Blog Archives

Can I Hold Your Hand?

6/29/2014

One of the small treasures of life, holding a little one's hand.

I once lived next door to what you may call a typical all-American family. The mom was a wonderful mother who stayed home and was very dedicated to her two children at the time. The father, I'll call him Ron, was from a modest background but had high aspirations to be a success in business. Ron was smart, engaging, and willing to do what it takes to be a success in his field.

Our wives were very close friends. They and our children spent time together. They would also help one another by occasionally watching each others kids or just by having another adult to talk to. While Ron and I were friendly, we didn't see much of each other because of schedules, especially his.

What it took for Ron to be successful, was to work unending hours to prove himself to his company. He knew prior to his hiring what he was getting into, because the field he was in demanded it. I was always home hours before Ron, and although I had some evening classes, I spent much more time around my children-and his too!

One year on Halloween, when our kids were in their peek trick-or-treating years, my neighbor Ron and I were going to escort our kids around the neighborhood to collect their goodies. We each had a boy and a girl then. The girls were princesses and the boys were, of course, superheroes. The block was full of kids, noisily running to and fro in various scary and colorful outfits. It was a beautifully cool evening, a perfect Halloween night.

The six of us met on the sidewalk, with our flashlights and empty bags. The kids were excited but the youngest two, my son and his daughter were a little tentative, being only 3 and 4 years old. My neighbor, sensing this, went to hold his daughters hand...but she pulled away. She walked over to me and asked, “Can I hold your hand?”.

I didn’t know what do to! I felt absolutely terrible for Ron. I recall suggesting to his daughter that she should hold her Daddy’s hand. But kids that age don’t think with their heads, they go with what is comfortable to them at the time. Ron didn’t say anything and I didn’t say anything to him. I held his daughter’s hand for a block or so until she got into the spirit of the evening. At that moment in time, she was more comfortable with me than her own father. Her dad was a good guy, but she had not yet got to know him as she knew me.

I’m not sure how my neighbor Ron felt about this incident because we never discussed it. He may have been shattered, as I would have been, or he may have taken it in stride, knowing how kids can be and understanding the consequences of his choices, which were to do the best for his family as he knew how. We are still friends and I’m happy to report that Ron did rise to the top of his field. Not only that, I see no apparent issues as he seems to enjoy an excellent relationship with his wife and all his children, which now number four.

What saved the relationship between this father and his daughter? I have a theory that consists of two parts. One part is that this was a good man, and as his daughter grew older, she could see that. The other part is having a mother who was a great partner to her husband. She kept things together, did not show any anger towards her husband’s goals and ambitions, and did not talk badly about her kids’ father.

I’m not sure I could have succeeded as a dad had I taken the path of my friend. On the other hand, I’m not sure my friend could have succeeded as a dad, being an average Joe at his occupation. His lack of satisfaction, income, or perceived failure may have made him uncomfortable to be around. His unhappiness, perhaps, would have shown through and impacted his relationship with his kids.

What it comes down to is this. There is no one way to be a good father. The amount of time you are physically present is just one factor. The real factor is ‘being there’ for them. Being there when they need you. Being there for important events. Being there when you need them. Sometimes this means being physically present, like a hug at the right moment, or a smile that says “I understand”. Sometimes it means an encouraging phone call, a note, a text, or even bail money! Hopefully, not the latter!

I know my neighbor has ‘been there’ for his daughter many times. He may have had a rocky start in the physically present area, but he recovered nicely.

Be there for your children! They can tell if you are or not, and it has little to do with where you are. But having said that, the most important time to be physically present with your children, if you can, is when they are very young!

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Young Men as Dads: So Difficult - Yet So Simple

6/26/2014

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If you were to stop and think about all the challenges a man must face to be a good dad, you might not be surprised that 43% of homes with children do not have a dad living there. What the statistic tells me is that too many men can’t or refuse to deal with these challenges.

It is true that it’s not always the absent father’s fault. But sometimes men are men’s worst enemies. Our egos get in the way of our parenting. We have to make money, drive fast cars, build muscles, be good at sports, impress women, and be clever, masculine, and cool. Being a dad takes time away from most of these things. Women have egos too, but they have a distinct advantage. Being a woman who can successfully juggle three kids, hold a job, and make a house a home are considered heroines among other women, and men.

Basically, men want to be masculine above all other things. Frank Pittman in his book, Man Enough: Fathers, Sons, and the Search for Masculinity states, “The great passion in a man’s life may not be for women or men or wealth or toys or fame, or even for his children, but for his masculinity.”

This causes many of the issues with fatherhood. It is usually a young man who first
impregnates a woman, in part, to prove his masculinity. When this happens, the young man ends up being a father when he’s not ready for the commitment, and with a woman he may not love. The man, the woman, and the child are off to a terrible start!

Further complicating the issue, being a dad sometimes doesn't fit in with the persona that some young males want to project. A young man may then be unable to make enough money for all his dreams with a young mouth to feed, further damaging his ego. He is no longer free, cool and can’t ethically chase women any longer. Nothing is going right for him! When the going gets tough, he may bail on his responsibilities. It can happen that easily and it happens too often as proven by the statistics. This is just one scenario that results in the 43% absence of fathers in the home.

It would be helpful if men could wait to be fathers, i.e., wait for their maturity to place less importance on masculinity and more importance on the people in his life. Fortunately, the older a man gets, the less he feels he has to prove himself. Older men are self-deprecating, surer of themselves, and less concerned for what other people think. They realize that being a good father is as simple as realizing how easy it can be to become a good one. Just time, concern, love, and attention are enough. You’ll find that men who were disappointing as fathers often become wonderful grandfathers-and the parents of those grandchildren scratch their heads.

The drive for masculinity and satisfaction of ego becomes much more pronounced when the young man did not have a caring father in his own life. So while irresponsible fathers have various backgrounds, those men with irresponsible fathers themselves are much more likely to fail as dads. If we are to stop this cycle, then we have to start with the young men of today before, or soon after, they become fathers. It takes action to neutralize the masculine ego and raise consciousness of what it takes to be a father. That action usually is best done by a more experienced man, hopefully the father, but someone.

It’s not just the men/boys who are need this education. Young women who have had unpleasant, or no fathering experiences also have ego needs. They need to know and feel the love of a male, a situation which may be sorely lacking in their lives. When you have a young male, with a need to prove himself and his masculinity, and a young female, who needs proof of her ability to be loved by a male, you have perfect formula for a baby to be born. And you have an imperfect situation for a baby to be born.

SO WHAT TO DO?

If you have a fatherless young man in your life that needs some fatherly advice, try to show yourself as someone he can approach. Uncles, grandfathers, brothers, even neighbors are perfect as mentors. It is most likely one of the most important and satisfying acts you could ever perform for someone!

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Where Have All the Children Gone?

6/23/2014

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Time stood still then, and went by fast!

A few years ago, a family moved in down the street. They have a daughter who I guess was around 7 years old at that time. While I didn’t meet the parents for quite some time, the little girl would come over occasionally and pet my dog Daisy. Her name was Sarah. She was sweet and we had a couple of nice conversations, after which she would skip home then disappear.

It’s now 3 years later. It’s not a mystery you may someday see on “48 Hours”. The family still lives there and I think she does too. I just never see her outside. I casually met the father once and the mother twice. They are very friendly and always wave as they drive by, which seems to be many times a day. But I literally never see their daughter. She may be behind those darkened windows in the back seat, being chauffeured to an activity-I’m not sure. When I last saw the mother, we were trying to find the owner of a lost dog. Another neighbor, who also had not seen Sarah around, asked her whereabouts. The mother said she was competing at a horse show nearby. We learned that Sarah was very much into horses and had won many ribbons that day.

I was happy to hear Sarah was still ‘around’ but I didn’t pry any further. Earlier, I had learned that Sarah’s family had moved here from out of state so Sarah could go to a private school that her mom had attended. From talking to Sarah those times she came to pet Daisy, I could tell she was very bright. From all accounts, Sarah is doing quite well and obviously has very nurturing parents.

What I miss, as a neighbor, is seeing that little girl around and having her visit. I enjoyed Sarah coming over to say hello and pet my dog. I liked that she paid attention to my granddaughter, who was only 2 years old at the time. I thought I would have the privilege of watching Sarah grow, like I had many other neighborhood kids. But she is virtually invisible.

It isn’t just Sarah. There aren’t many little kids playing outside in my neighborhood any longer. For that matter, there aren’t many kids playing outside at all. When they do socialize outdoors, it’s oftentimes arranged playdates at parks or swimming pools. Otherwise, kids are busy doing things other than casual, unmonitored playing. Organized baseball and soccer, dance lessons, swim lessons, music lessons, girl scouts and boy scouts, these and other activities keep kids from doing what I did as a kid. That and the heightened fears that someone will snatch our kid if we aren’t watching them every second.

When I was a kid, we rode bikes, played catch, kick ball, tag, cowboys and Indians, army, etc. The last two activities are looked down upon these days because we pretended to have guns. I personally don’t think I was scarred by that. Besides, many of today’s video games are much more violent! Of course, when I was a child, we didn’t have computers, the internet, smart phones, cable TV, and the fear comes with the constant, 24-hour updates of every wrong doing that occurs among us 300+ million Americans.

While it may sound like I’m complaining, I really don’t know that we had it better when I was growing up. To be honest, there are advantages and disadvantages of today’s world versus the world of my youth. Kids are still social and probably much more diverse and accomplished in their skills. I'm certainly not against organized activities. It’s just that these activities are not as instinctive or unstructured. You don’t see many kids playing on their own in middle class neighborhoods any more. They are being escorted to the malls, or movie theaters, or in basements, challenging each other in the latest video game craze. Too many are busy shifting from their mom’s house to their dad’s house and back, innocent victims of their parents’ issues with each other. The American Academy of Pediatrics says that unstructured 'Free Play' is important for kids! Read here about their study.

Surely, not every neighborhood is void of kids playing outside. Where you live, it could very well be hectic with active kids having fun outdoors. I hope so. But I miss the sounds kids make when they are playing outside, chasing and yelling at each other. Sure, sometimes I wanted them to be quiet or to behave more civilly. But there is nothing like kids playing on their own, running around in the grass, forgetting time, rushing in for a glass of water then running out again. When I think back to summer days when I was around 6-12 years old, I was always busy, without a schedule, always wearing a hat. I wore a hat because I never combed my unruly hair. It simply took too much time and I had to get outside ASAP and play with my friends. Time stood still then, and went by fast!

When Girl Scout cookie time comes around, I’ll discover, or remember, that there are still some kids around and I’m surprised at how they have grown. It’s good when kids are busy. It keeps them out of trouble. But being busy in a very structured way can kill, not only imagination and creativity, but a lot of adult-free fun! Yes, sometimes I look around and wonder, “Where have all the children gone?”

I guess I know where they might be. Maybe I should ask, “Why are all the children gone?"

Read, "Is your child too busy?"

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Why I Never Pass Up a Lemonade Stand

6/19/2014

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"Free lemonade, fifty cents!"

Raising children is much more than feeding them and giving them a place to sleep. Dads and moms need to teach life’s simple lessons to children whenever we can. Those lessons don’t have to be elaborate and they don’t have to be formal.

For example, a few days ago I played tic-tac-toe with my 5 year old granddaughter. When she was 4, I always let her win and she was always so proud of herself. But she is a very sharp little girl and she needs to know that losing is something that can, and will happen to all of us, including her. She was mildly stunned when I got three O’s in a row. Not wanting her to feel defeated too long, I then showed her how she could almost always win if she goes first (being X) and makes a couple of smart moves. Losing means that you may have to practice more or work harder.

Losing gracefully and rebounding is one of THE key lessons in life. It’s also one of the toughest lessons to teach. But you can’t assume that a child will understand these things on their own. Some kids never learn to lose gracefully, some never learn to bounce back, and others never learn to win. Any of these negative results can hurt one’s growth.

I’m particularly impressed when I see any kid take initiative. A few years back, I made it my personal policy to never pass up a lemonade stand. Of course, there are times when I have to be somewhere else at a designated time, or it’s simply not safe to stop or to turn around. But generally, I will always stop and buy a drink from a kids lemonade stand. I believe it is important to recognize and encourage kids in this most basic of business lessons. I have had some excellent, and some really face-contorting lemonade in my time! But it’s not about the lemonade, it’s about supporting kids who aren’t watching TV or playing video games. They are outside, learning basic commerce, meeting and communicating with people, and earning a little money.

One cute little girl, about 5 years of age, decided she was going to ‘sell’ lemonade one day. Generally, lemonade entrepreneurs are 7-12 years old but it’s not unusual to be younger or older. This cutie was new at the game and had lots to learn--and isn’t that what’s great about these adventures? Her enthusiasm was not an issue at all as she yelled out to everyone within earshot, “Free lemonade, only 5O cents!”

I thought her approach was unique! She may not have planned it, but how could you ignore a plea like that? When you are five, having a lemonade stand is not so much about economics, but a great way to gain confidence in dealing with people. This first venture will only improve her next experience as a salesperson. When she is older, she’ll realize that lemons and sugar are inventory, mixing a pitcher full of lemonade is production, having a stand is overhead, and that there must be truth in advertising. After all, 50 cents is an exorbitant price for free lemonade!

Even more than the business angle is the joy they get from their interactions with customers. Some will give compliments on their lemonade or their signs. Other customers will honk or wave, then show up a couple of minutes later. Little kids will bring their own money. People on bikes will stop and tell them they really needed a cool drink and are thankful they found their stand. And, of course, there will be stories from the customers of how they, or their own children, once had lemonade stands.

But back to the opportunities we have as parents to teach every day! Like lemonade stands, we shouldn't pass them up. Our children need to learn when to be aggressive, when to take turns, when to share, when to give of themselves, when to think of themselves, and when to think for themselves. Even patience and manners are all lessons that, if we are observant, can be taught at just the right moment--when a real life example is before them and us.

Take time to not only be with your kids, but to watch for teaching moments. You can see a lot just by observing. That may have been said first by Yogi Berra, but it is true. Don’t let mistakes and/or misdeeds slide, because every time you do, you will make undoing those acts more difficult in the future.

And please try to support your local, or crosstown, lemonade stand. Not only will you be rewarding some kids for taking initiative and self-teaching themselves, you just might have a nice experience – even if the lemonade is too tart, too sweet, or that ‘free’ lemonade turns out to cost 50 cents!

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Why Are You The Father You Are?

6/16/2014

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Play catch with your kids!

“…what I do as a parent in my own home is far more important than anything I can accomplish in the operating room at Johns Hopkins Hospital – and I think that is true for all of us.”

Dr. Ben Carson, ‘The Big Picture’

Why do some men live for their kids and others brush them aside? Dr. Ben Carson, a famous pediatric neurosurgeon, was raised without a father yet became great fatherhood advocate. Dr. Carson is just one example of the thousands of men who see the value of a father because they did not have a good fathering experience of their own, and felt the pain. On the other hand, there are men who were raised by very good fathers but fail as dads themselves. A very common cause for bad fathers, however, is the fact that they themselves had inept fathers. We see, therefore, that one of the biggest influences that determines what kind a father a man will be, is his own father, or lack of one.

Beyond their own experience, what factors determine a father’s style?

Here are some other factors that play into how a man fathers his children.

Culture: “There is a strong connection between culture and parenting. What is acceptable in one culture is frowned upon in another. This applies to behavior after birth, encouragement in early childhood, and regulation and freedom during adolescence. There are differences in affection and distance, harshness and repression, and acceptance and criticism. Some parents insist on obedience; others are concerned with individual development. This clearly differs from parent to parent, but there is just as clearly a connection to culture.” From “Parenting Across Cultures” by Helaine Selin

Time and place are significant factors in fatherhood. When I was a kid in the 50’ and 60’s, fathers were more authoritarian and emotionally detached. Nowadays, caring fathers are becoming more involved and nurturing. Certainly men from the Middle East have different styles than men in Sweden. Since America is a melting pot, we can have a whole range of parenting styles. More often than not, parenting styles are mimicked by their children for good or for bad.

Where does a man get his prestige? Historically it is in a man’s occupation that he gets recognition and praise. Even Fathers of the Year are usually accomplished men in some field other than parenting. Dadhood does not get the attention it deserves, although that situation is improving.

Pop Culture: Television has done nothing to help the image of fathers since Father Knows Best, last produced in 1963. These days you will find few heroes as dads, just men who have super powers or super egos. Many naive people are led to believe that's how men, in general, behave as fathers and this behavior is expected. Look here for examples.

Personality: A selfish man is not a good father. Neither is a lazy man nor one who can’t finish anything. If you are flashy, egotistic, impatient or irresponsible – forget it! Stop before you become a father! If you already are a father, re-evaluate yourself and try your best to get a better perspective of your responsibilities. You have a lot of leeway because your children will likely love you for who you are, at least for a while. Get to know them and let them know you by being open and getting them to talk.

Nurturing: Mothers are known for nurturing. Fathers are often forgotten when nurturing is discussed. But fathers can nurture better in certain areas, such as how to be a man, for sons; or how to be treated by a man, for daughters. They can also nurture in most of the same areas as the mothers do. Really, it takes a team that compliments each other to give the best examples to your children. Nurturing and protecting are the two main responsibilities of parents. An earlier post of mine talks about nurturing.

Drugs and alcohol: If you abuse either, your example and priorities will be compromised! Do I need to say more?

Government: The government has become more and more involved in the lives of families. Whether this is a good or bad thing depends on the make-up of the family and the direction you would like society to take. Read “Don’t Feed the Bears”.

These are just a few of the major influences that may determine what kind of father you are, or will become. Most parents, who have difficulties raising their children, do not look into alternative ways to parent. They are stuck making the same mistakes, over and over! We must learn from each other! No matter the influences discussed herein, there are things you can do to be the best dad you can be. I discuss some of these in, “The Seven Be’s of a Successful Dad”. Be open to the possibilities!

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I Prefer, "Happy Dad's Day"

6/12/2014

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Happy Dad's Day!

You’ve heard the saying before, “Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.”

Isn’t that a shame - a shame that so many assume the last part of this adage to be true? Naturally, dads are special to their kids, and that is how it should be. However, it shouldn’t stand that a man has to be ‘special’ to be a dad. That’s suggesting your average male is not a good dad. And while it is true that many men are not responsible fathers, most are. It would be dishonest to assume that your average guy were not capable of ‘Dadhood’, as I like to call it.

With that said, I prefer to say ‘Happy Dad’s Day’, and that includes everyday guys who make up the large majority of dads. The reason I prefer ‘Happy Dad’s Day’ goes back to the truth that “anyone can be a father”.

When you have 43% of United States children living without their fathers in 2013, [US Department of Census], you have problem. Of course some men don’t live with their children but are still wonderful dads. Then again, there are men who live with their children but still do not take responsible actions to tend to their families’ welfare. However, when 43% of homes with children do not have a father living with them, then a large percentage of that statistic is due to men who never own up to their fatherhood duties. I could never honor a man for merely ‘donating’ sperm without taking on the responsibilities that go with it. Therefore, it should be dads that are paid tribute, not the larger population of men called fathers, which includes those who are biological fathers only.

Father's Day is meant to be a celebration honoring men who are fathers and celebrating fatherhood, along with the influence of fathers in society. It came long after Mother’s Day and had a difficult time catching on. Many suspected it of being a commercial ploy and there is certainly some truth to that. Mother’s Day, however, is much more of an accepted and popular celebration. Another example of the back seat men take as parents.

I don’t ever remember celebrating Father’s Day as a kid. I don’t even know if I heard of Father’s Day back then. My father did not fulfill his responsibilities to his six children and was often not around. That may be the primary reason my family never celebrated it. I’m certain I would have written my father a note, as a young boy, wishing him a “Happy Father’s Day”. I would have because I looked up to him as any young man would look up to his father. He wouldn’t have deserved it, but I wanted him to deserve it, and I didn’t know any better at the time. (See "When Your Heart Lags Your Brain" )

There are many kinds of dads and we wish them all a wonderful Dad’s Day! There are military dads, stay-at-home-dads, gay dads, corporate dads, single dads, blue collar dads, divorced dads and more. What makes these guys ‘dads’ is not merely being fathers, but how they may be described.

When a father is described as loving, dedicated, involved, consistent, caring, affectionate, and nurturing, then he truly is much more than just a father. He is someone who values his children, understands his own value to them, and is responsible for their well-being. The short description for that man is….Dad!

Happy Dad’s Day to all of you dads out there! And keep up the good work!

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A Dads' Self-Inspection Checklist - A Father's Day Review

6/9/2014

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I was the military for 29 years and a father for 25 of those years. We were constantly being inspected by our superiors against standards. To be ready for these inspections, and to ensure that we were in compliance, we developed ‘self-inspection’ checklists. Now that I blog about fatherhood, I thought, why not have a self-inspection checklist for fathers? Often, we don’t really know, or think about, what it is we could improve upon as dads. While you are not likely to be inspected on your parenting skills, you do want to be the best dad possible.

But are you the best dad you can be?

Following is a Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist. I developed the questions in this checklist from my book “The Power of Dadhood” to be published in the spring of 2015. The emphasis of this checklist is ‘self’, because you will taking a look at yourself. The questions are not intended to judge, but to allow you to reflect on your relationship with your children. While some of the questions seem similar, they are re-worded in ways that may apply better to your situation.

Be honest! Be reflective. Don’t think yourself a bad dad if you can’t answer all these questions positively. There is no grade. This is just a vehicle to become a better dad. By the end of the checklist, you will be beaming, taking note of needed corrections, or most likely, both.

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Dads’ Self-Inspection Checklist

Are you there for them, not just around?

Do you/did you hold your children as babies and toddlers?

Do you enjoy spending time with your kids?

Do you make time to focus on your kids?

Would you consider yourself loving and do your kids KNOW that you care for them?

On occasion, do you give them special one-on-one attention?

Do you comfort your kids when appropriate?

Are you willing to be ‘hated’ for doing the right thing for your children?

Do you really listen when spoken to?

Do you have fun together?

Do you help your children face their fears?

Do you push (encourage) your meek children forward and hold back (protect) your adventurous children?

Are you aware of any peer pressure they may be facing and how to deal with it?

Do you give them reachable challenges to conquer to build up their confidence?

Do you praise their efforts and rejoice when they are persistent?

Can you tell if and when your help will make them stronger or weaker?

Does your family work together and support each other?

Do you and their mother see eye to eye on how to raise your children? Can you compromise?

Do you continue to parent the only way you know how, or do you research other options?

Are you aware of how much you, as a father, can influence your children in both positive and negative ways? If not, read my blog or books on fatherhood.

Do you develop family traditions that are loved by the entire family?

Do you know children’s friends? Do you approve of their values?

Is diversity allowed and cooperation encouraged in your home?

Are you careful to not favor one child over another?

Do you never give in, give in too much, or give in as appropriate to your children’s requests?

Do you communicate clearly with the children’s mother regarding punishments, rewards, their whereabouts, schedule etc.?

Are you a good example to your children and do you represent yourself well?

Do you avoid abusing your power as a father, using influence instead of force?

Do you have an open mind toward things you don’t understand?

Are you consistent in your actions, discipline, encouragement, love?

Following your lead, are your children respectful and kind to others?

Are you a good model for your daughters to know how to be treated by boys or other men?

Is building the character of your children a conscious part of your parenting?

Would you want your children to act as you do? Children will usually mimic you.

Do you encourage your children’s passions, dreams, and individuality?

Do you realize that lessons taught when your children are young will be anchored in them, but missed lessons may haunt you for a long time? Prevention is much easier than healing!

Do you allow them to make mistakes (for learning) when no one or nothing will get hurt?

Do you teach, or exemplify to your kids, kindness, values, discipline, or manners?

Do you praise good behavior while redirecting/correcting inappropriate behavior?

Do you help them to make responsible choices?

Do you tell your children mistakes are okay, but known wrongdoing is NOT a mistake?

Do you instill integrity, teaching what’s right to do and what is wrong to do?

Do they know what humility means and how it can help them to be liked and respected?

Do you teach your children to be self-reliant and to be responsible for their actions?

Have you taught them how to earn, value, save, and spend money?

Do your children know how to set and meet goals?

Do you emphasize and support education?

If you have plowed through this checklist, congratulations! The mere fact that you went through it all indicates you probably did well on your self-inspection. Your most important personal contribution to your family and society is your dedication to the welfare of your children. But none of us are perfect and we do have many distractions. It’s good to review this checklist occasionally, maybe every Father's Day week, to check up on yourself while you are checking up on your children. Ask for guidance if you could use some help!

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Freedom and Standards - Can We Have Both?

6/6/2014

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Campus of Washington University in St. Louis

When you are a dad, you have a responsibility to teach your children that there have been those that have died to give them the life they now have. Also, let them know that they should be respectful while enjoying those freedoms. It's the 70th anniversary of the D-Day Invasion and too many young people know nothing about it.

Freedom and Standards. I believe adamantly in both! My belief in freedom trumps my belief in standards, but what some people consider freedoms trample all over the standards of others. Freedom is often balanced with standards to prevent chaos, sustain decency and present targets/goals to achieve.

I very much believe in personal freedom when no harm is caused to others, an ideal that anyone with common sense believes. However, we sometimes allow objectionable activity to go too far without objection. When we are silent about those things, they breed an aura of acceptance which isn’t really there.

One example is foul and misogynistic language in music to which children and adolescents have access. I would never advocate a law against free speech in music. This is not about government involvement, this is about everyday people protecting a decent society. If enough people speak up against the foul use of language in music, not to ban it, but to deplore it, to not buy it, then kids may not get the idea that it is okay to talk and think like this. But we often remain silent. I have an example where I, myself, have kept quiet in a situation I don’t care for. I have not yet said anything for fear of being ostracized.

I belong to a social media network of dads. These are great guys! Very responsible men who value their children and families. What many of them do, quite often, that makes me uncomfortable is the casual use of the disgusting f-word. It seems very acceptable to this group to toss various revolting forms of this word around, even in their various blogs. Now I’m not prudish about swearing. When close friends are together, maybe watching a game or in a locker room, say anything you want if no one cares. Social media is just not an appropriate venue!

We have a responsibility, to those we care for, to speak up respectfully to save those standards we think are important to all of us. What we say, and how we say things, our appearance, and how we treat others, simply matter! To think otherwise is naïve.

Some rules to consider before speaking up:

Think before you speak!
Standards are different in different cultures and societies. Their standards should be respected.
Keep your comments only for people close to you, unless the alleged offenders directly impact you or your family.
Your comments should be about positive advice, not negative complaints.
Be courteous and sensitive to others’ viewpoints and rights.
Have some skin in the game. e.g. don’t complain about the quality of ice in igloos if you’re not an Eskimo.
You can’t be a loon! (You have to have some credibility)
When you speak up, speak rationally.
Expect blow-back! What is unacceptable to you will be acceptable to someone. But the conversation is valuable to both sides.

I read some banter a few weeks ago, about a principal who wanted to enforce a dress code for parents when they came to school. This was to set an example for their children, who often dressed inappropriately. Well, most commenters were aghast that the principle should try to tell them how to dress - and I agree. They shouldn’t be told, nor should they have to be told how to dress when coming to school.

It was more of a plea, in my mind, to have the parents think about how they are dressing, to set a higher standard. When men wear sleeveless T-shirts or women wear see-through blouses to their children’s school, and no one in the school says anything about it, then it becomes okay and the practice continues. In my mind, the way you present yourself to the school presents an image of your standards. If no one is offended then dads, wearing sleeveless T-shirts in school, is not a problem. It’s all about standards we agree on. My standard would be to dress as if I had an informal business meeting. I could be in the minority but others would have to speak up for me to know that. (Note: Yes, I realize some parents dress a certain way for work and may not have a chance to change – this is not about them.)

The longer you accept something which is against your values, the more you will have your values stepped upon. It doesn’t take a rant to speak up, just a measured response.

Our language is polluted by slang and shortcuts that our culture now accepts. I remember as a kid hearing racially charged words that would still be with us today if people hadn’t started speaking up. Some men and women wear pajama bottoms to the store. Is this a bad thing to do? No, it’s not bad, but it is in bad taste. I don’t want to see it! It may not be appropriate for strangers to say anything to these people, and they shouldn’t, but their spouse, kid, neighbor, friend, or mentor should give them some advice. To be sloppy in dress, manners, or behavior is a bad reflection on yourself, and your respect for others when you are out in public.

If you are wrong when you speak up, which could well be, at least you participated in the discussion and you should not be condemned for it. For instance, if an older person comments that you shouldn’t wear an American flag on your bottom, understand where they are coming from. The flag may have a totally different meaning to them in the world in which they grew up.

As is my case, one of the reasons we often don’t say anything is because we are afraid to be wrong, or afraid to be attacked. Bullies don’t have that problem and it is why they usually win the argument regarding appropriateness. The loudest almost always win. The rest of us can be lemmings and just go along, comfortable or not.

Foremost, I want us to keep our freedoms! But we should also have the freedom to live in a society with reasonable standards of success, decency and respect.

To those of you who disagree, speak up! But at least look at the rules first.

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Kids and Their Dads - A Photo Journal

6/2/2014

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Kids want their dads to be around. Maybe not all the time, just when they want you or need you. But isn’t that what dads are for?

They also want you to want to be around them. That doesn’t mean to say that they wouldn’t prefer you to go away sometimes. It just has to be their idea, not yours.

Sometimes you need to concentrate on them. Special days, set aside for family time, is essential because when you are busy, you may not remember the little things that really aren’t that little.

Dance with your kids, sing to them, play with them, and hold them....

....even when they get older!

But start when they are young because it will be difficult to start later!

Capture your children in photos as they grow. They change every day and you can't go back!

Set on a swing and talk to them. Or just swing. One on one time is very valuable.

Traditions are always a good idea. Take them to the park, or the ballpark. All my kids remember going to see the Cardinals play, getting nachos, and singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”. Zoos are also fun and educational. We go several times a year and always have a wonderful time.

When I became a grandfather, I bought 2 ½ acres in the country just for the purpose of creating memories for my children and grandchildren. We have a playhouse and playground where they can be kids, host friends, explore, and just enjoy nature.

Even Grandfathers can join in the fun!!
The key is really knowing your children enough to know when to give attention, when to stay in the background. Know how to show your love while letting them know you are their parent, not their friend. Most importantly, let them know they are wanted and very special to you!

Enjoy your kids and they will enjoy you!

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