Fathers have an enormous advantage over just about any other category of people. Even many mothers would agree with this claim. To be accepted, all dads have to do, is to be there. To be loved, all they have to do is smile and care. To be revered, all they have to do is support and encourage. A dad doesn’t need to be anyone but himself. He doesn’t have to be the same as the dad next door. He just has to be available--physically and mentally. Yet too many men fail to be contributing fathers!

In a allegorical sense, fathers are rain while mothers are soil. We notice the rain more than the soil. When it gently rains on a field of corn, it is something for which we are thankful. When the rain becomes a deluge and doesn’t let up, damage can occur. The rain or lack of rain is usually noticed. But where crops are grown, the soil is quietly there, usually full of nutrients, but not as noticed.

An excellent book for all men with daughters is Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker, M.D., a pediatrician who is an expert on treatment of adolescents with medical and social problems. She writes:

“I have watched daughters talk to their fathers. When you come in the room, they change. Everything about them changes: their eyes, their mouths, their gestures, their body language. Daughters are never lukewarm in the presence of their fathers. They may take their mother for granted, but not you. They light up — or they cry. They watch you intensely. They hang on your words. They wait for your attention, and they wait for it in frustration — or in despair. They need a gesture of approval, a nod of encouragement, or even simple eye contact to let them know you care and are willing to help.”

With boys, their fathers are the example that their sons look to when they are learning to be men. In his book, Man Enough: Fathers, Sons and the Search for Masculinity Dr. Frank Pittman states,

“There was no secret to fathering, no magical answers about masculinity that are passed on from generation to generation. Boys learn to be men by being with their fathers, experiencing the world and living life. But if they haven’t had that experience, they may never feel comfortable with an awareness of what it means to be a man, what they are supposed to do with their masculinity, and how they can become fathers themselves.”[J1] [MS2] 

Of course, mothers have been the standard bearer for parenting. They have shown to be the more reliable and nurturing parent over the course of history. But mothers and fathers have different roles, often characterized by the steady hand of the mother and the stimulation of the father.

Both the soil and rain are needed for the fields of corn to thrive. The roots of their stalks are in the soil--but they thirst for the rain. So it is with children, who depend on roots and thrive on nourishment. It is good for the family when parents have different strengths because children have various needs that can vary from child to child.

When rain is not sufficient, crops will not flourish. When the soil has little or no nutrients, rain will have little impact on the crops being healthy. When fatherly attention is lacking or motherly love is weak, children are at high risk for trouble or failure. When both situations exist, a child’s future is tragically burdened with predictably bad results.

Of course the metaphor is not perfect. Parental roles and family outcomes are not set in stone. But both parents are critical factors in the mental and physical health of their families. Fathers mustn’t waste the advantage they naturally have with their daughters and sons. They want your attention and need your positive influence. Having happy children grow into responsible adults will likely be your greatest contribution to society.  

May your crops be healthy and bountiful!

When surrounded by good people, a child will very likely become a good citizen--if they listen and learn. When that support is missing,  a child will fail--unless they have... grit!

The Silent Hand

For every successful person, there are those behind the scenes that helped that person along their way. They are often the silent hands that lifts a person’s chin up, keeping eyes focused. Encouragement, lessons, advice, or just a smile can be the key to someone’s success. Most often, the person best suited to be the silent hand--is a mom and/or a dad.

Credit is still due to the one who listened and learned because many do not succeed even when helped. Supportive families have their share of lost children because of a myriad of reasons, (drugs use, rebellion, outside influences, etc), all of which can result in children who do not respect or believe what they hear from their true mentors.

Sometimes it takes grit!

Lastly are those who, lacking someone to look up to, put on their spurs and 'cowboy up' to take charge of their lives when encouragement is as common as cool water in the desert. That's what I call 'grit', and those that have it eventually find their silent hand, anxious and willing to help.

I am reminded of all those that helped me, from the elderly couple that praised me for my efforts learning to ice skate, to the high school counselor who helped me get a college scholarship. Of course, my mother deserves credit for showing me love, feeding me and putting a roof over my head during very stressful times, especially for her. My wife Kathy pulled me through my early adult years, years when I was so naive, unsure of myself, and clumsy (I'm still clumsy). She kept me on track and I thank her for that. I got out of a bad situation, but I needed their help, and the help of many others. 

I do not claim to be a successful person in some glamorous or heroic way. No, I am successful for taking what was handed to me and making something more out of it. That is the only kind of success we can ask or hope for. That kind of success is made possible by taking advice--and using it, while adjusting it to your situation. We are often quick to blame others for our failures but slow to give a nod to anyone who gave us a push in the right direction. My high school counselor couldn't have helped me had I not the 'grit' to put my nose in the books. My wife would not have stayed with me had she not seen my determination. Grit will call out the silent hand!

Cooperation is key

If I may use a few metaphors. We notice the apple falling from the tree, but we forget--except Isaac Newton--that gravity made it possible. We see a sail billowing and give it all the credit for propelling the boat, but the sail is useless without the breezes it captures. We appreciate the rain when it nourishes our crops, but the soil is always there for us, relatively unnoticed.

Still credit goes also to the doer. The apple falls but it also held on until ripe. The sail billows only because it is strong enough to withstand the stress of the breezes. The soil must have sufficient nutrients or the crops will still fail, rain or not. So it is with us and our children. It takes both a community of helpers, and an individual that will listen and learn, and maybe have some grit, to make a success story. 

When success loses

Success stories are rare when either the community of helpers does not exist, or the individual fails to take advantage of the help. To be successful when one or the other is missing takes enormous energy. For a young man to climb out of a fatherless home in a crime ridden neighborhood to be a success--is an almost miraculous feat requiring enormous grit. Not only is help difficult to find for him, but forces that would pull him down to the gutter are rampant. He must struggle mightily to find his way out and too few do so. In the opposite situation, a young man will fall far short of his potential when he has all the advantages which would seem to make success obtainable, but fails to use some or all of them.

The first example of no support is a situational tragedy that takes tremendous spirit and grit to escape. The second example of a lost child is a spiritual tragedy that requires an inordinate amount of tireless and selfless assistance from friends and loved ones attempting to correct their attitude or internal issues.  

A family is the perfect community to help young people succeed

A self-driven young person with a supportive family would have an atmosphere of encouragement and cooperation to help pave the way to success. However, a young person who seems lost, lazy, or defiant will need a supportive family even more so. Not supportive in accepting their negative characteristics, but supportive in getting them psychological help, or supportive in demanding better from them, and/or supportive in an encouraging, caring way. When those things fail to help, then the negative consequences they have brought upon themselves must be experienced to the fullest. The silent hand is not there to be shunned. The family community must relent when it is evident their help is not working.

We all fail and there are two types of failures. One type fails by trying and the other type fails by not trying. The first type will be helped--with the admiration of the community--to become stronger. The second type will be helped—with the compassion of the community—but will become weaker. They will survive, barely, on the patience and pity of others.

Summary

When the silent, lifting hand of a strong family does not exist, it will take a strong individual to break through and achieve success. Escaping to success from a non-supportive family is a gift to society as much as it is a blessing to the escapee. Support, wherever you find it, is key! But support has limits and must stop when it is forever fruitless. My heart goes out to both, the family strong enough to stop the feeding the endless ne’er-do-wells, and to those who succeed with grit from little or nothing. It takes so much energy and patience to be a good and contributing citizen, also called a success. And that's what makes it special!

The perceived truth is always in the eyes of the beholder. The factual truth sometimes has to be painstakingly excavated like an ancient pharaoh’s tomb. This article is a follow up to my previous article, The REAL Problem in Ferguson and America!

Things in Ferguson have progressed from a terrible incident that needed a thorough formal review, to a reasonable protest for justice that some assumed would not happen, to an unreasonable call for quick justice based on what people chose to believe, to violent protests and looting from opportunist who really didn’t care about Michael Brown, to other opportunists who sought to sell their brand, to anarchists and professional agitators from around the country enticed by the stage, the bright lights,  and provocation of the  media.

Racial divide is often the blame. It is my contention, however, that race is not the real issue here—broken families are! In recent times, race was THE issue when justice was questioned regarding Blacks, so it is difficult to get away from it. Certainly race has a place because statistics show Blacks have more chronic family issues; and not enough Blacks are represented in law enforcement for reasons that include a lack of interest, qualifications, and prejudice.

It is a lazy person who will not go through, or wait for, the proper process to find answers. Answers to questions are too often assumed, too often slanted, and too often rushed. The reason  issues are often not resolved, is because the wrong questions are asked, or the right questions don’t go deep enough!

The following process is what must happen to get to the root of any issue. Not but a handful of people in the night streets of Ferguson care about what I am about to suggest or explain. That is part of the problem! I hope you can have patience and follow me through to conclusion.

In engineering, when something goes terribly wrong, the cause is analyzed with something called the “5- Why Analysis”. Here is a simplistic example:

Problem: An Airplane Crashes

Why 1:  Why did it crash?  
Answer 1:  The wing broke off.

Why 2:  Why did the wing break off? 
Answer #2;  The supporting beam failed.

Why 3:  Why did the beam fail? 
Answer 3:  It had a structural flaw that cracked because of vibrations.

Why 4:  Why did it have a structural flaw? 
Answer 4:  While the wing design was good, the beam material was bad.

Why 5:  Why was the material bad? 
Answer 5  Because the tests used to look for flaws were not designed or performed properly.

Solution: Correct material tests to find all known possible flaws or correct the process of performing the tests.
Note that the root cause was not that the wing fell off!

To get to the root cause of an issue, you must drill down from general questions to specific questions. Here is a more specific and timely example.

Why 1; Why is violence and looting almost always in poor neighborhoods?
Ans 1:  Because clashes between authorities and citizens are more frequent.

Why 2; Why are clashes between authorities and citizens are more frequent?
Ans 2: Because there is more crime and there is more suspicion between citizens and authorities.

Why 3: Why is there more crime and suspicion?
Ans 3: Because education levels are low, jobs are scarce, and authority is not respected. (And authority is not always perfect, causing suspicion, which could be another 5-Why analysis.)

Why 4: Why are education levels are low, jobs are scarce, and authority not respected?
Ans 4: Because it is not an area with a large base of strong families.

Why 5: Why is this an area without a large base of strong families?
Ans 5: Because less than 30% (example) have fathers in the home to help guide young men and women.

Solution: Devise programs that will provide encouragement, incentive, and training to allow men to be a larger part of raising their children!

In this analysis, the Ferguson ‘unrest’ issue is not about race--it’s about the struggles of the family! I would have no hesitation whatsoever to walk in a Black neighborhood with a large base of strong families at 2 AM . Nor would I likely walk at 2 AM in a white neighborhood without a large base of strong families.

The fault lies with both the police and the community. Assumptions are made that are often wrong! And, unfortunately, the violent acts and images of a few Black men, magnified by media coverage, understandably frighten many--and unfairly tarnish all Black men.

Certainly race is a peripheral issue because there are few Black fathers in the home, resulting in a poor social and often violent upbringing. Subsequently, the profiling will be projected unto the innocent--who look, or act in some ways, like the perpetrators! There are many secondary causes for all of the troubles between police and the Black community. But the root cause is the lack of fatherhood/mentors in Black communities, which is chronically more prevalent than in other racial groups. Only 28% of Black families include two-parents as compared to 70% in white families. If that number was reversed, then it would be white kids having the majority of issues with police.

My opinions will not be accepted by many in the Black or more liberal community. It is up to Black leaders to fix troubled Black youth caused by a lack of good role models. Only the brave jump in, with both feet, to resolve the family issue in any ethnic group. Solve the fatherless family issue and I would predict a much brighter future for all and--much less looting and violence!

An African-American young man, Michael Brown, is shot and killed by a police officer in Ferguson, Missouri. The facts of that case will eventually come out. Concerned citizens protest, as is their right, and they want justice. Many want justice before justice can be properly served—prior to all the facts. Emotions are high!

On the other hand, the facts are out, but the emotion is lukewarm, about the statistics regarding what happens to young men when they are raised without responsible fathers in the home. There has been generations of time to address the clear issue of fatherless homes, but nothing substantive happens at the family level. This is one of the key issues in the looting and constant confrontations with police in Ferguson.

I have never pointed out--in any of my posts—that, 72 percent of African-American children are raised in a single parent home. I only bring it up here because the situation in Ferguson calls for it. If video is a good indicator, the perpetrators of violence and looting of Ferguson, not condoned by truly concerned citizens, are 99+ percent young Blacks. In the first night of looting, reports were that only one Black looting suspect was from Ferguson.

When young people, especially young men, are brought up without fathers, they are prone to prove themselves to other immature and fatherless young men. In his book, Fatherless America, David Blankenhorn states, “For boys, the most socially acute manifestation of paternal disinvestment is juvenile violence.”  This is truly being manifested in Ferguson during the violence there.

The anger is not that a young Black man was killed. It is because a white police officer was involved. Over 90 percent of Blacks are killed by other Blacks. This is common enough that only the next of kin and friends of the victim raise an eyebrow. But when we can blame someone out of that community, concerned citizens raise their voices more loudly. Those not having the same values as the more responsible protesters see this as a great opportunity for violence—for proving themselves to the people they hang out with, and it is not their fathers.

I am white and I live in the St. Louis area. I am very familiar with Ferguson. I have family and friends who live there and my in-laws had a business there a few years ago. I always knew it as a great example of a very proud mixed community. They are surrounded by other communities who are mostly black and low income. But being black or low income is not the reason a small percentage of them are looting and causing issues beyond the case itself. It’s because those young men and women have been fatherless most of their lives!

Did I interview every looter to know this is the situation? Of course not, but I am convinced that it is overwhelmingly true that most do not have involved fathers. Certainly, some single mothers can control their children. What is missing is the fact that while a young man can get love and attention from his mother, and respect her for that, he also needs to find acceptance and respect from a male. If that male is not a father or a respected mentor, that acceptance may be found in the streets. And the streets have a different code of ethics!

The facts will determine whether the white officer was guilty of excessive force and a crime, or if he was in fear of his safety and defending himself from an enraged young man. None of us know that yet. What we do know is that opportunists are making the situation much more dangerous, potentially causing more deaths than Michael Brown’s. The added tensions would likely not have occurred if restraint was shown on both sides. But when the restraint on the part of police was eased, as many agreed should happen, the opportunists moved back in.

Respect for authority is taught in the homes. Sometimes authority oversteps! More often, however, authority is challenged out of a perceived or learned distrust. If you do not trust that authority, violence will never bring trust to either side. The answer can't be solved at this level, it must be dealt with at its root cause.

When you ask why there is violence almost every time an incident like this happens--and continue asking why to the answers of the previous whys-- eventually you will get there. The real problem--the root issue--in Ferguson and America, is the failure to encourage and successfully create more structured two-parent families.

My five-year-old granddaughter started school yesterday--her first day of kindergarten. She was excited! She wore a colorful dress that clashed with her oversized black and yellow backpack, filled to the brim with more supplies than a survivalist flea market. Her grandmother and I came to her house that morning to take photos and walk with her and her family to school. It was a gorgeous day, sunny and cool! On the way there my granddaughter skipped, looked back at us, urging us to catch up, and seemed happily prepared for her new adventure. 

We took pictures in front of the school with her mom, dad, and little sister. Then it was time for the bell to ring so we escorted her into school, then her classroom. We met her teacher, a very pleasant lady in her early forties wearing a blouse, skirt and comfortable flats. My granddaughter had already met her once before, during orientation. Only as she was greeted by her teacher did she get a little quiet, becoming uncharacteristically shy. She sat in her assigned seat, delighted that a friend of hers was assigned to the same table.

We stayed less than a minute, leaving my granddaughter to fend for herself on this first day of a very important phase of her life. She never looked up--just a slight wave of her hand--I assume due to the anxiety of the moment. As we all walked out of the building, I could see that her mom (my daughter), was gently crying. She then said something quietly to my wife that has been said countless times by countless moms, “She’s growing up so fast!”

On the walk back to the house, I held my other granddaughter, a 10-month-old, smiling charmer, who wrapped her legs around my waste and waved to anyone who would look at her. I thought about how fast time goes by the older you get. It would be a blink of an eye and we would repeat this scene with her in five short years--when her big sister enters the 5th grade. 

“I like this age!” I thought to myself. I love to see this little one smile and reach for me. I love the rolls in her thighs and her chubby feet. When you play a song she will sway to the music and wave her hands. Her big sister used to be like that! Now her big sister is just perfect in another way. The same girl but not exactly the same girl. We all loved her as she was, and now we love her as she is! We want both, but we can’t have both. It’s the one thing that we can’t change that we really would never change if we could. Yet the melancholy still gets to most of us parents and grandparents, especially the moms!

The melancholy is a signal that you are in love with this moment, and you don’t want to lose it! But you are forgetting that you will be in love with the next moment, then the next moment. A better way to look at your children growing and maturing is to love the process, the process of going from moment to moment--while really living in each of those moments.

Life sometimes gets out-of-whack when we get too caught up in lesser thoughts. Things we can’t control, trivia that pollutes our minds, work that becomes a bigger priority than family, all these things and more will rob us of parenting moments if we let them. The melancholy is natural and loving. It’s when you miss moments that can’t be repeated or remembered that fleeting melancholy becomes permanent regret and sadness.

A tear streaming down a mother’s cheek, coming from the deep emotion of love is beautiful. A tear streaming down an absent father’s cheek because his grown children won’t have anything to do with him—is tragic!

“Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson