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A Dads Dilemma: What's Popular vs. What's Important

3/31/2014

Would you rather play golf at Pebble Beach or go to your daughter’s dance recital? If you are an avid golfer, it may be tough to answer that honestly. If you chose Pebble Beach, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad dad. It would depend on the scenario. Some decisions, however, are much easier.

I have a confession. As a young father, I let what was popular (to me) get in the way of what was important. The important thing I allowed to take a back seat was my family. What’s more important than that!? I’m guessing other parents have done the same thing at one time or another. It’s easy to do in the everyday humdrum of life and even more so when you are a rookie dad, like I was at the time.

What I often did as a young father was listen to a sports talk show while we were eating dinner as a family. Although relatively harmless compared to some of the things unfit fathers do (or don’t do), that was silly, selfish and is embarrassing to me now. This talk show was an escape for me, and since the internet didn't exist then, I couldn't tap into the conversation later. It was a lousy excuse then as it remains a lousy excuse today. Of course my wife complained, but I somehow rationalized to myself that it was alright. When I was growing up with my brothers and sisters, we did not have ‘dad time’. There was no model for me to follow, so while I may have known deep down that I was wrong, I wasn't shamed by an example from my youth.

This is just one example of how coming from a dysfunctional family reverberates into following generations. It is also why well meaning people make mistakes. We all need trusted mentors, examples to follow, that can show us the proper way. We usually parent as our parents parented - which can make us glad or sad! When a parent is missing, there is usually no example from whom to learn. Children need both parents of course, but specifically, a boy is lost without a male example and a girl is lost without a female example.

In the same way, important topics like parenting and world issues are overtaken in media and conversation by popular topics like celebrity gossip, sports, and reality TV. This is not going to change any time soon. Perez Hilton and TMZ have top rated blogs based on gossip. As a society, we love and pay much attention to gossip. When Kim Kardashian or Mylie Cyrus sneeze, we know about it. I can’t explain it. I've never been a big fan of celebrity. But then I have issues others don't understand.

Of course, it’s natural and within our rights to have things we like to do for ourselves! We would be very unhappy and terrible to be around otherwise. If my daughter wanted my attention during the ninth inning of the seventh game of the World Series, I would have no trouble telling her to wait if the issue could wait - and it usually can. Just think about what’s the most important thing at the time. If there is any doubt, I hope you know what to do!

Society may not change, but you can change as a parent. Think about what you might be doing that’s popular instead of what is important, especially as it deals with your kids. Think, also, about fixing that if necessary!

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Bad Parenting - Public Enemy Number One!

3/27/2014

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Would the real public enemy #1 please read this?

Forget those wanted posters in the post office. Public enemy number one in the USA is bad parenting! It is the root cause of so many issues.

John Dellinger, the depression area bank robber was once called public enemy number one, but he was just 'an ephemeral bubble of foam in the sea of miscreants'. In other words, he wasn’t the real problem. His view on life was formed as a kid with an inconsistent father and the loss of his mother at 3 years of age. There would always be someone to take Dellinger's place. Another miscreant.

President Nixon once called 'drugs' public enemy number one, but of course illegal drugs are harmless if ignored by the public. On the other hand, children are NOT harmless if ignored. Children are at risk if not loved and mentored by their parents. They are more likely to have social issues, drug dependency, or simple lack of confidence. There is, however, no training certificate required to be a mom or a dad. If we didn't have decent parents as role models, we react by the seat of our pants, which can lead to inconsistency. Inconsistency in parenting is like playing the lottery. The odds are your children will lose. The real way to being a good parent is the same as making a good living. You have to make smart choices and work hard!

The statistics are out there and they are staggeringly negative when both parents are not in the home. Just ‘google’ fatherless statistics and see what I mean. Here is just one example:

http://fatherhoodfactor.com/us-fatherless-statistics/

We will never wipe out drug use, crime, violence, mental illness, welfare, anger, mistrust, unwed mothers, etc. All of these are threats to our society but none of them are our primary threat. When and if we ever concentrate, as a society, on improving parenting skills, with education and support, then the issues of drug use, crime, violence, mental illness, welfare, anger, mistrust, unwed mothers will be much more manageable.

A turn around in fatherless homes, in recycled poor parenting, can never happen in one generation. If done well, however, it would very likely turn our society around in three generations. We need to encourage fatherly involvement and find a way to teach parenting skills. Let’s arrest bad parenting now, for our grandchildren and great-grandchildren!

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Such a Boring Word - Parenting!

3/20/2014

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Parenting is such a boring word. Even when you break it down, it’s a boring word. ‘Pare’ is not near as exciting as ‘slice’. ‘Rent’ is never as desirable as ‘own’. And ‘Ing’ is an insurance company. Insurance is boring! 'Zing' is much better the 'ing'.

When you mention parenting to a new mom, you might get a head nod. Mention the topic of parenting to a young dad and he immediately nods off. So the reason we have so many bad parents might be because so few of us (especially men) want to talk about it. Except a few nuts like me.

Did you hear about the couple that was about to lose their house and had to find a way to make money – quick! So the wife sits down and writes a racy book in the vein of “50 Shades of Grey”, publishes it herself as an ebook, and sells over 100,000 copies by word of mouth alone. ‘Racy’ and ‘sex’ are words that will get attention – everyone’s! I can’t write about sex, however, because I don’t know enough about it. But I digress.

You may be surprised that parenting is a lot like sex.

1) Its better if you do it with someone else.

2) To be a parent usually involves sex, even if done clinically.

3) Poor parenting could result in frustration and loneliness, just like poor s-e-x.

Obviously a parenting book isn’t likely to do near as well as a racy book because it will assumed to be preachy and boring, making you feel neurotic instead of erotic. So what do I do? I write a blog and a book about fatherhood, or “Dadhood” if you will.

Unlike sex, parenting is not a subject for which you will turn your car around if you forget it. (Who am I kidding? Guys never forget sex!) If you’re spinning the radio dial, you’ll stop if you hear the word breast, until you figure out it is a cooking show. But hear the word ‘parenting’, and you are hitting the scan button.

But seriously folks! Is there a more important topic for which to be informed? We can stumble our way through sex and still have a child. But if we stumble our way through parenting, we can lose a child. There are things you can pick up about parenting that will make your life easier and allow your kids to adapt to the world more successfully. You’re not born an expert dad - and it’s not easy at all.

When I was nine I remember my uncle, who was single, criticizing my Mom about how she was raising my siblings and me. He may have been correct, but he eventually had three kids himself. Then he found out how tough it was to raise kids! We can learn a few things by reading about it and discussing it.

Believe me, I’m not “Helping Fathers to be Dads” to make money. I’m actually losing about $1.65 an hour (wild guess) writing on ‘dadhood’. Multiply that by hundreds of hours and it gets a little steep. However, better fathering and parenting are important to me. If I can get the attention of a few dads and get them thinking about being better fathers, and how rewarding (and totally un-boring) it is, it will be way worth it!

Thanks for reading!

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That's Part of Growing Up?

3/17/2014

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This is an article I wrote for the National Fatherhood Initiative (see below). It talks about growing up when a father is, or is not involved with his children.

Too many times, in my opinion, the phrase "that's just part of growing up" is an excuse for poor behavior or poor parenting. On the other hand, there is quite a bit involved in just growing up. It sure helps to have a helping hand!

Moms, Dads, and Grandparents are best suited and the most motivated to do the job well!

Click here to read the article - That’s Part of Growing Up?

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Sometimes, Always, Try, and Never - Parenting Points to Ponder

3/14/2014

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Graffiti by the Mississippi River - artists or ?

Dads make mistakes! (So do Moms). When it comes to parenting it's likely that dads make, on average, more mistakes than moms. But when the errors dads make are of commission (action) and not those of omission (inaction), I think we can recover.

I’ve basically developed my fathering style on my own. When you do this, you have some false believes and it often takes a while to correct. While your intentions may be good, the results may not be. Without going into specifics, I’ve changed some of my views on how to raise kids properly. If you don’t, then you are just stubborn or not paying attention.

A fathering style that works, even in the face of imperfection, has some key components, two of which are caring and being there! Below are lists of many other facets of parenting and where I stand on them today (not yesterday or tomorrow, but today).

Each bullet point is a topic all parents need to think about. I personally believe in all of them. What really changes for me are the terms ‘sometimes’, ‘always’, ‘try’, and ‘never’.

There are thoughts (points) in the ‘sometimes’ and ‘try’ lists that I used to think should be in the ‘always’ list. Tomorrow I may move a thought from ‘always’ to ‘sometimes’ and so forth. I’m pretty solid on the ‘never’ list, but I’m open to discussion on it.

Therefore, I present my lists of parenting philosophies. It’s not perfect. It’s subject to interpretation and style. But it is good to think about these ideas when you are raising kids. My list will grow and it will change. That’s good! That means I’m an active parent/grandparent. So here goes:

Sometimes

·       You have to say NO for a loved one to move forward.

·       You have to honest with a loved one, instead of fooling them into failure.

·       Your children feel the most love when being denied.

·       You need to coddle and sometimes you need to push.

·       Be silly and sometimes be serious.

Always

·       Show love and support.

·       Be honest with your children.

·       Be aware of your imperfection, and the imperfection of those you love.

Try

·       To be fair.

·       To encourage imagination and responsibility.

·       To listen.

·       To balance your needs and those of your loved ones.

·       To be consistent.

·       To have positive principles for which you are known.

Never!

·       Treat one child better than another (different maybe, but not better)

·       Underestimate your influence on your kids.

·       Have a child if you don’t want to take care of it.

·       Belittle a child, or anyone else.

·       Abuse your power.

What do YOU think?

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Growing Up Well

3/10/2014

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When you write a blog about fatherhood stating why being a good Dad is so important to your kids and society, you naturally read other blogs about family, kids, etc.

I found a blog called “Growing Up Well” written by a middle school teacher who coincidentally lives same area as me. I liked the blog and therefore bought his book entitled, “Critical Connection, A Practical Guide To Parenting Teens”. As I read this book I was amazed at how well the author understood adolescents and what wonderful advice he had to share.

The author of the blog and book is Andy Kerckhoff. The school where he teaches is an upscale private school in the St. Louis area. While my blog discusses the importance of good fathering, the need is not limited to the poor and disadvantaged. Good and bad parenting exists in all social structures and societies. In his preface to his book Mr. Kerckhoff states,

“What these parents don’t realize is that when they disengage from their adolescent children, they leave their kids to figure things out for themselves at a time when their wisdom and guidance are desperately needed.”

This is the perfect book for parents of teens and preteens. How many of us have thrown up our hands when trying to figure them out? His advice on discipline, social life, education, athletics and so much more is invaluable information to assist in knowing what your kids are going through and how to help them (and yourself) get through it.

My book "The Power of Dadhood: A Better Society, One Child at a Time" will not be out until Spring 2015, but while my book would help raising kids 0 to 12 years of age, "Critical Connection" would be the perfect compliment for those with kids 10 to 18 years.

You can order “Critical Connection, A Practical Guide To Parenting Teens” on Amazon.com.

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Bullying

3/7/2014

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There is probably no one who hasn’t experienced some form of bullying, especially when they were young. Fortunately, it is a topic in the forefront of today's news. Thank goodness for that! Bullying, however, has been around forever and it will never be stopped, but it can be controlled. Below, I will cite some excellent resources on how to deal with bullying. But first, a personal story of my bullying experience.

The period when I was about 7 to 12 years old, I had to deal with bullies quite a bit. We moved often, usually in and out of questionable neighborhoods where I was not only the new kid, but the skinny, meek looking, new kid. I was the perfect target for neighborhood bullies trying to build their reputation for toughness. Being very cautious, I didn’t get beat up very often. I stayed indoors more than I should have, and when I ventured out I would peek around each corner, very carefully, to see if any bad guys were out there.

Avoidance is very effective when trying to avert trouble, but it is not a very good tool for self-esteem. Not confronting your problems can make you feel small. So while I would hide and run when I saw them first, I would not run if cornered. Usually the bullies where I lived worked in pairs. When caught, I would try to stumble and mumble my way out with words. It worked sometimes because, while acting tough, they were cowards themselves. They didn’t always want to fight, they just wanted to be in charge of the situation.

One Saturday afternoon when I was 12, I came across a couple of young punks about my age under a highway viaduct. I had found a rapid transit bus flag and they wanted to take it from me. I refused because I couldn’t be a coward in front of them (as mentioned, I would have run like the wind had I saw them first). This time, it turned out one of the two guys really did like to fight. I found out why, later.

It just so happened my Dad saw this confrontation from a distance. It was one of the few times as a kid that he was around. I thought he was going to chase the bad guys away, but astonishingly to me, he said that only one of them could fight me at a time. I didn’t want to fight at all! To make a long story short, one kid was some kind of boxing ‘gym rat’. He had skills! He was really easy on me at first with my Dad there, but when I hit him in the jaw, he got mad and started pounding me. My Dad stepped in and stopped the fight. The two kids ran off and my Dad took me home.

I had a swollen eye and bloody nose and mouth. My Mom was furious that my Dad allowed this to happen! He probably did the wrong thing, especially in today’s world, but he made me face my fear and even though I lost, I felt good about that. I also felt a little closer to my Dad that day. However, it would have been better had he talked to me about handling this type of situation in advance, or taught me some self-defense.

Where to find help on bullying:

·       What does it say about the parents of kids who bully other kids? See: Teaching Kids Not to Bully

·       What does it say about the parents of kids who get bullied? Bully Proof Your Child

·       What does it say about kids who stand-by and say nothing when they see bullying?

The victims of bullying can have any number of consequences. Self-esteem can be damaged, fear can limit them, and even their health can be affected. See: Bullying May Have Lasting Health Effect on Kids

Let’s talk to our children about bullying and get their take on it. Let’s stop bullying in schools, in neighborhoods, in the office, in life! see: Stop Bullying

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Young Men - Removing Obstacles, Creating Challenges

3/4/2014

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When left to our own means, most of us would not meet our potential, if not fail outright. This is proven by the millions of us who have come from dysfunctional homes and created dysfunctional homes of our own. Sure, some break out of that cycle but not enough to keep the trend of failure from growing.

We all need guidance in our lives to learn faster, make less mistakes, and develop confidence. If we don’t have wise, loving parents, it becomes tough to compete with those that do. Sometimes we have substitutes for bad or missing parents, but not near enough to solve the problems of our troubled youth. It only takes few geniuses and entrepreneurs to make our lives easier. But it takes a large majority of us to make our society better.

It seems that when adolescents don’t become successful adults, the major reasons are due to opposite extremes. Life has either been too easy for them or life has been too hard. Sometimes life is hard for young people and they look for the easy way out. Up until the last few decades, life has been survival of the fittest. The weak of mind and/or body should always be helped, but the weak-willed or poorly mentored have little positive influence on society. Yet we help the weak-willed to survive without being fit (socially), and we don't help those that need mentoring enough. The social burden grows and this puts our future as a country in danger!

Challenge is like a chisel that defines an accomplished human being. Without challenges we are without accomplishment and, therefore, without self-respect. Growing up without good parents is not a challenge, it’s an obstacle. A challenge makes one grow whereas an obstacle prevents one from growing. Adolescents that have had it too easy often need to be challenged to improve - and rarely are. Adolescents, whose life has been difficult need encouragement - and don't know where to find it.

Beginning in the 20th Century, our government started taking over when families fail. The government does not do this well. The government removes many obstacles, but is lacking in presenting challenges and providing encouragement. This last article from “The Father Factor” series discusses placing young men in an environment where they can prosper, meeting reachable challenges. “During this stage of life, young people crave feelings of usefulness, responsibility and respect, and they long to be part of the adult world.” It’s a way to remove obstacles, introduce challenges, and to be very encouraging! This is the type of program that will bear fruit - like watering an apple tree!

Click on The Deseret News article below:

How apprenticeships can empower fathers and strengthen marriages

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Why Dads are Important - My Shortest but Most Important Post!!

3/1/2014

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Here is a troubled boy who has a totally unexpected response to a drill sergeant. The video below is why I spent 15 years taking notes and reading on this topic. It's why I ultimately wrote a book on the importance of fatherhood. It's why I work and write on this blog everyday to help dads realize how vitally important they are to their kids and how easy it is to be a good dad by just being yourself.

Fortunately, there are many dad blogs besides mine. However, there are over 41 times more mom blogs. If you know a young, new, or troubled father, let them know there are resources to put things into perspective for them.

Thank you!

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