Category: Fatherhood

Father, Dad, Good Dad, Better Dad, Best Dad Ever!

6/18/2023

(A Tool for Dadhood)

When I see a father holding his child's hand, or pushing a stroller, I get a mini-shot of endorphins in my brain. I admit being sensitized to the relationships of men to their families. It's in my DNA, background, and life mission since retirement. Holding your child's hand is simple yet effective, and most fathers do this automatically. But not every facet of fatherhood happens automatically. To be the best father you can be depends on your willingness to listen, learn, and contribute using every tool available. Occupations, sports, hobbies, etc. all have tools and would suffer without them. That brings me to a tool for ‘Dadhood’, which is 'fatherhood with caring.'

A Tool that will make you an even better Dad!

In my book, “The Power of Dadhood,” Appendix B is a tool all fathers can use to evaluate their actions and skills as a parent. Its title is “A Dad’s Self Inspection (DSI) Checklist.”

Every year around Father’s Day I make the DSI Checklist available as a reminder to dads to think about their children in a focused way. It will take just a few moments to go over in your head and can be a tipping point positively contributing to being a more effective, loving, and caring father. Please read and think about every question that applies to your situation. It could change you or your children’s lives, or the checklist may validate that you already are an outstanding dad!

The DSI Checklist is an eye-opening and straightforward list of questions you can ask yourself as a father. If you would keep it handy, glancing at it occasionally, it can pull you back to your children in areas where you may have been lax. I developed it after I had written the book. Therefore, every question is a topic addressed in the book, helping with details.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist

Are you there for them, not just around?

Do you/did you hold your children as babies and toddlers?
Do you enjoy spending time with your kids?
Do you make time to focus on your kids?
Would you consider yourself loving and do your kids KNOW you care for them?
On occasion, do you give them special one-on-one attention?
Do you comfort your kids when appropriate?
Are you willing to be ‘hated’ for doing the right thing for your children?
Do you really listen to them?
Do you have fun together?

Do you help your children face their fears?

Do you push (encourage) your meek children forward and hold back (protect) your adventurous children?
Are you aware of any peer pressure they may be facing and how to deal with it?
Do you give them reachable challenges to conquer to build up their confidence?
Do you praise their efforts and rejoice when they are persistent?
Can you tell if and when your help will make them stronger or weaker?

Does your family work together and support each other?

Do you and their mother see eye to eye on how to raise your children? Can you compromise?
Do you continue to parent the only way you know how, or do you research other options?
Are you aware of how much you, as a father, can influence your children in both positive and negative ways? If not, read my blog or books on fatherhood.
Do you develop family traditions that are loved by the entire family?
Do you know children’s friends? Do you approve of their values?
Is diversity allowed and cooperation encouraged in your home?
Are you careful to not favor one child over another?
Do you never give in, give in too much, or give in as appropriate to your children’s requests?
Do you communicate clearly with the children’s mother regarding punishments, rewards, their whereabouts, schedule etc.?

Are you a good example to your children and do you represent yourself well?

Do you avoid abusing your power as a father, using influence instead of force?
Do you have an open mind toward things you don’t understand?
Are you consistent in your actions, discipline, encouragement, love?
Following your lead, are your children respectful and kind to others?
Are you a good model for your daughters to know how to be treated by boys or other men?

Is building the character of your children a conscious part of your parenting?

Would you want your children to act as you do? Children will usually mimic you.
Do you encourage your children’s passions, dreams, and individuality?
Do you realize that lessons taught when your children are young will be anchored in them, but missed lessons may haunt you for a long time? Prevention is much easier than healing!
Do you allow them to make mistakes (for learning) when no one or nothing gets hurt?
Do you teach, or exemplify to your kids, kindness, values, discipline, or manners?
Do you praise good behavior while redirecting/correcting inappropriate behavior?
Do you help them to make responsible choices?
Do you tell your children mistakes are okay, but known wrongdoing is NOT a mistake?
Do you instill integrity, teaching what’s right to do and what is wrong to do?
Do they know what humility means and how it can help them to be liked and respected?
Do you teach your children to be self-reliant and to be responsible for their actions?
Have you taught them how to earn, value, save, and spend money?
Do your children know how to set and meet goals?
Do you emphasize and support education?

Summary

If you have plowed through this checklist, congratulations! The mere fact that you went through it all indicates you probably did well on your self-inspection. Your most important personal contribution to your family and society is your dedication to the welfare of your children. But none of us are perfect, and we do have many distractions. It’s good to review this checklist occasionally, maybe every Father's Day week, to check up on yourself while you are checking up on your children. Ask for guidance if you could use some help!

Note: Every topic in this checklist is explained, discussed, or answered in my book, “The Power of Dadhood: Become the Father Your Child Needs.”

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What Dads Do

5/29/2023

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A man took his two sons camping one gorgeous weekend in May. The boys’ names were Jeff and Joe. Jeff was 10-years-old and Joe was 7-years-old. The boys were different in personality as one would expect. Jeff was bigger than Joe, not just because he was older, but because he had a husky build while Joe was slight. Jeff always had to be prodded by his parents to do anything. Joe was ambitious, a self-starter.

The boys got along as well, as well as brothers can, but Jeff had a habit of taunting Joe, claiming to be stronger, faster, and better at video games. The father noticed this sibling rivalry and didn’t think too much of it. After all, it was a rite of brotherhood to challenge each other and competition was good for both of them.

The father decided that while Jeff was getting the best of Joe, Joe was the one becoming a stronger person from the interaction. Jeff had the ability but he didn’t really make the most of it. In his heart, the father knew that his younger son Joe was the more likely to succeed in the future. He thought he needed to do something to reward Joe and to teach Jeff a life lesson.

After setting up their tents and eating some breakfast bars, the father asked both boys to bring the biggest stone they could carry to the campsite, the biggest! He told them he had a surprise for them. They both went down to a rocky creek, full of boulders, big and small.

After a short time, Jeff came back huffing and puffing with a decent sized stone. He was proud of himself and his dad was impressed. They sat around their campsite and waited for Joe. A few minutes later, Joe came up the hill drenching wet with sweat and struggling. Joe also had another decent sized rock but it was noticeably smaller than Jeff’s.

“So what is the surprise?” asked Jeff, Joe still catching his breath. “What are we going to do with these big ol’ rocks?”

“Well”, said their father, “We are going to look at these rocks and see who actually got the biggest one.”

“It’s obvious dad. I got the biggest rock!” exclaimed Jeff.

“You sure did, Jeff.” his father said calmly.

Joe complained, “That’s not fair Dad. Jeff is bigger than me.”

“Hum, you’re right Joe.” said his father. “Jeff, you are almost twice as big as your brother, but his rock is not that much smaller.”

“I still won because my rock is bigger”, said Jeff.

His father, ready to explain said, “Jeff, even though you came back with the biggest rock, Joe gave more effort. Sometimes you can win because you have an advantage. That’s good but not near as satisfying as when you out-work someone. If you gave as much effort as your brother, your rock would have been much bigger than his. If you go by effort, Joe has the biggest rock by far.”

“But I didn’t know it was a contest,” said Jeff.

“Every day of your life is a contest,” said his father. “You will be competing for everything and without your best effort, even if you are talented, you will never reach your potential.”

At his point, Joe was beaming! He was proud to have been recognized by his dad. Jeff, on the other hand, was quietly thinking about what his dad had just told him.

You could say that the moral of this story is to always give your best effort if you really care about success. And that is true! But the real message of this story is this--This is what good dads do!

They observe, they help, they mentor, they correct, they teach, and they love.

The Power of Dadhood

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Understanding "The Power of Dadhood"

4/19/2023

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My granddaughter when TPOD was published

This blog, “Helping Fathers to be Dads” is my way of giving back for all I have been blessed with in my life after a rocky start. Almost all those blessings revolve around my family, especially my core group – my wife, children, and grandchildren. I dream of every family being whole and healthy! If you have issues in other aspects of your life, and we all do, a close-knit and loving family will you get through them with much less anguish.

Families Do Make a Difference - It's HUGE!

It was the stark contrast between my childhood family and my adult family that drove me to write my book on parenting, “The Power of Dadhood”. As a child, my family had no stability, few rules, and little mutual support. On the other hand, as a parent in partnership with my wife, my adult family had stability, many rules, and plenty of mutual support. As a result, clearly and without question, my children were better prepared to handle the challenges of life more than my siblings and I had been. As a child of an unsupportive father I saw and lived through the damage that came to us all as a result. I was determined to do my best to minimize that damage by helping fathers to be the best dads they could be.

Why Focus on Fathers?

Indeed, it is not just the father who makes the difference; it’s the partnership of a father and mother. My concentration, however, is on dads for reasons that are three-fold.

My father was the most responsible for our family’s dire situation.
Fathers, in general, are woefully underappreciated in their parental influence.
I am a child who missed out on positive paternal interaction, and it affected my life and fathering style.

Helping fathers to be dads is the passion of my retirement years. Writing both the blog and book cost me much time and expense, but the return is priceless! If, by reading my book or blog, a father becomes ‘one smile better’, or gives a hug that might not have otherwise happened, or when a child overcomes a challenge through the encouragement of his dad, then I have been compensated beyond words!

Being a parent is difficult! It is even more difficult without sharing lessons learned. Most fathers never read parenting books and often can be good dads without doing so. I doubt, however, that any parent knows everything and many don’t know much. We have to admit this and put some effort to be the best parent possible to the most important people in our lives!

Understanding the Power

Below is the Table of Contents for “The Power of Dadhood”. Look over it and see if you could guess what each chapter will say about the topic. If you have no idea, or if you think you have an idea and want to compare, then beg, borrow, or buy (don’t steal) a copy. Your family is worth it! And that is the understatement of the year!

The Power of Dadhood – Table of Contents

The Implications of Fatherhood

Chapter 1: The Power of Fatherhood (what is it? how does it work?)
Chapter 2: The Absent Father (who is he? where is he?)
Chapter 3: To Be or Not to Be (a father?)
Chapter 4: The Social Implications of an Absent Father (what are the consequences?)

The Challenges of Fatherhood

Chapter 5: The Challenges of Being a Kid (Consider a kid’s point of view)
Chapter 6: The Challenges of Fathering (What are they and how do you address them?)
Chapter 7: The Challenges of the Family (Every family has them)

The Pyramid of Dadhood

Chapter 8: Be There! (Why is this so important?)
Chapter 9: Fathering with Love (Why doesn’t this happen more frequently?)
Chapter 10: Building Strong Children (How does one do this?)

The Pinnacle of the Pyramid

Chapter 11: Nurturing Sons and Daughters (They are different and similar)
Chapter 12: Money versus Success (What is true success?)
Chapter 13: The Rewards and a Confession (A reflection on my fathering)

Appendix A: The Seven Characteristics of a Successful Dad* (What do you think they could be?)
Appendix B: A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist* (Do you have the guts to evaluate yourself as a dad?)

* Essential – if you don’t read books then read (at a minimum) these two appendices!

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Why You Should Know Your Children – Genuinely!

2/3/2023

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The things you can learn in a quiet conversation!

Let me set the stage for this article on parenting by making a few statements and asking some questions.

No one knows your child as well as you ( the mother or father) do. Is that true?
No one is as likely to know your child as well as you. Is this statement true?
No one should know your child as well as you. Is this true?
You strive to know your children as best you can. Is this true?

These are questions to ask yourself as a parent. Whatever your answers are, many of you are wrong and don’t realize it. There can be many things you don't know about your kids and there may be people that are aware of things about them that you may never know. The hope is that you, at least, strive to know your children as best you can. If not, you can be hurting their development as you do things you assume are helping them. Similarly, you may be hurting their development if you ignore their tendencies, strengths, and weaknesses.

For instance, pushing a child into playing sports has the possibility of opening their eyes to competition, sportsmanship, working with others, and keeping in good physical shape. This would be great for most kids. For some children, however, being pushed into a sport contributes to feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, and a lack of self-confidence. It’s not that these children should not try sports, but knowing their desires and fears in advance would, at a minimum, determine just how much give and take there should be in forcing the issue.

Not pushing can also be a mistake. I have a somewhat distant relative, a millennial, who likely has a genius IQ. This was revealed in testing and the grades he received with little effort in school. But the young man makes a sloth look like the energizer bunny. His life is inactivity and video games. His father is not involved in his life at all and his mother is mildly interested in pushing him to succeed. No one really knew him as a child. Sure, they may have known he was smart and lazy, but anyone could have seen that. What they didn’t know was what might motivate him in a positive direction.

If Joey likes video games, don’t let him indulge in them until you find a way to take advantage of that interest. “Join the debate team, Joey. If you do, we will allow a certain amount of time on video games”. This could be an simple approach to ‘give and take’. “And Joey, if you win a debate, we may allow even more time on video games.” Your goal is not to let him build up rewards of video game time, but to distract him, hoping new challenges may awaken within him.

There is nothing wrong with rewarding good behavior in a sincere way, but it is damaging to not have negative consequences for bad behavior. But to do either means you have to know your child. Your rewards must be something they value and your consequences must be something they wish to avoid. Do you really know what those ‘rewards or consequences’, are?

Here’s another twist. Sometimes you need to stay out of their way. If you are lucky enough to have a kid that knows what he or she wants in life, (assuming it’s not world domination or a reality show, etc.), then let them follow their passion. It could be dance, science, horses, baseball, poetry -- i.e. anything of value to them and/or society. If you tell them there’s no future in poetry, then you’re likely thinking in monetary terms, not in terms of their happiness. You can give an opinion anytime but try to give them the benefit of doubt.

So it is that parents need to genuinely know their children in order to help them be successful. With some children, we need to intercede, assist, or push. With others, we need to let them fly. With all, we need to praise and encourage them when they seem to be on a good path.

To what purpose?

I like the NLT translation of Matthew 25:29, quoting Jesus.

“To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away.”

Michael Byron Smith
#powerofdadhood

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… because Memories Got in the Way

1/21/2023

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When we were younger. almost done raising our kids.

I have not been writing many blogs in this space lately. I lost my wife this past year and I’ve been writing a memoir. Going through things in my house, sadly transitioning to living alone and finding things I had forgotten. A photo put away that didn’t mean as much as it does now. Another photo that floods the memory. A note written that reminded me how simple it was to write then and how impossible it is to write now. My memoir is about a boy who hungered for his father. That hunger was never satisfied. But I met a young woman who learned to love me despite my lack of knowing how to be a man or how to treat a woman. Kathy is her name, and she became my wife. With her help, I learned to be the father my father never was while remaining a work in progress as a husband.

My first book, The Power of Dadhood, was a huge effort for me, and very successful for an unknown, first-time author. As a technical guy—a pilot, then an engineer, I didn’t know how to write at all. But I wanted to put on paper what I learned as a kid with a mostly absent father, and as a father myself. Because Kathy worked with parents and their children as a parent educator, she taught me so much, especially how important the connection is between parent and child in their first three years.

It’s been over twenty years since I began The Power of Dadhood, and seven years since it was published. My memoir, with a working title of The Vagabonds: A Memoir of Father Hunger, is the story of why I wrote my first book. Currently, my final manuscript is being edited.

When I sat down to write, what you see here was not what was intended. It’s too early to push my memoir, likely months away from publishing. What I was going to write was a small moment I had documented quickly in those small memoranda pads I kept with me before smartphones existed. I will probably follow through with that intended task in my next blog. The reason I wanted to publish those words, written maybe two decades ago, is because I think I was practicing for my first book. Or maybe it was just to capture a moment I had since forgotten. However, I was happy with what I had written so long ago, found because my life has changed so much recently. So that story will be written next time… because memories got in my way.

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‘Twas the Night Daddy Saved Christmas!

12/12/2022

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'Twas the Night Daddy Saved Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And this is no joke.
The kids were excited.
And the parents were broke!

The fireplace was gas,
And no keyhole in sight.
No way for Santa,
To come in tonight!

The children were worried!
How would Santa get in?
To place presents under the tree,
Set up in the den.

Dad, they asked puzzled,
What should we do?
To get in safely,
Santa will, for sure, need a clue.

Dad scratched his head slowly.
And gave it some thought.
“How can Santa get credit?
For the presents I bought.”

The lights in the tree
Had gone out again.
Dad said some bad words,
That made us all grin.

“I’m sorry”, said Daddy.
For those words that I said.
Let me think for a minute
While you get ready for bed.

He thought as he checked out
A new Christmas light strand.
Then “Eureka!” he said.
I now have a plan.

Write Santa a note,
And place it in the yard.
I’ll give him directions,
That won’t be too hard.

The note will tell him,
“Open the garage door”.
With a secret code for the combo,
That he can’t ignore.

The list he keeps has birthdays,
I’m certainly hopin’.
By entering your ages,
The garage door will open.

Malia is oldest,
That would be seven.
No tight chimney for Santa,
Will be just like heaven!

Ryan is second.
His age is three.
How much easier for Santa,
Can this possibly be?

Rosie is next.
Her number is two.
Not much else
For Santa to do.

Juliette is one.
The last code Santa needs.
To do another,
Of Santa’s good deeds.

Seven, Three, Two, One.
Are the numbers to enter.
Santa will be thrilled.
He’ll remember this winter.

Our daddy’s a genius!
Our presents will be here.
But having a daddy who helps us,
Will make our Christmas this year!

Merry Christmas!

Michael Byron Smith
12/24/2015

#powerofdadhood

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47 Reasons Why Being a Dad is So Awesome!

11/28/2022

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If you are a man who lives life with passion, you will have many things for which to be thankful, and numerous experiences to reflect upon. But if you also become a father, your world will expand many times over. Being a dad is awesome, but only if you are up to the task. You must be selfless and give to your children, but they will pay you back many times over. Here are forty-seven reasons I have come up with why being a dad is so cool. I’m sure you can add to the list with your own experiences.

The list follows this slide show representing 15 of the reasons. (You may have to be on the website to see it.)

1. Each enjoyment is earned through hard work and tough times, and that’s the first thing that is cool about being a dad.
2. Your chest will swell with every one of your children’s achievements.
3. The sound of “Daddy” from your child’s voice is magical.
4. You don’t think so much about yourself.
5. Hugs around the neck are the best!
6. Giggles are precious!
7. Being available and present is appreciated forever.
8.   You will smile when they bring you a book to read to them.
9. Your emotions are elevated to dizzying heights!
10.   You are the most important man in their world!
11.   Keeping small secrets with them is fun, and it bonds.
12.   Saying, “That’s my son!” or “That’s my daughter!”
13.   When you hear them say, “That’s my dad!”
14.   Teaching them to stand tall is a great gift for both of you.
15.   Fixing stuff together is a blast.
16.   Seeing your children be unselfish.
17.   When they are respectful to their elders.
18.   Their successes are your successes.
19.   Seeing your kids showing love and affection to their mother.
20.   They love when you make French toast on Saturday mornings.
21.   Being an example makes you a better man.
22.   Riddles and puzzles are fun things to do together.
23.   Teaching them to the point of failure is priceless.
24.   Playing catch with your kids is more than playing catch.
25.   When they understand when it’s time for fun, or time to be serious.
26.   Finishing what you and they start will make you careful about what is important.
27.   Your daughter playing in the dirt while your son plays ball will make you smile.
28.   Seeing your kids’ help, comfort, and play with each other.
29.   Tractors or princesses will be the center of their young lives
30. Tea parties can be fun for them, and the memories of them are wonderful for all.
31.   When your child reaches up to you from a crawl that says, “I want you to hold me”.
32.   Remembering when you let you son/daughter splash in mud puddles then taking the heat from mom
33.   Stick drawings of you smiling makes you smile again.
34.   Letting them steer your car (or tractor) when it’s safe. They love that!
35.   When they learn to eat with their mouth closed.
36.   When they speak to you, eye to eye, you will be proud.
37.   They’ll do goofy things that make you laugh.
38.   Being wore out from piggy back rides is a good tired.
39.   When your heart melts, you are helpless, and it feels good.
40.   When your kids are kind to the less fortunate.
41.   When your son follows you around because he wants to be like you.
42.   Realizing a toddler can crawl on your lap before you know they’re doing it.
43.   Knowing they don’t care about your imperfections.
44.   Being your kids’ favorite teacher.
45.   Knowing they are happy to see you come home from work.
46.   Graduations, dance recitals, ball games, plays, etc.—you and mom being the most important attendees!
47.   Being a dad means you may be a grandfather someday. If you think being a dad is cool, try being a grandfather!

This list is not complete because the joy has no limits. The point is--fatherhood can be wonderful, and the most fulfilling responsibility you will ever take on. How wonderful depends mostly on you and the limits you establish. What you put into it, comes back again and again.

Click on the title to order my book: The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs

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The Social Consequences of Father Absence

7/27/2022

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Why do some neighborhoods live in relative peace and prosperity while others live in fear and dread? The real answer is rarely discussed nor seriously attacked.

In any society you will find:

Child abuse
Education issues
Poverty
Crime
Emotional and behavioral problems
Inappropriate sexual activity involving minors

But in a society where few fathers are engaged with their children, these issues explode!

The societal symptoms mentioned above are addressed much more aggressively than the cause. We often blame crime on drugs, drug trade is blamed on the lack of work opportunity, lack of work opportunity is caused by educational issues, educational issues exist because of poverty, and poverty is caused by all these issues. Where does it begin and how do we stop it?

Many believe, as I do, that most of these issues are rooted in the breakdown of the family.

What Linda Eyre’s says is true! Can anyone deny that the issues of society would be dramatically decreased with more effective families? Families are ineffective for many reasons, often because the parents were the result of their ineffective families. And if we are honest, the reason families are not whole or effective is most often due to the lack of fathers in the home.

One vs Two Parent Homes

One parent homes can and do work, but not nearly as often or as well as two parent homes. Two parent homes have twice the love, twice the variety, better financial capability, and both feminine and masculine models.

Having positive role models is vitally important! A boy needs to watch his father and learn from him. He needs his father’s approval and validation. If not, the boy tries to prove himself to the wrong people in all the wrong ways.

Girls need to be loved by a father who will show her how to be properly treated by a man and to experience male approval. If she does not find male approval from her father, she will seek it elsewhere, often in the wrong places.

The Cycle of Despair

When a fatherless boy, who is desperate to prove his masculinity, meets a girl who is looking for male approval, you can assume we have the making of another dysfunctional family. In The Power of Dadhood, I call this the “cycle of despair.” Defeated mothers and absent fathers create future defeated mothers and absent fathers.

Let’s look at some statistics which come most often from the US Census Bureau.

So we do have serious issues in society, but these stats tell us they are caused, in very large part, by kids growing up in homes without a father involved.

Teen pregnancies and high school dropouts alone are serious issues that can take generations to correct. I know....I’ve seen and lived it firsthand. Around 85% of these situations are from father-absent homes. Resolving these two issues alone, by closing the fatherhood gap, would erase many other social issues.

Fathers or Government?

Most government programs address symptoms that will never go away without addressing the cause. We can build drug treatment centers and prisons, rely on government-assisted childcare, provide school lunch programs and food stamps, which are well intended programs that help and often work well temporarily in smaller settings, but they won’t stop these societal issues from reoccurring. And no matter how hard it tries to provide food, shelter, and medical care for needy families, our government cannot provide the two most important things a child needs from a father: love…. and emotional support.

The only program that would help every issue mentioned is a program to encourage, train, and mentor young parents, especially the dads.

It’s not my intention to blame all our social ills on irresponsible fathers. There are some fine families with troubled kids and some troubled families whose offspring find a way out and are very successful. Many times the mother is the ill-suited parent, or the mother may block a father from seeing his children. No matter the situation, it is clear that healthier and whole families would allow our social issues to be much more manageable!

My Thoughts

Lets spend money on something that will eventually save money, and much more importantly, save lives! It is my hope that many more private and government led programs will evolve that promote family welfare, not through subsistence but through better educated, willing and able parents. That education needs to start before young people become parents and continue after they are parents, especially if they have no example at home to follow. And admittedly, it would likely take three generation to see significant results--but it HAS to start!

The Correlation Between Single Parent Homes and Social Issues

If the statistics above don't convince you of the crises of father absence, examine the two maps below. (I'm from St. Louis so I'm using my home town as an example, but you will find similar maps in any city.)

On the left is a map displaying areas, in orange and red shading, where many single parent families exist. The green shading show areas where two parent homes exist 90-100% of the time.
On the right is a map displaying areas where major crimes occur.

The correlation is astounding if not surprising!

If you imprison every perpetrator of every crime, but don't fix the families--is there any doubt that those crime dots will reappear in the same places with the same density in little or no time? In too many single parent homes, there are teaching gaps, morality gaps, social misdeeds and immature philosophies that become accepted. But there are too few organizations, leaders, or mentors to counter this kind of thinking and the cycle continues.

Could the root cause of our social issues be any more clear!? Can we not concentrate on educating and emphasizing family values and responsibility?

Responsible fathers could work miracles. This is why I wrote, and why I believe in, "The Power of Dadhood"!

(Below are larger versions of the maps above)

To the right (east) of the Mississippi River is East St. Louis, IL.

* http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2012/dec/25/fathers-disappear-from-households-across-america/?page=all

** http://www.stltoday.com/news/multimedia/special/st-louis-area-homicide-map/html_aac4a83d-2729-58b6-9abe-158e8affa085.html

First published here in July 2015

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The Perils of Parenting

7/11/2022

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ou know what kids want, besides sympathy, sweets, and getting their way? They want to be loved, understood, and protected. They also want someone to help them when they need it and to watch their backs. Who better to do that than Mom and Dad?

What else do kids want? They want answers but may not ask. They want discipline but won’t admit it. They want consistency, but may not know it. They want attention, but on their terms. Surprisingly, perhaps, they don’t expect you to be perfect, but they do want you to be fair. It’s left up to parents to connect the dots, knowing when to give their kids what they want but may not realize.

Discipline is the tough responsibility for most parents. Characteristically, discipline is accompanied by anger, uncertainty, tentativeness, and a desire to look past the infraction and often followed by remorse, guilt, and reflection. When my oldest daughter was a young teen, I became upset with her for reasons I don’t recall. But I became angry at her defiance at the time. It was stealthy defiance, the kind where kids give you the “how dare you” look. My rising anger involved yelling and threatening looks. As I recall, I acted more threatening than I would ever be in reality. Regretfully, I was resorting to fear as my weapon. My official stance is to never parent through fear, but we know that isn’t always easy.

When a child gives you a smirk, or laughs at your reprimands, or ignores your directions, it is a show of disrespect. That disrespect is a challenge to you. It’s a test of where the limits are and a power-play you cannot lose. But how do you go about not losing? How do you keep your cool? If I had a pat answer to that, I would have a parenting show on the Oprah Winfrey Network. What I do know is you must have a response that is swift and strong - but without anger. But who am I kidding? How can you not have anger occasionally?

When I say your response should be without genuine anger, I mean being out of control. Showing controlled anger helps to get your point across, IMHO. Without having any specific recommendation as to how to handle a challenge by your child, I do recommend that you be thinking at that moment, “Am I in control?” While fear is not a gold star tool of parenting, you must demand respect from your children. Fortunately, you can get that respect by your fairness and consistency throughout your parenting. It will do you well in most circumstances. But we don’t live under a permanent rainbow, nor do we ride unicorns on cotton candy clouds. Challenge is in children’s nature. It’s how they learn.

When kids refrain from doing something, of which you would not approve, hopefully, their decision is based on fear of losing your respect and not out of fear of reprisal. But fear is a very close cousin to respect, and we can’t deny that. For instance, I admire 99% of police for what they do and the dangers they face. But I also have a bit of fear when one knocks at my door or pulls me over in traffic. Police carry weapons - there is both fear and respect in that. In a way, you are the law enforcers in your home, and kids react in different ways to your authority. Some will respect your earned authority (you’re a good cop) and others will not (evoking the bad cop).

I still think about that time some thirty years ago when I frightened my daughter over her perceived disrespect for me. I may have overreacted (although I think she overreacted also). I regret that incident, but while I was angry and showed it, I knew what I was doing at the time. I was not out of control. I may not react the same way today, but my daughter did know one thing after that incident - I loved her, and I was being her dad.

Summary

There are no pat answers to parenting. However, always think through what you are doing. Never lose control. Mistakes will be made, and be comforted that you are not alone in making them. Perfection will not be the reason your kids love you. But there is something that will make them love (or hate) you, and that is their perception of you. If your children:

perceive you are loving and protecting them,
that you have their backs,
that disciplining is just part of your molding them to be better people, and
you are predictable and consistent,

then you will be loved as much as any child can love a parent – despite your occasional mistakes.

Your child’s perception of you is more important than your attempted perfection as a parent!

Originally posted July 2019

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Nine Simple But Difficult Rules for Parenting

3/1/2022

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Nine Simple Yet Difficult Rules for Parenting

Be your child’s biggest advocate.
Find balance in your parenting.
Be involved with your children’s lives, but not too involved. (see #2)
Be a fun parent when appropriate. Be stern, when necessary. (see #2)
Be loving and show it—but have strict boundaries for behavior. (see #2)
Be consistent with rules and consequences, but don’t be totally inflexible. (see #2)
Never argue with your spouse in front of your children, nor use them as tools.
Treat all your children fairly, but you can’t treat them all the same. They’re individuals.
Remember that your child trusts what they see in you more than what you say.

An important consideration

Every child benefits by having two parents/guardians. Every measure and statistic support this statement. Often single parents, mostly mothers, are offended by this comment when they need not be. Most single parents are heroic in doing the job of two. Often, being a single parent is not a choice, yet children need the love and perspective of both a male and a female. Seek the help of a friend or relative to fill that void if it exists. (see #2)

My mother was married but raised six children alone. And while no family can follow these rules perfectly, it was impossible for my mother. She did her best without the help of my father. We all had to deal with the consequences of that situation; and there were many.

Michael Byron Smith
Author of “The Power of Dadhood” and the “Helping Fathers to be Dad’s” Blog (MichaelByronSmith.com)

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