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Making Kids Smart About Life

1/29/2018

Boy at work!

“Happiness is the desire to give. Unhappiness is the desire to get.”
Anonymous

When I was maybe 3-4 years old, my parents played along with a magic trick I discovered in my imagination. It worked like this. I thought of something I wanted, placed a blanket on the floor, and walked around it three times, bowing towards the blanket slowly and repeatedly saying, “magic, magic”. I would then leave the room knowing that what I wanted would be there if I just gave the magic time to work.

At first, I asked for a candy bar or a Hostess cupcake. When I would come back in the room I would see a bump under the blanket and know that my magic had succeeded. This worked for a day or two because I wasn’t too greedy. Deep in my subconscious, I didn’t want to mess up a good thing by overdoing it. However, by the third day I was feeling very generous and powerful. What good fortune for my parents to have a child with special powers! I could provide for them whatever they wanted if they just asked.

Obviously, this could easily get out of control and my last successful trick produced a six pack of bottled Coke for my mom and dad. It was my largest gift thus far. I told my mom to just let me know if she needed something and I would take care of it. If not reigned in, I would soon need a much larger blanket and my parents would need better paying jobs.

I truly believed I had the magic touch. My parents were getting a kick out of my performance and enjoyed feeding my imagination, but this could not go on. The charade was over when my blankets lay flat after a couple of unsuccessful magic sessions. When I told my mom something was wrong, she admitted they had placed the desired objects under the blanket. I was crushed at first! But even at my young age, I knew it was too good to be true. My parents went along with my act for me, not having given much thought to how to take away my powers.

Reality

When you’re a little kid, getting something without working for it is normal and necessary. Children are totally dependent on their parents. But as kids grow older, they need to learn that there is usually a cost to any benefit. The cost doesn’t have to be ominous or punishing. Sometimes the cost itself is enjoyable. The only thing the cost has to be is giving in some manner. Getting is all about giving first.

As a young magician, the only thing I had to give to get was my talent to make things appear. My return was many times my effort. Beyond that, I was also very generous to my parents. I offered anything they asked for because, ‘Ha!’ it was as easy as a few trips around a blanket and a couple of magic words. Real generosity, however, requires much more effort. Getting something for nothing sounds like a great deal, but it isn’t in the long run. Keeping your children in this make believe world too long will have a negative impact on their values and an unrealistic expectation of life.

Cost/Benefit

Kids need to learn the value of working for a return. Sure, you owe them food, clothing, and shelter when they are helpless. But as they become able, they need to help the family by first picking up after themselves, then becoming contributing members of the team. A team called ‘your family’. Most parents find this difficult to implement for a couple of reasons. First of all, kids often complain, cry, or protest. Secondly, kids can cause more work than they eliminate. It can be frustrating and exhausting. But parents must know that they are building character in their children, not mini-maids and/or handymen to make life easier for themselves.

Chores and Special Jobs

Normal chores around the house should be assigned as age appropriate and not be rewarded with money. Children are rewarded enough by the comforts they share. However, extra jobs around the house, or around the neighborhood, should come with some sort of pay. Shoveling an elderly neighbors driveway would be a nice gesture of giving, but also worth of reimbursement if the neighbors are willing and able to pay. Rewards (pay or recognition) demonstrate the value of their efforts.

This spring I plan on paying my young grandchildren to pick up all the sticks and fallen branches at my farmhouse. They will be paid according to their effort and results. The biggest branch pile compared to their physical size will get the most quarters and so on. More effort, more pay! It’s all about building character!

As kids grow older and become interested in going to movies, buying clothes, or having a smart phone, or even a car, etc., it wouldn’t do them well to just give them what they want. Let them work for what they want. Give them what they need and can’t afford.

Recognition and Reinforcement

It’s important that parents notice and praise their children when they exhibit responsibility, determination, and charity. Positive reinforcement works best for good acts and deeds. Giving in the pleas, begging, and complaining, is also reinforcement, but it certainly is to the detriment of good behavior and character.

Summary

We all have busy lives! Careers, hobbies, sports, bills, health, education, so many things to do and think about. But family has to be at the top of your list of responsibilities. As a former pilot, I was taught that in an emergency the most important thing to do was fly the plane. Only after the plane is under control can the pilot talk to ground control, direct passengers, flip switches, etc. Remember, mom and dad are the pilot and co-pilot of the family. Hopefully, they are both present in any family emergency, spending all their time fixing the emergency, ignoring anything else. This extends to putting family first in daily life—as much as possible.

Have a told you anything you don’t already know? I doubt it! But consider this a reminder because sometimes the obvious escapes us. An article from businessinsider.com discusses thirteen things parents of successful kids have in common. It’s a good article to read and remember. It also helps in “Making Kids Smart About Life”!

#powerofdadhood

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Temple Fixer Upper and the Texas Eagle Travelogue

1/22/2018

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This is a different take on my dad blog but its still about fatherhood and the relationship between a dad and his adult son.

Mike watching me leave from Temple, TX

It was January 14th when I pulled out of the Temple, Texas AMTRAK station on the ‘Texas Eagle’. Twenty hours later I’d be back home in St. Louis, MO. It was a sunny, bright day in the mid-forties for which many natives of this part of Texas complained. Too cold! As we go north, I’m sure mid-forties will be welcomed in mid-winter.

Side note: It’s funny how people adapt to temperatures. 95 degrees is always hot and 20 degrees is always cold. In between, however, you will find people up North very comfortable in the forty degree area and people in the South loving the 90s. Alternatively, the North complains about the 90s and the South shivers in the 40s. Notwithstanding the wind, humidity, or lack of either, I hesitate to complain about temperatures between 40 degrees and 90 degrees. Maybe that’s because I live halfway between Texas and Minnesota, and because seasons seem right to me.

I was in Temple for about a week having helped my son, an Army Warrant Officer, to transfer from Ft. Campbell, KY to Ft. Hood, TX. There he bought a fixer-upper which is rather ironic since Temple is only 40 minutes from Waco, the home of Chip and Joanna Gaines and Magnolia Silos. For those that don’t know, the Gaines are enormously successful rehabbers and entrepreneurs found on HGTV. He bought the house unseen, relying on photos and realtor who, it turned out, was not so reliable.

The Texas Eagle Lounge Car

I’m in the lounge car of the Texas Eagle which is just over a third full. Two of the tables have young Amish playing cards and not paying much attention to the flat, brown Texas countryside. Two young ladies wearing bonnets are at one table playing two young men. The other table has four young men wearing patterned shirts with suspenders and black slacks. It sounds like they are speaking a strange language, maybe Germanic or just a dialect, with an occasional English word or phrase I can pick up. Trying to figure it out, I want to look at their lips, but I don’t want to stare. They all seem to be having a good time.

I have to admit I’m a little surprised about how nice the lounge car is. The seats are comfortable with tables and windows all around. The train sways as it ambles north, sometimes slowly, sometimes jostling. The passenger cars have lounge seats that recline with foot rests. You’ll find couples relaxing under blankets, lone travelers reading, looking at movies they have downloaded (no internet on board this train), or sleeping with arms folded and hats down for privacy.

I’m in the fifth of about seven cars. The train’s whistle seems a little distant, adding to the mood of this way of travel. About an hour and a half north of Temple, the landscape changes a bit with more plateaus, very small hills (more like large mounds) and a shrubby green trees. Even though there is not much change in the scenery, I’m rubber-necking from side to side. I have my Nikon with an 18-300mm lens at the ready just in case I see something interesting. I’ve always been an observer. Although I was an Air Force pilot for six years, I still like to sit by the window on an airliner, but those aisle seats are becoming more lucrative. They are great for those of us with small bladders.

Mike's Fixer Upper

We had arrived at my son’s house a week earlier around dusk, greeted by the realtor. We didn’t expect much from the house knowing it needed a lot of tender care, but we did expect the pier and beam floor to be level. It was not! The living room had a crown in the middle. The realtor had said it had been taken care of. He could feel our angst as we pulled up the carpet and examined the floor. He explained he did the best he could for what my son was looking for. That may have been true - except for misleading us about the floor.

The train just passed a farmer feeding a herd of aggressive goats. My first photo op, but I wasn’t quick enough.

That evening was tough for my son, Mike, and also for me. He felt he had made a big mistake buying this house unseen. We had no idea what it would take to fix the floor at this point. After finding a hotel, we thought we’d talk it over at dinner. We asked the girl at the desk for a good Chinese restaurant. She raved about a place called Dynasty. They should have left off the ‘Dy”!

The party at the table next to us was celebrating a birthday. We were regretting our restaurant choice, fearing what was ahead with this ‘Humpty Dumpty’ of a house, and tired from our 800 mile trip. Just as we were about to leave, all the waiters gathered around and started singing some version of happy birthday. Then, out of nowhere came the piercing clash of a Texas sized symbol. We both jumped out of our seats! It was the pinnacle of a disappointing day, the nadir of optimism.

A view from the train

Mike was in his seventeenth year in the Army. He has made many moves alone, not to mention combat tours in far-off countries. Like me, he’s not good with change yet has pushed forward all these years. So this change alone was uncomfortable, but add to it the disappointments of the house and lousy atmosphere at this moment, and it was the culmination of an awful day! But it would get better.

Not yet two hours north of Temple, the terrain is again very flat, similar to central Illinois but with less farmland and more brush and pastures. Coming into the Ft. Worth suburbs are residential areas and the train crawls. Some homes are ramshackle and others appear to be very nice homes seeming out of place surrounded by vacant fields of brush. I see teens playing basketball in a park. It reminds me how I miss pick-up games of baseball when I was a kid.

The next day Mike called a few foundation companies to get estimates on leveling the house. The first bid was steep, about 10% of the value of the house. But after a few more estimates, the bids were down to half the original. We were beginning to feel better about things. Mike had much work ahead of him but that is what he wanted. He had never owned a house before, living in dorms, apartments, and tents – sometimes worse! This would give him experience in carpentry, plumbing, electrical, etc.

Pulling out of Dallas now. An older Mexican lady, travelling alone, is talking up a storm to someone in Spanish on a speaker phone. It’s the only sound in the car outside the clicking of the tracks and train whistle. The sun has fallen to about five degrees above the horizon. We’ve passed the gleaming skyscrapers of downtown Dallas into an industrial area as we turn more northeasterly.

Dealey Plaza from the train

Coming into the Dallas Amtrak station, I was surprised to see Dealey Plaza where President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. The very spot on the street where he was shot was visible as was the Texas School Book Depository where Oswald took aim. I almost missed this historic spot as I was looking through my lens at the Old Red Museum building. I recognized Dealey Plaza too late, then found I had captured it in one of my photos of the Old Red Museum.

Young Amish girl writing

The next few days in Temple, we pulled carpet, investigated the plumbing under the house, changed locks, and removed glue on the hardwood floors that secured the carpet pad and generally cleaned up. One of the nice things about the house were the seventeen windows that surrounded the 880 square foot living space allowing for much sunshine. Unfortunately, they were all painted closed and had thin, single-pain glass. Mike wanted to repair them, but I talked him into new windows. It had to be done.

It’s been over an hour now and the Mexican lady is still talking loudly to the same person on her phone for all to hear. I was picking up the language by now. A blond-headed Amish girl is writing something feverishly two table down, rarely looking up. The terrain is still very flat allowing downtown Dallas to be seen for miles. We came to a highway paralleling our tracks. The cars were passing us up, although slowly as we headed for our next stop at Mineola, TX. The sun has just set on the flat purplish horizon slowly changing upwards to a pink, then light blue hue. My sightseeing will soon end and I hope to get into a book.

I’m considering eating in the Dining Car for the experience despite the gourmet restaurant prices. But they said we would have to share a table. I’m not anti-people but I’m not sure I want to get into a conversation. This is ‘me-time’ on the Eagle!

I felt badly as the train pulled out of the Santa Fe Station in Temple. There was Mike, waving goodbye not knowing a soul. As a single man, he had done this many times before. But he was grateful that he didn’t have to drag a family around the globe. Thankfully, this would be the last time he would have to move for the Army! His next move would be as a civilian to the Island of Oahu. He spent three years there living in a very modest duplex on the most beautiful beach you could ever see, although one year of his assignment was spent in Afghanistan. He had made good friends there, enjoyed the weather, and absolutely loved the water.

His family is not thrilled that he will be living so far away when he retires from the Army. We have been spoiled the last couple of years because he was able to visit home on long weekends and holidays, Ft. Campbell being only four hours by away by car. But we are all thrilled that he will finally be able to settle in one place and live the life he chooses. And what a nice place to visit!

Dinner in the Dining Car

Well, I took a chance on the dining car and it was surprisingly good. Baked salmon with green beans and baked potato. There were ten tables and only four were taken so I was able to eat alone entertained, however, as strangers in the next two tables told their life stories to each other. It was my first dining car experience. It was twenty steps away, good food, friendly waitress, no tax, and cool atmosphere. I just wish my wife Kathy could have been there with me.

I went back to the passenger car to do a little reading and found the worst seat on the train. A was able to get a little sleep, however, and woke up to light snow as we approached St. Louis. I enjoyed the time to think, the charm of train travel, and the opportunity to people-watch. I also enjoyed helping my son in his latest venture. The day I retired, I dedicated myself to helping others, but family first and foremost!

I'll be going back in a few weeks to see how I can help. I know Mike will do a great job. The house will look awesome!

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Self-Improvement Will Help Everyone Around You!

1/15/2018

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Photo by M. Smith

Those of us who have traveled by air are very familiar with the pre-flight instructions given by the flight attendants. We all know by now that if oxygen masks come down in an emergency, we place the masks on our faces before doing so on any children traveling with us. The reasoning, of course, is you cannot help someone else if you are incapable of helping yourself.

Wouldn’t it be reasonable to think about this philosophy when raising children? If you are broken, uneducated, in poor health, unenthusiastic about life etc. how can you be helpful to someone else? It’s clear that you can’t. What a disadvantage to your children to overcome. Yes, some will overcome your inability to help in a positive way but you will not be a part of their success. Much more likely is the fact your children will not meet their God-given potential.

If not motivated by self-improvement for your own good, then having kids should give you the enthusiasm to grow personally if for no other reason than to help your loved ones. After food and shelter, what children need from a parent is love and mentoring.

A mother and/or father will be the most influential person in a child’s life. The influence, however, can be good or bad! A negative influencer is a cancer to the growth of a child. A positive influencer is a mentor looking to give one a positive start towards achievement. We all have dreams and goals, but until we make a move to act on them, they will always remain just a dream or a goal.

There are quite a few “seat-of-the-pants” parents in the world. Nothing necessarily wrong with this, if the parents have good instincts and have had good parents themselves. However, every parent can learn and develop with targeted self-improvement. Every parent should!

How to start!

A relationship evaluation:

For fathers specifically and mothers too, I refer to Appendix B, “A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist” from my book, “The Power of Dadhood”. This checklist focuses on a parent’s interpersonal relationships with his children and family. Every question in this checklist is covered in the book.

A personal evaluation:

Here are core values from which you may wish to evaluate yourself. Unless you are delusional, you are the best judge of your values, i.e. which are strengths and which are weaknesses.

The values you consider strengths should be passed on to your children. Often, this is as simple as demonstrating them to your children in everyday life.
The values you consider weaknesses are to be filed in your subconscious to hopefully improve upon, and/or to consciously avoid passing on to your children. If you are not physically fit but your spouse is, compliment him or her in front of your children. If you are always late or not dependable, make sure you make it clear to your kids it is a bad habit to get into, and you’re working to change. Below is a list of some core values to consider.

Summary

A parent is the most influential person in their child’s life. This is true whether you are involved in their daily lives or not. If you care about their growth, you will do your best to be a positive influence. You can be a wonderful influence just by being aware of your vital role and the positives and negatives you bring into their lives.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Core Values (pick 4 you are good at, then 4 you may need to improve)

Dependability
Generosity
Reliability
Loyalty
Commitment
Open-mindedness
Consistency
Honesty
Efficiency
Innovation
Creativity
Compassion
Spirit of adventure
Motivation
Positivity
Optimism
Passion
Respect
Fitness
Courage
Education
Perseverance
Patriotism
Service to others
Patience
Inclusive
Humor
Fairness
Hard Working
Good humor
#powerofdadhood

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A Dream and a Promise Can Do Wonders!

1/8/2018

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In USAF undergraduate pilot training.

How a child is raised has an undeniable impact on his or her success and happiness. Everyone would agree with that, but not enough seems to be done about it. Occasionally, children raised in a stressful or unloving atmosphere achieve while others, raised in the same atmosphere, or even in a seemingly ideal situation, do not. However, I think most experts agree, with little doubt, that having two savvy and loving parents will be a huge advantage in the mental health of a child. Children without that advantage can succeed, but they will struggle more than necessary. I lived this scenario and I’ve seen others in my family both fail and succeed – but the successes have been fewer.

As I turned ten years of age, I occasionally had to babysit my five younger siblings. My father was absent and my mother had to work to support us. She was only twenty-seven-years-old with six children to feed. My youngest brother was only one-year-old. Thinking back on this is a frightening picture.

Certainly, my mother didn’t want to leave us alone, but she was without alternatives. She had to work. We needed the money because our father was absent and not supporting us. I should mention that my mother is my hero for how hard she worked to raise her six children alone.

Tough beginnings mean extra work ahead

Needless to say, this was not the best start for any young person. However, the difficulties my siblings and I experienced pale in comparison to some of the challenges too many young people suffer. But preventable struggles, like those caused by my father’s parental neglect, should never happen.

How did we all do coming out of this situation? Beyond the challenges all kids face as they mature, we all had extra demons to defeat, some struggling with those demons more than others. The biggest challenge I had was a serious lack of confidence in myself. I believe my five siblings also suffered from this and other psychological issues.

I broke out of this cycle of despair more successfully than my siblings did because of two things, 1) a promise I made to myself and, 2) a dream. The promise was to never be poor! Not to be rich, but to not be poor – an error I will discuss later. My dream was to be a pilot, a dream of many young boys. But in my case, it was a passion.

My dream of being a pilot seemed so distant, but I kept my focus. This dream supported my goal of never being poor. It is amazing what one can do when you have a dream as a goal, backed up by a promise. I also had two personal heroes that I looked up to - Jack Buck, an announcer for the St. Louis Cardinals and Jimmy Stewart, my favorite actor and also a US Air Force pilot. I admired their values and personalities. Often, you can be a mentor just by being a good example. They were my mentors from afar.

Being a mentor is a wonderful way to help anyone who could use advice or guidance! My book, The Power of Dadhood is, in fact, a mentoring book intended to teach fathers to how to mentor their children. It may be obvious, by now, why I wrote this book.

I succeeded in my keeping my promise and achieving my dream. I have never been poor since the moment I graduated from college. I became a US Air Force pilot and loved every part of that experience. It wasn’t easy! The required steps to make my dreams come true were demanding but not really the issue. The toughest hurdles in this journey were the exaggerated and fabricated hurdles I put upon myself, thinking I was not worthy! The hurdle of self-worth will also cause one to underestimate their potential. I should have had a goal to be rich, instead, I just hoped to not be poor. Always shoot higher than you think possible.

Summary

My message is two-fold. The first message is that anyone with a dream can overcome obstacles with determination. That is a common theme of encouragement, but your self-imposed obstructions are the first and most important to overcome. There is no need of having a fifty-pound dead weight on your back when climbing Mt. Everest. This or any other test in life has its very own challenges to conquer and that extra, unnecessary weight may cause you to fail.

The second message is the desperate need for parents and other mentors to help young people grow. Having proper mentoring and a decent childhood atmosphere will not place unnecessary burdens on a child. A much easier and effective way to be successful is to not have those extra burdens in the first place. Children raised in a good, nourishing home will have a head start because their life has been streamlined, not encumbered with self-imposed friction and speed bumps. If the number one factor in a successful life is self-reliance, a very close second would be the way you were raised and mentored.

I challenge parents and all adults to be aware of the needs of the young people around you. Your help and guidance will save them from being an adversary and/or obstacle to themselves. It just takes a kind word or a bit of attention. Be there! Be a mentor!

Michael Byron Smith
#powerofdadhood

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Making Kids Smart About Life

Temple Fixer Upper and the Texas Eagle Travelogue

Self-Improvement Will Help Everyone Around You!

​A Dream and a Promise Can Do Wonders!

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A Dream and a Promise Can Do Wonders!