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Reasons and Excuses

3/25/2019

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PictureA ceiling in the Alcazar in Seville, Spain
I think we all know the difference between an ‘excuse’ and a ‘reason’ even if difficult to convey. Here is my simpleton way of differentiating the two. You do things for a reason. You don’t do things to have an excuse. Not unless you are all messed up.

When you do something for a reason, you have a ‘cause for action’. For example, “I went to the store because we needed bread.” A simple act. The reason is the same before and after the act.  

All excuses, however, tend to be past tense even if perceived in advance.  “There’s no bread because I was hungry and I ate it all.” He ate the bread for a reason, he was hungry. Still a simple act, but eating it all was a selfish action knowing others wanted bread also. His reason to eat some bread was hunger, but to eat all the bread required an excuse of hunger because he had a choice not to eat it all. 

When the result of an action or non-action isn’t perceived the way you wanted it to be, due to your own selfish or non-thinking behavior, the act is not from a reason, but an excuse, because better alternatives existed. Reasons don’t typically need rationalization, excuses always do.

Now I understand this could be debated ad-nauseam, and I bring it up not to be definitive, but to cause reflection. There are reasons people do things, and often they don’t have positive results. That’s understandable! Honest failure exists and is a path to eventual success. When things go wrong due to your own selfish or non-thinking behavior, failure exists and is not a path to success. There are no reasons  to plan failure, just excuses (rationalizations) for doing so. 

Dysfunctional Families

This discussion leads me to the chaotic youth in which I was raised, never living more than three or four months in any home, born to a mostly absent and alcoholic father, a mother who had to work constantly in low wage jobs, and six siblings who suffered from a lack of guidance and support. The reason these things happened to me and my siblings were the decisions of our parents. There were no reasons for being poor and itinerant from the view of my parents, but there were plenty of excuses.

When brought up in circumstances similar to mine, children react in different ways. That could be seen in my own family. It wasn’t being poor that had a real impact on any of us. Being poor in America isn’t a death sentence; it’s not even all that inconvenient compared to the rest of the world. Anyone who has witnessed the suffering in parts of the Middle East or Central Africa would think our issues were trivial. Being shy and father-deprived is not an issue when you are starving, but it can become so after the basic nutrition problem is solved, even if the food wasn’t always healthy.

Poor should not be an excuse

If an American family can hang together with proper parental care while being poor, the children will be fine, maybe even better off than kids whose parents are rich but not caring or nurturing people. But you don’t see too many poor families with awesome parents. Why that is true is simple. Families are very often poor because one or both parents aren’t remarkable. Bad choices have been made. This is a broad statement not intended to claim all poor families consist of bad parents. Not at all!  It’s just that a large percentage of poor families don’t have both parents engaged in good parenting and, possibly, not even living in the home. The poverty rate for married couples in 2016 was only 5.1% - but the poverty rate for single-parent families with no wife present was 13.1%, and for single-parent families with no husband present was 26.6%.

I don’t have many complaints about being poor as a kid. I never starved although I often ate mayonnaise sandwiches lacking any meat. I got an education -- as wackadoodle as it was! The fact my family was poor is because my dad didn’t take care of us even though he was capable of making good money. Yes, being poor made it necessary for us to be itinerant, causing much disruption in our lives. But the blame doesn’t lie with a lack of money since being both poor and itinerant were the result of inept parenting - an irresponsible father and an undereducated mother who was required to work her ass off just to feed us. But that wasn’t an excuse to give up on ourselves – because we had alternatives.

Reasons and Excuses

I make excuses all the time, more than I should. I make them because I had better choices and didn’t take them. And certainly we often use the word reason when we actually mean excuse without trying to be deceitful. Here I am highlighting the decisions and excuses that determine the direction of our lives. Life moves forward with decisions directed by reason and reasons. Life is held back by bad choices and excuses.
The fact my life, and those of my siblings, started with obstacles was beyond our control. But to call that fact a reason to wallow in that lifestyle forever would be inaccurate. It indeed was not a ‘call for action” to be poor. As we grew older and had alternatives, then the burden of our future was on each of us. To not take those positive alternatives and run with them would allow our circumstance to remain as it had always been. From there on, to remain poor or itinerant would only be an excuse.

Summary

We were disadvantaged in our youth - not for a reason, but for excuses. Quitting school is a decision. Not getting help for alcoholism is a decision. Having a baby in your teens is a decision. A father not supporting his family is a decision. When bad decisions are made, and you are poor as a result -- you only have excuses. There are not many real reasons for being poor in America.  Most of us escaped our disadvantaged situations with reasons to escape, not excuses to remain.

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A Stranger in Spain - ​Childhood Revisited

3/11/2019

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PictureThe Mezquite (mosque) in Cordoba, Spain
​My wife, Kathy, and I are visiting Spain. Fortunately, Kathy has a cousin who is living and working in southern Spain near the town of El Puerto de Santa Maria, very near where Columbus sailed out of - and into - the ocean blue in 1492 (or so). She kindly met us in Madrid where we caught a train first to Cordoba, a medium sized city with busy streets, and a historic district named the Judeira. The main attraction in Cordoba is the Mezquite (mosque). The Mezquite was built by the Moors, but after they were driven out, the Christians took over this amazing building constructing a gorgeous Christian church within in it. Then, we would be onto Cadiz, Seville, and back to Madrid on our own!

But this is not a travel guide. It’s what I found out about myself and it applies to most of us, but especially children. Annette, Kathy’s cousin is not fluent in Spanish but she can get around quite easily. She directed us from the Madrid airport to the rail station, had already bought our train tickets, and had reservations ready in Cordoba. After settling in, she asked the front desk, in Spanish, places to eat. We choose a restaurant and the menu was in Spanish so she ordered for us. You see where I’m going?

Now, Kathy and I are no strangers to visiting foreign countries on our own. We’ve been to Norway, Italy, and even Barcelona--two days prior to a cruise. We did just fine. Many tourist areas in Europe have plenty of English speaking citizens, which helps. But Annette was doing everything for us…and I let her! It was easier on me and quicker for all of us. But I wasn’t getting my bearings, picking up phrases or interfacing with the local populace. I was dependent on Annette. I acted and felt dependent, and while it was painless, it didn’t feel good. That didn’t stop me from going down the easy road. What’s worse, she wouldn’t be with us our entire trip so I wasn’t preparing to be on my own, neither was Kathy.

I had reverted to childhood and Annette was my pseudo-mother, taking care of Kathy and me. She was just being very helpful. The trouble is that mothers and fathers fall into the trap of being too helpful to their children when they do everything for them. And most children will go right along! (But not my 3 year-old granddaughter! Very independent!).  I have two daughters and they have always pushed their kids to do things on their own. For instance, they will tell their 3, 4, and 5 year-old children to order their own meals in a restaurant (waiters and waitresses are usually very patient). They get dressed on their own. They have to pick up after playing (not always enforced if in a play area). This prepares them to be independent and unafraid. The easier the road ahead for a kid, the worse it is for their development. Someday soon, they will have to act on their own, hopefully with confidence and politeness!

My first few days in Spain, I reverted to childhood and I really didn’t like the feeling or results. The same will be true of your children if you don’t build some knowledge and independence in them. Every day is like being a foreigner in Spain when you’re a kid who hasn’t been shown the ropes. Don’t let that happen to your kids.

Summary


  Catching a train,
  in Spain,
  may be in vain, 
  
if you abstain  
  from using your brain,  
  and that would be insane!
  And yes, it did rain (a bit).
​

  Also............


  Try to forbid,
  doing too much for your kid!

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37 Principles I Believe In Enough to Live By

3/4/2019

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Picture
We all have names, our own look, and a family tree. Someone may recognize you by these attributes, but they will not know the person you really are until they know the principles of life by which you live. In other words, your values. Our beliefs are developed over time as we experience life influenced by family, friends, teachers, mentors and even adversaries.

As a parent or mentor, ‘how you live’ will be the lessons most trusted and believed by your children or followers…not ‘what you say’! That doesn’t suggest you should not say what you believe, just don’t negate your oral teachings by how you act out your life.

Below are the principles I try to live by -- not perfectly by any means. I have violated, at times, 30 or more of these principles. But they are my guiding light and the lessons I would like to pass on to my children, grandchildren, and anyone else who would care to listen.

37 Principles I Choose to Teach and Follow:
  1. A stable, supportive family is the greatest privilege you will ever have.
  2. You create your own privileges by forsaking victimhood of any kind.
  3. Always do what you say you will do!
  4. A goal, trusted advice, persistence, and self-reliance will are your best tools for success.  
  5. Your 'worth' is the sum of your tangible and intangible assets.
  6. Never have more debt than you’re worth. (See 6 above).
  7. Never work with people that don’t value you or your mission.
  8. Job satisfaction comes with what you love to do, not what you earn.
  9. Charity’s goal is to help, not to substitute.
  10. Giving is selfless, and selflessness is freeing.
  11. Making the right decisions is aided by having values.
  12. To ensure a young person will not live in poverty, they need to do these three things. (from Brookings Institute)
    1. Finish High School
    2. Get a job
    3. Don’t get pregnant before you get married.
  13. Always attempt to think before responding.
  14. Apologies are like hard work, tough but rewarding.
  15. It’s better that no one knows your achievements than to boast about them (with few exceptions)
  16. Surround yourself with inspirational things and people.
  17. Capture inspiration before it leaves you!
  18. Teach and give your children responsibilities, and hold them to those responsibilities.
  19. Failure is a teacher, and like any teacher, you must pay attention to its lessons to learn.
  20. Bad times are tough, but thankfully tough to recall.  
  21. Only when you leave a beaten path will you have a possibility of finding something undiscovered.
  22. Be you! Always be you! That doesn’t mean ‘don’t change’, but change to be a better you. It’s like polishing silverware. A tarnished spoon is still a spoon after you make it shine.
  23. Have gratitude and appreciation: Rain makes me appreciate the sunshine, sunshine makes me appreciate colors, colors make me appreciate the greenery around me, and the greenery around me makes me appreciate the rain.
  24. Respecting other opinions does not mean you have to agree with their opinions.
  25. ‘Pace yourself’ doesn’t mean slow down, it means to move forward smartly.
  26. The past is for memories. The future is for hope. Today is for you!
  27. Never box yourself in. Have an open, but critical mind.
  28. If it feels wrong, it most likely is.
  29. A dollar earned is one hundred times more valuable than a dollar handed to you.
  30. Pay attention to kids, but ignore their tantrums.
  31. We’re created equal in the eyes of God, but we must admit we are not equal in all talents or results.
  32. Everyone deserves equal opportunity, but each of us owns our results, good or bad.
  33. When you realize life is cycles of ups and downs, it will keep you even-keeled. (This too shall pass)
  34. Don’t overreact to what you see or hear. Understand life by percentages, not raw numbers. It may help to keep you sane! For example:
    1. Typically 100 children are kidnapped by strangers in the US each year. An absolute nightmare for any parent. Each reported incident creates numbing fear!
    2. But be reassured, somewhat, that these 100 incidents happened among 61,000,000 children 14 and under over 365 days (2017). A very, very, rare occurrence – 0.000001%).  *
  35. There is no better rest than the rest that comes after hard work.
  36. The only one who will know if you have true integrity is YOU. (Doing the right thing without the knowledge of others)
  37. Strive for, but don’t expect, perfection!

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