Category: Humor

36 Quick Suggestions for Your 2024 Attitude

12/27/2023

My granddaughter, Malia, reading when she was 11

For the New Year 2024, I hope the best for everyone. Most of it is up to you! This includes doing your best to be better no matter if it’s saving money, being a parent, or exercising. Of course, you can’t be the best at everything but you can have an great attitude! Here are some suggestions for your 2024 attitude. You don’t actually have to do these things (we can’t), but you can feel this way inside. Just think of John Travolta in the opening scene of “Staying Alive”. If that doesn’t put a bounce in your step, nothing will.

If you don’t like any of these suggestions, use your own. If you have your own thoughts on 'being like', let me know them in the comments section and I may publish them.

So......

Sing like Whitney Houston
Dance like Fred Astaire
Laugh like Eddie Murphy
Walk like John Travolta
Play like a child
Love like Mother Theresa
Pray like Billy Graham
Give like Bill Gates
Cook like Julia Childs
Inspire like Dale Carnegie
Share like Winnie the Pooh
Rock like The Rolling Stones
Swim like Michael Phelps
Run like Carl Lewis
Teach like Jesus
Be happy like Happy (one of the Seven Dwarfs)
Travel like Rick Steves
Read like my 15-year-old granddaughter
Climb Mountains like Sir Edmond Hillary
Write like Ernest Hemmingway
Build like the Egyptians
Play tennis like Serena Williams
Fly like Chuck Yeager
Exercise like Richard Simmons
Paint like Rembrandt
Design like Da Vinci
Invent like Edison
Lead like Churchill
Sleep like Rip Van Winkle
Be calm like Buddha
Study like a monk
Take photos like Ansel Adams
Ride like the Pony Express
Act like your know what you’re doing
Imagine like Elon Musk

36. But still be your best self!

#Powerofdadhood

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A Rookie Dad Story (It wasn't funny, then)

8/1/2022

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The Author with his first child, April, in 1976

Kids start out in this world knowing nothing, so like little birds in the nest, they are blessed with certain instincts. Not only that, they have super powers of hearing and eyesight. They are in tune with every vibration that would benefit them.

Our first child, April, had terrible sleep habits as a baby! She does to this day. As first time parents we would do anything to get her to sleep…so we could sleep. We made the rookie mistake of patting her gently in her crib to calm her. It seemed to soothe her, but even though she appeared totally zonked out, she would start crying as soon as we stopped. What to do?

So, okay, I’m a smart guy. I decided that I’ll pat her bum--but I’ll start out firm. Then I will s-l-o-w-l-y pat her lighter and lighter, until I’m barely touching her, then she won’t notice when I stop…. Whaaa!

Okay, maybe I was impatient and slowed my pace too quickly. So, the next time I bent over the crib with my forehead resting on the rail, blindly patting. PAT,PAT,PAT, then Pat-Pat-Pat, then paat—paat—paat, then and paaat---paaat---paaat, barely touching her. I then stopped for a moment. Then another paaat---paaat---paaat, assuming I could confuse her timing mechanism for expecting pats.

I stopped patting again…and patiently waited. QUIET! I raised my head off the rail--I’m sure I had a red mark on my forehead--and thought, with possibly a little smirk of pride, that I had done it! But I waited a little longer. Easier to resume patting a half-asleep kid than to start over with a screaming one.

I must have stood there over three minutes, making sure April was sound asleep. Too many nights Kathy and I had not gotten the rest we needed. Since I was often gone a week at a time while I was on alert duty in the Air Force, I felt it was my turn to get her to sleep when I was home. So did Kathy!

Well, April was breathing in a nice deep rhythm. My weary body was imagining the coziness of the fetal position I would soon be in! With a fluffy pillow and warm blanket! It was time to s-l-o-w-l-y walk out of her room.

Now I had been through this before, and I knew the creaks in the floor. Those creaks that you never notice during the day but sound like a Gabriel’s trumpet in the quiet of the night! She had been awakened by these creaks before. The loudest creak was about four slats from the doorway. I would stay away from that slat the same way I would stay away from rattlesnake on a hiking trail!

To get to the hallway was my goal! It was about four tippy-toe steps away. But with that creaky slat in my path, I would take three small tippy-toes, then one big one over the slat from Hell! My first tippy made a small creaky noise. I froze! She still slept. I took another tippy, all okay. The third tippy and I was getting slightly delirious with relief. Now the big tippy, over the fourth slat from the doorway. I reached for the wall to steady myself. No way did I want to lose balance and make a noise of any kind.

One last balanced tippy-toe step and I was free! In the hallway, I was making the same motion with my arm that a locomotive engineer makes when he pulls the rope to blare his horn. I went to the bathroom but I didn’t flush--too risky. I crawled in bed and it was Shangri-La! I fluffed up my pillow, closed my eyes and then……Whaaaa- whaaaaaa! Ten minutes later, still wailing!

This is how kids are! They have no sympathy for you and they never give you a break. They know the sound of a hard candy wrapper from the next room. They can see the look in your eyes when you are trying to hide something. You can’t whisper low enough when you’re talking about something fun or tasty; and you can’t talk loud enough when you want them to stop doing something. Finding tempting hidden treats is just child’s play to them. But they can’t find their shoes! Its normal behavior and you will live through it.

Every mom and dad has a story like this. I’m sure as experienced parents read this, their heads nodded up and down. Yep!

But WOW! April has paid us back a million times over with her accomplishments, her love, her notes of thanks, and the beautiful grandchildren she gave us! Each of our three children gave us challenges, but every challenge we faced with each child has brought us rewards beyond our comprehension.

So go forth young parents! Do your duty and you will get your rewards! They seem to come slowly at times but patience will be rewarded! It’s a lot of fun if you do things right!

PS. We stopped that ‘patting them to sleep’ thing with our second child!

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Things You Rarely Hear

11/22/2021

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In these "things you rarely hear", there is some humor (hopefully), but they also have "things to think about.". Here are a few lines I assume you are not likely to hear very often - although quite a few people live within these circumstances.

It’s all about wisdom, listening, learning, and choices folks.

* * *

Hey, if your friends are doing it, it must be okay.
I’ve learned so much in my safe place!
I wish I had a good reason to be on Dr. Phil’s show.
If only I had quit school earlier.
Getting my girlfriend pregnant opened so many doors.
I learned a lot about life watching the Kardashians.
My parents made me too independent.
Being a teen parent is so much better than hanging out with friends.
I never knew 'one night stands' could be so fulfilling.
No dear, you hold the remote.
Personal hygiene is so overrated.
I just LOVE living with my parents.
Yes, I find Birkenstocks very sexy!
I found my best friends through sexting.
My kids never liked being read to.
Heroin made my life so much easier.
If I had it to do over again, I would.
Those nicotine stains give you character.
I do love rhubarb.
Knowing my kids’ friends never was a good idea.
Hey, did you enjoy your overdose as much as I enjoyed mine?
What an awesome shopping cart! Where did you find it?
My dad knows so much more than me.
My kids think I’m too easy on them.
I wish there weren’t so many parks!
My wife hates jewelry.
I try not be consistent. It's too predictable.
Where can I buy that T-shirt? It’s so clever!
My kids love finding those little needles on the sidewalk.
That book, The Power of Dadhood, was terrible! *

Michael Byron Smith, Helping Fathers to be Dads Blog
* I'm crossing my fingers on this last one!

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The Surprising Thing About Being a Father

3/23/2020

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With my daughter Rachel 12 years ago.

Success is wonderful and so satisfying, and most of us all strive for it. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and success doesn’t always come easily. One of the toughest, yet least prepared for, responsibilities in the world is parenting. We all fail at times. But just remember that failure means you care; while giving up means you don’t care. Your natural abilities have nothing to do with either.

That’s the surprising thing about being a father. You may not know how to change a diaper or say the right things at the right time. You may not be naturally funny or know how to talk to a kid comfortably. Your walls may not be adorned with awards and degrees. Athletic activities may not come naturally to you, or you can’t string two words together that make sense. None of those talents will make you a good father. I don’t deny that any of them can and do help, but they are the adornments. Here’s what is real!

Imagine a barely literate father, holding his toddler on his lap reading, in a halted manner, a children’s book. That’s a real dad! That’s Dadhood at its best.
A father may never change a diaper or get his kids off to school in the morning. He may be an over-the-road truck driver or has long hours as a store owner or a doctor. Maybe he just can’t handle the duty. Sure, that may be a weakness, but it doesn’t define his parenting. His eyes and heart do that.
Words may escape a father, but the right look or a hug can say everything! That’s Dadhood!
Humor is an excellent quality in parenting, but humor doesn’t necessarily mean funny. As much as anything, humor is an attempt to relieve tension. Trying and failing to be funny can be humorous. Dad’s do that a lot. It makes them real!
A saw a dad playing catch with his son in a park. The dad was so awkward at throwing; you could see he never played a sport. I was so proud of this dad! He was trying!
Not every father can or will write a letter or even a decent, loving text to their son or daughter. Many fathers seldom do. But here are two words you can string together, “I care!” You can stretch yourself and string three words together, “I love you!” How about four, “How are you doing?” Real dads do these things, and they don’t have to be Shakespeare.

The surprising thing about being a father is failure becomes irrelevant when he cares. His caring will make up for his shortcomings somehow. A father that gives up trying to be a real dad is a real failure, no matter how funny he is or how fast he can throw a ball or how smart he may be. Children may notice your talents, but they feel your caring nature. That realization and knowing it in your heart will grease the skids for a wonderful Dadhood! The #powerofdadhood is life-changing in the most literal sense!

Search #powerofdadhood on Twitter or Facebook for more.

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“What, Me Worry?”

2/17/2020

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Alfred E. Neuman of "MAD Magazine"

The title is a quote from the fictional character, Alfred E. Neuman of MAD Magazine, characterized as a young man who you may assume, by his looks, was too dumb to worry. While I believe the ignorance of some things will keep you from worry, ignorance will also cause you to worry.

My wife, Kathy, asked me the other day, “What do you worry about?” She asked out of exasperation because she feels she has the burden of worry while I get off scot-free. That’s not fair in her mind. Well, it may not be fair - but that’s not my fault. Worry is an affliction that is allowed to happen.

I was not born immune to worry. I just got over it years ago because I had to change. As a kid, I worried about everything, and there was a lot to worry about. I worried about my father’s alcoholism, about our bills being paid, about school issues, about my parents when they argued, and about the bullies that lay in wait. As the oldest of six, I worried about my siblings and what they were getting into. My siblings, on the other hand, never seemed to worry about anything – so I knew what Kathy was thinking.

I didn’t get over my worry sickness until I was in my thirties. It took a severe case of unnecessary burdens and misplaced apprehension to bring me to the point of actually analyzing it. It’s all very simple, really, and I’ll get into that a bit - being a total layman. What is not simple is accepting the idea of not worrying, even more difficult for those who have naturally occurring anxiety issues, confidence issues, etc. However, I ask you remaining worriers to think about a few things.

One of the most important facts to consider is this essential point. Practicing suffering (in your imagination) will never ease any conceivable actual suffering! So why do it? You can place yourself or a loved one in the most horrible of imagined situations and some suffering will come. But that is not preparation, that’s insanity! Why would you do that to yourself? Would you ever hit yourself in the head with a hammer to see if you could live through it? If you did, and you survived, you would find that, 1) it’s never going to happen anyway and, 2) if it did, it would hurt just as much as the first time. Practice does not make perfect when it comes to suffering. It will not be easier for you.

If you are afraid of your child learning to drive because you worry about them being in an accident, those imaginations will not stop an accident from occurring. A better word than ‘worry’ is ‘concern.’ While a ‘worried’ person thinks of ‘bad’ things happening, a ‘concerned’ person thinks of ‘good’ things that will prevent those terrible things. Good things to do in this example is to demand the use of seat belts, having rules to follow when driving, certainly no drinking or texting, a driving safety course, etc. If you can do something about something that troubles you, do it! If not, let it pass on through and out of your consciousness.

Worry is frightening and exhausting while concern is being alert, resulting in preventive action. Remember that sentence when your child is sick or being bullied on the internet. The bulk of Kathy’s worries are regarding our grandchildren. The bulk of my concerns are regarding my grandchildren. Neither her worries nor my concerns involve anything that can’t be overcome by any of them. We’re just being grandparents. The difference is my concerns are addressed while Kathy’s worries keep her awake. As I wrote in “The Power of Dadhood’- “Prevention is easier than correction!” Concern, put it action, is prevention.

Some good quotes on ‘Worry’:

“Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything; it just messes with your mind and steals your happiness.”
“99% of the things you worry about don’t even happen.”
“The less you worry, the less complicated life becomes.”
“If the cost of worry is your peace, then it’s too expensive.”

The quotes above (and many versions thereof) are all anonymous. The reason for that, I believe, is because they are accurate and said by many wise people. We may be surprised by how many others would trade their troubles for ours. We look up because of envy, forgetting that others envy us.

What if?

So, you say to me, “I was worried about something, and it happened!” But what of it? Maybe you thought and worried enough for it to come about. Perhaps you should have taken action because of concern, but worry paralyzed you. Would the incident have happened without your worries? Most likely! Another word we should use in place of worry when appropriate is sorrow. When bad things do happen, worry did not prevent it or make it easier. Sorrow shouldn’t be wasted on worry; worry should be minimized as much as possible

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A Six-Year-Old Christmas on Steroids!

12/16/2019

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What kid doesn’t like Christmas? My four grandchildren certainly do, but I have a 6-year-old grandson, Ryan, who is crazy for the Christmas SEASON! Yes, I said season! He started his celebration on or before November 14th when he serenaded me on his toy guitar, singing Christmas tunes (see video below). The Thanksgiving turkey was still warm when his excitement accelerated faster than my Tesla. He was ready for the decorations, Christmas Specials, snow, music, and especially the spirit of it all. His grandmother, charged up with his enthusiasm, decided to invite Ryan and his 4-year-old sister Juliette to help us put up our tree – way too soon for my liking. They came over, dressed in Christmas jammies with Ryan donning a Santa hat.

As Christmas music played in the background, Ryan and Juliette decorated the bottom third of the tree. Then, Ryan noticed the imbalance and brought a stepladder over, whistling and swinging his head back and forth, shoulder to shoulder to “One Horse Open Sleigh.” Kathy (grandma) laid a Christmas cover at the bottom of the tree, and Ryan exclaimed, “That’s a new one, Yady! (Kathy’s grandma name – long story). I remember last year it was a green one with gold trim.” Indeed, he was correct. I would never have noticed. They slept over and spent the night watching Christmas shows on Netflix and slept with red and green lights on dim.

Of course, their Christmas tree had not yet been decorated, so Ryan and Juliette begged their parents to put it up. The next time we went to his house Ryan, with a big reveal, showing it all with pride, bouncing up and down on his toes as he gave us the grand tour, grinning from ear to ear. It was beautiful, decked out with their favorite ornaments hung with care with only one or two ornaments having fallen. Their tree even rotates, and below is a train that circles with smoke and a whistle, operated by – guess who? One day after school, Ryan wrote a six page book entitled, “How to Decorate a Christmas Tree” – self illustrated!

On our annual Cookie Day, their cousins, Malia and Rosemary, joined Ryan and Juliette - all wearing holiday pajamas. More Christmas music, Ryan dancing to “Jingle Bell Rock,” and all decorating cookies. My two daughters and their husbands had holiday parties to go to that evening, and all four kids stayed overnight. It was a long day! The kids were all into the Christmas spirit and I wondered, “Do they know there are three more weeks to go?”

That night we watched the movie, “Elf” and the kids laughed with glee at the huge elf trying to take a shower in the elf-size shower. Kathy had gifts for them to open, ornaments from Europe where we had just traveled, slippers and more PJs, holiday-themed, of course. Already, presents! Ryan bragged about how many places there would be for him to open presents. He counted five locations, which included our farmhouse, where the entire family celebrates Christmas Eve. I told him I was lucky if I ever had five presents to open, forget five locations! Every year Ryan makes sure we play Christmas Bingo at the farmhouse (B-elf, G-Christmas Wreath, O-ornament, etc.), and the winner gets a “Dollar Store” present. All the kids love it!

Kathy and I watch Ryan and Juliette before school on Tuesdays and Thursdays. One morning they were so excited to show us what they had in their rooms! Their parents had bought each of them a four-foot Christmas tree. They had decorated them to their particular tastes and couldn’t wait to show them off. Two days later, when we went back, Ryan had set up an Alexa Echo under his tree and would listen to Christmas music each morning as he got dressed – and more Christmas music when he got home. Yady helped the kids to make a Christmas chain out of red and green construction paper, starting with 22 links. I was a bit surprised they had waited this long. Every day Ryan wears a red shirt to school to celebrate the season. Yady spoiled him with two more new red shirts to augment his wardrobe.

Ryan and Juliette couldn’t wait for Cha-Cha to show up. That’s their name for their ‘Elf on a Shelf.’ Now, when we come in the mornings, Ryan and Juliette race to show us where they found him that morning. Ryan pretends he’s an Elf with the name ‘Elmo’ and Juliette’s (4 yrs) is ‘Chuck E. Cheese’. Ryan even has a sign on his bedroom door announcing whether the Elf is ‘in’ or ‘out’.

They got to see Santa a couple of days ago - major highlight! Christmas morning will be ‘Crazyville’! Now mind you; there are nine more days before Christmas Day. Remember how long nine days were when you were a kid? Ryan seems to not care for the wait; after all, the SEASON will be over, and what fun is that?

His birthday is New Years’ Day. His parents are so happy it’s only a week of anticipation!

Merry Christmas!
Oh, and don’t forget to check out Ryan’s singing, below!

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Twelve Days of Christmas with My Good Wife : )

12/9/2019

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Our 2019 Christmas

The Smith Christmas Tree

I love Christmas! Let me be specific; I love Christmas Day! The days leading up to Christmas can be a bit tense and exhausting for both my wife, Kathy, and me, but for different reasons. At Christmastime, she is the lead reindeer. I, as the reindeer behind the lead, find myself in an unfortunate position!

Kathy does most of the work for Christmas. It’s true! She does ALL the shopping, and that’s fine with me. I can’t be trusted to find what’s on sale, and coupons are so much work. I can’t even shop for her. My record of buying what she really likes is around 1 for 132. She also doesn't like my fallback gift, gift certificates.

Kathy truly does almost all the wrapping too. I’ve been told I waste too much wrapping paper. I try to explain that an extra 1” by 30” strip of wrapping paper bought at the Dollar Store isn’t going to wipe out our savings. Trying to follow Kathy’s wrapping rules, I always seem to come up 1/8” short when I pull the paper to the top of the box. Then I have to re-purpose that wrapping paper on a smaller present. And I’m kind of sloppy with my wrapping. Oh, and I learned long ago never to put tape on the box – just the paper.

We have every Sears, Kohl’s, Target, and Marshall's box we ever brought home. They fall from the top shelf of our utility room closet every time I open it. You never want to run out of boxes for presents; any day they could stop giving them out for free. BTW, the tape can tear those boxes making them almost throwaway-able.

We let our grand kids decorate one on our four trees. At 11, 6, 6, and 4 years of age, most ornaments end up on the bottom half of our eight-foot tree. The younger three kids don’t have the spacing thing down - four ornaments on one branch, and none on others. After they go home, I ‘get to’ re-arrange them.

Lights! I hate them! I refused to put them up outside a few years ago. Bah humbug! It’s just that they don’t cooperate with me. In past years, I actually cried when they would only work inside when I checked them, but not when I put them back outside. Even the tree’s dark spots have to be filled in with new lights each year on our pre-lit tree. Kathy places a few lights outside while she curses me under her breath. But I always end up out there fixing them, yet again, anyway!

With that introduction, here is my ode to Christmas with my good wife, borrowing the 12-Days theme.

12 Days of Christmas with My Good Wife!

On the first day of Christmas, my good wife said to me,
“Please bring all four* Christmas trees upstairs” Here we go!

On the second day of Christmas, my good wife said to me,
“Put (rearrange) the ornaments on the tree, would you.” Notice the lack of a question mark.

On the third day of Christmas, my good wife said to me,
“Find an extension cord.” Never where we think they are!

On the fourth day of Christmas, my good wife said to me,
“‘Help me’ put up the Christmas lights.” HA!

On the fifth day of Christmas, my good wife said to me,
“Please…fix - the - lights!” (again)

On the sixth day of Christmas, my good wife said to me,
“Put up Christmas Village.” all 12 houses, tiny people, props, and fake snow.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my good wife said to me,
“Check the cookies before they burn.” I eat 5 of them.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my good wife said to me,
“Go get the wrapping paper.” Last years' , behind 5 suitcases, four boxes, and 2 large trash bags of something.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my good wife said to me,
“Help me wrap the presents.” Later she says…”Nevermind!”

On the tenth day of Christmas, my good wife said to me,
“Find the ‘To-From” stickers. You moved them." (I didn't)

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my good wife said to me,
“Go buy some egg nog and a wreath.” Or something - each day.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my good wife said to me,
“Do I have to do everything?!”

Merry Christmas!!

Note: Kathy rarely reads my blogs, so please don’t tell her about this one, even though I’m exaggerating - a little! : )

* 3 are smaller trees

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36 Quick Suggestions for Your 2024 Attitude

A Rookie Dad Story (It wasn't funny, then)

Things You Rarely Hear

The Surprising Thing About Being a Father

“What, Me Worry?”

A Six-Year-Old Christmas on Steroids!

Twelve Days of Christmas with My Good Wife : )

Archives

Categories

36 Quick Suggestions for Your 2024 Attitude

A Rookie Dad Story (It wasn't funny, then)

​Things You Rarely Hear

The Surprising Thing About Being a Father

“What, Me Worry?”

A Six-Year-Old Christmas on Steroids!

​Twelve Days of Christmas with My Good Wife : )

Archives

Categories

Things You Rarely Hear

Twelve Days of Christmas with My Good Wife : )