MichaelByronSmith: The Power of Dadhood
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24 Thoughts on Fatherhood

6/8/2019

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  • ​​A few thoughts from “The Power of Dadhood – How to Become the Father Your Child Needs”.
  • Some things to consider and think about as an involved father - a real Dad!​
  • Remember, you are the first and only true superhero to your child. This book is your superhero manual!

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1.  No man is a failure who has helped a child, especially his own.

2.  Fathers enable joy to their children through their support and protection.

3.  Start fathering with your child’s first breath.

4.  Fathers are examples of masculinity to their sons. They watch you like a hawk!

5.  A father is the first man in his daughter’s life. She will believe what you tell her whether complimentary or degrading. Make yourself a standard for your daughter to judge the other men in her life.

6.  Fathers teach by their actions, and they should always be aware of that fact.

7.  A dad needs to be loving, available, caring, interested, and involved, as well as a nurturing teacher, disciplinarian, coach, cheerleader, and so much more.

8.  A better society starts with dads being involved. This act will reduce crime, poverty, mental illness, teen births, and so much more!

9.  Only a father can love his children as deeply as their mother does.

10. Only a father can make you embarrassed and proud at the same time.

11. Children learn differently and they learn different things from their dads. That is very important!

12. There is nothing wrong with a man who decides he doesn’t want to be a father. But take proper precautions not to become one.

13. In a society where few fathers engage with their children, the following issues explode:
  • Child abuse
  • Education issues
  • Poverty
  • Crime
  • Emotional and behavioral issues
  • Inappropriate sexual activity involving minors

14. Society cannot replace good parenting.

15. A good father teaches his child how to deal with peer pressure, both good and bad.


16.  A good father teaches his children how not to be a victims and supports good attitudes.

17. There are many obstacles to being a good father (time, fear, everyday life, personality, etc.). However, when an obstacle involves your child, you must overcome it.

18. The most important thing to do as a father? Be there! In mind and spirit.

19. Being a father does not mean giving up on your interests. It does not require 24/7 of your life.

20. Really listen to your children! Observe. Be aware. React when necessary but give them room to figure things out on their own.

21. Be as consistent and reliable as the sunrise. The first rule of trust and respect.

22. Fathers encourage. They encourage self-reliance, imagination, integrity, ethical behavior, education, etc.

23. Before you help your child with any task, ask yourself this question, “Will my help make them stronger or weaker?”

24. There are seven characteristics of a successful father. Accomplishing them will bestow upon you the most honored of all titles...“Dad”!
  1. Be Involved
  2. Be Principled
  3. Be Consistent
  4. Be Loving
  5. Be Fun
  6. Be Balanced (in all the above)
  7. Be Passionate (in your Dadhood)

Note: Are you the best dad you could be? Appendix B of my book will help you determine how you can be even better. Take the challenge - I expect you'll find you're an even better dad than you thought you might be!

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​Love or Money?

6/3/2019

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In my book on fatherhood, I discuss how easy it is to be a good father - even with the continuous challenges that come with the role. But challenges don't come between you and success as a parent, lack of caring will. If  you care, you will try, and that is everything! Some men lose their families simply because they don't care. They don't care enough to learn, they don't care enough to put forth the necessary effort, or they don't have the strength to fight through adversity. 

There are other men who have lost their families and fight very hard to get them back. It could have been a mistake on their part that caused this to happen. Or maybe the mother of his children who, for reasons that are varied, or unfair, or unknown, choose to keep him away. And the laws of the land help the mothers to do just that. Often unfairly. No matter the circumstance, when children lose the care of their father through divorce, it's not the lost love, caring, or mentoring that is demanded for the children, it's money! 

The following is an excerpt from, "The Power of Dadhood - How to Become the Father Your Child Needs". In this passage, I discuss love versus money. If we agree we have too many families led by the mother alone, then not only is getting financial help important, but so too is getting emotional support for the children from the father that still cares deeply for them.



Love or Money?

It is a social rarity in America to excuse an absent father from meeting his financial responsibilities. What is sadly accepted is excusing him from his fatherly responsibilities. As stated by Blankenhorn in Fatherless America: “In our cultural model of the Deadbeat Dad, the core issue is money absence, not father absence.” Discussion of the absence of a father always seems to center on the need for income—child support. While income is important, the lack of a male role model and the lack of a real, involved Dad—truly supporting the child—is the real problem. Those of us who are worried about a fatherless America (and I wish there were more of us) realize that the best way to get men to support their children is to help these men become better fathers. It is easier to become a deadbeat dad when:
  • you think of sex but not the consequences
  • you haven’t had the mentoring many young men need to be a nurturing father
  • you are confused and afraid
  • the mother doesn’t want you around
  • you have little or no money
  • you feel you have no control over the child or the money you send
  • you are looked down upon—described as a terrible partner or parent—when the facts of the matter may prove differently
While the hurdles can be daunting, you can overcome them if you want to. But before that happens, you have total control over becoming a father, or becoming a father again. If you have any doubts or questions about ever being a father or even having more children, read the next chapter, “To Be or Not to Be.” Otherwise, you can skip it and move on to understanding the negative social impacts that can arise with fatherless children, which you can help minimize by being a good Dad.

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How to be Stupid!

5/27/2019

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We all know stupid people, have seen stupid acts and done stupid things ourselves. However, some people have a knack for stupid. Maybe there is a reason, which I will get to later. Pointing out some of these stupidities to those we love or mentor may be helpful to their success. We all remember our parents saying, “If (Joe or Judy) jumped off a bridge, would you?” That was how they taught us NOT to be stupid.  But it lacked panache. Teaching the right things to do or say doesn’t have the visual impacts or humor of  ‘how to be stupid’. Let’s show them how to be stupid and hope our children ignore us as they are want to do.

The Trifecta of ‘How to Be Stupid’
  1. The first step in really being stupid is to quit school before graduation or before you have a real skill. It’s not just what you won’t learn, it’s what it says about you, and the interpretations of others have about you - that you’re a quitter or think you’re too smart for school. You may get a job that earns well, but the odds are highly against it.
  2. Speaking of jobs, not getting one is beyond stupid. If you are of sound body and mind, which is doubtful if you quit school, then you can still find a job. Sure, it may not come with a car and an expense account, but not only will you make some money, but you will also have pride and self-worth. Doing a job well with pride, no matter what it is, brings you respect. If you are the best burger-flipper in town, you will be more respected than a lousy insurance agent.
  3. If you really want to be stupid, give birth to or father a baby in your teens. So many aspects of this will go against you. First of all, if you are a girl, the father may disappear or be irresponsible. This possibility shouldn’t be a surprise. Secondly, the freedom you have been waiting for all your young life will be gone! Thirdly, you are highly apt to be poor, really poor, especially if you quit school and don’t have a job. The statistics are overwhelming.
 
So what are the best ways to avoid falling into poverty?

Given the ‘trifecta of stupidity’ scenario above, the Brookings Institution has spent a great deal of effort studying this issue. Brookings whittled down a lot of analysis into three simple rules. You can avoid poverty by:

1. Graduating from high school.

2. Waiting to get married until after 21 and do not have children till after being married.

3. Having a full-time job.

If you do all those three things, your chance of falling into poverty is just 2 percent. Meanwhile, you’ll have a 74 percent chance of being in the middle class. These rules apply to all races and ethnic groups. Breaking these rules is becoming more commonplace, unfortunately, for all racial groups. By contrast, young adults who violated all three norms - dropped out, got married before 21 and had children out of wedlock and didn’t have a full-time job - had a 76 percent chance of winding up in poverty and a 7 percent chance of winding up in the middle class.

Not Thinking of the Possibilities/Consequences

I admit to not being a big fan of tattoos, just a personal opinion. I think we all look better without them, au naturel. But I understand the appeal of some to be individualistic - we have that right. The name of someone you love or have loved forever can be endearing. A small butterfly, flower, initials or other adornment is often sweet and harmless. But getting a controversial tattoo without thinking ahead is a giant leap towards being stupid.
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Let’s say you want to be a real estate agent, a hand-sized tattoo of the devil on your neck may not be a good idea. If you are going to join the military, they frown on tattoos of swastikas or skulls on your forehead. I once saw a young girl with a tattoo about five inches tall of Mr. Peanut on her calf. She must have really liked peanuts! Another girl prominently displayed Tweety Bird. Tweety is cute, but what are you saying about yourself? Weddings, where the bride has a skeleton tattoo on her back shoulder above her wedding dress, do have their place in some weddings. The tattoo I saw of Patrick Swayze as half-man, half-horse, in a pink and purple motif, was a particular favorite of mind. Centaurs may have been all the rage when this lady chose her tattoo. Maybe it wasn’t stupid….then! Again, if you have an ugly, rated X, Taco Bell, scary, or cartoon tattoo, and don’t care how it may impact your future life or possible changing values, then go for it.

I live in Missouri, where they have helmet laws for motorcycles. Whenever I go into Illinois, where there is no helmet law, I rarely a helmet on anyone. Now I’m not big on the government telling us what we can do to ourselves, so I prefer not having a helmet law. But if stupid had a trophy, it would be biker’s noggin cracked open like an egg. Now I understand it is cool not to wear a helmet, both literally and figuratively. But it’s not cool to drool in a wheelchair in a nursing home, or die! Oh, and for you bikers out there who don’t like helmets while riding, I don’t actually live in Missouri. I live in Australia! 

Some things become more stupid as you age. If teenage boys are “burning rubber” on their cars, it’s kind of stupid, but it is also fun (if done safely in non-populated areas). It is what we do growing up. Now if you’re 40 or 50 and you’re burning rubber, that’s stupid. You just wasted 5000 miles of wear on those tires. Grow up!

Smoking is stupid if you’ve never smoked before! Smokers smoke because they are hooked and enjoy it. If you’ve never smoked, you are not hooked. It is expensive and dangerous to your health, so why set yourself up to be slaves to tobacco? I see more young teen girls smoke than teen boys. One of the few examples on the plus side for girls being more stupid than boys.

Now it’s safe to say that boys are stupider than girls in general. But when girls do stupid things, it can be even more dangerous. Girls drinking at parties is even stupider than boys drinking at parties, if possible. Dressing to be attractive is good. Dressing in a slutty or suggestive fashion is pretty stupid for a girl to do. And don’t twerk. Why? Because guys are so much stupider! They think you are flashing a green-light for their pleasure. And boys do very stupid things for pleasure! Girls are stupid if they don’t know this.

Other Ways to be Stupid
  • Not checking for toilet paper before you go into a stall
  • Thinking your kids won’t be stupid
  • Not keeping your word
  • Sending money for any reason to Nigeria
  • Resisting arrest, even if you are innocent
  • Not listening to those that know what they are talking about
  • Letting kids have free, unsupervised access to the Internet
  • Not saving a percentage of your income
  • Texting on a smartphone while driving
  • Not paying off a credit card each month
  • Buying things you don’t need with money you don’t have.
  • Doing X-game activities when you’re not X-game talented

Some things are more stupid than others!

I know I guy who, when he was a teenager, was drinking with a few friends. They got drunk and decided to have a bar-b-que. The trouble was they had no meat and likely spent their money on beer, etc. They decided to drive drunk to the country and find a cow they could butcher. Amazingly, without killing themselves or someone else on the way, they found a lonesome cow in a field. One of these yahoos climbed over the fence, knife in hand, to kill this poor animal. He stalked slowly and unsteadily towards this cow and just as he reached this innocent bovine, the hungry drunk thrust the knife into its hind quarter! With the reflexes of a Kung Fu artist, the cow kicked knife-wielding predator in a place where the pain was so severe, he threw up and became instantly sober! No bar-be-que that night.

No, this was not me! but I have done stupid things like everyone. I have driven while drinking, stood on a porch swing only to fall hard on concrete, and I once played “You Light Up My Life” on a Juke Box.

Can you fix stupid?

Some say you can’t fix stupid. But maybe you can. Stupid has a recipe. One part show-off, two parts needing attention, two parts lacking a mentor, one part of lacking realism, one part of gullibility, one part over-confidence, two parts arrogance, all exacerbated by a dash of liquor, a pint of anger, or a shot of revenge. The young man who stabbed the cow would not have done so without this recipe. He did not have a present father, who abandoned him, nor a present mother, whose absence was created by a need to work endless hours to feed her many children. His act of stupidity was preventable.

Let’s change the recipe with proper attention, mentoring, education, acceptance, and supervision. Let’s face it. Much of stupidity is preventable. It will never be wiped out, and each of us will have our share. But children and young adults taught a proper recipe for living a good life will minimize stupid acts, becoming more successful and perhaps saving their lives! That proper recipe involves some critical ingredients, like people who care enough to sacrifice for them. Usually and ideally, those people are an intelligent and caring mother and father working together.

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Summary
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Stupidity will always be with us! However, individual acts of stupidity are very preventable. They are preventable with good parents and good mentors teaching young people the proper recipe to improve their chances for success using reasoning, values, and foresight. Very few of us are adequately self-taught in these areas. The pressures of society, especially uncivil society, are too significant to overcome alone.


​#powerofdadhood

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Learning to be Grateful

5/20/2019

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I don’t think most of us realize just how fortunate we are. Certainly, this is true in the big picture. Realizing our fortunes would cause us to be more grateful, and I find that grateful people are happy people. However, to become more grateful takes a bit of reflection and less self-absorption. After all, we quickly adjust to our conveniences.

Is there anyone reading this that hasn’t slept in a warm bed, been awaken by the alarm on your smart-phone - which has almost any fact, type of entertainment, or directions to anywhere? You have refrigerated food that can be cooked or warmed in no time in your microwave. You may head off to work in your car or find public transportation available. Surprisingly, everything works. Highways, utilities, law enforcement, you name it, have occasional issues but overwhelmingly are dependable.
We live longer and healthier than at any time in history. My infant sister died of an esophageal issue in 1953, but my neighbor’s son thrives today, having had the same issue as a baby in 1980. Various diseases have vaccines. Infant and toddler deaths used to be common, now they are a tragic but comparative rarity, especially in the US. We have more free time and unlimited choices in food and entertainment. Crime has decreased dramatically - although we don’t realize it because we hear about everything bad that happens instantly. According to the document, named "The State of Food Insecurity in the World 2015" (SOFI), in developing regions, the proportion of undernourished people has almost halved since 1990, decreasing from 23.3% of the population to 12.9%.

All these good trends do not mean there is no sadness in the world. The pain of a loved one being hurt or dying will never cease. Misfortune still happens, and life is not fair. But that is not the point here. Outside of individual circumstances, our collective lives are blessed with advantages never known for thousands of years and up to less than 200 years ago, and in some examples, less than 20 years ago.

So What is the Point?

As I mentioned earlier, we adjust to our conveniences and become ungrateful. Caves were once valued and battled over as the height of shelter. Wouldn’t the cavemen have loved a canvas tent or a log home? Few of us would want to live in a tent these days. These seem to be extreme examples only because of our current standards. But there’s something to be gained by recalling the past and our current fortunes because doing so will ease some of the sorrows or injustices we may feel today putting them in a new perspective. As an example, a young girl living in rural China in 1900 would not spend one moment of sadness for anyone not making the Cheerleading Squad at school. Understanding our times are different, it’s okay to be down for a day if that was you, but move on quickly! Your son may have diabetes, but it can be controlled, giving him a full life, whereas he could have died young in the past.

My family was poor to the point of homelessness at times, but I never recall being hungry, and my education was free, allowing me to move out of that situation. One of my sisters had a baby at seventeen years old and was divorced soon after. She struggled for a while but earned a college degree in her forties because she lived in a society that had a path out if taken, unlike being trapped in a specific class like most societies in the old world and even some countries today.

Summary

Yes, every generation has the story they tell their children of how they walked three miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways. We all had it worse than the generation that followed us. And just like we did, our children laugh at our self-pity. But there is value in children learning and knowing History. That value is gratefulness! Let them read “A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich” by Solzhenitsyn. The story is from not so long ago, and it puts some perspective on how some people have been forced to live their lives. Many other novels or history books will tell these true stories. They will be much more useful and effective than our sad stories of how tough life was before smart-phones and Netflix!

Teach your children to:

Welcome challenges, for they make you grow! Know history, for it gives you perspective. Be grateful, for it removes boorishness!

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​What Makes a Good Mom?

5/11/2019

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PictureMy Mom and me.
I’m a huge fan of moms everywhere! Moms come in all shapes, sizes, temperaments, social and religious backgrounds. They are young and old; some have careers and many stay-at-home. Moms are tough and softies; they have smiles that comfort you and glares that frighten you. When any of their children are threatened moms become super-heroes with powers rarely seen. Their loyalty is unquestioned, and their ability to multitask is simply incredible! Moms are simply God’s gift to humanity.

As a dad and someone who encourages men to be caring parents, emphasizing fathers importance to the welfare of their children and families, there is no doubt moms are the champions of child welfare. We Dads have our role, a crucial role, but few of us would want to be a single parent and provide what mothers provide to our children.

But what makes is a good mom? Only the children she raised can answer that question because the challenges of mothering vary in every instance. One mom can be considered a good parent because she bakes brownies, belongs to the PTO, has dinner on the table every night, and reads to her children. But is she a bad mom if she doesn’t do one or all of these things? I think not. Good moms sacrifice and sacrifices differ. The model mom I described above is doing good things, things that, in my opinion, I wish every mom could do. But these acts are not necessarily the end-all of ‘good’ mothering and may not even be much of a sacrifice given her ability to do it.

Some mothers have to work, manage without a decent or present parenting partner, or both! They may not have the time available to have dinner on the table every night or to read bedtime stories. Some children are more difficult to raise because of illnesses or disabilities, physical or mental. Moms themselves have different strengths and weaknesses. Any seeming lack of parenting skill or talent is apt to be misunderstood without insight into the challenges that exist. What may be easy for one mom may be very difficult for another mom for any number of reasons.

The message here is never to judge a mother by your standards unless those standards are sacrifice and love. I doubt you will find many mothers who lack those two characteristics. But even love and sacrifice are not easily compared. I know my mother was not the kind of mom that fit the popular mold of motherhood. But she certainly loved and sacrificed for her children, maybe more than most! She raised six children without any help or money from my father. She worked many hours in menial jobs to feed us. We had fried chicken dinners on occasion, but often it had to be potted meat sandwiches, a can of soup, or corn flakes.


My wife, Kathy, is without question a good mom, but more traditionally. She more closely fits the image most have of a caring mother being very hands-on, loving, and giving one-on-one time tailored to each child’s idiosyncrasies! My mother was different. She did not have the luxury of tending to each of her children’s different strengths or weaknesses. Survival comes before the nuances of personality. To some outside our home, my mother was not a good mom. It was so evident if one looked at our clothes, our wild behavior, and her frequent absence. She could not meet us at the door when we came home from school. Trips to the zoo, park, or movie were never possible. But she worked hard to feed and raise us without looking for society to do her job.

Those people who would judge my Mom didn’t know the sacrifices she had to make. She had dreams that went unrealized. My mom loved to dance, but never danced. She wanted to look nice but had to wait to get her teeth fixed because rent money took most of what she had. Her children often got into trouble and didn’t do their homework, but she scolded us the best way she knew without the time to read parenting books or pay for counseling. However, to every one of my siblings and me, our mother is revered and loved as much as any mother in the world. We have had struggles and successes like every other brood and better than some who had stay-at-home or any other traditional mom. She didn’t meet the ideal aspects many think of when you think of a good mom. But my mom was a good mom. I love her so much! Happy Mother’s Day!

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What is Easy but Difficult and Does So Much Good?

5/6/2019

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I admit that I need to practice what I am about to write as much as anyone and more than others. But I think everyone has had difficulties in this area at one time or another. It is this. One of the most challenging things for any of us to do is to say, "I'm sorry", and to say it honestly. The reasons this is difficult are many! 
  • Maybe you don't think you were, or are, wrong
  • Perhaps you are angry enough not to care
  • It could be you are embarrassed
  • You don't want to open old wounds or possible ignite a renewed argument
  • It's possible you just don't know how to say the words

Yes, the excuses are numerous. What we don't do is consider the positive aspects of saying, "I'm sorry", and there are many.
  • Often, a weight is lifted allowing you to move on
  • Your admission is a real sign of maturity
  • It takes away someone's anger towards you
  • It will enable openings for those you say sorry to you, returning the courtesy by your example
  • Even if you don't think you were wrong, saying sorry says you don't think a particular issue is worth having hard feelings.

​Perhaps one of the reasons adults have a problem with saying they are sorry is because they never learned how or why to do so as children. Sure, when a child does something inappropriate to another, parents will tell them to "say you’re sorry", and they will most of the time. Young children just want to get out of trouble; they aren’t concerned about a weight being lifted and are not apt to act maturely. As adults, we need to forget our childish ways and weigh the situation, apologizing if appropriate. But that doesn’t mean we should always apologize, because there are good reasons not to do so. For instance,
  • An apology is not in order when no wrong has taken place, even if someone else thinks so
  • A weak apology is like no apology
  • An insincere apology for deception is unethical and harmful

In a sappy movie from my youth, there was a line, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I never knew what that was supposed to mean. To me, love means saying you’re sorry, especially when you love someone you may have hurt. Having said all this, I know I may pass up opportunities to say I’m sorry when I should. I’ve been there, and so have you. It is difficult sometimes. Maybe, however, having thought about it and writing it down, there is a better chance I will do the right thing in the future. I hope so! I know one thing, I’m not sorry for writing this.




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An Open Letter to Every Child Who Worries Too Much

4/29/2019

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Worry: To torment oneself

Last week, at a St. Louis Cardinal Baseball game, I was walking in the corridors between innings with my ten-year-old granddaughter. She noticed there was a medical cart with a stretcher on it and asked me why it was there. I told her that sometimes people fall or experience heat exhaustion, etc. and need medical attention. With 47,000 people in the ballpark, it would be likely that someone may need medical help. Immediately she asked if I thought anyone would get heat exhaustion today (it was 76 degrees), and where would they take them? “How often do people fall”? “What happens when people get heat exhaustion”? She continued showing concern for people she didn’t know about things that hadn’t happened. We were there to have a great time, but her focus was elsewhere.

Her anxiety was not an isolated incident. My granddaughter worries continuously about things she hears on the news, things she sees on TV, the fate of people and animals, and things that might happen – even if unlikely. Although her parents are frequently reassuring her, it doesn’t seem to help. Because I don’t want her to go through her young life like this, I decided to write her a letter, but I have not decided to give it to her, yet. I leave that decision to her parents.

Knowing she is not the only person, young or old, who wastes precious time worrying, I thought I would share this letter in my blog, Helping Fathers to Be Dads. I tailored this letter to my granddaughter, but much of what I say is appropriate for anyone who has a loved one that tends to mistake ‘worry’ as something kind, as some type of salve that will make things better. It is sad to see someone else who is unhappy or in some distress. But to see someone who is sad when they have many other reasons to be thankful or when nothing wrong has happened to them, it is a waste of their precious time on this earth. This letter is my attempt at an argument that might help those worriers to enjoy their lives better.

                                                                 * * *
Dear Granddaughter,

When you came into the world, it was then I knew that being a grandfather was what I always wanted to be. When you were a baby and toddler, I had the privilege of spending time with you, one-on-one, being completely taken by your joyous and adorable personality. As you grew, you remained as sweet as the day you were born, and it was apparent you had gifts of intelligence, creativity, and empathy for others. I wouldn’t change a thing about you, but there is one thing I’d like to bring up to hopefully help you live a more cheerful life.

Too many times I’ve seen the sadness in your eyes as you have seen the struggles of others and felt their pain. Your concern for them is one of your finest traits, and I love you so much for it. But don’t replace empathy for others with wasteful worry. Your heart is big, big enough to share it with others. Even the potential of sad events is worrisome to you as you suffer in small amounts, stealing from your deserved happiness and right to a childhood that should be as innocent and lighthearted as possible.

I hope you understand that adulthood will bring you new and immediate concerns. But they will be concerns that more directly affect you and, fortunately, you will be better prepared and capable of handling them. You will move from worrying about things you cannot change or fix to issues that you can attack to the best of your given abilities. Being able to address a concern is comforting and something you will do. What will not change is life as it has been for thousands of years - full of good things and bad, joy and sorrow, miracles and tragedies, and ups and downs. The cycle of life and the survival of the fittest are the very essences of nature. We are sad for the antelope that is captured by the lion and forget the lion has to survive lest we will feel sadness for its starvation.

What I am trying to say is captured in one of the most famous prayers ever spoken – The Serenity Prayer! Read it and live it. There is only negativity and anxiety in placing worry in things you cannot correct on your own. While this insight is true, it is undeniable that turning away untouched by unfortunate events is difficult. However, unless you have a role in a heartbreaking development, you have no reason to feel guilt or responsibility for it. All you can do is say a prayer for those involved and then accept what you cannot change, pushing the sorrow out of your consciousness. When you do, you will be free to concentrate and improve upon those things near and dear to you, making them better. That’s your way to make the world a better place, by looking past where you have no power and towards where you can do so much good.

You are who you are, and I would never want to change you. I want the best for you because you have so much to give. You can do so much more if not burdened by those unchangeable things that hurt your sweet, loving heart. You can worry all you want and feel bad for others, but it won’t solve one thing. Worry is exhausting - a thief of energy and serenity – and as worthless as that worrisome thought last week, whatever that was?

Worrying about something that may happen in no way eases the pain even if it does happen - and usually, your worries will never come about. Turn on your ‘worry radar’ and shoot down that worry before it gets ahold of you. Do it by thinking what good you can do for yourself, or others you love, in its place. If you try a little each day and remind yourself that you can make the world a better place without worry, you will become a powerhouse among all those you touch and so very pleasant to be around.
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Love,
Papa



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​The Fortunes of Misfortune

4/19/2019

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"""…if a seemingly unfortunate aspect of a life has proven to be beneficial overall, then it would appear not to have been a genuine misfortune.” ~ Saul Smilansky
​

The above quote by Smilansky is probably true. All of us have benefitted from events that seemed, at first, to be unlucky or regrettable. True misfortune is not learning from any unfortunate aspect of your life or giving up when things appear bleak. The strength of misfortune is undeniable. It often works in one of two ways - by making the strong, stronger - or the weak, weaker. Of course, some misfortunes wake up the weak and, negatively, eventually defeat those that were once strong.

One may be surprised by how many failures burdened those who ultimately found success. If interested, here are stories of 48 people who suffered numerous failures before their success. These are the people who become stronger with misfortune, learning from failure. You will never know those who gave up unless you know them personally. They are buried among the multitudes.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin wrote on his Facebook page,

“As a young man I applied to be a Rhodes Scholar twice and was turned down both times. Just think how different my life would have been if I'd been accepted. ‬I'm sure I never would have become an astronaut much less walked on the moon. Sometimes your greatest disappointments or failures lead to your greatest success. So just remember, failure is always an option.”

How do we regard misfortune?

I turned the misfortune of growing up poor into the advantage of getting a 'need-based' academic scholarship to an expensive private university. I could never have afforded the top-notch education I received otherwise. Of course, misfortune is relative. When I say I had the misfortune of growing up poor in a broken home, that’s a relative misfortune. After all, I was born in the United States, not in the mountains of Afghanistan. Then again, those barren mountains in Afghanistan may bring happiness to those who know nothing else. Unlike many areas in the world, I had enough to eat. Never did I live in terror by fear of people who could dominate my life. I had schools to teach me, and I had a roof over my head most of the time. No, I could never claim to be a victim. When I think of victims, I think of the Holocaust or the killing of infant girls in China. No, my misfortune occurred in very fortunate circumstances!

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian psychology professor, wrote in his book The Evolving Self that most notably successful people (~70%) come from two types of atmospheres. One atmosphere is ‘struggle’ where individuals have a strong desire to escape their circumstance. The other atmosphere from which successful people emerge is from strong and often privileged families where much is expected of each other. Those in comfortable situations where expectations are light do not usually stand out. Their misfortune could be said to be their fortune. It’s clear we must have a purpose or motivation to move forward. It is also clear that those in relative comfort look at their misfortunes through a magnifying glass.

As stated in one of Garth Brooks’ most popular songs, “Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers”. But we are rarely aware of those gifts. Sadness or tragedies we have unknowingly avoided are not appreciated. Everyone has had seemingly unfortunate incidents that have ultimately saved them from something worse, never to be celebrated, never to be cherished.

Summary

Misfortune can be deceitful! It is only human to be disappointed with seeming failure or a lousy break. Allow yourself a brief pity party but bounce back with attitude! That attitude should be to look at any misfortune as guidance from God, nature, karma, or whatever, to what is best for you. With that attitude, even if you don’t believe in God, nature, or karma, you will have an advantage to those who wallow in their temporary misfortune. Do your best! Go with the flow! Make lemonade from lemons. Accept what you must and move on, but don’t except quitting, not unless you are honestly no longer interested in a goal.

Now if you live your life with this attitude, your family will notice and learn. That's "The Power of Dadhood"





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A Thesaurus for Victims

4/8/2019

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Picture
Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a ‘Thesaurus for Victims’? Just think about how better their life and language would be if they could replace their words of entitlement and victimhood with words of responsibility and encouragement! The list below may not be a real thesaurus, but something like it could be a start.

  1. Don’t be a victim. Do be a victor
  2. Don’t have a feeling of entitlement. Do earn what you want.
  3. You don’t have adversity. You do have challenges.
  4. You don’t need a safe space. You do need to communicate.
  5. You don’t want to whine. You do want to win.
  6. Don’t give excuses. Do give effort!
  7. Don’t think life should be fair. Do know real life is not fair.
  8. Don’t look for fault. Do look for solutions.
  9. Don’t blame. Do find answers.
  10. Don’t suffer in inaction. Do fight with action.

​How one acts, thinks, and speaks, defines them. It doesn’t take long for most of us to size up someone if we are tuned in. If you’re an interviewer, you’re listening for hints about the interviewee whether the interview is for a job, a loan, or acceptance into a group. Keywords and certain attitudes will make the interview a success or failure. If you’re a parent, you may want to think like an interviewer when talking to your children on occasion. If you detect a victim attitude, it’s time for corrective action.

Who would you want as your son, or friend, or brother? Vic or Tim?

Vic was a victim because of all the adversity he had to face. He had real excuses for the failures that led to his suffering. He was never fairly treated and often blamed for the mistakes of others. His excuse is never being given the opportunities to which he is entitled. Vic needed to be understood, and he could only get that if he had a safe space with people who sympathized with him.

On the other hand, here’s Tim;

Tim is challenged by the goals he sets for himself. He meets head-on, the obstacles he faces. He accepts his struggles and takes responsibility, not only for his mistakes but for problems that may have been caused by the mistakes of others. He reasoned that his lack of success could only be corrected by first owning his decisions and miscalculations, correcting them, then moving forward. Tim knew he didn’t know all the answers and needed to communicate with knowledgeable mentors. He tried to consider the ideas of others.

Give me a Tim any day! You can have Vic…especially if you’re looking for excuses.

Summary

A real victim personality would never look for a ‘Thesaurus for Victims’. No! Anyone who feels entitled wants everyone to know they are entitled. Anyone who thinks they are mistreated wants the world to know it. There is no market for a ‘Thesaurus for Victims’. Vics don’t want it, and Tims don’t need it. Therefore, if you are a parent or mentor of a young person who tends to make excuses, it’s up to you to correct their behavior before it’s too late. We never judge people poorly when their failures are of effort and when they admit their mistakes. We judge them poorly (the Vics of the world) on their lack of effort and lack of ownership. Don’t be a victim! Even if you really can claim to be! It’s powerful!

#powerofdadhood

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Try Like Hell, But Don’t Give a Damn!

4/1/2019

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PictureMe in my Undergraduate Pilot Training Days.
I did it all wrong! I almost blew the dream I had since I was a little boy. Fighting my way through the multiple schools I attended, dealing with introversion and extreme shyness, I had received a college degree, joined the military, and had been accepted into USAF Undergraduate Pilot Training (UPT). Since I was old enough to imagine, I wanted to fly. No, not like Superman, but like Charles Lindbergh or Chuck Yeager. That dream was the driving force that fought against my doubts of having the chance or ability to be a pilot. But now I had the opportunity I had been fighting for! I was at Laughlin, AFB in Texas with my shiny gold Second Lieutenant bars ready to be trained as an Air Force pilot. I would actually be flying jets!

Perhaps you can understand my enthusiasm and single-minded aspiration if you ever wanted something so desperately. I was on the cusp of a dream I always imagined, but one I never could convince myself would really happen. Now that I was here, it meant everything to me. I gave a damn! I gave a BIG damn, and that would become a problem. The ‘giving too much of a damn’ was complicated with the ever-recurrent doubts about myself. It was my first time away from home, and I was competing with mostly Air Force Academy graduates, young men who had been away from home and in the military atmosphere daily for four years. My lack of confidence was palpable and it fought against my desire.

Now, giving a damn about something would seem to be a characteristic that would be helpful, if not critical. I certainly believe this. However, to allow your passion to become a fear of failure is to cloud what you need to do to achieve it. Giving a damn can covertly defeat your goal by becoming a distraction. I allowed worry to occupy my mind instead of constant, intense, preparation -- not that I didn’t think I was preparing. On reflection, however, I did not ‘try like hell’ to study smartly, using every advantage available and forgetting my competition. I didn’t know what I was doing to myself! How crazy was this?

You cannot concentrate and worry at the same time. You can’t be a good shortstop if you are worrying about making an error. Philosophy of life and living was not a strength of mine back then. Because this is a blog about the importance of fatherhood, I mention that not having my father around contributed to the doubts I had about myself. He could have counseled or mentored me, and maybe I would have approached flight training with a different attitude. If I had been my father, I would have told myself to take care of business then accept the results. That advice is precisely what “try like hell, but don’t give a damn” means.

Of course, you should always give a damn about what you think is important. You do that best by setting a goal and doing what is necessary to achieve it. Once you have dedicated yourself to your best effort, forget about what the results may bring. The result of your best efforts will be what you deserve given your talents and competition. Most every time, this attitude will find success. If it does not, then you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! Acceptance of results after doing your very best is not difficult. It may be disappointing but not in the least devastating. Devastation is when you realize you missed out on something very important to you because you didn’t approach it fully armed with all you have. Something that almost happened to me!

I was lucky! After being at the bottom of my class in the first half of UPT (T-37 aircraft), I was in the top third of my class in the second half of UPT (T-38 aircraft). Time and experience helped me, but I still had much to learn about my approach to challenges. Eventually, with more angst than necessary, I got my silver wings, and it remains the very best job I ever had. I actually was paid to do what I would have paid them to do if I had the money.

I know I would have been a better student and pilot had I known what I should have known. And that is this - You can only control what you have control over. When you allow your mind to be cluttered with things you don’t have in your control, then you’ll be placing yourself at a disadvantage. Everyone has influence over the results in their life, but they don’t have control of the results themselves when competition and/or standards exist. Therefore, don’t give a damn about the results, don’t focus on them, just try like hell to influence those results to the best of your ability.

A Dad’s Role

As a father, you can be such a positive influence and indisputable force for your family! If you feed, clothe, and shelter your children, that is only the minimum requirements of fatherhood. Unfortunately, even these minimums are too often not met. But a Dad - an involved and nurturing father - can be the rock that his children need. He can explain concepts like “Try like hell, but don’t give a damn!” to help his children in their approach to the challenges they will certainly and necessarily meet throughout their lives. The Power of Dadhood is not only strong, but it has such powerful leverage! Just the simplest acts of love and nurturing will result in many multiples of wonder and success for the children of real Dads! A smile, a wink, a pat on the back, a suggestion, a correction, even a reprimand are all tools, and the magic wands, of Dadhood!

​#family #powerofdadhood

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