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The 7 "Be"s of Successful Dads

11/29/2013

Being a successful father is not an easy task! It's complicated because you'll find yourself asking ‘what are the answers’ when the answers are unique to every dad and every child. Instead of answers you can best rely on proven characteristics.

Although there are many, below are the characteristics I believe are the most important in being the best dad you can be. But none of these characteristics alone are sufficient and sometimes not even beneficial if not balanced.

Be Involved – Be involved from the moment of your children’s birth. You are a parent, not a figurehead. Be there for important events. Be available when they need support. Be strong for them when they are afraid. Be careful to consider your children when you prioritize your life events. Be a listener!

Be Principled – You are being watched by your children. They assume you are the model they should follow. You must have personal values that will guide them in the right direction. Be honest. Be moral. Be sure you have rules and limits.

Be Consistent – Do what you say and say what you'll do. When you have limits there will be rewards and consequences. Be reliable. Be a rock. Don't confuse your children. Explain to your children the reasons when you vary from the norm. Explain the situations that may cause you to relax or tighten the rules/limits.

Be Loving – Be gentle. Be kind. Be understanding. Be protective. Give hugs and pats on the back. Occasionally give them your complete attention. Sympathize when appropriate but show your concerns about improper behavior. That is also love.

Be Fun – Be a jokester, but don't force it. Surprise your children with occasional treats and adventures. Smile. Do crazy things like balancing a broom on your nose. Play catch. Pretend with them. Have tea in tiny plastic cups. Tease them in a kind, not demeaning way. Know and be kind to their friends.

Be Balanced – Possibly the glue that makes all the other 'Be's work is to be balanced. Be involved but not too involved. Be principled but don't be preachy. Be consistent but not inflexible. Be loving but don't be a pushover. Be fun but be respected. Know your own limits. You cannot be consistent if you don't have principles. You can't be loving or fun if you are not involved.

Be Passionate – Being a passionate father is a blessing for a man and his children. Being passionate comes natural to some men - but not to all. If you don't have a natural passion for fatherhood, then be passionate about reviewing this list of characteristics and thinking about how you can apply them. A father that has to work at being a dad can be a bigger hero for his children than those for which fathering comes easily.

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20 Memories of a Thankful Father

11/25/2013

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I am a truly blessed man and there are many things for which I am thankful! Some of them are selfish. Some are silly. Some are fleeting. But others are precious. Those are the memories and love of my children. As Thanksgiving approaches, I’d like to reflect on just a few of those precious memories.

I’m thankful for:

The time my wife persuaded me to go apple picking with my kids instead of watching my favorite football team play on a Sunday.
The laughs and giggles, the swings and slides, the sledding and snowmen, the parks and pools, the weekends and vacations.
Coaching my son's baseball team to a perfect record over three years (0-30). We let anyone and everyone play.
The notes I got from my daughters that thanked me for loving them.
The way my son followed me around with his pretend lawn mower and plastic hammers when I worked around the house.
The joy that a pair of plastic high heel shoes brought to my younger daughter upon my return from a business trip.
The look of my children’s eyes in my rear-view mirror as they awoke on a long car trip.
My infant son’s spit-up stains on the shoulder of my uniform jacket that were bluntly pointed out to me by my peers.
Cookie days during the holidays when my wife and daughters had flour on their faces, aprons around their waists, slippers on their feet and smell of cookies in the air.
The memory of my younger daughter playing in the dirt while her brother played baseball.
The sound of “Daddy” from the sweet voice of a toddler.
The artwork so proudly pulled from my children’s backpacks before even saying hello.
My older daughter going to football games with me before she got married.
The vision of my wife and kids sitting on the driveway when I came home from work.
Teaching all three kids to drive a stick shift.
Surviving…them and me.
The raw emotion of sending my son off to the Army.
The way my children have chosen careers that directly help others.
Walking my daughters down the aisle.
My son wanting to be like me.

If you are a dad, or mom, take a moment to reflect on how the simplest of life’s moments are those we cherish the most, especially when those moments are with our family. Happy Thanksgiving to all! Spend the holidays creating new family memories that will someday be irreplaceable.

Tell us what you are thankful for.

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Balancing Work and Family - A Fatherly Dilemma

11/21/2013

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What if you could do it all over again?

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post about having few regrets as a dad.
<http://michaelbyronsmith.com/1/post/2013/11/be-a-dad-with-few-regrets-do-it-now.html>

I came back to this thought upon seeing another blog about the five most common regrets of dying people. As an advocate for fatherhood, one of the five reasons caught my attention. Can you guess what it might be? I’ll reveal it and the others at the end of this article.

How many times do we hear something important, see something inspiring, think of something we want to do – and in the next second, we’re back into the fog of everyday life? We procrastinate, make excuses, conveniently forget about those potentially life altering moments. Sometimes we ignore an exciting idea or a touching thought for fear of criticism from others.

One moment we have adrenalin pumping though our veins, the next you’ll find the momentum of unconscious choices plodding you along the path of least resistance. This will happen over and over again until one day, you’ll find yourself moving on to your next great adventure - in another dimension!

A palliative care nurse, working with dying patients, typically spent between 3-12 weeks caring for each of them before they passed on. (Palliative care is an area of healthcare that focuses on relieving and preventing the suffering of patients.)

On a very positive note, she said “Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.” But she also knew their regrets!

One of those regrets, and the one I focused on is: “I wish I didn’t work so hard.”

The nurse goes on to say, “This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”

Wishing they didn’t work so hard was not an indictment of their successes or dreams. We should work hard for these things. It had to do with balance and the attention that was stolen from their children and families. It’s a tough decision, no doubt, because we men want the best for our families. But sometimes the best is time and attention over money and things. A father must at least consider the options. And in my opinion, lean towards family.

Oh, it would be unfair of me not to mention the other 4 most common regrets. See the blog post below for the entire article on the Regrets of the Dying.

<http://inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html>

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What If Families Were Run Like the Military?

11/17/2013

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I recently came across an old photo taken of me when I was in USAF pilot training. It reminded me that this was the first time in my life that there was structure. I came from a family of six children raised mostly by my mother, with very little help from my father. There were no rules. There were no goals. What there was, was a day-to-day struggle to survive.

We weren’t alone. Many families struggle for a myriad of reasons. But when one parent has to raise six children alone, then structure is even more important to have but even more difficult to achieve. Even traditional two-parent families often have issues with structure. But what do I mean by structure?

Since I’m an Air Force veteran, I’ll use the USAF as a model that families could try to emulate. For instance:

What if a family were like a crew in a large aircraft?

There would be a pilot, a co-pilot, a navigator, and depending on the type of aircraft, other positions on board to complete the mission.

A mission! What if a family had a mission? Helping each other achieve success and happiness is an example of a mission. Make your own family mission. What is it you want your family to achieve? When you have a crew (family), it would be optimal to have two pilots (parents) . The crew (family) could vary in size and gender.

This crew would have a commander with a second-in-command. They, and the rest of the crew, would have clear responsibilities.

Clear responsibilities! What if a family had clear responsibilities? Granted, the Commander in a family may shift from Mom to Dad depending on the mission. In aircraft, when control of the plane is changed from one pilot to the other, it is done without doubt. First pilot, “You have the aircraft.” Second pilot responds, “I have the aircraft”. The change in responsibility is never in question.

The rest of the crew also have designated responsibilities, all required to meet the mission.

The crew on this aircraft would be highly trained in their duties and on-board communication.

What if family members were highly trained in integrity, manners, cooperation, communication, dish-washing, etc.?

A USAF crew has a structure outside of its assigned aircraft. There are similar crews which belong to bigger organizations (Squadrons, Wings) that assist, mentor and train these crews. They learn from each other and have standards to meet.

What if a family had a structure outside their home to help? It could be grandparents, aunts/uncles, brothers/sisters, their church, or other organizations. Standards would be used only as measures to live by, not to make clones of us all.

The crew and the members of a crew are held responsible for their actions and rewarded for their excellence.

What if family members were held responsible for their actions? What if the standards we spoke of before were not met? Shouldn’t corrective action be expected and served? What if family members excelled or went beyond the call of duty? Wouldn’t being rewarded be a positive reinforcement?

In the Air Force, when a crew member does not pull his weight, the crew commander must take action towards that crew member. When the entire crew does not pull its weight, the crew commander is responsible for all.

What if parents were consistent in praise and punishment? If what one family member causes disruption in the whole family. Then the parents must take responsibility for allowing one member to disrupt all. Sometimes this is unfair. But many military commanders have lost their positions for actions of those under them. As a parent, you won’t lose your position, but you may you may your credibility.

In summary, having spent 29 years in the USAF and Air National Guard, I left with a real appreciation for the military. It is not perfect by any means, but it is structured and you are never at a loss for where to go for help. Everyone in the military has a common goal to work together to meet their goals. As a military member, you know where you stand and what is expected of you. If families had the structure and qualities above, with the added advantage of the most basic love for each other, then our problem children and societal issues would be minimized and in some instances, prevented altogether.

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The Father Absence Crisis in America

11/12/2013

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This little boy came into the world healthy and strong. But he has a lot ahead of him to remain that way...in both mind and spirit. He could be anyone's child. What wouldn't we do to make sure he has all the advantages he deserves?
However, too many times little girls and boys, like this one, live without their biological father. A tremendous disadvantage to having a successful life.

Clicking on the link below will provide you with the statistics of fatherless children -- and they will astonish you!

Thanks to www.fatherhood.org and their Father Factor blog for the data below.

Click on the following

There are many reasons to cite for the absence of fathers in the home. It should be mentioned that it is not always the desire or fault of the father. Some are rejected by the mother who has the advantage of being with the child from birth. Some men never had fathers themselves. Some are clueless and/or irresponsible. But all of them need mentoring, encouragement and education.

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The McDonald's Dilemma - Was Dad Right or Wrong?

11/9/2013

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Suit: NY Dad Criticized for Denying Son McDonald's
NEW YORK November 8, 2013 (AP)

Perhaps you saw this story. A father, separated from his wife, takes his son out to eat on Tuesdays. The son is almost five and, surprise, he likes McDonald's! They’ve been to McDonald's before but the father determines he has had too much fast food lately and suggests going anywhere but McDonald's. The nearly 5-year-old child refuses to go anywhere but McDonald's.

Ultimately the father tells his son that he can eat somewhere else, but if he insists on McDonald's, he won’t eat at all. The son threw a tantrum but dad did not give in, not wanting to reward bad behavior, and ends up taking his son back to his mother’s house without dinner.

Somehow, most likely because of the legal battles between mother and father, a psychologist gets involved stating this incident reveals the father is incapable of caring for his son.

My take on this?

First of all it is ridiculous to accuse the father of being an incapable father based on this incident. Perhaps there is more to the story but nothing else is revealed beyond the facts above. So let’s look at this incident and what the father may have done right, or wrong.

What the father did right.

·       The father is the person in charge. He should not be bullied by the demands or tantrums of his son. The father gave the son more than a reasonable choice of dinner options.

·       The father stuck to his word as he should. You cannot state something to your child then do something different, especially when it comes to discipline.

What the father may have done wrong.

·       Dad may have wrongly timed his ultimatum. When the father decided McDonald's wasn’t going to be where they were going, did he give the child time to absorb that change in his routine?

·       Judging by the tantrum, the father has not been consistent when it comes to his disciplining or actions in the past. This is likely also true of the mother.

·       The son is in the middle of a documented bitter battle between the two most important people in his life. There had to be a way to handle this night out together that would not cause more stress on the kid or the situation.

What you do as a parent may be correct at the moment (like the fathers stance on dinner), but you (he) may be guilty of allowing the situation to develop (e.g. not being consistent). In other words, you must have good parenting principles, not good parenting moments.

When you have positive parenting principles, they overshadow current mistakes. Good principles and consistent application of them will take you a long way towards a predictable, rewarding family life.

(See an earlier blog regarding parenting principles: “Guiding Principles for Parents – Got Any?” 10/24/2013)

If you have 4 minutes, watch my granddaughter manipulate her grandfather at a McDonald's a year and a half ago.

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Be a Dad with Few Regrets - Do It Now!

11/4/2013

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"Never regret what you do for love, only regret what you don't do."
~ Ali Bassam

"Hey Dad! You wanna play catch?"

Regrets. We all have them. When you are single, regrets often involve not working hard enough in school or giving up too early on a dream. After you are a parent, regrets almost always involve your family.

Do I catch up at work, or play catch with my son? Do I go to my daughter's dance class, or do I dance around with excuses not to? Only you can decide. But before you do, if there is any doubt, consider the thought below.

Just a quick reflection, thinking of the day, far in the future, when you are about to breathe your last breath, and you think, "I wish I had..............”

Whatever you fill in the blank with, do it now!

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The 7 "Be"s of Successful Dads

20 Memories of a Thankful Father

Balancing Work and Family - A Fatherly Dilemma

What If Families Were Run Like the Military?

The Father Absence Crisis in America

The McDonald's Dilemma - Was Dad Right or Wrong?

Be a Dad with Few Regrets - Do It Now!

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