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The World Where Parents Rarely Go!

3/31/2016

Photo by author

How do we educate ourselves these days? There is no excuse to claim ignorance about the topics that most impact our lives.

I’m guessing most of my readers have heard of the “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon”, a concept that proposes that if you go to all of Kevin Bacon’s co-actors, then the co-actors of all his co-actors and so forth for six rounds, you will have covered every actor in the entertainment industry. This is based on the “six degrees of separation “, the theory that everyone and everything is six or fewer steps away, by way of linking, from any other person in the world. It’s a chain of a friend of a friend.

Using this concept, if someone knew just 100 people and if each of those 100 people knew 100 more, that first person would have access to 10,000 people through people they know personally. Do that five more times and that would be a path to 100,000,000,000,000 people without counting for overlap (knowing the same people).

That is just a fun fact that makes the point that there is a path to anyone or anything if you wish to go there and dig really deep. And I haven’t even mentioned the internet as yet. But I will now. I mention it in connection to raising your children and knowing what they are up against out there in the world where parents rarely go.

Here’s a way to get the lay of land as see by your 13-year-old or 16-year old, whatever age your kid may be, who is allowed to be on social media. Facebook will be a good example. First of all, you must have access to your under aged children’s accounts. Not to have access is not doing your duties as a parent. You can trust your child but you must always verify. This protects them from predators and themselves and the immature decisions they will make.

The Six Degrees of Facebook

But there is something else you can do, which brings me back to the six degrees of Kevin Bacon. Young people share on Facebook—a lot! Every friend of your child may be good kids, but they live in a culture different from that of our day. Yes, we were kids too, so you know the mischief kids can get into. But the environment is different in that any child is much more likely to be exposed to all kinds of behavior of which you should also become aware. To do this, click on the page of a friend of your child’s. If they have posted publicly, you have the rights of any other person in the public to look at their page. The real purpose here is to find a friend you don’t know through the friends you do know, glance at what is going on, and then look randomly at a friend of this third person. Do this a few times, looking at friends of friends of friends. The point is not to even look at names or the people, but look at the culture that you see going on. You may be shocked!

What I have seen on Facebook is language that is beyond foul, photos that are embarrassing to even look at, terminology that I couldn’t understand, activities which are brazen, obscene, and lack respect. I’ve seen videos of young men come up to strange girls and make disrespectful, crude suggestions, only to have the girls giggle like they have been charmed. You may find philosophies on life and living of which you were not aware. I’ve seen some of this through my own family.

Am I surprised as I dig into this public behavior, recorded for all to see? No. I’m aware truly disgusting things go on. What does surprise a bit is the widespread sharing and acceptance of it. I don’t propose to make over-the-top postings illegal. I just think parents should know what their children may be exposed to and what is accepted as normal behavior.

Let me re-emphasize that doing this research should not be a witch hunt nor should it target anyone. It is just a way to discover things about your children’s environment that they are likely not going to tell you for reasons including, fear, embarrassment, guilt, or just not knowing any better. Armed with the information you find among those of your children’s age group, you will be in a better position to understand their culture, their challenges, the things that are going on about which you had no idea. There is strength in knowledge and the more you know, the more you have an ability to prevent your loved ones from falling into traps from which there may be no escape.

#powerofdadhood

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The Power of Dadhood!

3/28/2016

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Credit: CBS News

Yesterday, as I write this, was Easter. I was dressed to go to Easter service at my mother’s church. Having some time before I needed to leave, I tuned-in to the CBS show, Sunday Morning. A story came on about an eleven-year-old Ohio boy who performed a very honorable act when he was just nine. You may have seen it yourself. He was chosen to be honored by our country’s Medal of Honor winners, a more distinguished group you will never find.

It was a father-son story unlike any other I had ever heard. The boy had given a soldier $20 he had found in a restaurant parking lot, and wrapped it in a note. The soldier, who was there with his family, had reminded him of his dad. In the note he said, “My Dad was a soldier. He is in heaven now.” This young man went on to say he wanted to pass his good fortune forward. If you missed the short piece on Sunday Morning, you can see it here.

He did this in memory of his father, a soldier who was killed when he was just five weeks old. This young boy loved his father so much even though he had no memory of him at all. Obviously, his mother had done a wonderful job telling her son about the father he never knew. A man who died serving his country in a time of war. The boy kept his father’s dog tags and wedding ring on a chain and showed them proudly to the host.

Even though this father and son didn’t have the day to day contact that builds a relationship, even though his dad couldn’t take him fishing or to a ballgame, and although his dad could never tell him when he was doing a great job or correct him when he strayed--he had a hero, and it was his Dad! He had a model to strive for which gave him direction.

As a father, grandfather, and writer on fatherhood topics, this story struck me deeply for it showed how strong the ‘Power of Dadhood’ could be. As the story unfolded, I could feel my eyes well up. After this fatherless boy had honored his father, he wanted to go see his father’s grave site. When the photo of this young man hugging his father’s tombstone came on the screen, I could hear teardrops landing on the stiff white collar of my dress shirt. He proved to me again what I have believed so strongly for so long. Young men and young women need the love, guidance, and attention of their parents. They need someone of honor to look up to.

Myles Eckert was a ‘Gold Star’ son, a Gold Star being the symbol for a military member who has lost their life in service and defense of their country. This very young man earned every bit of that Gold Star and gave honor to it.

We can all learn from this story. There are kids that don’t fully appreciate their parents and what they do for them. There are parents that don’t realize the powerful influence they have over their kids and fail to give what they have to offer.

The Easter service that told the story of ‘The Resurrection’ at my mother’s church was beautiful and inspiring. It told us that death is not the end of one’s influence in life. But it wasn’t the only beautiful and inspiring story I heard that day, and it taught a similar lesson. This young man taught me that ‘Power of Dadhood” is just a subset of the ‘Power of Love’!

Thanks to CBS Sunday Morning for bringing us this story! <http://cbsn.ws/21Ot0I9>

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Stereotypes Can Harm Fathers and Their Children

3/24/2016

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We are all familiar with stereotypes, a usually oversimplified and often wrong characterization of a group of people. Some stereotypes are kind, some innocent, some fun, and some downright unfair. Examples of stereotypes are grandmothers baking apple pies, cops eating donuts, women as bad drivers, men never asking for directions, and politicians being less than truthful. Of course, grandmothers can also be corporate leaders, some cops are workout freaks, and Danica Patrick is a better driver than most men will ever hope to be. And speaking of men, I still don’t like asking for directions, but I will if I have to.

I’m a former engineer and the non-engineers I worked with were merciless with jokes about how engineers dressed, acted and thought. It didn’t bother me at all because some things were true. Of course other engineer traits were not true of me, but it was all in fun. However, some stereotypes are very destructive and they can be used to falsely accuse, deny, or punish the innocent.

Child Custody

The use of stereotypes is lazy and often convenient for the person using them. This is certainly the situation in many cases involving child custody, when parents cannot or will not live together. And while I can understand those that believe a mother is more beneficial to a child than a father when only one parent will be involved--it is NEVER beneficial to a child to only have one parent. Yet too often mothers, frequently supported by the courts, keep fathers from seeing their children. Stereotypes have much to do with this tragic situation. Fathers are not seen as equal, or even near equal, to mothers, as parents. While it is normal for courts to demand child-support money from an estranged father, they rarely request father-child interaction, i.e. real support. It is one thing when a man is truly a risk to his children, something I think is very rare. However, one of the greatest injustices that exists, is when a man cannot see his children because he is despised by or is being punished by the mother!

Many estranged fathers fight hard just to see their kids. Unless there is overwhelming evidence that contact will be harmful to the kids, what good would there be in keeping them away? Here is a view from one father that I have seen expressed by many others.

“There are homes that are fatherless because the law lets the woman get away with things. They can go in and file an order of protection and get the man removed from the house over lies. The victim’s assistant center laughs when a man goes in asking for help. It's never the woman in the wrong, it’s always the guy, no matter what. For guys it's guilty until proven innocent and for women it's innocent until proven guilty and even then they still get away with stuff. Not all fathers are guilty of something nor or are they deadbeats. There are those that love their kids more than the world itself and women who will do anything to get what they want no matter who they hurt, to include their own kids. They’re quick to point the finger but can't look in the mirror.”

I do understand that there are men who fight to see their children simply to annoy the mother. But I believe those situations are rare and I would always error in the direction of what is best for the children. When a father is truly unfit to see his children, he should be denied. But when a stereotype becomes a determining factor, and when one voice is overshadowed by another because of that stereotype, those involved must take a long look at the potential injustice.

Kids need their father for so many reasons. Those reasons and how fathers can best fulfil those needs are discussed in detail in my book The Power of Dadhood and in this blog.

#powerofdadhood

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Why Me?

3/21/2016

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We’ve all been there. Something unfortunate happens to us and we say “why me”? In other words, “what did I do to deserve this?” When we ask this question of ourselves, it’s not a serious attempt to find an answer. But maybe it should be!

When you find you have an unwanted pregnancy, do you ask, “why me”?
When your marriage falls apart, how well did you know your spouse before marriage? Did you ever think, “I can change them”? Do you think it was all you partner’s fault and that you were pure?
If your child is failing in school or constantly in trouble, do you consider what kind of parent you have been?
When you can’t find the job that you want, do you review, honestly, your qualifications, your personality, your energy level? Did you prepare yourself with an education that fit the job/occupation you desire?
When you get a flat tire, do you consider where you were driving? Were your tires in good shape? If they were, do you think you are the only one who ever got a flat tire?

Bad things happen to all of us. Some of them happen because we are careless, unaware, or stupid. Others happen without any fault of our own. Here are some examples;

You are in an accident because of a drunk driver.
Your car falls into a sinkhole.
Your house is destroyed by a tornado.
You are struck by a sickness or disease.

Life itself is full of risks! We know when we hit the streets that drunk drivers are out there. Different areas of the country have unique risks such as sinkholes, tornadoes, hurricanes, floods, etc. We are always at some risk, even sitting in our easy chair eating chips and drinking a diet coke. We also take calculated risks. If we did not, life would not be very enjoyable. Some of us are born into families with medical histories or tendencies that can affect us negatively, the only alternative to that is no chance at life at all.

Is life fair? We know it is not, but we all act like it is supposed to be. I wrote about this in "The Greatest Lesson". As soon as we rid ourselves of this notion that life is fair, or that we are special in some way, the better-off, mentally, we will become. There are few things that upset me more than getting a speeding ticket which means points on my license, money down the drain, or even more money getting a lawyer. But the next time I get a ticket, and I hope to be a responsible driver, I will recall all those times that I could have gotten a ticket, but didn’t. That thought calms me down, a little.

We seem to ignore the breaks we get. When we get a beautiful day for our birthday or wedding, or our newborn is perfectly healthy, or we catch all green lights, we rarely think to say "why me?"

My point is to take responsibility for your life and actions! Accept that "stuff happens". Not only will you feel some relief, but your attitude and view of life will change. You will be more careful in your choices, make less mistakes, and you will rarely say, “Why me?”

But sometimes, like me, you will still say “Why me?” out of frustration, and that’s okay. But don’t really think that you don't know.

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The Most Dangerous Weapon, The Most Positive Force

3/17/2016

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Talk to your children! Photo by author

What could it be? What could be so dangerous and hurtful yet is also an undeniably powerful force for good in the world. In the context of global warfare, it could be a stealth bomber or even a nuclear bomb--so lethal that their mere presence keeps the peace, given they are in the right hands. That is logic with which you can agree or disagree, but in the world of raising children, there is something else that can be just as destructive yet also a powerful force. And with this, I think you will agree. That something is ‘Your Words’.

Mental Well Being

How a parent talks to his children can make or break them. It’s not just the words, it’s the context of the words, the tone of the words, and the look in your eyes when you say them. “Encouragement” sounds like a positive word and it is if the result causes a child to do good for themselves or others. But kids have been encouraged to do things that can destroy. A child can also hear positive words told in a sarcastic voice or with an angry look. Kids, like adults, take in the entire presentation of what you say to them.

To say kids are impressionable is obvious. What is not obvious to many parents is the recognition or awareness of that fact, especially when they, the parents, are angry. Words can cut deep but their scars do not show, at least not in a direct way. There is no doubt that parents can cause deep psychological scars but hopefully the most serious instances of this are rare. But this lesson in words is not just about the obvious injustices. It’s about the more subtle impacts of words too.

Normal Growth

Constantly talking to your kids allows them to have a better vocabulary, to have more curiosity in life and things, and to learn at a faster pace. A study from Rice University shows that “a child from a high-income family will experience 30 million more words within the first four years of life than a child from a low-income family…and 125,000 more words of discouragement than encouragement. When compared to the 560,000 more words of praise as opposed to discouragement that a child from a high-income family will receive, this disparity is extraordinarily vast.”

Let me say that again. Some kids hear an average of 30,000,000 more words in their first four years than those less fortunate. Low income kids hear 125,000 more words of discouragement than encouragement. High income kids hear the opposite, 560,000 more words of encouragement than discouragement. These statistics are astounding to me! They tell a story which will continue in perpetuity unless some societal change takes place. This will be difficult, but it can be changed immediately by concerned families. Not just low income families, but any family that does not engage more often with their children for some crazy reason.

High income people are typically better educated and are more likely to emphasize education and social activity. Low income people will be less likely to do either, but very importantly, they are much more likely to only have one parent in the home. When only one parent lives with a child, there are so many words that will never be heard from the missing parent. Of course, they possibly could have been discouraging words, but more likely, the encouraging words your child should be hearing are missing.

Certainly there are low income parents who are much better parents than some high income parents. The figures mentioned above are just tendencies and the point is not income levels, but the habits of people that help children to thrive or to languish.

What to Do

Reading to children is truly fundamental!

Kids need to socialize!

Make sure to have constant conversations with your kids and don’t talk down to them. Use words you think they won’t or don’t understand. How else will they learn? Place them in social situations when you can. They learn from everyone, but make sure they are learning from the right kind of people. Be patient with them so they don’t shy away from expressing themselves. And, of course, read to them and encourage them to read. Words that are read always teach, not only the story, but the connection between voices and letters, and you to them.

Here is an exerpt from my book to help evaluate your parenting , written for Dads, but also for Moms!

A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist

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34 Ways Kids Can Learn (25 in Pictures)

3/14/2016

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Photos by author and his daughters

Kids learn in so many ways! It's imperative that give you them the room to grow, providing as many experiences as possible. Start right away because they younger they are, the more quickly they learn with the capacity to learn more quickly. Here are just 34 ways they learn. There are many more!

They learn when they help

They learn when they imagine

They learn when they shop

They learn when they explore

They learn when they read!!

They learn when they play

They learn doing chores

They learn when they’re happy

They learn when they’re sad

They learn when they compete

They learn when they travel

They learn at home by themselves

They learn at school with others

They learn with technology or,

They learn with a box or,

They learn with blocks.

They learn from their mom

They learn from their dad

They learn playing sports

They learn when they pretend

They learn when challenged

They learn by doing

They learn by testing

They learn from your interaction with them

They learn to love from you!

They learn when they lose
They learn when they win
They learn with failure
They learn with success
They learn when they watch
They learn when they listen
They learn when they’re praised
They learn when they’re corrected
They learn when they are encouraged!

Kids are ALWAYS learning!
Give them a target rich environment.
Be the best teacher, observer, adviser, mentor, cheerleader, example, etc. you can be!

* * *

Thanks to my grandchildren and their parents for allowing me to use them as examples!

#powerof dadhood
MichaelByronSmith.com

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Our Changing Parental Challenges Have Unchanging Solutions

3/10/2016

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How to parent today is a lot different than a generation or two ago. Or is it? When I wrote “The Power of Dadhood: Become the Father Your Child Needs”, it was my goal to make it as timeless as possible. In Chapter 13 I write,

“(I have not) discussed in depth the current technologies that impact our children’s lives: cell phones, cable television, computers, the Internet, and so on. These conveniences help us in our everyday lives, but they also bring more challenges in protecting our children from predators, immorality, misinformation, and so many influences that may counter our beliefs and the good of our children. But the answers to good parenting remain constant through all technological changes.”

Those answers to good parenting I’ve discussed many times and are generally quite easy to agree upon. Love, consistency, and discipline are among those keys to good parenting.

Technology Challenges

Let’s take technology as an example. What unbelievable convenience, knowledge, and entertainment comes to us through technology, and with the speed of light. So too are the many frightening things that can come to us and our children as mentioned in my quote above. We adults are on our own with regard to weeding out the good from the bad. Take advantage of technology, don’t let it take advantage of you. Avoid getting trapped in endless loops of YouTube videos or Candy Crush mania. Instead, use these incredible advantages, never seen by any other generation, to do amazing things for ourselves and our children.

Familiar Solutions

Let’s protect our children and show them the right way to use technology. When you read the bullets regarding the use of technology for good, remember that these suggestions are just technologically focused ways of parenting using proven techniques such as involvement, showing love, discipline, and having principles.

Using Technology for Good Parenting

Use your smart calendar to remind you of your kids’ important events, or to schedule family time.
The readily available camera will capture your kids in moments you will want to remember.
Download fun and interesting books that you can read to your kids.
Track your kids using their smart phones, and let them know you are doing so.
Subscribe to serious blogs that give parenting tips, including how to keep you child safe on the Internet.
Education and exploration is enhanced so much by technology. Use it to create interest and further the knowledge of your kids.
Text them encouraging and loving messages while remembering to also say those things aloud.

Moderation in technology will work much better than discouraging or banning it. Have rules about usage but not so much that your kids will be tempted to go behind your back. They must keep up with the world around them while simultaneously not becoming mindless, robotic, technocratic, members of the living dead.

New Twists on Old Tricks

As society changes, introducing new issues with which we must contend, fall back on the basics of good parenting to find your answers. For some of those basics, refer to "The Seven BE’s of a Successful Dad” and A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist

Past Articles

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Free Advice is Often the Most Honest

3/7/2016

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Photo by author

ADVICE! Everyone seems to be full of it. For instance, people will tell you who should you vote for; what you should eat; how to spend and save your money; and how to raise your kids. I could be guilty of the last charge--“how to raise your kids”. Actually, I AM guilty. But let me explain.

You’ve heard this advice on advice. “Free advice is usually worth what you pay for it”. It’s largely true. Advice you get for free often comes from people who don’t know enough to get paid for it. On the other hand, people who really know what they are doing have something of value and they don’t routinely give it away for nothing.

Here is some more advice on receiving advice and, of course, it is free! Have an idea of the motive and/or background of the person advising you. For example, here are some thoughts to ponder.

Would you trust a used car salesman to tell you which car is best for you?
Would you take dieting advice from an obese person?
Would you trust a priest to know how to save your marriage?

The answer to those questions may seem obvious to you, but many people have an opposite reaction to what you would do.

Trust is not the key determinate for accepting someone’s advice, for very many trustworthy people give well-meaning yet bad advice. I think the key in evaluating advice is motive. What is the motive of the sage giving you this guidance? Are they selling you something? Are they innocently biased? Are they knowledgeable? But even knowing their motive isn’t enough! Every decision is a personal one. What is right for one person may not be right for you.

This brings me to my title. “Free Advice is Often the Most Honest”. Having stated all the warnings of above, when someone has nothing to gain by the advice they give, you know it comes honestly and from the heart. Absolutely, that has nothing to do with how this advice will work for you! It does however remove any bias of gain on their part, although I’m not denying that receiving agreement is a sort of gain. That brings me back to how to raise your kids.

Honest Fathering Advice

I give what I think is honest fathering advice on this “Helping Fathers to be Dads” blog. While I do have bias’s regarding fatherhood, none have to do with gain on my part. I have no blog advertisers and never intend to have one. I receive no speaking fees and spend hours a week on this blog without getting anything more than satisfaction.

But wait, you say, you are selling your book via your website. I am, but only receive about 80 cents per book sold through Amazon or Barnes and Noble, and I give away quite a few. I don’t expect to ever get back what I have put into my book on being a good dad. That would take multiples of thousands of book sales! But I didn’t write the book to make money. I wrote it because I saw a need—a very important need and it is worth all the time and money I spend on it. Still, my advice is just that. It doesn’t necessarily fit your situation, but I think it is worthy of consideration.

Here it is! Free Advice!

Since I know how difficult it is to keep up, click on this link to browse some (not all) past articles of mine. Look through them and read what seems most interesting. Better yet, I would love to hear from you if you find one article particularly helpful.

There is always something new to learn as a parent, and what better topic on which to be knowledgeable? Thank you for considering my advice! I have nothing to gain except more healthy families in my world.

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How to Be a Good Dad in 35 Simple (Not Always Easy) Steps!

3/3/2016

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Photo by author

These thoughts on being a good dad are from my experience as a father and grandfather and my wife's experience as a parent educator. I don’t recommend depending on this advice alone! There are many awesome parenting books out there (including mine) and I recommend that you read them! But for you dads that don’t or won’t read parenting books, here is a shortcut. Also, communicate clearly with your child’s mother regarding all aspects of parenting.

Before kids

1. Find a wonderful mate
2. Fall in love (not infatuation)
3. Marry this loved one (highly preferred)
4. Really WANT to have a child!
5. Have intimate relations with your mate (you are on your own here)
6. Be mentally ready (If you are fortunate, you will have a healthy child which will change your life)

Baby Baby

7. Keep them safe! (this includes a proper car seat)
8. Hold the baby, feed the baby, and talk to the baby!
9. Change the baby’s diapers! (If you don’t, you’re a wimp!)
10. Read to the baby! (The baby will associate snuggling, comfort, and love with books)
11. Continue to help the mother in all aspects of parenting!

Toddler Time

12. Watch closely as your toddler will be adventurous! (Stairs, small objects, sharp objects are all dangerous)
13. Read to your toddler! (Always very important)
14. Love and comfort your toddler (but don’t pick them up at every whimper)
15. Assist them in standing and walking (make them work at it a bit)
16. As they get a little older, talk to them about potty training (maybe show-time will help)
17. Don’t push them too hard in getting out of diapers (but don’t be lazy about it)

Pre-school to Tween

18. Some things get easier and other things get tougher as a parent (e.g. no diapers, but more attitude)
19. Buckle their seat belt
20. When you get home, ask them how they’re doing (and listen!)
21. Check school work (help them learn but don’t solve problems for them)
22. Take them with you on errands (it may take twice as long but it will make memories and connections)
23. Experience stuff together (fishing, ballgames, camping, swimming, whatever creates memories together)
24. Praise their efforts, especially their persistence
25. Challenge them with tasks just beyond their perceived capability (give them enough help that they don’t give up)

Teen Time

26. Buckle your seatbelt! (You know what I mean)
27. Be a good example (you can no longer fool them)
28. Continue to do stuff together as much as possible! (It may be tough but not so much if you have developed traditions)
29. Give them some space and show them trust (but verify, verify, verify)
30. At some reasonable point in time, talk about bird and bees and real life. (You might learn something!)
31. Be willing to be “hated” for doing the right thing for your teens.
32. Be conscious of likely peer pressure. (As a teen, impressing their friends trumps being straight with you)
33. Help them when it makes them stronger. Don’t help them if it makes them weaker.
34. Expect solid contributions from them to maintain the household.
35. Teach goals, integrity, and education

Adulthood

They are the person they will most likely be the rest of their life. Some life experiences will change them, but your influence on their childhood will be significant influence on who they are. Remain involved and give advice when asked.

Summary

Be involved, be knowledgeable, be loving, be consistent, be fun, and have principles! Read about parenting. There is always something to learn. You will always be influential in your children’s lives. Be sure it is the right kind of influence.

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