Blog Archives

'The Dadhood Journey' Podcast by Dr. Jay Warren (with Me)

8/26/2019

I was honored by being interviewed by Dr. Jay Warren, a Prenatal & Pediatric Chiropractor and host of the podcast "Healthy Births, Happy Babies", and this podcast "The Dadhood Journey".

We spend 38 minutes discussing 'dadhood' as further described by Dr. Warren below.

Please consider his FB Page "The Dadhood Journey!

Please click on Interview to hear "The Dadhood Journey" Podcast. And thank you for taking time.

Dr. Jay Warren's Introduction:

Something different today Dads - an interview with the author of my favorite book on fatherhood!

Guest: Michael Byron Smith is the author of “The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs”. He has dedicated himself to “Helping Fathers to be Dads”, the name of his Dadhood blog.

In this episode, we will cover:

The real difference between being a father and being a Dad.
The 7 Characteristics of a Successful Dad and what it takes to become better at each one.
The “Dad’s Self Inspection Checklist”, created out of Mike experience of being an USAF Colonel and how to use it to regularly take an inventory of how you’re doing as a dad and where you can improve.

Resources mentioned in the conversation:

The Power of Dadhood book on Amazon
His website: https://michaelbyronsmith.com/index.html
Dr. Jay’s article on The Transition to Fatherhood: https://drjaywarren.com/the-transition-to-dadhood/
Dr. Jay’s other podcast: Healthy Births, Happy Babies

About Michael Byron Smith:

Michael Byron Smith is an advocate for healthy families with an emphasis on fathering. He is a 69-year-old father of three and grandfather to four, a retired USAF Colonel and a former B-52 pilot. Michael is the oldest of a family of six that struggled. His alcoholic father was irresponsible in his role as a parent. The impact this had on Mike’s siblings, and two generations after that motivated him to be the best father he could be.

Michael broke the cycle of dysfunctional families by earning a college scholarship and joining Air Force ROTC. After retirement, he dedicated himself to “Helping Fathers to be Dads”, the name of his Dadhood blog. He is also the author of “The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs”.

0 Comments

The Author and Dadhood Topics

8/19/2019

0 Comments

Author

Michael Byron Smith is an advocate for healthy families with an emphasis on fathering. He is a 69-year-old father of three and grandfather to four, a retired USAF Colonel and a former B-52 pilot. Michael is the oldest of a family of six that struggled. His alcoholic father was irresponsible in his role as a parent. The impact this had on Mike’s siblings, and two generations after that motivated him to be the best father he could be.
Michael broke the cycle of dysfunctional families by earning a college scholarship and joining Air Force ROTC. After retirement, he dedicated himself to “Helping Fathers to be Dads”, the name of his Dadhood blog.

Do Whatever You Want! Success Demands It!

8/19/2019

0 Comments

The author's 4 yr old granddaughter

(This is the type of conversation a parent should have with their child when they deem it appropriate)

Do whatever you want! Sounds nice, and it is! But doing what you wish to requires responsibility and boundaries. I’ll get to the limitations later, but first, doing what you want is very important to your success!

Some artists and authors couldn’t manage a grocery store, and grocery store managers often can’t draw a decent circle or write an original sentence. If one were born into a family that managed grocery stores but had an artistic flair and desire to be creative, they could be coaxed or fooled into thinking they must do what their parents do. They also may have been convinced that art is a waste of time, especially financially. Hearing this over and over, and not being understood by others, could give one serious doubts.

I know a man who became a priest at the urging of his parents. His parents were very proud of him! He, too, believed he wanted to be a priest – until he went to the seminary and found his enthusiasm lacking compare to the other students. Maybe he wanted something else in life but never gave himself the freedom to explore those thoughts. When he finally did, he was wearing a clerical collar and knew it would devastate his parents if he were to give it up.

My three adult children all earned a college degree. My two daughters wanted an advanced education, and they went at it enthusiastically. My son, however, is a hands-on kind of guy. Formal education was a challenge to him, not because he wasn’t smart; he is very much so. He went to college because we expected of him. At first, he went to engineering school because I did. But that wasn’t him. Then he joined Air Force ROTC because I did. But that wasn’t him. I never once suggested either of those avenues. He had no plan of his own because college wasn’t his thing. My wife and I fought him for two years to keep it up, to graduate. As parents, we thought it best, but after two years of pushing, we decided we had to stop.

“Okay, do what you want, Mike. Quit if that’s what you need to do”, we told him. No more would we pressure him to stay. As a result, he remained in school and got his Bachelor’s Degree. He complained no more because it was his decision! Now, in two years, he will retire from the Army as a helicopter pilot and highly ranked Warrant Officer. He became successful because he did what HE wanted to do.

The Limitations

Of course, you can’t do whatever you want. There are laws, ethics, common sense, and others to consider. You should never cheat, steal, or lie to get what you want. That’s obvious. Be careful of following the crowd, fads, peer pressure, and being too accepting of other’s views. Remember that you must sometimes forfeit what you want for the better of loved ones. As an example, don’t be out with your buddies if your child has a concert or a play. Always consider others when making decisions for yourself, but don’t be a slave to those considerations. It is mostly just common sense, but we don’t always use it, and some don’t have any. You owe it to loved ones to communicate with them your hopes and dreams. They will most likely help you!

Success/Happiness

Financial success may come even in a circumstance where you aren’t happy. However, it’s not very likely you will enjoy it. Happiness will never happen just because you’re successful, or just because you made someone else happy while going against your desires. You can be successful in a dishonest way, but that will not make you happy unless you’re a sociopath. You have to be your persona within the limitations by which we all live. In short, happiness is success! Making a positive difference is success! The best there is! So do whatever you want – but remember the social limitations. Recognizing those limitations may help you to reach your happiness!

#powerofdadhood

0 Comments

Where Does Violent Behavior Really Begin?

8/11/2019

0 Comments

It’s not a mystery! That is, it shouldn’t be a mystery but rarely is it discussed in public forums. To a very serious degree, violence and misbehavior begin in the homes where there is no father! Please read the information and data below. Forget for a moment the crime data, drug data, and unwed mother data you see on the news. Why? Because they are secondary data *.

Why is father absence the real problem?

We cannot ignore these statistics! Without a father to have as an example to follow, to love you, to teach you, to share moments with, to have as someone who gives you a nod of approval or a glare of warning, is an irreplaceable loss. Every child wants both parents to be proud of them. When children don’t have these fundamental rights of childhood, they either rebel, shrivel within themselves, or find other ways to get recognition and acceptance.

What does science tell us about the causes of violent behavior?

Most behaviors – including violent behavior – are actually acquired or learned.
Most of this learning is not intentional or classroom-based; rather, learned behaviors come from modeling, observing, imitating, or copying. (This is sometimes called social learning.)
Most of this social learning is unconscious – meaning behaviors are picked up without our awareness of it.

Without a male role model, kids learn behavior from others. They observe and model whoever pays them attention. What they absorb is often not good for them. The need for belonging is why gangs exist. Gangs prey upon those individuals who are looking for recognition and approval. They don’t have the best interests for those individuals - not like a mother and father would!

Even after controlling for community context, there is significantly more drug use among children who do not live with their mother and father. Individuals from father-absent homes are 279% more likely to carry guns and deal drugs than peers living with their fathers.

“The causal relationship is profound between fatherlessness, single-parent families and the resultant murders, shootings, violence, poverty, lack of upper-mobility, school miseries for teachers and students, flourishing of vicious and brazen gangs (replacing fathers), lost job opportunities, illicit drug use and sales, and general quality of life.” (See the Washington Times)

One summary statement from a major study (Marriage and Family Review, 2003) titled “The Presence of Fathers in Attenuating Young Male Violence”, says “Data analyzed across the U.S. indicate that father absence, rather than poverty, was a strong predictor of young men’s violent behavior.” Even with that, poverty is four times greater in single-parent homes than homes with two parents.

No one seems to care or find excuses to avoid talking about father absence

When father absence in connection of violence, crime, poverty, or mental instability comes up, “usually either no response (most frequent), an ad hominem response, or a false, irrelevant response (One such response: This is a “horrible statement and a condemnation of the black single-parent household.”) There is nothing racially inherent in the locating of this social disaster of fatherlessness. Both white families and black families have about tripled the number of homes with kids without fathers since the 1960s.” says an article in the Washington Times entitled, “The social costs of fatherlessness”.

Certainly, many families do well with one parent, and there are intact families that are dysfunctional. However, the few that go against the norm are not the real problem. Yet few media outlets or politicians talk about the father absence problem. Worse, when reported, few people react in any coordinated or positive way.

More media analysis (but not enough!)

“The root cause of the murder, assaults, bullying, and intimidation that now defines Baltimore and most of Maryland is fatherlessness.” Baltimore Examiner
Kay Hymowitz wrote the following in the LA Times: “As far back as the 1970s, family researchers began noticing that… [b]oys from broken homes were more likely than their peers to get suspended and arrested… And justice experts have long known that juvenile facilities and adult jails overflow with sons from broken families. Liberals often assume that these kinds of social problems result from our stingy support system for single mothers and their children. But the link between criminality and fatherlessness holds even in countries with lavish social welfare systems.”
The Washington Examiner reported, “Many problems facing today’s children can be traced back to a broken home. While some kids do not let the stigma of a broken nuclear family impact them, it’s hard to argue against the positive benefits of a nuclear home. A household that is comprised of both a mother and father is crucial for the development of children. A young boy often needs and desires a father figure.”

Beyond violence, failure to thrive!

I wrote an article for the National Fatherhood Initiative in which I state another unrecognized problem of father-absent families. I titled it The Hidden Costs of Dysfunctional Families. Here is an excerpt from that article, “The lesson is that not every casualty of a dysfunctional family is obvious. Some “success” stories mask what could have been even bigger successes. Families should be slingshots, throwing children into the world prepared for what lies ahead. Unfortunately, the problems of dysfunctional families are like anchors, dragging down their potential, and too many people succumb to their disadvantages rather than fighting to conquer them.”

Father absence affects all families because father absence affects the society in which they live

In 2015, 43 percent of single-mother homes were at or below the poverty level. Children who live in poverty are more likely to remain poor as adults, putting them at risk for having children while unmarried, a significant cause of poverty and father absence.

Father absence also leads to higher rates of juvenile delinquency, including behaviors such as violent crime and drug trafficking. According to a 2011 research paper by Deborah A. Cobb-Clark Erdal Tekin, “Understanding the link between fathers’ involvement with their children… and delinquent behavior is critical… the decision to engage in risky or criminal behavior often has substantial social, economic, and health costs for adolescents… their families and society more generally.”

HOPE: Father absence can be countered and its effects mitigated

The first step to mitigate the effects of fatherlessness is to maintain and strengthen the parenting skills of men currently present in their children’s lives. The positive influence of involved fathers on their children can be leveraged to reduce the risk that their children will become part of the fatherlessness cycle. (This is the goal of The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs)

The second step to address the consequences of fatherlessness is to increase the number of fathers who will mentor a fatherless child. Highly-involved fathers can mitigate the effects of fatherlessness in their community by taking this step.

The third step to mitigate the effects of fatherless is to increase the number of men who will foster or adopt a fatherless child.

Summary

Almost every ill of society is principally caused by dysfunctional families. Not all, but in no small degree. In most instances, it is the father who is missing. What society does is ignore the root cause and talk about intermediate causes that will never address the problem properly. Grassroots efforts by each community are the best way to correct the ills of society. Our Government can help by not passing legislation that encourages the separation of families. They can reward families that stay together, but no, they reward families that don’t stay together. I understand why it happens this way – they require the most help. It’s a real dilemma. Somehow we must look at family cohesion. If we do, we could be greatly rewarded in a generation or two - because violence will be held to a minimum. Let’s find ways to keep as many fathers in the home as possible!

Note: Everything in blue is a referenced link
___________________
* As a retired engineer, I am familiar with driving deep into the cause of failures. The company where I worked, and many others, use something called a ‘5-Why Analysis” . I’ve written in this space about it in the past. But before I lose you, I’ll keep it very simple. A ‘5-Why Analysis’ is simply asking a series of questions, diving deeper into each answer as to why something occurred. The first answer is rarely, if ever, the real cause or reason. The same is true for violence – the first why a violent act occurs is not the root cause.

5-Why Analysis Example

Simply put, you ask yourself why something happened, but you don’t stop at the first answer. You ask why that answer happened. Now your two ‘whys’ in. You continue this until you get at least 5 answers.
Example: I broke my wrist.

Why 1 - How: I fell off my bike
Why 2 – Why: I hit a pothole.
Why 3 – How: I was not paying attention
Why 4 – Why: I was listening to a podcast that took my mind off what I was doing.
Why 5 - Why: Because it helps me pass the time while I get exercise.

The ultimate reason I broke my wrist is that I need to concentrate on one thing at a time. The pothole was a contributor, but not the cause. The podcast was a contributor, but not the cause. The cause was my inability to do two things reasonably well at once. I should either ride me bike, listen to a podcast, or learn to do both properly at once.

0 Comments

Being the Father Your Child Needs!

8/5/2019

0 Comments

A little over five years ago, my book “The Power of Dadhood” was published. I wrote it for very personal reasons, and for my belief that 'the family' is the core building block for any thriving community. I focused on fatherhood for several reasons mentioned in the book, but it is very pertinent for moms to understand a few thoughts on parenting from a dad’s point of view. Now, after writing over 350 posts on this blog, “Helping Fathers to be Dads”, I wanted to focus on the contents and values of "The Power of Dadhood".

Simply put, this is a mentoring book. It is a thought stimulator - an idea book. It’s your 'owner's manual' for kids. It's a reference book. It’s a discussion for parents. And, I say this with complete humility, it is an important book! I talk about issues within families that, if not handled carefully, can cause serious generational difficulties.

No society will succeed without a strong core of healthy families. Lacking this, will we continue to look for answers to problems which could have been avoided . Nothing is more important than your family! Every decision should be built around this thought. It's not easy, and that's why we parents must communicate with each other, sharing insights when they seem promising. With that introduction, here's what you'll find inside, "The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs".

What I want Fathers to know.

How important they are and why
That being there is the most important thing
That there are challenges, but they can be met
That they can be instrumental in building strong, independent children

What is the status of fatherhood today?

The Good – more fathers are becoming more involved in raising their children. Over the past half-century, fathers in America nearly tripled their child care time from 2.5 hours per week in 1965 to seven hours per week in 2011.
The Bad – 24 million children (34%) live absent their biological father. (Census Bureau stats)
The Ugly – the social and psychological impacts of absent fathers can be, and are, devastating!

I discuss challenges and how to meet them. A few examples:

Kids – chasing fears, building confidence, having the right attitude
Fathers – the obstacles, the risks, the consequences
Families – working together, defining roles, balance, communication, diversity vs cooperation

What is the Pyramid of Fatherhood? There are different levels of fatherhood interaction.

Being There – what that means
Fathering with Love – showing concern, listening, encouraging awareness, prevention is easier than healing, consistency, traditions
Building Strong Children – ethics, self-reliance, respect, education, kindness, responsibility, humility

The Pinnacle of Fatherhood: Here I discuss the characteristics that earn a Dad a Master’s Degree of Fatherhood

Having healthy relationships
Being a model for them: Kids watch and copy more than they listen!
Notes on Boys and Girls: Yes, they are different!
Watch and react: Pay attention and help them when they need help - but won’t ask
What is a five-tool success, and what does each tool require?
- Financial success
- Relationship success
- Intellectual success
- Physical success
- Spiritual success

The Seven Characteristics of a Successful Dad - Appendix A: What do these mean and how do you accomplish each?

Be Involved
Be Consistent
Be Loving
Be Principled
Be Fun
Be Balanced
Be Passionate

A Dads Self Inspection Checklist - Appendix B:

A detailed list of questions for multiple situations for you to evaluate yourself as a dad. Very useful to be assured you are doing the right things or to help you. This checklist is available for free and has been downloaded hundreds of times! Every question is addressed in my book.

Summary

I believe “The Power of Dadhood” to be one of the most simply written, down-to-earth books (also an audio book and Kindle book) to which any parent can easily relate! It is easy to read, no Ph.D. type talk, and written from both the eyes of a troubled child and a concerned father. I hope you read it, then keep it nearby, certainly not for me - but your family!

Please check out some of my articles on my “Helping Fathers to Be Dads” blog. Articles can be found in the column to the right.

#powerofdadhood

0 Comments

'The Dadhood Journey' Podcast by Dr. Jay Warren (with Me)

The Author and Dadhood Topics

Author

Categories

Do Whatever You Want! Success Demands It!

Where Does Violent Behavior Really Begin?

Being the Father Your Child Needs!

Archives

Categories

'The Dadhood Journey' Podcast by Dr. Jay Warren (with Me)

The Author and Dadhood Topics

Author

Categories

​Do Whatever You Want! Success Demands It!

​Where Does Violent Behavior Really Begin?

Being the Father Your Child Needs!

Archives

Categories

Do Whatever You Want! Success Demands It!

Where Does Violent Behavior Really Begin?