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ou know what kids want, besides sympathy, sweets, and getting their way? They want to be loved, understood, and protected. They also want someone to help them when they need it and to watch their backs. Who better to do that than Mom and Dad?

What else do kids want? They want answers but may not ask. They want discipline but won’t admit it. They want consistency, but may not know it. They want attention, but on their terms. Surprisingly, perhaps, they don’t expect you to be perfect, but they do want you to be fair. It’s left up to parents to connect the dots, knowing when to give their kids what they want but may not realize.

Discipline is the tough responsibility for most parents. Characteristically, discipline is accompanied by anger, uncertainty, tentativeness, and a desire to look past the infraction and often followed by remorse, guilt, and reflection. When my oldest daughter was a young teen, I became upset with her for reasons I don’t recall. But I became angry at her defiance at the time. It was stealthy defiance, the kind where kids give you the “how dare you” look. My rising anger involved yelling and threatening looks. As I recall, I acted more threatening than I would ever be in reality. Regretfully, I was resorting to fear as my weapon. My official stance is to never parent through fear, but we know that isn’t always easy.

When a child gives you a smirk, or laughs at your reprimands, or ignores your directions, it is a show of disrespect. That disrespect is a challenge to you. It’s a test of where the limits are and a power-play you cannot lose. But how do you go about not losing? How do you keep your cool? If I had a pat answer to that, I would have a parenting show on the Oprah Winfrey Network. What I do know is you must have a response that is swift and strong - but without anger. But who am I kidding? How can you not have anger occasionally?

When I say your response should be without genuine anger, I mean being out of control. Showing controlled anger helps to get your point across, IMHO. Without having any specific recommendation as to how to handle a challenge by your child, I do recommend that you be thinking at that moment, “Am I in control?” While fear is not a gold star tool of parenting, you must demand respect from your children. Fortunately, you can get that respect by your fairness and consistency throughout your parenting. It will do you well in most circumstances. But we don’t live under a permanent rainbow, nor do we ride unicorns on cotton candy clouds. Challenge is in children’s nature. It’s how they learn.

When kids refrain from doing something, of which you would not approve, hopefully, their decision is based on fear of losing your respect and not out of fear of reprisal. But fear is a very close cousin to respect, and we can’t deny that. For instance, I admire 99% of police for what they do and the dangers they face. But I also have a bit of fear when one knocks at my door or pulls me over in traffic. Police carry weapons - there is both fear and respect in that. In a way, you are the law enforcers in your home, and kids react in different ways to your authority. Some will respect your earned authority (you’re a good cop) and others will not (evoking the bad cop).
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I still think about that time some thirty years ago when I frightened my daughter over her perceived disrespect for me. I may have overreacted (although I think she overreacted also). I regret that incident, but while I was angry and showed it, I knew what I was doing at the time. I was not out of control. I may not react the same way today, but my daughter did know one thing after that incident - I loved her, and I was being her dad.

Summary

There are no pat answers to parenting. However, always think through what you are doing. Never lose control. Mistakes will be made, and be comforted that you are not alone in making them. Perfection will not be the reason your kids love you. But there is something that will make them love (or hate) you, and that is their perception of you. If your children:

• perceive you are loving and protecting them,
• that you have their backs,
• that disciplining is just part of your molding them to be better people, and
• you are predictable and consistent,

then you will be loved as much as any child can love a parent – despite your occasional mistakes.

Your child’s perception of you is more important than your attempted perfection as a parent!

Originally posted July 2019
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Nine Simple Yet Difficult Rules for Parenting

1. Be your child’s biggest advocate.
2. Find balance in your parenting.
3. Be involved with your children’s lives, but not too involved. (see #2)
4. Be a fun parent when appropriate. Be stern, when necessary. (see #2)
5. Be loving and show it—but have strict boundaries for behavior. (see #2)
6. Be consistent with rules and consequences, but don’t be totally inflexible. (see #2)
7. Never argue with your spouse in front of your children, nor use them as tools.
8. Treat all your children fairly, but you can’t treat them all the same. They’re individuals.
9. Remember that your child trusts what they see in you more than what you say.

An important consideration

Every child benefits by having two parents/guardians. Every measure and statistic support this statement. Often single parents, mostly mothers, are offended by this comment when they need not be. Most single parents are heroic in doing the job of two. Often, being a single parent is not a choice, yet children need the love and perspective of both a male and a female. Seek the help of a friend or relative to fill that void if it exists. (see #2)

My mother was married but raised six children alone. And while no family can follow these rules perfectly, it was impossible for my mother. She did her best without the help of my father. We all had to deal with the consequences of that situation; and there were many.
 
Michael Byron Smith
Author of “The Power of Dadhood” and the “Helping Fathers to be Dad’s” Blog (MichaelByronSmith.com)

It’s always good to learn things from those with experience. And very wise to listen to them. However, the life lessons best remembered are those learned firsthand.
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Let’s say your kid comes to you with a problem. It could be his sister is bothering him to no end. Or your daughter’s best friend is not talking to her. Maybe homework and dance class are competing for attention. Whatever it is, we often tell them what we think or tell them straight out what to do. Sometimes, we do this through expediency or lack of patience. It happens all the time. But what are we doing? It could be we are allowing our children to be lazy, dependent, or unable to problem solve.

When an issue is not too serious, you can trust them to do what they, themselves, think is right.

In raising kids, there are levels of interplay between you and them.

• ‘Being there’ for them is a fundamental base level of care. You may not interact with them much at that level, but you are an adult example who protects and feeds them - although there are, unfortunately, parents that even fail at that level.
• The next level is being loving and showing that you care for your child. Knowing they are loved does so much for their confidence and psyche, allowing them to be happier and content. While showing love and care is crucial, you can do so much more to prepare them for their life ahead.
• The highest level I hope all parents aspire to is to be present, loving, and nurturing. Nurturing consists of encouraging, observing, correcting, and teaching - all while reminding them of your love. What kid wouldn’t thrive to the best of their abilities with this kind of upbringing?

When a nurturing parent tells a child to ‘do what’s right,’ that parent is not making it easier for either their child or themselves. Shifting responsibility to your child is high-level nurturing! Making your child think and decide while being observed by a loving parent is the best learning there can be. Indeed, there will be times when they choose incorrectly! That’s where your nurturing will help them to understand situations and decision-making.

The parent has to encourage them to be responsible, observe the child’s action, correct their action if necessary, and teach them with feedback. “You handled that very well,” or “Next time, try this.”

Example:

“Dad, my friends are going to a concert Sunday evening, and I want to go,” asked your 17-year-old daughter. 

“But you have your college placement test on Monday morning,” Dad responds.

“I know, but I really want to go,” she pleads.

“Just do what’s right!” says Dad.

The ball is in her court, for now. She has to consider what she wants versus what is best overall. An okay from Dad would have taken the pressure off his daughter. A ‘no’ may have caused unnecessary friction. Now the daughter has to decide, and problem solve. Can she put aside everything for now and prepare for the test? Will she get home early enough to get a good night’s sleep? As a parent, you observe. Did you see her studying long hours during the weekend? Did she tell you when the concert ends, and will she be home early enough to get a goodnight’s sleep? If so, she is doing the right thing even if she goes to the concert. And she did it maturely on her own!

Now, what if she wastes time all weekend, or you find out the concert ends at midnight, but she decides to go anyway? Then you intercede and say no, and tell her why. One of the reasons you would intervene this time and not others is the importance of the decision. But the good news is this. If you are the kind of parent that operates this way, you already know how your child will react after seventeen years. They already know how to think and make decisions for themselves. You have been there for her. You have shown love and care. And on top of all that, you have been a nurturer!

When given the responsibility for their own actions, a child that continually makes unwise choices may be a disappointment, but at least you know you have work to do. This knowledge will allow a parent to take action to correct the behavior. A child that makes primarily good choices will learn how to handle life on their own. They will not be dependent on their parents to solve their problems. Either outcome is positive because you will know your child much better, and they will thrive after learning to solve their issues correctly.
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Tell them, “do what’s right” – observe – correct if necessary – repeat!
 
#powerofdadhood

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​You can read more helpful articles on parenthood at Michael Byron Smith's Helping Fathers to Be Dads blog.
 
Helping your kids stay engaged and learning at home has always been important. But after the kind of year we all had, it’s never been so essential. Whether your children are participating in remote learning, attending school in-person full-time, or doing a hybrid of the two, it’s safe to say that things are different since the pandemic rolled into the picture. To help harried parents everywhere, Michael Byron Smith offers the following ideas on how you can keep your kids entertained and educated through indoor activities at home:
 
Turn to art.
 
One of the most fun and engaging ways for children to spend time is through art! Whether it’s crafting, painting, sewing, drawing or working with clay, give your children the opportunity to explore their creativity. You can even sign them up for online art classes so they can get some extra instruction or inspiration.
 
Decorate your home.
 
Decorating may not sound like the most fun thing for your children. But it’s a great way for them to strengthen their organizational skills. And if you involve them in the process of picking out decorations, they might find that it’s a great way to use their creativity. Whether it’s Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, or general seasonal decorations, get with your kids to come up with a plan, and head online to find whatever you need. Then, set aside time on the weekend to put on some music and transform your home!
 
Make reading an hour a thing.
 
In an age when we are surrounded by technology, sometimes it can be refreshing to unplug and take time to read a book. Schedule reading time with your kids where everyone takes turns reading aloud. There’s no end to the different books out there for all ages, and reading is a fundamental activity for learning and development. If you want to add an incentive to reading, consider looking at reading tablets so they can have a wealth of books at hand.
 
Order some classic games.
 
Remember the classic games like Monopoly, Scrabble, Go Fish, and Uno? Board games and card games like these can provide hours of fun and education for your kids. For example, Monopoly (or Monopoly Junior) can teach your children math and money-management skills. Scrabble (or Scrabble Junior) can help your children develop a stronger vocabulary.
 
Moreover, card games like Go Fish and Uno are fun for teaching younger kids about numbers and patterns. You might have these games laying around the house, but if you don’t, you can order them from any number of online stores and have them shipped straight to your door.
 
Allow gaming.
 
Yes, that’s right—let your kids participate in online gaming. This doesn’t mean to allow unlimited screen time in your household. But in moderation, gaming can yield a variety of cognitive benefits for children, such as improved concentration, memory, coordination, and problem-solving skills. While gaming can provide your kids with a break from schoolwork and chores, certain games can even help them learn and strengthen their social skills. If you decide to let your children pick up online gaming, however, make sure you have an internet connection that’s up to the task.
 
Spend time building.
 
Building challenges are another great way for kids to learn while having fun. Legos come in a variety of forms, from standard sets to themed sets like Star Wars, Disney princesses, and Marvel. Some of the primary skills that can be sharpened through building challenges and free play include problem-solving, creativity, and fine motor skills. Furthermore, if you want to foster your kids’ patience, hand-eye coordination, and manual dexterity, set up a Jenga challenge.
 
If your family is spending more time in your home these days, it’s important to have some fun and educational activities that you and your children can engage in. Remember to try online gaming, decorate your home, and read books more often. Pull out the old board games and card games, and have your kids do a Lego and/or Jenga challenge from time to time. Just because your children’s school year looks a lot different than in years past doesn’t mean that they can’t keep learning in entertaining ways.

Appreciation to Lacie Martin of Raise Them Well for this article.
 

There are many anti-family forces in our society. Even the heavily supported (by many progressives and even many high tech companies) BLM organization does not support the nuclear family.

I’ll narrow in on an article in The Atlantic written by David Brooks. “The Nuclear Family Was a Mistake,” he wrote, “The family structure we’ve held up as the cultural ideal for the past half-century has been a catastrophe for many. It’s time to figure out better ways to live together.”

This article is long and well researched, but with conclusions that confuse me. I’ll mention a few.

First of all:

Per Brooks. “The shift from bigger and interconnected extended families to smaller and detached nuclear families ultimately led to a familial system that liberates the rich and ravages the working-class and the poor.”
The assumption is that you don’t have to lean on the extended family as much if you are successful, and you won’t connect. While this may be true, he suggests it ties people through need, not love. Furthermore, the extended families of poor people are usually poor themselves, without the means to help. I find my extended family wants my involvement. All I have to do is show love and interest.

Brooks states, “Among the highly educated, family patterns are almost as stable as they were in the 1950s; among the less fortunate, family life is often utter chaos. There’s a reason for that divide: Affluent people have the resources to effectively buy extended family, in order to shore themselves up.”

DUH! The problem lies in the fact that coming from a chaotic family creates more chaotic families that continue to struggle. It requires a child of “less fortunate” families to take matters into their own hands to break free from the struggle. They often have to do it independently because their extended family will not be capable of helping or cheering them on - because they are chaotic. Is it difficult for a child from a poor, chaotic family to break free? No! It’s not difficult to do; it’s just difficult to realize when in that environment!

The Brookings Institute found that these three simple rules will help one avoid poverty:

1. Graduating from high school.
2. Waiting to get married until after 21 and do not have children till after being married.
3. Having a full-time job.

If you do all those three things, your chance of falling into poverty is just 2 percent. Meanwhile, you’ll have a 74 percent chance of being in the middle class, becoming one of the more affluent families. You will create a ‘breakaway from poverty family,’ and your children will have the advantages other affluent families enjoy, therefore helping to grow a more self-sufficient society. Brooks, to me, is a ‘chicken or the egg’ argument. What comes first, affluence, then success, or success, then affluence? Wealth can bring success with its advantages. But success from good ideas like the three steps above can bring wealth. Being highly educated is undoubtedly advantageous for success, but not being stupid (or remaining ignorant) is an even more significant advantage.

Secondly:

Nuclear families are successful, “so long as women are relegated to the household.”
I live next to a large neighborhood where both of my daughters also reside. This neighborhood is full of nuclear families where both parents work while others choose to have one parent stay home with their younger children. I know many of these families through my daughters, and they seem to thrive. Yes, they are relatively but not significantly affluent, but these mothers are not relegated to the household. Of course, there are challenges. Women should not be ‘relegated’ to motherhood if that’s what you call it (I don’t). Neither should motherhood be belittled. Maybe the father stays home as many more do these days. Maybe neighbors and relatives help with the children, or one or both parents work part-time. Allowing your younger children to learn socialization skills in pre-school is also helpful, allowing parents time for other activities. Neither mom nor dad nor child can have everything they want at once.

Having a well-balanced family requires sacrifices, just like any other endeavor. Maybe your dreams of travel, writing a novel, or big promotions may have to wait. To do so means you have found that raising human beings as successful people is just as important and impressive as becoming CFO or ‘employee of the month,’ assuming you have that talent in the first place - because not everyone does. Are you crying about not being able to chase your dreams? Then don’t have children. If you already have them, be patient; they will only take up 20-30% of your life - and they deserve being a priority. Parents can work it out by balancing, not pouting.

Lastly:

“For many people, the era of the nuclear family has been a catastrophe. All forms of inequality are cruel, but family inequality may be the cruelest. It damages the heart.”

This statement may be true, but do we want to throw the baby out with the bathwater? Do we want to eliminate the nuclear family, so dysfunctional families don’t have to feel bad for themselves? We would love equal and fair outcomes for all, but life is not fair, not all people work as hard as others, and bad luck can come to any of us.

It was difficult and maybe cruel for my siblings and me to be raised in a dysfunctional family as we were. However, most of us now have functional families of our own—those who don’t are not blaming anyone outside of the family. Certainly, none of us blamed successful families for the deeds we performed, causing distress within our own family.

Summary:
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There are many more conclusions in the Brooks article with which I beg to differ. When it comes down to it, it depends on what lens you choose to view these issues that ultimately drive your conclusions. But beyond my thoughts and biases is common sense. While not possible for all, is not a nuclear family the best way for most children to thrive? The ‘best’ for ‘most’? Not the best for all, or the worst for some, but the ‘best for most’? I don’t consider that opinion. I consider it self-evident

​#powerofdadhood