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An Open Letter to Every Child Who Worries Too Much

4/29/2019

Worry: To torment oneself

Last week, at a St. Louis Cardinal Baseball game, I was walking in the corridors between innings with my ten-year-old granddaughter. She noticed there was a medical cart with a stretcher on it and asked me why it was there. I told her that sometimes people fall or experience heat exhaustion, etc. and need medical attention. With 47,000 people in the ballpark, it would be likely that someone may need medical help. Immediately she asked if I thought anyone would get heat exhaustion today (it was 76 degrees), and where would they take them? “How often do people fall”? “What happens when people get heat exhaustion”? She continued showing concern for people she didn’t know about things that hadn’t happened. We were there to have a great time, but her focus was elsewhere.

Her anxiety was not an isolated incident. My granddaughter worries continuously about things she hears on the news, things she sees on TV, the fate of people and animals, and things that might happen – even if unlikely. Although her parents are frequently reassuring her, it doesn’t seem to help. Because I don’t want her to go through her young life like this, I decided to write her a letter, but I have not decided to give it to her, yet. I leave that decision to her parents.

Knowing she is not the only person, young or old, who wastes precious time worrying, I thought I would share this letter in my blog, Helping Fathers to Be Dads. I tailored this letter to my granddaughter, but much of what I say is appropriate for anyone who has a loved one that tends to mistake ‘worry’ as something kind, as some type of salve that will make things better. It is sad to see someone else who is unhappy or in some distress. But to see someone who is sad when they have many other reasons to be thankful or when nothing wrong has happened to them, it is a waste of their precious time on this earth. This letter is my attempt at an argument that might help those worriers to enjoy their lives better.

* * *
Dear Granddaughter,

When you came into the world, it was then I knew that being a grandfather was what I always wanted to be. When you were a baby and toddler, I had the privilege of spending time with you, one-on-one, being completely taken by your joyous and adorable personality. As you grew, you remained as sweet as the day you were born, and it was apparent you had gifts of intelligence, creativity, and empathy for others. I wouldn’t change a thing about you, but there is one thing I’d like to bring up to hopefully help you live a more cheerful life.

Too many times I’ve seen the sadness in your eyes as you have seen the struggles of others and felt their pain. Your concern for them is one of your finest traits, and I love you so much for it. But don’t replace empathy for others with wasteful worry. Your heart is big, big enough to share it with others. Even the potential of sad events is worrisome to you as you suffer in small amounts, stealing from your deserved happiness and right to a childhood that should be as innocent and lighthearted as possible.

I hope you understand that adulthood will bring you new and immediate concerns. But they will be concerns that more directly affect you and, fortunately, you will be better prepared and capable of handling them. You will move from worrying about things you cannot change or fix to issues that you can attack to the best of your given abilities. Being able to address a concern is comforting and something you will do. What will not change is life as it has been for thousands of years - full of good things and bad, joy and sorrow, miracles and tragedies, and ups and downs. The cycle of life and the survival of the fittest are the very essences of nature. We are sad for the antelope that is captured by the lion and forget the lion has to survive lest we will feel sadness for its starvation.

What I am trying to say is captured in one of the most famous prayers ever spoken – The Serenity Prayer! Read it and live it. There is only negativity and anxiety in placing worry in things you cannot correct on your own. While this insight is true, it is undeniable that turning away untouched by unfortunate events is difficult. However, unless you have a role in a heartbreaking development, you have no reason to feel guilt or responsibility for it. All you can do is say a prayer for those involved and then accept what you cannot change, pushing the sorrow out of your consciousness. When you do, you will be free to concentrate and improve upon those things near and dear to you, making them better. That’s your way to make the world a better place, by looking past where you have no power and towards where you can do so much good.

You are who you are, and I would never want to change you. I want the best for you because you have so much to give. You can do so much more if not burdened by those unchangeable things that hurt your sweet, loving heart. You can worry all you want and feel bad for others, but it won’t solve one thing. Worry is exhausting - a thief of energy and serenity – and as worthless as that worrisome thought last week, whatever that was?

Worrying about something that may happen in no way eases the pain even if it does happen - and usually, your worries will never come about. Turn on your ‘worry radar’ and shoot down that worry before it gets ahold of you. Do it by thinking what good you can do for yourself, or others you love, in its place. If you try a little each day and remind yourself that you can make the world a better place without worry, you will become a powerhouse among all those you touch and so very pleasant to be around.

Love,
Papa

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The Fortunes of Misfortune

4/19/2019

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"""…if a seemingly unfortunate aspect of a life has proven to be beneficial overall, then it would appear not to have been a genuine misfortune.” ~ Saul Smilansky

The above quote by Smilansky is probably true. All of us have benefitted from events that seemed, at first, to be unlucky or regrettable. True misfortune is not learning from any unfortunate aspect of your life or giving up when things appear bleak. The strength of misfortune is undeniable. It often works in one of two ways - by making the strong, stronger - or the weak, weaker. Of course, some misfortunes wake up the weak and, negatively, eventually defeat those that were once strong.

One may be surprised by how many failures burdened those who ultimately found success. If interested, here are stories of 48 people who suffered numerous failures before their success. These are the people who become stronger with misfortune, learning from failure. You will never know those who gave up unless you know them personally. They are buried among the multitudes.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin wrote on his Facebook page,

“As a young man I applied to be a Rhodes Scholar twice and was turned down both times. Just think how different my life would have been if I'd been accepted. ‬I'm sure I never would have become an astronaut much less walked on the moon. Sometimes your greatest disappointments or failures lead to your greatest success. So just remember, failure is always an option.”

How do we regard misfortune?

I turned the misfortune of growing up poor into the advantage of getting a 'need-based' academic scholarship to an expensive private university. I could never have afforded the top-notch education I received otherwise. Of course, misfortune is relative. When I say I had the misfortune of growing up poor in a broken home, that’s a relative misfortune. After all, I was born in the United States, not in the mountains of Afghanistan. Then again, those barren mountains in Afghanistan may bring happiness to those who know nothing else. Unlike many areas in the world, I had enough to eat. Never did I live in terror by fear of people who could dominate my life. I had schools to teach me, and I had a roof over my head most of the time. No, I could never claim to be a victim. When I think of victims, I think of the Holocaust or the killing of infant girls in China. No, my misfortune occurred in very fortunate circumstances!

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian psychology professor, wrote in his book The Evolving Self that most notably successful people (~70%) come from two types of atmospheres. One atmosphere is ‘struggle’ where individuals have a strong desire to escape their circumstance. The other atmosphere from which successful people emerge is from strong and often privileged families where much is expected of each other. Those in comfortable situations where expectations are light do not usually stand out. Their misfortune could be said to be their fortune. It’s clear we must have a purpose or motivation to move forward. It is also clear that those in relative comfort look at their misfortunes through a magnifying glass.

As stated in one of Garth Brooks’ most popular songs, “Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers”. But we are rarely aware of those gifts. Sadness or tragedies we have unknowingly avoided are not appreciated. Everyone has had seemingly unfortunate incidents that have ultimately saved them from something worse, never to be celebrated, never to be cherished.

Summary

Misfortune can be deceitful! It is only human to be disappointed with seeming failure or a lousy break. Allow yourself a brief pity party but bounce back with attitude! That attitude should be to look at any misfortune as guidance from God, nature, karma, or whatever, to what is best for you. With that attitude, even if you don’t believe in God, nature, or karma, you will have an advantage to those who wallow in their temporary misfortune. Do your best! Go with the flow! Make lemonade from lemons. Accept what you must and move on, but don’t except quitting, not unless you are honestly no longer interested in a goal.

Now if you live your life with this attitude, your family will notice and learn. That's "The Power of Dadhood"

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A Thesaurus for Victims

4/8/2019

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Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a ‘Thesaurus for Victims’? Just think about how better their life and language would be if they could replace their words of entitlement and victimhood with words of responsibility and encouragement! The list below may not be a real thesaurus, but something like it could be a start.

Don’t be a victim. Do be a victor
Don’t have a feeling of entitlement. Do earn what you want.
You don’t have adversity. You do have challenges.
You don’t need a safe space. You do need to communicate.
You don’t want to whine. You do want to win.
Don’t give excuses. Do give effort!
Don’t think life should be fair. Do know real life is not fair.
Don’t look for fault. Do look for solutions.
Don’t blame. Do find answers.
Don’t suffer in inaction. Do fight with action.

How one acts, thinks, and speaks, defines them. It doesn’t take long for most of us to size up someone if we are tuned in. If you’re an interviewer, you’re listening for hints about the interviewee whether the interview is for a job, a loan, or acceptance into a group. Keywords and certain attitudes will make the interview a success or failure. If you’re a parent, you may want to think like an interviewer when talking to your children on occasion. If you detect a victim attitude, it’s time for corrective action.

Who would you want as your son, or friend, or brother? Vic or Tim?

Vic was a victim because of all the adversity he had to face. He had real excuses for the failures that led to his suffering. He was never fairly treated and often blamed for the mistakes of others. His excuse is never being given the opportunities to which he is entitled. Vic needed to be understood, and he could only get that if he had a safe space with people who sympathized with him.

On the other hand, here’s Tim;

Tim is challenged by the goals he sets for himself. He meets head-on, the obstacles he faces. He accepts his struggles and takes responsibility, not only for his mistakes but for problems that may have been caused by the mistakes of others. He reasoned that his lack of success could only be corrected by first owning his decisions and miscalculations, correcting them, then moving forward. Tim knew he didn’t know all the answers and needed to communicate with knowledgeable mentors. He tried to consider the ideas of others.

Give me a Tim any day! You can have Vic…especially if you’re looking for excuses.

Summary

A real victim personality would never look for a ‘Thesaurus for Victims’. No! Anyone who feels entitled wants everyone to know they are entitled. Anyone who thinks they are mistreated wants the world to know it. There is no market for a ‘Thesaurus for Victims’. Vics don’t want it, and Tims don’t need it. Therefore, if you are a parent or mentor of a young person who tends to make excuses, it’s up to you to correct their behavior before it’s too late. We never judge people poorly when their failures are of effort and when they admit their mistakes. We judge them poorly (the Vics of the world) on their lack of effort and lack of ownership. Don’t be a victim! Even if you really can claim to be! It’s powerful!

#powerofdadhood

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Try Like Hell, But Don’t Give a Damn!

4/1/2019

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Me in my Undergraduate Pilot Training Days.

I did it all wrong! I almost blew the dream I had since I was a little boy. Fighting my way through the multiple schools I attended, dealing with introversion and extreme shyness, I had received a college degree, joined the military, and had been accepted into USAF Undergraduate Pilot Training (UPT). Since I was old enough to imagine, I wanted to fly. No, not like Superman, but like Charles Lindbergh or Chuck Yeager. That dream was the driving force that fought against my doubts of having the chance or ability to be a pilot. But now I had the opportunity I had been fighting for! I was at Laughlin, AFB in Texas with my shiny gold Second Lieutenant bars ready to be trained as an Air Force pilot. I would actually be flying jets!

Perhaps you can understand my enthusiasm and single-minded aspiration if you ever wanted something so desperately. I was on the cusp of a dream I always imagined, but one I never could convince myself would really happen. Now that I was here, it meant everything to me. I gave a damn! I gave a BIG damn, and that would become a problem. The ‘giving too much of a damn’ was complicated with the ever-recurrent doubts about myself. It was my first time away from home, and I was competing with mostly Air Force Academy graduates, young men who had been away from home and in the military atmosphere daily for four years. My lack of confidence was palpable and it fought against my desire.

Now, giving a damn about something would seem to be a characteristic that would be helpful, if not critical. I certainly believe this. However, to allow your passion to become a fear of failure is to cloud what you need to do to achieve it. Giving a damn can covertly defeat your goal by becoming a distraction. I allowed worry to occupy my mind instead of constant, intense, preparation -- not that I didn’t think I was preparing. On reflection, however, I did not ‘try like hell’ to study smartly, using every advantage available and forgetting my competition. I didn’t know what I was doing to myself! How crazy was this?

You cannot concentrate and worry at the same time. You can’t be a good shortstop if you are worrying about making an error. Philosophy of life and living was not a strength of mine back then. Because this is a blog about the importance of fatherhood, I mention that not having my father around contributed to the doubts I had about myself. He could have counseled or mentored me, and maybe I would have approached flight training with a different attitude. If I had been my father, I would have told myself to take care of business then accept the results. That advice is precisely what “try like hell, but don’t give a damn” means.

Of course, you should always give a damn about what you think is important. You do that best by setting a goal and doing what is necessary to achieve it. Once you have dedicated yourself to your best effort, forget about what the results may bring. The result of your best efforts will be what you deserve given your talents and competition. Most every time, this attitude will find success. If it does not, then you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! Acceptance of results after doing your very best is not difficult. It may be disappointing but not in the least devastating. Devastation is when you realize you missed out on something very important to you because you didn’t approach it fully armed with all you have. Something that almost happened to me!

I was lucky! After being at the bottom of my class in the first half of UPT (T-37 aircraft), I was in the top third of my class in the second half of UPT (T-38 aircraft). Time and experience helped me, but I still had much to learn about my approach to challenges. Eventually, with more angst than necessary, I got my silver wings, and it remains the very best job I ever had. I actually was paid to do what I would have paid them to do if I had the money.

I know I would have been a better student and pilot had I known what I should have known. And that is this - You can only control what you have control over. When you allow your mind to be cluttered with things you don’t have in your control, then you’ll be placing yourself at a disadvantage. Everyone has influence over the results in their life, but they don’t have control of the results themselves when competition and/or standards exist. Therefore, don’t give a damn about the results, don’t focus on them, just try like hell to influence those results to the best of your ability.

A Dad’s Role

As a father, you can be such a positive influence and indisputable force for your family! If you feed, clothe, and shelter your children, that is only the minimum requirements of fatherhood. Unfortunately, even these minimums are too often not met. But a Dad - an involved and nurturing father - can be the rock that his children need. He can explain concepts like “Try like hell, but don’t give a damn!” to help his children in their approach to the challenges they will certainly and necessarily meet throughout their lives. The Power of Dadhood is not only strong, but it has such powerful leverage! Just the simplest acts of love and nurturing will result in many multiples of wonder and success for the children of real Dads! A smile, a wink, a pat on the back, a suggestion, a correction, even a reprimand are all tools, and the magic wands, of Dadhood!

#family #powerofdadhood

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An Open Letter to Every Child Who Worries Too Much

​The Fortunes of Misfortune

A Thesaurus for Victims

Try Like Hell, But Don’t Give a Damn!

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The Fortunes of Misfortune