MichaelByronSmith: The Power of Dadhood
  • Home
  • Blog: Helping Fathers to be Dads
  • Dadhood Book
  • Photos
  • About Me
  • A Vagabond Life - A Memoir of Father Hunger

Learning to be Grateful

5/20/2019

0 Comments

 
Picture
I don’t think most of us realize just how fortunate we are. Certainly, this is true in the big picture. Realizing our fortunes would cause us to be more grateful, and I find that grateful people are happy people. However, to become more grateful takes a bit of reflection and less self-absorption. After all, we quickly adjust to our conveniences.

Is there anyone reading this that hasn’t slept in a warm bed, been awaken by the alarm on your smart-phone - which has almost any fact, type of entertainment, or directions to anywhere? You have refrigerated food that can be cooked or warmed in no time in your microwave. You may head off to work in your car or find public transportation available. Surprisingly, everything works. Highways, utilities, law enforcement, you name it, have occasional issues but overwhelmingly are dependable.
We live longer and healthier than at any time in history. My infant sister died of an esophageal issue in 1953, but my neighbor’s son thrives today, having had the same issue as a baby in 1980. Various diseases have vaccines. Infant and toddler deaths used to be common, now they are a tragic but comparative rarity, especially in the US. We have more free time and unlimited choices in food and entertainment. Crime has decreased dramatically - although we don’t realize it because we hear about everything bad that happens instantly. According to the document, named "The State of Food Insecurity in the World 2015" (SOFI), in developing regions, the proportion of undernourished people has almost halved since 1990, decreasing from 23.3% of the population to 12.9%.

All these good trends do not mean there is no sadness in the world. The pain of a loved one being hurt or dying will never cease. Misfortune still happens, and life is not fair. But that is not the point here. Outside of individual circumstances, our collective lives are blessed with advantages never known for thousands of years and up to less than 200 years ago, and in some examples, less than 20 years ago.

So What is the Point?

As I mentioned earlier, we adjust to our conveniences and become ungrateful. Caves were once valued and battled over as the height of shelter. Wouldn’t the cavemen have loved a canvas tent or a log home? Few of us would want to live in a tent these days. These seem to be extreme examples only because of our current standards. But there’s something to be gained by recalling the past and our current fortunes because doing so will ease some of the sorrows or injustices we may feel today putting them in a new perspective. As an example, a young girl living in rural China in 1900 would not spend one moment of sadness for anyone not making the Cheerleading Squad at school. Understanding our times are different, it’s okay to be down for a day if that was you, but move on quickly! Your son may have diabetes, but it can be controlled, giving him a full life, whereas he could have died young in the past.

My family was poor to the point of homelessness at times, but I never recall being hungry, and my education was free, allowing me to move out of that situation. One of my sisters had a baby at seventeen years old and was divorced soon after. She struggled for a while but earned a college degree in her forties because she lived in a society that had a path out if taken, unlike being trapped in a specific class like most societies in the old world and even some countries today.

Summary

Yes, every generation has the story they tell their children of how they walked three miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways. We all had it worse than the generation that followed us. And just like we did, our children laugh at our self-pity. But there is value in children learning and knowing History. That value is gratefulness! Let them read “A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich” by Solzhenitsyn. The story is from not so long ago, and it puts some perspective on how some people have been forced to live their lives. Many other novels or history books will tell these true stories. They will be much more useful and effective than our sad stories of how tough life was before smart-phones and Netflix!

Teach your children to:

Welcome challenges, for they make you grow! Know history, for it gives you perspective. Be grateful, for it removes boorishness!

0 Comments

What is Easy but Difficult and Does So Much Good?

5/6/2019

0 Comments

 
Picture
I admit that I need to practice what I am about to write as much as anyone and more than others. But I think everyone has had difficulties in this area at one time or another. It is this. One of the most challenging things for any of us to do is to say, "I'm sorry", and to say it honestly. The reasons this is difficult are many! 
  • Maybe you don't think you were, or are, wrong
  • Perhaps you are angry enough not to care
  • It could be you are embarrassed
  • You don't want to open old wounds or possible ignite a renewed argument
  • It's possible you just don't know how to say the words

Yes, the excuses are numerous. What we don't do is consider the positive aspects of saying, "I'm sorry", and there are many.
  • Often, a weight is lifted allowing you to move on
  • Your admission is a real sign of maturity
  • It takes away someone's anger towards you
  • It will enable openings for those you say sorry to you, returning the courtesy by your example
  • Even if you don't think you were wrong, saying sorry says you don't think a particular issue is worth having hard feelings.

​Perhaps one of the reasons adults have a problem with saying they are sorry is because they never learned how or why to do so as children. Sure, when a child does something inappropriate to another, parents will tell them to "say you’re sorry", and they will most of the time. Young children just want to get out of trouble; they aren’t concerned about a weight being lifted and are not apt to act maturely. As adults, we need to forget our childish ways and weigh the situation, apologizing if appropriate. But that doesn’t mean we should always apologize, because there are good reasons not to do so. For instance,
  • An apology is not in order when no wrong has taken place, even if someone else thinks so
  • A weak apology is like no apology
  • An insincere apology for deception is unethical and harmful

In a sappy movie from my youth, there was a line, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I never knew what that was supposed to mean. To me, love means saying you’re sorry, especially when you love someone you may have hurt. Having said all this, I know I may pass up opportunities to say I’m sorry when I should. I’ve been there, and so have you. It is difficult sometimes. Maybe, however, having thought about it and writing it down, there is a better chance I will do the right thing in the future. I hope so! I know one thing, I’m not sorry for writing this.




0 Comments

An Open Letter to Every Child Who Worries Too Much

4/29/2019

1 Comment

 
Picture
Worry: To torment oneself

Last week, at a St. Louis Cardinal Baseball game, I was walking in the corridors between innings with my ten-year-old granddaughter. She noticed there was a medical cart with a stretcher on it and asked me why it was there. I told her that sometimes people fall or experience heat exhaustion, etc. and need medical attention. With 47,000 people in the ballpark, it would be likely that someone may need medical help. Immediately she asked if I thought anyone would get heat exhaustion today (it was 76 degrees), and where would they take them? “How often do people fall”? “What happens when people get heat exhaustion”? She continued showing concern for people she didn’t know about things that hadn’t happened. We were there to have a great time, but her focus was elsewhere.

Her anxiety was not an isolated incident. My granddaughter worries continuously about things she hears on the news, things she sees on TV, the fate of people and animals, and things that might happen – even if unlikely. Although her parents are frequently reassuring her, it doesn’t seem to help. Because I don’t want her to go through her young life like this, I decided to write her a letter, but I have not decided to give it to her, yet. I leave that decision to her parents.

Knowing she is not the only person, young or old, who wastes precious time worrying, I thought I would share this letter in my blog, Helping Fathers to Be Dads. I tailored this letter to my granddaughter, but much of what I say is appropriate for anyone who has a loved one that tends to mistake ‘worry’ as something kind, as some type of salve that will make things better. It is sad to see someone else who is unhappy or in some distress. But to see someone who is sad when they have many other reasons to be thankful or when nothing wrong has happened to them, it is a waste of their precious time on this earth. This letter is my attempt at an argument that might help those worriers to enjoy their lives better.

                                                                 * * *
Dear Granddaughter,

When you came into the world, it was then I knew that being a grandfather was what I always wanted to be. When you were a baby and toddler, I had the privilege of spending time with you, one-on-one, being completely taken by your joyous and adorable personality. As you grew, you remained as sweet as the day you were born, and it was apparent you had gifts of intelligence, creativity, and empathy for others. I wouldn’t change a thing about you, but there is one thing I’d like to bring up to hopefully help you live a more cheerful life.

Too many times I’ve seen the sadness in your eyes as you have seen the struggles of others and felt their pain. Your concern for them is one of your finest traits, and I love you so much for it. But don’t replace empathy for others with wasteful worry. Your heart is big, big enough to share it with others. Even the potential of sad events is worrisome to you as you suffer in small amounts, stealing from your deserved happiness and right to a childhood that should be as innocent and lighthearted as possible.

I hope you understand that adulthood will bring you new and immediate concerns. But they will be concerns that more directly affect you and, fortunately, you will be better prepared and capable of handling them. You will move from worrying about things you cannot change or fix to issues that you can attack to the best of your given abilities. Being able to address a concern is comforting and something you will do. What will not change is life as it has been for thousands of years - full of good things and bad, joy and sorrow, miracles and tragedies, and ups and downs. The cycle of life and the survival of the fittest are the very essences of nature. We are sad for the antelope that is captured by the lion and forget the lion has to survive lest we will feel sadness for its starvation.

What I am trying to say is captured in one of the most famous prayers ever spoken – The Serenity Prayer! Read it and live it. There is only negativity and anxiety in placing worry in things you cannot correct on your own. While this insight is true, it is undeniable that turning away untouched by unfortunate events is difficult. However, unless you have a role in a heartbreaking development, you have no reason to feel guilt or responsibility for it. All you can do is say a prayer for those involved and then accept what you cannot change, pushing the sorrow out of your consciousness. When you do, you will be free to concentrate and improve upon those things near and dear to you, making them better. That’s your way to make the world a better place, by looking past where you have no power and towards where you can do so much good.

You are who you are, and I would never want to change you. I want the best for you because you have so much to give. You can do so much more if not burdened by those unchangeable things that hurt your sweet, loving heart. You can worry all you want and feel bad for others, but it won’t solve one thing. Worry is exhausting - a thief of energy and serenity – and as worthless as that worrisome thought last week, whatever that was?

Worrying about something that may happen in no way eases the pain even if it does happen - and usually, your worries will never come about. Turn on your ‘worry radar’ and shoot down that worry before it gets ahold of you. Do it by thinking what good you can do for yourself, or others you love, in its place. If you try a little each day and remind yourself that you can make the world a better place without worry, you will become a powerhouse among all those you touch and so very pleasant to be around.
​

Love,
Papa



1 Comment

Adolescence to Adulthood: Will They Ever Get Out of the House?

12/3/2018

0 Comments

 
PictureThese young adults (2002) all became quickly successful in life!
​A trend in recent years is the glacial pace at which adolescents are moving into adulthood. Young people are taking their time accepting adult responsibilities, having sex earlier with more partners, drinking heavily, marrying later, studying later, traveling longer and taking more time to decide what it is they want to do with their lives. They also are very picky about the jobs they will accept, waiting for their dream job. Some might say, “So, what’s wrong with all that?” But what it has led to is more young adults living with parents than a spouse in 2016 and not likely to be paying rent. And no matter your thoughts on the Affordable Care Act, the fact that a 26-year-old is eligible to be covered by his parent's insurance is irresponsible from the standpoint of delaying personal adult responsibility. Daddy and mommy should not be responsible for your lives at 26.

The traditional definition for adolescence is between and the ages of 10 and 19, which marked the beginnings of puberty and the perceived end of biological growth. Now, some scientists say adulthood does not begin until 24. At that age, I was already flying nuclear-equipped aircraft for the Air Force.

What comes first, adulthood then responsibility, or responsibility then adulthood?

Clearly, in past generations, responsibility made one an adult, maybe sometimes too early. These days it seems that responsibilitues are delayed until one claims adulthood, and that is happening later and later. 
In the past, young adults were expected to have finished school, found a job, and set up their own household during their 20s—most often with their spouse and with a child soon to follow. Other facts - around 1900, nine of ten young people 14-17 years old worked full time. In 1920, nearly two-thirds of all people over age 14 were married. During World War II, large numbers of 18-year-olds (and younger) were fighting and dying in ferocious battles and deplorable conditions in defense of their country.

How to accelerate into adulthood

In my opinion, as parents, we should strive to get somewhere in the middle, between the tough days of generations past and the overindulgence of young adults in the present. But how?
Some things are learned through what I call ‘parental osmosis’, where your kids learn by watching and mimicking you. It helps if you, as a parent, have the qualities you desire in your children. “Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t really work. Of course, children don’t always follow their parent’s example. Which can be a good thing sometimes, but not usually! So teaching and expecting certain behaviors from them is very important. So too, are the behaviors you choose as important.

Here are six behaviors, or characteristics, that can be helpful in guiding any young person into adulthood.

Ambition – Most kids have ambitions. Some good, like a college degree or a specialized skill, others not as good, like becoming the best video game player in school. However, the best ambition for anyone is to use every gift available to reach one’s highest potential for making a difference in the world. Although not always easy to get across, it is easy to discuss and set expectations. Without your guidance, this kind of thinking may not cross their minds until too late.

Commitment – Never accept a half-baked job from your child. Every task assigned or every venture they decide to take on should not be abandoned for trivial reasons. When they are committed, they need to go all out to success or failure, but never a failure of commitment.

Reliability – When you say you will do something, always do it (or have a darn good reason). You can’t expect a kid to be reliable when he hasn’t seen it from others and isn’t required to be so from his parents. Reliability is a giant step toward respectability!

Resilience – Failure is indeed a great teacher! There is no shame in failure because it comes with effort and risk indicating someone with goals. Resilient kids learn from their failures and keep sharpening their tools. If your child gives up too quickly on new endeavors or tasks, push them to continue. Their eventual and likely success will teach them the value of resilience.

Humility – A humble person is likely to have had success without the need to flaunt their achievements. Some people never grow up in this area. When your child is humble, it characterizes maturity and wins admiration from others. Sure, one may not get credit for something by not telling others, but bragging about any achievement will nullify any impression that you may have been looking for. Success is for you to celebrate within, not as a reason to boast or assume a higher station in life.

Courage – Courage is doing what one has to do even if they fear failure. Courage gives a child resilience which factors into their reliability because of their commitment. Speak to your kids when fear grips them. Let them know that fear is usually paper thin and can be overcome by challenging it square-on. It also takes courage to decide not to follow peers into dark places or acts. Courage always comes with some fear or doubt. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be necessary.

Summary

If you want to avoid what some parents are going through these days with their young adult children, start taking action now! Any adolescent with the above qualities will undoubtedly have success and be ready to move quickly into the responsible behavior we all look for in adulthood! A good dad or mom will start teaching these behaviors at a very young age, and when they do, they can be satisfied they have done their best as a parent. And you may have your house to yourself!



0 Comments
Forward>>
    Click on cover to order! 
    Picture
    A review of "The Power of Dadhood" by About.com
    100 Top Daddy Blogs - Healthy Moms Magazine
    Picture
    Picture
    ​daddy blogs

    Subscribe to MichaelByronSmith: Helping Fathers to be Dads - Blog: Helping Fathers to be Dads

    Subscribe in a reader
    'Helping Fathers to be Dads' Facebook page

    Archives

    May 2025
    January 2025
    August 2024
    July 2024
    May 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    February 2024
    January 2024
    December 2023
    November 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2011

    Follow my blog with Bloglovin
    Visit Michael's profile on Pinterest.

    Categories

    All
    Accomplishment
    Activities
    Adolescence
    Adulthood
    Advice
    Anxiety
    Attention
    Babies
    Balance
    Baseball
    Basketball
    BLM
    Books
    Boys
    Charity
    Checklist
    Child Custody
    Children
    Choices
    Christmas
    Clouds
    Communication
    Competition
    Confidence
    COVID 19
    COVID-19
    Creed
    Crime
    Dads
    Decision Making
    Discussion
    Diversity
    Divorce
    Eclipse
    Education
    Environment
    Equity
    Ethics
    Fairness
    Families
    Family
    Fatherhood
    Father Issues
    Fathers Day
    Finance
    Fire-safety
    Flying
    Free Speech
    Games
    Gangs
    Girls
    Goals
    Gold-star-families
    Guest Article
    Guns
    Happiness
    Harry Chapin
    Holidays
    Honesty
    Humor
    Ideology
    Integrity
    Interview
    Lesson
    Lies
    Life
    List
    Loss
    Lottery
    Love
    Marriage
    Memories
    Memory
    Men
    Mentoring
    Mistakes
    Motherhood
    Mothersday
    Nature
    News
    New Year
    Normies
    Nuclear Family
    Outdoors
    Pain
    Parenting
    Perfection
    Personality
    Pesonality
    Photography
    Poem
    Poverty
    Principles
    Racism
    Risk
    Ryan
    Sacrifice
    Safety
    Self Help
    Social Influencers
    Social Media
    Society
    Spain
    Sports
    Statistics
    Story
    Success
    Summer
    Teen Pregnancy
    Tools
    Travel
    Video
    Violence
    Woke
    Working At Home
    Worry

Web Hosting by iPage