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You Get Back What you Give

6/18/2023

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An aspect of being a parent hit me hard when my wife, Kathy, passed away a few weeks ago. Her health was suffering prior, but her death was unexpected and shocking. Only 70 years old, we had spent 53 years together, 47 years married. While I remain at a loss, I am supported by my son, daughters, their husbands, and grandchildren, which I will expand upon later.

At first, I was in shock and amid great activity - making arrangements, constantly surrounded by words of compassion and foods of comfort. Many who loved Kathy were around, sharing their sadness and stories with my family. Her service was attended by so many whose lives she had touched. It was almost joyous given the remembrances of her. After the formalities were over, we had a luncheon for all. It was a good day in the sense that it was a wonderful celebration of her life.

Then, everyone went back to their daily lives, to routines that were normal for them. That’s when the reality had a now open path that hit me hard! The silence of the house, the wonderful dinners she cooked were no more. I missed our conversations and even our arguments. Our new kitchen, which she had dreamed of for years, was being constructed as she lay in the hospital for four months. I gave her updates, and she told me NOT to pick out our new stove until she could go with me. Now, her beautiful kitchen is finished, and she never saw it. But I see it every day, and it reminds me of her in both good and very sad ways.

Overall, I am doing just fine, not great, but why would I be doing great? I worry about my children having lost their mother and four grandchildren for whom every moment of her recent life was dedicated! She basically clothed them and created traditions they all loved. I’m sure, like me, their emotions erupt out of nowhere with the realization of her absence, which cannot be undone. And that realization hits the hardest, like a hammer to the forehead, something impossible to undo. But I then consider all the adventures we had together with our family. They were wonderful! They happened, and they too cannot be undone. Death is as natural as being born. Kathy lived a good life and much longer than many who die tragically young. She will never suffer the fear of a child’s or grandchild’s sickness. She left us without having to worry beyond what normal mothers/grandmothers do. Thoughts like these are helpful, if not a remedy for the sadness.

Now for my family. Every parent knows the difficulties of parenting. Enforcing rules, trying to be fair and consistent. Not always sure when to help your children or to let them flounder on their own to learn. We know the worries that keep us up at night, the frustrations of not feeling like we’re getting through to them. We give up trips, shiny objects, peaceful evenings, and spend lots of time and money on them. But my God, if you raise them to be decent, loving, human beings, you will want and need them around to return to you the love and help you will need when you are older.

I still have my family to live for, to help, and to rely on. How could I have got through Kathy’s death without their support, love, and help? They were worth every investment in time, money, and irritation as Kathy and I raised them. Our children will look out for us when we can’t think or walk as fast as we used to. They will protect us from social predators, from making bad decisions, and give us unconditional love–just as we did for them when they needed it. I’m a healthy 72 years old and very independent. But I am dependent on their love, and I know they have my back. That path opened again as I write, and it’s good to let it out. Thankfully, tears don’t stain a keyboard as they do paper, where the ink would bleed into pools of blue.
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Many young people today are deciding not to have children, or maybe just one. That’s not a good decision for society in my opinion, but it may be for them. Also, no one has or should have kids for the purpose of using or depending on them in old age! But aging without a family is something I could not do very well, and I don’t recommend it. Give of yourself as a parent, and it will be given back generously. Being born, living, and dying are all part of nature’s plan. It’s my belief that having a family is also. Thank you, God, for mine!!
 
Michael Byron Smith
Author of "The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs"
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​Hiking with Daisy

2/6/2023

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(Written on a note pad around 20 years ago, and found this week. It has little to do with Dadhood, more to do with being a husband. Something that rings even more true today.)

I walked into nature enjoying the peace, looking up at the blue sky through the random limbs and changing leaves of color. I spotted three bucks wearing stately crowns of antlers and enjoying what time of year provided them. My dog, Daisy, alternately followed me, led me, and darted off every so often in a futile chase of a squirrel or chipmunks; the bucks she respected. It was a beautiful fall day with unusual pockets of cool and warm air as I passed through them.

Today would be a longer walk because we had daylight enough. Daisy and I took a winding trail that scaled a steep hill separating us from the Meramec River and its lush valley. I would step aside for the occasional biker, scolding Daisy when she wouldn’t do the same. We had taken these paths many times and Daisy knew every fork that was our favorites and I obediently followed her. As was normal for me, I stumbled often on rocks or exposed roots that make this more than a simple stroll. After two serious spills where I suffered a gashed knee and broken ribs, I finally learned not to run these trails any longer.

​As we neared the top of the hill and walked toward the cliffs overlooking the valley, I get the same feeling I always get at this point. It was the anticipation of the beautiful view I already knew so well. Beauty never disappoints yet there are those who are unconscious of the wonders no man could create. I walked down the path paralleling the cliffs marveling the trees, the shades of red, orange, yellow, brown and green leaves, the river, and the rolling hills.

Daisy knows we always stop at a bench on the trail that allows a rest while enjoying the panoramic scene. I try not to think of anything while sitting on that bench. I figure if things are going on in my brain, then nothing is coming in. But it’s tough not to think this time as hard as I try. It is because I remember when you sat next to me on that bench on a day that was much like this, at least in its beauty. Only it was spring, when everything was coming alive. This was fall, when everything in nature was showing off before going on a long hiatus. I always loved Spring and Fall. That year, I liked Spring a little better.
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P.S. As a photographer, I see things others do not. As a writer, I see stories in everyday life. Not being a musician, I wonder what melodies and such I am missing. As a man, I want to absorb moments that could be easily ignored or forgotten.
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… because Memories Got in the Way

1/21/2023

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PictureWhen we were younger. almost done raising our kids.
I have not been writing many blogs in this space lately. I lost my wife this past year and I’ve been writing a memoir. Going through things in my house, sadly transitioning to living alone and finding things I had forgotten. A photo put away that didn’t mean as much as it does now. Another photo that floods the memory. A note written that reminded me how simple it was to write then and how impossible it is to write now. My memoir is about a boy who hungered for his father. That hunger was never satisfied. But I met a young woman who learned to love me despite my lack of knowing how to be a man or how to treat a woman. Kathy is her name, and she became my wife. With her help, I learned to be the father my father never was while remaining a work in progress as a husband.

My first book, The Power of Dadhood, was a huge effort for me, and very successful for an unknown, first-time author. As a technical guy—a pilot, then an engineer, I didn’t know how to write at all. But I wanted to put on paper what I learned as a kid with a mostly absent father, and as a father myself. Because Kathy worked with parents and their children as a parent educator, she taught me so much, especially how important the connection is between parent and child in their first three years.

It’s been over twenty years since I began The Power of Dadhood, and seven years since it was published. My memoir, with a working title of The Vagabonds: A Memoir of Father Hunger, is the story of why I wrote my first book. Currently, my final manuscript is being edited.
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When I sat down to write, what you see here was not what was intended. It’s too early to push my memoir, likely months away from publishing. What I was going to write was a small moment I had documented quickly in those small memoranda pads I kept with me before smartphones existed. I will probably follow through with that intended task in my next blog. The reason I wanted to publish those words, written maybe two decades ago, is because I think I was practicing for my first book. Or maybe it was just to capture a moment I had since forgotten. However, I was happy with what I had written so long ago, found because my life has changed so much recently. So that story will be written next time… because memories got in my way.
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The Perils of Parenting

7/11/2022

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ou know what kids want, besides sympathy, sweets, and getting their way? They want to be loved, understood, and protected. They also want someone to help them when they need it and to watch their backs. Who better to do that than Mom and Dad?

What else do kids want? They want answers but may not ask. They want discipline but won’t admit it. They want consistency, but may not know it. They want attention, but on their terms. Surprisingly, perhaps, they don’t expect you to be perfect, but they do want you to be fair. It’s left up to parents to connect the dots, knowing when to give their kids what they want but may not realize.

Discipline is the tough responsibility for most parents. Characteristically, discipline is accompanied by anger, uncertainty, tentativeness, and a desire to look past the infraction and often followed by remorse, guilt, and reflection. When my oldest daughter was a young teen, I became upset with her for reasons I don’t recall. But I became angry at her defiance at the time. It was stealthy defiance, the kind where kids give you the “how dare you” look. My rising anger involved yelling and threatening looks. As I recall, I acted more threatening than I would ever be in reality. Regretfully, I was resorting to fear as my weapon. My official stance is to never parent through fear, but we know that isn’t always easy.

When a child gives you a smirk, or laughs at your reprimands, or ignores your directions, it is a show of disrespect. That disrespect is a challenge to you. It’s a test of where the limits are and a power-play you cannot lose. But how do you go about not losing? How do you keep your cool? If I had a pat answer to that, I would have a parenting show on the Oprah Winfrey Network. What I do know is you must have a response that is swift and strong - but without anger. But who am I kidding? How can you not have anger occasionally?

When I say your response should be without genuine anger, I mean being out of control. Showing controlled anger helps to get your point across, IMHO. Without having any specific recommendation as to how to handle a challenge by your child, I do recommend that you be thinking at that moment, “Am I in control?” While fear is not a gold star tool of parenting, you must demand respect from your children. Fortunately, you can get that respect by your fairness and consistency throughout your parenting. It will do you well in most circumstances. But we don’t live under a permanent rainbow, nor do we ride unicorns on cotton candy clouds. Challenge is in children’s nature. It’s how they learn.

When kids refrain from doing something, of which you would not approve, hopefully, their decision is based on fear of losing your respect and not out of fear of reprisal. But fear is a very close cousin to respect, and we can’t deny that. For instance, I admire 99% of police for what they do and the dangers they face. But I also have a bit of fear when one knocks at my door or pulls me over in traffic. Police carry weapons - there is both fear and respect in that. In a way, you are the law enforcers in your home, and kids react in different ways to your authority. Some will respect your earned authority (you’re a good cop) and others will not (evoking the bad cop).
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I still think about that time some thirty years ago when I frightened my daughter over her perceived disrespect for me. I may have overreacted (although I think she overreacted also). I regret that incident, but while I was angry and showed it, I knew what I was doing at the time. I was not out of control. I may not react the same way today, but my daughter did know one thing after that incident - I loved her, and I was being her dad.

Summary

There are no pat answers to parenting. However, always think through what you are doing. Never lose control. Mistakes will be made, and be comforted that you are not alone in making them. Perfection will not be the reason your kids love you. But there is something that will make them love (or hate) you, and that is their perception of you. If your children:
  • perceive you are loving and protecting them,
  • that you have their backs,
  • that disciplining is just part of your molding them to be better people, and
  • you are predictable and consistent,
then you will be loved as much as any child can love a parent – despite your occasional mistakes.

Your child’s perception of you is more important than your attempted perfection as a parent!

Originally posted July 2019
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​A Beautiful Way to Parent

11/1/2021

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​“Beauty is only skin deep.”
That’s what they say, and it’s true. 
Substance is what’s most important, 
But one should give beauty its due.

​mbs

If you make breakfast for your kids, you're being a parent. If you make pancakes with strawberry eyes and a whipped cream smile, that's beautiful parenting. It's that little extra effort that stands out. 

To me, beauty is the truest sign of caring! The beauty I'm referring to can be visual, of course, but it can also be an act, a thought, or an introduction of soul into a lifeless situation.

I’ve been fortunate enough to have visited Europe a few times. What really stuns me about that part of the world is the splendor of its architecture. There seems to be an appreciation for beauty there that is lacking in many US cities and towns. Cinder blocks can do an excellent job if all one needs is a reliable, safe structure, but it gives nothing to the soul. Any church, mosque, or synagogue will serve its congregation. But those structures that are magnificent bring a depth of meaning to worshipers that a converted strip-mall, storefront ‘house of worship’ cannot.

I visit coffee shops and see people come and go. I can’t judge them or know what they may have accomplished. I do notice, however, how they dress and carry themselves. I particularly appreciate a senior man or woman who takes pride in their appearance. It tells me something positive about them.
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When watching homes being rehabbed on TV, I notice the rehabbers check the structure, heating, and cooling, etc. to be sure the house is safe and sound. The house is worthless if not safe and livable. But the house will go unsold until a designer makes it visually and emotionally appealing.

Art may serve to convey a message or capture a scene, but without beauty, or an attention-getting setting, any message will be lost , any scene unnoticed. Art serves beauty, and beauty serves art.

A rainbow has no substance outside of water molecules -- but rainbows are noticed! We can’t touch or use a rainbow; yet we watch them, sing and write about them, and see them as symbols of goodness.

The beauty of nature captures us all! The duty of a flower is simply to be pleasing to the eye. There is beauty in a desert, a wheat field, a canyon, or a mountain. But the more beautiful the scene, the more people search for and write about it.

There can be beauty in the spoken or written word. A speaker or author without this talent will go unnoticed.  “I walk in the park,” gets across an action. But, “I often go to the park to watch people, to smell the grass, and throw rocks in the pond,” is deeper. The first sentence is the substance, but the second sentence places beauty within the substance.

I like to notice things. When the day is over, and beauty was a part of it, I am a much happier, richer person. So I say, “YES”! Beauty is only skin deep, but beauty is the icing on the cake, the sun shining through the flag, the glimmer of the lake, the smile on a child’s face, and the spice of my life.

So why do I talk about beauty?

This may not seem like a discussion about parenting and fatherhood. But it remains a lesson for this reason. There are practical and necessary responsibilities of parents that are basic and vitally important. However, to be a successful family you must bring beauty into your home! It is essential to show both substance and splendor as a parent. You should avoid being a 'rainbow mother' -- beauty with no substance. Nor should you be a 'cinder-block father' – protective, practical, and stoic. Instead, be that ‘work of art’ parent with a substantial and beautiful message to share. Or be a solidly built home with character and appeal making it a pleasant place to be. Write or speak words to your kids that excite them, challenge them, and encourage them. Mix those beautiful messages in with those soul-less messages such as, “Do your homework,” or “Clean up your room.”  Balance!

Summary

Balance is a key maxim in parenting. As an example, a dad can be stern and maintain the love of his children if he has also revealed the beauty of his character. Being cheerful and fun is the beautiful side of parenting. Every facet of parenting has a responsible, substantive aspect that can be more effective with some beauty mixed in. We’ve seen and read too many stories where a father is at odds with his child, a child that he loves dearly. This occurs when there is no balance to the substantive parenting the father sees as his duty, resulting in a weak connection between the two. Without some beauty and love expressed in a family, the necessary and less enjoyable responsibilities of parenting will be much more difficult.

#powerofdadhood

 Read, The Power of Dadhood, by Michael Byron Smith

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Keeping  An Oath

7/27/2020

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Keeping  An Oath

It’s Sunday night and here I sit,
Trying to engage my wit.
For seven years I’ve kept a vow.
Some words are needed, here and now.
 
Last minute words to share with all,
‘Cause bad parenting comes before a fall.
Near 400 straight Mondays, my thoughts have been due.
Sometimes, a Tuesday. Since I missed a few.
 
A new topic I search for every week.
It’s not easy, even for a parenting geek.
Sometimes life just gets in the way.
Mowing, reading - a graduation today.
 
And the baseball season finally began.
Everyone knows, I’m a big fan!
So here I sit, looking for a good theme.
Because today, I just ran out of steam.
 
Just remember your kids need you so much!
So always remember to love, praise and touch.
I hope this suffices in keeping my oath.
Encouraging parents, Moms and Dads, both!
 
Michael Byron Smith
#powerofdadhood

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​Families Matter!

6/30/2020

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{This is a version of an earlier FB post}
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As an advocate for fatherhood through my blog “Helping Fathers to be Dads” and my book, ‘The Power of Dadhood,’ I fear a movement that threatens the core family. My goal of helping men to be the best dads they can be is, at its heart, the goal of achieving as many nuclear families as possible. It is the nuclear family that is the building block for a civil society. There is no doubt in my mind that it is at this level where problems begin or are prevented.

The families that have suffered the most are Black families. In my six-plus years of writing about fatherhood, I have very rarely singled out Black families. But when 72% of Black children are born out of wedlock, and 65% live without a father in the home, it is not surprising that young boys from broken homes try to prove themselves in dangerous ways, and young girls look for love in all the wrong places. While I simply and obviously agree that Black lives undoubtedly matter, I’d like to point out that the organization ‘Black Lives Matter’ (BLM) does NOT support the nuclear family. This group admits this on their website on their ‘About’ page.

“We disrupt the Western-prescribed nuclear family structure requirement by supporting each other as extended families and “villages” that collectively care for one another, especially our children, to the degree that mothers, parents, and children are comfortable.”

I contend BLM has full rights to air their grievances. However, while people I fully respect and love support the BLM movement, I hope they can separate themselves from the idea that the nuclear family is not essential. My book has clear statistics of the harm caused when a family does not have both a father and a mother in the home.

Of course, nuclear families have many reasons for not existing or for breaking down - true for all races and all mixed-race families. When necessary, it does take a village to raise a child. But first of all, many ‘villages’ don’t do it or do it well. Secondly, if they can do it well, it can never replace a loving mother and father.
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I cannot help but pray and believe that if just 75-80 % of all American families had both a nurturing mother and father in the home or at least working with each other, the ills of this country would plummet!

​Please watch the video below.
​https://www.prageru.com/video/black-fathers-matter/
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It Depends on What You Mean by 'Happy'

1/13/2020

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I don’t think being happy should be a goal - unless you’re a kid. I believe happy should be a result or by-product of something worthwhile. Here are my beliefs on happiness within a family!

When I was a young boy, there was not much to be happy about. But there were a few months I look back on that were simply joyous! The key to my contentment in those few months was being carefree. For a child, being carefree is synonymous with happiness. But what allows a child to be carefree discounting their groans of ‘who gets to go first,’ or ‘that’s not fair’? Its parents loving, nurturing, and protecting them - and each other.

Parents, on the other hand, don’t have the luxury of being carefree. Having a family to protect and raise is one of life’s most precious gifts and most harrowing responsibilities. Aristotle said, “Happiness depends upon ourselves.” I’m assuming Aristotle intended this quote for adults because most kids are not ready for that kind of mature thinking. Adults do have to depend on themselves to do what’s right and accept what they can’t control. So how do parents find happiness? I believe they find it by successfully meeting their responsibilities and goals!

The following is an excerpt from a memoir I am currently writing. I use it here to demonstrate the pure happiness I had as a child, and why it happened for a few months in 1958 when I was eight-years-old.


The House with a Big Tree

“He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home.”
~ Johann von Goethe, German poet

I wonder about the reminiscences of those who were fortunate enough to have somewhat more conventional families and lives. What stayed with them? Do those memories make them smile? If it’s anything like the few months we lived in a small house with a big tree in Caseyville, Illinois, then I understand how wonderful it can be to live happily with an unburdened heart creating memories to cherish!

My personal Shangri-La passed much too quickly in the late 1950s. I remember the joy, the carefree feelings of waking in the morning, and promptly running outside to find my friends, not willing to miss one minute of fun being outdoors. There were times when I didn’t want to go home for lunch because I didn’t want to interrupt the joy. I remember the house, the curving, dead-end, street on which we lived, and the big tree which we climbed; it may have been an oak shading our front yard. I remember my brown and white, shaggy mutt, named Frisky, and how he would meet me halfway between the school bus stop and home. I had a bike and friends with which to ride. Nothing ever planned, but each day burst with activity for my brother Steve and me. At that particular time in my childhood, home life was what ‘normal’ was for most. I had a brother two years younger, two toddler sisters, and a newborn brother. My mom stayed at home with us, and my dad worked as a truck driver for a decent salary. We rented a small but comfortable four-room house with station wagon less than five years old in the driveway. Most importantly, however, I remember that there was something near peacefulness in my home.
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It was during this short period of family bliss in Caseyville, Illinois that a rare, almost unique, father-son occasion occurred that I will never forget. I had somehow discovered a love of baseball. Up to this time, I had rarely played in pick-up games, but I enjoyed following the St. Louis Cardinals in the ‘Big Show.’ I always listened to their games on the radio, visualizing the action the voices were describing. The discussions between plays taught me the game and a love of conversation. One night my mom suggested to my dad to take me to watch the Cardinals at Sportsman’s Park, recently renamed Busch Stadium for the new owner, August Busch. To actually see the ballpark and players described every summer night by Harry Caray rarely crossed my mind. It was my make-believe world! One evening, my father surprisingly accepted my Mom’s request and took me to see the Cardinals play. Not surprisingly, we got there late and left early. Dad was not a sports fan in the least, but I was so thankful that he took me!

Beyond my expectations were the beautiful, lush, green grass on the field, the size of the enormous scoreboard in left field, and an impressive Anheuser-Busch sign with an eagle poking his head through an ’A’ that prominently flapped its wings when a Cardinal hit a home run. I don’t remember the Cardinals opponents that night, but I do remember seeing outfielder Wally Moon hit a home run, prompting the eagle to flap its stuttering wings atop the scoreboard while a bright red bird flew neon- sign-to-neon-sign behind the left-field stands. It was a special night! To this day, I struggle to talk openly about this memory without welling and tearing up.
 

I stop there because I want to stay positive. This wonderful time of my childhood came about for two reasons. 1) My father had stopped drinking and was taking care of his family. 2) Because of this sober hiatus of his, I was allowed to be carefree. The fairy tale didn’t last because he started being irresponsible once more, and the carefree days gave in to worry. The few months of bliss was due to a simple formula – responsible parents allowing kids to be carefree.

Summary

I think blind, unadulterated, unearned happiness is for children to enjoy – i.e., when the circumstances allow it. For parents, there is work to do because there is no earned happiness without overcoming challenges. But being a parent is the perfect challenge to seize upon, working through frustrations, hard days and nights, crises, and multiple failures. Then seeing the rewards coming on the other side of all that, happiness will be assured. I know just seeing my children and grandchildren happy is all I need!

Happiness is not getting a full-house; it’s getting a house that’s full of love and caring. It is simply a by-product of doing something good for another.

​#powerofdadhood
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The Greatest Reward!

11/25/2019

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​What is the greatest reward a man, who is also a father, can ever hope to receive? Well, I have my thoughts on that, and I will share them. But first, I have written a book and about 400 blog articles on parenting in the past eight years, most of which concern a father’s role. That doesn’t imply I’m an expert on the topic, but I do study and give it a lot of thought. What I do claim to be is a provocateur meaning I like to bring up thoughts on parenting allowing people give them more attention than they otherwise may have. My opinions are mine. I only hope for the reader to have a discussion in their head, with a co-parent, or someone else, about what I said. Parents should raise their children with purposeful and intelligent intent.

Parenting is not easy! It is such an enormous responsibility, yet you only have so much control. Most of that control comes in the first three years of your child’s life, falling off slowly, then very quickly. That's truly a good thing. It's a transition of power where the need for protection lessens and the need for growth and self empowerment for your child grows. It must take place. But that doesn’t mean you stop being a mom or dad. It does mean you have to be smart about what you say and do to be effective. The best way to be an intelligent parent is to listen, read, and have a good plan, for when you do so and follow it well, the rewards are incredible!

I asked a few dads with whom I have become familiar, to pass on to me some things their children have written to them on their birthdays, Father’s Day, or any day - particularly their older children. I like to share a few of these genuine and loving passages and imagine how these fathers may have reacted. I admit I shed a few tears reading them.
“Dad, what haven’t you taught me? How to throw a baseball, how to drive a car, or even how to mow the lawn. Most importantly, I learned things just by watching you. Things like how to treat people, what is important in life, and never give up.”

“Oh Papa, I adore everything about you!”

“Dad, you have taught me what it is like to be loved unconditionally! I can see that you love me through and through.”

“Dad, I remember us building snowmen together, coloring at my very own little table, our first trip to the zoo together, our walks and car rides!”

“I remember just spending time together – snuggling, reading, walking around the house in circles, playing with toys. My wish for myself is to always have lots of adventures, dates, and moments together. We make quite a team, don’t we?!”

“What I admire about you is your calm demeanor, your patience, your constant support, your modesty, your success, the father that you are!”

“Dad, here are some things you have taught me.
  • How to change my perspective and view the big picture
  • How to appreciate the beauty of things
  • That worry is wasted energy
  • What it feels like to be loved unconditionally”

“Dad, I remember I was washing the dishes after dinner – all of the sudden the music got louder – much louder. You pulled me from the sink, wet hands and all, and danced with me in the kitchen!”

“As a dad…you are such a steady, calm, loving presence in my life. You are always there when I need you. Always - for big things or when I just need a hug. Talking to you makes me feel better – loved, heard, understood, and valued.”

“You forgive my mistakes and perfections, and you celebrate my strengths. You don’t expect me to be perfect (even if I tend to expect that in myself). You are the best listener I know, and that has been a constant source of support my whole life.”
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“The older I get, the more I realize how rare it is for women to have strong, open, real relationships with their dads. I don’t take for granted our time together. I love hanging out with you, and I think the feeling is mutual." ​
These are very fortunate fathers, indeed. If they are anything like me, I’m confident they may have wondered if they really deserved the praise. But it is more important that their children believe it! I do know you don’t have to be a perfect person to be a loved father. We know that perfection is impossible, and our kids also know. Children want guidance so dearly, yet stealthily. They won’t come up to you and say, “Hit me up with some good advice and philosophy!” No, it is up to you to pick the right moments to say the right things – and to look for those moments. When you do, the greatest rewards will follow; and very important to know is not all of them will be written down or said out loud!

Good luck! 
​#powerofdadhood
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The Danube River: Beauty, History, and Family Inspiration

11/13/2019

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PictureThe Danube in Austria
​My wife, Kathy, and I are now completing a river cruise on the Danube. Amazing sights and new memories to enrich our lives. Each region was beautiful, with natural and architectural beauty, rich history, arts, various cultures, etc. I wondered how I could take advantage of this experience and relate it to my retirement mission of Helping Fathers to be Dads.  Let’s see what I learned from our visits.
PicturePrague, Czech Republic
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Prague, Czech Republic is where my wife and I flew into Europe before our tour down the Danube. Prague is a large medieval city of ancient buildings, multiple spires, rolling hills, and breathtaking views. Walking the streets reminded me of how families in Europe walk their towns and villages with their children. Toddlers in bright clothes, bundled up in the crisp fall weather. Babies in strollers with blankets tucked around them, the eyes of the little ones scanning their world and people walking by. Parents and children exploring or merely spending time together are ordinary, especially on weekends - a European tradition.
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Thought: Of course, strollers can be seen in America also, but mostly when visiting zoos or amusement parks. Not often will you see an entire family strolling in their neighborhoods or town centers together. Family time in America is spent on various scheduled activities, too often separate from each other. 
PicturePassau, Germany
​Passau, Germany, is small, a picturesque town in Bavaria that draws millions of visitors each year.  It is known as "City of Three Rivers" because the Danube is joined there by the Inn from the south and the Ilz from the north. This unique situation is why its first inhabitants settled there over 5000 years ago. The emerald green waters of the Inn River meet the Danube, while not quite blue, can look a bit turquoise at certain times when the sun is out. The Ilz River is the smallest of the three. All three rivers merge making them a blend of the characteristics of each but stronger together.

​Thought: Similar to the three rivers of Passau, the rivers of a family (father, mother, and children) are different on their own, but create a fourth identity together, and hopefully flow together as one, strongly-united, family.
PictureGottwieg Abby
​Lenz, Austria, was home to Gottwieg Abbey. The views from the mountaintop, where the Abbey, built centuries ago, are bucolic and breathtaking. Views of the wine fertile Wachau Valley, the Danube, nearby forests, the patchwork of vineyards, and the town of Krems are laid out for miles below. The Abbey itself is ornate and a testament to the dedication of the monks who vow never marry and to live a simple, prayerful life in this beautiful location their entire lives.

​Thought: The dedication of the monks to their purposeful life, and to their beautiful Abbey, remind me of the commitment required to have a nurturing and comfortable family life. With a devotion to family and comfort in their homes, any family will have serenity in their future, if not their daily lives.
​Vienna, Austria, a city of culture and coffee houses, is very busy and classy! Art, food, history, and music fill the air! Church bells ring, visitors shop and take photos, and everyone stops in the numerous coffee shops to warm up from the crisp, fall weather with a pastry, and maybe an expresso. We interrupted our scenic walking tour and ordered Café Americano and the best apple strudel I ever tasted as we met and conversed with new friends!

​Thought: Every family should find time for joy and conversation, creating memories and experiences common to all. It will draw everyone in the family into a common bond that will last, providing cherished traditions to the following generations.
PictureModern and old, Bratislava, Slovakia
​


Bratislava, Slovakia, was once behind the Iron Curtain as part of Czechoslovakia. This city of a few hundred thousand suffered in decay during four decades under Communist rule, but now much is new with skyscrapers and low unemployment. While under communism, there was no growth, little freedom, and no ability to travel outside the Iron Curtain. For forty years the citizenry was robbed of their ability to express themselves or to work to improve their situation. With the fall of the Iron Curtain in 1989-90, those under 50 years of age had never know freedom and a plurality of choice. The stories of our guides who lived under the Communist regime brought the reality of our good fortune to have escaped that hopeless and bleak experience.
​
Thought: Parents must let their children understand history to put into perspective the hope and dreams that are available to them. These gifts are often taken for granted; and seem self-evident rights we all should have, but have come at considerable costs.
PictureThe Parliament Building, Budapest Hungary
​Budapest Hungary is a city perfect for romance. At night, this city shines with golden lights on bridges and buildings with architecture that proves beauty is worth time and expense. The Danube glimmers as it reflects the thousands of lights of the city, separating the formerly separate burgs of Buda and Pest. Budapest is one of the crown jewels of Europe, but also with tragedy in its past. Having been invaded by the Nazis of Germany and Communists of Russia, death, and torture were common. Today’s Budapest recovered and now thrives once more as Hungary’s capital and as a tourist mecca, but has not forgotten these disastrous times.
​
Thought: We can only hope tragic events never touch us, but no family can escape tough times. Sometimes only time can ease the pain. As tough as it may be, families coming together will help. Mostly, the tough times will be behind us with communication, cooperation, and understanding. Don’t allow small issues to grow into lasting conflicts.
​Summary
Maybe my travel/family analogies were stretched a bit, but Kathy and I had a memorable and educational trip sailing down the Danube. It is incomprehensible to imagine all that has occurred throughout the centuries on every square meter we touched. One thing is common to all those past societies, centuries, and locations; everyone came from or belonged to a family. There are those individuals who failed despite having a supportive family and other individuals who flourished without a supportive family. But most people succeed, as best they can within their time and place, with the support of friends, and especially family.
Picture
Breakfast on the Danube
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