When it comes to bad fathers, I can think of three types. There is:

• the idiot, 
  
• the man who is clueless, and
  
• the man who thinks or says he has no control of his circumstances. 

I'll  briefly discuss each.

The Idiot Dad

The idiot covers a lot of ground i.e. those whose values are suspect, narcissists, criminals, drug addicts, and more. Many, and maybe most of these “bad dads” are still loved by their children. That’s one thing clueless dads don’t know--how many mistakes you can make a still be loved by your children. Heaven help the children born to idiots.

When I am “helping fathers to be dads”, which is the name of my blog, I put my emphasis on those that just need encouragement, help or confidence to be a better father. First is the clueless dad.

The Clueless Dad

Dr. Frank Pittman, a noted psychiatrist and author, had this to say about fearful dads in his book, Man Enough,

“If fathers who fear fathering and run away from it could only see how little fathering is enough. Mostly, the father just needs to be there.”

Of course, not every clueless dad wants to run away from his duties as a father; he just doesn’t know how to be a good father. This usually happens with men who, as boys, didn’t have a father figure in their lives, or did not have good examples to follow. As Dr. Pittman suggests, you don’t have to do much more than be yourself to be a good dad, assuming you are not an idiot.

Little kids simply want someone to point to and be able to say, “That’s my dad!” And they say it proudly! As I write in my book, The Power of Dadhood:

“A Dad doesn’t need to be handsome, strong, athletic, macho, rich, eloquent, college educated, or even married to the child’s mother. Although many men want to be these things, they don’t make a man a Man or a father a Dad. A Dad does need to be loving, available, caring, interested, and involved, a nurturing teacher, disciplinarian, coach, cheerleader, and so much more.”

My capital ‘D’ Dad is shorthand for a good Dad. If you even attempt to do all the things in the last sentence of my quote, your teenagers and grown children will continue to say with pride, “That’s my Dad!”

The ‘No Control’ Dad

Here I must explain that the only “No Control” dad that is a bad dad is the one who doesn’t try very hard to be involved with his children, attempts to be involved in the wrong ways, or blames others for his failures. That being said, some men have mighty battles to fight to be the good dads they want to be.

In a response to a November 12, 2013 article from the National Fatherhood Initiative, The Father Absence Crisis in America [Infographic], a father named Martin Bryant asks simply, “How do i remain in my kids life if i am battling the system [sic]”

It’s a good question! We have to admit, and understand, that the courts will always favor the mother when all else is equal, sometimes even if the father has an edge. Then, if the father and mother don’t get along, which is often the case, then the mother can be very uncooperative, not allowing the father to see his children. If her anger towards the father is misplaced, she can even ignore the children’s needs to see their father. Examples of this situation are, unfortunately, way too numerous! What can a good man, a good father, do?

“You can do anything you set your mind to!” is a quote we often hear. This is an encouraging thing to say to a new father, or one fighting for custody. When you hear things like this, you want to believe them. But tell that to a man who has battled for months or years to see his children.

A quote by Gillian Anderson comes closer to the truth.

“Just remember, you can do anything you set your mind to, but it takes action, perseverance, and facing your fears.”

Action involves getting help, learning, trying, and wanting to be a good dad. Perseverance means getting more help when needed, continued learning, never giving up, and never backing down from the things that scare you, that being “facing your fears”. If this advice scares you away too easily, then you will complain “I have no control”, and give up. That's a bad dad.

In the end, here is some advice from a man who has fought the battle to be involved in his children’s lives.

“We great fathers, for the sake of peace of mind, must acknowledge that there are really compelling and valid reasons why the courts favor the mother. Instead of slowly committing emotional suicide, compromising our own happiness and — more importantly — that of our beautiful children, maybe it’s time, against all odds, to e-mail your ex and write this sentence: “For the sake of our child, let’s make peace.” Peter Ehrlich, Single Fathers' Rights

Further from The Power of Dadhood,

“Don’t ever talk yourself out of being there for your kids. Your involvement or your absence will have an enormous impact on your children. They want you there with them, and if you feel the same way, it will allow miracles to occur that could have been nightmares. Your greatest leverage and influence is when your children are young; you need to be there for them in body and spirit.”

Summary

While there are many bad dads in the world, their percentages are quite low. But the harm they do to their children and society is significant. We need to help the men who are or could become bad dads by talking to them, mentoring them, and just encouraging them. Everyone who reads this has the opportunity and potential of serving that need to some father they know. Do it!

This is my first review of a book, and I can’t say enough good things about this one.

 It’s entitled “The Turning”, by Richard and Linda Eyre. It is a book about core families, how they matter in the world and how forces from all directions are taking away the basic functions that are best done in a family, by a family. The credentials of the Eyre’s to write on this topic are without dispute. They have vast experiences as parents, world travelers, authors of several books, and leaders in family matters. Richard is also the former Director of the White House Conference on Parents and Children.

 I wish I could have read “The Turning” prior to writing my book “The Power of Dadhood”.  They take the time to explain how the core family has slowly broken down and why it has happened with little notice and without a coordinated effort to stop the trend. I was, however, able to perform a quick edit, prior to my printing, to add a quote by Linda Eyre.

 “…nothing is more responsible for the pain and suffering in the world than the breakdown of families; nothing can heal and renew the world like the revaluing of families; and there is not nearly enough focus on how dramatically the state of families affects the state of society.”

I couldn’t agree more with Linda Eyre’s statement. It is something I knew and felt in my heart prior to reading "The Turning". My experiences as a child and a father told me that when families are whole and work together, their offspring are much better prepared to take on, and contribute to, the world. The Eyre’s validate my personal experience with a much more global look at the causes of the family breakdown.

The Eyre’s go on to tell us what families can do to save themselves from the outside forces that effectively, if not purposely pull families apart. Some forces that relegate the family to a lesser role, you may not have even suspected. After you read their book, you will see how difficult it is to fight these outside forces without strong parents. This idea dovetails perfectly with my focus in “The Power of Dadhood”, which is how the participation of fathers can make or break a family and the families that follow. The lessons in “The Turning” explain why strong dads are needed with strong moms in fighting the forces that are taking over the roles of the family. When one of the parents is missing, the fight is almost impossible. And when one parent is missing, it is almost always the father.

I highly recommend this book for all families and to institutions that work with and for families! It is an invisible crisis to many and one that, if not resolved, will cause many other crises as a result.

Note: "The Turning" is published by "Familius". They publish many other books with the goal of strrengthening families and family values. Take a look by clicking on their name--and while you're there, check out  Rino Alaimo’s "The Boy and the Moon"!

It was my father-in-laws birthday this month. He passed away eight years ago but my thoughts of him were strong. I was lying in bed this morning, a chance to sleep late after a few short nights, and I looked at my digital alarm clock. It was 8:08! I had been tossing around for a while, trying to get more sleep to catch up. But as I opened my bleary eyes to see the time, all I could see on the clock was ‘B:OB”. This was the morning after his birthday so I figured this meant something.

Bob, my father-in-law, was the first older man that I spent years being around, my own father being distant, an alcoholic, and a wandering merchant seaman. I looked up to Bob as someone who seemed to be full of confidence and success. He had risen from a machinist to the Director of Quality Control for a major defense contractor, although he left that job soon after I met his daughter. Besides my future wife, Kathy, Bob had an older son who was a year older than me, and a much younger daughter.  Bob had a definite ‘head of the household’ attitude, but did little in the household except bring home the bacon.  My mother-in-law, a sweet and smart housewife turned teacher seemed to worship her husband. I was impressed by this seemingly together family. Their house, in my humble world, seemed to be a small mansion

Bob and his family had moved to the Midwest from the East Coast after being offered his Director’s job. They had some adjusting to do in terms of culture. They once asked a waitress in a small Italian restaurant if she had mussels. She was offended! Mussels were not common in the Midwest back then. Certain items from the East could not be found  in St. Louis, and things we knew and loved, like pork steaks and toasted ravioli were foreign to them, but they came around.

I was a simple, poor, but honest 18 year old kid when I met my wife and her family. Being from the East Coast, Bob did not trust me and my ‘act’—although it wasn’t an act. I had a car that barely ran. It broke down often and it was hard to start. Smoke billowed from the exhaust so badly that I had to coast past police cars hoping they wouldn’t stop me. Many times I was late getting Kathy home because of my car. Bob simply did not believe me and thought I was full of (sh)it! He took my innocent attitude as an attempt to put something over on him.

As time went on, he could see I was really who I seemed to be—a guy with a lot to learn, but not a con-artist like so many of his acquaintances and friends had been. He came to like me quite a bit, and I could tell it was real. And even though he had a son my age, my father-in-law started to lean on me to help him. I did everything from rebuild my mother-in-law’s Chevy carburetor to putting in an attic fan. Mind you, I had never done these things before, but I wanted to help him and my other ‘Mom’, so I learned as I went.

My father-in-law, (I called him Mr. Farr for the 6 years I dated Kathy), had no interest in performing or learning household maintenance. I was his go-to man. His ego didn’t need the self-satisfaction of fixing something on his own. So self-assured was he, that he had no problem asking his wife to get him some milk as he watched TV, even though she was in their bedroom and had to walk past him to the kitchen to get the milk for him. They were truly a family from the 50s! He had always been into gambling, sports, and leisure but became even more so after he left his corporate job. He also had an interest in having his own business and opened up a small bar and grill, which he later unsuccessfully passed to his son.

When Kathy and I started out as a married couple, we were strapped for cash. We decided to ask Bob (he asked me to call him Dad after marriage) for a temporary loan to buy some furniture. He agreed but said he would have to charge interest. I was a little surprised so I checked into getting a bank loan and discovered their interest was lower. When I informed Bob of this he said, “Well get the loan at the bank then." I don’t remember being angry about this, just perplexed. Why did he want to charge us interest? Maybe it was a good lesson because Kathy and I have never leaned on anyone since.

It turns out he was not a great father, but I think he was a victim of the times and his culture. In his world, more prevalent in the East, the male was truly dominant. It was also evident in how they treated their son versus my wife. The son could do no wrong and lived at home through his mid-thirties, while I did all the jobs around their house. Kathy, on the other hand, doesn’t ever remember being held by her dad. Whether this is literally true or not, it sends chills up my back!

Kathy’s brother and sister came to be distant from their parents. I’m not sure why. When Dad (Bob) was dying of cancer, it was Kathy and I who took off work to take him to the doctor. Kathy was there almost every day to help him and her mom, who was also not doing well health-wise. Kathy was always looking for their acceptance. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law were not around to help. After he died, we didn’t even think they were going to come to his funeral.  They did show up late but did not go to the cemetery. Something I don’t understand allowed Kathy’s brother and sister to not have the unconditional love of their parents.

While Bob may have lacked as a father, he was a loving grandfather. Time and a new environment had softened him up. He loved to tease and arm-wrestle my son and was very affectionate to my daughters. They all loved him very much! He had always been a likable guy and very charming, but as a grandfather he also lost his superior, cool attitude that had helped him be a success in his work.

Bob never did much for me in obvious ways, but he did more for me than any other man ever did. He smiled when he saw me, and I knew he liked me. Bob would give me pats on the back and squeeze the base of my neck. Most of all, he respected and trusted me. Bob always made me feel good about myself and I can’t think of a better gift.

Before we knew he was dying, but maybe after he suspected it, he came to me in his living room and told me, “Mike, if anything ever happens to me, I want you to take care of Mom”. Mom had been showing signs of dementia and he was worried about her. He didn’t ask me. He didn’t have to. Of course I, along with Kathy, would take care of her. And we did for the few years she survived after he passed away. It was this act, this trust of me to take care of the most important person in his life, which gave me the idea I was a good and trustworthy person. It is an important thing to hear trust and confidence from a loved one, especially from a male mentor. His request was a special honor to me!

The message in this story is how important it is to have another male in the life of a young man. My father-in-law wasn’t perfect and no mentor need be perfect. His fond attention and acceptance of me was something I needed so much. I looked forward to our times together and I miss him still eight years later. Dad (Bob) was the most important male influence in my life!