MichaelByronSmith: The Power of Dadhood
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​Do You Know Your Kids?

7/6/2020

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​Of course, you know your children. You likely know most of what they think, feel, or believe when they are preteens, but that knowledge declines as they age. Can I prove that? Do I need to prove it?

As your children grow, they become their own person. That’s what we all want. However, if you care for them, you should keep in touch with what they are learning outside the home. As your influence as a parent decreases, influence from others increases. On its own, that is neither good nor bad. Everything they learn will not come from you. That’s natural. On the other hand, some things they learn could be harmful to them or your relationship with them.

​Let’s look at three tough situations:

Example One:

A boy is raised in a racist home. He hears things that tend to make him believe his parents’ prejudiced views. This boy escapes home and learns from others the evils of racism and changes his thoughts on the topic. He is now uncomfortable in the presence of his parents. They notice a change in him but don’t know why. Can they have a civil discussion?

Example Two:

A girl is raised to believe America, with all its faults, is a wonderful place to be a citizen. Since evil exists in the world, nowhere is perfect, but your best chances in life are within the borders of the US. This girl goes to college and hears from professors that America is an unfair country backed up with countless facts and incidents that prove it. She wonders why her parents ‘lied’ to her. Why are they so far behind the ‘truth’? Do her parents know what is going on with her?

Example Three:

An eighteen-year-old daughter of a pro-life couple becomes pregnant. She doesn’t want them to know of her unplanned pregnancy. Her friends tell an abortion is a way out. Do the parents have any idea of her possible actions or the influence of her friends? Would the parents help her to make her own decision? Do they trust each other?  

The answers to those three examples depend on those involved and their relationships to all concerned. But being open, trusting, and communicative at all times may prevent any of these situations from getting out of hand.

When I ask, "do you know your children?", that’s not asking, “do you control them?” We should not control our children, but we should guide them and be engaged with them as they grow into adults. They will be inundated with information from friends, schools, social media, and the entertainment industry, etc. and, therefore, less and less by you. Understand what they are hearing and believing, not to change them or yourselves necessarily, but to give everyone a chance to be understood.

There are almost always partial truths to every argument, and they can clash. Explore every facet of those arguments. Communication is the key, and it works best when the conversation begins early - before the distance between your separate beliefs become non-negotiable. It could very well be that through communication, you can bring each other closer to an area of compromise where all can better understand each position. Rarely is there 100% right or wrong on either side.

It’s tough to be accused by your children of having taught them improperly or to have a position on a topic they consider wrong. It’s tough for children to accused of having been influenced or brainwashed by people with an opposing agenda. Neither accusation will happen to the degree of a strained relationship if both parties don’t drift too far apart.

Talk, listen, and ask questions. If you do not, your future relationships will be compromised.

​#powerofdadhood

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It Depends on What You Mean by 'Happy'

1/13/2020

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I don’t think being happy should be a goal - unless you’re a kid. I believe happy should be a result or by-product of something worthwhile. Here are my beliefs on happiness within a family!

When I was a young boy, there was not much to be happy about. But there were a few months I look back on that were simply joyous! The key to my contentment in those few months was being carefree. For a child, being carefree is synonymous with happiness. But what allows a child to be carefree discounting their groans of ‘who gets to go first,’ or ‘that’s not fair’? Its parents loving, nurturing, and protecting them - and each other.

Parents, on the other hand, don’t have the luxury of being carefree. Having a family to protect and raise is one of life’s most precious gifts and most harrowing responsibilities. Aristotle said, “Happiness depends upon ourselves.” I’m assuming Aristotle intended this quote for adults because most kids are not ready for that kind of mature thinking. Adults do have to depend on themselves to do what’s right and accept what they can’t control. So how do parents find happiness? I believe they find it by successfully meeting their responsibilities and goals!

The following is an excerpt from a memoir I am currently writing. I use it here to demonstrate the pure happiness I had as a child, and why it happened for a few months in 1958 when I was eight-years-old.


The House with a Big Tree

“He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home.”
~ Johann von Goethe, German poet

I wonder about the reminiscences of those who were fortunate enough to have somewhat more conventional families and lives. What stayed with them? Do those memories make them smile? If it’s anything like the few months we lived in a small house with a big tree in Caseyville, Illinois, then I understand how wonderful it can be to live happily with an unburdened heart creating memories to cherish!

My personal Shangri-La passed much too quickly in the late 1950s. I remember the joy, the carefree feelings of waking in the morning, and promptly running outside to find my friends, not willing to miss one minute of fun being outdoors. There were times when I didn’t want to go home for lunch because I didn’t want to interrupt the joy. I remember the house, the curving, dead-end, street on which we lived, and the big tree which we climbed; it may have been an oak shading our front yard. I remember my brown and white, shaggy mutt, named Frisky, and how he would meet me halfway between the school bus stop and home. I had a bike and friends with which to ride. Nothing ever planned, but each day burst with activity for my brother Steve and me. At that particular time in my childhood, home life was what ‘normal’ was for most. I had a brother two years younger, two toddler sisters, and a newborn brother. My mom stayed at home with us, and my dad worked as a truck driver for a decent salary. We rented a small but comfortable four-room house with station wagon less than five years old in the driveway. Most importantly, however, I remember that there was something near peacefulness in my home.
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It was during this short period of family bliss in Caseyville, Illinois that a rare, almost unique, father-son occasion occurred that I will never forget. I had somehow discovered a love of baseball. Up to this time, I had rarely played in pick-up games, but I enjoyed following the St. Louis Cardinals in the ‘Big Show.’ I always listened to their games on the radio, visualizing the action the voices were describing. The discussions between plays taught me the game and a love of conversation. One night my mom suggested to my dad to take me to watch the Cardinals at Sportsman’s Park, recently renamed Busch Stadium for the new owner, August Busch. To actually see the ballpark and players described every summer night by Harry Caray rarely crossed my mind. It was my make-believe world! One evening, my father surprisingly accepted my Mom’s request and took me to see the Cardinals play. Not surprisingly, we got there late and left early. Dad was not a sports fan in the least, but I was so thankful that he took me!

Beyond my expectations were the beautiful, lush, green grass on the field, the size of the enormous scoreboard in left field, and an impressive Anheuser-Busch sign with an eagle poking his head through an ’A’ that prominently flapped its wings when a Cardinal hit a home run. I don’t remember the Cardinals opponents that night, but I do remember seeing outfielder Wally Moon hit a home run, prompting the eagle to flap its stuttering wings atop the scoreboard while a bright red bird flew neon- sign-to-neon-sign behind the left-field stands. It was a special night! To this day, I struggle to talk openly about this memory without welling and tearing up.
 

I stop there because I want to stay positive. This wonderful time of my childhood came about for two reasons. 1) My father had stopped drinking and was taking care of his family. 2) Because of this sober hiatus of his, I was allowed to be carefree. The fairy tale didn’t last because he started being irresponsible once more, and the carefree days gave in to worry. The few months of bliss was due to a simple formula – responsible parents allowing kids to be carefree.

Summary

I think blind, unadulterated, unearned happiness is for children to enjoy – i.e., when the circumstances allow it. For parents, there is work to do because there is no earned happiness without overcoming challenges. But being a parent is the perfect challenge to seize upon, working through frustrations, hard days and nights, crises, and multiple failures. Then seeing the rewards coming on the other side of all that, happiness will be assured. I know just seeing my children and grandchildren happy is all I need!

Happiness is not getting a full-house; it’s getting a house that’s full of love and caring. It is simply a by-product of doing something good for another.

​#powerofdadhood
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​Help is not always Good; Limitations are not always Bad!

10/14/2019

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When we have kids, we want them to be happy and prosperous. That’s a wonderful goal, but the problem is how to go about that. Some parents grease the skids for their children, thinking it will make success more likely for them. Other parents want their children to succeed but don’t do much to make that happen, either by choice (usually unconsciously) or inability in terms of time or money. A complication to all this question of nurturing is the variation in personalities. Some kids need a kick in the rear, some need simple encouragement, and others are a real challenge.

In my book, The Power of Dadhood, I bring up a question that you should ask yourself before you decide whether or not to help your child in any endeavor. It doesn’t matter if they are a toddler or an adult. The question is this, “Will your help make them stronger or weaker”? I ask this is because both are possible. One attains strength in the face of resistance. Helping too much at the wrong time will rob them of the resistance they need to overcome an obstacle and, therefore, rob them of attainable strength.

On the other hand, not helping enough can rob them of an opportunity to meet a resistance in the first place. The factor is often fear! Fears, unaddressed, can be fatal to success and happiness. Holding a child’s hand, either literally or figuratively, can be the help that will make them stronger by assisting them in conquering a particular fear. This help is accomplished with small, carefully managed, chunks of exposure.

As a child, I had a fear of people. This fear wasn’t actually of people, but the fear of not being accepted by people. I could have easily defeated my fear with exposure, but without exposure there would be no victory over this fear. Because I faced this fear alone, it took years to overcome. Help from a mentor would have made me stronger in this example, not weaker.

To those who grease the skids for kids, I say this. Would anyone be happy without some limitations? Of course, we don’t necessarily want limitations, and any worthwhile individual will work to remove them. But if we have nothing to challenge us, it is as if we were in a utopia. My dictionary defines ‘utopia’ as an ideal place or state. What is more ideal than having no limitations?

My answer to the above question is this - ‘having limitations’ is more ideal! Happiness is tough to define or even achieve. What can be done to work around the notion of happiness is to have a challenge or responsibility. Having a mission in life will give one focus. The best purposes in life are those that confront limitations. Defeating limitations is a pathway to self-respect if not happiness. Don’t take away the challenge of a limitation when your child can beat it on his or her terms.

Summary

Helping someone is good or bad, depending on when and how one carries it out. Limitations are useful when you can rally to defeat them. Parents are good-to-awesome when they can judge what their children need and let then find it themselves whenever possible. But parents also need to be there to catch a child in a fall and provide assistance to get them back on track. It takes a lot of thought to be a good parent. Having an idea of when helping a child will make them stronger or weaker is vital.
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Do You Have a Hero?

10/7/2019

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PictureThe children of the military are Little Patriots that serve our country through their parents.
I’ve thought about who may be the most positive person involved in my youth, a mentor who encouraged me, or was an example of the kind of person I want to be. Unfortunately, that person wasn’t in my immediate family. My mom came the closest because she did inspire and praise me in my efforts to get an education and the life I wanted. But my mom could not be a male role model, nor was she going in a direction that I would ever want to follow. My Uncle Bob, a wonderful man, could have been that person, but he lived in Oregon, and I only knew him when I lived there a few months as a young boy. Undoubtedly, I had teachers that I could have been role models, but I never knew them long enough to follow their lead or heed their advice.

Mentors are people that teach by example. We all need mentors as we grow through different stages of life, but especially when we are young. Children aren’t good judges of their mentors; therefore, they may follow any example, good or bad. My father was absent most of my life, and when he was around, he was typically drunk and an embarrassment. It’s a shame because my father, when sober, was quite interesting, smart, and a gentleman. But the moments where I looked upon my dad as someone to admire was shattered continuously by the drunk he could become and did become over and over again.

My substitute hero became the actor, Jimmy Stewart. I’m not sure what it was that first attracted me to Mr. Stewart. I think it may have been a common interest we had in aviation. That interest was key in his acceptance of movie roles like “The Spirit of St. Louis” and “Strategic Air Command.”  He also played George Bailey in my favorite movie of all time, “It’s A Wonderful Life”. As I watched him in these and other movies, I became enamored by the type of characters he played. Typically, he was honorable, shy, and did the right thing. I dreamed of being like the characters he played in the movies, and even more importantly, the man he was in real life!

James Stewart was a real-life pilot in the Army Air Corps/U.S. Air Force and insisted on going into combat when he could have made recruiting films. Returning from the war in late 1945, Mr. Stewart insisted that his military exploits, which included many combat missions and numerous decorations, not be publicized. I was impressed by that kind of humility. You would have to look far and wide and still not find anyone who would say anything disparaging about him. Once he married, later than most, he remained faithful although admired by many of his female co-stars.

Once, on a business trip to Los Angeles, I drove by the house he lived in for years. Unlike the big mansions behind gates and hidden by vegetation where most stars lived, Jimmy Stewart’s home was on a typical street in Beverly Hills, accessible by anyone who would have walked up to the door. Yes, his was the model I wanted to follow, big shoes to fill for sure, but I loved the challenge.

A disadvantage of having a distant hero is the inability to ask questions or to be reassured when doubts arise. But having someone to look up to, to imagine what your hero would do, is a comfort and a direction in which to look.

Where to find them?

The idea of a substitute father/hero is a good one, but it comes with the danger of misplacing one’s trust with someone whose values are not the best or don’t gel with your personality and goals. Misplaced trust happens too often with young men without boundaries. For instance, joining a gang is often how a young man chooses to belong, emulating the behavior of the men in that gang, most of whom are barely older and have the same identity issues. Sometimes boys in a father-deprived situation like I was look up to hyper-masculine movie heroes who mislead them about real life and being a man. 

A wonderful place to go to find a substitute hero is Big Brothers (now called ‘Big Brothers, Big Sisters’), an organization I volunteered for while I was in the Air Force.  Their Mission is to ‘provide children facing adversity with strong and enduring, professionally supported one-to-one relationships that change their lives for the better, forever’.

The young man for whom I was a Big Brother was nine years old, had long hair, and very quiet. We went fishing, bowling, and to the movies. I went to his ballgames and bought him ice cream. We talked as much as I could get him to talk. I did the things I wish my father had done. While I was a young mid-twenties male with self-confidence issues myself, to him, I was a successful jet pilot in the U.S. Air Force. Did he seem impressed? Not really, he didn’t even ask me about flying. But that was not why I was there. I was there to show him he was important and spending time with him proved that. I let him know my dad was not there for me, just like his dad wasn’t there for him. And I became what I wanted to be . . . just like he could become what he wanted to be.

Summary
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The power of example is an awesome one. We can’t let young men stumble into the wrong places to find their models. Boys thrive on the ideals of service and sacrifice when they have the right examples to follow. I challenge all men to be available to boys who need guidance and encouragement. Young people are our most precious resource, and we must protect our future. 
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​Escape through Planning, A Short Story

9/30/2019

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PictureAuthor around 6 yrs
Sometimes we feel trapped. Trapped by circumstances that make us feel weak and frustrated. This challenge is true for parents and their children. The first step necessary to escape from this feeling or circumstance is to have a goal, something for which to strive. Usually, a goal involves a specific desired situation, but sometimes a goal is just relief.

To escape any situation or to move to a better situation, you must have a plan. A convict who wants to escape from prison studies guard schedules, finds or fabricates tools, coordinates with outside forces, creates trusts, any myriad of things to find the plan the will best work to escape. But without a plan that continues after the escape, he will end up right back in prison.

Escape from my childhood chaos eventually became a reality because I had a plan. I didn’t consciously say to myself, “I need a plan”, but fortunately I had a broad, loose plan that worked. Basically, the unconscious plan was, ‘you become what you think about’, and with those thoughts, you hope you are helped by providence to do the things that will get you there. Outside of that, I had no real plan nor did I understand its significance, but before a plan there must be a goal. Escape, as it inspired the convict, in itself is a goal! And a darned good one because escape infers you are someplace you don’t want to be.
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In my book, ‘The Power of Dadhood’, I wrote about four steps to reach a goal.
  1. Know yourself well. Know and accept your desires and capabilities.
  2. Decide clearly and honestly where you want to go.
  3. Develop a plan to get there.
  4. Have the right attitude to keep your plan in action.

Expanding on the above:
  1. It’s essential to know yourself well! That means not overstating or understating your abilities. You’re not going to be an astronaut if you have bad eyesight, nor will you be an astronaut if you think you are not astronaut material (even if you are).
  2. Deciding where you want to go is the goal. As stated, it must be clear and an honest desire. Without those qualities, you are very unlikely to reach that goal.
  3. Planning is where most people fail. They want but don’t act. They act but act inconsistently or in the wrong direction. Or they act in the right direction but give up at the first failure. All plans must have room for failure baked in. Actions include reactions - positive reactions!​
  4. Attitude is the force the pushes the plan through. It is the reaction that overcomes failure. If you lose a positive attitude, you lose….period.

A Short Story of Escape

In my transition from a meek, nervous kid, to an officer flying jet aircraft for the US Air Force, I loosely employed every step above. By loosely, I mean I didn’t know these things when I was a kid. No one had taught me these things. 
  • I did not know myself well. I undervalued myself immensely. But I did have a burning desire.
  • Here I was strong. I knew clearly and honestly, where I wanted to go. I wanted to be a pilot!
  • I had no plan. I had no idea how I was going to become a pilot. What I did have were two things that served as my plan for many years. I thought about it all the time. And I think ‘you become what you think about’. Secondly, I did my best in school. It was the only thing I had control over – and it served me well.
  • Attitude – I didn’t have the best attitude because I was so unsure of myself. But attitude comes in many forms. My attitude was fueled by my desire. Desire pushed me forward, but it did not fill me with confidence. That made it a difficult journey. Nevertheless, my schooling kept my plan in action until help arrived. Magically, support seems to arrive to help anyone who works towards a reasonable goal with determination and demonstrated effort and unending desire. My help came in the form of an academic scholarship to college. The scholarship allowed me to join Air Force ROTC, then the Air Force, then USAF Undergraduate Pilot Training. I got the wings I had dreamed of as a little boy.
Summary
I was very fortunate to reach my goal. It all could have been so much easier, and I may have gone further had I had help and direction. My father was absent by choice, and my mother was absent by necessity. The good fortune of having a goal made my escape successful. And, speaking of goals, the goal of this article is to make parents aware that they can teach their children helping them to help themselves. Any child that can understand and follow the advice above will surely have a force behind them. Not only a force of knowledge, but the resources of caring parents.
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Author at 23 yrs
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​A Manifesto on Citizenship for Our Youth

9/9/2019

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In a way, being born in the US is dangerous to your psyche. No, I’m not talking about the seven counties in the US where 90% of murders take place. (Studies show how murders in the United States are heavily concentrated in very small areas. Few appreciate how much of the US has no murders each year.  Murder isn’t a nationwide problem.  It’s a problem in a very small set of urban areas, and any solution must reduce those murders. Most of us are safe!) Nor am I talking about the San Andres Fault in the West, Tornado Alley of the Mid-West, or the Hurricanes on the East Coast. No, I’m talking about the virtual smugness of those citizens who do not know they are among the .0000001 percent (chose your number of leading zeroes) of the most fortunate of ALL the lives of previous generations in history - to now be living in today’s World and especially in the United States of America.

The danger lies in an inherited lack of appreciation (sometimes taught) of the good the United States and the World have painstakingly brought to all of us. It seems many, especially our youth, focus on our evils, past and present – and indeed they exist. We should never stop trying to make both our World and the US better - there is much work to do! But we need discovery and understanding of the past, and more balance in our views, before sounding off uninformed or too critical of the opinions of others.

In the Shoes of Others

It’s not just complacency that takes place in many of us; it extends into a lack of appreciation for the battles, verbal and physical, that influential citizens of the past have taken on at great expense to get to our standard of living today.  A great number of young people believe that America is evil because we once had slavery. Yes, slavery is awful and good citizens fought to rid us of that terrible injustice with great sacrifice. Some say we are a terrible country for not allowing women to vote until a few decades ago. True! Good citizens marched and got that changed. Or maybe we are an evil country for getting involved in the affairs of other countries - even when invited. Many mistakes occurred in this area, yet what would the world be like if China or Russia were the most powerful nation in the world? I believe that when the US made mistakes or had bad policies as a country, they were just that, not a means to take over the world. Where, after all, have we stayed to rule? Not Germany, Japan, Viet Nam, Iraq, etc.
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My point is the self-righteousness of those who forget what our ancestors have overcome. It’s straightforward, today, to say women should have the right to vote. It was not so easy at the turn of the century for reasons of historical factors and the traditions of the day. To end slavery, hundreds of thousands had to die, mostly those not under bondage of slavery. Think twice if you think we, in this softer generation, could have done better or got it done faster.

Think Before You Drink the Kool-Aid 
 
I may be confusing you. On the one hand, I’m saying we don’t appreciate what the citizens of the past have done to overcome certain inequities. That’s true! On the other hand, I’m implying that our citizens of today should hesitate before fighting real and perceived injustices. Of course we should fight, as others before us have! But understand first the 'what and why'. What are the injustices? Some are well worth the fight; others we perceive in the light of rabble-rousing or are very low in comparative importance. I can only have my own opinion, and you should have yours – not someone else’s. If you are right-leaning or left-leaning, you will find many on the opposite end of your ideals. Most of the time their views are honestly held.

Here’s the thing! Study before you come to an opinion. Think before you act. Give before you take. Understand before you criticize. Don’t assume. Think about your opposition’s reasoning. Yes you can disagree, but maybe you will have a modicum of understanding for what brought them to their position. Here’s an extreme, perhaps an unpopular, example.

An Islamic terrorist does not see him or herself as a terrorist. In their minds, they are a champion for Allah. And that ‘fable’ (my strong opinion) of 72 virgins at your service upon self-sacrifice is exciting at the least.  This conviction is what these people are taught and believe from birth by people they love and trust. We are fighting their beliefs, not so much them.

Another consideration is personality attributes of which there are many. Some of us are agreeable, and some are not. Some of us are conscientious while others are more creative. Some believe in self-responsibility because that’s in their social DNA. They don’t understand people who seemingly don’t care for themselves. Others want to help everyone, even those who won’t help themselves. So, if one person believes in giving to the homeless, and others don’t, it’s not a matter of being right or wrong, it’s often a matter of your personality and background. It takes much convincing to change your beliefs on victimhood, the evils of society, or conservative/progressive thought in general.

Young adults put too much faith in listening to those around them before they think for themselves. Places this happens are the home, churches, mosques, temples, military, schools, and universities. Even those in gangs allow the gang to think for them. How many of these places teach you to think for yourself? Not many. It takes time and experience to shake the beliefs of others that aren’t indeed your own. Again, the intentions of these groups are usually excellent and not intentionally bad, but it is worthwhile to look with a critical eye and ask many questions with an open and judging mind.

We are always correct in our minds. We can’t always trust our thoughts or judgments. For instance, there is a major political issue about which I have changed my opinion. My old opinion made so much sense until I talked to a friend with a different view. His explanation made more sense to me than the reactive idea I had before. I’ve had other discussions where my mind was not changed. These discussions are valuable because many factors are considered, leading one to more or less faith in their stance. That is important!

Principles

As previously mentioned, don’t take until you’ve provided. When you are very young, most of your thoughts, lifestyle, and beliefs and been provided to you. To spout those things forward is not credible until you have thought for yourself, supported your own lifestyle, and have your rationalized reasoning for your beliefs. Learn by doing, volunteering, giving back, reading history, understanding people and personality. Spend a year working before going to college. Live by your self-provided means. Support your country through community volunteering or the military. If you go to college, go to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer, architect, scientist, teacher, etc. These are things that require further education. You can learn most other topics, not all of course, on your own – and save tons of money! If you go college to be an artist, dancer, social worker, activist, or actor, then consider these to be gifts to society. We need these people and should support them and enjoy them. It’s usually not, however, a way to earn a comfortable living. Know that! Make your choices with targets for which you are aiming your life.

Summary

Study before you come to an opinion. Think before you act. Understand before you criticize. Don’t assume. As an adult, don’t ‘take’ until you’ve ‘provided’. If you still ‘take’ and you are 26 years of age, you are still a child. It’s not all about YOU. When you understand that, YOU will like yourself more, as will others. These are ideals I hope my children learned from me. I already know one or two have a few differing opinions than me and that is a good sign.

If you agree with these words, do so because you came to your thought-out conclusion. If you don’t, here’s your chance to give these words consideration, at the least - or argue your point.
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PS. Next week I will put forth some substantial proof of how much better off we are than our ancestors, even our parents.
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​When Kids Say "No Fair"

7/29/2019

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 Kids love to say “No fair!” when decisions or incidents don’t go their way. But is life fair? The further we are from being in control, the less fair life can be. Within the family, life can be and usually is fairer but not always in the eyes of the children. They are experiencing life and learning how it works. It’s a good lesson to emphasize within the family how life can often be unfair. Certainly, life is not always fair in the big world in which they will be living - so spare your children the shock!

It can be a depressing thought when someone learns life is not fair. Christians teach that “good works” alone will not get them into heaven. On the face of it, not being rewarded for being a good person seems like the ultimate example of unfairness. But looking for a reward is not why you should be helpful and kind. Some do good things, mostly for recognition. When we see people that don’t seek recognition for the good they do, we appreciate them even more. Being treated fairly for being kind is not the goal, nor should it be expected. Being in control of your life is much more important than looking for fairness.

Acceptance is Freeing

When anyone accepts that life is not fair and never should be expected to be so, it eases their resentment, it takes away victim mentality, we accept the fact we can’t fix everything or help everyone, good things are appreciated, bad situations are less stressful and we can move on quite quickly from disappointment.

Fairness is a gift, not a right. While laws give us our rights, not expecting ‘fairness’ gives us our peace. Fairness is in our lives, only as we live it and accept it from others. Fortunately, there is a lot of fairness in our world, and we are blessed to have it. Generally, we take turns, allow merging traffic, return lost or forgotten items, watch out for others, pay our taxes, help our neighbors, and more. But we are not equally smart, fast, healthy, creative, diligent, or beautiful. Sometimes that will seem unfair, and maybe it is. But remember the Serenity Prayer. It says all you have to know to be able not to be burdened by unfairness.

Summary

Life is not fair! And the sooner you teach this to your children, the more they will learn to live with this fact. In the process, they will be less angry, more accepting, and more apt to be in control of their situation in life. This lesson is one of the best ways to teach and achieve maturity in those you love and want to be successful. It's a lesson that must be taught over and over until it sinks in.

​#powerofdadhood
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Dads, Seven Things to Consider When Raising Kids

7/1/2019

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,​I’m a grandfather who, upon retirement, is looking back at fatherhood hoping to help fathers of today. I loved being a dad, but it took me a bit of time to figure it out. I was incentivized by what I had missed as a kid, so I’ve thought about it quite a bit. These are seven things to consider when raising kids.

1.       Wink, smile, look at them in a way they can feel the love.

Most dads say “I love you” to their kids, but some never do. For those of us that do, it can get to be routine. That’s not to imply you should stop saying it, but there are other ways of saying I love you that pierce right into their hearts! Special moments can arise where just eye contact and a smile will let them know you care. And sometimes we forget a loving touch like hug or pat on the back. And oddly enough, disciplining can also show love because you are molding them, helping them to be their best.

2.       Don’t treat all your kids the same.

Have you heard of the “average” kid? Well, he/she does not exist! The average kid is a statistic. Of course, you will find common traits in kids such as being, shy, active, loud, picky, anxious, careless; it goes on and on. You can’t treat kids the same. Your interactions should be tailored to their needs because every kid is different socially, regarding behavior, intellectually, etc. Yes, all children should all be treated fairly, but it would not be fair to treat them all the same!

3.       Your children want to be disciplined.

You kids will fight you and challenge you at every turn--until they know the routine. If you are consistent, they will know arguing is useless, and they won’t do it after a while. As they get older, there will be rules they don’t care for, and they will try to talk you out of them. “You must be home by 11 PM,” you say. “But dad, my friends can stay out until midnight!” Sometimes you can and should give in, but if you have hard and fast, but reasonable rules, then stick to them. The rules tell them you care enough about them that you want them to grow safely into responsible adults. Their ego will be angry, but their true self will love you!

4.       You are not your wife.

You are a dad, a man. You are not their mother, a woman. You are different and teach different things in different ways. Of course, parents must discuss discipline and values, compromise if necessary, and be on the same page on essential factors. But do things with your kids that their mom wouldn’t do. Have unique, personal routines with your kids. Be yourself. If one parent lets misbehavior slide, then the other parent may need to be more responsible. When these styles balance within the family, it works much better than both being easy going--or both being tough all the time. But never work against each other as parents! 

5.      Children will watch what you do more than what you say.

Your kids are very observant. They pick up your habits very quickly - the way you talk, the way you treat people, the way you treat your wife. Most importantly, they will notice if you keep your word. If your words match your actions, then you are reinforcing their belief in you. When you do, they will learn that words have meaning. When you back up what you say, then they will know to listen!

6.       Don’t ever involve your children in your marital issues.

No matter how old, never complain to your kids about their mom. They may know about what you’re unhappy about, but they don’t want to hear it from you. Why upset your children about something in which they have no say or have no fault? When you complain to them, you are the one that doesn’t look good in their eyes.

7.       Pay special attention. Seemingly everyday moments can bring such joy - now and in the future.

I have memory gaps involving each of my children. Some periods of their lives are difficult to recall. You, yourself, may not remember your son playing violin one year, or that your daughter was in a school play. Your children’s first days of school, the names of their best friends, their smiles on Christmas morning are all precious times and facts that deserve remembering. Although we shouldn’t live in the past, we also shouldn’t be without a story. The stories of the family will warm you when you are in your last days.  A lost memory of a special moment is worse than almost any object lost. Therefore, take photos, tell stories of the past to keep them alive, don’t miss special occasions, and when you do things with your kids be there all the way, in mind and spirit. Not doing this will result in forgetting certain moments which would have smiles to your lips and warmed your heart.

Summary

These are things I learned as a dad. I failed at times on all of them as you will likely do as well. But if we keep these thoughts in mind, our failures will be minimized, and our roles as fathers will be of great value to the growth and success of our children!
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Never Say This! – Well, Maybe?

6/24/2019

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PicturePhoto by the author.
When you are a parent, everyone has advice for you. I’m guilty as one of those who think they have some ideas on the matter of parenting, especially for fathers. You see them in my book of fatherhood and within this blog every week. I do know this; my heart is in the right place as are most of those who want the best for all children and families. My best advice on advice is to consider it, but don’t think you are wrong if you ignore it. We all have different circumstances, unique children, and personalities.

Along this line, I ran across a REDBOOK article entitled,”60 Things You Should Never, Ever Say to Your Kids” I found some of these things you aren’t supposed to say interesting, at a minimum. Of course, many things you shouldn’t say to your children are no doubt correct. “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?” “You’re just like your mother/father!” or “You’re fat!” are just a few examples. Other things you aren’t supposed to say I find curious, like “My house, my rules.” I believe saying that can certainly be appropriate for an older child.

Some things you are not supposed to say can become a difficult proposition in certain situations - unless you are a godly parent - and few of us are. I think it a good idea to review these ‘60 Things’ and make your own decision as to how they may apply to you as a parent. Indeed, if you sometimes violate a few of these rules of communication with your children, this does not mean you are a failure by any means. I have said quite a few of these “unsayables”, but my children have not turned their back on me and thrive as adults.

We are in a period of snowflake mentality, that is, some suggest we should not test the mental vulnerability of children. In general, I agree. But should we not direct, correct, and guide our children the way we think best? If you can do that successfully by coddling, then more power to you. If you believe being tougher is more effective, do so without anger and impatience. There is a delicate balance, I think, between adhering closely to these ‘60 things you should never-ever say’ and being a parent in charge in a caring but unmistakable way. Only you can choose.

Take in and evaluate all the parenting knowledge you can handle and do the best you can! None of us are perfect!
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How to be Stupid!

5/27/2019

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We all know stupid people, have seen stupid acts and done stupid things ourselves. However, some people have a knack for stupid. Maybe there is a reason, which I will get to later. Pointing out some of these stupidities to those we love or mentor may be helpful to their success. We all remember our parents saying, “If (Joe or Judy) jumped off a bridge, would you?” That was how they taught us NOT to be stupid.  But it lacked panache. Teaching the right things to do or say doesn’t have the visual impacts or humor of  ‘how to be stupid’. Let’s show them how to be stupid and hope our children ignore us as they are want to do.

The Trifecta of ‘How to Be Stupid’
  1. The first step in really being stupid is to quit school before graduation or before you have a real skill. It’s not just what you won’t learn, it’s what it says about you, and the interpretations of others have about you - that you’re a quitter or think you’re too smart for school. You may get a job that earns well, but the odds are highly against it.
  2. Speaking of jobs, not getting one is beyond stupid. If you are of sound body and mind, which is doubtful if you quit school, then you can still find a job. Sure, it may not come with a car and an expense account, but not only will you make some money, but you will also have pride and self-worth. Doing a job well with pride, no matter what it is, brings you respect. If you are the best burger-flipper in town, you will be more respected than a lousy insurance agent.
  3. If you really want to be stupid, give birth to or father a baby in your teens. So many aspects of this will go against you. First of all, if you are a girl, the father may disappear or be irresponsible. This possibility shouldn’t be a surprise. Secondly, the freedom you have been waiting for all your young life will be gone! Thirdly, you are highly apt to be poor, really poor, especially if you quit school and don’t have a job. The statistics are overwhelming.
 
So what are the best ways to avoid falling into poverty?

Given the ‘trifecta of stupidity’ scenario above, the Brookings Institution has spent a great deal of effort studying this issue. Brookings whittled down a lot of analysis into three simple rules. You can avoid poverty by:

1. Graduating from high school.

2. Waiting to get married until after 21 and do not have children till after being married.

3. Having a full-time job.

If you do all those three things, your chance of falling into poverty is just 2 percent. Meanwhile, you’ll have a 74 percent chance of being in the middle class. These rules apply to all races and ethnic groups. Breaking these rules is becoming more commonplace, unfortunately, for all racial groups. By contrast, young adults who violated all three norms - dropped out, got married before 21 and had children out of wedlock and didn’t have a full-time job - had a 76 percent chance of winding up in poverty and a 7 percent chance of winding up in the middle class.

Not Thinking of the Possibilities/Consequences

I admit to not being a big fan of tattoos, just a personal opinion. I think we all look better without them, au naturel. But I understand the appeal of some to be individualistic - we have that right. The name of someone you love or have loved forever can be endearing. A small butterfly, flower, initials or other adornment is often sweet and harmless. But getting a controversial tattoo without thinking ahead is a giant leap towards being stupid.
​
Let’s say you want to be a real estate agent, a hand-sized tattoo of the devil on your neck may not be a good idea. If you are going to join the military, they frown on tattoos of swastikas or skulls on your forehead. I once saw a young girl with a tattoo about five inches tall of Mr. Peanut on her calf. She must have really liked peanuts! Another girl prominently displayed Tweety Bird. Tweety is cute, but what are you saying about yourself? Weddings, where the bride has a skeleton tattoo on her back shoulder above her wedding dress, do have their place in some weddings. The tattoo I saw of Patrick Swayze as half-man, half-horse, in a pink and purple motif, was a particular favorite of mind. Centaurs may have been all the rage when this lady chose her tattoo. Maybe it wasn’t stupid….then! Again, if you have an ugly, rated X, Taco Bell, scary, or cartoon tattoo, and don’t care how it may impact your future life or possible changing values, then go for it.

I live in Missouri, where they have helmet laws for motorcycles. Whenever I go into Illinois, where there is no helmet law, I rarely a helmet on anyone. Now I’m not big on the government telling us what we can do to ourselves, so I prefer not having a helmet law. But if stupid had a trophy, it would be biker’s noggin cracked open like an egg. Now I understand it is cool not to wear a helmet, both literally and figuratively. But it’s not cool to drool in a wheelchair in a nursing home, or die! Oh, and for you bikers out there who don’t like helmets while riding, I don’t actually live in Missouri. I live in Australia! 

Some things become more stupid as you age. If teenage boys are “burning rubber” on their cars, it’s kind of stupid, but it is also fun (if done safely in non-populated areas). It is what we do growing up. Now if you’re 40 or 50 and you’re burning rubber, that’s stupid. You just wasted 5000 miles of wear on those tires. Grow up!

Smoking is stupid if you’ve never smoked before! Smokers smoke because they are hooked and enjoy it. If you’ve never smoked, you are not hooked. It is expensive and dangerous to your health, so why set yourself up to be slaves to tobacco? I see more young teen girls smoke than teen boys. One of the few examples on the plus side for girls being more stupid than boys.

Now it’s safe to say that boys are stupider than girls in general. But when girls do stupid things, it can be even more dangerous. Girls drinking at parties is even stupider than boys drinking at parties, if possible. Dressing to be attractive is good. Dressing in a slutty or suggestive fashion is pretty stupid for a girl to do. And don’t twerk. Why? Because guys are so much stupider! They think you are flashing a green-light for their pleasure. And boys do very stupid things for pleasure! Girls are stupid if they don’t know this.

Other Ways to be Stupid
  • Not checking for toilet paper before you go into a stall
  • Thinking your kids won’t be stupid
  • Not keeping your word
  • Sending money for any reason to Nigeria
  • Resisting arrest, even if you are innocent
  • Not listening to those that know what they are talking about
  • Letting kids have free, unsupervised access to the Internet
  • Not saving a percentage of your income
  • Texting on a smartphone while driving
  • Not paying off a credit card each month
  • Buying things you don’t need with money you don’t have.
  • Doing X-game activities when you’re not X-game talented

Some things are more stupid than others!

I know I guy who, when he was a teenager, was drinking with a few friends. They got drunk and decided to have a bar-b-que. The trouble was they had no meat and likely spent their money on beer, etc. They decided to drive drunk to the country and find a cow they could butcher. Amazingly, without killing themselves or someone else on the way, they found a lonesome cow in a field. One of these yahoos climbed over the fence, knife in hand, to kill this poor animal. He stalked slowly and unsteadily towards this cow and just as he reached this innocent bovine, the hungry drunk thrust the knife into its hind quarter! With the reflexes of a Kung Fu artist, the cow kicked knife-wielding predator in a place where the pain was so severe, he threw up and became instantly sober! No bar-be-que that night.

No, this was not me! but I have done stupid things like everyone. I have driven while drinking, stood on a porch swing only to fall hard on concrete, and I once played “You Light Up My Life” on a Juke Box.

Can you fix stupid?

Some say you can’t fix stupid. But maybe you can. Stupid has a recipe. One part show-off, two parts needing attention, two parts lacking a mentor, one part of lacking realism, one part of gullibility, one part over-confidence, two parts arrogance, all exacerbated by a dash of liquor, a pint of anger, or a shot of revenge. The young man who stabbed the cow would not have done so without this recipe. He did not have a present father, who abandoned him, nor a present mother, whose absence was created by a need to work endless hours to feed her many children. His act of stupidity was preventable.

Let’s change the recipe with proper attention, mentoring, education, acceptance, and supervision. Let’s face it. Much of stupidity is preventable. It will never be wiped out, and each of us will have our share. But children and young adults taught a proper recipe for living a good life will minimize stupid acts, becoming more successful and perhaps saving their lives! That proper recipe involves some critical ingredients, like people who care enough to sacrifice for them. Usually and ideally, those people are an intelligent and caring mother and father working together.

​Summary
​
Stupidity will always be with us! However, individual acts of stupidity are very preventable. They are preventable with good parents and good mentors teaching young people the proper recipe to improve their chances for success using reasoning, values, and foresight. Very few of us are adequately self-taught in these areas. The pressures of society, especially uncivil society, are too significant to overcome alone.

​#powerofdadhood
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