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​Social Influencers and Parenting

10/26/2020

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There is this thing I've heard about recently (yeah, I'm old) where certain people influence others to lean one way or another on specific topics. Logically, they are called 'Social Influencers.' Paris Hilton was a social influencer, as are the Kardashians. But have you heard of Logan Paul or Jenna Marbles?

As a parent, I suggest you ask your preteen and teen children to name their favorite 'Social Influencers.' They have them, whether they know it or not. These appointed or self-appointed 'know-it-alls' are found on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Snapchat, etc. Not all of them are negative, many are positive, but they are all biased in good and bad ways. Influencers are like commercials for opinions and thought.

You may know some, if not all, of your children's 'non-media' influencers. Some are good, like most teachers and well-adjusted friends. Others are bad, from troubled kids to sketchy relatives to bad parents. But you may be clueless about these semi-celebrity influencers. They don't have to be famous to you to be influencers - and many are not. I'm not even sure how they come to be influential except that they stand out in some way.

Don't take chances with your kids' futures. Know who is telling them what to think and do! After all, parents should be the most influential people in their children's lives, assuming they do it correctly. Areas of parental influence include being responsible, showing respect, and preparing for their futures. But parents must give time and effort to understanding their roles in bringing up children to be responsible adults.

To be that positive and nurturing parent, take care to balance your parenting skills. I list the following to help you reconsider your parenting methodologies. Are you guilty of any of these?


  • Too much making rules and not enough enforcing rules. 
  • Too much protection and not enough exposure.
  • Too much explaining and not enough letting them figure it out.
  • Too much mom and not enough dad.
  • Too much punishment and not enough discipline. 
  • Too much reaction and not enough patience.
  • Too much helping and doing for them and not enough instruction.
  • Too much routine and not enough special times.
  • Too much getting and not enough giving.
  • Too much 'unearned' praise and not enough challenges.
  • Too much idle time and not enough constructive time. (Some families)
  • Too much activity and not enough family time.  (Other families)
  • Too much giving what kids want and not enough giving what they need.
  • Too much saying and not enough doing.
  • Too much media and not enough discussion.
  • Too much trust and not enough verifying.
  • Too much fixing and not enough prevention.
  • Too much enabling and not enough character building.
  • Too much day-to-day and not enough one-on-one.

​And lastly, do you have too little understanding of your children and what appeals to them? Know their influencers and what your children hear from them.  This point gets too little attention and can cause significant harm to your children and harm your relationship with them.


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A Simple Act of Citizenship

10/19/2020

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”It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.” — Winston Churchill, on the floor of Parliament in November 1947.

The right to vote is like water, it’s not appreciated when easily accessible. The lack of water can be very serious. Not voting can also have serious implications. Even if you think your vote won’t make a difference, it is a very important duty for every eligible citizen, and a representation that you care.

Not voting is disrespectful to every founding father, to every civil rights leader, to every soldier who has shivered in a cold, muddy foxhole or received a disability. It's disrespectful to every sailor who has drown in battle, or to every airman who has gone down in flames. Our Founding Fathers and those that have served in the military are very few. The rest live in the comfort and protection of this country. We only ask that these citizens keep up with policies and events, then vote. Yet 80-100 million eligible voters will not vote in the general election.

This year is tough for almost all of us voters! The two choices for President have serious flaws, but there is no doubt that one of them will be President for the next four years. Vote if you wish on a third party candidate, but it will be a wasted vote. It will not even be worthy as a protest. In effect, you will be helping to elect the candidate you dislike the most. It's a tough decision, but if you think choosing who to vote for, or whether to vote at all is tough, then I’m happy for you that you never had to sleep in a foxhole.

The future path America will take is tremendously impacted by this election. Who you like or dislike personally is irrelevant in comparison to the platforms each will push,  and the Supreme Court that will be chosen and in power for many years to come. The very character of our country will reflected by future Supreme Court decisions and the policies of those in power, power that voters entrust to them. Your vote must reflect the platform that most closely matches the policies you hope to see. To want a perfect match is understandable, but impossible.

However, if you don’t know the name of the first president, if you don’t know who the US fought in WWII, if you think Native American Indians won the Civil War, then maybe we don’t need your vote any more than we need a blind man flying Flt 745 to Newark. We assume reaching a certain age qualifies us for the right to vote, but there are  twelve-year-olds more qualified and knowledgeable than many adults. My personal belief is knowledge of the candidates and/or issues is more important than voting age.

There are those that say the system is rigged, that powerful people really run things in the background. If true, not voting will ensure that continues. I have a friend who has lived in Singapore, the Middle East, and Korea. He states those experiences have made him appreciate the freedoms and rights in the US even more. We have a flawed system with flawed candidates, but in what other country will you find less flaws than a government framed around our constitution? 
​
Yes, voting is a lot like water. The world is full of citizens thirsting for the right to vote, the right to have a say in their governments no matter how insignificant. Vote! Ignore the weather, ignore your aches and pains, and ignore the friends that tell you that your vote won’t matter. Drag the kids, leave early for work. Ask for a ride, stand in hopefully long lines, whatever it takes. VOTE!  Do it as a thank you to the heroes and patriots of the past, and as a a duty to your kids, setting them up for the future you think will be best for them and the country they will someday run.


See Appendices A & B of The Power of Dadhood. There you will find further help to ensure the best futures for your children.
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Notes and Quotes for Dads

10/12/2020

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My father was not a good father. I learned much about fathering by watching him and, when I became a dad myself, I tried to do every fatherly act he didn't do.

​I still loved him and longed for his attention as a boy. Knowing the magnitude and impact of the loss of fatherly advice, guidance, and simple attention, I wrote notes and observations on fatherhood for my extended family. These observations became a book, "The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs."


I want to pull some lines from my book, giving you an idea of my passion for the importance of involved fathering. I'd then like to share some quotes on fathering from other authors, famous people, and great minds as further encouragement, hoping they will give depth and meaning you the most important role a man can have.


​
                                                                               *   *   *
From: "The Power of Dadhood"

On a father's mission and attention:


"No man is a failure who has helped a child, especially his own. The greatest single gift a man can give his children is his attention. It seems so simple, but somehow it is lost in its simplicity. There is no excuse for not trying your best to be a good father. There are reasons, obstacles, and hardships, but no excuses."

On Helping Fathers to be Dads:

"While some men thrive naturally as fathers, there are too many who don't, and the results can be disastrous. We must not judge these men because we don't know what they've been through, how they were raised, or how they see things as a unique personality. But they could use a mentor, especially if their father was not there for them."

Learning from other dads:

"I learned so much from my father. I learned from him that I needed to get an education. I learned that people would judge me by my actions and react to me according to my attitude. I learned the importance of reliability and trust. These things I learned from him because he demonstrated how difficult life can be without them."

Impact on Society:

"Almost all of society's ills can be traced to people whose family lives were in turmoil. Often the turmoil started with an absent or uncaring father."

The Truth:

"You are the only true father your children will ever have, but you are not alone. Your children are waiting for you. Their mother is longing for your help. Society is cheering for your success. Fathers who are true Dads are always ready to talk to you."
 
Fatherhood quotes from authors, leaders, and great minds:
 
"But there's no substitute for a full-time dad. Dads who are fully engaged with their kids overwhelmingly tend to produce children who believe in themselves and live full lives." Tony Dungy
 
"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." Sigmund Freud
 
"As an educator, I've seen the positive influence that fathers have on their children." Nicoline Ambe, Being Dad
 
"My dad encouraged us to fail. Growing up, he would ask us what we failed at that week. If we didn't have something, he would be disappointed. It changed my mindset at an early age that failure is not the outcome, failure is not trying. Don't be afraid to fail." Sara Blakely
 
"When I was a kid, I used to imagine animals running under my bed. I told my dad, and he solved the problem quickly. He cut the legs off the bed." Lou Brock
 
"Being a father is about adaptation and about making the most of the opportunities that are given to you." Colin Adams, Parenting for New Dads
 
"A daughter needs a dad to be the standard against which she will judge all men." Gregory E. Lang
 
"Being a father is the most rewarding thing a man whose career has plateaued can do." Aristotle
 
"Being a father has been, without a doubt, my greatest source of achievement, pride and inspiration. Fatherhood has taught me about unconditional love, reinforced the importance of giving back and taught me how to be a better person." Naveen Jain
 
"Listen, there is no way any true man is going to let children live around him in his home and not discipline and teach, fight and mold them until they know all he knows. His goal is to make them better than he is. Being their friend is a distant second to this." Victor Devlin
 
"It is a wise father that know his own child." William Shakespeare
 
 "The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent." Frank Pittman
 
"Being a father means you have to think fast on your feet. You must be judicious, wise, brave, tender, and willing to put on a frilly hat and sit down to a pretend tea party." Matthew Buckley, Fatherhood: The Manliest Profession
 
"...that the most precious things a father can provide are time, attention, and love." Tim Russert, Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons
 
"Fatherly love is the act of giving your life for the sake of someone else's needs." Nate Dallas, Hacking Fatherhood: Preparing For Success in the Biggest Role of Your Life
 
"No amount of money can be paid for the relationship between a father and his sons and a father and his daughters." Willie Williams, 7 Steps to Parenting Power
 
"My father taught me that the only way you can make good at anything is to practice, and then practice some more." Pete Rose
 
"Studies show that when a baby, child, or teenager has a good father, that child will soar." Meg Meeker, MD
 
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." Mark Twain
 
"One of the greatest needs of this age is for responsible and committed fathers." Bishop Charles Edward Blake Sr.
 
Summary

Thank you for your interest in fatherhood, or 'Dadhood' as I like to call fatherhood with involvement, mentoring, nurturing, and demonstrating love.
​
Dadhood = fatherhood + nurturing + demonstrated love
​

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THE ABCs of Being a Dad

10/5/2020

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Artwork by Malia McLellan, age 5
Between innings, periods, or quarters, check on your kids. ​Better yet, have them watch with you and teach them the game!

When working in the garage, ask them to help, even when they are in the way.

Reward effort at every opportunity.

Be involved, Be Fun, Be Consistent, Be Loving,
Be Patient, Be Balanced, Be Passionate. Be a Dad, not just a father.


Dads are often the wildcard in parenting. We have some definite roles that fall to us, but the roles may vary in each family. No matter your role, there are important characteristics that are always good to keep in mind. What is the difference between a good dad and a great dad? It could be subtle, but it could make a big difference!

Here are the ABC's of some of the good and the even better characteristics of an effective dad.

                                               > means 'greater than'

A) Attention > Answers:

We may say a dad should have all the 'Answers'. Well having all the answers for our children would be nice, but we know that is not going to happen. Sometimes you will be able to solve a problem or resolve an issue, but other times the situation will not be that simple. You may not have all the information or skills you need to help. There may not be an answer at all.

What you can always do when your children have a problem is give them your 'Attention'. Let them know that you are concerned for their dilemma. Sympathize with them if it is warranted. Help them put the issue in a perspective they can handle. Show them you care. Help them solve their problem but don't solve it for them. Don't make up answers that may not work, or brush them off just to move on. This is applicable no matter the age your kids may be.

B): Being There > Being Around:

It makes all the difference in the world for children when they can have their dad around. There is a comfort for them that is intangible but undoubtedly there! Children feel your presence when you are near and their confidence and attitudes are unconsciously raised. You don't even have to be directly interacting because an invisible connection already exist. Being around is vitally important.

As important as being around is, it is just a prerequisite to 'Being There'! Being there is being around but with attention, caring and nurturing. A dad being around is passive. A dad being there is active and involved. While your mere presence is an undeniably strong advantage compared to a missing dad, it is when you show your concern that a child blossoms with self-confidence and strength. A caring dad with a caring mom lets them know they are important and of value, something we all desperately need!

C) Consistency > Comedy:

A dad should be fun to be around. When dad is funny, everything in the world is right. Laughing is therapeutic. Problems are placed behind you. The world is a better place with laughter. When dad is balancing a broom on his nose, there is no tension in the home. When dad is smiling, the home is smiling. A sense of humor is invaluable as a father.

While comedy has an important place in the home, it is not always appropriate. What is lighthearted to you, Dad, may be the end of the world for your child, so be careful when you use your sense of humor. What is always appropriate in the home is 'Consistency'! Why is being consistent so important? It means you have rules and values that are a standard for all in the home. It means your children know what to expect from you and their mom, who of course, has to be on the same page. If there is no consistency in the home, then you have chaos and confusion. Without consistency on your part, there will be no acceptance of your words from your kids.

Here are a few more dad descriptions. Many on the right are good, but those on the left are better! 

Dedicated>Dapper
Easy going>Easy
Fair>Funny
Great>Good
Happy>Handsome
Involved>Interested

Just>Just around
Kind>Kinglike
Love>Like
Merciful>Mad
Nice>Neutral
Observant>Omniscient
Polite>Powerful
Respectable>Raucous
Selfless>Superior
Tenacious>Tough
Understanding>Unmoved
Wise>Wishful
eXact>eXcessive
Yielding>Yucky
Zestful>Zany



In summary:

A good dad will look for answers. He will be around when needed if at all possible. And he will lift his home with occasional comedy and light-heartedness.

A great dad will do these things also. But a great dad will also be attentive. He will be there,  in action, for his children when they need him, for troubles and for celebrations. And he will be consistent. His word will be trusted and he will always be counted on to be there as the attentive father they need so badly.

And so it goes through the alphabet - and through life! These are the ABCs of being a dad.  Be the best dad you can be!

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