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Reaching and Teaching or Painting and Breaking

8/31/2015

Photo by Papa

Little kids are like soft clay. You may not be able to change the clay, but you can mold the clay to be more beautiful or useful. The clay can harden very quickly so, as I say again and again, start molding your children when they are young. Not only are very young children impressionable, they are much more capable to learn than many parents realize. How you handle them will be recorded in their young brains. Teaching little ones right from wrong is a crucial lesson, One area in which to be careful with your children is what you give to them, and when you give in to them.

We all know that there are givers and takers in this world. You know who they are almost right away. I think most of us want our children to be known as giving people, contributing to solutions instead of being the problem. We want them to bring energy into the world, not be the ones who suck the life out of it. Thankfully as parents, we can make a difference

Givers want to help others and expect nothing in return. Parents are some of the best givers in the world. We parents must give to our children because they depend on us for food, shelter, protection and love. On the other hand, kids are some of the best takers in the world. Takers are more than happy to receive because they are self-involved and concentrate in those activities that benefit them. This works just fine for infants, but as they get older, kids want more than these basics. They will take, take, take!

However, when someone simply takes and takes, without learning a desire to give back, they tend to rely on receiving for satisfaction. Kids are so adept at ‘taking’ that you have to be careful about what you give. In general, give them only what they need or earn. And yes, an ice cream cone can be earned by just being a good, responsible kid. A parent must not give things to their child with the expectation of receiving love in return. Instead of appreciation, takers tend to feel they are entitled. Giving to your children is not loving when that gift keeps them from learning important life lessons.

Some thoughts about raising givers, not takers.

Moms and dads, be on the same page. One strict parent and one soft parent doesn’t work.
Don’t make life too easy for them. Protect them from harm, not hard work.
Make them aware of the less fortunate, and there are always less fortunate.
Tell them stories of giving and how it makes life better for all.
When they are old enough, get them involved in a program to help others, e.g. Special Olympics.
Praise them when they share something of value or help others.
Don’t buy their love. If it’s for sale, you don’t want to buy it.
Correct inappropriate behavior such as selfishness, laziness, or bragging.
Negotiating good behavior is not the best way to establish it.

Love comes from the intangibles of life like caring, loving, and mentoring, not from giving things or giving in. Certainly caring is one of the best gifts there is! Caring is a gift that tells someone they are worthy, building their confidence, self-esteem and character. But being a ‘push over’ or being a ‘pleaser’ is not caring because the consequences can damage the character of your children.

Of course everyone gives some and takes some. Give when you can and take when you need. A good society is all about that. We all can give and we all have needs. But when there is an imbalance, it’s usually noticed. I’m not sure there could ever be too many givers, but there can certainly be too many takers. Teach your children well and early. When clay has hardened, you can only change it with paint or by breaking it. Painting is just a cover up and breaking anything to fix it is very, very difficult.

Summary

Mentor your kids when they are reachable and teachable. If that opportunity is missed, then painting and/or breaking may be the only options left. ‘Painting’ your kids is looking the other way, denial, and/or making excuses for them. ‘Breaking’ them is allowing them to hit rock bottom, incarceration, or rehab. Painting never works in the long term. Breaking is so, so painful and, heartbreakingly, too often doesn’t work either. Use the leverage you have when your children are young to avoid the more difficult solutions that could come later.

Note: Did I mention it takes two involved parents to raise children properly, with mutual cooperation, idea-expanding synergy, and without exhaustion? Please consider buying The Power of Dadhood for a father you love, or the father of a child you love.

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"The Power of Dadhood" A Changing Behavior Network Interview

8/24/2015

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Dr. James Sutton, the host of the Changing Behavior Network gave me the opportunity to tell my story and how I came to write "The Power of Dadhood". I hope you can find time to listen to why I write about and discuss fatherhood. Every child deserves and benefits from both parents being educated and involved in their most important responsibility, raising healthy children. This 29 minute interview reveals my childhood story, a story I want others to avoid.

For the introduction to the interview AND to learn more about the Changing Behavior Network, click here.

Click --> THE INTERVIEW to listen

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The Professional Father?

8/17/2015

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I like the notion of professional fathers. No, I don’t mean paying men to be dads. I mean really understanding the role of a dad. Being called a professional in any area is quite a compliment. Professionals are qualified, proficient, trained, skilled and, experts in their field. I want my doctor, teacher, lawyer, carpenter, dentist, and financial advisor to all be professionals. It would be unwise to ask Uncle Joe for financial advice beyond the ABC’s of--”save, invest, and be prudent”. Or silly to ask neighbor Francine about dental hygiene beyond a recommendation to “brush regularly”. Yet, raising a child is often left to amateurs!

There is no way around this dilemma! It is not against the law to have babies and we cannot force their parents to raise them a certain way, nor should we. It is up to the parents to be responsible, which most are. But being responsible is not always enough. Uncle Joe is very responsible as is neighbor Francine. Neither are out to deceive, but their inexperience could damage us financially or orally.

Instincts are what save most parents. But is that enough? Is that what you want for your children? Not everyone has good instincts and there are necessary parental tasks that don’t rely on instinct alone. My personal belief is that mothers have more parenting instinct than fathers—of course with many exceptions. I assume maternal instinct comes with carrying a baby to birth or the fact that mothers generally spend more time with their children. I respect those that disagree, but if I am correct, fathers need even more help in parenting. Equal instincts or not, fathers are missing from their families much more so than mothers--not just physically, but emotionally. So what about recognizing exceptional fathers as “professional”? And how do they get this designation?

I developed a checklist which goes into depth asking paternal parenting questions. It’s a way a dad can judge his own skills, thoughts, and/or habits of being a father. You don’t come away with a score. You come away with knowledge of your strengths and weaknesses as a dad.

But if I had to reduce the ‘Professional Father’ requirements to three important criteria. It would be these.

1.       Are you there for your children when needed or appropriate?

2.       Do you have high standards that you teach and enforce?

3.       Are you loving towards your children?

Being there when needed assumes you take action on your own to be aware of special events and celebrations, of your children’s needs, their times of sorrow and/or fear, or the one-on-one time they often crave.

Having high standards is crucial in raising and mentoring children. Rules, consequences, consistency, patience, and nurturing are standards that must be discussed and agreed to with their mother.

Kids crave love more than food according to a quote from Mother Theresa. Love gives a child a feeling of belonging, acceptance, and self-worth. Without those values, any child will struggle.

When you fulfill these three criteria, you are not an amateur father, you are a highly paid professional-- not paid in dollars, but paid in love, pride, and the accomplishments of your children. And by the way, the preferred abbreviation for professional father is…Dad!

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"The Last Three Outs" - Connecting to Your Kids Through Reading

8/13/2015

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Human beings are social animals. We thrive when we have meaningful and loving relationships. Parents and their children have the most important and delicate connection of all humans. We need to find ways to make lasting connections and make efforts to do so.

One way to connect with your kids is to read with them. Certainly this is true when they are toddlers. They sit on your lap and love to hear your voice reading the story as they look at the drawings of bears or pigs, or cars and trucks, or princes and princesses. But reading together shouldn’t stop there!

Of course, sitting on your lap may go out of style, but when they become older you can read the same book at the same time and spend a few minutes a night discussing it. The book doesn’t have to be particularly educational, although it wouldn’t hurt. The discussion, the reading, the connection between parent and child is the important thing. Think of it as a family book club.

I remember the first book I really enjoyed reading as a kid was “Johnny Tremain”. It was historical, set in the early days of our country, but it was a story. I wanted to talk about it but no one else was reading it. Today there are scores of wonderful books written for young adults which are also enjoyable to adults. We’ve all heard of "Harry Potter” by J.K. Rowling. I have heard of parents and their kids enjoying these series of books together, giving them something in common.

Finding books of common interest is key! If you find your son is becoming distant but you both like sports, find a good book on sports to read. There are tons of sports books available both fact and fiction. If you read the book separately, but during the same time period, you can discuss the plot, the characters, the parts you enjoyed, the lessons therein and more. This is a perfect way to keep in contact if the father is away for work, or doesn't live under the same roof. Finding something to talk about and having something in common could be a wonderful breakthrough for both of you!

Recently, I met a fellow rookie author at a book signing in Springfield, MO. He was a very pleasant older gentleman with distinguished careers in the FBI, higher education, and coaching basketball. His name is John Nickols and like me, he has a passion for baseball and wanted to write a novel involving his favorite pastime that also had Christian values. His book is entitled “The Last Three Outs”. It is the perfect example of a book that a sports loving father and son (or mother, or daughter) could both read, enjoy, and discuss. John told me he wanted to write a book that could be read by all, without unnecessary expletives or graphic sex scenes—perfect for sharing with a younger boy or girl.

"The Last Three Outs" is the story of a young man named Danny Hill who once had a promising career as a major league pitcher but hurt his arm, placing serious doubts regarding his future as a ball player. But his love for baseball kept him in the game, even at the lowest levels—until he met an old man in a nursing home who gave him hope, and a new pitch—a new pitch which helps him find his way to the Major Leagues! Needless to say, he finds challenges, love, and adventure along the way!

Filled with descriptive and knowledgeable baseball scenes, Jon Nickols, weaves an enjoyable and inspirational story of love, struggle and triumph. It is a story for both adults and kids alike that teaches, thankfully, that good guys can win even when tragic events interrupt their lives.

The Message

Reading/stories/discussion make(s) connections. Of course, if you like another sport, or another topic altogether, you will have no problem finding something you both will enjoy. But lean towards something your son or daughter likes to read about. Not only will you encourage a love of reading, you will find another way to connect to your kids. And that is the lesson here--connection with your children. Reading together, even separately, is just one way you may not have considered.

John Nickols, a native of the Ozarks, has a Bachelor's and Master's degrees from Baylor University. He is a former FBI agent, a longtime basketball coach, and presently an Assistant Professor of History/Political Science at Howard Payne University in Brownwood, Texas. He and his wife Barbara have three children: Eric, an attorney; Mrs. Molly Purl. a school administrator; and Mark, a teacher and basketball coach.

The Last Three Outs is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Hastings.com.

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The Fatherly Needs of Children

8/10/2015

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Most of us learned about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs in school. Maslow (1943) stated that people are motivated to achieve certain needs. When one need is fulfilled a person seeks to fulfill the next one, and so on. While talking to a friend one morning, Maslow's theory came up. I then realized that my Pyramid of Dadhood, which I discuss in my book, closely paralleled Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and, therefore, makes apparent how much fathers are instrumental in helping their children in fulfilling their needs! Below I discuss the connection between fatherhood and Maslow's theory at each stage

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and the Role of Fathers

1. Biological and Physiological needs - air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep.

A father begins his responsibilities at this basic level, but he has to be present. He has the primary duty and ability to provide food, drink, shelter, and warmth. Of course others can provide the needs at this level--but who better than the father (with the mother) should do this?

2. Safety needs - protection from elements, security, order, law, stability, freedom from fear.

A father adds to his family responsibilities at the safety level. A basic responsibility of a man is to protect his family, to work with the mother to create order, to allow his children to grow without fear.

3. Love and belongingness needs - friendship, intimacy, affection and love, - from work group, family, friends, romantic relationships.

Fatherly love and acceptance is a base need of every human being. When it is missing, the consequences are revealed in many ways, from emotional suffering and greater challenges to succeed, to mental instability, crime and teen aged mothers.

4. Esteem needs - achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, self-respect, respect from others.

A nurturing father teaches and guides his offspring. His involvement is a crucial aspect in his children's success, pushing them, encouraging and challenging them. Kids with involved fathers have, in general, more confidence, higher goals, better educations, and the knowledge that someone very important to them is cheering for them and wants them to succeed.

5. Self-Actualization needs - realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

Too few of us ever get to fulfill the self-actualization level of Maslow' s needs. But far fewer will reach it without two parents in their lives. Two parents are essential in every step to get to self-actualization. Of course, any individual can waste the advantages of his/her life, just as those without these advantages can become self-actualized. But this is not about the extremes of performance, it is about the helping the vast majority in between who will rise with, or fall without, the help of two parents. And when one parent is missing, 90% of the time it is the father.

From "The Power of Dadhood" (click to order)

"Fathering styles can range from being totally out of the picture to being a controlling tyrant. We want a father to be around, but not in the way. We want him to be loving, but not overprotective. We want to learn from him, but not if he’s teaching a lack of values and self-respect.

So to be an effective father means to understand the need for balance and to have solid principles. That’s not too much to ask, but it is a tough assignment to deliver because the father has to be present, physically and emotionally, while also providing for his family.

THE PYRAMID OF DADHOOD (see above)

The Pyramid of Dadhood shows a hierarchy of traits needed for effective fathering. The foundation of the pyramid is for a father to be present in a child’s life, a necessary place to start and an immediate and immeasurable benefit to all involved.

At the next level of the pyramid, a father expresses love for his children and provides for their safety and comfort. When he achieves or naturally acts from this level, it is a colossal benefit to his children and lays the foundation for the pyramid’s pinnacle, where the father teaches, nurtures, and prepares his children for life. This hierarchy will be discussed in detail in future chapters.

Challenges do exist within each step and among all involved. None of this responsibility comes easily. If it did, the need for more fathers actually fathering would not be so great.

The missing father does not act within this pyramid. We can only discuss why he may be absent and the implications of his absence as they impact his children and our society, which we will do in chapter 2."

Being in The Pyramid is a good thing. Rising to the top is much better! I believe the very best parents have a goal of doing all they can to help their children become self-actualized. Read the characteristics of a self-actualized person described by Abraham Maslow and think about your children having these characteristics.

Characteristics of self-actualizers: (By studying 18 people he considered to be self-actualized (including Abraham Lincoln and Albert Einstein) Maslow (1970) identified 15 characteristics of a self-actualized person.)

1. They perceive reality efficiently and can tolerate uncertainty;
2. Accept themselves and others for what they are;
3. Spontaneous in thought and action;
4. Problem-centered (not self-centered);
5. Unusual sense of humor;
6. Able to look at life objectively;
7. Highly creative;
8. Resistant to enculturation, but not purposely unconventional;
9. Concerned for the welfare of humanity;
10. Capable of deep appreciation of basic life-experience;
11. Establish deep satisfying interpersonal relationships with a few people;
12. Peak experiences;
13. Need for privacy;
14. Democratic attitudes;
15. Strong moral/ethical standards.

These are truly worthwhile goals for anyone!

The information regarding "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs" came from:
http://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

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The 5 Most Common Mistakes Made by Fathers (IMHO)

8/6/2015

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The worst mistake is having child you're not ready to care for!

On the news this morning was a story of a carjacking. This was not an ordinary carjacking--if there is such a thing. This one was perpetrated by five kids aged fifteen to six years of age at 10:30 at night! Did this come about as a mistake in parenting? Absolutely not! The parents of these young men (boys) are criminally negligent!

This is not how I originally intended to start this article. But it points out the biggest mistake a man or woman can make, that is, having a child when you have no intention of nurturing him! Where were these parents while their children were committing this serious and dangerous crime? A child of six was in peril just by being out at this time of night, let alone being involved in a car jacking! Clearly, parenting is not the first priority of these parents, nor is it a priority at all.

The overwhelming majority of parents are not this reprehensibly inept or corrupt. But even decent parents make honest mistakes or get caught up in everyday life. Dads have their own set of predictable mistakes. Mistakes are never planned--but not planning is also a mistake.

The five fatherly mistakes I will point out most often come about by:
1) being too busy or too self-absorbed or,
2) simple ignorance or neglect of fatherly responsibilities.

The Five Most Common Mistakes Made by Fathers, in my humble opinion

The following are five mistakes all fathers make in varying degrees, at various times, usually because of being too busy. When done sparingly there will likely be no serious consequences. None are specific, tangible errors. They are symptomatic errors and if any are left unchecked, they could create unnecessary issues in the family.

1.       Assuming

When a father assumes everything and everyone is okay, without taking time to notice, he is shortchanging his family. Look into the faces of your children, look eye to eye. Ask them how they are doing and listen to what they are saying and how they are saying it. Hearing “I’m okay” does not get you off the hook. You must ‘listen’ with more than your ears, and 'look' as if you have eyes in the back of your head. And remember to talk with their mother and her concerns.

2.       Forgetting

Forgetting what you have promised or even mentioned to your children is mistake number two. Never let your word become a useless utterance that is doubted or ignored! Kids remember what you say whether it is good or bad. This includes when punishments are announced but not carried through. You must keep your word and be consistent. Your word should be accepted and respected!

3.       Stagnation

Believing you are a good dad when you do nothing to be a better dad is stealing your best from your children. I guarantee you there are things to learn—methods, approaches, techniques, and more which could make fathering easier, and your children more successful. Don’t be satisfied with being just an okay father. There is no rule that says fathers can't discuss fathering with each other. Read up!

4.       Unintended Mentoring

You are always mentoring whether you know it or not, and whether you like it or not. Your kids watch you closely, assuming what you do and how you do it are correct or, at least, acceptable. When you smoke, complain, throw trash out your window, are disrespectful to anyone, use profane language, etc. – you are mentoring in all the wrong ways. “Do as I say, not as I do” may sound like parenting, but it is the worst kind of parenting. Be aware of your actions around kids, especially your own, and be the example of how you would like your children to be as adults.

5.       Mixed Priorities

There is only ONE ‘number one’ priority if you are a parent—it’s your children! That’s not to say you skip an important meeting at work to see your child's kindergarten play. But think about both your job responsibilities AND your child before you make an honest decision. Do this as a rule and you will find more time to be a dad, because ‘being there’ is the most important thing you can do for your kids!

Summary

If you are a father, I hope you have read this thoroughly and thought about how you parent your children with their mother. Reflection is one of the best characteristics of good dads! My book, The Power of Dadhood: Be the Father Your Child Needs, goes into much more detail and includes much more information about the need for and challenges of being a dad.

Thank you!

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A Gentle Lesson in Responsibility

8/3/2015

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It’s my honor to have a distinguished guest author this week--Dr. James Sutton. Dr. Sutton is a nationally recognized child and adolescent psychologist and speaker. He also has founded the popular Changing Behavior Network podcast. His article is entitled “A Gentle Lesson in Responsibility".

An Introduction:

What is the most important characteristic you would want in your son or daughter? Is it being on time, paying attention, being accountable for their actions, keeping their word, being respectful, having goals, being persistent, or having gratitude? All are wonderful characteristics to be sure, but failing in just one of these areas could cause a serious threat to a child’s future success.

There is one descriptive word that will cover all of these characteristics quite nicely. That word is RESPONSIBILITY! When you teach your children responsibility, you are teaching all of the attributes above. If your kids are not responsible, they will not be trusted, they won’t succeed with honor, and neither will they be rewarded in honorable ways. Responsibility is learned behavior and must be taught at a young age--before bad habits are ingrained and have to be undone.

Here is Dr. Sutton’s story of a lesson he received from his father as a young boy. You see how this story has stuck with him over the years and was a guiding moment in his development of the principles of his life.

James Sutton and his English racer.

A Gentle Lesson in Responsibility

Children and teens learn responsibility by making a few mistakes along the way. Since mistakes are part of the process, wise parents allow for lessons learned through forgetfulness and error. It's not a time for tough discipline, necessarily, rather a time for simply correcting those mistakes. We've ALL been there.

One of my first lessons in responsibility came wrapped in a present from my parents. Well, actually it wasn't wrapped; it was a bicycle. But what a bike it was; a gleaming black, three-speed English racer. It was too, too and too: too big, too fast, and too much for this kid to handle. With Dad's help, however, I caught on quickly. That bike quickly became my chariot for discovering the world that included the three blocks I was allowed to travel.

On My Own

One evening my father handed me 75 cents for a haircut. He told me that, since I now had my own transportation, I could now go to the barber shop all by myself, if I so wished.

If I so wished? I was overjoyed! I don't remember much about school that next day; my mind was focused on the adventure of that solo trip after school.

My Discovery

The journey to the barber shop and back came off perfectly, without a hitch. Or so I thought. That evening at suppertime, I discovered I still had the barber's money in the pocket of my jeans. In my excitement to get back on my faithful steed and return home, I had forgotten to pay the man for the haircut.

I showed Dad the three quarters and confessed my mistake.

Making It Right

He immediately called the barber at his home and took down his address. Dad then drove me over to the barber's house so I could pay the man that very evening.

I want to make it clear that Dad was NOT angry or upset with me; mistakes happen. He wanted to impress upon me that a debt unpaid remains a debt, regardless of the amount. Besides, the barber had rendered a service and deserved to be paid for it.

As I reflect on the lesson learned that night, it seems to me that my father's insistence that I pay the barber on his doorstep that very evening carried another powerful lesson for me: Mistakes are best repaired IMMEDIATELY, whenever possible. It's not a bad formula for sleeping a little better at night.

Besides, it's the RIGHT thing to do.

About Dr. Sutton

A nationally recognized child and adolescent psychologist and speaker, Dr. James Sutton is the author of The Changing Behavior Book: A Fresh Approach to the Difficult Child. He is the founder and host of The Changing Behavior Network, a popular internet radio-style podcast and blog supporting young people and their families. A link to the Network and other resources are available through his website, http://www.DocSpeak.com.

I look forward to being a guest on Dr. Sutton's podcast on August 14th, 2015. Broadcast date will be later in the month and I will announce it when known.

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Reaching and Teaching or Painting and Breaking

"The Power of Dadhood" A Changing Behavior Network Interview

The Professional Father?

"The Last Three Outs" - Connecting to Your Kids Through Reading

The Fatherly Needs of Children

The 5 Most Common Mistakes Made by Fathers (IMHO)

A Gentle Lesson in Responsibility

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