Available on Amazon.com and BN.com

(A Tool for Dadhood)

When I see a father holding his child's hand, or pushing a stroller, I get a mini-shot of endorphins in my brain. I admit being sensitized to the relationships of men to their families. It's in my DNA, background, and life mission since retirement. Holding your child's hand is simple yet effective, and most fathers do this automatically. But not every facet of fatherhood happens automatically. To be the best father you can be depends on your willingness to listen, learn, and contribute using every tool available. Occupations, sports, hobbies, etc. all have tools and would suffer without them. That brings me to a tool for  ‘Dadhood’, which is 'fatherhood with caring.'

A Tool that will make you an even better Dad!

In my book, “The Power of Dadhood,” Appendix B is a tool all fathers can use to evaluate their actions and skills as a parent. Its title is “A Dad’s Self Inspection (DSI) Checklist.”

Every year around Father’s Day I make the DSI Checklist available as a reminder to dads to think about their children in a focused way. It will take just a few moments to go over in your head and can be a tipping point positively contributing to being a more effective, loving, and caring father. Please read and think about every question that applies to your situation. It could change you or your children’s lives, or the checklist may validate that you already are an outstanding dad!

The DSI Checklist is an eye-opening and straightforward list of questions you can ask yourself as a father. If you would keep it handy, glancing at it occasionally, it can pull you back to your children in areas where you may have been lax. I developed it after I had written the book. Therefore, every question is a topic addressed in the book, helping with details.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

ou know what kids want, besides sympathy, sweets, and getting their way? They want to be loved, understood, and protected. They also want someone to help them when they need it and to watch their backs. Who better to do that than Mom and Dad?

What else do kids want? They want answers but may not ask. They want discipline but won’t admit it. They want consistency, but may not know it. They want attention, but on their terms. Surprisingly, perhaps, they don’t expect you to be perfect, but they do want you to be fair. It’s left up to parents to connect the dots, knowing when to give their kids what they want but may not realize.

Discipline is the tough responsibility for most parents. Characteristically, discipline is accompanied by anger, uncertainty, tentativeness, and a desire to look past the infraction and often followed by remorse, guilt, and reflection. When my oldest daughter was a young teen, I became upset with her for reasons I don’t recall. But I became angry at her defiance at the time. It was stealthy defiance, the kind where kids give you the “how dare you” look. My rising anger involved yelling and threatening looks. As I recall, I acted more threatening than I would ever be in reality. Regretfully, I was resorting to fear as my weapon. My official stance is to never parent through fear, but we know that isn’t always easy.

When a child gives you a smirk, or laughs at your reprimands, or ignores your directions, it is a show of disrespect. That disrespect is a challenge to you. It’s a test of where the limits are and a power-play you cannot lose. But how do you go about not losing? How do you keep your cool? If I had a pat answer to that, I would have a parenting show on the Oprah Winfrey Network. What I do know is you must have a response that is swift and strong - but without anger. But who am I kidding? How can you not have anger occasionally?

When I say your response should be without genuine anger, I mean being out of control. Showing controlled anger helps to get your point across, IMHO. Without having any specific recommendation as to how to handle a challenge by your child, I do recommend that you be thinking at that moment, “Am I in control?” While fear is not a gold star tool of parenting, you must demand respect from your children. Fortunately, you can get that respect by your fairness and consistency throughout your parenting. It will do you well in most circumstances. But we don’t live under a permanent rainbow, nor do we ride unicorns on cotton candy clouds. Challenge is in children’s nature. It’s how they learn.

When kids refrain from doing something, of which you would not approve, hopefully, their decision is based on fear of losing your respect and not out of fear of reprisal. But fear is a very close cousin to respect, and we can’t deny that. For instance, I admire 99% of police for what they do and the dangers they face. But I also have a bit of fear when one knocks at my door or pulls me over in traffic. Police carry weapons - there is both fear and respect in that. In a way, you are the law enforcers in your home, and kids react in different ways to your authority. Some will respect your earned authority (you’re a good cop) and others will not (evoking the bad cop).
​
I still think about that time some thirty years ago when I frightened my daughter over her perceived disrespect for me. I may have overreacted (although I think she overreacted also). I regret that incident, but while I was angry and showed it, I knew what I was doing at the time. I was not out of control. I may not react the same way today, but my daughter did know one thing after that incident - I loved her, and I was being her dad.

Summary

There are no pat answers to parenting. However, always think through what you are doing. Never lose control. Mistakes will be made, and be comforted that you are not alone in making them. Perfection will not be the reason your kids love you. But there is something that will make them love (or hate) you, and that is their perception of you. If your children:

• perceive you are loving and protecting them,
• that you have their backs,
• that disciplining is just part of your molding them to be better people, and
• you are predictable and consistent,

then you will be loved as much as any child can love a parent – despite your occasional mistakes.

Your child’s perception of you is more important than your attempted perfection as a parent!

Originally posted July 2019
​

​How to Encourage Self-Care For Kids

​Kids today live in a complex world where they have easy access to a wealth of information, which they don't always know how to process. From an early age, it's important that children learn coping mechanisms and how to de-stress from the frenetic world around them. When children learn self-care, it makes it easier for them to identify their own physical and emotional needs, which paves the way for handling stress well in the future. As a parent or caregiver, you might be wondering where to start with teaching kids about self-care. 

Be a Role Model

Parents or caregivers should practice self-care. Kids pick up on their caregivers' emotions and mirror what's happening in the home. Your anxiety and stress could rub off on them, so focus on maintaining balanced routines, eating healthily, and reducing work stress. 

Let Kids Be Bored

You don't need to provide constant entertainment for children. Let them be bored. Bored moments inspire creativity and provide a blank canvas for their young imaginations to run wild. When you leave kids to their own devices in a safe environment, you'll soon find them recreating scenarios from school, making up dance routines, and putting on shows. Boredom allows for expression and new ideas. 

Get Kids Involved in Arts and Crafts

Art can be therapeutic for children. It's an outlet for them to express their innermost emotions without having to verbally share them. Crafting can also improve hand-eye coordination and fine-motor skills, which builds confidence. 

Drawing is a great outlet for young people who suffer from anxiety, as it gives them a space to draw how they feel. Some kids are encouraged to match colors to emotions, which can help adults understand how they're feeling.

Encourage Time Outdoors

Encourage some time in nature, away from the screen. If you see your child is stressed, tell them about the calming effects of nature and instill a passion for the outdoors. As they get older, they'll learn that being outside is good for the mind and soul.

Find outdoor spaces and activities for kids. Try paddle boating on the river, have a picnic, or cycle on trails in your area.

Teach Kids to Breathe Mindfully

Teach your child that being upset and anxious is normal, but they can make themselves feel better. A simple technique is to get them to take five or ten slow deep breaths. Count with them until they learn how to do it themselves. It's a worthwhile technique for calming the nerves.

Schedule Family Time

Whether it's daily or weekly, schedule family time. Decide on an activity that everyone enjoys, such as walking the dog or playing a board game, and encourage everyone to participate. One simple daily practice is to each share one thing about the day that you really enjoyed. This encourages connection, gratitude, and positivity. 
​
Practice Self-Care for Happiness Kids need to learn that happiness is essential. When practicing self-care from an early age, children will learn vital skills to handle stressors later on in life.

This helpful article was submitted to 'Helping Fathers to be Dads' by Lacie Martin of Raise Them Well.org <[email protected]rg>
​