Category: Parenting

The World’s Greatest Dad

1/6/2025

urbanloftart.com

Just how many men have the distinction of being the World’s Greatest Dad? It’s a mantle shared by many. Some men deserve it, and some don’t, but what is really important is what the children of those men think. Of course, there is no single ‘world’s greatest dad’ because the ‘world’ to any child is their own father. To your child, no one on earth has your potential as a guardian, mentor, and confidant. I use the word ‘potential' because some men, for any number of reasons, fall short in their parenting. Here are a few actual reasons fathers fail to be “Dads”.

Alcohol problems
Drug addiction
Busy Career
Wasn’t what I wanted
It a mother’s job
Don’t know how
Health issues
Kids are difficult
Objections of the mother

I’ve yet to hear a good reason to fail as a father. Some of the reasons listed above are absurd while others are unfortunate, but not a real hindrance. The closest excuse to a true hindrance is the objections of the mother who severely restricts involvement by a father with the backing of the courts. This is an actual and often tragic situation for a man who wants dearly to be a part of his child’s life. This precludes those men who are a real danger to their children, but those type of men are rare. Beyond motherly or court-ordered obstacles, all men have a relatively easy path to the greatest reward they can ever achieve – “The World’s Greatest Dad.”

Let me explain what I mean by ‘easy.’ No, being a loving and nurturing parent is not easy. Raising children takes much patience, time, and money, not to mention the coordination of parenting methods with their mother. But the easy part is getting the adoration of your kids for the mere fact you are their dad. Every ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ is the one who kisses his child goodnight, who brags on their artwork, who loves the people they love, who gives them rides on their backs and listens to their problems. If you do those and other little things that all children need, you will undoubtedly deserve your t-shirt, mug, or crayon poster with your name on it -- “Dad.”

Never take something like this child-appointed award for granted just because you see other dads with the same prize! It’s not a competition -- it’s a great honor bestowed upon you by the most important people in your world. If you have really earned it, you will wear it, drink from it, or post it with true pride because “The Power of Dadhood” is real!

Consider reading my book, A Vagabond Life: A Memoir of Father Hunger - What it does to families and how I conquered it.

Michael Byron Smith

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The Most Concise Self-Help Book You’ll Ever Read

7/1/2024

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Written by Michael Byron Smith
Published by “Helping Fathers to be Dads”
Copyright 2018 by Michael Byron Smith

Introduction

I confess. I have read quite a few self-help books in my day. I needed them at the time, and they truly helped me. Anyone who doesn’t think they need support/guidance has already had plenty of it, or they are fooling themselves and being naive. Unfortunately, I didn’t discover these books until I was fully an adult; a situation made worse because I had no true mentor growing up. Any young person who has or had a mentor is very fortunate, but even if a mentor exists there will be much they can’t or won’t know to teach you. Living a full and curious life is the best teacher, but learning from mentors and books will allow you to get to deeper aspects of life more quickly, allowing for more learning.

Often, self-help books teach lessons that on reflection seem like common sense. But common sense is a ‘basic level of practical knowledge and judgment.’ It only becomes common after we are made aware of it. Sure, there are those that pick up on some things on their own or faster than others, but not everything.

Life can be very difficult. If it were easy, we would cease to grow as interesting people. Yet, some folks are happy with little and never complain, and that’s okay. Others have an abundance of success and are never happy, that’s sad. And, of course, there are most of us in the wide spectrum in the middle. You must choose with honesty where you fall within that spectrum to change if indeed you want to change.

With that introduction, here are some simplified bits of advice on a few key areas of life. Consider this advice to be like a lioness nudging her cubs gently with her nose to go hunt. Once you learn to hunt, you have made great strides toward success, or happiness…and hopefully, both.

The ‘How-To’s

Consider this advice, change/substitute what you think may work better for you. Then go hunting for fatter prey.

How to make the Middle Class[i]

Finish high school
Get a job
Don’t get married or have children before you’re 21

How to go to college without money[ii]

Be poor (but not on purpose!)
Study with commitment and very diligently
Know your school counselor (connections are critical)
Apply for a college scholarship (Most colleges look to balance their student population with deserving students with financial needs)[iii]

How to be respected

Have Common Sense: think about what you’re doing and the possible consequences.
Be Measured: not going too far in excess on anything, anyone, or on any matter
Fairness: be honest, patient, and truthful. Keep your word and be dependable
Have Courage: stick to your ideals but listen to others

How to be a good parent [iv]

Be available
Be loving
Be consistent
Be fun
Have principles.
Read, THE POWER OF DADHOOD and A VAGABOND LIFE: A MEMOIR OF FATHER HUNGER

How to improve your health

Move around much more often
Reduce food portions
Eat fruits and vegetables
Take vitamins
See a doctor at least once a year

How to improve your attitude

Remember you have choices, to change or to accept
Consider trying a different perspective
Take responsibility for yourself and your actions
Find something important you want and work towards it

How to save money

Get the best available job that suits your abilities
Save 5% to 10% of whatever you make no matter how little your salary (YES you can!)
Don’t let your savings burn a hole in your pocket, have goals
Find yourself feeling good about what you’ve done and challenged to keep saving more
Don’t ever over-extend yourself

How to be happy

Never expect always to be happy!
Count your blessings. You have more than you think.
Respect your strengths, improve upon or accept your weaknesses
Read ‘How to improve your attitude,’ above
If these fail, you may need to supplement your natural serotonin (see a Doctor)

Summary

I think these thoughts will help you, even if you’ve heard them before. You likely have heard most and even thought them helpful but moved on without following through. Give yourself another chance. If you do believe in the advice and ignore it, you are missing possibly the most important aspect of success…MOTIVATION. Find it somewhere!

A simplified list like this one can be tacked to a wall or attached with a magnet to your refrigerator as a reminder. Someday, you may look at it at a time when motivation has, mysteriously or not, kicked in. For it takes knowledge and motivation to really move forward.

If a particular topic interests you, it is likely that you will be moved to learn more about it. Extensive material in libraries, book stores, and conveniently, the Internet will help you do research. And there are people and organizations that will help you if you ask. GO DO IT!

[i] Only 2% of poor teens who do these things remain poor. https://www.brookings.edu/opinions/three-simple-rules-poor-teens-should-follow-to-join-the-middle-class/

[ii] This is what delivered me from poverty and a cycle of dysfunction

[iii] Not a panacea. Realistically, not everyone has the intellectual or cognitive ability to thrive in school. (15% of the U.S. population has an IQ of 85 or below. Dr. Richard Haier)

[iv] from The Power of Dadhood, published by Familius, LLC

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Substitute Heroes

5/17/2024

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My Hero Growing Up - Jimmy Stewart

I wrote this article in 2018, four years after my first book, The Power of Dadhood, and five years before my second book, A Vagabond Life. My second book is a memoir about a family without a supportive father. My hero, Jimmy Stewart is included in A Vagabond Life.

* * *

Mentors are people that teach by example. We all need mentors as we grow through different stages of life, but especially when we are young. Children aren’t always good judges of their mentors so they may follow any example, good or bad. My father was absent most of my life, and when he was around, he was typically drunk and an embarrassment. It’s a shame because my father, when sober, was quite interesting, smart, and a gentleman. But the moments where I looked upon my dad as someone to admire was shattered continuously by the slovenly drunk he could become and did become over and over again.

As any boy would, I wanted someone to look up to and admire. I had uncles, but they were not in my life enough to have an impact. We never settled in a neighborhood long enough to hang out with boys my age that had dads I might admire. There were no older cousins, and I was the oldest of my siblings. But I did have a thirst for a role model, and subconsciously I was always looking for him.

I don’t know why, but my substitute hero became the actor, Jimmy Stewart. I’m not sure what it was that first attracted me to Mr. Stewart. I think it may have been a common interest we had in aviation. That interest was key in his acceptance of movie roles like “The Spirit of St. Louis” and “Strategic Air Command.” As I watched him in these and other movies, I became enamored by the type of characters he played. Typically, he was honorable, shy, and did the right thing. I dreamed of being like the characters he played in the movies.

As I learned more about him, I discovered that the man who played the characters I loved so much was an even better man in real life. He was a real-life pilot in the Army Air Corps/U.S. Air Force and insisted on going into combat when he could have made recruiting films. Returning from the war in late 1945, Mr. Stewart insisted that his military exploits, which included many combat missions and numerous decorations, not be publicized. I was impressed by that kind of humility. You would have to look far and wide and still not find anyone who would say anything disparaging about him. Once he married, later than most, he remained faithful although admired by many of his female co-stars.

Once, on a business trip to Los Angeles, I drove by the house he lived in for years. Unlike the big mansions behind gates and hidden by vegetation where most stars lived, Jimmy Stewart’s home was on a typical street in Beverly Hills, accessible by anyone who would have walked up to the door. Yes, his was the model I wanted to follow, big shoes to fill for sure, but I loved the challenge.

A disadvantage of having a distant hero is the inability to ask questions or to be reassured when doubts arise. But having someone to look up to, to imagine what your hero would do, is a comfort and a direction in which to look.

The idea of a substitute father/hero is a good one, but it comes with the danger of misplacing one’s trust with someone whose values are not the best or don’t gel with your personality and goals. Misplaced trust happens too often with young men without boundaries. For instance, joining a gang is often a how a young man chooses to belong, emulating the behavior of the men in that gang, most of whom are barely older and have the same identity issues. Sometimes boys in a father-deprived situation like I was look up to hyper-masculine movie heroes who mislead them about real life and being a man.

A wonderful place to go to find a substitute hero is Big Brothers (now called ‘Big Brothers, Big Sisters’), an organization I volunteered for while I was in the Air Force. Their Mission is to ‘provide children facing adversity with strong and enduring, professionally supported one-to-one relationships that change their lives for the better, forever’.

The young man for whom I was a Big Brother was nine years old, had long hair, and very quiet. We went fishing, bowling, and to the movies. I went to his ballgames and bought him ice cream. We talked as much as I could get him to talk. I did the things I wish my father had done. While I was a young mid-twenties male with self-confidence issues myself, to him I was a successful jet pilot in the U.S. Air Force. Did he seem impressed? Not really, but that was not why I was there. I was there to show him he was important and spending time with him proved that. I let him know my dad was not there for me, just like his dad wasn’t there for him. But I became what I wanted to be . . . just like he could.

The power of example is an awesome one. We can’t let young men stumble into the wrong ones. Boys thrive on the ideals of service and sacrifice when they have the right examples to follow. I challenge all men to be available to boys who need guidance and encouragement. Young people are our most precious resource, and we must protect our future.

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The Boy Who Never Felt Pain

4/23/2024

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There once was a boy named Samuel who never felt pain. He would scrape a knee, and it would not hurt. He would bump his head very hard and not cry. “How lucky you are!” his friends would say. “I wish I never knew pain!” they complained.

Samuel was curious, however, and wondered what pain was all about. Certainly, he noticed when his friends were in pain because they would grimace and often cry. He thought, “Would I want that?" Of course he had no idea for he didn’t understand the concept of pain any more than a fish understands being in water. Samuel’s friends were confused about him. He could neither be described as a happy or sad fellow.

“Why not be happy?” everyone asked.

“Pain is not good, believe us!” they reminded him.

“Samuel must feel very fortunate.” they thought.

But how could Samuel be happy about not having pain if he didn’t know the sensation of pain? And neither was Samuel really sad because sadness itself was pain.

Samuel did not have the sensations everyone else had. He was never cold nor hot. He didn’t understand why his friends loved the warmth of a fire in the winter or the cool breezes of summer. Samuel enjoyed neither - just as one would not be particularly delighted about having a hammer if there were no nails to strike.

Samuel lived where the sun shone almost every day. When visitors told him how lovely the sunshine was, he replied, “Really?” Samuel had never traveled very far and the sun shining wasn’t any more exceptional than having air to breathe.

Something was missing for Samuel, but he didn’t know what it could be. Everyone wanted to be like him and to have what he had because everything seemed perfect for Samuel -- sunshine every day and never experiencing discomfort. Samuel, however, didn’t understand why people thought he was so fortunate – whatever being fortunate was.

Life to Samuel was the same every day. He didn’t know ‘good’ because he didn’t know ‘bad’. He wasn’t interesting because he had very few stories to tell. How could you have a story if you never experienced distress, or overcame it? He couldn’t contribute to conversations about how rain refreshed everything on a hot day, nor talk about the discomfort of a toothache or the incredible relief when the agony went away.

What was this life he seemed to be missing? Was he really fortunate? How could he ever know?

The Incident

One day, Samuel was walking home from school as storm clouds gathered. As he reached his house lightning struck a tree in his yard! Samuel was knocked down from the force of electricity exploding in the wood of the tree. When he awoke, he had a strange sensation. Samuel hurt! And he hurt a lot! He never knew this feeling before and, of course, he didn’t like it. Samuel’s parents had heard the lightning strike and found their son on the ground dazed. He was moaning as if in pain. They had never seen Samuel in pain!

They rushed him to the hospital and, fortunately, Samuel was not hurt badly. He would be okay, but something had happened to him. Indeed, Samuel was experiencing pain and wished he could be the old Samuel - without the ability to feel this horrible sensation. Samuel now knew what his friends were talking about.

His weakness and the chill in the hospital made him shiver. Never before had he sensed being cold! He was awash in sensations, and while uncomfortable, it was an awakening for him. A nurse placed a heated blanket on Samuel, and the warmth was exhilarating! Waves of emotion came over him! What was this about? Never before had he been overwhelmed with such relief and comfort! Gradually, Samuel’s aches and pains from ‘the incident’ went away. And the lack of pain was beautiful! He was always pain-free before the incident, only this time he loved not hurting! “Why didn’t I ever appreciate not hurting?” he wondered.

After that day, everything changed. Samuel became like every other boy or girl. His encounter with the lightning strike gave him the gift of feeling and sensation allowing him to know he was, indeed, lucky when he didn’t have pain. He also now understood warmth because he had experienced cold.

Samuel’s life was now fuller! He had decisions to make because he learned about the consequences of decisions. Some opportunities would give him happiness but maybe risked pain or injury. Other choices would keep him safe, but he could possibly miss out on some fun. And now he knew about joy, and the warmth of a fire, and the refreshing feeling of cool breezes. Yes, he had to think more than he ever did before the incident, but thinking and choices made his life so much more interesting! Balance was a word he now understood. Samuel knew that undertaking tasks that may be uncomfortable or difficult could bring rewards to him which were joyful and fulfilling.

With his newfound thirst for knowledge and experiences, Samuel began traveling and found new challenges and interests everywhere he traveled. He went to a place where the rain was common! It was so lush and green there! When he first saw the rain, he danced in the street with his mouth open reveling in its coolness and its taste. The rain was so lovely to watch and the sound so soothing. But after three days of rain, he longed for the sunshine of his home. Samuel now knew why visitors mentioned how beautiful the sunshine was in the days before the incident!

Lessons from ‘The Incident’

The most significant lesson Samuel learned from his harrowing experience with the lightning strike was that life on a roller coaster is so much more interesting than life on a merry-go-round. He now knew the joy of overcoming obstacles, the feeling of relief, and the pride of meeting a challenge. He knew about limits and when to respect them and when to challenge them. He knew sacrifice is a temporary situation that will likely improve his life. And those that sacrifice now will reap the rewards and success of the future. Samuel now understood that a world of contrasts is a much more exciting place to live!

Life is defined by risks and experiences, good and bad. Without contrasts, there is nothing to measure or compare. There would be no such concept as perfection if everything were perfect. Ideas and action can be dangerous, but they are alive! Joy is not eternal sunshine and no pain. Joy is sunshine after the rain and your recovery from the pain. It’s the soothing warmth after a shuddering chill -- or the breathless relief when reaching the peak of a hill. Joy comes from leaving some level of sorrow behind.

Yin and Yang are perfect partners because there is no Yin without Yang nor is there Yang without Yin! Samuel now understood pain but knew he would never want to be protected from the possibility of it. It was pain that taught him how good normal felt. It was pain that told him something was not right and should be attended to. And he knew the more he learned about life, the better prepared he would be to avoid pain - and to find happiness.

Samuel grew up to be happier than any of the friends, those who thought he was lucky in the days before he felt no pain. For he understood better than any of them that life without challenges is not perfect and entirely uninspiring. He knew that real happiness is striving for something. Happiness is a state of mind that comes from having a purpose and pursuing it! No, Samuel didn’t like pain, but he understood its tremendous value. His life was now an adventure!

© Helping Fathers to be Dads, 2019

Available on Amazon.com and BN.com

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36 Quick Suggestions for Your 2024 Attitude

12/27/2023

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My granddaughter, Malia, reading when she was 11

For the New Year 2024, I hope the best for everyone. Most of it is up to you! This includes doing your best to be better no matter if it’s saving money, being a parent, or exercising. Of course, you can’t be the best at everything but you can have an great attitude! Here are some suggestions for your 2024 attitude. You don’t actually have to do these things (we can’t), but you can feel this way inside. Just think of John Travolta in the opening scene of “Staying Alive”. If that doesn’t put a bounce in your step, nothing will.

If you don’t like any of these suggestions, use your own. If you have your own thoughts on 'being like', let me know them in the comments section and I may publish them.

So......

Sing like Whitney Houston
Dance like Fred Astaire
Laugh like Eddie Murphy
Walk like John Travolta
Play like a child
Love like Mother Theresa
Pray like Billy Graham
Give like Bill Gates
Cook like Julia Childs
Inspire like Dale Carnegie
Share like Winnie the Pooh
Rock like The Rolling Stones
Swim like Michael Phelps
Run like Carl Lewis
Teach like Jesus
Be happy like Happy (one of the Seven Dwarfs)
Travel like Rick Steves
Read like my 15-year-old granddaughter
Climb Mountains like Sir Edmond Hillary
Write like Ernest Hemmingway
Build like the Egyptians
Play tennis like Serena Williams
Fly like Chuck Yeager
Exercise like Richard Simmons
Paint like Rembrandt
Design like Da Vinci
Invent like Edison
Lead like Churchill
Sleep like Rip Van Winkle
Be calm like Buddha
Study like a monk
Take photos like Ansel Adams
Ride like the Pony Express
Act like your know what you’re doing
Imagine like Elon Musk

36. But still be your best self!

#Powerofdadhood

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Tools are the Best Gift a Parent Can Give a Child!

11/30/2023

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Not all tools are metal and wood. Some are skills to be understood.

Did you ever use a butter knife for a screwdriver - or a shoe for a hammer? I have! They don't work as well as the real tools.

I once interviewed for a job I wanted very much. I was qualified but I didn't get it. You know why? I lacked a critical social tool, confidence!

We all know a simple fishing pole can feed someone more often than a coupon at Long John Silver’s. Think about that! A tool, used properly, is a gift that keeps on giving. Once you use the coupon, you're done!

What kind of tools do you ask?

Having success in as many areas as possible is crucial, because the more tools one has, the more flexibility to adjust. Be aware of where your children may need help – help as in tools, not sympathy, or money, or things.

I'd like to quote a passage from my book, “The Power of Dadhood,” in which I discuss success in five areas.

From: The Power of Dadhood

In baseball, a “five-tool” player is one who can run, throw, field, hit for average, and hit with power. Few players fit the description of a five-tool player. When they do fulfill their potential in this way, they attain fame and fortune.

Highly successful people also have tools in five areas of success:

Financial Success: Not necessarily having a lot of money, but knowing how to manage the money you do have.
Relationship Success: Having loving friends and family members who can be counted on in good times and bad, just as they count on you.
Intellectual Success: Maximizing your intellect by being open to others, their ideas, and their culture. Always being open to learning. Having confidence, patience, and empathy while understanding your strengths and weaknesses, and those of others.
Physical Success: Giving your body and mind the exercise, nutrients, and rest they need.
Spiritual Success: Being able to live outside the needs of your ego with love and understanding for people and all living things. {This could be, but not necessarily, through your religion}

Dad Tip:

Being a “Five-Tool Success” isn’t inborn; it’s taught. And while both parents have a good deal to say in teaching this to their children, as Dads we can assess our children’s abilities and objectively help them meet their goals.

As fathers, giving our children these tools of success would be our own truest success. Look at each of your children. Which of these five tools does each of them need your help with? It will likely be different for each child. Spend time with each to teach, mentor, and encourage them as they make their way to success.

If you find one tool in which they all need help, it may be related to how they were raised. Hopefully you can recognize their shortcomings even if you have the same issues. To overcome these shortcomings, listen to the trusted advice of others, read voraciously, and practice what you learn. It will help if you can teach your children with the conviction of experience rather than just book learning.

Always remember the #powerofdadhood - and use your power wisely!

Watch out for my new book, "A Vagabond Life - A Memoir of Father Hunger", coming soon on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. It is the story of my growing up without a responsible father. This story is the catalyst for my blogs, and the reason I wrote, "The Power of Dadhood".
Thank You!

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Expanding Your Child’s Horizons: Unconventional After-School Pursuits

7/31/2023

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Photo Credit: August de Richelieu via Pexels

Foreword

As a child, I was raised in an environment that was a stimulation wasteland, where many days went by without mental growth. It slowed my emotional intelligence and limited my ability to compete and grow. My book on this topic will be published later this year. It's entitled "A Vagabond Life - A Memoir of Father Hunger".

This article by Lacie Martin of <raisethemwell.org> has activity suggestions that will prepare your child for a future that will challenge them, making them competitive with peers, or even ahead of them. I heartily endorse these suggestions!

Michael Byron Smith

Expanding Your Child’s Horizons: Unconventional After-School Pursuits

After-school activities can make a significant difference in a child's life by providing opportunities that go beyond academics and sports. Participating in extracurricular activities can help a child shape their identity and broaden their interests. Today, Michael Byron Smith explores some alternative after-school activities meant to foster your child’s creativity, independence, and social skills.

Enroll Them in Martial Arts
Martial arts is a popular activity that doesn’t require prior experience. Apart from its health benefits, martial arts provide a disciplined approach to physical fitness and help children develop emotional intelligence and learn self-defense. The advanced skills required for martial arts teach children to set realistic goals and work towards achieving them. Moreover, this activity teaches children the importance of respect, courtesy, and empathy, which improves their relationships with others.

Start a Book Club After School
Encouraging your child to read is one of the most effective ways to spark their imagination and shape their personality. By joining an after-school book club, your child can enhance their reading skills and comprehension and discover new authors, genres, and cultures. In addition, book clubs provide a platform for kids to improve their social skills by discussing and debating different perspectives with their peers. Give your child the gift of a book club membership and unlock their full potential.

Check Out Coding
Encouraging children to learn how to code not only provides a foundation for future careers in technology, but also supports the development of critical thinking, problem-solving, and creativity. Learning to code also teaches children how to approach complex tasks with patience and persistence, helping them to build resilience and confidence. Plus, coding skills can be applied to a variety of fields, from science and engineering, to gaming and media, making it a versatile and valuable tool for future success. You can enroll your child into a coding class or club, or use free online resources to get started!

After-School Theater Is Great
The theater is an exceptional after-school activity for children who love performing arts or longing to enhance their public speaking skills. It is a platform that fosters creativity, collaboration, and self-expression. By providing a secure environment, theater instills a sense of comfort with vulnerability, enabling kids to develop emotional intelligence and social awareness. Besides, theater instills the values of teamwork and respect for others, as children work together to achieve a common goal.

Introduction to Entrepreneurship
Encouraging children to unleash their entrepreneurial potential can be an exhilarating and fulfilling after-school pursuit. For instance, you should show them how to create a text logo online, which is a great way to encourage their creativity while also encouraging the development of other business skills like critical thinking, problem-solving, and leadership. At first, they can start small with products or services that cater to their peers and capture their interests. As their venture flourishes, they will gradually master various aspects of entrepreneurship, such as financial management, marketing strategies, and customer service.

Encourage Volunteering
Encouraging your child to spearhead a volunteer project can be a transformative and gratifying after-school activity. By fostering a sense of social responsibility and empathy, they can hone essential life skills and create lasting community impact. From organizing a food or clothing drive to leveraging social media to rally volunteers and donations, their leadership skills will shine through every aspect of their initiative. Through volunteerism, they can not only develop emotional intelligence and social skills but also deepen their connection to society.

Learn a Musical Instrument
Learning a musical instrument is not just a beneficial after-school activity; it is a life-altering experience that ingrains invaluable qualities like patience, discipline, and perseverance. It immeasurably enhances cognitive capacity, fine motor skills, and memory, besides providing endless personal satisfaction. From the guitar to the piano to drums and more, children can choose any instrument that resonates with them. With regular practice, they can sharpen their skills and unlock a lifelong passion for music that will stay with them forever.

Help Your Child Find Their Passions
Extracurricular activities can have a profound impact on your child's life trajectory. By motivating them to engage in after-school activities, you expand their horizons, improve their social skills, and empower them to pursue their passions and interests. Offering your child these opportunities to explore, grow, and learn vital life skills can unlock a world of possibilities and create a strong foundation for their future success.

Being a parent is hard, but Michael Byron Smith wants to help men learn how to be great dads to their kids. Visit me online to learn more parenting tips.

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You Get Back What you Give

6/18/2023

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An aspect of being a parent hit me hard when my wife, Kathy, passed away a few weeks ago. Her health was suffering prior, but her death was unexpected and shocking. Only 70 years old, we had spent 53 years together, 47 years married. While I remain at a loss, I am supported by my son, daughters, their husbands, and grandchildren, which I will expand upon later.

At first, I was in shock and amid great activity - making arrangements, constantly surrounded by words of compassion and foods of comfort. Many who loved Kathy were around, sharing their sadness and stories with my family. Her service was attended by so many whose lives she had touched. It was almost joyous given the remembrances of her. After the formalities were over, we had a luncheon for all. It was a good day in the sense that it was a wonderful celebration of her life.

Then, everyone went back to their daily lives, to routines that were normal for them. That’s when the reality had a now open path that hit me hard! The silence of the house, the wonderful dinners she cooked were no more. I missed our conversations and even our arguments. Our new kitchen, which she had dreamed of for years, was being constructed as she lay in the hospital for four months. I gave her updates, and she told me NOT to pick out our new stove until she could go with me. Now, her beautiful kitchen is finished, and she never saw it. But I see it every day, and it reminds me of her in both good and very sad ways.

Overall, I am doing just fine, not great, but why would I be doing great? I worry about my children having lost their mother and four grandchildren for whom every moment of her recent life was dedicated! She basically clothed them and created traditions they all loved. I’m sure, like me, their emotions erupt out of nowhere with the realization of her absence, which cannot be undone. And that realization hits the hardest, like a hammer to the forehead, something impossible to undo. But I then consider all the adventures we had together with our family. They were wonderful! They happened, and they too cannot be undone. Death is as natural as being born. Kathy lived a good life and much longer than many who die tragically young. She will never suffer the fear of a child’s or grandchild’s sickness. She left us without having to worry beyond what normal mothers/grandmothers do. Thoughts like these are helpful, if not a remedy for the sadness.

Now for my family. Every parent knows the difficulties of parenting. Enforcing rules, trying to be fair and consistent. Not always sure when to help your children or to let them flounder on their own to learn. We know the worries that keep us up at night, the frustrations of not feeling like we’re getting through to them. We give up trips, shiny objects, peaceful evenings, and spend lots of time and money on them. But my God, if you raise them to be decent, loving, human beings, you will want and need them around to return to you the love and help you will need when you are older.

I still have my family to live for, to help, and to rely on. How could I have got through Kathy’s death without their support, love, and help? They were worth every investment in time, money, and irritation as Kathy and I raised them. Our children will look out for us when we can’t think or walk as fast as we used to. They will protect us from social predators, from making bad decisions, and give us unconditional love–just as we did for them when they needed it. I’m a healthy 72 years old and very independent. But I am dependent on their love, and I know they have my back. That path opened again as I write, and it’s good to let it out. Thankfully, tears don’t stain a keyboard as they do paper, where the ink would bleed into pools of blue.

Many young people today are deciding not to have children, or maybe just one. That’s not a good decision for society in my opinion, but it may be for them. Also, no one has or should have kids for the purpose of using or depending on them in old age! But aging without a family is something I could not do very well, and I don’t recommend it. Give of yourself as a parent, and it will be given back generously. Being born, living, and dying are all part of nature’s plan. It’s my belief that having a family is also. Thank you, God, for mine!!

Michael Byron Smith
Author of "The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs"

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The Highway to Success

6/6/2023

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Jagranjosh.com

Success is defined in many ways.

Let’s say success is helping society in a way that also provides happiness and fulfillment to the individual. You may have your own view of success, but let’s go with this one.

But let’s talk not of your success, but how you may help your children reach success. What better way is there to help society through your children! But what makes a kid a successful adult? Some words that come to mind are focus, goals, passion, persistence, desire, and guidance. Some kids are lucky to be born with some or most of these qualities, but all kids need, or could be helped with, mentoring.

Parents can and should provide experiences to their kids in all the activities they have time and money for. This did not happen for me, therefore, I was on my own. Most little boys love airplanes and that’s where I turned for inspiration. That pulled me through to my success, but it was more difficult without other skills, skills that require repetition, encouragement, and simply introduction.

When you watch your kid’s involvement in any activity, you can generally tell if their interest and talent is there. But don’t give up too soon. Well-rounded experiences are good for a well-rounded person. To reach greater heights of success in any endeavor, however, one must attempt to be the hardest working person in that endeavor. When the effort isn’t there, recognize it in time and consider finding another interest/activity to invest in.

Anyone not attempting to be the hardest working person in an activity is either not interested in it or not motivated to be the best. That is a difficult issue to deal with and requires honest evaluation. What if your child has no interest in anything? It could be any number of reasons. Certainly, the mental or physical health of your child could be a factor and should be investigated. Or perhaps, they have yet to find a passion. If a child is so focused on one activity that they ignore everything else, then allow it only if there is a future in it. Usually, there is not. If this is a negative activity, one that is more destructive than helpful, you may have to step in. Addiction to video games, only hanging out with friends, or constant screen time could be negative, while drug use would certainly be obstacles to success. Laziness could also be an issue. It may take medication, counselling, or parental dynamite to solve, if possible. But something needs to be done or real success may never come, or come very late.

Watch closely! How hard are your children working? How much do they care? Your interests may not be their interests, not that you can’t introduce them. Just because they can’t do one thing well, doesn’t mean they don’t have other talents. A butter knife doesn’t work well as a screwdriver or pencil sharpener, but it spreads peanut butter nicely. Kids are like that too. Place them in an environment and situation in which they can not only build confidence but succeed!

Our kids can’t be expected to travel to places we choose for them. No, our job is to teach them the rules of the road, helping them to get there safely, quickly, smoothly and with integrity.

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Understanding "The Power of Dadhood"

4/19/2023

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My granddaughter when TPOD was published

This blog, “Helping Fathers to be Dads” is my way of giving back for all I have been blessed with in my life after a rocky start. Almost all those blessings revolve around my family, especially my core group – my wife, children, and grandchildren. I dream of every family being whole and healthy! If you have issues in other aspects of your life, and we all do, a close-knit and loving family will you get through them with much less anguish.

Families Do Make a Difference - It's HUGE!

It was the stark contrast between my childhood family and my adult family that drove me to write my book on parenting, “The Power of Dadhood”. As a child, my family had no stability, few rules, and little mutual support. On the other hand, as a parent in partnership with my wife, my adult family had stability, many rules, and plenty of mutual support. As a result, clearly and without question, my children were better prepared to handle the challenges of life more than my siblings and I had been. As a child of an unsupportive father I saw and lived through the damage that came to us all as a result. I was determined to do my best to minimize that damage by helping fathers to be the best dads they could be.

Why Focus on Fathers?

Indeed, it is not just the father who makes the difference; it’s the partnership of a father and mother. My concentration, however, is on dads for reasons that are three-fold.

My father was the most responsible for our family’s dire situation.
Fathers, in general, are woefully underappreciated in their parental influence.
I am a child who missed out on positive paternal interaction, and it affected my life and fathering style.

Helping fathers to be dads is the passion of my retirement years. Writing both the blog and book cost me much time and expense, but the return is priceless! If, by reading my book or blog, a father becomes ‘one smile better’, or gives a hug that might not have otherwise happened, or when a child overcomes a challenge through the encouragement of his dad, then I have been compensated beyond words!

Being a parent is difficult! It is even more difficult without sharing lessons learned. Most fathers never read parenting books and often can be good dads without doing so. I doubt, however, that any parent knows everything and many don’t know much. We have to admit this and put some effort to be the best parent possible to the most important people in our lives!

Understanding the Power

Below is the Table of Contents for “The Power of Dadhood”. Look over it and see if you could guess what each chapter will say about the topic. If you have no idea, or if you think you have an idea and want to compare, then beg, borrow, or buy (don’t steal) a copy. Your family is worth it! And that is the understatement of the year!

The Power of Dadhood – Table of Contents

The Implications of Fatherhood

Chapter 1: The Power of Fatherhood (what is it? how does it work?)
Chapter 2: The Absent Father (who is he? where is he?)
Chapter 3: To Be or Not to Be (a father?)
Chapter 4: The Social Implications of an Absent Father (what are the consequences?)

The Challenges of Fatherhood

Chapter 5: The Challenges of Being a Kid (Consider a kid’s point of view)
Chapter 6: The Challenges of Fathering (What are they and how do you address them?)
Chapter 7: The Challenges of the Family (Every family has them)

The Pyramid of Dadhood

Chapter 8: Be There! (Why is this so important?)
Chapter 9: Fathering with Love (Why doesn’t this happen more frequently?)
Chapter 10: Building Strong Children (How does one do this?)

The Pinnacle of the Pyramid

Chapter 11: Nurturing Sons and Daughters (They are different and similar)
Chapter 12: Money versus Success (What is true success?)
Chapter 13: The Rewards and a Confession (A reflection on my fathering)

Appendix A: The Seven Characteristics of a Successful Dad* (What do you think they could be?)
Appendix B: A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist* (Do you have the guts to evaluate yourself as a dad?)

* Essential – if you don’t read books then read (at a minimum) these two appendices!

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The Highway to Success

Understanding "The Power of Dadhood"

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