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​The Highway to Success

6/6/2023

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PictureJagranjosh.com
Success is defined in many ways.

Let’s say success is helping society in a way that also provides happiness and fulfillment to the individual.  You may have your own view of success, but let’s go with this one.

But let’s talk not of your success, but how you may help your children reach success. What better way is there to help society through your children! But what makes a kid a successful adult? Some words that come to mind are focus, goals, passion, persistence, desire, and guidance. Some kids are lucky to be born with some or most of these qualities, but all kids need, or could be helped with, mentoring.

Parents can and should provide experiences to their kids in all the activities they have time and money for. This did not happen for me, therefore, I was on my own. Most little boys love airplanes and that’s where I turned for inspiration. That pulled me through to my success, but it was more difficult without other skills, skills that require repetition, encouragement, and simply introduction.

When you watch your kid’s involvement in any activity, you can generally tell if their interest and talent is there. But don’t give up too soon. Well-rounded experiences are good for a well-rounded person. To reach greater heights of success in any endeavor, however, one must attempt to be the hardest working person in that endeavor. When the effort isn’t there, recognize it in time and consider finding another interest/activity to invest in.

Anyone not attempting to be the hardest working person in an activity is either not interested in it or not motivated to be the best. That is a difficult issue to deal with and requires honest evaluation. What if your child has no interest in anything? It could be any number of reasons. Certainly, the mental or physical health of your child could be a factor and should be investigated. Or perhaps, they have yet to find a passion. If a child is so focused on one activity that they ignore everything else, then allow it only if there is a future in it. Usually, there is not. If this is a negative activity, one that is more destructive than helpful, you may have to step in. Addiction to video games, only hanging out with friends, or constant screen time could be negative, while drug use would certainly be obstacles to success. Laziness could also be an issue. It may take medication, counselling, or parental dynamite to solve, if possible. But something needs to be done or real success may never come, or come very late.

Watch closely! How hard are your children working? How much do they care? Your interests may not be their interests, not that you can’t introduce them. Just because they can’t do one thing well, doesn’t mean they don’t have other talents. A butter knife doesn’t work well as a screwdriver or pencil sharpener, but it spreads peanut butter nicely. Kids are like that too. Place them in an environment and situation in which they can not only build confidence but succeed!
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Our kids can’t be expected to travel to places we choose for them. No, our job is to teach them the rules of the road, helping them to get there safely, quickly, smoothly and with integrity.

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​Being an Example (re: “Titus CH 2”)

8/5/2022

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Parents much be good examples and teach proper conduct to their children. Fathers and mothers must follow through on their obligations and be sensible in their decisions or the wrong examples will be followed.

Urge young people to be self-controlled, because being quick to anger or quick to love can devastate their futures. Do good things for others with integrity, dignity, and careful language to avoid conflict and to show the way to a good and fruitful life.

As parents and children respect each other in their duties and obligations, as must employers and employees. An honest day’s labor must follow an honest day’s pay with respectful consideration for one another’s complaints.

We have been given the gift of life and the means to do good things. Whether you do this for God, yourself, or your offspring, it will benefit all around us and those who follow in our footsteps.

 
                                                                      *  *  *

What I wrote above was inspired by the Bible’s Titus Chapter 2. As a newcomer to the Bible for reasons I won’t get into here, these are my main takeaways from those verses. I respect the Bible’s teachings too much to be secular, yet I still have much to learn.

In my modest version of Titus CH 2, I have taken out references to slavery and the subjugation of wives to their husbands (areas of controversy) to concentrate on the importance of being an example of good deeds and teachings.


It is clear in my mind, as is obvious in my previous posts in my “Helping Fathers to be Dads” blog, that strong families with a strong ethical base are the cure for a crumbling society. Young people follow whoever shows the most interest in them. Hopefully, those would be parents. But sometimes the parents themselves are leading young men and women down the wrong path. That fact can lead to multiple generations of broken or struggling families.
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It takes someone who is in the predicament of being uninspired by those they love to become inspired by seeking help through their own volition. That help could be from reading, listening, the support of trusted mentors, or the church. When that happens, the ‘cycle of despair’ for that family branch is broken. Sometimes, a parent of their child will find a passage like Titus Ch 2 and get the inspiration they need. For some, it takes the secularization an important Bible lesson to reach those who do not follow it. For this reason, I wrote “Being an Example”.

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The Perils of Parenting

7/11/2022

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ou know what kids want, besides sympathy, sweets, and getting their way? They want to be loved, understood, and protected. They also want someone to help them when they need it and to watch their backs. Who better to do that than Mom and Dad?

What else do kids want? They want answers but may not ask. They want discipline but won’t admit it. They want consistency, but may not know it. They want attention, but on their terms. Surprisingly, perhaps, they don’t expect you to be perfect, but they do want you to be fair. It’s left up to parents to connect the dots, knowing when to give their kids what they want but may not realize.

Discipline is the tough responsibility for most parents. Characteristically, discipline is accompanied by anger, uncertainty, tentativeness, and a desire to look past the infraction and often followed by remorse, guilt, and reflection. When my oldest daughter was a young teen, I became upset with her for reasons I don’t recall. But I became angry at her defiance at the time. It was stealthy defiance, the kind where kids give you the “how dare you” look. My rising anger involved yelling and threatening looks. As I recall, I acted more threatening than I would ever be in reality. Regretfully, I was resorting to fear as my weapon. My official stance is to never parent through fear, but we know that isn’t always easy.

When a child gives you a smirk, or laughs at your reprimands, or ignores your directions, it is a show of disrespect. That disrespect is a challenge to you. It’s a test of where the limits are and a power-play you cannot lose. But how do you go about not losing? How do you keep your cool? If I had a pat answer to that, I would have a parenting show on the Oprah Winfrey Network. What I do know is you must have a response that is swift and strong - but without anger. But who am I kidding? How can you not have anger occasionally?

When I say your response should be without genuine anger, I mean being out of control. Showing controlled anger helps to get your point across, IMHO. Without having any specific recommendation as to how to handle a challenge by your child, I do recommend that you be thinking at that moment, “Am I in control?” While fear is not a gold star tool of parenting, you must demand respect from your children. Fortunately, you can get that respect by your fairness and consistency throughout your parenting. It will do you well in most circumstances. But we don’t live under a permanent rainbow, nor do we ride unicorns on cotton candy clouds. Challenge is in children’s nature. It’s how they learn.

When kids refrain from doing something, of which you would not approve, hopefully, their decision is based on fear of losing your respect and not out of fear of reprisal. But fear is a very close cousin to respect, and we can’t deny that. For instance, I admire 99% of police for what they do and the dangers they face. But I also have a bit of fear when one knocks at my door or pulls me over in traffic. Police carry weapons - there is both fear and respect in that. In a way, you are the law enforcers in your home, and kids react in different ways to your authority. Some will respect your earned authority (you’re a good cop) and others will not (evoking the bad cop).
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I still think about that time some thirty years ago when I frightened my daughter over her perceived disrespect for me. I may have overreacted (although I think she overreacted also). I regret that incident, but while I was angry and showed it, I knew what I was doing at the time. I was not out of control. I may not react the same way today, but my daughter did know one thing after that incident - I loved her, and I was being her dad.

Summary

There are no pat answers to parenting. However, always think through what you are doing. Never lose control. Mistakes will be made, and be comforted that you are not alone in making them. Perfection will not be the reason your kids love you. But there is something that will make them love (or hate) you, and that is their perception of you. If your children:
  • perceive you are loving and protecting them,
  • that you have their backs,
  • that disciplining is just part of your molding them to be better people, and
  • you are predictable and consistent,
then you will be loved as much as any child can love a parent – despite your occasional mistakes.

Your child’s perception of you is more important than your attempted perfection as a parent!

Originally posted July 2019

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​Things You Rarely Hear

11/22/2021

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In these "things you rarely hear", there is some humor (hopefully), but they also have "things to think about.". Here are a few lines I assume you are not likely to hear very often - although quite a few people live within these circumstances.

It’s all about wisdom, listening, learning, and choices folks.

                                     *  *  *
  1. Hey, if your friends are doing it, it must be okay.
  2. I’ve learned so much in my safe place!
  3. ​I wish I had a good reason to be on Dr. Phil’s show.
  4. If only I had quit school earlier.
  5. Getting my girlfriend pregnant opened so many doors.
  6. I learned a lot about life watching the Kardashians.
  7. My parents made me too independent.
  8. ​Being a teen parent is so much better than hanging out with friends.
  9. I never knew 'one night stands' could be so fulfilling.
  10. No dear, you hold the remote.
  11. Personal hygiene is so overrated.
  12. I just LOVE living with my parents.
  13. Yes, I find Birkenstocks very sexy!
  14. I found my best friends through sexting.
  15. My kids never liked being read to.
  16. Heroin made my life so much easier.
  17. If I had it to do over again, I would.
  18. Those nicotine stains give you character. 
  19. I do love rhubarb.
  20. Knowing my kids’ friends never was a good idea.
  21. Hey, did you enjoy your overdose as much as I enjoyed mine?
  22. What an awesome shopping cart! Where did you find it?
  23. My dad knows so much more than me.
  24. My kids think I’m too easy on them.
  25. I wish there weren’t so many parks!
  26. My wife hates jewelry.
  27. I try not be consistent. It's too predictable.
  28. Where can I buy that T-shirt? It’s so clever!
  29. My kids love finding those little needles on the sidewalk.
  30. That book, The Power of Dadhood, was terrible! *
 
Michael Byron Smith, Helping Fathers to be Dads Blog
* I'm crossing my fingers on this last one!
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​A Beautiful Way to Parent

11/1/2021

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​


​“Beauty is only skin deep.”
That’s what they say, and it’s true. 
Substance is what’s most important, 
But one should give beauty its due.

​mbs



If you make breakfast for your kids, you're being a parent. If you make pancakes with strawberry eyes and a whipped cream smile, that's beautiful parenting. It's that little extra effort that stands out. 

To me, beauty is the truest sign of caring! The beauty I'm referring to can be visual, of course, but it can also be an act, a thought, or an introduction of soul into a lifeless situation.

I’ve been fortunate enough to have visited Europe a few times. What really stuns me about that part of the world is the splendor of its architecture. There seems to be an appreciation for beauty there that is lacking in many US cities and towns. Cinder blocks can do an excellent job if all one needs is a reliable, safe structure, but it gives nothing to the soul. Any church, mosque, or synagogue will serve its congregation. But those structures that are magnificent bring a depth of meaning to worshipers that a converted strip-mall, storefront ‘house of worship’ cannot.

I visit coffee shops and see people come and go. I can’t judge them or know what they may have accomplished. I do notice, however, how they dress and carry themselves. I particularly appreciate a senior man or woman who takes pride in their appearance. It tells me something positive about them.
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When watching homes being rehabbed on TV, I notice the rehabbers check the structure, heating, and cooling, etc. to be sure the house is safe and sound. The house is worthless if not safe and livable. But the house will go unsold until a designer makes it visually and emotionally appealing.

Art may serve to convey a message or capture a scene, but without beauty, or an attention-getting setting, any message will be lost , any scene unnoticed. Art serves beauty, and beauty serves art.

A rainbow has no substance outside of water molecules -- but rainbows are noticed! We can’t touch or use a rainbow; yet we watch them, sing and write about them, and see them as symbols of goodness.

The beauty of nature captures us all! The duty of a flower is simply to be pleasing to the eye. There is beauty in a desert, a wheat field, a canyon, or a mountain. But the more beautiful the scene, the more people search for and write about it.

There can be beauty in the spoken or written word. A speaker or author without this talent will go unnoticed.  “I walk in the park,” gets across an action. But, “I often go to the park to watch people, to smell the grass, and throw rocks in the pond,” is deeper. The first sentence is the substance, but the second sentence places beauty within the substance.

I like to notice things. When the day is over, and beauty was a part of it, I am a much happier, richer person. So I say, “YES”! Beauty is only skin deep, but beauty is the icing on the cake, the sun shining through the flag, the glimmer of the lake, the smile on a child’s face, and the spice of my life.

So why do I talk about beauty?

This may not seem like a discussion about parenting and fatherhood. But it remains a lesson for this reason. There are practical and necessary responsibilities of parents that are basic and vitally important. However, to be a successful family you must bring beauty into your home! It is essential to show both substance and splendor as a parent. You should avoid being a 'rainbow mother' -- beauty with no substance. Nor should you be a 'cinder-block father' – protective, practical, and stoic. Instead, be that ‘work of art’ parent with a substantial and beautiful message to share. Or be a solidly built home with character and appeal making it a pleasant place to be. Write or speak words to your kids that excite them, challenge them, and encourage them. Mix those beautiful messages in with those soul-less messages such as, “Do your homework,” or “Clean up your room.”  Balance!

Summary

Balance is a key maxim in parenting. As an example, a dad can be stern and maintain the love of his children if he has also revealed the beauty of his character. Being cheerful and fun is the beautiful side of parenting. Every facet of parenting has a responsible, substantive aspect that can be more effective with some beauty mixed in. We’ve seen and read too many stories where a father is at odds with his child, a child that he loves dearly. This occurs when there is no balance to the substantive parenting the father sees as his duty, resulting in a weak connection between the two. Without some beauty and love expressed in a family, the necessary and less enjoyable responsibilities of parenting will be much more difficult.

#powerofdadhood

 Read, The Power of Dadhood, by Michael Byron Smith

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​A Dad is a Many-Splendored Thing

9/13/2021

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PicturePhoto by author
What do you get with a father? That is a question not easily answered because all fathers are different, and becoming one requires no skill. I think I can better tell you what you get with a Dad! Dads are those fathers that do things for and with their family.   

From my book, “The Power of Dadhood”

“What It Takes To be a real Dad
 
A Dad does not need to be handsome, strong, athletic, macho, rich, eloquent, college educated, or even married to the child’s mother, as is often the situation. Although many men want to be these things, such characteristics don’t make a man a Man or a father a Dad.
A Dad does need to be loving, available, caring, interested, and involved, as well as a nurturing teacher, disciplinarian, coach, cheerleader, and so much more.”

Look at the list below. If your father is, or does, just five of these things, then he qualifies as a Dad! But I bet most fathers are, or do, many more than five!

My Dad is my:
 
Security guard
Coach
Mentor
Caretaker 
Taxi Driver
Someone to play catch with
Bad joke teller
Superhero
Keeper of my secrets
Fixer of things
Disciplinarian 
Storyteller
Listener
Example
Helper
Adventure guide
Lover of children’s art
Photographer
Provider 
Counselor 
Challenger
Partner to my Mom
 
And your greatest fan!
 
Fathers, looking at the list above how would your children rate you as a Dad? How would you rate yourself? It’s a simple check to help you reflect on your parenting. We don't want to just get by, we want to excel. Engagement comes before skill.  



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Lessons from 'The Cat's in the Cradle'

1/18/2021

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PictureHarry Chapin, stock photo
The following was a Facebook post submitted by a friend of mine just last week. He was born in Taipei, Taiwan in 1948, came to the USA in 1971 after finishing college and serving one year military duty.  He and his wife moved to Shanghai permanently in year 2000 after 30 years in the US, retiring to Taiwan in 2016. A very successful engineering entrepreneur, his highest honor is raising his two sons and daughter, all very successful. He now has 5 grandchildren and even with an ocean between them, they remain very close!

​His post struck me, so I asked permission to share it on my blog, 'Helping Fathers to be Dads'... because his post was perfectly about that topic!

Thank you James Yeh! An awesome Dad!


January 13th, 2021
​James Yeh

N
ever heard of this song (released in 1974) until much later introduced by a good friend. Never understood the connection between the song title and its lyrics. And Chapin even said “Frankly, this song scared me to death.”

We started going to our children’s home games when they played soccer, basketball, then baseball and football, plus concerts and recitals. Soon we went to all their away games too, and I volunteered to be their team videographer.
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When our children graduated from college, got married and moved away, we stayed in touch thanks to all the social media. When we were in China and Taiwan, they always found time to visit us, and came back to join us in celebrating grandparents’ big birthdays and attending funeral services.

Spend time with your children when they were young, and they will spend time with you when you get old! (Emphasis added). There’s so much truth to this song, and it’s not scary at all.


The Cat's in the Cradle​
Harry Chapin

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away

And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, dad, you know I'm gonna be like you"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon

When you coming home dad, I don't know when
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said "Thanks for the ball dad, come on let's play, can you teach me to throw?"
I said "Not today, I got a lot to do", he said "That's okay"

And he, he walked away but his smile never dimmed and said
"I'm gonna be like him, yeah, you know I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you coming home, dad, I don't know when
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

Well he came from college just the other day
So much like a man, I just had to say
"Son I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head, and he said with a smile

"What I'd really like dad, is to borrow the car keys"
"See you later, can I have them please?"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon

When you coming home, son, I don't know when
But we'll get together then, dad
You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time"

"You see, my new job's a hassle and the kid's got the flu"
"But it's sure nice talking to you, dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you coming home, son, I don't know when
But we'll get together then, dad
We're gonna have a good time then

​Songwriters: S. Chapin, H. Chapin

Please check out my book, "The Power of Dadhood"
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The Most Wonderful Parent - Child Activity!

11/2/2020

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PicturePermission received from photographer
Dads, there is an activity that can make up for all the times you may have to work or travel for business. This activity certainly applies to busy and working mothers also. It combines caring, connection, attention, education, and entertainment all in one. What is this magical activity?

Reading to your young children!

If you don’t read to your children now, start today! If you do read to your children, read more. It can never be overdone, and you can never start too early. Educationally, reading aloud to kids allows them to relate words to scenes, creates wonder and imagination, and a strong desire to learn to read independently. Study after study finds much greater brain activation in those children whose parents read aloud to them. Early reading to your young children also helps them learn to speak, interact, and bond with you.

 Liza Baker, the executive editorial director at Scholastic, says:

“It’s so important to start reading from Day One,” she says. “The sound of your voice, the lyrical quality of the younger [books] are poetic … It’s magical, even at 8 weeks old they focus momentarily, they’re closer to your heart.” As they begin to grow, families should make sure books are available everywhere in the home, like it’s your “daily bread.” (Amen.) But it shouldn’t end when kids begin to read on their own. “As they become independent readers, we tend to let them go, but even kids in older demographics love nothing more than that time with their parents,” Baker says. “We’re blown away that kids time and again said the most special time they recall spending with a parent is reading together.”

Choose books that will keep their attention and maybe make them laugh. Let them choose their books when they can. There are tons of books for kids at the library. My daughters came home with cloth bags full of books to read to their babies, then toddlers. The result is four kids who LOVE to read! Two of my grandchildren are three grades or more above their level in reading comprehension. I expect similar results for the other two.

Due to unfortunate circumstances, I wasn’t read to as a child, nor did I read a complete book on my own until I read “Johnny Tremain” in seventh grade. While that book opened my eyes to the education and entertainment of reading, I remained a very infrequent reader because the habit had not been ingrained in me. I recall being very bored as a child with a thimble full of curiosity, compared to my voracious curiosity today, and not reading impacted my confidence level. I was catching up with classmates for the first four years in school. It wasn’t until high school that I began to excel. Not being read to did not ruin my life, but I would have been more sure of myself and possibly more successful having had that opportunity.
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There is no doubt that everyone benefits from reading to your children! You become a better parent with closer connections to your enlightened child. Studies have shown that some children have heard millions of more words than others by the time they start reading. I would want my child to have the advantage of hearing more stories earlier, more often, with more time with their loving parents. What a great way to prepare your kids for life!

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Notes and Quotes for Dads

10/12/2020

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My father was not a good father. I learned much about fathering by watching him and, when I became a dad myself, I tried to do every fatherly act he didn't do.

​I still loved him and longed for his attention as a boy. Knowing the magnitude and impact of the loss of fatherly advice, guidance, and simple attention, I wrote notes and observations on fatherhood for my extended family. These observations became a book, "The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs."


I want to pull some lines from my book, giving you an idea of my passion for the importance of involved fathering. I'd then like to share some quotes on fathering from other authors, famous people, and great minds as further encouragement, hoping they will give depth and meaning you the most important role a man can have.


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                                                                               *   *   *
From: "The Power of Dadhood"

On a father's mission and attention:


"No man is a failure who has helped a child, especially his own. The greatest single gift a man can give his children is his attention. It seems so simple, but somehow it is lost in its simplicity. There is no excuse for not trying your best to be a good father. There are reasons, obstacles, and hardships, but no excuses."

On Helping Fathers to be Dads:

"While some men thrive naturally as fathers, there are too many who don't, and the results can be disastrous. We must not judge these men because we don't know what they've been through, how they were raised, or how they see things as a unique personality. But they could use a mentor, especially if their father was not there for them."

Learning from other dads:

"I learned so much from my father. I learned from him that I needed to get an education. I learned that people would judge me by my actions and react to me according to my attitude. I learned the importance of reliability and trust. These things I learned from him because he demonstrated how difficult life can be without them."

Impact on Society:

"Almost all of society's ills can be traced to people whose family lives were in turmoil. Often the turmoil started with an absent or uncaring father."

The Truth:

"You are the only true father your children will ever have, but you are not alone. Your children are waiting for you. Their mother is longing for your help. Society is cheering for your success. Fathers who are true Dads are always ready to talk to you."
 
Fatherhood quotes from authors, leaders, and great minds:
 
"But there's no substitute for a full-time dad. Dads who are fully engaged with their kids overwhelmingly tend to produce children who believe in themselves and live full lives." Tony Dungy
 
"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." Sigmund Freud
 
"As an educator, I've seen the positive influence that fathers have on their children." Nicoline Ambe, Being Dad
 
"My dad encouraged us to fail. Growing up, he would ask us what we failed at that week. If we didn't have something, he would be disappointed. It changed my mindset at an early age that failure is not the outcome, failure is not trying. Don't be afraid to fail." Sara Blakely
 
"When I was a kid, I used to imagine animals running under my bed. I told my dad, and he solved the problem quickly. He cut the legs off the bed." Lou Brock
 
"Being a father is about adaptation and about making the most of the opportunities that are given to you." Colin Adams, Parenting for New Dads
 
"A daughter needs a dad to be the standard against which she will judge all men." Gregory E. Lang
 
"Being a father is the most rewarding thing a man whose career has plateaued can do." Aristotle
 
"Being a father has been, without a doubt, my greatest source of achievement, pride and inspiration. Fatherhood has taught me about unconditional love, reinforced the importance of giving back and taught me how to be a better person." Naveen Jain
 
"Listen, there is no way any true man is going to let children live around him in his home and not discipline and teach, fight and mold them until they know all he knows. His goal is to make them better than he is. Being their friend is a distant second to this." Victor Devlin
 
"It is a wise father that know his own child." William Shakespeare
 
 "The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent." Frank Pittman
 
"Being a father means you have to think fast on your feet. You must be judicious, wise, brave, tender, and willing to put on a frilly hat and sit down to a pretend tea party." Matthew Buckley, Fatherhood: The Manliest Profession
 
"...that the most precious things a father can provide are time, attention, and love." Tim Russert, Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons
 
"Fatherly love is the act of giving your life for the sake of someone else's needs." Nate Dallas, Hacking Fatherhood: Preparing For Success in the Biggest Role of Your Life
 
"No amount of money can be paid for the relationship between a father and his sons and a father and his daughters." Willie Williams, 7 Steps to Parenting Power
 
"My father taught me that the only way you can make good at anything is to practice, and then practice some more." Pete Rose
 
"Studies show that when a baby, child, or teenager has a good father, that child will soar." Meg Meeker, MD
 
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." Mark Twain
 
"One of the greatest needs of this age is for responsible and committed fathers." Bishop Charles Edward Blake Sr.
 
Summary

Thank you for your interest in fatherhood, or 'Dadhood' as I like to call fatherhood with involvement, mentoring, nurturing, and demonstrating love.
​
Dadhood = fatherhood + nurturing + demonstrated love
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Happiness is Not a Realistic Goal

9/7/2020

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Photo by the author.
“Happiness is a wonderful symptom but a terrible goal”
~ Mike Rowe

Do you know what dads are perfect for - talking to their kids. This simple act shows that you care, allows each of you to know each other better, and is a way to impart wisdom, i.e., discussing things that can help them now and in the future. One subject not on top of most young peoples’ minds is long term goals. Following is a topic that can make your children think. The issue is happiness, and how do they achieve it? Or more importantly, what does being happy mean to them?

We all want happiness for ourselves and our loved ones, but should it be something to strive for, our goal? We hope for it, and we do things for ourselves and others, thinking it will bring happiness. Sometimes we are successful in this pursuit, but more often, happiness is a byproduct of something else. But what?

It’s pretty simple, really, but it’s difficult for some to grasp, especially those that have not yet fully matured.
  1. That something involves delaying gratification, and who wants to do that?
  2. It also involves a higher purpose than your happiness, but is there a higher purpose?
  3. And it takes some effort. Ugh!

That ‘something else’ that so often has happiness as a byproduct is ‘accomplishment!’ Accomplishment is the achievement of a purpose or goal. It involves effort and a result worthy of that effort. It could be improving yourself, helping someone or a cause, or creating, giving, comforting, mentoring, improving, or just caring. That’s meaningful - a meaningful life is a value-added life. It requires hard work, determination, and a plan.

A happy life is not going to happen without meaningful contributions. That’s where delay in gratification is so significant. When you spend each moment and dollar towards pleasure at that moment, you are self-centered. Think of two hungry men on the streets. A man comes up and tells them that one can have his lunch, but he only has enough for one. However, the man offers the second person a job learning how to do landscaping, allowing him to make money to buy food, not just for today, but every day (the fish or fisherman story).

No doubt, the one who chooses the lunch will be happier sooner because the hunger has passed. But it will return. The one who learns to landscape suffers through a day of hard work and continued hunger. But at the end of the day, his hunger is also satisfied. When hunger strikes again, he will not have to depend on anyone. He may even buy lunch for his lazier friend, who again will be dependent. Is one happier than the other? I have my thoughts, but who knows for sure. I do know that ‘happiness is ephemeral while accomplishment is forever.’

You may think, “well, some accomplished people are not happy,” and you would be correct. Not being happy could be caused by clinical depression or other issues beyond their control. It’s never their accomplishments that cause their unhappiness. In fact, accomplishments are endorphins that fight against the sadness that may come into our lives.

Some people search for happiness through avoidance. They are avoiding responsibility, work, education, exertion, communication, or even confrontation. They are relieved in their avoidance, confusing it for some joy. If happy but lazy people exist, they are dull and of little use to society. Their moments of happiness are dependent on their habits - drinking, smoking, constant TV or video games, or other usually egocentric acts - and dependence on others. Satisfaction comes not from narcissism, but altruism. Your happiness today may rob you of happiness in the future.

But there are no rewards for lazy people because they avoid all risks. There are no contrasts that make like interesting. No challenges to overcome. No warmth after being cold. No adrenalin. No feelings of relief after a particular fear is conquered. We learn so little by having no conflict. Rest is boring if you’ve nothing to rest for - or no goal for which to strive. On the other hand, rest is blissful after a meaningful activity. It is a chance to reenergize those with goals in mind. Result-oriented living is always chasing new challenges. It is life too busy to be unhappy.

However, a particular accomplishment is not always the path to happiness. It’s more like a continuum of accomplishments – keeping busy, doing good things for yourself and others, being resourceful, and involved - that brings enjoyment. If nothing else, you will be too preoccupied to think of poor little you. You know you are happy when you admire the accomplishments of others and don’t envy them, which happens when you have achieved much yourself and realize what others achieve helps us all.

The conundrum for many is, to go to a better place from where you are, you must first go through discomfort, stress, and sometimes pain. Kids, and even adults, need to know it is worth it and not to let fear or ignorance get in the way. They will like how they feel on the other side.

A conversation like this may be lost the first time through. But if you live it, repeat it, have numerous examples of this philosophy working for others, then you are on your way to forming strong values in your children. Maybe you will even remind yourself of things you may not have thought about in a while. The Power of Dadhood is mighty indeed, for good or bad.



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