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When Should the Few Disrupt the Many?

1/14/2022

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Have you heard of families that have to go to two or three different fast-food restaurants because not everyone in the family wants the same food? Let’s say you’re traveling by car and want to get some lunch. You all decide on Taco Bell, but little Freddie wants a Happy Meal at McDonalds. Do you go to both restaurants in the name of being an accommodating parent? Maybe, if McDonalds is next door. But there isn’t one at this exit (surprise!) so you travel two exits down to get the Happy Meal. Sometimes, this is okay. But if you always do this to satisfy their whims, you might create a monster.

In my last blog post, I discussed life not being fair. I’d like to continue along that theme. The question here is why should a large majority give up their needs to satisfy a small minority, and when? The short answer, I believe, has to do with reasonable rights. As a country, I believe the Founding Fathers did a good job in this area, balancing the needs of all. That’s why we have a House of Representatives (representing the many) and a Senate (protecting the few) which check and balance each other.
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Getting back to the family, if one member requests something different from everyone else, they have that right - IF specific reasons or needs exist. It could be they have allergies, diet needs, or a true revulsion (a rarity). If, however, they are only in a mood for something different, it’s not right to bear upon everyone else. There is something for Little Freddie at Taco Bell. He’s eaten there before.

Now let us go from a family level to a societal level. When should small groups impact much larger groups of citizenry in a negative or troublesome way? Again, it depends on rights and who defines those rights. The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) is a perfect example of a much smaller group of citizens causing a large group of citizens to be affected for the needs of that smaller group. The impacts are small in some ways, large in others, such as building requirements, heavy costs. But it is the right thing to do, and few would argue that point.

In the last few years, however, small, organized and unorganized groups are causing serious disruptions to the many that may not be necessary. I say ‘may not be necessary’ allowing for reasons yet unknown to me. I will mention a few.
  1. There has been a large cry by a few to defund the police. The few get satisfaction for real and perceived police misconduct. The many lose important community needs for safety, and increased crime.
  2. There have been sexually explicit books allowed in many elementary schools. For the few, this liberates certain lifestyle choices. For the many, children have been exposed to pornographic language and depictions before they or their parents are ready to touch upon a sensitive topic in the way they choose.
  3. The Black Lives Matter organization wants to tear down the idea of the nuclear family. The few get something from this for what I’m truly unsure. Of course, we know all families cannot be nuclear. The many are impacted by the real statistics that show more poverty, drugs, crime, and teen mothers occurring in non-nuclear families. Certainly, some non-nuclear families are very successful.
  4. Many District Attorneys in major cities are not prosecuting crimes. The few are claiming this is necessary for equity, protecting criminals’ rights. The many are impacted by higher crime, more expensive insurance, and a greater exposure of highly unethical acts to foul a neighborhood, culture, and society.
  5. A culture exists of canceling the free speech and activities with whom a few disagree. For these few, they are gaining leverage in their ideals. For the many, free speech is being restricted in US and some are losing rights and an their chosen way of living.
  6. Biological males who identify as female are being allowed in women’s restrooms and also competing physically with biological females. For the few, they are living a lifestyle more comfortable for them. For the many, this is uncomfortable, embarrassing, and intrusive. Or, in sports, this philosophy takes away recognition for truly outstanding physical performances by biological women.
  7. There has even recently been some defense of pedophiles! One Harvard professor says the term, 'pedophile' should be replaced with ‘minor-attracted person’. A recent reference in USA Today, since retracted, defended pedophiles as not always being active, and that non-podophiles defile children too, etc. For the few who have some sympathy for the sickness of pedophilia, they assume some necessary awareness, and seek societal help. For the majority, nothing is more important than protecting their children from predators!
These are examples of the few who impact, or affect, the many in ways that hurt the majority. Is there a ‘right’ to defund the police? Is there a ‘right’ to place books of explicit sexual activity in elementary schools? Is there a ‘right’ to eliminate or downplay nuclear families? Is there a ‘right’ of criminals not to be prosecuted? I know there is a right to free speech! Is there a ‘right’ for biological males to enter a women’s restroom? Maybe they have a right to their own restroom, but do the many have to pay for it? And no one has a right to hurt a child, but a pedophile has a ‘right’ to get help from a professional!

While I have my thoughts on this, and the right to say them, you may have different thoughts, and you are welcome to them. But we should consider with much discussion when a few can have leverage over the many when no specific rights are violated. The few may feel this is not fair, and they may be right. But life is not fair! When choices must be made that are not fair, the edge should go to the majority, especially when rights are not being violated
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​A Beautiful Way to Parent

11/1/2021

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​“Beauty is only skin deep.”
That’s what they say, and it’s true. 
Substance is what’s most important, 
But one should give beauty its due.

​mbs



If you make breakfast for your kids, you're being a parent. If you make pancakes with strawberry eyes and a whipped cream smile, that's beautiful parenting. It's that little extra effort that stands out. 

To me, beauty is the truest sign of caring! The beauty I'm referring to can be visual, of course, but it can also be an act, a thought, or an introduction of soul into a lifeless situation.

I’ve been fortunate enough to have visited Europe a few times. What really stuns me about that part of the world is the splendor of its architecture. There seems to be an appreciation for beauty there that is lacking in many US cities and towns. Cinder blocks can do an excellent job if all one needs is a reliable, safe structure, but it gives nothing to the soul. Any church, mosque, or synagogue will serve its congregation. But those structures that are magnificent bring a depth of meaning to worshipers that a converted strip-mall, storefront ‘house of worship’ cannot.

I visit coffee shops and see people come and go. I can’t judge them or know what they may have accomplished. I do notice, however, how they dress and carry themselves. I particularly appreciate a senior man or woman who takes pride in their appearance. It tells me something positive about them.
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When watching homes being rehabbed on TV, I notice the rehabbers check the structure, heating, and cooling, etc. to be sure the house is safe and sound. The house is worthless if not safe and livable. But the house will go unsold until a designer makes it visually and emotionally appealing.

Art may serve to convey a message or capture a scene, but without beauty, or an attention-getting setting, any message will be lost , any scene unnoticed. Art serves beauty, and beauty serves art.

A rainbow has no substance outside of water molecules -- but rainbows are noticed! We can’t touch or use a rainbow; yet we watch them, sing and write about them, and see them as symbols of goodness.

The beauty of nature captures us all! The duty of a flower is simply to be pleasing to the eye. There is beauty in a desert, a wheat field, a canyon, or a mountain. But the more beautiful the scene, the more people search for and write about it.

There can be beauty in the spoken or written word. A speaker or author without this talent will go unnoticed.  “I walk in the park,” gets across an action. But, “I often go to the park to watch people, to smell the grass, and throw rocks in the pond,” is deeper. The first sentence is the substance, but the second sentence places beauty within the substance.

I like to notice things. When the day is over, and beauty was a part of it, I am a much happier, richer person. So I say, “YES”! Beauty is only skin deep, but beauty is the icing on the cake, the sun shining through the flag, the glimmer of the lake, the smile on a child’s face, and the spice of my life.

So why do I talk about beauty?

This may not seem like a discussion about parenting and fatherhood. But it remains a lesson for this reason. There are practical and necessary responsibilities of parents that are basic and vitally important. However, to be a successful family you must bring beauty into your home! It is essential to show both substance and splendor as a parent. You should avoid being a 'rainbow mother' -- beauty with no substance. Nor should you be a 'cinder-block father' – protective, practical, and stoic. Instead, be that ‘work of art’ parent with a substantial and beautiful message to share. Or be a solidly built home with character and appeal making it a pleasant place to be. Write or speak words to your kids that excite them, challenge them, and encourage them. Mix those beautiful messages in with those soul-less messages such as, “Do your homework,” or “Clean up your room.”  Balance!

Summary

Balance is a key maxim in parenting. As an example, a dad can be stern and maintain the love of his children if he has also revealed the beauty of his character. Being cheerful and fun is the beautiful side of parenting. Every facet of parenting has a responsible, substantive aspect that can be more effective with some beauty mixed in. We’ve seen and read too many stories where a father is at odds with his child, a child that he loves dearly. This occurs when there is no balance to the substantive parenting the father sees as his duty, resulting in a weak connection between the two. Without some beauty and love expressed in a family, the necessary and less enjoyable responsibilities of parenting will be much more difficult.

#powerofdadhood

 Read, The Power of Dadhood, by Michael Byron Smith

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​Keeping Your Children Balanced from Unwelcomed Ideology

2/22/2021

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Photo of granddaughter by author
Your kids are malleable. They have their inborn dispositions towards life and living, but they certainly can be molded by people and ideas. Obviously, it’s the parents that have the most leverage guiding their children - as it should be. We may disagree with how other parents do their job, but as long as they are not cruel, evil, or unbearable, it’s not our place to judge. For instance, I would not raise my children as Mennonites do, but I certainly respect their customs and beliefs. I have no right to criticize.

In our busy lives, especially when our children are young and we struggle to support them appropriately, we leave our children to others to teach a myriad of things. For the most part, this all well and good! A variety of views and exposure to those with different strengths is an advantage. But it is essential to know what they are being taught when you, the parent, are not involved.

Our values vary regarding religion, customs, and politics at a minimum. When others meet your values, there are no issues. However, there will be those that your children come into contact that have differing values. You should be aware of those things to the degree you care, and you should certainly care.

To give examples, I use my values, not expecting anyone to agree with all or any of them. Many will not, and those folks would not want me passing my values to their children. Just remember the title and not my specific examples below.

  • Some schools and social sites are teaching that objectivity is racist – that everything is subjective. In other words, there are no facts, just opinions. Since I believe in both objectivity and subjectivity, I would want my children to know the difference, not that objectivity doesn’t exist except for racists. See if it is being taught to your kids, whether you agree or not.
  • Our federal government says it is fair and legal for a biological male who identifies as female to compete physically. I believe that it is unfair for biological females. I want to discuss my reasoning for my view with my children. If others validate this principle, I want to know this, or it may never occur to bring it up. Left alone, I would think the explanation is unnecessary
  • The Smithsonian had an exhibit that said Success Principles are White principles. Punctuality, hard work, initiative, Standard English, planning for the future were all White values. In fact, a Black child that studies would indicate that they wanted to be White. To be honest, I thought this was fake news, but it was real. Any Black parent that does not believe these Success Principles only belong to Whites must speak up
  • There are areas in the progressive community that say biology isn’t ‘real’? I don’t want that taught to my children or grandchildren.
  • Many schools are teaching the 1619 Project. Countless historians have noted this as having many inaccurate conclusions. It states that US history began in that year when slaves were brought to the future USA.  This project disavows our founding fathers, and 1776 as our nation’s birth, claiming the US was built because of and only for slavery. While slavery was sadly apart of US history, it ignores the fact that slavery was rampant everywhere since Biblical times. It also ignores the Constitution’s contributions and the fact that America has grown as a positive force for the world. I want to know if my children are taught 1619 history. You should, too, so you can judge for yourself and for your children.
  • I value any life. But I also appreciate what we have in the United States that makes so many others want to come here. To do immigration the best way for all, including past immigrants, we must do it in an organized manner. Organization and control will not exist with open borders. And it can be made worse by promising things to potential immigrants who don’t want to go through a legal process. That’s my view. I want my children to know my opinion because others will tell them their logic. I do like them also to know that legal immigration will make America stronger!
  • A professor has designed a litmus test for eight degrees of White Privilege. I don’t want anyone to be a racist, but to categorize Whites in degrees blames all. And anyone who is Black cannot be a racist because you have to have ‘privilege’ to be racists. I believe this is more divisive than inclusive. While true White Supremacists exist, the term has exploded to include people who don’t actively fight for people of color. While I support people of color in all endeavors, I do not carry signs and protest in person. But some would say I’m racist because fighting it is not on my daily agenda.  If you want this taught to your children or not, be aware it is out there.
  • I don’t want my children or grandchildren to think Lincoln and many others were bad for America. When children see their statues torn down or schools renamed, it teaches them that their contributions should not be appreciated. I would not let my children go to a school that took Lincoln’s name off the building. If there is a legitimate grievance about his legacy, include it with the wonderful deeds he accomplished, like ending slavery. Kids cannot fathom the circumstances these demeaned men and women (see Dianne Feinstein) worked within.
  • Equity is not the same as equality, but even our Federal government is teaching this. Everyone should have equal rights, access, and opportunity. But equity means the same outcome for all. There are situations in health and disabilities, for instance, where we strive for equity. But there should not be equity (equal outcome) for grades, sports, or any true and fair competition. I want my children to understand this and the differences.
  • I believe in the strength of the nuclear family. Others do not. Disney has dropped Kermit the Frog for crimes against certain groups - really? Some think having to show your work in Math is racist. Why? Lucky guesses or cheating will not get children anywhere. Seattle schools teach that treating everyone the same is racist. Maybe there are reasons not to treat everyone the same. I don’t treat my kids the same because they are different. But when you do treat people the same, I don’t believe racism is usually involved.

I want teachers to teach my kids HOW to think, not WHAT to think. Is that too much to ask? If you’re going to be involved in your children's education and lifestyle choices, then be knowledgeable of their reading and social media, know their friends, and understand what is being taught in their school - from preschool to college. They will eventually make up their own minds as they should. However, you have a right as a parent to let them know your views and agree or disagree with the others who impact their lives. Remember the title, even if you disagree with my values.


#powerofdadhood
Please consider my book, The Power of Dadhood
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An Ideal American Family?

5/18/2020

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photo by the author
We all can admit that a perfect family doesn’t exist. Being human makes that an impossible ideal. Beyond that, what may be perfect in one family is not so in another. But is there an ideal family that most can agree to, not perfect but desirable? Not likely, but it is something to discuss.

I’d like to explore one vision of the American family in which the success of the children is most likely to occur. Many, but not all, believe it is a situation for which all families should strive to thrive. Before I go on, some caveats. Any child raised in a loving, nurturing atmosphere is a fortunate child. I respect and champion the efforts of single parents whose burdens are doubled. And caring, compassionate, adoptive parents, including same-sex parents, who are particular heroes when they pull a child out of an institution and into a loving home. Single and adoptive parenting is a result of situations out of the child’s control. But if all else were equal and a child did have a voice, would they not want their natural mother and father to raise them?

Of course, we must assume the natural parents to be loving, kind, and capable. I could stop right there! What else could we ask for our children? But not all parents have each of these characteristics. Even capable parents must also be loving, or there will be an emotional void.

Birth parents or not, what is best for children is living and working together to raise them. These parents would have some knowledge of parenting techniques through reading, observation, and mentoring from others. They would treat all their children fairly, but not the same, for all children have differing needs. They would know when to help their children and when to leave them to their own solutions, allowing them to get stronger, not weaker. They would listen to their children, but not be controlled or fooled by them. They would let their children be free to explore, but with a very watchful eye. Parental rules would be fair and explained but consistently adhered to until circumstances required the rules to change.

These parents would be fun but not pushovers, involved in all aspects of their kids’ lives, but not obtrusive. They would have moral standards demonstrated by how they acted and reacted to daily life -know their children are watching. Their love for their children would be clearly demonstrated, and expectations for their behavior clearly defined. Both mother and father would be nurturing - preparing them to be responsible adults.

The father would be a kind man, one his daughters look up to as a standard for other men to treat them. He is also the male role model his sons need. The mother is the glue that keeps the family together, both a female role model and the feminine touch all children need. Although not always practical, or even desirable for some couples, it would be beneficial if one parent could stay home with the children until all were in elementary school. Both of these parents would be educated, at least through high school. Ideally, both the father and mother were raised in healthy atmospheres themselves, both having their parents as male and female role models.

Unfortunately, this is a fairy tale for too many families. When I propose this kind of family, I occasionally get pushback, maybe because it is a fairy tale for some. Perhaps it is too idealistic for others, but why reach for anything less? Other parents think I’m taking unwelcomed shots at them. Single mothers often chase the fathers away even when the father wants to be involved - and maybe there is a good reason for her, but often not for the child. There are fathers, like mine, who ignore their parental responsibilities out of fear, obstruction, lack of confidence, or selfishness. Same-sex parents think I’m against them, which isn’t true. They may be the best parents for which that child could ever hope. But when parents are of the same sex/gender, they should consider having their child exposed to a trusted and willing friend opposite their sex, necessary for their child’s identity. (Note: As a boy raised mostly around women. I believe it contributed to a lack confidence around other males for many years.)

Summary

Most parents do their best to raise their children with the resources they have. There are times when parents make bad decisions that adversely impact their children. Sometimes there are no good choices from which to choose. But there are always opportunities to be the best parent(s) possible starting at the moment you realize something must change.
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First, and most importantly, it takes awareness of the situation. Then it takes reflection, research, and looking for help. Lastly, it takes total commitment, working towards but not expecting the ideal. The ideal being an environment of love, splashes of fun, principles of expected behavior, a hallmark of consistency, genuine, sincere involvement, balance in all things, and a deep passion towards parenting. Nothing said here is dependent on the description of the parents, just parental characteristics. When parents pass that environment down to their children, it makes it so much easier for them to do the same. Good luck!

​#powerofdadhood
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​Why You Shouldn’t Treat All Kids the Same

3/9/2020

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In my previous Helping Fathers to be Dads blog article, I published ‘A Dads Creed.’ One of the principles was ‘do not treat all your kids the same.’ I’d like to expand on that thought a bit because, on the surface, it seems like the right thing to do. However, the reason we don’t treat all kids the same is that they aren’t the same.

I would like to tell you about two families. In one family were three sisters who had irresponsible parents into drugs and alcohol. The girls had little guidance outside of their grandmother. All are now adults, except one who has recently died of heart failure at 45 years brought on by drug use. Her life was also one of irresponsibility, having children of her own out of wedlock but not raising them. Her older sister is also a drug abuser, living on a disability income due to her lifestyle. Her future remains bleak, having close calls with her health, all self-imposed. The youngest of the three took a completely different path. She chose responsibility for herself, went to college, and became a teacher. She is now happily married to a nice man, and they have beautiful children.

In the second family were three children, two boys, and a girl. This family appeared to be normal and responsible. The father was a coach for their sports teams, and the mom was lovely and caring. They even were kind to their children’s friends who were not so fortunate, taking them camping and to various activities at their expense. This family seemed to have many advantages doing the right things for their kids. However, the oldest boy was shot to death, being in a place he should not have been. The younger boy was deeply into drugs and died of an overdose at 40 years of age. The daughter’s life, while not perfect, did not get into the troubled her brothers did, but lives a lonely life.

Unpredictably, the youngest daughter of the first family succeeded despite her upbringing. Also unpredictable in the second family was the fate of the two boys, both failing in society and dying tragically. I don’t know if either set of parents treated all their children the same. I would guess they did – especially the first family, not giving proper attention to any of the three. The second family did many things right as parents, on the surface, but did they really know their children as individuals?

Of the six, the youngest girl in the first dysfunctional family was the most successful. Why? Some children indeed succeed in life despite serious disadvantages, while others fail while seemingly having a proper start in life. But that is not my point. I use these examples to explain that all parents should recognize that they are raising individuals. Sometimes you get lucky – sometimes you do not. It shouldn’t be left up to chance.

Some parenting techniques are well proven. My favorites are being involved in their children’s lives, being fun when appropriate, consistency, having principles, being loving, having some passion for parenting, and being balanced in all of those areas. But the balance is not between the children – treating them equally; it’s your balanced treatment of each child as an individual. Your involvement may need to be less (or more) depending on the child. Being consistent is your consistent treatment with each child – so they know what to expect from you. Your principles, love, and passion should be equal for all.

​So why do we treat each child fairly but differently? Let’s tell it like it is;
  • Some kids need a push while some need to be reeled in.
  • Some kids are book smart, while some are smart in daily life.
  • Some kids are extroverts, while some are introverts.
  • Some kids are leaders, while some are followers.
  • Some kids have inborn principles, while others need more direction.
  • Some kids are over-active, while others are docile.
  • Some kids are sensitive, while others act tough.
  • Some kids are creative, while others are doers.
  • Some kids are loving, while some are more stand-offish.
  • Some kids are cute, while some are not as cute.
  • Some kids trust too little while others trust too much.
  • Some kids are lazy, while others get things done.
  • Some kids want attention, while others don’t want any.
  • Some kids are loveable more than others.
  • Some kids are open to learning, while others resist it.
  • Some kids are independent, while others are needier.

​Many kids have aspects on both sides of the characteristics above. Most are one a sliding scale from left to right that often moves. All kids are a combination of these characteristics, and those combinations are in the multiples of thousands. The list above is why parenting is so tricky and should never be practiced casually or cavalierly. What you sincerely want to do is to treat all your children (and everyone) as fairly as you can. But you really won’t be doing that if you treat them all the same. Good luck!
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#powerofdadhood

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​25 Ways to Fail Your Children

2/24/2020

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Funny thing. Successful people have the most failures in life. For instance, failure is a key in lifting weights. If you can't bench press 100 pounds, you try 75 pounds or lower until you succeed, working your way back to 100 pounds and more! Failure is an excellent tool for learning because of the tremendous feedback it provides.

However, some failures are difficult from which to recover, because the feedback comes much too late - if noticed at all.  One failure that concerns me personally, and should concern everyone, is the failure of some parents to raise their children properly, particularly during their early years. See bad advice #23 below. 
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  • The early years, especially the first three years of life, are very important for building the baby's brain. Everything she or he sees, touches, tastes, smells or hears helps to shape the brain for thinking, feeling, moving and learning.
  • From birth to age 5, a child's brain develops more than at any other time in life. And early brain development has a lasting impact on a child’s ability to learn and succeed in school and life. The quality of a child’s experiences in the first few years of life – positive or negative – helps shape how their brain develops. (Click on bullets  for their references)

But you’re not off the hook when your child reaches kindergarten. There is so much fine-tuning to do. Kids learn more from what you do than what you say. So, with tongue deeply implanted in my cheek, here is advice on how to be a bad parent.

How to be a bad parent
  1. Ignore who your children spend time with. They know what they’re doing.
  2. Show them how easy it is to give up on dreams and projects. You know, like you did.
  3. Be indecisive because something better may come along while you’re chillin’.
  4. Make excuses for missing their ballgames, plays, dance recitals, etc. That will teach them how to make excuses themselves.
  5. Dispel and discourage any passions they may have. You don’t want them to fail, do you? Besides, it may cost money to allow them to follow those passions!
  6. Don’t introduce them to books or travel with them. When they tell you about fairies, princesses, superheroes, or having their super skills, let them know that stuff isn’t real. Those pretend tea-parties are such a bore!
  7. Assume your kids’ hearing and eyesight are both perfect. They would tell you if it wasn’t. Wouldn’t they?
  8. Argue with your spouse in front of them. That will teach them proper negotiation skills.
  9. When your children get frustrated, tell them to just give up. It’s so much easier for them, and especially for you!
  10. Don’t help them with schoolwork. If they can’t figure it out, your kids will learn to avoid that topic.
  11. When your kids are afraid of something, keep them from it. Better yet, use those fears against them when they bother you.
  12. Don’t be fun. Kids have friends for that. Your time is too valuable.
  13. Change your mind about what they can and cannot do. Change the rules. That will keep them on their toes!
  14. Don’t let your children look up to successful role models. Don’t they think you’re good enough!
  15. Feed them fast food. It saves so much time, and your kids will love you more!
  16. Respect their privacy on the computer and smartphones. It keeps them out of your hair.
  17. Tell your child they’ll never amount to anything. That will inspire them to do the opposite, right?
  18. If they are confident, let them know failure is just a stumble away.
  19. Tell them not to stand out as a good example or to raise their hand in class. Other kids don’t like it when you make them look bad.
  20. Tell them not to expect too much from life. Disappointment is SO disappointing!
  21. Don’t restrict their behavior. Being disrespectful or ungrateful shows independence. 
  22. Don’t tell your children you love them. Of course, they know that because you let them do whatever they want to do.
  23. When they are babies and toddlers, they won’t remember any nice things you did like holding them or reading to them. Save nice things for when they are older so you can get credit.
  24. Make fun of others. Your kids will think you are clever.
  25. Never challenge them to be better. Why make things more difficult for them?

Lastly and seriously, DON’T USE NEGATIVE LANGUAGE like this article! BE POSITIVE AND ENCOURAGING when talking to your children!

SARCASM IS JUST A TOOL FOR WRITING, NOT FOR RAISING CHILDREN.

Summary

Of course, the vast majority of parents do a great job. But possibly, SOME of us may be guilty (maybe without realizing it) of SOME of these 25 pieces of bad advice. Be there, be aware, and be fair!

​#powerofdadhood


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​Help is not always Good; Limitations are not always Bad!

10/14/2019

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When we have kids, we want them to be happy and prosperous. That’s a wonderful goal, but the problem is how to go about that. Some parents grease the skids for their children, thinking it will make success more likely for them. Other parents want their children to succeed but don’t do much to make that happen, either by choice (usually unconsciously) or inability in terms of time or money. A complication to all this question of nurturing is the variation in personalities. Some kids need a kick in the rear, some need simple encouragement, and others are a real challenge.

In my book, The Power of Dadhood, I bring up a question that you should ask yourself before you decide whether or not to help your child in any endeavor. It doesn’t matter if they are a toddler or an adult. The question is this, “Will your help make them stronger or weaker”? I ask this is because both are possible. One attains strength in the face of resistance. Helping too much at the wrong time will rob them of the resistance they need to overcome an obstacle and, therefore, rob them of attainable strength.

On the other hand, not helping enough can rob them of an opportunity to meet a resistance in the first place. The factor is often fear! Fears, unaddressed, can be fatal to success and happiness. Holding a child’s hand, either literally or figuratively, can be the help that will make them stronger by assisting them in conquering a particular fear. This help is accomplished with small, carefully managed, chunks of exposure.

As a child, I had a fear of people. This fear wasn’t actually of people, but the fear of not being accepted by people. I could have easily defeated my fear with exposure, but without exposure there would be no victory over this fear. Because I faced this fear alone, it took years to overcome. Help from a mentor would have made me stronger in this example, not weaker.

To those who grease the skids for kids, I say this. Would anyone be happy without some limitations? Of course, we don’t necessarily want limitations, and any worthwhile individual will work to remove them. But if we have nothing to challenge us, it is as if we were in a utopia. My dictionary defines ‘utopia’ as an ideal place or state. What is more ideal than having no limitations?

My answer to the above question is this - ‘having limitations’ is more ideal! Happiness is tough to define or even achieve. What can be done to work around the notion of happiness is to have a challenge or responsibility. Having a mission in life will give one focus. The best purposes in life are those that confront limitations. Defeating limitations is a pathway to self-respect if not happiness. Don’t take away the challenge of a limitation when your child can beat it on his or her terms.

Summary

Helping someone is good or bad, depending on when and how one carries it out. Limitations are useful when you can rally to defeat them. Parents are good-to-awesome when they can judge what their children need and let then find it themselves whenever possible. But parents also need to be there to catch a child in a fall and provide assistance to get them back on track. It takes a lot of thought to be a good parent. Having an idea of when helping a child will make them stronger or weaker is vital.

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​Do Whatever You Want! Success Demands It!

8/19/2019

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PictureThe author's 4 yr old granddaughter
(This is the type of conversation a parent should have with their child when they deem it appropriate) 

Do whatever you want! Sounds nice, and it is! But doing what you wish to requires responsibility and boundaries. I’ll get to the limitations later, but first, doing what you want is very important to your success!

Some artists and authors couldn’t manage a grocery store, and grocery store managers often can’t draw a decent circle or write an original sentence. If one were born into a family that managed grocery stores but had an artistic flair and desire to be creative, they could be coaxed or fooled into thinking they must do what their parents do. They also may have been convinced that art is a waste of time, especially financially. Hearing this over and over, and not being understood by others, could give one serious doubts.

I know a man who became a priest at the urging of his parents. His parents were very proud of him! He, too, believed he wanted to be a priest – until he went to the seminary and found his enthusiasm lacking compare to the other students. Maybe he wanted something else in life but never gave himself the freedom to explore those thoughts. When he finally did, he was wearing a clerical collar and knew it would devastate his parents if he were to give it up.

My three adult children all earned a college degree. My two daughters wanted an advanced education, and they went at it enthusiastically. My son, however, is a hands-on kind of guy. Formal education was a challenge to him, not because he wasn’t smart; he is very much so. He went to college because we expected of him. At first, he went to engineering school because I did. But that wasn’t him. Then he joined Air Force ROTC because I did. But that wasn’t him. I never once suggested either of those avenues. He had no plan of his own because college wasn’t his thing. My wife and I fought him for two years to keep it up, to graduate. As parents, we thought it best, but after two years of pushing, we decided we had to stop.

“Okay, do what you want, Mike. Quit if that’s what you need to do”, we told him. No more would we pressure him to stay. As a result, he remained in school and got his Bachelor’s Degree. He complained no more because it was his decision! Now, in two years, he will retire from the Army as a helicopter pilot and highly ranked Warrant Officer. He became successful because he did what HE wanted to do.

The Limitations

Of course, you can’t do whatever you want. There are laws, ethics, common sense, and others to consider. You should never cheat, steal, or lie to get what you want. That’s obvious. Be careful of following the crowd, fads, peer pressure, and being too accepting of other’s views. Remember that you must sometimes forfeit what you want for the better of loved ones. As an example, don’t be out with your buddies if your child has a concert or a play. Always consider others when making decisions for yourself, but don’t be a slave to those considerations. It is mostly just common sense, but we don’t always use it, and some don’t have any. You owe it to loved ones to communicate with them your hopes and dreams. They will most likely help you!

Success/Happiness

Financial success may come even in a circumstance where you aren’t happy. However, it’s not very likely you will enjoy it. Happiness will never happen just because you’re successful, or just because you made someone else happy while going against your desires. You can be successful in a dishonest way, but that will not make you happy unless you’re a sociopath. You have to be your persona within the limitations by which we all live. In short, happiness is success! Making a positive difference is success! The best there is! So do whatever you want – but remember the social limitations. Recognizing those limitations may help you to reach your happiness!

​#powerofdadhood



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​When Kids Say "No Fair"

7/29/2019

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Picture
 Kids love to say “No fair!” when decisions or incidents don’t go their way. But is life fair? The further we are from being in control, the less fair life can be. Within the family, life can be and usually is fairer but not always in the eyes of the children. They are experiencing life and learning how it works. It’s a good lesson to emphasize within the family how life can often be unfair. Certainly, life is not always fair in the big world in which they will be living - so spare your children the shock!

It can be a depressing thought when someone learns life is not fair. Christians teach that “good works” alone will not get them into heaven. On the face of it, not being rewarded for being a good person seems like the ultimate example of unfairness. But looking for a reward is not why you should be helpful and kind. Some do good things, mostly for recognition. When we see people that don’t seek recognition for the good they do, we appreciate them even more. Being treated fairly for being kind is not the goal, nor should it be expected. Being in control of your life is much more important than looking for fairness.

Acceptance is Freeing

When anyone accepts that life is not fair and never should be expected to be so, it eases their resentment, it takes away victim mentality, we accept the fact we can’t fix everything or help everyone, good things are appreciated, bad situations are less stressful and we can move on quite quickly from disappointment.

Fairness is a gift, not a right. While laws give us our rights, not expecting ‘fairness’ gives us our peace. Fairness is in our lives, only as we live it and accept it from others. Fortunately, there is a lot of fairness in our world, and we are blessed to have it. Generally, we take turns, allow merging traffic, return lost or forgotten items, watch out for others, pay our taxes, help our neighbors, and more. But we are not equally smart, fast, healthy, creative, diligent, or beautiful. Sometimes that will seem unfair, and maybe it is. But remember the Serenity Prayer. It says all you have to know to be able not to be burdened by unfairness.

Summary

Life is not fair! And the sooner you teach this to your children, the more they will learn to live with this fact. In the process, they will be less angry, more accepting, and more apt to be in control of their situation in life. This lesson is one of the best ways to teach and achieve maturity in those you love and want to be successful. It's a lesson that must be taught over and over until it sinks in.

​#powerofdadhood

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