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When Should the Few Disrupt the Many?

1/14/2022

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Have you heard of families that have to go to two or three different fast-food restaurants because not everyone in the family wants the same food? Let’s say you’re traveling by car and want to get some lunch. You all decide on Taco Bell, but little Freddie wants a Happy Meal at McDonalds. Do you go to both restaurants in the name of being an accommodating parent? Maybe, if McDonalds is next door. But there isn’t one at this exit (surprise!) so you travel two exits down to get the Happy Meal. Sometimes, this is okay. But if you always do this to satisfy their whims, you might create a monster.

In my last blog post, I discussed life not being fair. I’d like to continue along that theme. The question here is why should a large majority give up their needs to satisfy a small minority, and when? The short answer, I believe, has to do with reasonable rights. As a country, I believe the Founding Fathers did a good job in this area, balancing the needs of all. That’s why we have a House of Representatives (representing the many) and a Senate (protecting the few) which check and balance each other.
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Getting back to the family, if one member requests something different from everyone else, they have that right - IF specific reasons or needs exist. It could be they have allergies, diet needs, or a true revulsion (a rarity). If, however, they are only in a mood for something different, it’s not right to bear upon everyone else. There is something for Little Freddie at Taco Bell. He’s eaten there before.

Now let us go from a family level to a societal level. When should small groups impact much larger groups of citizenry in a negative or troublesome way? Again, it depends on rights and who defines those rights. The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) is a perfect example of a much smaller group of citizens causing a large group of citizens to be affected for the needs of that smaller group. The impacts are small in some ways, large in others, such as building requirements, heavy costs. But it is the right thing to do, and few would argue that point.

In the last few years, however, small, organized and unorganized groups are causing serious disruptions to the many that may not be necessary. I say ‘may not be necessary’ allowing for reasons yet unknown to me. I will mention a few.
  1. There has been a large cry by a few to defund the police. The few get satisfaction for real and perceived police misconduct. The many lose important community needs for safety, and increased crime.
  2. There have been sexually explicit books allowed in many elementary schools. For the few, this liberates certain lifestyle choices. For the many, children have been exposed to pornographic language and depictions before they or their parents are ready to touch upon a sensitive topic in the way they choose.
  3. The Black Lives Matter organization wants to tear down the idea of the nuclear family. The few get something from this for what I’m truly unsure. Of course, we know all families cannot be nuclear. The many are impacted by the real statistics that show more poverty, drugs, crime, and teen mothers occurring in non-nuclear families. Certainly, some non-nuclear families are very successful.
  4. Many District Attorneys in major cities are not prosecuting crimes. The few are claiming this is necessary for equity, protecting criminals’ rights. The many are impacted by higher crime, more expensive insurance, and a greater exposure of highly unethical acts to foul a neighborhood, culture, and society.
  5. A culture exists of canceling the free speech and activities with whom a few disagree. For these few, they are gaining leverage in their ideals. For the many, free speech is being restricted in US and some are losing rights and an their chosen way of living.
  6. Biological males who identify as female are being allowed in women’s restrooms and also competing physically with biological females. For the few, they are living a lifestyle more comfortable for them. For the many, this is uncomfortable, embarrassing, and intrusive. Or, in sports, this philosophy takes away recognition for truly outstanding physical performances by biological women.
  7. There has even recently been some defense of pedophiles! One Harvard professor says the term, 'pedophile' should be replaced with ‘minor-attracted person’. A recent reference in USA Today, since retracted, defended pedophiles as not always being active, and that non-podophiles defile children too, etc. For the few who have some sympathy for the sickness of pedophilia, they assume some necessary awareness, and seek societal help. For the majority, nothing is more important than protecting their children from predators!
These are examples of the few who impact, or affect, the many in ways that hurt the majority. Is there a ‘right’ to defund the police? Is there a ‘right’ to place books of explicit sexual activity in elementary schools? Is there a ‘right’ to eliminate or downplay nuclear families? Is there a ‘right’ of criminals not to be prosecuted? I know there is a right to free speech! Is there a ‘right’ for biological males to enter a women’s restroom? Maybe they have a right to their own restroom, but do the many have to pay for it? And no one has a right to hurt a child, but a pedophile has a ‘right’ to get help from a professional!

While I have my thoughts on this, and the right to say them, you may have different thoughts, and you are welcome to them. But we should consider with much discussion when a few can have leverage over the many when no specific rights are violated. The few may feel this is not fair, and they may be right. But life is not fair! When choices must be made that are not fair, the edge should go to the majority, especially when rights are not being violated
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Notes and Quotes for Dads

10/12/2020

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My father was not a good father. I learned much about fathering by watching him and, when I became a dad myself, I tried to do every fatherly act he didn't do.

​I still loved him and longed for his attention as a boy. Knowing the magnitude and impact of the loss of fatherly advice, guidance, and simple attention, I wrote notes and observations on fatherhood for my extended family. These observations became a book, "The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs."


I want to pull some lines from my book, giving you an idea of my passion for the importance of involved fathering. I'd then like to share some quotes on fathering from other authors, famous people, and great minds as further encouragement, hoping they will give depth and meaning you the most important role a man can have.


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                                                                               *   *   *
From: "The Power of Dadhood"

On a father's mission and attention:


"No man is a failure who has helped a child, especially his own. The greatest single gift a man can give his children is his attention. It seems so simple, but somehow it is lost in its simplicity. There is no excuse for not trying your best to be a good father. There are reasons, obstacles, and hardships, but no excuses."

On Helping Fathers to be Dads:

"While some men thrive naturally as fathers, there are too many who don't, and the results can be disastrous. We must not judge these men because we don't know what they've been through, how they were raised, or how they see things as a unique personality. But they could use a mentor, especially if their father was not there for them."

Learning from other dads:

"I learned so much from my father. I learned from him that I needed to get an education. I learned that people would judge me by my actions and react to me according to my attitude. I learned the importance of reliability and trust. These things I learned from him because he demonstrated how difficult life can be without them."

Impact on Society:

"Almost all of society's ills can be traced to people whose family lives were in turmoil. Often the turmoil started with an absent or uncaring father."

The Truth:

"You are the only true father your children will ever have, but you are not alone. Your children are waiting for you. Their mother is longing for your help. Society is cheering for your success. Fathers who are true Dads are always ready to talk to you."
 
Fatherhood quotes from authors, leaders, and great minds:
 
"But there's no substitute for a full-time dad. Dads who are fully engaged with their kids overwhelmingly tend to produce children who believe in themselves and live full lives." Tony Dungy
 
"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." Sigmund Freud
 
"As an educator, I've seen the positive influence that fathers have on their children." Nicoline Ambe, Being Dad
 
"My dad encouraged us to fail. Growing up, he would ask us what we failed at that week. If we didn't have something, he would be disappointed. It changed my mindset at an early age that failure is not the outcome, failure is not trying. Don't be afraid to fail." Sara Blakely
 
"When I was a kid, I used to imagine animals running under my bed. I told my dad, and he solved the problem quickly. He cut the legs off the bed." Lou Brock
 
"Being a father is about adaptation and about making the most of the opportunities that are given to you." Colin Adams, Parenting for New Dads
 
"A daughter needs a dad to be the standard against which she will judge all men." Gregory E. Lang
 
"Being a father is the most rewarding thing a man whose career has plateaued can do." Aristotle
 
"Being a father has been, without a doubt, my greatest source of achievement, pride and inspiration. Fatherhood has taught me about unconditional love, reinforced the importance of giving back and taught me how to be a better person." Naveen Jain
 
"Listen, there is no way any true man is going to let children live around him in his home and not discipline and teach, fight and mold them until they know all he knows. His goal is to make them better than he is. Being their friend is a distant second to this." Victor Devlin
 
"It is a wise father that know his own child." William Shakespeare
 
 "The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent." Frank Pittman
 
"Being a father means you have to think fast on your feet. You must be judicious, wise, brave, tender, and willing to put on a frilly hat and sit down to a pretend tea party." Matthew Buckley, Fatherhood: The Manliest Profession
 
"...that the most precious things a father can provide are time, attention, and love." Tim Russert, Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons
 
"Fatherly love is the act of giving your life for the sake of someone else's needs." Nate Dallas, Hacking Fatherhood: Preparing For Success in the Biggest Role of Your Life
 
"No amount of money can be paid for the relationship between a father and his sons and a father and his daughters." Willie Williams, 7 Steps to Parenting Power
 
"My father taught me that the only way you can make good at anything is to practice, and then practice some more." Pete Rose
 
"Studies show that when a baby, child, or teenager has a good father, that child will soar." Meg Meeker, MD
 
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." Mark Twain
 
"One of the greatest needs of this age is for responsible and committed fathers." Bishop Charles Edward Blake Sr.
 
Summary

Thank you for your interest in fatherhood, or 'Dadhood' as I like to call fatherhood with involvement, mentoring, nurturing, and demonstrating love.
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Dadhood = fatherhood + nurturing + demonstrated love
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​The Underappreciated Dad

8/10/2020

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Nobody appreciates daddy…Nobody ever says, “Hey, Daddy, Thanks for knocking out this rent!” Hey, Daddy, I sure love this hot water!” Hey, Daddy, it’s easy to read with all this light!”

Chris Rock, comedian

Before I begin, I considered the title, “The Underappreciated Breadwinner” to include moms. When parental roles are reversed, the circumstances mentioned by Chris Rock could certainly apply to mommies. But the memes have been established over decades, maybe centuries, and it still mostly true today - that dads are the primary breadwinner.

Kids don’t usually see their dads digging ditches, serving the public, pounding the streets, sitting in mind-numbing cubicles, or putting up with bosses and co-workers they can barely be around without exploding! Moms that work have many of the same issues, but males do have more occupations endangering their lives. A December 19, 2018 article in Forbes states, “Men (are) 10 Times More Likely Than Women to be Killed At Work”!

Kids, in most families, see their moms toil with their own eyes, while dads work in virtual anonymity. They see the efforts of their moms to feed, clothe, transport, support, fix “owies,” and clean up messes, while dads get to ‘escape.’ Whoever makes dinner receives the credit, not the one that earned money to pay for the dinner. Granted, in many families, both parents work, and both cook the meals. In those families, only the cooking is appreciated by the children, not what got the meal on the table.

When dads are the sole income producing parent, they don’t do as much at home. But when they do  dads are often out of their element and
 can be categorized as dummies. Advertisers take advantage of this situation. A 2013 Clorox commercial stated, “Like dogs or other house pets, new Dads are filled with good intentions but lacking the judgment and fine motor skills to execute well.”

We see dads characterized as being confused as to how to use appliances or change a diaper. A Doritos Super Bowl commercial shows a father more interested in his snack than the ultrasound the wife and female doctor are examining. A United HealthCare commercial shows men acting sophomoric while their wives choose the best health care options for their families. Try making moms look stupid while the dads are behaving responsibly, and there would be rioting in the streets (a common practice these days) by some moms and feminists.

I think these commercials are entertaining and funny, but not balanced at all. As an adult, I can see the humor and not make judgments. Children, however, are being brainwashed unknowingly, forming opinions about which parent is smarter, or more caring.

TV is no better. Homer Simpson is funny as a self-absorbed buffoon, while Marge is the “grounding voice” of her crazy family. Raymond is a clueless and mildly caring father whose family is held together by wife Debra in “Everybody Loves Raymond.”  These categorizations are not uncommon. Thankfully, ‘Modern Family” reveals parents on both sides being occasionally irrational, but rarely would one see moms the sole targets of humor with wise dads correcting them. There are movies that celebrate fathers (“Parenting,” “It’s a Wonderful Life,” and “Mrs. Doubtfire” - although Robin Williams appears to be irresponsible). But there are hundreds of movies where dads are violent or abandon their families.

The most severe aspect of the uneven portrayal of men and women as parents is in the courts. When in doubt, the mother gets custody of their children. This decision makes sense when the standard is ‘what is best for the children?’ because kids are more accustomed to be with their mothers. But what about “Stay-at-Home” dads?

From FamilyLawRights.net

“In cases where a father has been an available, present, and competent parent, the “gender-neutral” rewriting of custody laws would suggest that the father should be awarded primary custody if joint custody is not an option. However, there is a question as to whether a lingering sense that mothers make better caregivers is causing more family court judges to award mothers primary custody.”

It’s true, parents, in general, are sometimes not appreciated by their children. Stay-at-home moms are underappreciated because their efforts are routine, resulting in kids becoming numb to just how much work she is doing for her family. However, breadwinner dads are underappreciated because their efforts are usually invisible and unknown to their children, and they are not in the home as often. These factors combined can give moms an advantage in appreciation and custody fights.

​Both parents should be treated fairly, if not by their children, then at least by society. Especially in the eyes of the law, entertainment, and consumer advertising! 

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The Greatest Reward!

11/25/2019

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​What is the greatest reward a man, who is also a father, can ever hope to receive? Well, I have my thoughts on that, and I will share them. But first, I have written a book and about 400 blog articles on parenting in the past eight years, most of which concern a father’s role. That doesn’t imply I’m an expert on the topic, but I do study and give it a lot of thought. What I do claim to be is a provocateur meaning I like to bring up thoughts on parenting allowing people give them more attention than they otherwise may have. My opinions are mine. I only hope for the reader to have a discussion in their head, with a co-parent, or someone else, about what I said. Parents should raise their children with purposeful and intelligent intent.

Parenting is not easy! It is such an enormous responsibility, yet you only have so much control. Most of that control comes in the first three years of your child’s life, falling off slowly, then very quickly. That's truly a good thing. It's a transition of power where the need for protection lessens and the need for growth and self empowerment for your child grows. It must take place. But that doesn’t mean you stop being a mom or dad. It does mean you have to be smart about what you say and do to be effective. The best way to be an intelligent parent is to listen, read, and have a good plan, for when you do so and follow it well, the rewards are incredible!

I asked a few dads with whom I have become familiar, to pass on to me some things their children have written to them on their birthdays, Father’s Day, or any day - particularly their older children. I like to share a few of these genuine and loving passages and imagine how these fathers may have reacted. I admit I shed a few tears reading them.


“Dad, what haven’t you taught me? How to throw a baseball, how to drive a car, or even how to mow the lawn. Most importantly, I learned things just by watching you. Things like how to treat people, what is important in life, and never give up.”

“Oh Papa, I adore everything about you!”

“Dad, you have taught me what it is like to be loved unconditionally! I can see that you love me through and through.”

“Dad, I remember us building snowmen together, coloring at my very own little table, our first trip to the zoo together, our walks and car rides!”

“I remember just spending time together – snuggling, reading, walking around the house in circles, playing with toys. My wish for myself is to always have lots of adventures, dates, and moments together. We make quite a team, don’t we?!”

“What I admire about you is your calm demeanor, your patience, your constant support, your modesty, your success, the father that you are!”

“Dad, here are some things you have taught me.
  • How to change my perspective and view the big picture
  • How to appreciate the beauty of things
  • That worry is wasted energy
  • What it feels like to be loved unconditionally”

“Dad, I remember I was washing the dishes after dinner – all of the sudden the music got louder – much louder. You pulled me from the sink, wet hands and all, and danced with me in the kitchen!”

“As a dad…you are such a steady, calm, loving presence in my life. You are always there when I need you. Always - for big things or when I just need a hug. Talking to you makes me feel better – loved, heard, understood, and valued.”

“You forgive my mistakes and perfections, and you celebrate my strengths. You don’t expect me to be perfect (even if I tend to expect that in myself). You are the best listener I know, and that has been a constant source of support my whole life.”
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“The older I get, the more I realize how rare it is for women to have strong, open, real relationships with their dads. I don’t take for granted our time together. I love hanging out with you, and I think the feeling is mutual." ​

These are very fortunate fathers, indeed. If they are anything like me, I’m confident they may have wondered if they really deserved the praise. But it is more important that their children believe it! I do know you don’t have to be a perfect person to be a loved father. We know that perfection is impossible, and our kids also know. Children want guidance so dearly, yet stealthily. They won’t come up to you and say, “Hit me up with some good advice and philosophy!” No, it is up to you to pick the right moments to say the right things – and to look for those moments. When you do, the greatest rewards will follow; and very important to know is not all of them will be written down or said out loud!

Good luck! 
​#powerofdadhood

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Don’t Miss a Chance to Say You’re Sorry

9/23/2019

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How many times have you heard a parent tell their child to say sorry to someone? Yet, how often do parents say sorry to anyone? I admit that I need to practice what I am about to write as much as anyone and more than others. But I think everyone has had difficulties in this area at one time or another. One of the most challenging things for any of us to do is to say, "I'm sorry", and to say it honestly. The reasons this is difficult are many! 
  • Maybe you don't think you were, or are, wrong
  • Perhaps you are angry enough not to care
  • It could be you are embarrassed
  • You don't want to open old wounds or possible ignite a renewed argument
  • Maybe you don't know how to say the words

Yes, the excuses are numerous. What we don't do is consider the positive aspects of saying, "I'm sorry", and there are many.
  • Often, a weight is lifted allowing you to move on
  • Your admission is a real sign of maturity
  • It takes away someone's anger towards you
  • It will enable openings for those you say sorry to you, returning the courtesy by your example
  • Even if you aren’t sure you were wrong, saying sorry conveys that you don't think a particular issue is worth having hard feelings

​Perhaps one of the reasons adults have a problem with saying they are sorry is because they never learned how or why to do so as children. Sure, when a child does something inappropriate to another, parents will tell them to "say you’re sorry", and most of the time their child will. Young children want to get out of trouble; they aren’t concerned about a weight being lifted and are not apt to act maturely, therefore, they need a nudge. As adults, we need to forget our childish ways and weigh the situation, apologizing if appropriate. But that doesn’t mean we should always apologize, because there are good reasons not to do so. For instance,
  • An apology is not in order when no wrong has taken place, even if someone else thinks so
  • A weak apology is like no apology
  • An insincere apology for deception is unethical and harmful

In a sappy movie from my youth, there was a line, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I never knew what that was supposed to mean. To me, love means saying you’re sorry, especially when you love someone you may have hurt. One of the most underused communication tools of mankind! Having said all this, I know I may pass up opportunities to say I’m sorry when I should. I’ve been there, and so have you. It is difficult. Maybe, however, having thought about it and writing it down means there is a better chance I will do the right thing in the future. I hope so! I know one thing, I’m not sorry for writing this, even if I fail sometimes because I may fail less.
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#Powerofdadhood #HelpingFatherstobeDads



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​A Manifesto on Citizenship for Our Youth

9/9/2019

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In a way, being born in the US is dangerous to your psyche. No, I’m not talking about the seven counties in the US where 90% of murders take place. (Studies show how murders in the United States are heavily concentrated in very small areas. Few appreciate how much of the US has no murders each year.  Murder isn’t a nationwide problem.  It’s a problem in a very small set of urban areas, and any solution must reduce those murders. Most of us are safe!) Nor am I talking about the San Andres Fault in the West, Tornado Alley of the Mid-West, or the Hurricanes on the East Coast. No, I’m talking about the virtual smugness of those citizens who do not know they are among the .0000001 percent (chose your number of leading zeroes) of the most fortunate of ALL the lives of previous generations in history - to now be living in today’s World and especially in the United States of America.

The danger lies in an inherited lack of appreciation (sometimes taught) of the good the United States and the World have painstakingly brought to all of us. It seems many, especially our youth, focus on our evils, past and present – and indeed they exist. We should never stop trying to make both our World and the US better - there is much work to do! But we need discovery and understanding of the past, and more balance in our views, before sounding off uninformed or too critical of the opinions of others.

In the Shoes of Others


It’s not just complacency that takes place in many of us; it extends into a lack of appreciation for the battles, verbal and physical, that influential citizens of the past have taken on at great expense to get to our standard of living today.  A great number of young people believe that America is evil because we once had slavery. Yes, slavery is awful and good citizens fought to rid us of that terrible injustice with great sacrifice. Some say we are a terrible country for not allowing women to vote until a few decades ago. True! Good citizens marched and got that changed. Or maybe we are an evil country for getting involved in the affairs of other countries - even when invited. Many mistakes occurred in this area, yet what would the world be like if China or Russia were the most powerful nation in the world? I believe that when the US made mistakes or had bad policies as a country, they were just that, not a means to take over the world. Where, after all, have we stayed to rule? Not Germany, Japan, Viet Nam, Iraq, etc.
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My point is the self-righteousness of those who forget what our ancestors have overcome. It’s straightforward, today, to say women should have the right to vote. It was not so easy at the turn of the century for reasons of historical factors and the traditions of the day. To end slavery, hundreds of thousands had to die, mostly those not under bondage of slavery. Think twice if you think we, in this softer generation, could have done better or got it done faster.

Think Before You Drink the Kool-Aid
 
 
I may be confusing you. On the one hand, I’m saying we don’t appreciate what the citizens of the past have done to overcome certain inequities. That’s true! On the other hand, I’m implying that our citizens of today should hesitate before fighting real and perceived injustices. Of course we should fight, as others before us have! But understand first the 'what and why'. What are the injustices? Some are well worth the fight; others we perceive in the light of rabble-rousing or are very low in comparative importance. I can only have my own opinion, and you should have yours – not someone else’s. If you are right-leaning or left-leaning, you will find many on the opposite end of your ideals. Most of the time their views are honestly held.

Here’s the thing! Study before you come to an opinion. Think before you act. Give before you take. Understand before you criticize. Don’t assume. Think about your opposition’s reasoning. Yes you can disagree, but maybe you will have a modicum of understanding for what brought them to their position. Here’s an extreme, perhaps an unpopular, example.

An Islamic terrorist does not see him or herself as a terrorist. In their minds, they are a champion for Allah. And that ‘fable’ (my strong opinion) of 72 virgins at your service upon self-sacrifice is exciting at the least.  This conviction is what these people are taught and believe from birth by people they love and trust. We are fighting their beliefs, not so much them.

Another consideration is personality attributes of which there are many. Some of us are agreeable, and some are not. Some of us are conscientious while others are more creative. Some believe in self-responsibility because that’s in their social DNA. They don’t understand people who seemingly don’t care for themselves. Others want to help everyone, even those who won’t help themselves. So, if one person believes in giving to the homeless, and others don’t, it’s not a matter of being right or wrong, it’s often a matter of your personality and background. It takes much convincing to change your beliefs on victimhood, the evils of society, or conservative/progressive thought in general.

Young adults put too much faith in listening to those around them before they think for themselves. Places this happens are the home, churches, mosques, temples, military, schools, and universities. Even those in gangs allow the gang to think for them. How many of these places teach you to think for yourself? Not many. It takes time and experience to shake the beliefs of others that aren’t indeed your own. Again, the intentions of these groups are usually excellent and not intentionally bad, but it is worthwhile to look with a critical eye and ask many questions with an open and judging mind.

We are always correct in our minds. We can’t always trust our thoughts or judgments. For instance, there is a major political issue about which I have changed my opinion. My old opinion made so much sense until I talked to a friend with a different view. His explanation made more sense to me than the reactive idea I had before. I’ve had other discussions where my mind was not changed. These discussions are valuable because many factors are considered, leading one to more or less faith in their stance. That is important!

Principles


As previously mentioned, don’t take until you’ve provided. When you are very young, most of your thoughts, lifestyle, and beliefs and been provided to you. To spout those things forward is not credible until you have thought for yourself, supported your own lifestyle, and have your rationalized reasoning for your beliefs. Learn by doing, volunteering, giving back, reading history, understanding people and personality. Spend a year working before going to college. Live by your self-provided means. Support your country through community volunteering or the military. If you go to college, go to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer, architect, scientist, teacher, etc. These are things that require further education. You can learn most other topics, not all of course, on your own – and save tons of money! If you go college to be an artist, dancer, social worker, activist, or actor, then consider these to be gifts to society. We need these people and should support them and enjoy them. It’s usually not, however, a way to earn a comfortable living. Know that! Make your choices with targets for which you are aiming your life.

Summary

Study before you come to an opinion. Think before you act. Understand before you criticize. Don’t assume. As an adult, don’t ‘take’ until you’ve ‘provided’. If you still ‘take’ and you are 26 years of age, you are still a child. It’s not all about YOU. When you understand that, YOU will like yourself more, as will others. These are ideals I hope my children learned from me. I already know one or two have a few differing opinions than me and that is a good sign.

If you agree with these words, do so because you came to your thought-out conclusion. If you don’t, here’s your chance to give these words consideration, at the least - or argue your point.
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PS. Next week I will put forth some substantial proof of how much better off we are than our ancestors, even our parents.

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​Why Fathers Need a Sense of Humor

9/2/2019

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PictureA Lake Michigan Sunset
Fathers are parents too. They are just as important as mothers to the welfare of their children. However, being respected as a parent can be more difficult for fathers. There are factors such as unfair assumptions, time available, lack of mentoring, lack of opportunity, and personality that have caused some of these difficulties. Whereas the previous sentence can apply to women in the workforce, it is true for men in the family.

Married men and/or fathers take a beating in many circles. Not that men don’t deserve some of it, but I will explain. Before I begin, this is not going to be an anti-woman stance. I don’t push feminist doctrine, but I am very pro-woman. Most of the important people in my life are females. They raised me, they comforted me, and have given me great joy. In short, I very much respect women. On the other hand, when I have had trouble, most of it came from, or because of, men. That’s just me, not everyone. However, men often get what we used to say when I was a kid, “the short end of the stick” when family issues are discussed. Oftentimes, men are ridiculed in ways women would never be. Yes, there are blond jokes. But we don’t really assume someone is dumb just because they are blond - not anyone with a lick of sense, and they are rarely our moms.

TV Shows

In family oriented TV shows, for instance, men are shown to be idiots, buffoons, lazy, and/or self-centered. ‘Everyone Loves Raymond” is a classic example, as is “Homer Simpson”, “Two and a Half Men”, “Bob’s Burgers”, and “Married…with Children”. I enjoyed all these programs and wonder if they would have been successful if it had been focused on the shortcomings or buffoonery of women. The one TV program that came close to this was from the 1950’s, “I Love Lucy”. Lucy, however, was much more loveable than Raymond or Al Bundy, in my opinion.

Commercials

In commercials, it’s men who are always being rescued by their wives, daughters, or moms. In “The Boy Crisis”, author Warren Farrell states, “…virtually 100 percent of TV ads that portray only one sex as a jerk portray the man as the jerk.” A 2016 Super Bowl commercial shows a dad distracted with his Doritos while a female doctor and mom look at the ultrasound of their child as they wonder how they put up with his behavior. Any commercial that would belittle the skills or knowledge of a woman like this would never make it on TV. I understand this. Women are the main consumers of TV products so it works to downplay the attributes of men.

Does it bother me that men are often belittled on TV programs and commercials? No. I can take it and smile. Few men complain about how they are portrayed. But it doesn’t help young men who watch these commercials and assume their dads are like this. What does bother me is the wrath that would exist if it were the other way around. I’m very happy it isn’t the other way around, i.e. men being the smart ones, men showing women which water filter is best. It would make me cringe a bit. Men and women, as groups have their strengths and weaknesses. We should recognize that but not be married to the notion either of us are helpless. All of us can find instances, no matter our sex, when we are in need of help.

Family Heroes

When discussing their lives in speeches, most speakers credit their mothers as the backbone of their family. It was factually true in my upbringing that my mother was our backbone, as is true in many other families. However, the truth of the matter is most families had a backbone of a mother and father molded together to perform what each does well. But it’s the mother who is most commonly considered the backbone. I have no issue with this trend. But I can’t imagine it would be socially acceptable to say men were the backbone of most two-parent families. When in doubt, go with the mom.

The Courts

Men, as fathers, take a beating in the courts as is sometimes appropriate. In circumstances that are not so obvious, it is the mother who is most often awarded custody of the children even when the father wants custody himself. Whereas Moms have a right to their children, Dads have to fight for their children. In 2013, just one of every six custodial parents (17.5 percent) were fathers according to US Census Bureau. We can factor in the remarkable parenting skills of most mothers and that is still a lopsided statistic. Everyone has heard the term “Deadbeat Dad”, but you never hear the term “Deadbeat Mom”. The area of child custody is one area where a sense of humor doesn’t help. The good news is more fathers are getting custody and visitation rights than in the past.


Summary
​
Fewer people today want to admit that men and women are different, even to the point of confusion. (Some push the narrative that there are 70+ genders.) Strengths are not usually owned by one sex or the other, but they can be predominant in one or the other and this fact has repercussions and advantages. The honor, ability and burden to bear children has naturally been a factor in women’s social standing.  The truth is that men have had the advantage in the boardroom, and women have had the advantage in the courts, both in law and public opinion through the media. In both of those situations, the trends are reversing. More women in the boardroom means more men at home. This works well when both are where they most want to be. Changing social standards will allow them to be where they feel is best for their family and to feel good about it. Life is not fair; it doesn’t have a conscience. Women have disadvantages and have been mistreated, but men also experience these things. We rarely talk about the issues men face.

Yes, fathers need a sense of humor, and not just with their kids. #powerofdadhood

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​When Kids Say "No Fair"

7/29/2019

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 Kids love to say “No fair!” when decisions or incidents don’t go their way. But is life fair? The further we are from being in control, the less fair life can be. Within the family, life can be and usually is fairer but not always in the eyes of the children. They are experiencing life and learning how it works. It’s a good lesson to emphasize within the family how life can often be unfair. Certainly, life is not always fair in the big world in which they will be living - so spare your children the shock!

It can be a depressing thought when someone learns life is not fair. Christians teach that “good works” alone will not get them into heaven. On the face of it, not being rewarded for being a good person seems like the ultimate example of unfairness. But looking for a reward is not why you should be helpful and kind. Some do good things, mostly for recognition. When we see people that don’t seek recognition for the good they do, we appreciate them even more. Being treated fairly for being kind is not the goal, nor should it be expected. Being in control of your life is much more important than looking for fairness.

Acceptance is Freeing

When anyone accepts that life is not fair and never should be expected to be so, it eases their resentment, it takes away victim mentality, we accept the fact we can’t fix everything or help everyone, good things are appreciated, bad situations are less stressful and we can move on quite quickly from disappointment.

Fairness is a gift, not a right. While laws give us our rights, not expecting ‘fairness’ gives us our peace. Fairness is in our lives, only as we live it and accept it from others. Fortunately, there is a lot of fairness in our world, and we are blessed to have it. Generally, we take turns, allow merging traffic, return lost or forgotten items, watch out for others, pay our taxes, help our neighbors, and more. But we are not equally smart, fast, healthy, creative, diligent, or beautiful. Sometimes that will seem unfair, and maybe it is. But remember the Serenity Prayer. It says all you have to know to be able not to be burdened by unfairness.

Summary

Life is not fair! And the sooner you teach this to your children, the more they will learn to live with this fact. In the process, they will be less angry, more accepting, and more apt to be in control of their situation in life. This lesson is one of the best ways to teach and achieve maturity in those you love and want to be successful. It's a lesson that must be taught over and over until it sinks in.

​#powerofdadhood

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The Fourth Annual Dad's Self-Evaluation Checklist!

6/10/2019

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PictureAppendix B "The Power of Dadhood"
This is the fourth year after my fatherhood book was published. Each year around Father’s Day, I make my “Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist” (in Appendix B of my book) available for any man who would take advantage of it. My original title was 'Self-Inspection', but it really is a 'Self-Evaluation'. There are many ways to use this checklist, but the essential aspect of it is to make you think, in detail, about your role and performance as a dad.

There are those of you who have seen this checklist before and can compare how you might have changed as a father, hopefully for the better. Others will see it for the first time and will be able to see their strengths, and maybe their weaknesses, as a dad. A weakness revealed is a weakness that can be conquered. Lastly, there will be men and women who can reflect back to their own fathers and the type of dads they were/are. Many of you will revel in your luck at having a father who cared for you and prepared you for adulthood. But a few will come to see what they may have missed in their fathers, assuming they were involved at all. It could answer some questions about yourself.

I caution that this checklist is not meant to finger-point! “Oh, you did, or didn’t do that!” No, it is a self-evaluation to assure you or to help you as the situation would warrant.  Perfection is not expected or possible, just used as a target. Your answers are your own and as private as you wish. Consider each category, each question, and decide to change or continue fathering as you have in the past .

The intention of going through an evaluation like this is threefold: 1) to be a better father, 2) to have a well-adjusted family, 3) to do your incremental part in creating a better society through healthy families!

Thank You and the best of luck!
Mike


A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist    (Appendix B: "The Power of Dadhood")
 ​
Are you there for them, not just around?
  • Do you/did you hold your children as babies and toddlers?
  • Do you enjoy spending time with your kids?
  • Do you make time to focus on your kids?
  • Would you consider yourself loving and do your kids KNOW that you care for them?
  • On occasion, do you give them special one-on-one attention? 
  • Do you comfort your kids when appropriate?
  • Are you willing to be ‘hated’ for doing the right thing for your children?
  • Do you really listen to them?
  • Do you have fun together?

 Do you help your children face their fears?
  • Do you push (encourage) your meek children forward and hold back (protect) your adventurous children?
  • Are you aware of any peer pressure they may be facing and how to deal with it?
  • Do you give them reachable challenges to conquer to build up their confidence?
  • Do you praise their efforts and rejoice when they are persistent?
  • Can you tell if and when your help will make them stronger or weaker?

 Does your family work together and support each other?
  • Do you and their mother see eye to eye on how to raise your children? Can you compromise?
  • Do you continue to parent the only way you know how, or do you research other options?
  • Are you aware of how much you, as a father, can influence your children in both positive and negative ways? If not, read my blog or book on fatherhood.
  • Do you develop family traditions that are loved by the entire family?
  • Do you know your children’s friends? Do you approve of their values?
  • Is diversity allowed and cooperation encouraged in your home?
  • Are you careful to not favor one child over another?
  • Do you never give in, give in too much, or give in as appropriate to your children’s requests?
  • Do you communicate clearly with the children’s mother regarding punishments, rewards, their whereabouts, schedule etc.?

 Are you a good example to your children and do you represent yourself well? 
  • Do you avoid abusing your power as a father, using influence instead of force? 
  • Do you have an open mind toward things you don’t understand?
  • Are you consistent in your actions, discipline, encouragement, love?
  • Following your lead, are your children respectful and kind to others?
  • Are you a good model for your daughters to know how to be treated by boys or other men?

 Is building the character of your children a conscious part of your parenting?
  • Would you want your children to act as you do? Children will usually mimic you.
  • Do you encourage your children’s passions, dreams, and individuality?
  • Do you realize that lessons taught when your children are young will be anchored in them, but missed lessons may haunt them for a long time? Prevention is much easier than healing!
  • Do you allow them to make mistakes (for learning) when no one or nothing gets hurt?
  • Do you teach, or exemplify to your kids, kindness, values, discipline, or manners?
  • Do you praise good behavior while redirecting/correcting inappropriate behavior?
  • Do you help them to make responsible choices?
  • Do you tell your children mistakes are okay, but known wrongdoing is NOT a mistake?
  • Do you instill integrity, teaching what’s right to do and what is wrong to do?
  • Do they know what humility means and how it can help them to be liked and respected?
  • Do you teach your children to be self-reliant and to be responsible for their actions?
  • Have you taught them how to earn, value, save, and spend money?
  • Do your children know how to set and meet goals?
  • Do you emphasize and support education? 

 Summary                  

If you have plowed through this checklist, congratulations! The mere fact that you went through it all indicates you probably did well on your self-inspection. Your most important personal contribution to your family and society is your dedication to the welfare of your children. But none of us are perfect, and we do have many distractions. It’s good to review this checklist occasionally, maybe every Father's Day week, to check up on yourself while you are checking up on your children. Ask for guidance if you could use some help!

Every topic in this checklist is explained, discussed, or answered in my book, “The Power of Dadhood: Become the Father Your Child Needs.”

​

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​Love or Money?

6/3/2019

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In my book on fatherhood, I discuss how easy it is to be a good father - even with the continuous challenges that come with the role. But challenges don't come between you and success as a parent, lack of caring will. If  you care, you will try, and that is everything! Some men lose their families simply because they don't care. They don't care enough to learn, they don't care enough to put forth the necessary effort, or they don't have the strength to fight through adversity. 

There are other men who have lost their families and fight very hard to get them back. It could have been a mistake on their part that caused this to happen. Or maybe the mother of his children who, for reasons that are varied, or unfair, or unknown, choose to keep him away. And the laws of the land help the mothers to do just that. Often unfairly. No matter the circumstance, when children lose the care of their father through divorce, it's not the lost love, caring, or mentoring that is demanded for the children, it's money! 

The following is an excerpt from, "The Power of Dadhood - How to Become the Father Your Child Needs". In this passage, I discuss love versus money. If we agree we have too many families led by the mother alone, then not only is getting financial help important, but so too is getting emotional support for the children from the father that still cares deeply for them.



Love or Money?

It is a social rarity in America to excuse an absent father from meeting his financial responsibilities. What is sadly accepted is excusing him from his fatherly responsibilities. As stated by Blankenhorn in Fatherless America: “In our cultural model of the Deadbeat Dad, the core issue is money absence, not father absence.” Discussion of the absence of a father always seems to center on the need for income—child support. While income is important, the lack of a male role model and the lack of a real, involved Dad—truly supporting the child—is the real problem. Those of us who are worried about a fatherless America (and I wish there were more of us) realize that the best way to get men to support their children is to help these men become better fathers. It is easier to become a deadbeat dad when:
  • you think of sex but not the consequences
  • you haven’t had the mentoring many young men need to be a nurturing father
  • you are confused and afraid
  • the mother doesn’t want you around
  • you have little or no money
  • you feel you have no control over the child or the money you send
  • you are looked down upon—described as a terrible partner or parent—when the facts of the matter may prove differently
While the hurdles can be daunting, you can overcome them if you want to. But before that happens, you have total control over becoming a father, or becoming a father again. If you have any doubts or questions about ever being a father or even having more children, read the next chapter, “To Be or Not to Be.” Otherwise, you can skip it and move on to understanding the negative social impacts that can arise with fatherless children, which you can help minimize by being a good Dad.

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