,​I’m a grandfather who, upon retirement, is looking back at fatherhood hoping to help fathers of today. I loved being a dad, but it took me a bit of time to figure it out. I was incentivized by what I had missed as a kid, so I’ve thought about it quite a bit. These are seven things to consider when raising kids.

1.       Wink, smile, look at them in a way they can feel the love.

Most dads say “I love you” to their kids, but some never do. For those of us that do, it can get to be routine. That’s not to imply you should stop saying it, but there are other ways of saying I love you that pierce right into their hearts! Special moments can arise where just eye contact and a smile will let them know you care. And sometimes we forget a loving touch like hug or pat on the back. And oddly enough, disciplining can also show love because you are molding them, helping them to be their best.

2.       Don’t treat all your kids the same.

Have you heard of the “average” kid? Well, he/she does not exist! The average kid is a statistic. Of course, you will find common traits in kids such as being, shy, active, loud, picky, anxious, careless; it goes on and on. You can’t treat kids the same. Your interactions should be tailored to their needs because every kid is different socially, regarding behavior, intellectually, etc. Yes, all children should all be treated fairly, but it would not be fair to treat them all the same!

3.       Your children want to be disciplined.

You kids will fight you and challenge you at every turn--until they know the routine. If you are consistent, they will know arguing is useless, and they won’t do it after a while. As they get older, there will be rules they don’t care for, and they will try to talk you out of them. “You must be home by 11 PM,” you say. “But dad, my friends can stay out until midnight!” Sometimes you can and should give in, but if you have hard and fast, but reasonable rules, then stick to them. The rules tell them you care enough about them that you want them to grow safely into responsible adults. Their ego will be angry, but their true self will love you!

4.       You are not your wife.

You are a dad, a man. You are not their mother, a woman. You are different and teach different things in different ways. Of course, parents must discuss discipline and values, compromise if necessary, and be on the same page on essential factors. But do things with your kids that their mom wouldn’t do. Have unique, personal routines with your kids. Be yourself. If one parent lets misbehavior slide, then the other parent may need to be more responsible. When these styles balance within the family, it works much better than both being easy going--or both being tough all the time. But never work against each other as parents! 

5.      Children will watch what you do more than what you say.

Your kids are very observant. They pick up your habits very quickly - the way you talk, the way you treat people, the way you treat your wife. Most importantly, they will notice if you keep your word. If your words match your actions, then you are reinforcing their belief in you. When you do, they will learn that words have meaning. When you back up what you say, then they will know to listen!

6.       Don’t ever involve your children in your marital issues.

No matter how old, never complain to your kids about their mom. They may know about what you’re unhappy about, but they don’t want to hear it from you. Why upset your children about something in which they have no say or have no fault? When you complain to them, you are the one that doesn’t look good in their eyes.

7.       Pay special attention. Seemingly everyday moments can bring such joy - now and in the future.

I have memory gaps involving each of my children. Some periods of their lives are difficult to recall. You, yourself, may not remember your son playing violin one year, or that your daughter was in a school play. Your children’s first days of school, the names of their best friends, their smiles on Christmas morning are all precious times and facts that deserve remembering. Although we shouldn’t live in the past, we also shouldn’t be without a story. The stories of the family will warm you when you are in your last days.  A lost memory of a special moment is worse than almost any object lost. Therefore, take photos, tell stories of the past to keep them alive, don’t miss special occasions, and when you do things with your kids be there all the way, in mind and spirit. Not doing this will result in forgetting certain moments which would have smiles to your lips and warmed your heart.

Summary

These are things I learned as a dad. I failed at times on all of them as you will likely do as well. But if we keep these thoughts in mind, our failures will be minimized, and our roles as fathers will be of great value to the growth and success of our children!