Following is an excerpt from my book, "The Power of Dadhood: Be the Father Your Child Needs". 

The official release was two days ago (April 28, 2015). Everyone has been supportive and the reviews have been wonderful! Thank You!

This excerpt from Chapter 9 "Fathering with Love" is entitled:

Give Your Kids the Father They Really Want

“Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.”
—Harold Hulbert

Kids don’t always know it, but they want your love and your direction.

They want to know what the limits are. Young brains cannot judge danger because kids feel invincible. Children need to know the rules to succeed in society and need to have principles to base their decisions on. Having principles contributes to their self-esteem.

Children must learn that when no respect is given, no respect will be received; when no work is accomplished, no rewards will be forthcoming. When they fight you on the limits, dangers, rules, and principles you teach, don’t interpret that as their desire for you to go away. They may think they want you to leave them alone, but if you did, they would be hurt deeply. Mostly, your kids need love and guidance, and you give them these gifts by being consistent and firm with them.

Too many times I have seen parents take the easy road and solve their children’s problems for them. It’s the easy way out for the parents because the issue goes away quicker and with less effort. What’s worse, it’s also the easy way out for the child because he or she is off the hook with little or no consequence and without learning life’s lessons.

If you want your children to be stronger, you don’t take them to the gym and lift the weights for them. If you want them to be smarter, you don’t go to class for them and do their homework. Similarly, if you want them to learn the rules of life, you don’t protect them from life. You must provide the way—give them a map and the rules of the road, but don’t take the journey for them because they will not get anywhere that way. There must be consequences or there is no learning, and there must be boundaries to keep them on the right path.

Dad Tip:

What is fathering with love? It means, of course, being there, but it also involves helping your children make their own decisions, teaching them how to choose wisely, putting your foot down when they make poor decisions, and letting them know you love them, no matter what.

PS: Thanks to my beautiful granddaughter Malia for the beautiful drawing and sweet message!

Those of you have read Dale Carnegie will find this article to be familiar. There is a good reason for this. The six suggestions below are from Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. I’m taking the liberty of putting his ideas in the framework of parenting.

Too many mothers and fathers think they are good parents if their children like them. Nothing could be further from the truth!  Of course we want our children to like us, but it is more important that they respect us. You know kids can love parents without liking them, right? Not always getting their way will cause children to think like this. Do the right things for your kids by never taking the easy way out of a situation. They will love you even more when they realize you gave them good advice and wise mentoring at a time they didn’t think you were that smart.

Respect and influence as a parent comes about when you:

1.       Show genuine interest in them. Know their fears, joys, and interests. Know their friends. Check in on them often and ask how they are doing. Encourage them when they need a push and reign them if they going in the wrong direction. Let them know you care!

2.       Smile. When you smile, you are approachable. Parents should be always be approachable! Don’t be a grouch. Don’t take your aggravations out on your kids. Lighten up! Be fun to be around.

3.       Use their name. Address them by their preferred name. Don’t call them Robert if they like to be called Bobby. Never ever call them ‘stupid’ or ‘brat’! Be courteous with them. Saying, “Hey! Get over here!” does not sound respectful nor does it create cooperation. More preferable is saying, “Jimmy, can you come here a second?”

4.       Be a good listener. This is not only showing interest in them, it tells them they are important enough for your time. Every occasion your children speak, you are learning something about them. Try to see things from their point of view. If they are little, get down to their level. It’s not always easy to pay attention when you are busy. But do what you can to let them understand you are listening or will listen when you get home or finish a task.

5.       Talk about their interests. Ballet, baseball, school, friends—whatever their interests are is what will help you to communicate with them. When you ask them general questions, they may give one word answers, but specific questions about their interests may help to get the conversation going. Remember to encourage them to do their best in their endeavors and be a cheerleader.

6.       Make them feel important. Self-confidence comes from a feeling of belonging. When your kids feel important, it helps their self-esteem. They will feel important if you show interest in them and listen. But there is a fine line between allowing them to feel important and putting them on a pedestal. They shouldn’t be above anyone. Any signs of their nose in the air or chest puffed out too far and you may need to do an attitude adjustment.

A couple of other points not mentioned by Mr. Carnegie. Try to inform our kids of the rules, limits, and rewards, and always do what say you will do. This includes those promised rewards--and consequences if rules are broken. If you don’t, your children will lose respect for your authority and your influence will diminish. Of course, there are times things get out of your control and you cannot keep a promise. When this happens, be sure to explain the details to your child.

• Tell your children right from wrong, and they will know right from wrong.
  
• Tell them how, and they will know how.
  
• Tell them where, and they can go there.
  
• Tell them when, and they can do it then.
  
• Tell them who, and they will know who. 
  
• Tell them why, and they will do ‘it’ with confidence and enthusiasm.
  
• Sometimes there’s not enough time, or it’s the wrong time to explain why this or that, but do it later.
  

Who, what, when, where, why. It’s the ‘why’ that is often forgotten. But the child that wants to know why is the child who is most likely to succeed. If answered honestly and convincingly, you will have a devoted follower.

There is much more to Dale Carnegie’s book. I highly suggest you read it--and have your children read it when they are in their late teens, early twenties. 

For fifteen years I reflected on my childhood and fatherhood while looking for books on being a dad. Fortunately, “Power Dads”, by Wayne Parker was not published until 2015 or I may never have written my book, “The Power of Dadhood”. Not that our books are identical, but our approach to fatherhood is remarkably similar. Parker’s book was the one I was looking for but could never find.

There are many wonderful books on fatherhood. Many are written by pediatricians or psychologists which bring professional views and discussion on the topic. Others, by nonprofessionals--everyday dads, are often whimsical, anecdotal, clever, or funny. What I found in Power Dads, just as I attempted in my book on Dadhood, is a mentoring style that teaches without being technical. It is simple effective advice on being the best dad you can be. Wayne Parker knows fatherhood as the expert on that topic on About.com. I had been reading his advice for some time. You can find him at http://fatherhood.about.com/.

Power Dads is a wonderful book for all fathers! The basis of Wayne Parker’s book are ten principles all dads should understand and embrace. He then ties these principles to situations every involved father will face, but may not know how to handle. A very important chapter in my mind is ‘Ten Common Discipline Mistakes’. Every parent should read this chapter and live by it.

Parker explains that having principles and teaching respect and discipline is truly how you show your love. I also was impressed that Mr. Parker wrote about teaching your children patriotism and respect for their country. He tackles the topic of discussing sex in a very tender way based on the age of your children. He discusses the big picture also. Balancing, simplifying, and compartmentalizing your life as a dad and as an individual are clearly explained and emphasized. As one of his mentors, Parker incorporates many of the principles of Stephen R. Covey, who wrote “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” and once said, "First you must understand, then you must be understood."

Wayne Parker understands the the power of fatherhood and along with that, he knows how to write to be understood. What a great gift Power Dads would be for any son, husband, nephew, grandson, etc. who is a father. If you are a dad reading this, buy it for yourself! But, of course, buy it as a companion to The Power of Dadhood. We aren’t in competition. We are partners in bringing fathers into the Dadhood stratosphere!

The problem with men is that we never think we need any help. Directions? No! Dressing nicely? No help needed here. Reminders? Hey, I won’t forget next time. Go to the doctor? Naw, I’ll be okay (cough-cough). In fact, I’ll admit, the only thing I need help with is finding stuff in the refrigerator. I stare—but what I need never jumps out at me.

That’s the issue regarding convincing a man to read a book about being a better dad to a father who doesn’t think he needs any help. Men read books that expand their vocabulary on sports, guns, transportation (cars, trains, airplanes, etc.) and sometimes history, especially westerns and war. But ‘parenting books and fathers’ is not a combination of words you’ll find too often. On the other hand, a ‘parenting books and moms’ search would break the Internet!

Listen to what I have to say...You don’t know what you don’t know about parenting! There are tons of things about being a father that I don't know--and I wrote a book about fatherhood. To assume you’re the best you can be for your kids is cheating them.

Men do look for help on some things--hobbies or sports for instance. Men look for an edge in competition. We want to be the best in whatever we are involved in, that is, if we are competing with friends either formally or informally about a common interest. You could be a collector, hunter, runner, golfer, car guy, sports nut, or hobbyist and you will want to be respected for it. But when it comes to being a dad, you still want to be respected, but you don't care to work at it. It's not a competitive sport.

There isn’t any competition in Dadhood, nor should there be. You’re not competing as a father. That would be like a horse running a race by itself. You are it! Your kids have only one father and you should want to be the best one there is. Not the most likeable dad, nor the wittiest, nor the most athletic. You want to be the best at having principles, being consistent, being involved, loving, with lots of fun thrown in for good measure. Many, if not most fathers, think they are pretty good at dad stuff, and if they haven’t been involved too much lately, or not been consistent--they’ll get there, eventually. No you won’t! Not without a conscious effort, some admissions, and some guidance.

Let’s say there is a blog post on the Internet, the title of which is, “Nine Articles to Help You (Macho Man) Improve”. If statistics were kept for the most popular, or the most read articles, which of these articles would pique the interest of the most men?

• Ten Kinds of Beer Steins
  
• Less Strokes for Golf Folks
  
• Archers Teach You How to Pull Strings
  
• Seven Secrets to Bagging a Turkey
  
• Fantasizing About Fantasy Football 
  
• Hot Mods for Hot Rods
  
• Makeup for Men is Okay—If It’s Camo!
  
• Getting Dirty to Look Like You Were Hunting
  
• How to be the Father Your Child Needs
  

I’m hoping the least popular would be either “Ten Kinds of Beer Steins” or “Makeup for Men…” But many men would pass on the ‘Father’ article for a couple reasons.

1)      It doesn’t sound interesting or sexy.
2)      You think you are a damn good dad already. 

There is third reason--you just don't care about being involved with your kids. I'm not sure what to say to the likes of you! 

Maybe parenting is a little duller than “Less Strokes for Golf Folks”, but it is WAY MORE IMPORTANT--even if your name is Tiger, “Stormin’ Norman”, or Vijay Singh!

Maybe you are a good dad and don't need a conversation on the topic. Don’t take that for granted. How do you know if you haven’t read, “Power Dads” by Wayne Parker, or "Critical Connection" by Andy Kerckhoff, or my book “The Power of Dadhood”, or many other books on the topic of dads and parenting? These books have principles you can think about or checklists to compare how you father. Don’t be afraid you will find out something you don’t want to know. Be excited that you can possibly, and likely, learn something new! Something that may help your children, the most important people on earth to you!

If men took parenting as seriously as they take sports or politics, and especially if they took parenting as seriously as mothers, the children in this world would be far better off.  Also, they would have learned from you and passed good parenting techniques on to your grandchildren!

A few generations of good moms and dads, and hey, we just might make the world a better place!

Come on, do it! Get better!

I took the liberty in my book “The Power of Dadhood” (yes, another reminder) to mention the little things my young children did that showed their love. I called them rewards but they were really gifts—the best ever! The rewards/gifts continue when your children thrive as adults. You don’t parent for rewards, you parent for your children’s success/happiness/contributions--whatever you choose to call it.

It’s my theory that when things are done right, the result turns out as you desire ~80% of the time. Similarly, when you do everything wrong, things can turn out okay anyway, ~20% of the time. But with those odds, I compassionately plea to do the right thing for your children. If you’re not sure what the right things are, read, ask, learn, and choose. Please understand, if your child has had issues with anything from friends to behavior to drugs, it doesn’t necessarily reflect upon you as a parent. The measure is where they might have been without you in their lives. Only you can really judge that!

It is clear that my children, now thriving adults, allowed me some credibility to write this book. Like me, they are not perfect by any means, but I couldn’t ask much more from them. I would like to tell you a little about each of them. Their successes do not involve riches, over-the-top accomplishments, or unique talents. They are just hard working, down-to-earth, good people. What more can any parent ask?

April:

April has blessed us in so many ways. She is gentle and always kind to everyone. I recall in high school a mentally challenged student who, ignored by most, was treated kindly by April. This girl became very enamored with April and followed her everywhere. It was sometimes awkward for her but April would never complain.

After dating him for years, April married the perfect guy for her, another Mike, who is a genius and a little quirky--but that is his charm. He’s the best dad ever and they are both constantly teaching and challenging our beautiful granddaughters.

April attended The University of Missouri on an academic scholarship. What parent doesn’t love that! She graduated Summa Cum Laude from the prestigious School of Journalism and she went on to get a Master’s Degree in Counseling. What continually impresses me is April’s professional presence and ability to talk to groups. After college, she was competitively selected to be a ‘Hot Dogger’ for the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. Through that job, she appeared on a national TV show in a segment on different ways to prepare hot dogs. She was simply at home and at ease and did a wonderful job on TV. I haven’t yet figured out where she got that talent.

Today April balances being a mom and work. She is a student counselor at a major university helping young people to maximize their education and future employment. It was April that was key to the fact I have authored a book. It was her direction and guidance that helped me organize my thoughts and notes into something readable. I can’t thank her enough for getting me through this project with her direction and encouragement.

Michael:

Michael, as he likes to be called, (I’m the only one that calls him Mike) is my only son. He’s quiet, strong, and has very loyal friends--even though he rarely talks--maybe that’s why. Still single in his mid-thirties, he has the potential to be a great dad someday. His nieces and nephew adore him.

Mike never was a big fan of school. He is a hands-on kind of guy. When he was a little boy, he would follow me around wanting to help whether it was mowing, fixing something, or working on my 1978 MGB. He went to college as it was understood all would do in our family. A few times he wanted to quit school and we asked him to hang in there. Finally we decided, after much pleading, that if college wasn’t for him, we weren’t going to force him to graduate. We told Mike that he could quit if he thought that was best for him. It was tough for us to tell him this and we waited to see what he would do. What he did was continue on until he graduated. We never heard another complaint. The day he graduated was celebrated heartily by the entire family.

Maybe because I was an Air Force pilot, Mike was interested in flying himself. He joined Air Force ROTC in college. Because he is a hands-on guy, he didn’t like the aspect of a desk job, which can happen after a few years of Air Force pilot duty. He asked if I, specifically, would mind him quitting Air Force ROTC. I agreed but admit I was disappointed. I had envisioned him flying F-22 fighters or B-2 bombers. After graduation from college Mike enlisted in the Army, but he had a plan. After two years as a helicopter mechanic, he was chosen for the Army Warrant Officer program to become an Army helicopter pilot. For those of you that don’t know, the Warrant Officer program is for experts in certain fields which allows them to do that job their entire career. That means Mike won’t ever have to be saddled with a desk job. He will fly his entire career.

Mike has now flown helicopters for 12 years and has served in Germany, Kosovo, Iraq, Egypt (his first flying assignment), Washington D.C. (flying dignitaries), Afghanistan, Hawaii, Ft. Campbell KY, and back to Afghanistan in a couple of weeks. In his first tour in Afghanistan, Mike was a medivac helicopter pilot and was decorated for risking his life to save his fellow soldiers. I couldn’t be prouder of him!

Rachel:

Rachel is our youngest and as a child was our feistiest. Rachel has always been full of life and a real people person. Rachel’s favorite phrase is “fun!” For as long as I can remember, Rachel wanted to be a mom. I thought she’d be married in her early twenties--but she never found the right guy. No worries, Rachel had ball as she dated, worked, and hung out with group of friends who continue to be her friends for life.

In her late twenties she met Kevin. Kevin had also been looking for the right person. Both had started to think they would never find someone but they found each other at the right time. They married three years ago and have a two year old who is boy all the way through, my tractor buddy! As I write this, Rachel is nine months pregnant with a little girl. We can’t wait to hold our fourth grandchild! I am very impressed with Rachel and Kevin as parents. They work so well together and are so loving. As a bonus, Kevin is quiet like my son, a sports guy too. We connect on this and many levels. A great person all the way through!

Rachel is an Occupational Therapist. With her people skills and compassion, this is the perfect occupation for her! Her specialty is brain injuries and beyond working with the patients, Rachel helps families get through very difficult times. Many of those families become her friends and they want to keep up with her after recovery.

Rachel raises the energy level wherever she goes. The other day I met her at a bank for a business transaction. When I got there, she was conversing with the bank staff like they were old friends. That’s how she is. She’s natural and real. And of my three kids, she is the most critical of me, as perfect as I am (wink-wink). She keeps me on my toes.

Summary

If you read my book you’ll see I don’t write about how to fix other than the simple issues your children may experience. I concentrated on something I believe is more important, that is, what you can do to minimize any potential issues by being loving, involved and nurturing--because it’s healthier and easier to prevent problems than to correct them. My siblings and I witnessed a lack of caring and nurturing from our father. He did nothing to help us find our way and we all suffered for it in different ways. I know the advice, encouragement, and tools I discuss in my book will help any father to help his children.

PS. The Power of Dadhood is currently being delivered earlier than advertised by Amazon. If you haven't already, you will receive your copy soon!

I've been back from Italy for five days. Still exhausted. Unpacking. Taxes are due. Been through 30 days of mail. Jet lag. Watched my grandson yesterday, along with granddaughter Rosie today, which Kathy and I were happy to do. Yard work needed on two houses and I've been working on my book release--coming April 28th. Soooo, I don't have a decent post ready for Dadhood. Yet I want to keep my blog schedule. 

Since this blog is sometimes written around photography, I am therefore going to tell you my 10 favorites of the photos I shot in Italy--and why I chose them. I'm sure most of you would have chosen some of the other 200+ photos published in this blog over my ten, and I'm happy about that! Please enjoy, and comments, good or constructive, are welcomed.

Even with the Leaning Tower of Pisa and its Duomo to choose from, I chose this photo taken in Pisa as one of my favorites. I love the architecture, the colors, and the way the street curves. I took a similar photo in Nice, France that I really liked so when I saw this scene, I knew it had potential.


There are so many photos of the Leaning Tower, it is difficult to find something interesting that is new, especially those of all those folks holding it up. (Yes, I took some myself). On the other hand, not too many will take a photo of a Pisa thoroughfare, which I found more interesting because of its lack of notice by the "leaners".

This may seem to be an unusual choice. The scenery is not beautiful. But I like two things about this photo.
 
1) The roof and railroad tracks converging on the left portion of the photo which, in turn, lead you to the one person in the photo.
2) The absence of any people except for the girl with her hair falling on her left side, large purse, and one bent knee. This photo captures a point in time in March of 2015 in Lucca, Italy and tells more of a story than being a picture of beauty.

I had to choose a photo of Positano, on the Amalfi Coast of Italy. There were many photos that were equally pretty because this town is so photogenic.  This one shows the coastline, the beautiful mountainside homes and the wrought iron bench and fencing that frames the town. No talent is required for good photos on the Amalfi Coast!

This may be my favorite photo that I took in Italy. It is from the town of Pienza in the province of Tuscany. First of all, my favorite landscape is tranquil, rolling green hills, not totally forested. This is Tuscany to a 'T'!

I had taken a photo of this same scene at midday but knew it would be even better near sunset. We left Pienza to tour more of the Tuscan countryside and returned before sunset.

This photo with the sun low to the west, lit up the olive trees and better defined the shape of the hills. The signature cypress trees put the exclamation point on the scene!    

This is another photo of Tuscany taken at sunset. 

The road, lined with cypresses, leads to a small farm. The sun defines the crests of the hills. The scene stretches for miles from the nearby foliage to the distant mountains showing the depth and peacefulness of the area.

This is The Church of St. Francis in Assisi Italy.  It is near the top of this mountaintop city. Also, this church is actually two complete churches, one on top of  the other. 

Many tourist never reach this level because of the climb and the mistake of only visiting the lower section of the building. I was lucky to find it.

I positioned myself so the sun was behind the bowed head of St. Francis. The horizon is distant and low, giving away the altitude of this beautiful church.

No way could I pick a top ten photo of Italy and not include Cinque Terre! This is the first of two photos I chose from there, this being the second village from the south of five, named Manarola. I framed this shot from a low trail using an evergreen and interesting clouds 

The rock structure and the multi-colored homes make for a unique picturesque scene that can rarely be found anywhere in the world.

Another location where it is a challenge to take a bad photo!

This is Vernazza, the middle of the five villages of Cinque Terra. 

I love this photo for the water, the boats, and all the colors.

The scene behind me was just as beautiful with magificent rock cliffs, lapping waters, and small waterfalls.

One day after travelling, we spent a rainy day in Florence. The rain didn't deter many tourists from coming out. I had many photos of people with their multi-colored umbrellas walking the streets of Florence. I almost picked one of those umbrella photos as a top ten.

I settled, however, on this photo with no colorful umbrellas and few people. It has a feeling of a movie from the 40's, 50's, or 60's. 

The rain beautifully reflected the streetlights, which merge in the distance from both sides of the street.

A single lady holds her umbrella as she begins to cross the street. The two balls of light in the upper left corner balance the photo and can be found on the first building on the right as you walk onto the world famous Ponte Vecchio bridge over the Arno River. The cross on the right is green and signifies a 'farmacia' (pharmacy).

This is the tenth and last photo, taken on my last day in Italy. I worked very hard to get this photo. First I  took the wrong bus on a very nasty morning and wasted a hour or more while hacking all day with a bad cough. I then found the correct route and waited 45 minutes in the rain for a bus. I had another issue which will remain mysterious.

But my delays paid off! Despite the forecast the clouds broke, they were dramatic, and the sun shone on Florence, including the Ponte Vecchio bridge, the Duomo, the tower of Palazzo Vecchio, the Arno River and much more. Taken from the Piazza Michelangelo, this is where many young men propose marriage to their chosen one. It is a classic scene and one of the few places where you can see the sky and mountains surrounding Florence. This is because of the narrow streets and many buildings in the city that obstruct those views.

As wonderful as this trip was, and despite how long we were there, we failed to make it to Venice, Lake Como, and the Matterhorn in the Swiss Alps. I can't imagine the beautiful photos that would have been possible in those locations. 

Thank you!
Mike