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"My Dad, He's Thinking of Me"

8/29/2016

When my son, Mike, was in preschool, his teacher asked him and the other kids to draw a picture. Mike drew a large head with a small head next to it. The teacher asked him what the picture was about. Mike explained that the large head was his dad thinking about him- the smaller head, Mike himself, representing my thoughts of him.

This really touched me when I first saw it almost thirty-five years ago. It told me how important it was to Mike that I cared about him. Like all little boys and girls, the need to be loved is insatiable. His picture was the seed that grew into a book about fatherhood by a man who had never published anything more than a letter to the editor. I even included Mike's drawing on the first page of the resulting book, “The Power of Dadhood”!

My son Mike and me about the time of his drawing

Mike’s drawing tells us more about the importance of fatherhood than all the words in the book it introduces. Parenting isn’t just about fulfilling a responsibility; it’s about nurturing a human life to be as healthy, successful, and happy as possible. If the father is not part of the parenting, the child and society suffer.

While Mike's drawing is very special to me, it's not unusual. Kids are always surprising us with things they express that show love and emotion. It's a peek into their hearts and we mustn't ignore what they are wanting.

A quote from my book states, "Love, to a child, is an irresistible need to be unconditionally wanted."

Imagine what it is like for a child not to have that need fulfilled! What does it do to his or her confidence and self-worth? Imagine being a father that doesn't provide that love. I cannot!

There is a continuum of fatherly behavior from abusive, to absent, to merely present, to involved, to loving, to passive nurturing, to active nurturing. The good things fathers do for their children starts at being present and grows exponentially from there. Yet, not many fathers consciously work to improve from one level to the next. Fathers, there are places to go to find where you stand and how to improve. Take time to improve the most important role you will ever have!

Here are two past articles that may help, not to mention my book itself. Click on both!

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Flabbergasting Fathering Facts to Fathom

8/21/2016

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“To tolerate the trend of fatherlessness is to accept the inevitability of continued societal recession.”

—David Blankenhorn, Fatherless America

On pages 35-37 of my book, “The Power of Dadhood – How to Become the Father Your Child Needs” are ‘The Facts’ which support why I wrote the book and why I think it is important for every father to read, even the very good fathers.

I started writing Dadhood not knowing the facts. I just knew what I had seen as a child, father, and grandfather and realized that fathering was crucial to the quality of a child's life. Upon researching, I found that what my siblings and I had gone through as the children, of an inept and frequently absent father - and the resulting issues that arose, were not unusual.

The very sad facts regarding what can occur without a loving father in the home are indeed flabbergasting. In America, 24,350,000 children (33.5%) live absent their biological father. Certainly, most of us would not be surprised that it is not good to be raised without positive fatherly influence, but I doubt most people realize just how devastating it is!

Every year, the National Fatherhood Initiative (www.fatherhood.org) publishes a book called "Father Facts" in which they update the data, obtained from various sources, that summarizes the trends and consequences of father absence and positive effects of father presence. The facts below are all taken from Father Facts where you can find the original source of each data. When discussing single-parent homes, 83% of the time the single parent is the mother.

Poverty

Children in father-absent homes are five times more likely to be poor.
In 2002, 5.3 percent of married couples were poor, compared to 26.5% of mother-only families.
In large US cities, 45 percent of unmarried mothers are poor.

Out-of-Wedlock Childbearing

Daughters of adolescent moms are 83% more likely to become teen mothers themselves.
88 percent of women who had children out-of-wedlock and did not finish high school are living in poverty.
Teens without fathers were twice as likely to be involved in early sexual activity and seven times more likely to get pregnant as an adolescent.
Women in fatherless homes are over six times more likely to become teenage mothers.

Violence/ Crime

Children from fatherless homes are 10.8 times more likely to commit rape.
Almost half of jail inmates had a previously incarcerated family member. They typically grew up in a single parent home.
70 percent of juveniles in long-term, state-operated institutions come from single-parent homes.
A 19-year study found that as a country’s out-of-wedlock pregnancies increased, the country’s murder rates increased as well.

Abuse

Compared to living with both parents, living in a single-parent home
- Doubles the risk that a child will suffer physical, emotional, or educational neglect.
- Increases the risk of being harmed by physical neglect by 87%
- Increases the chance of suffering from emotional neglect by 74%
90 percent of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes.

Drug and Alcohol Abuse

Adolescents not living with both parents are 50% to 150% more likely to use or be dependent on substances.
75 percent of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes.

Education

“One father is more than a hundred school masters.”
~ 17th Century English Proverb

71 percent of high school drop outs come from fatherless homes.
Students living in father-absent homes are twice as likely to repeat a grade in school.

Summary

These stats just scratch the surface. They tell us that families, children, and society would be immensely better off if more fathers were in the home. When these fathers are also positively engaged the results are even better. We know that, but do we really understand the impacts? . We see boys staying away from violence, girls having much higher self-esteem, and families that can be supportive of each other and not dependent on social welfare. The social issues of the world would be minimized with this simple solution, find ways to educate young men and women on the values, importance, and responsibilities of parenting. The cycle can only end by caring, mentoring, and true attention to the real problem (fatherless homes), not pouring money into the results of the problem.

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A Letter to My Future Grandson

8/12/2016

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Ryan and me taking a walk in the woods.

"The greatest dreams on Earth
I trust to you my child.
You are the seed of humankind,
the hope, the future of the world."

Tran Duc Uyen, from "A Letter to My Future Child"

. . . . . . . .

Recently, my wife and I downsized to another home. It's amazing how much you collect over twenty-seven years! We found things we had forgotten or didn't know we ever had. A purge was necessary and we did get rid of a boatload, but we needed a bigger boat.

One thing I found while packing was a letter I had written to my yet unborn grandson in 2012. He would be my second grandchild and first grandson and I felt compelled to write something with thoughts of giving it to him in the future. I don't think I shared this letter with anyone, but I decided to share it here because of the message in the last paragraph. It's a message all parents and grandparents should pass on to their children because all kids need encouragement. They need cheerleaders, mentors, and the knowledge that someone cares for them and their success. It does make a difference!

The Letter

Training Ryan to be a Cardinal fan, as promised.

Ryan was born on
New Year's Day, 2013

Ryan and me today!

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The Simple Things in Life

8/8/2016

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I believe the simple things in life are the most satisfying and the most honest.

A smile is easy. Getting one back is satisfying and powerful.
It’s a simple thing to say hello to a stranger or meet their eye and nod.
When a neighbor needs a helping hand, or a friend needs to be consoled, the answer to their needs is simple, you do whatever you can.
Giving of yourself and expecting nothing in return, will open the door to the goodness we find in others.
It may not be easy for all of us to bend down to look into the eyes of a child, but the idea of meeting them at their level is a simple one, one that shows empathy and understanding.
Let a fellow driver merge into traffic. Fix the flat tire for a mom with three kids in the car. Take your mom to lunch. Open the door for others. All simple and satisfying.
It is always a good deed to allow someone with just bread and milk to check out ahead of you and your three carts full of groceries.
When the effort is there, but the result is not, a pat on the back will mean quite a lot.
Simple in concept but often difficult to do is to really listen when someone talks to you.
Mentoring a child may not be so simple for you, but it is simply one of the most important things you will ever do!

These examples are all simple, but when is the last time you actually did some or any of these things? ‘Simple’ is best. Simple is easy to remember, easy to teach, and easy to do. Whenever you are confused about what to do regarding any issue, the simplest answer is usually the best. Children understand simple concepts. Simple lessons do not confuse them nor is the message lost on them.

As a parent, simple things are hugs, praise, yes or no, clear rules for behavior, and smiles. Being a parent is not simple. We know that. But using simple concepts of parenting will help enormously! So will being a good example to your children by performing acts similar to those above. Most of the mentoring you will do, as I call it in my book, is “parental osmosis”. Here is a quote from, The Power of Dadhood, How to Become the Father Your Child Needs.

"One thing you need not worry about—it will happen with certainty—is this: your children will learn from you. They learn in two ways: First, they learn by what you point out to them that they may never see on their own. I call this parenting. Second, they observe and mimic you. I call this as parental osmosis."

In summary, you can talk and preach all you want, but it is not simple to overcome what kids learn from parental osmosis. What is simple! Do good and you teach ‘good’. Be kind and you teach ‘kind’. Be fair and you teach ‘fair’. Have integrity and you will teach ‘integrity’.

Be the person you want your children to be. Now that is simple (in concept)!

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Children Thrive on Experiences...and Balance!

8/1/2016

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Do you know what your children need? First of all, they need their mom and dad.

Children need so much in the way of guidance. In the absence of guidance, they miss those important experiences never introduced to them. Or, they are left to their own interpretation of the things they do experience.

Kids also need balance when it comes to experiences! But what kind? There is static balance and dynamic balance. Static balance is the numbness of existence. A bored child slumped in a chair is in physical balance but mental imbalance. An active child may fall while running or fail while trying in seeming imbalance, but they are in the dynamic balance of experience, resulting in constant mental growth.

The right experiences are vital in finding the right balance of learning. One child may be exposed to nature and find a love for it while another may be exposed to violence and become numbed by it. Children that come from violent neighborhoods have experiences resulting in extreme unbalance. So do children from extremely overprotective families. The only differences are the consequences.

In the beginning of one’s life, experiences are influenced almost entirely by the family environment or the lack of one. Because of this, some children have tremendous advantages or disadvantages over others. Children need a broad range of experiences to thrive because static balance can be boring! It is boring when there are no choices; or boring when a mind has little to pull from to support their imagination; or boring when they have few positive influences or mentors. Those that have little exposure to the world around them become disinterested in learning about it.

If one always lives in the light, they will be afraid of the dark. If one never looks up, they will miss the clouds and stars. You may love the beach until you find the mountains. An Eskimo may think 45 degrees is warm while in the Congo one would shiver at 70 degrees. But when one experiences the dark, their fear recedes. When one looks up, it will give new depth to their existence. Travel and conversation will teach one that perceived extremes of any kind are relative to your familiarity of the topic, and can be changed.

This brings me back to families. A child will prosper when he or she has different viewpoints allowing for choices and thought. They will prosper when they are exposed to more things, opinions, and places. This exists naturally in most families by having both a mother and father in the home! A male and a female, a father and a mother, are the perfect yin and yang. Kids need interaction from both because they learn different things in different ways from both. A mom and a dad are true opposites that allow for balance.

Only true opposites can create a dynamic balance. Balance that comes from a lack of input is static and stifling. For instance, a rubber ball lying in the gutter is in balance, but it is boring. A rubber ball bouncing off the wall is also in balance. It is balancing momentum, gravity, the density of the ball, and force of our throw, all placing the ball in different positions of balance at different times as the inputs change! Much more exciting!

A child living with only their mother, or only their father, will need a way of balancing the yin with yang. In other words, a boy needs a masculine model and a girl needs to know how to be treated by a man. A girl also needs a role model and a boy needs the calming influence of a mother. While there may be a dominant parent, both parents need to be involved in raising their children. When trouble exists between the parents the children should neither be ignored, nor held as bargaining chips. They still need positive, dynamic, and safe experiences to thrive.

Always think of your children first!

Oh, one more thing. Buy my book, "The Power of Dadhood"! It will help you with the balance you need. I will reimburse you if it doesn't help! Just write your request to me at [email protected].

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"My Dad, He's Thinking of Me"

Flabbergasting Fathering Facts to Fathom

A Letter to My Future ﻿Grandson

​The Simple Things in Life

Children Thrive on Experiences...and Balance!

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A Letter to My Future Grandson

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