Helping Fathers Become Dads - MichaelByronSmith: The Power of Dadhood

36 Quick Suggestions for Your 2024 Attitude

12/27/2023

My granddaughter, Malia, reading when she was 11

For the New Year 2024, I hope the best for everyone. Most of it is up to you! This includes doing your best to be better no matter if it’s saving money, being a parent, or exercising. Of course, you can’t be the best at everything but you can have an great attitude! Here are some suggestions for your 2024 attitude. You don’t actually have to do these things (we can’t), but you can feel this way inside. Just think of John Travolta in the opening scene of “Staying Alive”. If that doesn’t put a bounce in your step, nothing will.

If you don’t like any of these suggestions, use your own. If you have your own thoughts on 'being like', let me know them in the comments section and I may publish them.

So......

36. But still be your best self!

#Powerofdadhood

Understanding "The Power of Dadhood"

4/19/2023

My granddaughter when TPOD was published

This blog, “Helping Fathers to be Dads” is my way of giving back for all I have been blessed with in my life after a rocky start. Almost all those blessings revolve around my family, especially my core group – my wife, children, and grandchildren. I dream of every family being whole and healthy! If you have issues in other aspects of your life, and we all do, a close-knit and loving family will you get through them with much less anguish.

Families Do Make a Difference - It's HUGE!

It was the stark contrast between my childhood family and my adult family that drove me to write my book on parenting, “The Power of Dadhood”. As a child, my family had no stability, few rules, and little mutual support. On the other hand, as a parent in partnership with my wife, my adult family had stability, many rules, and plenty of mutual support. As a result, clearly and without question, my children were better prepared to handle the challenges of life more than my siblings and I had been. As a child of an unsupportive father I saw and lived through the damage that came to us all as a result. I was determined to do my best to minimize that damage by helping fathers to be the best dads they could be.

Why Focus on Fathers?

Indeed, it is not just the father who makes the difference; it’s the partnership of a father and mother. My concentration, however, is on dads for reasons that are three-fold.

My father was the most responsible for our family’s dire situation.
Fathers, in general, are woefully underappreciated in their parental influence.
I am a child who missed out on positive paternal interaction, and it affected my life and fathering style.

Helping fathers to be dads is the passion of my retirement years. Writing both the blog and book cost me much time and expense, but the return is priceless! If, by reading my book or blog, a father becomes ‘one smile better’, or gives a hug that might not have otherwise happened, or when a child overcomes a challenge through the encouragement of his dad, then I have been compensated beyond words!

Being a parent is difficult! It is even more difficult without sharing lessons learned. Most fathers never read parenting books and often can be good dads without doing so. I doubt, however, that any parent knows everything and many don’t know much. We have to admit this and put some effort to be the best parent possible to the most important people in our lives!

Understanding the Power

Below is the Table of Contents for “The Power of Dadhood”. Look over it and see if you could guess what each chapter will say about the topic. If you have no idea, or if you think you have an idea and want to compare, then beg, borrow, or buy (don’t steal) a copy. Your family is worth it! And that is the understatement of the year!

The Power of Dadhood – Table of Contents

The Implications of Fatherhood

Chapter 1: The Power of Fatherhood (what is it? how does it work?)
Chapter 2: The Absent Father (who is he? where is he?)
Chapter 3: To Be or Not to Be (a father?)
Chapter 4: The Social Implications of an Absent Father (what are the consequences?)

The Challenges of Fatherhood

Chapter 5: The Challenges of Being a Kid (Consider a kid’s point of view)
Chapter 6: The Challenges of Fathering (What are they and how do you address them?)
Chapter 7: The Challenges of the Family (Every family has them)

The Pyramid of Dadhood

Chapter 8: Be There! (Why is this so important?)
Chapter 9: Fathering with Love (Why doesn’t this happen more frequently?)
Chapter 10: Building Strong Children (How does one do this?)

The Pinnacle of the Pyramid

Chapter 11: Nurturing Sons and Daughters (They are different and similar)
Chapter 12: Money versus Success (What is true success?)
Chapter 13: The Rewards and a Confession (A reflection on my fathering)

Appendix A: The Seven Characteristics of a Successful Dad* (What do you think they could be?)
Appendix B: A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist* (Do you have the guts to evaluate yourself as a dad?)

* Essential – if you don’t read books then read (at a minimum) these two appendices!

Dadhood is Fatherhood...PLUS!

3/1/2021

The Power of Dadhood - How to Become the Father Your Child Needs

The Most Wonderful Parent - Child Activity!

11/2/2020

Permission received from photographer

Dads, there is an activity that can make up for all the times you may have to work or travel for business. This activity certainly applies to busy and working mothers also. It combines caring, connection, attention, education, and entertainment all in one. What is this magical activity?

Reading to your young children!

If you don’t read to your children now, start today! If you do read to your children, read more. It can never be overdone, and you can never start too early. Educationally, reading aloud to kids allows them to relate words to scenes, creates wonder and imagination, and a strong desire to learn to read independently. Study after study finds much greater brain activation in those children whose parents read aloud to them. Early reading to your young children also helps them learn to speak, interact, and bond with you.

Liza Baker, the executive editorial director at Scholastic, says:

“It’s so important to start reading from Day One,” she says. “The sound of your voice, the lyrical quality of the younger [books] are poetic … It’s magical, even at 8 weeks old they focus momentarily, they’re closer to your heart.” As they begin to grow, families should make sure books are available everywhere in the home, like it’s your “daily bread.” (Amen.) But it shouldn’t end when kids begin to read on their own. “As they become independent readers, we tend to let them go, but even kids in older demographics love nothing more than that time with their parents,” Baker says. “We’re blown away that kids time and again said the most special time they recall spending with a parent is reading together.”

Choose books that will keep their attention and maybe make them laugh. Let them choose their books when they can. There are tons of books for kids at the library. My daughters came home with cloth bags full of books to read to their babies, then toddlers. The result is four kids who LOVE to read! Two of my grandchildren are three grades or more above their level in reading comprehension. I expect similar results for the other two.

Due to unfortunate circumstances, I wasn’t read to as a child, nor did I read a complete book on my own until I read “Johnny Tremain” in seventh grade. While that book opened my eyes to the education and entertainment of reading, I remained a very infrequent reader because the habit had not been ingrained in me. I recall being very bored as a child with a thimble full of curiosity, compared to my voracious curiosity today, and not reading impacted my confidence level. I was catching up with classmates for the first four years in school. It wasn’t until high school that I began to excel. Not being read to did not ruin my life, but I would have been more sure of myself and possibly more successful having had that opportunity.

There is no doubt that everyone benefits from reading to your children! You become a better parent with closer connections to your enlightened child. Studies have shown that some children have heard millions of more words than others by the time they start reading. I would want my child to have the advantage of hearing more stories earlier, more often, with more time with their loving parents. What a great way to prepare your kids for life!

Notes and Quotes for Dads

10/12/2020

My father was not a good father. I learned much about fathering by watching him and, when I became a dad myself, I tried to do every fatherly act he didn't do.

I still loved him and longed for his attention as a boy. Knowing the magnitude and impact of the loss of fatherly advice, guidance, and simple attention, I wrote notes and observations on fatherhood for my extended family. These observations became a book, "The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs."

I want to pull some lines from my book, giving you an idea of my passion for the importance of involved fathering. I'd then like to share some quotes on fathering from other authors, famous people, and great minds as further encouragement, hoping they will give depth and meaning you the most important role a man can have.

* * *
From: "The Power of Dadhood"

On a father's mission and attention:

"No man is a failure who has helped a child, especially his own. The greatest single gift a man can give his children is his attention. It seems so simple, but somehow it is lost in its simplicity. There is no excuse for not trying your best to be a good father. There are reasons, obstacles, and hardships, but no excuses."

On Helping Fathers to be Dads:

"While some men thrive naturally as fathers, there are too many who don't, and the results can be disastrous. We must not judge these men because we don't know what they've been through, how they were raised, or how they see things as a unique personality. But they could use a mentor, especially if their father was not there for them."

Learning from other dads:

"I learned so much from my father. I learned from him that I needed to get an education. I learned that people would judge me by my actions and react to me according to my attitude. I learned the importance of reliability and trust. These things I learned from him because he demonstrated how difficult life can be without them."

Impact on Society:

"Almost all of society's ills can be traced to people whose family lives were in turmoil. Often the turmoil started with an absent or uncaring father."

The Truth:

"You are the only true father your children will ever have, but you are not alone. Your children are waiting for you. Their mother is longing for your help. Society is cheering for your success. Fathers who are true Dads are always ready to talk to you."

Fatherhood quotes from authors, leaders, and great minds:

"But there's no substitute for a full-time dad. Dads who are fully engaged with their kids overwhelmingly tend to produce children who believe in themselves and live full lives." Tony Dungy

"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." Sigmund Freud

"As an educator, I've seen the positive influence that fathers have on their children." Nicoline Ambe, Being Dad

"My dad encouraged us to fail. Growing up, he would ask us what we failed at that week. If we didn't have something, he would be disappointed. It changed my mindset at an early age that failure is not the outcome, failure is not trying. Don't be afraid to fail." Sara Blakely

"When I was a kid, I used to imagine animals running under my bed. I told my dad, and he solved the problem quickly. He cut the legs off the bed." Lou Brock

"Being a father is about adaptation and about making the most of the opportunities that are given to you." Colin Adams, Parenting for New Dads

"A daughter needs a dad to be the standard against which she will judge all men." Gregory E. Lang

"Being a father is the most rewarding thing a man whose career has plateaued can do." Aristotle

"Being a father has been, without a doubt, my greatest source of achievement, pride and inspiration. Fatherhood has taught me about unconditional love, reinforced the importance of giving back and taught me how to be a better person." Naveen Jain

"Listen, there is no way any true man is going to let children live around him in his home and not discipline and teach, fight and mold them until they know all he knows. His goal is to make them better than he is. Being their friend is a distant second to this." Victor Devlin

"It is a wise father that know his own child." William Shakespeare

"The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent." Frank Pittman

"Being a father means you have to think fast on your feet. You must be judicious, wise, brave, tender, and willing to put on a frilly hat and sit down to a pretend tea party." Matthew Buckley, Fatherhood: The Manliest Profession

"...that the most precious things a father can provide are time, attention, and love." Tim Russert, Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons

"Fatherly love is the act of giving your life for the sake of someone else's needs." Nate Dallas, Hacking Fatherhood: Preparing For Success in the Biggest Role of Your Life

"No amount of money can be paid for the relationship between a father and his sons and a father and his daughters." Willie Williams, 7 Steps to Parenting Power

"My father taught me that the only way you can make good at anything is to practice, and then practice some more." Pete Rose

"Studies show that when a baby, child, or teenager has a good father, that child will soar." Meg Meeker, MD

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." Mark Twain

"One of the greatest needs of this age is for responsible and committed fathers." Bishop Charles Edward Blake Sr.

Summary

Thank you for your interest in fatherhood, or 'Dadhood' as I like to call fatherhood with involvement, mentoring, nurturing, and demonstrating love.

Dadhood = fatherhood + nurturing + demonstrated love

Why I Wrote a Book

8/31/2020

The author and his book.

My father and I didn’t do many things together. He did, however, occupy my thoughts often as I struggled through the first few decades of my life, eventually moving into the background by my fortieth year. But his ghost returned as I neared retirement – by choice. I decided I wanted to make something out of his wasted life, at least as a husband and father. Maybe, through me, he could help other fathers to become dads.

It took many years to capture and organize my thoughts. My memories were hazy. The gaps in time and space were epic. But that didn’t matter, not as much as my lack of writing experience. My studies were of numbers and engineering, not words. I wrote mostly in bullet format, random thoughts, a little philosophizing, and a lot of chaotic rambling. When I thought I had finished, I dropped my collection of words to my oldest daughter, a Summa Cum Laude graduate of the University of Missouri’s School of Journalism. She gave it back to me, saying, “Dad, you have to organize this!” She was right!

Three or four more years, many rewrites, a writing coach, and three editors later, spending a small boatload of money I’ll never recover, I was finished. Even more shocking, I found a publisher willing to take a chance of what I had written. It is entitled, “The Power of Dadhood – How to Become the Father Your Child Needs.”

I was not too fond of the subtitle. It was the publisher’s idea, and who was I to argue? The publisher, Familius LLC, was giving me the chance of a lifetime, at least as an author. My thoughts had always been self-publishing, but here was a publisher that was giving me legitimacy! The reason I didn’t care for the subtitle is that every father is the father his child needs, but not every father knows how to do it well. Even the finest of men who give their all to a child as a step-father, mentor, or surrogate will be compared to a child’s ‘what-if’ biological father.

My book has sold a few thousand copies over the years. Not bad for a first-time author. It’s even been translated into simplified Chinese. But I will never come out ahead financially, and that’s okay. There’s a quote that I can’t remember, but it goes something like this, “Anyone who writes and loses money is a fool.” Well, I raise my hand as I place my court jester hat on my head! I wrote this book initially for my family, extended family, and our future generations – but then I decided I wanted to share with anyone who would take time to read it.

So, I wrote this book to help families! Society improves one child at a time. If that is, the child is loved, mentored, and raised by involved and passionate parents. Its hard work, but not difficult. It's the first duty of every parent. As neglected children decrease, a balanced and caring society will grow, and all our fortunes will be raised!

Excerpt #3 from ‘The Power of Dadhood’ - 7 Characteristics

6/8/2020

This week is the third of four weeks, leading up to ‘Father’s Day’. In this excerpt from my mentoring book, “The Power of Dadhood”, is an appendix that summarizes the qualities of a good dad. We can’t be perfect, but we can walk and talk towards that goal. That alone should be enough to raise healthy children, both physically and mentally.

Men who become fathers bring on a significant but satisfying responsibility into their lives. That is true for all. What is different among men is their background, temperament, health, their relationship with the mother, the relationship these men had with their parents, their occupations, the personalities of their children, and so much more. These variations bring on countless combinations of issues and challenges. What father among us has all the answers? Certainly not me, but I do discuss those challenges in a way to allow each father to find a better answer for himself and his family.

This book is easy to read, has simple but effective advice, and talks down to no one. I know it will help your family!

APPENDIX A to 'THE POWER OF DADHOOD'

As we have all witnessed, being a successful father is not an easy task! It’s complicated because you’ll find yourself asking, “What are the answers?” when the answers are unique to every dad and every child. Instead of answers, you can best rely on developing proven characteristics that, in one form or another, we have discussed in this book.

Although there are many, below are the characteristics I believe are the most important in being the best dad you can be. But none of these characteristics alone are sufficient, and sometimes not even beneficial, if not balanced with other important characteristics.

Be Involved. Be involved from the moment of your children’s births. You are a parent, not a figurehead. Be there for important events. Be available when they need support. Be strong for them when they are afraid. Be careful to consider your children when you prioritize your life events. Be a listener!

Be Principled. You are being watched by your children. They assume you are the model they should follow. You must have personal values that will guide them in the right direction. Be honest. Be moral. Be sure you have rules and limits.

Be Consistent. Be reliable. Be a rock. Do what you say and say what you’ll do. When you set goals and limits for your children, there should be rewards and consequences reinforcing them, as appropriate. If you’re not consistent with your children, you will confuse them. Explain the reasons and situations that may require you to relax or tighten the rules. This keeps your children involved and informed, and avoids misunderstandings.

Be Loving. Be gentle. Be kind. Be understanding. Be protective. Give hugs and pats on the back. Give them your complete attention on occasion—especially when they need it. Sympathize when appropriate but show your concerns about improper behavior. That is also love.

Be Fun. Be a jokester, but don’t force it. Surprise your children with occasional treats and adventures. Smile. Do crazy things—like balancing a broom on your nose. Play catch. Pretend with them. Have a tea party. Tease them in a kind, not demeaning, way. Know and be kind to their friends.

Be Balanced. The glue that makes all the other “be”s work is to be balanced. Be involved but not too involved. Be principled but don’t be preachy. Be consistent but not inflexible. Be loving, but don’t be a pushover. Be fun but be respected. Know your own limits. You cannot be consistent if you don’t have principles. You can’t be loving or fun if you are not involved.

Be Passionate. Being passionate about being a dad comes naturally to some men—but not to all. If you don’t have a natural passion for fatherhood, then be passionate about reviewing this list of characteristics and thinking about how you can apply them. A father that has to work at being a dad can be a bigger hero for his children than those for which fathering comes easily.

Excerpt #1 from ‘The Power of Dadhood’

5/25/2020

For the next four weeks, leading up to ‘Father’s Day,’ I will be publishing excerpts from my mentoring book, “The Power of Dadhood.” I hope by doing so, the reader will understand this book is easy to read, has simple but effective advice, and talks down to no one. I know it will help your family!

Men who become fathers bring on a large but satisfying responsibility into their lives. That is true for all. What is different among men is their background, temperament, health, their relationship with the mother, the relationship these men had with their parents, their occupations, the personalities of their children, and so much more. These variations bring on countless combinations of issues and challenges. What father among us has all the answers? Certainly not me, but I do discuss those challenges in a way to allow each father to find a better answer for himself and his family.

Excerpt #1: from pages 5-7 of, The Power of Dadhood

MEN AS FATHERS

“I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.”
—Sigmund Freud

There are too many men who procreate but never earn the title of “Dad.” The word father to them is a label, not a commitment. They don’t want the responsibility of a child, and they blame others for their predicament.

There are other men who meet their parental responsibilities by providing food, clothing, shelter, and discipline. They do this robotically without much emotion or interplay.

There are others still who provide the basics while also creating a warm, loving atmosphere. Likely, most fathers fall into this category. However, at the top of the pyramid are those men who not only provide for their children within a loving atmosphere, but also nurture, praise, and teach their children—throughout their lives. These men are heroes to their children and are among the most stalwart pillars of our society. Their contributions are often hidden. We do not conceive of what may have happened without them, and they are rarely celebrated. But statistically, we can and will see what loving, nurturing fathers have done and will continue to do for both children and our society.

WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A REAL DAD

A Dad does not need to be handsome, strong, athletic, macho, rich, eloquent, college educated, or even married to the child’s mother, as is often the situation. Although many men want to be these things, such characteristics don’t make a man a Man or a father a Dad.

A Dad does need to be loving, available, caring, interested, and involved, as well as a nurturing teacher, disciplinarian, coach, cheerleader, and so much more.

Many men would like to be handsome, rich, eloquent, and more, as would I, but these traits should never come as a substitute for qualities that make them real Dads. We’ve all known men who were shams, showing a jovial and interested face to the world but a sullen, unengaged, and even surly face to his family. The sham father is just a house of cards, big on appearances but otherwise sorely lacking. The real Dad has a solid foundation as a leader and mentor—with a greater likelihood of entering that zone of being a wonderful Dad.

I say this to my fellow men: you don’t create children to fulfill your own vision, but you do create opportunities for them to discover themselves so they can become happy and at ease with themselves.
Being a father is not a competition. It constitutes selfless, loving acts toward other human beings—human beings that you and their mother have brought into this world.

THE POSITIVE IMPACTS OF GOOD FATHERING

I contend, without any hesitation, that if every father in this country, working cooperatively with a positive, responsible mother, were to consider and successfully apply responsible parenting principles and values:

incidents of crime and hate would plummet remarkably.
personal success and general happiness would increase.
mental health issues would be greatly reduced.

But the seventeen-year-old father who can barely take care of himself, or the new thirty-two-year-old father who has lived a mostly selfish single life, or the businessman who has been too busy to really pay attention to his kids—these men and other fathers don’t necessarily need to concern themselves with the greater societal good so much as they need to make honest efforts at being the best fathers they can be. Society will then take care of itself.

So whether these claims of a better society are bold or obvious, we know that improving the participation and skills of all fathers will certainly be good for our children. This is our goal. This is the potential of the power of fatherhood.

Next week will be another excerpt. Thanks for reading, and never forget the #powerofdadhood !

Reading to Your Children is Next to Feeding Them

11/18/2019

Copyright: Michael Byron Smith

Have you ever found a baby or toddler that isn’t fascinated when you read to them? As for myself, I have not. They love everything about it. The attention, the pictures, your voice, the magic and wonder of words on a page having meaning, the characters and stories themselves are all quite spellbinding and together become a symphony of learning.

I’m not going to quote research here. Let’s go with common sense and experience. Reading, as they say, is fundamental to learning and communication. The earlier you introduce books to the developing mind of a child, the quicker and easier the synapses of the brain connect, promoting understanding, and a desire for more stimulation.

Due to unfortunate circumstances, neither my siblings nor I were read to - neither did we have much access to books. As a result, I had no interest in reading anything outside of school until I was in my thirties. I found my curiosity lacked stimulation because of this. Of my five siblings, there is not one that is much of a reader. It affected not just our informal education, but our formal schooling. All of my siblings quit school before getting a high school degree, although a couple went back to school later in life. It had much to do with not having an interest in reading, making school subsequently less appealing, and more challenging to succeed.

So I advise with enthusiasm to start early, read often! Reading to babies helps build bonds with books, wonder, and the reader. Vocabularies improve, and a habit of learning sinks in as a consequence. When reading a story becomes part of the bedtime routine, your child will ensure this happens every night. Spend time on photos and illustrations, connecting the words to the visual story. Ask them questions to make them think and to have them be involved in the story.

My heart swells when I see my 4 or 6-year-old grandchild sitting with a book alone. I find the four-year-old reading her books from memory, and with expression, which reminds me to read with expression myself. My eleven-year-old granddaughter was bitten early with the reading bug with the help of her parents. She has read every Harry Potter book, some twice, and many, many others. She is in the 5th grade but already understands at a first-year university level. Her world is so much bigger than the world I knew as an eleven-year-old. All my grandchildren’s curiosities are through the roof!

I wonder what more I could have accomplished with a reading background from my childhood? It took me quite a while to catch up with my peers in aspects beyond education. I read much more as an older adult, but my wife will read 4-5 books to each one of mine. I’m still a slow reader, but I found how much I can grow and have grown from reading and enjoy every moment of it.

Do it! Starting now if you haven’t already. Read to your kids and let them read to you! It is truly a great way to connect and such an easy and essential gift to give, and it includes the whole world!

About This Book, Not About Prague

11/4/2019

Prague, Czech Republic, by the author

In the five to six years I have been blogging my thoughts on fatherhood, I have not missed one week of publishing something. Even though I am on vacation, I cannot bring myself to miss a week now. So, I’m sitting in a hotel in Prague, exhausted from travel and touring, thinking of something easy but useful to pass on. So here it is. It’s about my book, The Power of Dadhood. Please buy it, share it, borrow it, gift it - but, most importantly, read it if you are a Dad! I guarantee you will find at least a morsel that will help you to help your children. What’s more important?

PS. Prague is a great city to visit.

The Power of Dadhood

This is a mentoring book. It mentors men who are fathers, especially young fathers, and fathers-to-be. Mentors are not necessarily experts, but they’ve been there before. They can give you some tips on what works and what doesn’t work. While some men thrive naturally as fathers, there are too many who don’t, and the results can be disastrous. We must not judge these men because we don’t know what they’ve been through, how they were raised, or how they see things as a unique personality. But they could use a mentor, especially if their father was not there for them. As I was growing up, I felt the need for a dad in my life and the lives of my siblings. Our father was often absent or unreachable, whether away from home or in the next room. At an early age, I became determined to create myself as a real dad—one who provides his children with love, interaction, mentoring, and discipline—not a father who contributes only DNA. I have gathered in this book my experiences and thoughts, the thoughts of others, and the personal stories of friends and family so that men young or not so young can move themselves beyond fatherhood to the irreplaceable state of Dadhood.

Throughout this book, I capitalize the D in Dad to emphasize the difference between merely being a biological father and achieving the ideal of being a wonderful, loving, and involved Dad. Please be aware that it is NEVER too late to become a capital D Dad, and that your relationship with your kids will be better, stronger, and healthier when you show you care, whether your kids are infants, children, teenagers, or adults.

As you travel the road from fatherhood to Dadhood through the pages of this book, I will guide you to stop along the way and assess where you are. It’s not a matter of flying a supersonic jet to travel from fatherhood to the state of Dad. It is a steady, intentional, mile-by-mile, where-the-rubber-meets-the-road process that can move any man from any background to the consequential and fulfilling state of Dadhood (and Granddadhood). And when you take this road, you are making society better, one child at a time.

Thank you!
Mike