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Maybe the Most Important Habit to Teach Your Kids

1/31/2022

You’ve likely heard the joke, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” Personally, I’d rather eat a cow, but that’s not the point. The point is to never take on more than you can handle at any specific time. Instead of putting your head in a spin, rotating, but not going anywhere, just take a step forward. In time, your personal elephant will be digested. You can use the tusks to pick your teeth, metaphorically speaking.

We all know that what you learn when you are young comes more quickly and stays with you longer. This applies to goal setting. This is when a parent can be a huge, positive influence on the life of their child. Goal oriented people are naturally more successful than most. But goals set and not met can devastate one’s confidence. The answer is mini goals towards a target goal.

Like climbing steps to reach a friend’s apartment on the third floor, you must first reach the first floor. To reach the first floor, you must take the first step. Even the first step to the first floor is a victory if you’re recovering from a broken hip or had heart surgery. But it is a necessary step for all of us.

The key to convincing your child to always have goals is the rewards they bring. While it’s up to your child to pick a goal desirable to them, they may not be in the best position to plan an assault to get there. The way to get those big rewards (achievement alone is a reward) is to make the mini-goals challenging, but achievable tasks. A mini goal too easily obtained is not satisfying. A mini goal too difficult to obtain will result in failure, disappointment and discouragement. Only a parent is wise enough and knows their child enough to choose mini goals wisely.

Success in any endeavor is an endorphin and can surely become habit forming. Of course, goals are age related and can be anything relatable to them. Fun challenges can be a good start, before they really know what they want. For example:

How far can they run? Improving each week.
How many books (or pages) can they read in a week?
How much weight can they lift? Improving each month.
How to get better grades by dedication increasing time studying without distractions.
What treat/honor can they score by keeping their room clean all week?
How many people did they smile at today?
Can they do flash cards faster, or move up to higher level flash cards?
How many free throws can they make in a row? 3 today, 10 next week, improving over time to maybe 25.

Always keep a carrot or a Twinkie on a stick for your children to work towards. Of course, the goals get more serious and likely tougher as they age. But having a goal-setting routine or mindset, and patience to achieve goals in a step by step manner will make all the difference in your lives.

Michael Byron Smith
Author of 'The Power of Dadhood'

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When Should the Few Disrupt the Many?

1/14/2022

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Have you heard of families that have to go to two or three different fast-food restaurants because not everyone in the family wants the same food? Let’s say you’re traveling by car and want to get some lunch. You all decide on Taco Bell, but little Freddie wants a Happy Meal at McDonalds. Do you go to both restaurants in the name of being an accommodating parent? Maybe, if McDonalds is next door. But there isn’t one at this exit (surprise!) so you travel two exits down to get the Happy Meal. Sometimes, this is okay. But if you always do this to satisfy their whims, you might create a monster.

In my last blog post, I discussed life not being fair. I’d like to continue along that theme. The question here is why should a large majority give up their needs to satisfy a small minority, and when? The short answer, I believe, has to do with reasonable rights. As a country, I believe the Founding Fathers did a good job in this area, balancing the needs of all. That’s why we have a House of Representatives (representing the many) and a Senate (protecting the few) which check and balance each other.

Getting back to the family, if one member requests something different from everyone else, they have that right - IF specific reasons or needs exist. It could be they have allergies, diet needs, or a true revulsion (a rarity). If, however, they are only in a mood for something different, it’s not right to bear upon everyone else. There is something for Little Freddie at Taco Bell. He’s eaten there before.

Now let us go from a family level to a societal level. When should small groups impact much larger groups of citizenry in a negative or troublesome way? Again, it depends on rights and who defines those rights. The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) is a perfect example of a much smaller group of citizens causing a large group of citizens to be affected for the needs of that smaller group. The impacts are small in some ways, large in others, such as building requirements, heavy costs. But it is the right thing to do, and few would argue that point.

In the last few years, however, small, organized and unorganized groups are causing serious disruptions to the many that may not be necessary. I say ‘may not be necessary’ allowing for reasons yet unknown to me. I will mention a few.

There has been a large cry by a few to defund the police. The few get satisfaction for real and perceived police misconduct. The many lose important community needs for safety, and increased crime.
There have been sexually explicit books allowed in many elementary schools. For the few, this liberates certain lifestyle choices. For the many, children have been exposed to pornographic language and depictions before they or their parents are ready to touch upon a sensitive topic in the way they choose.
The Black Lives Matter organization wants to tear down the idea of the nuclear family. The few get something from this for what I’m truly unsure. Of course, we know all families cannot be nuclear. The many are impacted by the real statistics that show more poverty, drugs, crime, and teen mothers occurring in non-nuclear families. Certainly, some non-nuclear families are very successful.
Many District Attorneys in major cities are not prosecuting crimes. The few are claiming this is necessary for equity, protecting criminals’ rights. The many are impacted by higher crime, more expensive insurance, and a greater exposure of highly unethical acts to foul a neighborhood, culture, and society.
A culture exists of canceling the free speech and activities with whom a few disagree. For these few, they are gaining leverage in their ideals. For the many, free speech is being restricted in US and some are losing rights and an their chosen way of living.
Biological males who identify as female are being allowed in women’s restrooms and also competing physically with biological females. For the few, they are living a lifestyle more comfortable for them. For the many, this is uncomfortable, embarrassing, and intrusive. Or, in sports, this philosophy takes away recognition for truly outstanding physical performances by biological women.
There has even recently been some defense of pedophiles! One Harvard professor says the term, 'pedophile' should be replaced with ‘minor-attracted person’. A recent reference in USA Today, since retracted, defended pedophiles as not always being active, and that non-podophiles defile children too, etc. For the few who have some sympathy for the sickness of pedophilia, they assume some necessary awareness, and seek societal help. For the majority, nothing is more important than protecting their children from predators!

These are examples of the few who impact, or affect, the many in ways that hurt the majority. Is there a ‘right’ to defund the police? Is there a ‘right’ to place books of explicit sexual activity in elementary schools? Is there a ‘right’ to eliminate or downplay nuclear families? Is there a ‘right’ of criminals not to be prosecuted? I know there is a right to free speech! Is there a ‘right’ for biological males to enter a women’s restroom? Maybe they have a right to their own restroom, but do the many have to pay for it? And no one has a right to hurt a child, but a pedophile has a ‘right’ to get help from a professional!

While I have my thoughts on this, and the right to say them, you may have different thoughts, and you are welcome to them. But we should consider with much discussion when a few can have leverage over the many when no specific rights are violated. The few may feel this is not fair, and they may be right. But life is not fair! When choices must be made that are not fair, the edge should go to the majority, especially when rights are not being violated.

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A New Year's Gift to Your Children (no matter their age)

1/1/2022

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Kids go through stages. Stages of growing, learning, maturity, understanding, etc. There is a great lesson to be taught in every stage, whether it be how to share, how to be responsible, how to be kind, and so on. All parents know it takes a lot of patience and perseverance to teach these important characteristics. Some of us are better at it than others. There is, however, one lesson every kid should learn before they are tossed out into the cold, cruel world. It's a two-part lesson. From that time forward, it may be the last greatest lesson you can give them.

What is the first part of the lesson? It is one that will free them from many ills such as, dependence, regret, self-pity, misunderstanding, anger, and resentment. It is something kids are taught to be when they are young because it is an admirable trait. But, unfortunately, the lesson doesn’t always hold true in the real world. It’s not that it doesn’t happen frequently, but it can never be assumed or to be counted on. So what is the lesson?

I. Life is not fair and one should accept that reality.

It is true. Life is not fair as we all have experienced. There are many examples of it. Some people have fancy homes and cars while others live on the edge of hunger. That doesn’t seem fair at all. Some people are born into money, some are born with lots of intelligence, and others just seem to have more energy and better instincts. None of those things are fair, but you know what? That’s just too bad and we must get over it!

II. The second part the lesson: "Success is about leverage”!

Kids need to know that in the adult world, decisions are not always made according to fairness. They are more frequently made based on leverage. For instance, educated or skilled people have the leverage of better performance than those who don’t. They are the ones who are awarded scholarships, better jobs, and more money if they use that leverage!

Yes, you say, but there are some not-so-educated and not-so-hard working people that have more money. True, and that may not be fair. But surely they have leverage in some way that allows them to have more money. Any person born into a western culture like the United States has much more leverage than a very hard-working person born in the slums of Calcutta. The leverage in this example is birthplace. Again we see that it isn’t fair that some people are born less fortunate or in the wrong location. But life is not fair and likely never will be.

Note: Be as fair and ethical as possible, but don’t depend on it coming back to you!

Anyone can come up with examples they think are unfair. But in every one of those examples, there will be a situation where leverage has come into play. I thought that it was unfair when I went to college, that I was a commuter student without dorm friends who, I discovered later, helped each other study and had access to all kinds of old tests, etc. They had the leverage of instant help from smarter people who lived across the hall. It wasn’t fair to me, who studied alone. But I didn’t have the leverage of living in the dorms or knowing how things really worked in college. Yes, being naive is on me!

Note: There is NO leverage in being naive!

Here is another example. Should there be a minimum wage and is it fair to have one? Most people who have minimum wage jobs do not have the leverage of an education or special skills. People who hire them have the leverage of a large pool of non-skilled workers from which to choose so they can pay as little as it takes to get the employees they need. You can say it is unfair to these workers who may work very hard for their wages, but the employer has the leverage.

The only leverage unskilled workers may have is when the public, via their government representatives, has sympathy towards them. If deemed by law, these unskilled workers must be paid more than the market alone allows. This becomes fairer for the workers but unfair to the employers who now have to pay an artificially higher amount than the market. It may also be unfair for those that will not be hired because of the higher cost of labor. A majority in a democracy will almost always have leverage.

My wife was a teacher, my son is a soldier, one of my daughters is a college counselor and my other daughter is an occupational therapist. None of them make even one percent of the salary of an average major league baseball player. I think we now know that this is about the leverage of their talent, not the fairness of what occupations are most important in society. We accept that. And I do enjoy baseball even though they are overpaid in the minds of many. It’s not fair that some people have unique leverage that you could never attain, but you can’t wallow in that.

Note: There is no leverage in wallowing!

If your children can understand leverage and the ethical use of leverage, they have a tremendous head start over their peers! Being young, in itself, is a great leverage tool! Young people have time to earn, learn, and implement the things that will become leverage for them later in life, without ever depending on fairness or luck! Those people with this attitude are the ones who seem to succeed and be the most “lucky”.

Note: Understanding leverage IS leverage!

Leverage that doesn’t exist by chance can be built. Working hard in school to have good grades creates leverage over others to get into college or even a scholarship. The education attained via scholarship provides leverage over those without an education to get the best jobs. The money you earn is generally higher because fewer people have your education or skill. We all know that having money is classic leverage.

Note: There is tremendous leverage in a good attitude, a good education, a good work ethic, and a good understanding of how the world operates.

Like intelligence, a special talent, or being born into a well-to-do family, sometimes leverage is given to you. That is a gift. But leverage can be wasted if not valued. Also, leverage given to you can be taken away. It is the worst kind of leverage because you are counting on others and not yourself.

If your older children can grasp the notion that building leverage is to their advantage, that complaining about life not being fair is a waste of time, then you have given them a tremendous advantage in life. The leverage of understanding life, of having a work ethic, and knowing their success is basically up to them, could be the greatest lesson of their life!

Note: Having leverage is not always fair, and being fair does not always create leverage. But try to be fair anyway. It's best for you!

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​Maybe the Most Important Habit to Teach Your Kids

When Should the Few Disrupt the Many?

A New Year's Gift to Your Children (no matter their age)

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Maybe the Most Important Habit to Teach Your Kids