Blog Archives

Prescriptions for Conquering the Challenge of Social Distancing

3/25/2020

My granddaughters having lunch during homeschooling

Every disadvantage presents opportunities for finding good. Every difficulty has advantages within if you look for them. Concerning isolation or social distancing we have been provided unique opportunities. It could be a home project you could never get to before. Maybe you can find more time to get to know your kids better and what they are thinking. Perhaps you can organize your computer files or write your memoir.

I have some non-medical prescriptions to suggest that hopefully will help during the social distancing phase of the Covid-19 crisis.

Take a drive in the country. Better yet, go there and talk a walk through nature.
Keep informed, but do not watch the news 24-7.
Take advantage of binge-watching a series on TV. Escape is nice.
Home school your children. You will learn as much about them as they will learn from you.
Catch up with friends with dreaded social media. (Social media can be as good or bad as you want to make it)
Read a book or two!
Facetime friends and family
Write a journal. It may of interest to your grandkids when this is in the history books.
If you’re like me, you need to organize your photos.
Blow off the dust on those board games.
Take a course online. I’m watching a ‘Udemy’ course about Photoshop Elements.
Take a walk in your house if you can’t walk outside. It’s easy if you have a circular path or long hallway or a basement in your house.
Dance to Pandora, Spotify, iTunes, or your favorite radio station. Exercise and fun in one activity.
Videoconference with your grandparents, grandkids, or friends using Zoom or another service.
Do a puzzle using https://im-a-puzzle.com/
Use cardboard boxes with holes to play indoor golf with your kids. No drivers!
If you are alone, call somebody or talk to Alexa. (“Alexa, tell me some good news”)
Clean out your closets/garage!
Search for good Podcasts for you and your kids. There are tons! (e.g., Fun Kids Science Weekly )
Catch up on sleep, if possible. Nap when your kids nap, or just enjoy the quiet.
Think about and enjoy the spring weather! It should get better each week.
Do a coordinated drive-by for kids’ friends’ birthdays. Make signs, yell out your windows, and honk your horns! (Already happening in my neighborhood.)
Most good ideas come not from your education but letting your mind rest. Take advantage of the opportunity to push ‘everyday workday’ thoughts out of your head - those that generally take up most of your time.
Stop and think about what you are now missing and miss so you can be grateful when you get it back.

More importantly, the ideas this list provides is a prompt to use your imagination to make lemonade out of this lemon of a virus.

I’m hoping the COVID-19 crisis and requirements for family isolation will connect fathers, mothers, and children like never before. But with that comes the need for patience! Escape to a room to let off any tension you may find building up. Something to consider in advance!

Let’s get through this!
#powerofdadhood

0 Comments

The Surprising Thing About Being a Father

3/23/2020

4 Comments

With my daughter Rachel 12 years ago.

Success is wonderful and so satisfying, and most of us all strive for it. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and success doesn’t always come easily. One of the toughest, yet least prepared for, responsibilities in the world is parenting. We all fail at times. But just remember that failure means you care; while giving up means you don’t care. Your natural abilities have nothing to do with either.

That’s the surprising thing about being a father. You may not know how to change a diaper or say the right things at the right time. You may not be naturally funny or know how to talk to a kid comfortably. Your walls may not be adorned with awards and degrees. Athletic activities may not come naturally to you, or you can’t string two words together that make sense. None of those talents will make you a good father. I don’t deny that any of them can and do help, but they are the adornments. Here’s what is real!

Imagine a barely literate father, holding his toddler on his lap reading, in a halted manner, a children’s book. That’s a real dad! That’s Dadhood at its best.
A father may never change a diaper or get his kids off to school in the morning. He may be an over-the-road truck driver or has long hours as a store owner or a doctor. Maybe he just can’t handle the duty. Sure, that may be a weakness, but it doesn’t define his parenting. His eyes and heart do that.
Words may escape a father, but the right look or a hug can say everything! That’s Dadhood!
Humor is an excellent quality in parenting, but humor doesn’t necessarily mean funny. As much as anything, humor is an attempt to relieve tension. Trying and failing to be funny can be humorous. Dad’s do that a lot. It makes them real!
A saw a dad playing catch with his son in a park. The dad was so awkward at throwing; you could see he never played a sport. I was so proud of this dad! He was trying!
Not every father can or will write a letter or even a decent, loving text to their son or daughter. Many fathers seldom do. But here are two words you can string together, “I care!” You can stretch yourself and string three words together, “I love you!” How about four, “How are you doing?” Real dads do these things, and they don’t have to be Shakespeare.

The surprising thing about being a father is failure becomes irrelevant when he cares. His caring will make up for his shortcomings somehow. A father that gives up trying to be a real dad is a real failure, no matter how funny he is or how fast he can throw a ball or how smart he may be. Children may notice your talents, but they feel your caring nature. That realization and knowing it in your heart will grease the skids for a wonderful Dadhood! The #powerofdadhood is life-changing in the most literal sense!

Search #powerofdadhood on Twitter or Facebook for more.

4 Comments

How to Improve the ‘Formula for Success’

3/16/2020

0 Comments

Photo by author

We all know our children have different personalities. We also know some children have advantages others do not have. I’ll generalize their advantages/disadvantages as their environment. Lastly, both of these factors, ‘personality’ and ‘environment’, drive a child’s expectations. Those factors even drive an adult’s expectations. As parents, we have the responsibility to make their child’s environment as helpful to them as possible and to be aware of the factors of their personality. Here’s why. (Read the summary as a minimum!)

These are my thoughts on Success (S) and Personal Success (PS). I’m speaking from my background as an engineer, a former struggling child, and as a father of three awesome adults. So note, there is no Ph.D. to be found in my resume, just my observations as an interested party on the topic.
Success is an elusive thing to evaluate because it means different things with different criteria for everyone.

Environment (E) includes such things as family, friends, mentors, neighborhoods, schools, and accepted social standing. By ‘accepted social standing,’ I mean what an individual thinks there standing is despite what others may think it is.
Personality (P) includes, but not limited to, energy, desire, passion, intellect, goal seeking, attitude, ability to plan, introversion or extroversion, and perseverance.
Expectations (Ex) compare where you are aiming to where you end up

The relative influence of Environment vs. Personality differs for everyone, it is clear that when one factor is low, the other factor must be strong to achieve Success.

Note: Those who don’t like math can skip all the equations and read the words.

Success = Environment X Personality

Personal Success = (Environment X Personality)/Expectations, OR
PS = S/Ex

High expectations for your personal Success makes that Success more difficult to achieve. (e.g, a General, CEO, or a movie star)
Lower expectations for your personal Success makes that Success easier to achieve. (e.g., a Sergeant, middle manager, or supporting actor)

Three Examples of the Success Formula

Example 1: Low E, High P = High S, Average PS

A distracted single mother raises a young man with no fatherly influence. This young man’s environment rating would be low because of the family environment and a lack of mentoring. It could also be low value friends surround him.
On the other hand, this young man has a passion. He has the intellect and attitude to achieve his passion. His Personality rating would be high, and despite his low environment rating, his chance for Success is good!
His chances for personal Success (PS), in his judgment will depend on his meeting his top goal. He could be a success (S) as a Colonel but feel a lower personal success (PS) because his goal was General.

Example 2: High E, Low P = Low S, High PS

A young woman is brought up by loving and reasonable parents. She goes to good schools and has no social disadvantages. Her environment is high.

However, this young woman is self-centered and lazy. She doesn’t do her homework if she’s not interested in it and lives day-to-day.

Her chances for Success are not very high, but she could feel like she has personal Success as her expectations were low, never having a goal or desire to grow. She may be a sales associate when she could have been a manager or higher.

Example 3: High E, High P = High S, Average PS

I’ve only provided two examples of the multiple combinations of factors that result in a likelihood of Success (S) and personal Success (PS), but here is one more interesting example!

There is a wealthy and successful man whose name I don’t recall. He teaches entrepreneurial skills through his schools all across the world, helping thousands to become successful themselves. While his Success (S) is very high, he has a lower opinion of his Personal Success (PS), the reason being his extremely high expectations for himself. And why are his expectations so high? What is his standard? His roommate in college was Elon Musk. He compares himself to his roommate and not to someone like me.

Some successful people feel like failures because someone they respect has had more Success, or a loved one has demanded more Success from them. Neither instance should steal personal Success from them.

Summary

Success is really in the eye of the beholder. When that eye looks in the mirror, maybe Personal Success is more important, regardless of potential. We have choices and opportunities. Successful individuals make smart choices and are aware of the opportunities afforded them. If you are making a positive difference in the world, you are successful. If you enjoy that Success, then you are personally successful.

How to help:

Environment: parents have the responsibility to make their child’s environment as helpful to them as possible. Education, health, safety, encouragement, etc.
Personality: be aware of your child’s strengths and weaknesses. Encourage strength, give help with any weaknesses, and get them professional advice when necessary.
Expectations: This is a tricky one. A parent wants to encourage them to do their best. But don’t put pressure on them to overachieve because it will backfire. Everyone can be the best meeting their capabilities, but not everyone can be a rocket scientist, brain surgeon, or best-selling author.

Note: PS = S/Ex (no, I did not intend to have Sex in this article, but if it drives you to read it, okay!)

0 Comments

Why You Shouldn’t Treat All Kids the Same

3/9/2020

0 Comments

In my previous Helping Fathers to be Dads blog article, I published ‘A Dads Creed.’ One of the principles was ‘do not treat all your kids the same.’ I’d like to expand on that thought a bit because, on the surface, it seems like the right thing to do. However, the reason we don’t treat all kids the same is that they aren’t the same.

I would like to tell you about two families. In one family were three sisters who had irresponsible parents into drugs and alcohol. The girls had little guidance outside of their grandmother. All are now adults, except one who has recently died of heart failure at 45 years brought on by drug use. Her life was also one of irresponsibility, having children of her own out of wedlock but not raising them. Her older sister is also a drug abuser, living on a disability income due to her lifestyle. Her future remains bleak, having close calls with her health, all self-imposed. The youngest of the three took a completely different path. She chose responsibility for herself, went to college, and became a teacher. She is now happily married to a nice man, and they have beautiful children.

In the second family were three children, two boys, and a girl. This family appeared to be normal and responsible. The father was a coach for their sports teams, and the mom was lovely and caring. They even were kind to their children’s friends who were not so fortunate, taking them camping and to various activities at their expense. This family seemed to have many advantages doing the right things for their kids. However, the oldest boy was shot to death, being in a place he should not have been. The younger boy was deeply into drugs and died of an overdose at 40 years of age. The daughter’s life, while not perfect, did not get into the troubled her brothers did, but lives a lonely life.

Unpredictably, the youngest daughter of the first family succeeded despite her upbringing. Also unpredictable in the second family was the fate of the two boys, both failing in society and dying tragically. I don’t know if either set of parents treated all their children the same. I would guess they did – especially the first family, not giving proper attention to any of the three. The second family did many things right as parents, on the surface, but did they really know their children as individuals?

Of the six, the youngest girl in the first dysfunctional family was the most successful. Why? Some children indeed succeed in life despite serious disadvantages, while others fail while seemingly having a proper start in life. But that is not my point. I use these examples to explain that all parents should recognize that they are raising individuals. Sometimes you get lucky – sometimes you do not. It shouldn’t be left up to chance.

Some parenting techniques are well proven. My favorites are being involved in their children’s lives, being fun when appropriate, consistency, having principles, being loving, having some passion for parenting, and being balanced in all of those areas. But the balance is not between the children – treating them equally; it’s your balanced treatment of each child as an individual. Your involvement may need to be less (or more) depending on the child. Being consistent is your consistent treatment with each child – so they know what to expect from you. Your principles, love, and passion should be equal for all.

So why do we treat each child fairly but differently? Let’s tell it like it is;

Some kids need a push while some need to be reeled in.
Some kids are book smart, while some are smart in daily life.
Some kids are extroverts, while some are introverts.
Some kids are leaders, while some are followers.
Some kids have inborn principles, while others need more direction.
Some kids are over-active, while others are docile.
Some kids are sensitive, while others act tough.
Some kids are creative, while others are doers.
Some kids are loving, while some are more stand-offish.
Some kids are cute, while some are not as cute.
Some kids trust too little while others trust too much.
Some kids are lazy, while others get things done.
Some kids want attention, while others don’t want any.
Some kids are loveable more than others.
Some kids are open to learning, while others resist it.
Some kids are independent, while others are needier.

Many kids have aspects on both sides of the characteristics above. Most are one a sliding scale from left to right that often moves. All kids are a combination of these characteristics, and those combinations are in the multiples of thousands. The list above is why parenting is so tricky and should never be practiced casually or cavalierly. What you sincerely want to do is to treat all your children (and everyone) as fairly as you can. But you really won’t be doing that if you treat them all the same. Good luck!

#powerofdadhood

0 Comments

A Dadhood Creed

3/2/2020

0 Comments

Thoughts from "The Power of Dadhood"

I came across a famous quote by Rev. William J. H. Boetcke which has often been incorrectly attributed to President Abraham Lincoln. When I saw the quote, one of my favorites, it reminded me of the principles in my book on parenting, The Power of Dadhood. I thought it might work to summarize some of the principles in 'Dadhood' in a similar fashion to Rev. Boetcke's statements.

These 131 words will not be all you need to be a good parent. It would be akin to floating in the ocean and claiming you know everything about the sea. But if it makes you think, that's a good thing. For instance, you may consider treating all your children the same as a good thing. That's not the same as treating them all fairly. Every child is a separate human being with different needs. Some kids need to be pushed while others need to be pulled back. Disagreeing with anything in the creed should encourage you to delve more deeply into the topic.

Raising your children successfully, with principles, may not bring you fortune and fame, but it will give your children a great start in life and bring to you and your family a good name.

by Rev. William J. H. Boetcke

0 Comments

Prescriptions for Conquering the Challenge of Social Distancing

The Surprising Thing About Being a Father

How to Improve the ‘Formula for Success’

​Why You Shouldn’t Treat All Kids the Same

A Dadhood Creed

Archives

Categories

Why You Shouldn’t Treat All Kids the Same