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Notes and Quotes for Dads

10/12/2020

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My father was not a good father. I learned much about fathering by watching him and, when I became a dad myself, I tried to do every fatherly act he didn't do.

​I still loved him and longed for his attention as a boy. Knowing the magnitude and impact of the loss of fatherly advice, guidance, and simple attention, I wrote notes and observations on fatherhood for my extended family. These observations became a book, "The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs."


I want to pull some lines from my book, giving you an idea of my passion for the importance of involved fathering. I'd then like to share some quotes on fathering from other authors, famous people, and great minds as further encouragement, hoping they will give depth and meaning you the most important role a man can have.


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From: "The Power of Dadhood"

On a father's mission and attention:


"No man is a failure who has helped a child, especially his own. The greatest single gift a man can give his children is his attention. It seems so simple, but somehow it is lost in its simplicity. There is no excuse for not trying your best to be a good father. There are reasons, obstacles, and hardships, but no excuses."

On Helping Fathers to be Dads:

"While some men thrive naturally as fathers, there are too many who don't, and the results can be disastrous. We must not judge these men because we don't know what they've been through, how they were raised, or how they see things as a unique personality. But they could use a mentor, especially if their father was not there for them."

Learning from other dads:

"I learned so much from my father. I learned from him that I needed to get an education. I learned that people would judge me by my actions and react to me according to my attitude. I learned the importance of reliability and trust. These things I learned from him because he demonstrated how difficult life can be without them."

Impact on Society:

"Almost all of society's ills can be traced to people whose family lives were in turmoil. Often the turmoil started with an absent or uncaring father."

The Truth:

"You are the only true father your children will ever have, but you are not alone. Your children are waiting for you. Their mother is longing for your help. Society is cheering for your success. Fathers who are true Dads are always ready to talk to you."
 
Fatherhood quotes from authors, leaders, and great minds:
 
"But there's no substitute for a full-time dad. Dads who are fully engaged with their kids overwhelmingly tend to produce children who believe in themselves and live full lives." Tony Dungy
 
"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." Sigmund Freud
 
"As an educator, I've seen the positive influence that fathers have on their children." Nicoline Ambe, Being Dad
 
"My dad encouraged us to fail. Growing up, he would ask us what we failed at that week. If we didn't have something, he would be disappointed. It changed my mindset at an early age that failure is not the outcome, failure is not trying. Don't be afraid to fail." Sara Blakely
 
"When I was a kid, I used to imagine animals running under my bed. I told my dad, and he solved the problem quickly. He cut the legs off the bed." Lou Brock
 
"Being a father is about adaptation and about making the most of the opportunities that are given to you." Colin Adams, Parenting for New Dads
 
"A daughter needs a dad to be the standard against which she will judge all men." Gregory E. Lang
 
"Being a father is the most rewarding thing a man whose career has plateaued can do." Aristotle
 
"Being a father has been, without a doubt, my greatest source of achievement, pride and inspiration. Fatherhood has taught me about unconditional love, reinforced the importance of giving back and taught me how to be a better person." Naveen Jain
 
"Listen, there is no way any true man is going to let children live around him in his home and not discipline and teach, fight and mold them until they know all he knows. His goal is to make them better than he is. Being their friend is a distant second to this." Victor Devlin
 
"It is a wise father that know his own child." William Shakespeare
 
 "The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent." Frank Pittman
 
"Being a father means you have to think fast on your feet. You must be judicious, wise, brave, tender, and willing to put on a frilly hat and sit down to a pretend tea party." Matthew Buckley, Fatherhood: The Manliest Profession
 
"...that the most precious things a father can provide are time, attention, and love." Tim Russert, Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons
 
"Fatherly love is the act of giving your life for the sake of someone else's needs." Nate Dallas, Hacking Fatherhood: Preparing For Success in the Biggest Role of Your Life
 
"No amount of money can be paid for the relationship between a father and his sons and a father and his daughters." Willie Williams, 7 Steps to Parenting Power
 
"My father taught me that the only way you can make good at anything is to practice, and then practice some more." Pete Rose
 
"Studies show that when a baby, child, or teenager has a good father, that child will soar." Meg Meeker, MD
 
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." Mark Twain
 
"One of the greatest needs of this age is for responsible and committed fathers." Bishop Charles Edward Blake Sr.
 
Summary

Thank you for your interest in fatherhood, or 'Dadhood' as I like to call fatherhood with involvement, mentoring, nurturing, and demonstrating love.
​
Dadhood = fatherhood + nurturing + demonstrated love
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Excerpt #1 from ‘The Power of Dadhood’

5/25/2020

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For the next four weeks, leading up to ‘Father’s Day,’ I will be publishing excerpts from my mentoring book, “The Power of Dadhood.” I hope by doing so, the reader will understand this book is easy to read, has simple but effective advice, and talks down to no one. I know it will help your family!
​
Men who become fathers bring on a large but satisfying responsibility into their lives. That is true for all. What is different among men is their background, temperament, health, their relationship with the mother, the relationship these men had with their parents, their occupations, the personalities of their children, and so much more. These variations bring on countless combinations of issues and challenges. What father among us has all the answers? Certainly not me, but I do discuss those challenges in a way to allow each father to find a better answer for himself and his family.


Excerpt #1: from pages 5-7 of, The Power of Dadhood
​
​MEN AS FATHERS

“I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.”
—Sigmund Freud

There are too many men who procreate but never earn the title of “Dad.” The word father to them is a label, not a commitment. They don’t want the responsibility of a child, and they blame others for their predicament.

There are other men who meet their parental responsibilities by providing food, clothing, shelter, and discipline. They do this robotically without much emotion or interplay.

There are others still who provide the basics while also creating a warm, loving atmosphere. Likely, most fathers fall into this category. However, at the top of the pyramid are those men who not only provide for their children within a loving atmosphere, but also nurture, praise, and teach their children—throughout their lives. These men are heroes to their children and are among the most stalwart pillars of our society. Their contributions are often hidden. We do not conceive of what may have happened without them, and they are rarely celebrated. But statistically, we can and will see what loving, nurturing fathers have done and will continue to do for both children and our society.

WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A REAL DAD

A Dad does not need to be handsome, strong, athletic, macho, rich, eloquent, college educated, or even married to the child’s mother, as is often the situation. Although many men want to be these things, such characteristics don’t make a man a Man or a father a Dad.

A Dad does need to be loving, available, caring, interested, and involved, as well as a nurturing teacher, disciplinarian, coach, cheerleader, and so much more.

Many men would like to be handsome, rich, eloquent, and more, as would I, but these traits should never come as a substitute for qualities that make them real Dads. We’ve all known men who were shams, showing a jovial and interested face to the world but a sullen, unengaged, and even surly face to his family. The sham father is just a house of cards, big on appearances but otherwise sorely lacking. The real Dad has a solid foundation as a leader and mentor—with a greater likelihood of entering that zone of being a wonderful Dad.

I say this to my fellow men: you don’t create children to fulfill your own vision, but you do create opportunities for them to discover themselves so they can become happy and at ease with themselves.
Being a father is not a competition. It constitutes selfless, loving acts toward other human beings—human beings that you and their mother have brought into this world.

THE POSITIVE IMPACTS OF GOOD FATHERING

I contend, without any hesitation, that if every father in this country, working cooperatively with a positive, responsible mother, were to consider and successfully apply responsible parenting principles and values:
  • incidents of crime and hate would plummet remarkably.
  • personal success and general happiness would increase.
  • mental health issues would be greatly reduced.
But the seventeen-year-old father who can barely take care of himself, or the new thirty-two-year-old father who has lived a mostly selfish single life, or the businessman who has been too busy to really pay attention to his kids—these men and other fathers don’t necessarily need to concern themselves with the greater societal good so much as they need to make honest efforts at being the best fathers they can be. Society will then take care of itself.
​
So whether these claims of a better society are bold or obvious, we know that improving the participation and skills of all fathers will certainly be good for our children. This is our goal. This is the potential of the power of fatherhood.

​Next week will be another excerpt. Thanks for reading, and never forget the #powerofdadhood !
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​Why Fathers Need a Sense of Humor

9/2/2019

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PictureA Lake Michigan Sunset
Fathers are parents too. They are just as important as mothers to the welfare of their children. However, being respected as a parent can be more difficult for fathers. There are factors such as unfair assumptions, time available, lack of mentoring, lack of opportunity, and personality that have caused some of these difficulties. Whereas the previous sentence can apply to women in the workforce, it is true for men in the family.

Married men and/or fathers take a beating in many circles. Not that men don’t deserve some of it, but I will explain. Before I begin, this is not going to be an anti-woman stance. I don’t push feminist doctrine, but I am very pro-woman. Most of the important people in my life are females. They raised me, they comforted me, and have given me great joy. In short, I very much respect women. On the other hand, when I have had trouble, most of it came from, or because of, men. That’s just me, not everyone. However, men often get what we used to say when I was a kid, “the short end of the stick” when family issues are discussed. Oftentimes, men are ridiculed in ways women would never be. Yes, there are blond jokes. But we don’t really assume someone is dumb just because they are blond - not anyone with a lick of sense, and they are rarely our moms.

TV Shows

In family oriented TV shows, for instance, men are shown to be idiots, buffoons, lazy, and/or self-centered. ‘Everyone Loves Raymond” is a classic example, as is “Homer Simpson”, “Two and a Half Men”, “Bob’s Burgers”, and “Married…with Children”. I enjoyed all these programs and wonder if they would have been successful if it had been focused on the shortcomings or buffoonery of women. The one TV program that came close to this was from the 1950’s, “I Love Lucy”. Lucy, however, was much more loveable than Raymond or Al Bundy, in my opinion.

Commercials

In commercials, it’s men who are always being rescued by their wives, daughters, or moms. In “The Boy Crisis”, author Warren Farrell states, “…virtually 100 percent of TV ads that portray only one sex as a jerk portray the man as the jerk.” A 2016 Super Bowl commercial shows a dad distracted with his Doritos while a female doctor and mom look at the ultrasound of their child as they wonder how they put up with his behavior. Any commercial that would belittle the skills or knowledge of a woman like this would never make it on TV. I understand this. Women are the main consumers of TV products so it works to downplay the attributes of men.

Does it bother me that men are often belittled on TV programs and commercials? No. I can take it and smile. Few men complain about how they are portrayed. But it doesn’t help young men who watch these commercials and assume their dads are like this. What does bother me is the wrath that would exist if it were the other way around. I’m very happy it isn’t the other way around, i.e. men being the smart ones, men showing women which water filter is best. It would make me cringe a bit. Men and women, as groups have their strengths and weaknesses. We should recognize that but not be married to the notion either of us are helpless. All of us can find instances, no matter our sex, when we are in need of help.

Family Heroes

When discussing their lives in speeches, most speakers credit their mothers as the backbone of their family. It was factually true in my upbringing that my mother was our backbone, as is true in many other families. However, the truth of the matter is most families had a backbone of a mother and father molded together to perform what each does well. But it’s the mother who is most commonly considered the backbone. I have no issue with this trend. But I can’t imagine it would be socially acceptable to say men were the backbone of most two-parent families. When in doubt, go with the mom.

The Courts

Men, as fathers, take a beating in the courts as is sometimes appropriate. In circumstances that are not so obvious, it is the mother who is most often awarded custody of the children even when the father wants custody himself. Whereas Moms have a right to their children, Dads have to fight for their children. In 2013, just one of every six custodial parents (17.5 percent) were fathers according to US Census Bureau. We can factor in the remarkable parenting skills of most mothers and that is still a lopsided statistic. Everyone has heard the term “Deadbeat Dad”, but you never hear the term “Deadbeat Mom”. The area of child custody is one area where a sense of humor doesn’t help. The good news is more fathers are getting custody and visitation rights than in the past.


Summary
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Fewer people today want to admit that men and women are different, even to the point of confusion. (Some push the narrative that there are 70+ genders.) Strengths are not usually owned by one sex or the other, but they can be predominant in one or the other and this fact has repercussions and advantages. The honor, ability and burden to bear children has naturally been a factor in women’s social standing.  The truth is that men have had the advantage in the boardroom, and women have had the advantage in the courts, both in law and public opinion through the media. In both of those situations, the trends are reversing. More women in the boardroom means more men at home. This works well when both are where they most want to be. Changing social standards will allow them to be where they feel is best for their family and to feel good about it. Life is not fair; it doesn’t have a conscience. Women have disadvantages and have been mistreated, but men also experience these things. We rarely talk about the issues men face.

Yes, fathers need a sense of humor, and not just with their kids. #powerofdadhood

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