Category: Fatherhood

The Godfather, The Captain, Atticus, and Gil

1/7/2025

“A man who doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man.”
Don Corleone in “The Godfather”

( originally published Jan 26 2015)

What kind of father are you? Are you kind, funny, aloof, authoritarian, nurturing, absent, a provider, stay-at-home, or confused? Most of us are combinations of these descriptors with maybe one or two dominant characteristics. Let’s see if we can group fathering characteristics and instead, look into fathering styles or types.

Four Father-Types

I’ve devised four father types, based on characters whom we are familiar with if we’ve seen their movies. These are The Godfather, The Captain, Atticus, and Gil. After you’ve read my descriptions/interpretations of each one, think about which type you identify with the most. Certainly most of us dads have some characteristics of all of these fathers, but usually one type will stand out?

The Godfather

Don Corleone, in “The Godfather” is a kind and generous family man who lives by a strict moral code of loyalty to family first, friends second. He will protect all from their enemies. He is also a man of power who demands respect commensurate with his status. He is the leader of the family and his word is law. He teaches family loyalty and commitment above all else. He brings order to all and through his strength and balanced skills. He leaves a legacy of change that will last. A larger than life personality who teaches loyalty and dedication.

The Captain

The Captain in “The Sound of Music” is a self-disciplined, decisive man, who is in control of himself and expects the same from others. A man of action, shy of real emotion, tied to rituals and routine, he is competitive and highly principled. He is a loving man but he isn’t demonstrative in showing it. He teaches respect and responsibility.

Atticus

Atticus Finch, the father in “To Kill a Mockingbird”, played by Gregory Peck, is an insightful man with high morals and keen intelligence. He has genuine humility and a natural dignity. His ego does not drive him. Atticus is serious but loving to his children, passing on sage advice but not likely to play and act goofy with his kids. He is also consistent and reliable. His power comes from thoughtful reflection and meditation. He teaches integrity and does it with his brain.

Gil

Steve Martin plays Gil Buckman in the movie “Parenthood”. Gil is a man who wants to be a good father, not having had a good one himself. Gil is passionate about his parenting. He’s fun, unassuming, and caring. Gil has a soft and emotional heart. He would be likely to write heartfelt notes to his children and act silly with them. He is idealistic about life and looks to bring goodness to all. He teaches love and understanding with his heart.

So who are you most like and who would you most want to emulate?

The Potential Dark Side

Before I go on, there are versions of the characters that can go to an opposite extreme.

The Godfather type can become a tyrant, misusing his power for his own selfish gains which Don Corleone does, but not within his family—unless it serves the family.
The Captain can become a sadist or self-destructive when he sets aside emotional needs too long. This could be why soldiers develop PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome). Some Captain types become workaholics, trying to get to the top for the sake only of being on top. Some demand too much from their family like Robert Duvall’s character in “The Great Santini”.
An Atticus type can become a con man, using his skills of charm and intellect to fool people for his own gain. He can also be narcissistic. Bigamists can often be an example this dark side of Atticus.
Gil can become a dreamer or a weakling, sometimes uncertain of his ability to provide, or to be a good father, something Gil went through in the movie.

Self-Analysis

I would like to have the power and respect of Don Corleone, the discipline and decisiveness of The Captain, the intellect and dignity of Atticus, and the dedication and passion of Gil. If I am honest about my own identity as a father, I think I come closest to Gil. When I saw that movie, I very much identified with him, maybe because I was unsatisfied with my own father, maybe because my children’s well-being are so important to me, maybe because I am occasionally emotional about my family. But I do have some characteristics of all of these four types. Like most men, I would like to leave a legacy. I was a military man for 29 years and preach responsibility. I also try to pass on “sage advice” to my children, now grandchildren. Lastly, if I were to become another father type, I would like to have more traits like those of Atticus.

Summary

It is useful to know about different fathering styles and to examine your own. You may understand better how you father your children or why you do it your way. This knowledge is useful when dealing with family issues, how they come about, and how you can resolve them. There is no need in becoming the style of father you’re not comfortable being. It wouldn’t work anyway. You have to be you, but you can always be a better you, staying completely away from the dark side of these father types.

The father types I mention here are my own vision and in no way are they complete or scientific. They were, however, very loosely based on the idea of male archetypes from the book “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover” by Robert L. Moore and Douglas Gillette. If you are interested in a more scientific analysis of the male archetype and where you may fit in, you can take a KWML test I discovered at http://www.kwml.com/contemplate/assembler.php?page=welcome. These archetypes and their test results are a description of particular male types-- not styles of fathering, per se.

Go be a good father in your own style—be a Dad!

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The World’s Greatest Dad

1/6/2025

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urbanloftart.com

Just how many men have the distinction of being the World’s Greatest Dad? It’s a mantle shared by many. Some men deserve it, and some don’t, but what is really important is what the children of those men think. Of course, there is no single ‘world’s greatest dad’ because the ‘world’ to any child is their own father. To your child, no one on earth has your potential as a guardian, mentor, and confidant. I use the word ‘potential' because some men, for any number of reasons, fall short in their parenting. Here are a few actual reasons fathers fail to be “Dads”.

Alcohol problems
Drug addiction
Busy Career
Wasn’t what I wanted
It a mother’s job
Don’t know how
Health issues
Kids are difficult
Objections of the mother

I’ve yet to hear a good reason to fail as a father. Some of the reasons listed above are absurd while others are unfortunate, but not a real hindrance. The closest excuse to a true hindrance is the objections of the mother who severely restricts involvement by a father with the backing of the courts. This is an actual and often tragic situation for a man who wants dearly to be a part of his child’s life. This precludes those men who are a real danger to their children, but those type of men are rare. Beyond motherly or court-ordered obstacles, all men have a relatively easy path to the greatest reward they can ever achieve – “The World’s Greatest Dad.”

Let me explain what I mean by ‘easy.’ No, being a loving and nurturing parent is not easy. Raising children takes much patience, time, and money, not to mention the coordination of parenting methods with their mother. But the easy part is getting the adoration of your kids for the mere fact you are their dad. Every ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ is the one who kisses his child goodnight, who brags on their artwork, who loves the people they love, who gives them rides on their backs and listens to their problems. If you do those and other little things that all children need, you will undoubtedly deserve your t-shirt, mug, or crayon poster with your name on it -- “Dad.”

Never take something like this child-appointed award for granted just because you see other dads with the same prize! It’s not a competition -- it’s a great honor bestowed upon you by the most important people in your world. If you have really earned it, you will wear it, drink from it, or post it with true pride because “The Power of Dadhood” is real!

Consider reading my book, A Vagabond Life: A Memoir of Father Hunger - What it does to families and how I conquered it.

Michael Byron Smith

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The Most Concise Self-Help Book You’ll Ever Read

7/1/2024

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Written by Michael Byron Smith
Published by “Helping Fathers to be Dads”
Copyright 2018 by Michael Byron Smith

Introduction

I confess. I have read quite a few self-help books in my day. I needed them at the time, and they truly helped me. Anyone who doesn’t think they need support/guidance has already had plenty of it, or they are fooling themselves and being naive. Unfortunately, I didn’t discover these books until I was fully an adult; a situation made worse because I had no true mentor growing up. Any young person who has or had a mentor is very fortunate, but even if a mentor exists there will be much they can’t or won’t know to teach you. Living a full and curious life is the best teacher, but learning from mentors and books will allow you to get to deeper aspects of life more quickly, allowing for more learning.

Often, self-help books teach lessons that on reflection seem like common sense. But common sense is a ‘basic level of practical knowledge and judgment.’ It only becomes common after we are made aware of it. Sure, there are those that pick up on some things on their own or faster than others, but not everything.

Life can be very difficult. If it were easy, we would cease to grow as interesting people. Yet, some folks are happy with little and never complain, and that’s okay. Others have an abundance of success and are never happy, that’s sad. And, of course, there are most of us in the wide spectrum in the middle. You must choose with honesty where you fall within that spectrum to change if indeed you want to change.

With that introduction, here are some simplified bits of advice on a few key areas of life. Consider this advice to be like a lioness nudging her cubs gently with her nose to go hunt. Once you learn to hunt, you have made great strides toward success, or happiness…and hopefully, both.

The ‘How-To’s

Consider this advice, change/substitute what you think may work better for you. Then go hunting for fatter prey.

How to make the Middle Class[i]

Finish high school
Get a job
Don’t get married or have children before you’re 21

How to go to college without money[ii]

Be poor (but not on purpose!)
Study with commitment and very diligently
Know your school counselor (connections are critical)
Apply for a college scholarship (Most colleges look to balance their student population with deserving students with financial needs)[iii]

How to be respected

Have Common Sense: think about what you’re doing and the possible consequences.
Be Measured: not going too far in excess on anything, anyone, or on any matter
Fairness: be honest, patient, and truthful. Keep your word and be dependable
Have Courage: stick to your ideals but listen to others

How to be a good parent [iv]

Be available
Be loving
Be consistent
Be fun
Have principles.
Read, THE POWER OF DADHOOD and A VAGABOND LIFE: A MEMOIR OF FATHER HUNGER

How to improve your health

Move around much more often
Reduce food portions
Eat fruits and vegetables
Take vitamins
See a doctor at least once a year

How to improve your attitude

Remember you have choices, to change or to accept
Consider trying a different perspective
Take responsibility for yourself and your actions
Find something important you want and work towards it

How to save money

Get the best available job that suits your abilities
Save 5% to 10% of whatever you make no matter how little your salary (YES you can!)
Don’t let your savings burn a hole in your pocket, have goals
Find yourself feeling good about what you’ve done and challenged to keep saving more
Don’t ever over-extend yourself

How to be happy

Never expect always to be happy!
Count your blessings. You have more than you think.
Respect your strengths, improve upon or accept your weaknesses
Read ‘How to improve your attitude,’ above
If these fail, you may need to supplement your natural serotonin (see a Doctor)

Summary

I think these thoughts will help you, even if you’ve heard them before. You likely have heard most and even thought them helpful but moved on without following through. Give yourself another chance. If you do believe in the advice and ignore it, you are missing possibly the most important aspect of success…MOTIVATION. Find it somewhere!

A simplified list like this one can be tacked to a wall or attached with a magnet to your refrigerator as a reminder. Someday, you may look at it at a time when motivation has, mysteriously or not, kicked in. For it takes knowledge and motivation to really move forward.

If a particular topic interests you, it is likely that you will be moved to learn more about it. Extensive material in libraries, book stores, and conveniently, the Internet will help you do research. And there are people and organizations that will help you if you ask. GO DO IT!

[i] Only 2% of poor teens who do these things remain poor. https://www.brookings.edu/opinions/three-simple-rules-poor-teens-should-follow-to-join-the-middle-class/

[ii] This is what delivered me from poverty and a cycle of dysfunction

[iii] Not a panacea. Realistically, not everyone has the intellectual or cognitive ability to thrive in school. (15% of the U.S. population has an IQ of 85 or below. Dr. Richard Haier)

[iv] from The Power of Dadhood, published by Familius, LLC

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Substitute Heroes

5/17/2024

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My Hero Growing Up - Jimmy Stewart

I wrote this article in 2018, four years after my first book, The Power of Dadhood, and five years before my second book, A Vagabond Life. My second book is a memoir about a family without a supportive father. My hero, Jimmy Stewart is included in A Vagabond Life.

* * *

Mentors are people that teach by example. We all need mentors as we grow through different stages of life, but especially when we are young. Children aren’t always good judges of their mentors so they may follow any example, good or bad. My father was absent most of my life, and when he was around, he was typically drunk and an embarrassment. It’s a shame because my father, when sober, was quite interesting, smart, and a gentleman. But the moments where I looked upon my dad as someone to admire was shattered continuously by the slovenly drunk he could become and did become over and over again.

As any boy would, I wanted someone to look up to and admire. I had uncles, but they were not in my life enough to have an impact. We never settled in a neighborhood long enough to hang out with boys my age that had dads I might admire. There were no older cousins, and I was the oldest of my siblings. But I did have a thirst for a role model, and subconsciously I was always looking for him.

I don’t know why, but my substitute hero became the actor, Jimmy Stewart. I’m not sure what it was that first attracted me to Mr. Stewart. I think it may have been a common interest we had in aviation. That interest was key in his acceptance of movie roles like “The Spirit of St. Louis” and “Strategic Air Command.” As I watched him in these and other movies, I became enamored by the type of characters he played. Typically, he was honorable, shy, and did the right thing. I dreamed of being like the characters he played in the movies.

As I learned more about him, I discovered that the man who played the characters I loved so much was an even better man in real life. He was a real-life pilot in the Army Air Corps/U.S. Air Force and insisted on going into combat when he could have made recruiting films. Returning from the war in late 1945, Mr. Stewart insisted that his military exploits, which included many combat missions and numerous decorations, not be publicized. I was impressed by that kind of humility. You would have to look far and wide and still not find anyone who would say anything disparaging about him. Once he married, later than most, he remained faithful although admired by many of his female co-stars.

Once, on a business trip to Los Angeles, I drove by the house he lived in for years. Unlike the big mansions behind gates and hidden by vegetation where most stars lived, Jimmy Stewart’s home was on a typical street in Beverly Hills, accessible by anyone who would have walked up to the door. Yes, his was the model I wanted to follow, big shoes to fill for sure, but I loved the challenge.

A disadvantage of having a distant hero is the inability to ask questions or to be reassured when doubts arise. But having someone to look up to, to imagine what your hero would do, is a comfort and a direction in which to look.

The idea of a substitute father/hero is a good one, but it comes with the danger of misplacing one’s trust with someone whose values are not the best or don’t gel with your personality and goals. Misplaced trust happens too often with young men without boundaries. For instance, joining a gang is often a how a young man chooses to belong, emulating the behavior of the men in that gang, most of whom are barely older and have the same identity issues. Sometimes boys in a father-deprived situation like I was look up to hyper-masculine movie heroes who mislead them about real life and being a man.

A wonderful place to go to find a substitute hero is Big Brothers (now called ‘Big Brothers, Big Sisters’), an organization I volunteered for while I was in the Air Force. Their Mission is to ‘provide children facing adversity with strong and enduring, professionally supported one-to-one relationships that change their lives for the better, forever’.

The young man for whom I was a Big Brother was nine years old, had long hair, and very quiet. We went fishing, bowling, and to the movies. I went to his ballgames and bought him ice cream. We talked as much as I could get him to talk. I did the things I wish my father had done. While I was a young mid-twenties male with self-confidence issues myself, to him I was a successful jet pilot in the U.S. Air Force. Did he seem impressed? Not really, but that was not why I was there. I was there to show him he was important and spending time with him proved that. I let him know my dad was not there for me, just like his dad wasn’t there for him. But I became what I wanted to be . . . just like he could.

The power of example is an awesome one. We can’t let young men stumble into the wrong ones. Boys thrive on the ideals of service and sacrifice when they have the right examples to follow. I challenge all men to be available to boys who need guidance and encouragement. Young people are our most precious resource, and we must protect our future.

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The Boy Who Never Felt Pain

4/23/2024

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There once was a boy named Samuel who never felt pain. He would scrape a knee, and it would not hurt. He would bump his head very hard and not cry. “How lucky you are!” his friends would say. “I wish I never knew pain!” they complained.

Samuel was curious, however, and wondered what pain was all about. Certainly, he noticed when his friends were in pain because they would grimace and often cry. He thought, “Would I want that?" Of course he had no idea for he didn’t understand the concept of pain any more than a fish understands being in water. Samuel’s friends were confused about him. He could neither be described as a happy or sad fellow.

“Why not be happy?” everyone asked.

“Pain is not good, believe us!” they reminded him.

“Samuel must feel very fortunate.” they thought.

But how could Samuel be happy about not having pain if he didn’t know the sensation of pain? And neither was Samuel really sad because sadness itself was pain.

Samuel did not have the sensations everyone else had. He was never cold nor hot. He didn’t understand why his friends loved the warmth of a fire in the winter or the cool breezes of summer. Samuel enjoyed neither - just as one would not be particularly delighted about having a hammer if there were no nails to strike.

Samuel lived where the sun shone almost every day. When visitors told him how lovely the sunshine was, he replied, “Really?” Samuel had never traveled very far and the sun shining wasn’t any more exceptional than having air to breathe.

Something was missing for Samuel, but he didn’t know what it could be. Everyone wanted to be like him and to have what he had because everything seemed perfect for Samuel -- sunshine every day and never experiencing discomfort. Samuel, however, didn’t understand why people thought he was so fortunate – whatever being fortunate was.

Life to Samuel was the same every day. He didn’t know ‘good’ because he didn’t know ‘bad’. He wasn’t interesting because he had very few stories to tell. How could you have a story if you never experienced distress, or overcame it? He couldn’t contribute to conversations about how rain refreshed everything on a hot day, nor talk about the discomfort of a toothache or the incredible relief when the agony went away.

What was this life he seemed to be missing? Was he really fortunate? How could he ever know?

The Incident

One day, Samuel was walking home from school as storm clouds gathered. As he reached his house lightning struck a tree in his yard! Samuel was knocked down from the force of electricity exploding in the wood of the tree. When he awoke, he had a strange sensation. Samuel hurt! And he hurt a lot! He never knew this feeling before and, of course, he didn’t like it. Samuel’s parents had heard the lightning strike and found their son on the ground dazed. He was moaning as if in pain. They had never seen Samuel in pain!

They rushed him to the hospital and, fortunately, Samuel was not hurt badly. He would be okay, but something had happened to him. Indeed, Samuel was experiencing pain and wished he could be the old Samuel - without the ability to feel this horrible sensation. Samuel now knew what his friends were talking about.

His weakness and the chill in the hospital made him shiver. Never before had he sensed being cold! He was awash in sensations, and while uncomfortable, it was an awakening for him. A nurse placed a heated blanket on Samuel, and the warmth was exhilarating! Waves of emotion came over him! What was this about? Never before had he been overwhelmed with such relief and comfort! Gradually, Samuel’s aches and pains from ‘the incident’ went away. And the lack of pain was beautiful! He was always pain-free before the incident, only this time he loved not hurting! “Why didn’t I ever appreciate not hurting?” he wondered.

After that day, everything changed. Samuel became like every other boy or girl. His encounter with the lightning strike gave him the gift of feeling and sensation allowing him to know he was, indeed, lucky when he didn’t have pain. He also now understood warmth because he had experienced cold.

Samuel’s life was now fuller! He had decisions to make because he learned about the consequences of decisions. Some opportunities would give him happiness but maybe risked pain or injury. Other choices would keep him safe, but he could possibly miss out on some fun. And now he knew about joy, and the warmth of a fire, and the refreshing feeling of cool breezes. Yes, he had to think more than he ever did before the incident, but thinking and choices made his life so much more interesting! Balance was a word he now understood. Samuel knew that undertaking tasks that may be uncomfortable or difficult could bring rewards to him which were joyful and fulfilling.

With his newfound thirst for knowledge and experiences, Samuel began traveling and found new challenges and interests everywhere he traveled. He went to a place where the rain was common! It was so lush and green there! When he first saw the rain, he danced in the street with his mouth open reveling in its coolness and its taste. The rain was so lovely to watch and the sound so soothing. But after three days of rain, he longed for the sunshine of his home. Samuel now knew why visitors mentioned how beautiful the sunshine was in the days before the incident!

Lessons from ‘The Incident’

The most significant lesson Samuel learned from his harrowing experience with the lightning strike was that life on a roller coaster is so much more interesting than life on a merry-go-round. He now knew the joy of overcoming obstacles, the feeling of relief, and the pride of meeting a challenge. He knew about limits and when to respect them and when to challenge them. He knew sacrifice is a temporary situation that will likely improve his life. And those that sacrifice now will reap the rewards and success of the future. Samuel now understood that a world of contrasts is a much more exciting place to live!

Life is defined by risks and experiences, good and bad. Without contrasts, there is nothing to measure or compare. There would be no such concept as perfection if everything were perfect. Ideas and action can be dangerous, but they are alive! Joy is not eternal sunshine and no pain. Joy is sunshine after the rain and your recovery from the pain. It’s the soothing warmth after a shuddering chill -- or the breathless relief when reaching the peak of a hill. Joy comes from leaving some level of sorrow behind.

Yin and Yang are perfect partners because there is no Yin without Yang nor is there Yang without Yin! Samuel now understood pain but knew he would never want to be protected from the possibility of it. It was pain that taught him how good normal felt. It was pain that told him something was not right and should be attended to. And he knew the more he learned about life, the better prepared he would be to avoid pain - and to find happiness.

Samuel grew up to be happier than any of the friends, those who thought he was lucky in the days before he felt no pain. For he understood better than any of them that life without challenges is not perfect and entirely uninspiring. He knew that real happiness is striving for something. Happiness is a state of mind that comes from having a purpose and pursuing it! No, Samuel didn’t like pain, but he understood its tremendous value. His life was now an adventure!

© Helping Fathers to be Dads, 2019

Available on Amazon.com and BN.com

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Naughty or Nice? Parent Edition

12/14/2023

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My grandchildren Dec 2016

With Christmas nearing, parents’ attention turns to thoughts of ‘what do we get the kids?’ If we’re honest, it rarely has anything to do with whether they were naughty or nice. More likely, it has to do with ‘competition’! Competing for their favor or trying to keep up with what their friends have or will be getting. Or, maybe your gifts are based on guilt. Guilt for not spending enough time with them or for being too self-obsessed.

Yes, what your kids get for Christmas can be based on how naughty or nice you have been, not your children!

We have seen good parents and bad parents. Where do you stand on this scale of effective parenting? Whatever the answer, how you perform as a parent is not likely to change much unless you are truly interested in changing and are persistent in your efforts. So let us take a look at some naughty or nice parental criteria and think about how we raise our children.

A Parental ‘Naughty or Nice’ List

You show your love for your children - nice!
You’re over committed outside the family – naughty!
You give one-on-one attention to your children – nice!
You don’t really always listen when your kids talk to you – naughty!
You comfort your kids when appropriate – nice!
You and your spouse don’t agree on how to raise your kids – very naughty!
You’re tough on your kids when you need to be – nice!
You praise your children’s efforts and rejoice when they are persistent – nice!
You forget your children are watching you – naughty!
You say what you will do and do what you say – very nice!
You think you know it all when it comes to parenting – naughty!
You teach your children know how to set and meet goals – nice!
You teach your children to be self-reliant and responsible for their actions – nice!
You remember to have time to yourself, to reenergize - nice!
You have an open mind toward things you don’t understand – nice!
You love being a parent – nice!

Check this list twice, and find out if you're naughty or nice!

These are just a few of the things that most of us would consider naughty or nice as we raise our children. But all of us are naughty and nice to some degree. What we hope for is to be working towards being nicer and away from naughty. What is important to remember is to not buy your children’s love or make up for your shortcomings through expensive gifts. This and every Christmas, if you indeed celebrate Christmas, be sure to remind your family of its deeper meaning. And the wrapped gifts you give should pale in comparison to the love you have shared with every child.

#powerofdadhood

Original version published Dec 2016

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What I Really Want for Christmas!

12/6/2023

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Wishing all families be whole this Christmas season and forever more!

Photo: M.Smith

Originally written on 12/22/2014

As a kid, I remember being so excited about Christmas morning that I could barely sleep, tossing and turning all night on Christmas Eve. My brothers, sisters, and I would wake up early, usually before the sun rose, and our mouths would be as wide open as our eyes when we saw what was under a usually scraggy tree. All the presents were open before you could ask “how did Santa get in without a fireplace?” A mountain of wrapping paper covered the floor. Even though we didn’t have much money, we always seemed to have a nice Christmas one way or the other. There are many to thank for that, especially my Mom!

Then as an adult, when our kids were young, my wife and I would make sure they were asleep on Christmas Eve before making multiple trips up and down the stairs to gather all their presents and put them under the tree, hoping we could get a good night’s rest. We were a little tougher on our kids, not letting them tear into the presents right away. On Christmas morning, we (mostly my wife, Kathy) made them take turns opening their gifts so each present and each kids’ reaction were more appreciated. After a couple of Christmases like that, they cooperated nicely.

Photo: A McLellan

Now I’m a grandparent. It’s not about getting presents any longer, and we can sleep later because the grandkids come over after opening Santa’s presents at their own homes. However, we made a special request for Santa to bring some of their presents to our house.

I can’t wait to see our six year old and one year old granddaughters, and our two year old grandson opening gifts at our house. The look of excitement on the faces of little children as they rip open presents is one of life’s true joys! And yes, we ask that they take turns but, hey, they're little. Then after all gifts are open, the kids play in the boxes! On that basis, I was always good for numerous cheap presents thinking the kids don't know the difference under five years old and the act of tearing off wrapping paper was the true joy!

However, Christmas season is not just for children, it’s for families! It’s a reason to be together, to make new memories, to love and be loved, and to get to know each other just a little more. That’s what it is supposed to be like…and it is for most of us. But Christmas can also intensify whatever troubles there may be within a family.

If a member of the family, who you miss very much, is not with you on Christmas--you miss them more than ever. If there is turmoil in a family, Christmas can help to relieve that turmoil, or make it worse. Yes, Christmas is a very tough time of year for many families.

I have progressed in my wishes for Christmas over the years.

At six--a cowboy hat and a toy pistol/holster combo.
At sixteen--a mustang convertible, red with a white top.
At twenty six--a house of our own and kids.
At thirty six--suffering for all my enemies.
At forty six--World Peace!
At fifty six—retirement!
Note: I retired at 57, not bad! I'm 73 now and loving my family, and so missing my wife, who we lost 21 months ago.

I hit the jackpot at age six! The others Christmas wishes had to wait a little while, or I’m still waiting. But now I have a new wish.

So what do I really want for Christmas now that I have seen a few years? I want for other families what I am fortunate enough to already have. I want ALL families to be whole, with a mom and a dad, and throw in a few loving grandparents if possible. I want ALL kids to have good parents. I want ALL parents to have good kids with bright futures, who will become good parents themselves in a never-ending cycle of whole, mostly happy, productive families.

Hummm, sounds like I’m back to World Peace. Well, it never hurts to dream!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Photo: M. Smith

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Tools are the Best Gift a Parent Can Give a Child!

11/30/2023

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Not all tools are metal and wood. Some are skills to be understood.

Did you ever use a butter knife for a screwdriver - or a shoe for a hammer? I have! They don't work as well as the real tools.

I once interviewed for a job I wanted very much. I was qualified but I didn't get it. You know why? I lacked a critical social tool, confidence!

We all know a simple fishing pole can feed someone more often than a coupon at Long John Silver’s. Think about that! A tool, used properly, is a gift that keeps on giving. Once you use the coupon, you're done!

What kind of tools do you ask?

Having success in as many areas as possible is crucial, because the more tools one has, the more flexibility to adjust. Be aware of where your children may need help – help as in tools, not sympathy, or money, or things.

I'd like to quote a passage from my book, “The Power of Dadhood,” in which I discuss success in five areas.

From: The Power of Dadhood

In baseball, a “five-tool” player is one who can run, throw, field, hit for average, and hit with power. Few players fit the description of a five-tool player. When they do fulfill their potential in this way, they attain fame and fortune.

Highly successful people also have tools in five areas of success:

Financial Success: Not necessarily having a lot of money, but knowing how to manage the money you do have.
Relationship Success: Having loving friends and family members who can be counted on in good times and bad, just as they count on you.
Intellectual Success: Maximizing your intellect by being open to others, their ideas, and their culture. Always being open to learning. Having confidence, patience, and empathy while understanding your strengths and weaknesses, and those of others.
Physical Success: Giving your body and mind the exercise, nutrients, and rest they need.
Spiritual Success: Being able to live outside the needs of your ego with love and understanding for people and all living things. {This could be, but not necessarily, through your religion}

Dad Tip:

Being a “Five-Tool Success” isn’t inborn; it’s taught. And while both parents have a good deal to say in teaching this to their children, as Dads we can assess our children’s abilities and objectively help them meet their goals.

As fathers, giving our children these tools of success would be our own truest success. Look at each of your children. Which of these five tools does each of them need your help with? It will likely be different for each child. Spend time with each to teach, mentor, and encourage them as they make their way to success.

If you find one tool in which they all need help, it may be related to how they were raised. Hopefully you can recognize their shortcomings even if you have the same issues. To overcome these shortcomings, listen to the trusted advice of others, read voraciously, and practice what you learn. It will help if you can teach your children with the conviction of experience rather than just book learning.

Always remember the #powerofdadhood - and use your power wisely!

Watch out for my new book, "A Vagabond Life - A Memoir of Father Hunger", coming soon on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. It is the story of my growing up without a responsible father. This story is the catalyst for my blogs, and the reason I wrote, "The Power of Dadhood".
Thank You!

2 Comments

A Thought for Thanksgiving

11/21/2023

5 Comments

This article was written nine years ago when my first book, THE POWER OF DADHOOD, was coming out. Since that time our grandchildren have from toddlers and babies to 3rd, 4th, 5th graders and a high school freshman, my son has retired from 20 years in the Army, and I lost my beloved wife, Kathy, 20 months ago. She absolutely LOVED Thanksgiving. My children, grandchildren, and I miss her so, but we are still thankful for all the love she gave us for so many years!

I loved this photo of Kathy, so I am republishing this Thanksgiving article, which still holds up, in her honor!

My wife Kathy with the main course!

11/27/2014

To all those who read my blog, I want to say HAPPY THANKSGIVING! And thank you for taking time to read my thoughts on family and fatherhood. What a great time of year it is to rediscover your family and reevaluate how you treat and communicate with each other.

It’s difficult sometimes to be with loved ones, even during the holidays. Many live out of town, some are serving in the military. There are also in-laws to consider for married couples, multiple grandparents, and unfortunately for children, divorced parents and often two homes for them to celebrate. We are stretched to see all, or too far away to see anyone. But reach out however you can to show your love and concern.

I know of some sons and daughters who call their mother every day, and some mothers who expect and need it. I think that is great that they do this! However, I don’t call my mom every day--not even close, but we have a relationship that does not require that kind communication. My mom has no doubt of my love for her and knows I would be there for her at the drop of a hat. I know she is safe because my brother lives with her and my sister lives within two miles.

Usually, extra tables are required for large gatherings

I bring this up because you must treat each loved one differently. Some need attention, some are uncomfortable with attention. Some are easy to be with and others can be difficult to be around. There are also perceived jealousies to deal with and sibling rivalries that come and go while others last forever.

In light of all these factors, I suggest, that at special times and during certain events, you go one step further than you normally do with relatives and loved ones.

A little touch football before enjoying our dinner.

Say “I love you” if you rarely do.
If you never hug, do so. If you do hug, hold it just a little longer.
Don’t carry any grudges. Forget any current issues while you are together.
Recall and discuss good times of the past. Don’t bring up old wounds.
Be sincerely interested in everyone and their families.

These are not revolutionary thoughts, just reminders. And while you may say we should be this way at all times, you are right. Realistically, however, we will not. Just go that one step further than you normally do and be thankful for all you have.

Again, I appreciate any and all of the support you have given me. Please recommend my blog and/or upcoming book to any father who is young, new to fatherhood, or seems lost as a dad. Healthy parental-child relationships go a very long way towards happy and successful lives and make events like we have seen this past week, less likely.

PS. Play touch football before eating or you'll NEVER get to it! Enjoy your turkey!

5 Comments

75 Things I Believe In

9/3/2023

3 Comments

We all believe in certain things, and the sum of those beliefs really defines us. As a father and grandfather, I hope to pass on some of my beliefs to those loved ones that follow me, while letting them decide the beliefs they choose to follow. Being less than perfect, I do not always do, or have not done, everything I suggest below. But I do, or have done, most and believe in the rest. Your list would be different and maybe much better, but after you write down such a list, you will know yourself better. But to really know yourself, let friends and family grade you on how well it describes you. I expect it could very much be an eye-opener. Here goes.

I believe in the following thoughts/ideas:

Be able to pass a citizenship test
Moderation in all things
Use technology, but don’t let it use you
Let your good deeds be discovered, not announced
Serve in the military or some civic service
Occasionally give each of your children your undivided attention
Pick up random bits of litter
Make fresh air a priority
Desire perfection but accept a best effort
Visit other countries and other parts of your country
Visit people in a nursing home
Take care of babies and toddlers for a week before having your own
Work with those of different ethnicity
Eat less, move more
Reward yourself occasionally
Earn what you take
Be generous with what you earn
Study history
Notice things
Rethink having earphones on in public
Occasionally take deep breaths
Be a mentor to someone
Smile honestly
Make every attempt to be on time
Take long walks
Be responsible for something
Do what you say you will do
Never smoke that first cigarette
Understand risk and consequences
Take a parenting class/test prior to having a child
Stop at lemonade stands
Respond to all reasonable requests, even if it’s no.
Have a workable plan
Have an informed opinion
Watch the movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life”
Remember the good, forget the bad, but learn from both
Trust your instincts
Go to farmer’s markets
Don’t accept the rude behavior of others (unless they can beat you up)
Never tailgate, except at sporting events
Save at least 5% of whatever you earn, 10% or more is better
Wave to folks in sparely populated areas
Have some knowledge of etiquette
Look up at billowy white clouds
Dress properly for the occasion
Argue respectfully
Never be patronizing
Make eye contact
Governments should make laws, enforce laws, and interpret laws—as seldom as possible
Never use the f-word (except, maybe, when you stub your toe, etc.)
Buy locally when possible
Give family the benefit of doubt, while being the toughest to convince.
Think outwardly, not inwardly
If you move away, always root for your home team
Let cashiers know if you were undercharged (or overcharged)
Never forget the big picture
Violence is a display of fear and ignorance
Whistle while you’re alone, but rarely in public.
Know the friends of your kids
Wear seatbelts/helmets because your smart, not because it’s the law
Never text while driving, even if you think you’re good at it.
Give in sometimes, but not at the wrong times.
Swing your arms when you walk, slightly.
Be patriotic! But not ‘idiotic’ patriotic.
Never stop learning
Keep busy
Never be drunk and/or naked in front of your kids
Respect the customs of others, especially in their homes and/or country
Ask a lot of questions, especially at your doctor’s and insurance agent’s
Call your mom
If you have a good relationship with your dad, you won’t have to call him, but do.
Go out of your way to be kind to those who need kindness the most
Think, but not always
The best things in life are free, you just have to notice them.
The core family is the most important social unit on earth--it needs help