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Fathers and Daughters

9/29/2013

“The most important person in a young girl’s life? Her father.”
~ Meg Meeker, M.D. author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters

I have two daughters and within a week or two, I'll have my second granddaughter. In my experience, and many agree, girls are more complicated to raise than boys. Just as fun mind you! But for Dad, a bit more complicated.

A daughter looks for different things from their dad than does a son. Here is an excerpt from my book The Power of Fatherhood discussing the father-daughter relationship.

Treat Daughters with Love and Respect

Father and daughter relationships are powerful and unique. This can be very good or very bad. No one has the ear of a young woman like her father. She will believe what he says whether it is complimentary or degrading. She may not realize she believes it, but she does.

A father is the first man in her life. He is the first man she tries to impress and she never stops trying. All men are compared to you. You may rarely understand her, and she may rarely understand you, but there are moments that are critical in your relationship that will help her self-image, her delicate psyche, and her self-respect. Be there for her. She learns confidence and self-esteem from you by the way you interact and treat her.

I've found to my dismay - no, actually I knew it all along - that most men are not into reading books on parenting. Newsflash! Neither was I as a young dad. But if you never read my book, a good friend of mine passed on two books that are a delightful breeze to read. They are written by Harry H. Harrison Jr. entitled:

Father to Daughter – Life Lessons on Raising a Girl
Father to Son – Life Lessons on Raising a Boy

Both books give great advice on raising your kids. Written in short bursts of invaluable insights, you can read this book a page or two at a time and be enlightened as Dad!

Here's two quick examples from Father to Daughter.

            "Never laugh at her dreams."
                and
            “Take her horseback riding. Girls love horses.”

Yep, they do love horses. And they like to dance, play dress up, and be watched over - even when they say they don't like it. Now go give your daughter(s) a hug!

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The Five Myths of Fatherhood - Guest Article

9/26/2013

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There are many misunderstandings about fathers and fatherhood. These misunderstandings are generally held by men themselves. In my research and through knowledge of my wife's work, mentoring teen parents, I came to some conclusions that were validated when I read Dr. Bruce Linton's article “The Five Myths of Fatherhood”

Bruce Linton, Ph.D. is the founder of the Fathers' Forum Programs and a Family Therapist. The Fathers' Forum mission is to help fathers create a conversation among men about becoming and being fathers. The website can be found at <http://www.fathersforum.com>

He is also the author of "Becoming a Dad, How Fatherhood Changes Men."

Thanks to Dr. Linton for sharing his knowledge and expertise in dispelling myths about fathers and fatherhood.

[email protected]

The Five Myths of Fatherhood by Bruce Linton, Ph.D.

If you're like most new or expectant dads, you're probably carrying around some silent assumptions about what it means to be a father. Those ideas are rooted in your experiences with your own father and in what you believe society expects of a male parent. Unfortunately, few resources exist to help men address these issues or put common myths to the test. Yet the more you examine and understand your unspoken expectations of fatherhood, the better chance you have of becoming the parent you want to be.

Perhaps the biggest myth of all is that there's only one definition of a "good father." But fatherhood is not a fixed entity. You have the power to craft your own version to meet your needs and the needs of your family — and you can do it over time. From pregnancy through the first three years of parenthood, men change and develop a unique identity as a father. Here are five other commonly held beliefs and the truth hidden behind them.

Myth 1: Only the expectant mother's feelings are important
Your partner's amazing body changes during pregnancy and the focus on the birth process make it easy to think that her feelings are the only ones that count. Your concern for her physical and mental health is important now and during the postpartum period, but so are your own feelings.

It's easy for an expectant dad to talk excitedly about the positives of becoming a father. It's much tougher to give voice to the equally important — and inevitable — feelings of fear and apprehension. Will I faint at the birth? Will there be medical complications? How will our relationship change? Can I pursue my career and be the father I want to be?

Your partner needs to hear your feelings. Many men keep their fears about pregnancy and fatherhood to themselves because they don't want to add to their partner's worries. Don't be afraid of burdening her. Women crave this kind of interaction, and they know that becoming a father brings challenges. Sharing your fears with your wife or partner will bring you closer.

You can also seek out other expectant fathers, read a good book about becoming a father, and attend a fathering class or group for support. Give yourself permission to express both your feelings of vulnerability and excitement. If we always play the part of men who are strong, we lose touch with a part of ourselves. By valuing your concerns during pregnancy and early parenting, you challenge the myth that we merely accompany our partners through the process.

Myth 2: Newborns don't really need their fathers
The intense connection between your partner and infant — especially if they're breastfeeding — can leave you wondering whether your baby really needs you. Rest assured he does. You're an important person in his life, and being with you is comforting and soothing to him. To bond with your baby, hold, rock, and coo at him, but wait until after he eats so you'll have his full attention. Taking over after a meal also gives your partner a chance to recoup her energy after breastfeeding.

You can help feed your baby if your partner expresses milk into a bottle or if you decide to supplement breastfeeding with occasional formula feeding. And you can help your baby indirectly by helping your partner around the house. Lightening her workload is nurturing for her and allows her more relaxed time with the baby. Remember, you make a difference to the whole family.

Myth 3: Men don't know how to care for young children
This is a great lie that keeps fathers from having a primary relationship with their babies and causes unnecessary anxiety for new mothers who fear that men aren't capable of handling newborns. Even Dr. Spock, the late pediatrician and best-selling author, cautioned in his first book that men are subject to "clumsiness" around babies. He changed his opinion in subsequent editions and you should, too. We know now that a father can be a child's primary caregiver. Parenting is learned on the job by everyone, moms and dads. If you spend time with your baby, you will become sensitive to his needs.

Myth 4: Men who focus on their children can't make it in the work world
Men are raised to value work as their main source of worth and self-esteem. Society's underlying message is that men who make sacrifices and choose family over career advancement do it because they can't succeed at work. But we are at the beginning of an epic shift in cultural norms. More men are finding parenthood meaningful and that is raising the status of fathers. Some men are trading career advancement for time with their family because they value the fulfillment they find in fatherhood, not because they can't hack it in the job market. More men than ever feel that being a good father is a significant accomplishment in life.

Myth 5: You are destined to be just like your own father
Your father will take on new significance when you become a dad. It's natural to reflect on your history and think that, for better or worse, you will follow in your old man's footsteps. But your own father needn't be your primary role model for parenting. He is just one influence on what kind of dad you'll become. Look to others who have nurtured you over the years, including teachers, coaches, friends, uncles, brothers, and so on, and create your own identity as a father.

In my research throughout the world, I found no evidence of one consistent model for fatherhood. Different cultures approach fatherhood in a variety of ways. In fact, in some African cultures, "father" is a group of men, not an individual. Fatherhood is socially constructed, meaning it adapts to the needs of individual cultures. That is exactly what our fathers did. For them, being a good father meant providing the family with a home, food, and education. Our own dads probably didn't spend as much time with us as we would like to spend with our own children. But they did what they thought was best for us, given societal and family demands at the time.

You, too, must make choices that are best for your family. Try to see fatherhood as a role you grow into as you explore the possibilities. You can take the positives from your own family history and add to them in ways that never occurred to your own father.

How to challenge the Five Myths of Fatherhood
1. Take time to reflect on how becoming (or being) a father is affecting you. Share your feelings with your partner and other new and expectant fathers.

2. Hold, rock, and talk to your newborn right from the birth.

3. Learn how to change diapers, give baths, feed your baby, and be part of his daily life.

4. Consider what career compromises you are willing to make to spend time with your child. This is an experiment that takes place over time.

5. Take what you like best about your father, teachers, coaches, friends, and relatives to create your own identity as a dad. Anyone who has nurtured you can be a good role model.

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A Dad Helping to Remove His Daughter's Fear

9/24/2013

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Below is an video of a dad settling down his daughter when she had heard some noises after going to bed. Noises that made her afraid of being alone.

Sometimes we think our young children have it easy. We feed, clothe and shelter them and all they have to do is play, do a couple of chores and go to preschool. What we may forget is the apprehension, anxiety, fear, shaky confidence, and need for acceptance that all kids have. There are bullies to deal with, the judgment of adults, not to mention ‘the DARK’ and many other obstacles we all face as we grow. And to make it worse, children don’t have a lot of experience in dealing with this stuff. As a father, it is your job to guide and coach your children through their challenges and ease them through their fears.

The love this man has for his daughter shines through, and this little girl will feel that love her whole life. She will be stronger and more confident for it! Dads, be this for your children!

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Imagination Plays a Role in Learning and Success

9/21/2013

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Imagination is a great teacher!

Kids can learn so much from a box. They love how they can maneuver something that looks so big. They peek through, climb in, climb on, hide, lift, throw stuff in, take things out, and get joy from all. And the best part? Boxes are cheap!

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What Kids Want from Their Dads

9/19/2013

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This rhyming verse was written by children. I just gathered their thoughts and hopes. Share this with new fathers, young fathers, fathers-to-be, confused fathers, or any man who doubts the tremendous need his children have for his love, attention, protection, sense of humor, discipline, and hugs!

My Dad

My dad is my hero,
In oh, so many ways.
He's there when I need love.
He's there when I need praise.

My dad likes to spend time with me.
I get to ride upon his back.
We read books and laugh and play,
And sometimes share a snack.

My dad 's a very smart man.
He makes a lot of sense.
He knows when I need protection, or
When I need confidence.

My dad's very brave, you know.
He's not afraid of bugs that wiggle!
When he runs and hides from them,
It's just to make me giggle.

My dad can be very serious.
That's when I see him care.
For when I'm doing something wrong,
He'll give me quite a glare!

My dad can be silly.
When acting goofy, he's a scream!
To see him try to dance or juggle,
Is a really funny scene.

My dad always keeps me safe.
He warns me when there is danger.
He holds my hand when crossing streets,
And says, “never talk to a stranger”.

My dad's a very rich man!
And when I asked him why.
It's something about the joy I give him,
That money couldn't buy.

My dad makes me feel better,
'Cause when I'm feeling really sad.
He holds me tight, then whispers,
“You give the best hugs I've ever had!”

Copyright: Michael Byron Smith

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Broken Families - Eileen's Story

9/16/2013

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Broken families are tragic! A caring society can fix them.

Drugs, alcohol, mental anguish, lost childhoods, multi-generational issues...

These are very common problems in broken families. And every family with these issues impact each of us through crime, crowded hospitals, unwed mothers, terrified neighborhoods, higher tax dollars; I could go on and on. Yet we give relatively little attention to educating parents or helping families stay together. We may 'Save the Whale', and that's good. But when will the tag line 'Save the Family' be the more familiar theme?

Below you will find Eileen's Story. A true story depicting the issues one broken family has experienced and which still cascade through its generations.

Thank you for your story Eileen and especially for allowing me to share it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning" . . . J M Barrie

I was recently on the east coast and able to see my granddaughter turn 5 years old and attend her first day of kindergarten. I watched her father participate in both. It truly is a joy when you see a family unit being so involved. In the world of such bad news, it does give you hope for the future. And though the focus of your blog is fathers and sons, I know it applies to all.

Having moved on in years now and looking back ~ lives truly can be changed for the better even though you didn't get the best from your parents. But too often they don't! My biological father was a pedophile and my mother an alcoholic. This can definitely impact what a child thinks of as "normal" when in reality, it is so far off the charts of wrong, it's unimaginable. It perpetuates every aspect of your life until you realize it wasn't normal ~ nor was your concept of what love is.

I was able to put sense to all of it a little later in my life. But my heart breaks to see my siblings still living in the cycle of their beginnings. I have lost one brother to drugs; one sister lives in an alcohol delusion most months of the year, and although help is there for her, she chooses to use every excuse she can grasp to not accept it. My heart breaks after so many years of trying to help, and wishing I could go through it for her. I do know she has to do it herself but the odds of that are slim to none. The affects still can be seen in her grown children, grandchildren and now a great grandson that will probably never know her. I am blessed and honored to be in their lives. But my sister is the one who should be at their graduations, weddings, and life. She is missing so much! I could not and would not trade the role I have in my childrens' lives for anything on earth. I cannot understand her choices.

Not having proper coping skills as a young person, my escape came in the form of reading. This got me through tough times. Back then, when the doors open on a school morning, everything is swept up and kept there until your life is about keeping secrets from everyone you know. You learn to bury your very existence and create a person or persons even you don't recognize in yourself. It still affects your life later, but choosing to step out of it, get past it, stop accepting or stop using the excuse of a bad childhood. . . there still is life.

As you said in a blog about parenting, "most is common sense" and yes it is, but it's only common sense if someone KNOWS it! And for those that do have common sense, there is still something to learn for everyone interested in being the best mom or dad for their children.

It would be nice to have your blog be REQUIRED reading in correctional facilities, or to have your book available for new father's to buy while in that gift shop they run into for a teddy bear and balloon. Not to add to your busy life, but a course or two taught at such institutions would be a bonus ~ nothing like a captive audience!

So keep shooting for those stars ~ SOMEONE, somewhere will always notice.
Eileen

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Whose Dreams Are They Anyway? Fathers and Sons

9/12/2013

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“Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the un-lived life of the parent."
~ C.J. Jung

A man in China is determined to make his son become proficient at adult-level activities that skip his childhood. His son is only 5 years old but has already been trained to sail a boat and fly a plane. Next up is a hike through Tibet. The young boy has also been forced to exercise in freezing weather without his clothes! This father calls himself an, 'Eagle Dad'. He was recently featured on the TODAY show.

In an odd way, this man is a better father than some out there. He is actively involved in his child's life. And although misguided in my opinion, he wants the best for his son. But what we have here is a father that is out of balance in the opposite direction of what we usually think - which is a dad not involved enough! This Dad is involved to the point of interfering in his child's normal development.

Many of us want our sons to be lawyers, accountants, priests, athletes, or whatever it is we wanted to be. We want our daughters to be moms, corporate leaders, dancers or doctors. Nothing is wrong with that until you push too hard your way while your kids show interests in other things. Beyond that, we have to allow our children to be kids first and to develop at a pace that is comfortable for them. This doesn't mean that kids never need to be pushed a little, but pushed to be a better them, not a better you.

This Eagle Dad is harming his son in ways the father may not understand. His son's maturity and emotional state are not ready for these more complicated lessons. In the words of Eagle Dad, "It's up to the parents to decide what kind of person they become." If he is talking about having values, a good attitude, and integrity, he has a point. If he means being this or that, he is wrong!

How many times have we seen child actors/actresses get into trouble through drugs, inappropriate behavior, or even die through suicide, carelessness and dangerous activity? These issues can often be blamed on a rush through childhood - when the natural lessons of growing up are lost; and when expectations are more than they can handle.

Being aware of and supporting your children's' dreams should be an unselfish endeavor. It's natural and expected for a dad to introduce his interests to his children, but don't expect them to be you or to fulfill your dreams. It is their life to live and not yours.

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When Fathers Don't Become Dads - Statistics

9/10/2013

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“Most of us become parents long before we have stopped being children.”
~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

The fathers and mothers who are thoughtful enough to read this blog are usually not the people that need to read it. To them (to you), what I say in this space is mostly common sense. One reader asked me what I meant by a comment I made about "not performing their parental duty". If I understood her, she was wondering what it might be that she, or her husband, may not be doing for their children. My answer was that basic parental duties are 'being there, love and comfort, and nurturing'. To this young mom, this was not a revelation. These are things you just do!

But these basic needs of children are not that clear to all! There is the17-year-old father who can barely take care of himself; or the new, 32-year-old father who has lived a mostly selfish single life; or the businessman who has been too busy to really pay attention to his kids. These are the men that are my primary 'targeted' audience. Too many of these men give up their fatherly duties too easily, or don't even try. Some of these men want help, the others should get help anyway!

I don't know how to reach these men, but this blog is one attempt. Every kid deserves two parents, two sets of eyes to look over them, each having different strengths. Maybe one of you responsible moms or dads will refer this blog to a man or boy who needs help or guidance in being a dad. If these men only knew how important they are, how desired they are by their kids, they may be energized. Any improvement in 'being there' for their families would help because the impact to society of fatherless homes is devastating!

Children from fatherless homes are *:

15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
4.6 times more likely to commit suicide
6.6 times more likely to become teenaged mothers
24.3 times more likely to run away
6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions
10.8 times more likely to commit rape
6.6 times more likely to drop out of school
15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager

This blog and my book, 'The Power of Fatherhood' are focused on educating inexperienced fathers, but even good dads and moms can use some help and discussion on parenting. The topic on parenting does not take place enough. Society reveals this everyday.

Children would thrive if they had both a caring and loving mother, and father! And so would society!

* From a 1999 Report from the Department of Health and Human Services

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Real Dads Provide Courage and Coaching

9/8/2013

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“If I had more skill in what I'm attempting, I wouldn't need so much courage”
~ Ashley Brilliant, English Author

Did you ever watch the ski jump competition at the Olympics? How do these athletes do it? How can they get on top of that jump, look down, and give themselves freely to gravity, speed and who knows what?

In the 1980s I was on a business trip to Oslo Norway, sight of the 1956 Olympics. I decided to walk to the Holmenkollen Olympic Ski Jump which remained high on a hill overlooking the city. When I got to the base of the jump, the view, the height, the dizzying height was amazing! All of Oslo lay before me. But this was only the base of the jump, not one step up to the top where the wild ride begins down an unbelievably steep slope.

Many times growing up, I had something before me that looked like my own personal ski jump. And unfortunately, many times I walked away. I needed someone to coach me, someone to give me the courage I lacked within me alone. In my situation, my dad wasn't there to coach me and my mom was too busy raising six children alone.

Courage comes best in small doses. Imagine how a young boy, who doesn't know how to swim, would feel if you threatened to throw him into the deep side of a pool? You could think that approach would be best, like yanking off a Band-Aid...the quicker the better. But you could also be making a big mistake! More likely, you have to get his feet wet first. The same may be true for learning to ride a bike, playing baseball, or joining a debate team.

'Easy does it' is the approach you want to take for most of their challenges. For instance, I would guess a student ski jumper starts by jumping off the equivalent of a kitchen table, then a little higher, and a little higher, getting more and more comfortable, and more and more courageous with every success.

If you push your children into something they fear too quickly, they may push back. If you push even harder, a real issue can develop. Let them ease into the water. Put training wheels on their bike. Play catch with them before they join a baseball team. Let them perform a speech for you alone. Then, they will be ready for the next step. And when they reach the equivalent of the bottom of the ski jump hill, they will feel exhilarated!

Now occasionally your child just has to do something cold turkey. For example, the first day of school may cause a lot of anxiety as would getting a flu shot. Small steps can't always be applied but encouragement is always a good idea. Know when small steps will help. Know when throwing them into a situation, with a little pep talk, is best. Know your kids! Dads, be the encouraging figure your children need!

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The Rewards of Being a Dad

9/5/2013

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There is a chapter in my upcoming book about the rewards of fatherhood. The greatest reward, of course, are successful, kind and fulfilled children. But there are little things that also feel great! A simple loving note, a request for advice, a smile when your children see you.

Below is a true story of a reward one father received that was something else! And while some will see the reward as the old car, the REAL reward was the love that drove his sons to do this wonderful thing for their Dad!

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