At 73 years old, you like to think you have gained some wisdom. Well, I don't always feel wise, but I do try to help others, mostly young fathers. It's top of my mind to share what I have learned because being mentored came late to me. This experience is the topic of a memoir that is currently at my publisher.

The title is "A Vagabond Life - A Memoir of Father Hunger". I hope for it to be available before the end of the year.

Sometimes it's good to be reminded of things we may already know, or really never thought through. Here are some thoughts:

• The bravest person is not the most fearless. It’s the person that may be terrified but does what they have to do. 
• A beautiful person is not the most pleasing to the eye. It’s the person that is pleasing to all the senses. 
• A successful person is not measured by accomplishments alone, but by the failures that were overcome while serving others with kindness and grace. 
• A good parent is not one that gives without expectations and overly protects. It is the parent that guides, tests, and corrects while placing learning stresses on their children while preparing them for the world. 
• Honesty alone does not ensure respect. An honest person who can be believed without deception yet with thoughtful forbearance will be the most respected. 
• Those things that can be perfected will take away from other things that could be done better. Choose wisely. 
• Have integrity and you will have friends, influence, purpose, and meaning.

 
Michael Byron Smith 
Author of “The Power of Dadhood” 

(A Tool for Dadhood)

When I see a father holding his child's hand, or pushing a stroller, I get a mini-shot of endorphins in my brain. I admit being sensitized to the relationships of men to their families. It's in my DNA, background, and life mission since retirement. Holding your child's hand is simple yet effective, and most fathers do this automatically. But not every facet of fatherhood happens automatically. To be the best father you can be depends on your willingness to listen, learn, and contribute using every tool available. Occupations, sports, hobbies, etc. all have tools and would suffer without them. That brings me to a tool for  ‘Dadhood’, which is 'fatherhood with caring.'

A Tool that will make you an even better Dad!

In my book, “The Power of Dadhood,” Appendix B is a tool all fathers can use to evaluate their actions and skills as a parent. Its title is “A Dad’s Self Inspection (DSI) Checklist.”

Every year around Father’s Day I make the DSI Checklist available as a reminder to dads to think about their children in a focused way. It will take just a few moments to go over in your head and can be a tipping point positively contributing to being a more effective, loving, and caring father. Please read and think about every question that applies to your situation. It could change you or your children’s lives, or the checklist may validate that you already are an outstanding dad!

The DSI Checklist is an eye-opening and straightforward list of questions you can ask yourself as a father. If you would keep it handy, glancing at it occasionally, it can pull you back to your children in areas where you may have been lax. I developed it after I had written the book. Therefore, every question is a topic addressed in the book, helping with details.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

ou know what kids want, besides sympathy, sweets, and getting their way? They want to be loved, understood, and protected. They also want someone to help them when they need it and to watch their backs. Who better to do that than Mom and Dad?

What else do kids want? They want answers but may not ask. They want discipline but won’t admit it. They want consistency, but may not know it. They want attention, but on their terms. Surprisingly, perhaps, they don’t expect you to be perfect, but they do want you to be fair. It’s left up to parents to connect the dots, knowing when to give their kids what they want but may not realize.

Discipline is the tough responsibility for most parents. Characteristically, discipline is accompanied by anger, uncertainty, tentativeness, and a desire to look past the infraction and often followed by remorse, guilt, and reflection. When my oldest daughter was a young teen, I became upset with her for reasons I don’t recall. But I became angry at her defiance at the time. It was stealthy defiance, the kind where kids give you the “how dare you” look. My rising anger involved yelling and threatening looks. As I recall, I acted more threatening than I would ever be in reality. Regretfully, I was resorting to fear as my weapon. My official stance is to never parent through fear, but we know that isn’t always easy.

When a child gives you a smirk, or laughs at your reprimands, or ignores your directions, it is a show of disrespect. That disrespect is a challenge to you. It’s a test of where the limits are and a power-play you cannot lose. But how do you go about not losing? How do you keep your cool? If I had a pat answer to that, I would have a parenting show on the Oprah Winfrey Network. What I do know is you must have a response that is swift and strong - but without anger. But who am I kidding? How can you not have anger occasionally?

When I say your response should be without genuine anger, I mean being out of control. Showing controlled anger helps to get your point across, IMHO. Without having any specific recommendation as to how to handle a challenge by your child, I do recommend that you be thinking at that moment, “Am I in control?” While fear is not a gold star tool of parenting, you must demand respect from your children. Fortunately, you can get that respect by your fairness and consistency throughout your parenting. It will do you well in most circumstances. But we don’t live under a permanent rainbow, nor do we ride unicorns on cotton candy clouds. Challenge is in children’s nature. It’s how they learn.

When kids refrain from doing something, of which you would not approve, hopefully, their decision is based on fear of losing your respect and not out of fear of reprisal. But fear is a very close cousin to respect, and we can’t deny that. For instance, I admire 99% of police for what they do and the dangers they face. But I also have a bit of fear when one knocks at my door or pulls me over in traffic. Police carry weapons - there is both fear and respect in that. In a way, you are the law enforcers in your home, and kids react in different ways to your authority. Some will respect your earned authority (you’re a good cop) and others will not (evoking the bad cop).
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I still think about that time some thirty years ago when I frightened my daughter over her perceived disrespect for me. I may have overreacted (although I think she overreacted also). I regret that incident, but while I was angry and showed it, I knew what I was doing at the time. I was not out of control. I may not react the same way today, but my daughter did know one thing after that incident - I loved her, and I was being her dad.

Summary

There are no pat answers to parenting. However, always think through what you are doing. Never lose control. Mistakes will be made, and be comforted that you are not alone in making them. Perfection will not be the reason your kids love you. But there is something that will make them love (or hate) you, and that is their perception of you. If your children:

• perceive you are loving and protecting them,
• that you have their backs,
• that disciplining is just part of your molding them to be better people, and
• you are predictable and consistent,

then you will be loved as much as any child can love a parent – despite your occasional mistakes.

Your child’s perception of you is more important than your attempted perfection as a parent!

Originally posted July 2019
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Nine Simple Yet Difficult Rules for Parenting

1. Be your child’s biggest advocate.
2. Find balance in your parenting.
3. Be involved with your children’s lives, but not too involved. (see #2)
4. Be a fun parent when appropriate. Be stern, when necessary. (see #2)
5. Be loving and show it—but have strict boundaries for behavior. (see #2)
6. Be consistent with rules and consequences, but don’t be totally inflexible. (see #2)
7. Never argue with your spouse in front of your children, nor use them as tools.
8. Treat all your children fairly, but you can’t treat them all the same. They’re individuals.
9. Remember that your child trusts what they see in you more than what you say.

An important consideration

Every child benefits by having two parents/guardians. Every measure and statistic support this statement. Often single parents, mostly mothers, are offended by this comment when they need not be. Most single parents are heroic in doing the job of two. Often, being a single parent is not a choice, yet children need the love and perspective of both a male and a female. Seek the help of a friend or relative to fill that void if it exists. (see #2)

My mother was married but raised six children alone. And while no family can follow these rules perfectly, it was impossible for my mother. She did her best without the help of my father. We all had to deal with the consequences of that situation; and there were many.
 
Michael Byron Smith
Author of “The Power of Dadhood” and the “Helping Fathers to be Dad’s” Blog (MichaelByronSmith.com)