Blog Archives

9 Frustrations That Could Impact Your Life

9/29/2020

It is a real challenge these days to keep up with work and family. There is too much information with too little contemplation. The good part about information is that it is all at your fingertips. That’s also the bad part. The tons of information available makes it impossible to feel informed because there is an infinite amount more available. What’s crazy is the amount of worthless junk that we as a society allow to go through the information fire hose from which we drink. We never stop drinking either because we feel behind or we just don’t consider it.

When you get behind, you first put aside what you can get to later. Unfortunately, that is too often your family. You know where they live. They aren’t going anywhere. They know you love them. They’ll understand. All of this is true for isolated occasions. Unfortunately, this rationale can become a habit and the family can slowly, and barely noticeably at first, fall apart.

The information overload has added to our frustrations in life in many ways. Too many decisions, not enough time, confusion, little planning are all contributors. I took time to think about the frustrations I have experienced over the years and continue to have. But shining a light on these issues helps to minimize their impact on my life. I’m not a psychologist, nor do I play one on TV, but here is what I noticed about myself. See if any of these nine frustrations apply to you.

Frustrations

Lack of priorities—I may think I have priorities but I often ignore them. They were something I put together yesterday and I’ve already forgot to take them into account.
Lack of short term goals—closely related to priorities is short term goals. Priorities are a longer term strategic thing. Short term goals are a tactical thing. Priorities are not always done in order of importance, but in order of practicality and logic as short term goals.
Indecisiveness – what to do, what to do first, when should I do it. I usually figure it out but it takes time away from getting anything done. It is directly caused by the first two frustrations.
Numbness—sometimes I just get numb. I can’t move. I just sit there but it’s not relaxing—it’s frustrating. It doesn’t happen often and it doesn’t last long, but is a short period that may also be called depression. However, I know enough to realize when I’m numb, that it is temporary and will pass.
Fear—this was a real issue for me when I was younger. I failed to move forward often because of fear. Sometimes it was small stuff like meeting people. Other times the fear kept me from bigger things, like accepting opportunities for improvement. Social events, leadership responsibilities, etc. were things I was not comfortable with.
Laziness—who of us hasn’t been lazy at some point. Short-term laziness is normal. When it becomes a description of who you are, you need to get help.
Exhaustion—I used to be better at pacing myself, or maybe I was just younger, but exhaustion can be a great impact in your life! Exhaustion shouldn’t be ignored.
Promises—making commitments is something that must be done carefully. When they are made, they add to your priority list. The frustration appears when you have over-committed or regret the promise.
Distractions—the useless but sometimes titillating information that will draw you in, the weaknesses you have for gossip, Facebook, sports, gambling, ‘Words With Friends’, etc. None these things are bad when done as planned, but not as ‘pop up’ distractions, or excuses to delay an unpleasant task.

The Antidotes

Lack of priorities—think about what is important in your life, really important. If you have a family, be sure they are number one. Of course many other priorities will be in support of your family—work, and even your time and interests, because time to yourself is an important aspect of being a capable mom or dad.
Lack of short term goals—this is an easy fix. Just keep a to-do list as a habit and keep updating it. Write down what you want to get done today or this week. Your mind will be cleared and your efficiency increased. Don’t feel guilty about planning free time. Planned goofing off or relaxing does not add to your frustration.
Indecisiveness—the realization that you are being indecisive will get you to a quicker decision in the short term, and will remind you to know your priorities and write to-do lists.
Numbness—time! Just give it time It will pass. And get out of the house!
Fear—facing your fears is amazingly successful and therapeutic. Most fears are paper-thin and just take a little action, then it is all behind you. Any fear you must or should face, should be done as soon as possible.
Laziness—find motivation, review your priorities, and/or see a doctor, read inspirational stories. Ask yourself about the path you are on and where is it taking you.
Exhaustion—rest when exhaustion comes, but more importantly, pace yourself. Priorities change when you are exhausted. Your health and well-being become the top priority. Don’t take on more than you can handle.
Promises-say no sometimes! Once a promise is made, you must make good on it—especially to your kids. Make your word the cornerstone of the respect others have of you. But make no promises that you may regret later!
Distractions—you must discipline yourself. Set aside time for those little distractions as a low priority, but don’t let them creep into your day.

Summary

These nine frustrations I’ve experienced in the past still occasionally occur, but just like the ‘fear’ frustration, just admitting they exist is the first and fastest way to get past them. Frustrations can occur anywhere—work, home, or play. Knowing the frustration when it happens can get you out of it faster and help prevent taking your frustrations out on others. The last place you want to allow frustrations to get the best of you is at home with your family. Your wife may understand but that will make no less unpleasant. Your children will likely not understand and it will confuse and hurt them. Stop and think about what frustrates you the most. If other people is what frustrates you, don’t expect them to change. You will have to be the one that makes the change and you will be a better person for it!

0 Comments

Boys to Men - They Need Help

9/21/2020

7 Comments

Note: This was written 5 years ago. But it will always be relevant!

"Manhood is mimesis. To be a man, a boy must see a man"
- J.R. Moehringer, The Tender Bar

My wife and I raised a son and we now have a 2 ½-year-old grandson. We also have two daughters and three granddaughters. I’m not one of those guys that just had to have a son, but we are truly blessed with our son and grandson. All the girls make my heart melt and I wouldn't trade them for the world, but this article is about boys and what dads do to feed their imaginations, give them great memories, and teach them to be men.

Most boys have a natural affinity for trucks, rocks, dirt, and a general lack of gentleness. This may offend some who have more liberal ideas about sexual identity. But I certainly don’t intend to do that. One of my daughters knew a couple that kept the sex of their child secret for its first two years; the idea being that they didn’t want to ‘influence’ the child’s sexual identity. Similarly, there are large chain stores that no longer distinguish what were traditional boy and girl toys, nor will they identify them with masculine blue or feminine pink. That’s silly in my opinion, but I could be wrong. I think most boys and girls don't need to be led by blue or pink anyway. Certainly, never force a boy to do what is often considered traditional boy things if it's not what he enjoys.

Things boys like to do:

Rocks! Little boys like to throw rocks, or just about anything they get into their hands. This natural tendency can get them into trouble and worse, hurt someone. To give him a safe place to practice his fastball, I take my grandson to a nearby creek and let him throw big and little rocks into the creek. Oftentimes, he’ll pick out a rock he can barely pick up let alone throw into the creek—but he loves the big splashes. With the smaller rocks, I try to get him to throw with his throwing hand close to his ear to develop good form. Just to let him think I’m pretty special, I’ll find some flat rocks and skip them on the surface. It’s fun to watch him try to do the same. There is a time and a place for everything.

Puddles! Most kids like puddles. What I have noticed is boys like to stomp in the puddles. I have a difficult time denying my grandson this pleasure. His grandmother would be much stricter about this. More than once I’ve been lectured about allowing him to trudge through a puddle. If he has nice shoes and/or the puddle is muddy, I’ll step in (not the puddle) and stop him. The joy is too awesome to stop a kid from romping in a puddle and usually there is little harm done. But there are limits and even little boys should be taught what they are.

Dirt, sand, and water! Magnets attract, but not like grime attracts little boys. They love to get down and dirty. Take them to the beach, park, river, lake and let them get dirty. Of course be prepared with proper clothes, shoes (or no shoes), and sunscreen. Keep them safe but otherwise let them romp in the dirt like a piglet.

Trucks! Most little boys love trucks and tractors. My grandson, Ryan, is no exception. Not yet three, he knows the difference between a dump truck and a trash truck, or a bulldozer and a backhoe. Every Thursday morning when he is at our house, we have a tradition of going outside to watch the yard waste truck come through the neighborhood. The driver knows us by now and always puts on a show for him with his hydraulic lift dumping leaves and limbs.

Ryan naps with his toy trucks and rides around in his red and yellow plastic car. He constantly begs to get in my truck and “drive-drive”, in which he stands in the driver’s seat and whips the steering wheel side to side. More than once I’ve found lights and switches on or in the wrong position. He cries when I tell him we must move on, but once he is told, that's it. He doesn't complain very long because it doesn't work.

Roughhousing! Ryan is very gentle with his little sister and younger cousin—at least he tries to be and thinks he is. Little boys don’t understand their relative strength and momentum. As he bends down to kiss his sister, that big noggin of Ryan is moving faster than he can stop it, so we have to keep a close watch. Roughhousing is a way to teach limits in physical activity. Little boys like to wrestle around with their dads and this is a good learning experience. They giggle and laugh, and sometimes they get 'owies', teaching them about how being rough can hurt. They can also become too aggressive while wrestling around with dad and when they do, they need to be drawn in and told they are being too rough. This is how they learn gentleness and limits.

Summary

These activities are just examples of what most boys like to do. Boys need to be boys. They need to feel their oats and explore their world. While doing so, they need guidance in being male and who better to do that than their father. Dads can mold their sons, not by changing them, but by smoothing out the rough edges. If not there to guide them, the rough areas can grow unchecked. The key is balance--balance between freedom and rules! Freedom to grow, explore, feel, experience, learn, examine, and to win and lose. Rules are necessary for their safety, to teach limits, to know authority and learn respect. Little boys don't learn to balance these things on their own. We see what happens when boys grow up without the mentorship of a good father, never learning this balancing act. We can't let that happen! Spend time with your boys! Raise good men who will do the same with their boys. That includes you, grandfathers!

7 Comments

Being a Parent is Like Being a Photographer

9/14/2020

0 Comments

A couple of weekends ago, I masqueraded as a wedding photographer. Although I had no experience in photographing weddings, a niece of my sister-in-law asked if I would shoot hers. She based her decision on photos on my personal Facebook page. I do love photography as a hobby, but I don’t consider myself technically confident or competent. You can view my photos page – which I haven’t updated in some time – to see only photos I allow to be there. After explaining to Kelsey, the Bride to be, that it was risky for me to photograph such an important event in her life was something she should give more consideration, I was still her wedding photographer.

I realized then how much I didn’t know about photography. Flash photography was definitely not a strength. I hadn’t used any flash outside of my pop-up flash in many years. Most of my photos were of landscapes and family, where second chances can become third and fourth chances. I use auto mode more than I like to admit, and I had become even lazier, taking almost all my photos on an iPhone 11 (which does a fantastic job). After secretly considering using my iPhone to photograph the wedding, I imagined how silly that would look. Not the photos, but me running around with an iPhone trying to be a ‘professional’ photographer.

Of course, I jumped to the Internet and googled ‘Wedding Photography.’ That research helped, but I found conflicting advice. Some said use shutter priority outdoors while others believed in aperture priority. All advised photographing in ‘raw’ and not in ‘jpeg.’ I had always stayed away from raw photos in fear, and the amount of memory it ate up.

Mentioning to a friend that I was going to shoot a wedding, and him knowing my angst, he asked a photographer buddy to talk to me. His name was Fran, and he saved me with tons of good advice! I bought a new flash for this assignment, but it wasn’t TTL (through the lens). Fran loaned me his TTL flash (this took out a complication) and suggested an ISO setting. His advice likely saved half my photos, especially those indoor photos.

With this introductory story, why is it relevant to fatherhood or parenting in general? It is a metaphor on so many levels!

I thought I was a pretty good amateur photographer, and maybe I was in a very narrow area. However, I had so much more to learn! The same is true in fathering!
I already knew how to focus on what was important. But what’s going on in the background was made much more apparent--so true in good parenting.
Parenting, like photography, has many variables. You must sort them out and choose what aspects are most important at any moment—lighting, depth, action, focus, moments, etc. See if you can see the analogies of photography to parenting
With lighting, so many variables exist.
- How much light do you allow? Too dark and you miss what’s important. Too much light, and you blow out detail. Analogy: be involved but not too involved with your children’s lives. See them for who they are and can truly be.
- Is natural light sufficient, or will you need something to help you see the subject better? Analogy: You may need more than your eyes, more information, research, or the input of others when your parenting is not working as well as you would like it to be.
- What ISO setting? This setting determines the sensitivity to light. Analogy: every kid is different. Their personalities and sensitivities must be taken into consideration when mentoring them.
What aperture do you use?
- A small aperture will add detail to the background but restricts light requiring a slower shutter speed. Analogy: a parent can miss the forest for trees, seeing particular behavior but not knowing why it is occurring. A longer attention span towards your child is letting the light shine on your child, perhaps allowing the picture to be more exact.
- A large aperture will blur the background and give you subject more attention, but you must decrease your shutter speed, or the subject will be overexposed. Analogy: Too much attention on your child without considering the background can be a mistake, overexposing him or her unfairly.
Using the auto setting is lazy! Sure, you can get some good results, but almost anyone can do it, and you have given up control. A good photo could have been a great photo with a little more thought. When in doubt, you should default to the auto setting (standards) in parenting. But don’t forget your child needs specialized attention sometimes using tools you can use to focus, add depth, shine the best light on or increase/decrease ISO (sensitivity) for specific moments.

Editing

Here is where photography and parenting depart. If a photographer is fluent in photographic editing, he or she can correct many of the mistakes made the moment the shutter opens and closes. Lighting can be adjusted, cropping can get rid of unnecessary detail, colors can be brightened, and bad moments can be deleted. Corrections in parenting are not quickly or easily done! But….

You can learn from your mistakes! It takes focus on your part. Remember what worked and didn’t work. Did you put too much light on your child, like a floodlight on an interrogation? Was there not enough light, not enough to learn anything? I could go on, but I think I made my point.

Summary

The lessons of these photo/parenting analogies will only stick with you by reviewing them just as you would a photo album. After all, what good are photos if you don’t look at them, enjoy them, or learn from them? Photography is not difficult, but we rarely get the shots others do because we don’t dig deep enough into the topic, or we are too easily satisfied. It’s also true for parenting!

Happy picture taking and parenting--and may all your photos and children bring joy!

It was a fun and memorable wedding!

0 Comments

Happiness is Not a Realistic Goal

9/7/2020

0 Comments

Photo by the author.

“Happiness is a wonderful symptom but a terrible goal”
~ Mike Rowe

Do you know what dads are perfect for - talking to their kids. This simple act shows that you care, allows each of you to know each other better, and is a way to impart wisdom, i.e., discussing things that can help them now and in the future. One subject not on top of most young peoples’ minds is long term goals. Following is a topic that can make your children think. The issue is happiness, and how do they achieve it? Or more importantly, what does being happy mean to them?

We all want happiness for ourselves and our loved ones, but should it be something to strive for, our goal? We hope for it, and we do things for ourselves and others, thinking it will bring happiness. Sometimes we are successful in this pursuit, but more often, happiness is a byproduct of something else. But what?

It’s pretty simple, really, but it’s difficult for some to grasp, especially those that have not yet fully matured.

That something involves delaying gratification, and who wants to do that?
It also involves a higher purpose than your happiness, but is there a higher purpose?
And it takes some effort. Ugh!

That ‘something else’ that so often has happiness as a byproduct is ‘accomplishment!’ Accomplishment is the achievement of a purpose or goal. It involves effort and a result worthy of that effort. It could be improving yourself, helping someone or a cause, or creating, giving, comforting, mentoring, improving, or just caring. That’s meaningful - a meaningful life is a value-added life. It requires hard work, determination, and a plan.

A happy life is not going to happen without meaningful contributions. That’s where delay in gratification is so significant. When you spend each moment and dollar towards pleasure at that moment, you are self-centered. Think of two hungry men on the streets. A man comes up and tells them that one can have his lunch, but he only has enough for one. However, the man offers the second person a job learning how to do landscaping, allowing him to make money to buy food, not just for today, but every day (the fish or fisherman story).

No doubt, the one who chooses the lunch will be happier sooner because the hunger has passed. But it will return. The one who learns to landscape suffers through a day of hard work and continued hunger. But at the end of the day, his hunger is also satisfied. When hunger strikes again, he will not have to depend on anyone. He may even buy lunch for his lazier friend, who again will be dependent. Is one happier than the other? I have my thoughts, but who knows for sure. I do know that ‘happiness is ephemeral while accomplishment is forever.’

You may think, “well, some accomplished people are not happy,” and you would be correct. Not being happy could be caused by clinical depression or other issues beyond their control. It’s never their accomplishments that cause their unhappiness. In fact, accomplishments are endorphins that fight against the sadness that may come into our lives.

Some people search for happiness through avoidance. They are avoiding responsibility, work, education, exertion, communication, or even confrontation. They are relieved in their avoidance, confusing it for some joy. If happy but lazy people exist, they are dull and of little use to society. Their moments of happiness are dependent on their habits - drinking, smoking, constant TV or video games, or other usually egocentric acts - and dependence on others. Satisfaction comes not from narcissism, but altruism. Your happiness today may rob you of happiness in the future.

But there are no rewards for lazy people because they avoid all risks. There are no contrasts that make like interesting. No challenges to overcome. No warmth after being cold. No adrenalin. No feelings of relief after a particular fear is conquered. We learn so little by having no conflict. Rest is boring if you’ve nothing to rest for - or no goal for which to strive. On the other hand, rest is blissful after a meaningful activity. It is a chance to reenergize those with goals in mind. Result-oriented living is always chasing new challenges. It is life too busy to be unhappy.

However, a particular accomplishment is not always the path to happiness. It’s more like a continuum of accomplishments – keeping busy, doing good things for yourself and others, being resourceful, and involved - that brings enjoyment. If nothing else, you will be too preoccupied to think of poor little you. You know you are happy when you admire the accomplishments of others and don’t envy them, which happens when you have achieved much yourself and realize what others achieve helps us all.

The conundrum for many is, to go to a better place from where you are, you must first go through discomfort, stress, and sometimes pain. Kids, and even adults, need to know it is worth it and not to let fear or ignorance get in the way. They will like how they feel on the other side.

A conversation like this may be lost the first time through. But if you live it, repeat it, have numerous examples of this philosophy working for others, then you are on your way to forming strong values in your children. Maybe you will even remind yourself of things you may not have thought about in a while. The Power of Dadhood is mighty indeed, for good or bad.

0 Comments

9 Frustrations That Could Impact Your Life

Boys to Men - They Need Help

Being a Parent is Like Being a Photographer

Happiness is Not a Realistic Goal

Archives

Categories