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Education, Preparation, or Welfare Nation

2/27/2014

Many, if not most of the social problems of today, or any day, begin in the home. Fatherless homes start when children are born out of wedlock. In white homes the out of wedlock birthrate is 29%, in Hispanic homes it is 53%, and in black homes it is an astonishing 72%!

In this post, I combine the third article from "The Father Factor" series by The Atlantic and The Deseret News, with today's announcement from President Obama of a program called "My Brother's Keeper" which is designed to bolster the lives of young minority men.

The Father Factor article discusses whether welfare programs should pay more attention to dads. It describes a situation that is all too common. Children are being raised in poverty conditions without their fathers but possibly with the boyfriends of their mothers. The welfare system helps but does not repair these families. Their offspring are destined to repeat the scenario.

The president's “My Brother’s Keeper” initiative "will bring foundations and companies together to test a range of strategies to support such young men, taking steps to keep them in school and out of the criminal justice system". It is aimed mostly at the black community where the problem is most out of control.

I'm hopeful something positive comes out of the Brother's Keeper program! While welfare will always be with us, it is a patch, very expensive, and not an answer to our social issues. In 1950, only 4% of children were born outside of marriage. Today that percentage is around 41%! Educating, mentoring, and preparing young men (and women) to be responsible is the only way we can stop the cycle of despair we see growing by leaps and bounds. Otherwise, we will be stuck in a spiraling welfare nation and deteriorating society.

President Obama to launch major new effort to help young minority men

Should welfare programs pay more attention to dads?

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Father Factor Series - Single Dads Becoming More Common

2/26/2014

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8% of single parent households are now headed by men

This post follows up on two previous posts re: "The Father Factor" series by The Atlantic and The Deseret News.

The article below (see link) discusses single dads raising their kids alone. I know what many of you are thinking. "Poor kids don't have a chance!"

Most people, including courts, assume a woman is better equipped to raise kids than a man. In most ways I agree, at least in the day-to-day caring of younger children. But what men can't do as single parents is erased when the need arises and the love is there.

Although many men now cook, I never have. But if I had to cook I'm sure I could learn. I leave the cooking to my wife who devises healthy, delicious, inventive meals without my help. It's not that unusual for any of us to concentrate on things other than those already being taken care of. We adapt as needed. In short, I believe in men being able to raise their children well. Especially if they aren't afraid to ask for help.

Lastly, if it were biological mothers who were missing from 33% of homes instead of dads, I'd be blogging about motherhood. Kids need both a mom and a dad. 89% of respondents in a 2009 telephone survey agreed. I'm surprised it wasn't 99%.

Click below to read The Atlantic article:
Why the number of single dads is on the rise

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Father Factor Series - Missing Fathers

2/25/2014

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When the Dad is missing!

This post follows up on my previous post re: "The Father Factor" series by The Deseret News.

The article below (see link) describes a situation that helped prompt me to write a book on the importance of fatherhood. In my book, "The Power Of Dadhood", I describe a family similar to one described in the The Deseret News article.

The family in my book is comprised of a single mom with 8 children from 7 different biological fathers. She has one set of twins. The mom was raised without a father and is raising her children as she was raised, without their fathers. She now has one pregnant daughter who no longer associates with the young man who impregnated her. The sons in this single mom family do not know how to be a man and the daughters do not know how to be treated by a man.

Some may ask, "what can we do to stop families from breaking up"? The answer is 'not much' - unless you work on the families of today to save the families of tomorrow.

What usually happens to the offspring of fatherless families is, 1) the females look for male approval in the wrong places and very often have unwed teen pregnancies. 2) The males don't know how to be a real man and they turn to bravado and often violence. These young men are more than willing to satisfy the male approval needs of the young fatherless girls, but have no thoughts of responsible behavior. There is no lasting union, and the cycle continues.

Please read this article below! It explains, better than I, the consequences of not having a caring father in the home (or at least nearby).

The father factor: What happens when dad is nowhere to be found?

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A National Series on Fatherhood - Hallejuia!

2/24/2014

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It's nice to see some National reporting on Fatherhood! TheAtlantic.com and Deseret News has teamed up for a four part series on fatherhood called "The Father Factor". I hope you follow it with me.

From the Deseret News: “The Father Factor.” Many media organizations have focused recently on issues and challenges associated with single motherhood. But the topic of fatherhood — what dads have to offer their children — hasn’t always received the kind of in-depth coverage that it deserves".

Please read:

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865597034/Dads-and-child-rearing.html

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Every Child Needs Responsible Care, Mentoring, and Love

2/20/2014

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This is a very disturbing video! A young boy, who appears to be around 4 years old, is seemingly left without supervision in an arcade.

While his behavior is shocking, my first thought involves his safety. No child this young should be without an adult to watch over him. Of course, even very careful parents can possibly lose sight of their child, but I don’t think that is the situation here.

I’m assuming that this little boy was not born with a serious psychological disability, although it is possible. It could be that he has a Disruptive Behavior Disorder *. If so, it’s even more important that he be closely supervised. What also could be happening is a child being ‘raised’ by a totally incompetent person or persons.

This child has obviously not been taught limits. Any consequences he has ever experienced were not related to his behavior, meant to correct, but likely random punishment (from the child’s view). He has witnessed and learned behaviors like spitting which may be one of the lesser sins he's observed.

Children need authority figures to keep them in check, especially before they have developed their sense of right and wrong. This child has been left behind and it will take years for him to catch up to acceptable behavior skills, even if taught consistent behavior modifications! Left unchecked, it’s likely he could end up in prison or worse.

I don’t know the back story of this video. Why was he left unattended? Why did security take so long to appear? Did he have parents or guardians, or was he with a group? Does he have special needs or is he just severely misbehaved? It doesn’t matter to my message.

Kids are dependent upon and shaped by the important people in their lives. All children are born with certain inborn traits - but teachable variables exist which will make all the difference in the world to their success in life. If those variables, like feeling love, learning confidence, respect, and how to fight fear, are not taught - then the child will have a future full of uncertainty, doubt and pain.

The responsibility of caring, teaching, and mentoring young people is one of the most important and life changing undertakings we can assume. It must be thought out, researched, and performed with lots of love!

*http://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/emotional-problems/pages/Disruptive-Behavior-Disorders.aspx

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The Olympics of Fathering - Working Toward Goals, Not Gold

2/16/2014

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I’m watching the Winter Olympics….occasionally. I like the ski jump and downhill skiing the most. The first hockey match between the USA and Russia was awesome. T.J. Oshie, from my home team, the St. Louis Blues was the hero in the tie-breaking shootout.

Of course, you have to be one of best athletes in the world just to compete. They may not know how to change the time on a DVD player or know where the United Nations are located, but that doesn’t matter. These Olympians worked on their craft, fell, got back up again, and never gave up.

Thank goodness there are no Father Olympics! Being a Dad is not a competition, it is a serious responsibility which should also be a great joy. We all have different styles, go at different speeds, differ in our goals, and we often miss the mark. There are no standard maneuvers we must accomplish or times to beat. But just like an Olympic athlete, a dad should work on his craft, realize he will fall, get back up again, and never give up! We just try to be the best dad we can for each kid we have.

Being a good father does not have the glory of an Olympic champion. The entire world won’t know of your accomplishments, but the rewards can easily be the equal of an Olympic champion. The stage is smaller but the purpose is much larger. Hopefully, there is no one competing with you as Dad. There will be no Silver or Bronze Medal winners. Your judges are your children. If you are involved with them, show your love, really care, teach them and support them, you will win the ‘Gold Medal of Fathering’ in their eyes and be their own personal T.J. Oshie. You don’t have to be elite at anything!

The 7 Rings represent The Seven BE’s of Being a Dad from an earlier article posted on the National Fatherhood Initiative’s Blog below:

<http://blog.fatherhood.org/bid/191763/The-Seven-BE-s-of-a-Successful-Dad>

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Valentine's Day is for ALL Your Loved Ones!!

2/14/2014

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Give your daughter some flowers…

Give your Mom a call…

Give your wife a big THANK YOU and a night out…

While everyday should have some love in it, Valentine’s Day is a chance to make love the foremost part of your day. Remember and reach out to all your loved ones!

* * *
My one exception is my grown son. He knows I love him too but we just don’t do Valentine’s Day! :)

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Common Life Lessons Can Make You a Better Father

2/10/2014

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It's not easy being a parent, but there are plenty of resources to help if you look. Often, great advice on parenting can be found in sources not related to parenting.

While parenting books are popular with moms, they are rarely read by dads. Despite this, I took a chance and wrote a book just for dads knowing it might not fly off the shelves. After all, there is no sex, no vampires, not even a recipe or a diet plan, the usual fare of successful books. But I can’t think of a more important topic for those that could use its guidance.

I, myself, didn’t read parenting books as a young man. But I think I would have had if,
1) it occurred to me at all and,
2) they spoke plainly, simply, and to the point.

Notice how tattered the books are in the photo? They got that way by frequent revisits, and every time I revisit, I find something I missed the previous dozen or more times. Many of my parenting skills came from reading these wonderful books and others, then applying their lessons to everyday life with children.

For instance, if you read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” to be a better salesman, just read it again with the mindset of fathering - and the principles still work. As an example of what I mean, Dale Carnegie tells us in Part Three, “You Can’t Win an Argument”. This lesson teaches us that even if we are right, we will not win anyone over by embarrassing them or putting them in a corner, thereby sapping their self-esteem and alerting their defenses.

As a father, I apply this pearl of Mr. Carnegie’s wisdom to parenting. Of course, as a parent, you have different goals and responsibilities to your children, but how many times does your child come to you with claims that are difficult to believe or have opinions that you know are wrong but harmless. It’s good for your children to feel like they know something you don’t. They also like to be inventive and valued. Therefore, go along with them sometimes instead of constantly correcting them. It keeps the avenue of communication open without a toll road (constant correction) to pass through.

In the classic, “Think and Grow Rich”, a book about achievement and financial success, Napoleon Hill has chapters on faith, imagination, organized planning, persistence and more. How could you not become a better man and father by reading and heeding this advice? Hill also has 11 Major Attributes of Leadership. The first four are 'Unwavering courage', 'Self-control', 'A keen sense of justice', and 'Definiteness of decision'. A man could become a better father by understanding just these 4 of the 11 Leadership Attributes.

One of my favorite self-help books is “Psycho-Cybernetics” by Maxwell Maltz, written in 1960. There’s no real mention of parenting in his book, yet the lessons within can always be applied to raising kids. One section in the book is called “Stop—Look—Listen!” Here, Maltz cautions us to be aware of our present environment, the sights, sounds, and odors which you will miss if you don’t leave the past behind or stop yearning for the future.

Stop—Look—Listen is a vitally important concept for a parent to understand - for both celebrating the good times and fixing the bad. It’s easy to cruise control through crises or issues, never really understanding them. It’s even easier to avoid them altogether. Instead, you sometimes have to stop and look at the situation, and listen for clues because they are out there.Acknowledgement is an activity done in the present, not a passive thought. Both pats on the back and corrective actions need to take place as soon as possible (which I learned in another book and applied at home).

When I wrote my book “The Power of Dadhood”, it was based very much on the lessons of books not focused on fatherhood. There is so much to learn from so many sources to be used in so many ways. A well-rounded and balanced person makes a good parent.The lessons are all around you, if you just stop, look, and listen...and read!

So why read a book like mine, tailored to dads? Because I talk about "Dadhood" and these proven principles all in one place. But don't ever let that stop you from reading the classics!

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Easing Self-Doubt in your Children (Will no Doubt Help Them!)

2/5/2014

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“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.”
― William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure

What is it about some people who can take chances and get things done while others, hesitate, procrastinate, and stagnate? The usual villain is named self-doubt. Fortunately, the young girls in the video have not yet learned self-doubt.

Some say “build on your strengths instead of focusing on your weaknesses”. But it's not your strengths that feed self-doubt, it’s the weaknesses that make you feel unworthy and doubting of achievement. If my granddaughter in the video didn't work on her weakness, she would not be the much improved dancer she is now, 2 years later.

Eliminating or merely accepting some weaknesses will be the remedy to remove self-doubt. To use a simple example, if you can’t shoot baskets, you either practice like mad to get better, or you accept that you are a bad shot and move on to bowling, or something else. Of course it is a lot easier to accept being bad at basketball than being a bad parent, husband, or wife. That’s a weakness you must focus on to improve.

Some, like Tennessee Williams go forth bravely with their self-doubt but suffer in it.

“I don't believe anyone ever suspects how completely unsure I am of my work and myself and what tortures of self-doubting the doubt of others has always given me.”
― Tennessee Williams

If you read some of my previous posts, you’ll see that in my earlier years I suffered just like Tennessee Williams. Like Mr. Willaims, I braved though what many others did without requiring braveness. I also avoided some things I should not have.

Some self-doubters may be born with their affliction, but I doubt it. Parenting, however, will certainly be a major factor. Nurturing is a key. Introducing your children to new things is part of nurturing. Kids need guidance and reassurance, and if it’s not there, they don’t know if they are pointed in the right direction.

Some parents are too busy to nurture. Single Moms with multiple children often have this problem. So do busy entrepreneurs and the “go-getters” of the world. Then there are the demanding parents for whom nothing their child does is good enough. These parents are without balance. They don’t know when or how to praise and are ignorant of the good it does in the right proportions.

Some people have a mindset that they don’t deserve success. Don’t raise you children to feel that way, nor let them feel that it is safer to be 'small'. Some live small because, that way, they don’t have pressure to keep up. But here’s a thought, keep up with what? You are on this earth to improve yourself for yourself. When you do that, you can then help others.

Some simple thoughts on preventing or easing self-doubt in your children.

Let your children know they have value just by being themselves.

Get them involved with dance, sports, scouting, etc. Exposure is good for them!

The earlier in age you introduce your child to something, the less the likelihood of them being afraid of it. Like the girls dancing in the video.

Let them know you sometimes have self-doubts too, but those doubts never stop you.

Self-doubt doesn’t mean you can’t perform or do well. Let that doubt help prepare you.

Help your children gently face their fear. It is the only real way to conquer it.

Let them know that no one notices or remembers their mistakes as much as they do.

Make sure your kids hang out with winners, not losers; supporters, not doubters.

Correct or suggest these phrase changes to your child (and yourself). Replace:

·       “I should” with “I will”

·       “I could” with “I did”

·       “I can’t” with “I’ll try”

·       “I wish” with “I’m going to”

·       “I want” with “I ‘m going after”

·       “I’m afraid” with “I’m brave to try”

If helpful, let them know about faking it until they are making it. Most will never recall they had ever been faking.

And what do your kids have when self-doubt is removed? CONFIDENCE!

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