Dads--along with moms, you are responsible for your kids' safety. You know that, but it is more than checking out your daughter's boyfriends--so much more. Sometimes, you even have to protect them from yourself!

Parents often blame themselves for the issues of their children. Others wonder, obliviously, why their children ever get into trouble. Parents can be at fault, but mostly it is not them directly. It’s their inability to deflect all the negative influences that are bombarding their children. That’s part of the reason it’s so tough to be a parent, especially these days. Both parents need to be involved! Following are some areas where your awareness and involvement can protect your children from having preventable issues.

Youthful absorption: Brain and intellectual development (from Leapfrog.com) 

This is one area where parents can directly influence their children in positive and negative ways. Children as young as three to four months react to, and can begin to share, a parent's repeatedly depressed or anxious mood. Also, when exposed to witnessing domestic violence or intense conflict at home, it is known that long-lasting detrimental effects on social and emotional development, and the brain itself, can begin as young as six months of age. In simple words, be careful how you act around your children! Even infants can be impacted adversely. To assume they are too young to absorb their surrounding environment has been proven to be false.

Don’t rely on educational TV to teach your kids. A child's inborn motivation to problem solve, which begins in the first three to six months of life and lasts into adulthood, is better responded to in interactive play and discovery with caring adults and other children. The best caring adults are parents and grandparents. Ninety-five percent of parents said it was important to read to kids, but only 20% actually did it more than once a day.

Play, love, interact, and teach your children as early as three months old, and don't stop until they beg you to stop.

Technology and Social Media

These days, a parent has to be socially aware of the myriad of things bombarding all young people. In my day there was TV, movies, and radio with strict ideas on censoring. In today’s world, there are computers, video games, and smart phones that can deliver any kind of uncensored information, much of it negative. Sex, violence, obscene behavior, questionable values, hate speech and more are all available with a few clicks on the internet. If you want to control the values in which you believe, you must be aware of the social media habits of your children. Computers, when used by children, should be used in a public area of your home. Look at ratings on video games and limit their use. It is also much safer to give your older kids simple cell phones and not smart phones. They will complain but you are the parent. 

Friends

Know your children’s friends. Just knowing their names is not enough. You need to be familiar with their families and personality away from adults. Those old enough remember the character ‘Eddie Haskell’ on “Leave It To Beaver” know that he had one face for ‘the Beave’, and another for his parents. You really have no idea what thoughts friends are whispering in your child’s ear. You have to give them the tools to combat the thoughts that are dangerous or socially unacceptable. Those tools are values, confidence, and communication.

Schools

Really get to know your kids’ schools and teachers. They have control of them for many hours of their lives. Know the principal and his philosophies for the school. Does the staff watch for bullies? What’s their curriculum? How do they handle misbehavior? Do they communicate with parents regularly? I emphasize not being a nuisance, but do show concern. Ask your kids how they are doing in school and if they enjoy it.

Knowing schools is more important when you and your child chooses a school for higher education. Some universities are known for tacit, and sometimes not so tacit, ideological manipulation. Some colleges hire professors known for their extreme views. There are even professors hired with criminal backgrounds. Look into the staff, administration, and professors. If you like their backgrounds, you’re good to go. If not, then move on to another school. If your child is paying for their own education, you can only advise. If you are paying for their education, your opinions count heavily.

Privacy

Children need privacy as a simple right. But they are not responsible enough to have the right to hide things from parents that parents might object to. As they grow older, they become more responsible and deserve more privacy but they must earn your trust. Share your thoughts on privacy with your children. You have to balance their need for privacy with your common sense and responsibility to protect them. Children fool and mislead their parents everyday. Don't assume you're kids are angels. If they are, they won't mind your concern.

You are the guardians against the negatives your children can and will experience. Know what to protect them from and how to do it. All children need to know how to protect themselves and to be confident in their parents when they need to talk. Their current safety and futures depend upon you dad, and you mom!

What’s going on in the NFL regarding the conduct of its players? Does their behavior reflect the public's? Do they tend to have issues within certain types of behavior? The recent incidents involving Ray Rice and Jonathon Dwyer (alleged domestic violence) and Adrian Peterson (alleged child abuse) has opened up the conversation about the behavior of NFL players that has often been overlooked and/or under punished. What do we know?

The Off-the-Field Stats

Since 2000, 725 players have been arrested for violations greater than a speeding ticket. Some teams have a much larger problem with arrests than others. Minnesota, Cincinnati, and Denver averaged around 42 players arrested in that time span while St. Louis, Arizona, and Houston averaged only 11. Has this something to do with drafting criteria? Certainly some clubs look into character and background more than others.

Most arrests involve DUIs (202), but assault and battery (88), and domestic violence (85) are very significant. But how does this stack up to the general public? The results may be surprising but there are many factors to consider.  

Are We Over-reacting  to the NFL's Issues?

When the arrest rates of all NFL players are compared to all men 25-29 years of age, we find that NFL players are arrested, on average, at just 13% of the all 25-29 year old men rate! Domestic violence arrests are at 55.4% rate of the 25-29 male general population. So while the rate of domestic violence is less than the rate for all 25-29 males, it is much more of a problem in the NFL than say, theft, burglary, or fraud. In other words, in the NFL, “domestic violence accounts for 48 percent of arrests for violent crimes among NFL players, compared to our estimated 21 percent nationally.” I draw from those statistics that having money can remove the incentive for theft, while it does nothing to remove or reduce learned violent behavior. Yet, overall, and in every category, NFL players are much less likely to be arrested than the average citizen.

Maybe we Aren't Over-reacting?

Does the lower rate of arrests for NFL players get them, and the NFL off the hook? Here are some things to consider. NFL players are in the top 1% of income levels. The average 25-29 year old males make about .05% (1/2000th) of an average NFL player (author estimate). If NFL players were compared to only the top 1% of all income levels, their arrests levels would, no doubt, skyrocket in comparison. Also, the NFL, their teams, and the players have the money to protect themselves legally, with professional mentoring, buddy assists, etc. Also, I confidently assume that less than ethical means are sometimes used to protect players through bribes, cover-ups, and turned heads.

The NFL doesn’t like bad actors either—to a degree! If a player gets in trouble but has marginal talent, he will likely be released, and quickly! However, if the player is popular or critical to the success of the team, or the NFL, he will get all the help he needs to minimize the situation. The NFL is not unlike other ‘families’, they protect their own in the interest of the family--until it’s no longer worth it to do so.

Can the NFL Negate a Poor Upbringing?

To me, it always comes back to the family. It doesn’t take a million dollar grant to learn that some of the best athletes come from unstable families. Look at Ray Rice. “Ray's father was gunned down in a drive-by shooting when he was 1 year old. Ten years later, his caretaking cousin and father figure died in a car crash.” He was raised on public assistance. This doesn’t make Ray Rice a bad guy, but his view of the world is different from many of us, even some of his NFL brethren.

Adrian Peterson also had serious family issues as a child. He lost his older brother at seven years of age after which his parents broke apart. When Adrian was 13, his father was arrested for laundering money for a crack-cocaine ring. Again, these facts were not any fault of Adrian Peterson, but he saw the world differently than if he had a responsible father to look up to. Jonathon Dwyer's childhood background has yet to be revealed, but I'm not expecting that his father mimicked the values of Bill Cosby.

Most likely, the lion’s share of arrests of NFL personnel involve those players who did not have solid family backgrounds. I can’t prove my theory of dysfunctional families regarding NFL players, but certainly the statistics prove that violence and ethical issues abound much more frequently in fatherless situations within the general public.

Even in the NFL, it’s all about the family. Just like parents that do not teach values nor punish digressions, the NFL has tacitly tolerated domestic violence as long as its flawed players benefit the NFL. The NFL is not responsible for the mindset of players entering their league, but it is the NFL’s responsibility to set standards and to enforce them! To some extent, they do. But it is clear to me that they pick and choose the standards and the punishment as it fits their needs, not with a blind eye for justice.

You will hear many praise the character and charity of tarnished NFL players. It’s not that they aren’t capable of doing good things. Many tarnished people do good things. In the book “The Godfather”, the main character did many good things. But he also took liberties in violent and/or unethical acts!

It (Almost) Always Goes Back to the Family

Yes. Pick any issue and I can find a way to bring it back to family, because so often, it is at least a factor. Money, fame, and preferred treatment does not change how these young men were raised. It just magnifies who they really are, whether that be good or bad. The responsible family shapes young men with purpose. Otherwise, they are molded with untrained and possibly immoral hands. 

The NFL family knowingly takes chances with flawed young men, and that is good. It provides them an opportunity to become great citizens. But the NFL must be responsible for player conduct by establishing clearer standards and limits on behavior--and following through with proper punishment when appropriate. After all, the NFL is their new family, as long as they are winners.

Slugg and Sara

I have a young, distant cousin who is an absolute genius. His IQ is stratospheric, but he is lazy and unmotivated to succeed at anything worthwhile. I’ll call him Slugg. Slugg does well in school without much effort, but is being misled by his success in school because it comes too easily. To be successful in life, Slugg will have to understand the need for improvements in his appearance, behavior, and social skills—about which he currently could not care less. He hangs out with others who have few, if any, standards. Intellectually, Slugg outclasses his peers, but when it comes to values, he is no better--and he will suffer for it if he doesn't change.

In another example, I recently read this on www.marcandangel.com.

“Two decades ago, when the bullies at our high school called her a nerd for being a virgin and a straight-A student, my best friend Sara smiled and confidently said, “Thank you.  I’m really proud of it.”  She honestly was.  What those bullies said never bothered her one bit”. 

The bullies that teased Sara were using ‘group-think’--believing they were avant-garde and rationalizing why their standards were not up to those of Sara. “Oh, she thinks she is ‘Miss Perfect’”, they might say. No! Girls like Sara don’t think they are perfect, they just have values. Those values guide young people to a better place than those without them. What happened to Sara twenty years ago still happens every day i.e., pressure to be what they don’t want to be. People have been known to pull others down to their standards to be absolved of their weaknesses.

Values protect your children

You can’t teach intellect to a child, but as a dad, or a mom, or an uncle, or grandparent, you can teach values. Values are the protective shield kids need to combat negative influences. Without this armor, they are vulnerable to all kinds of societal viruses. Ask yourself what values you teach to your children and are they sinking in? Sometimes your children are receptive to your values, sometimes they are not. Keep teaching those that are receptive. Keep on drilling those that aren't receptive, and never give in.

When one has values, there is usually someone rooting for them, or willing to give them a break. Whereas I would volunteer to help Sara to meet her goals, I would not have a desire to help my brilliant cousin Slugg. From Sara, I would expect cooperation. Her values and determination are more respected in the world than Slugg’s brain, infected with a lazy attitude. Too bad because his brain, harnessed with values and goals, could be invaluable.

I think part of my cousin’s issues are the fact that he was born to a socially irresponsible mother, and a father who has never had an interest in him. He lives with his grandmother who doesn't have the energy, or instinct for teaching basic values, nor does she have Slugg’s respect. Slugg needs to be pushed because he has no innate drive to succeed. He was never seriously challenged to do better and has no desire to strive for perfection. It’s a foreign concept to him, unless associated with achieving the highest level of a video game.

Appearance over values?

On the other side of the ledger are parents who want their children to be, or appear to be, perfect. Sometimes perfection is so desirable that values are ignored! How they get to the top in sports, academics, cheerleading, etc. is less important than making it. This can affect your children in very serious ways. Some kids will forever feel like failures for not measuring up to your very misplaced standards. Others will attempt to play the charade of perfection by any means necessary, which can require no respect for values. Perfection is a target, not a lifestyle. Having values, on the other hand, is a lifestyle--often a lifestyle that is not emphasized, or very difficult adhere to. It is a lifestyle that needs coaching.

You can protect your children by teaching them values and living those values as an example. Pick some of your favorite values below and be known for them, but don’t expect yourself, or your kids, to be perfect. That’s a value called forgiveness, or acceptance, or family, or love, or tolerance, or.........

One of the perks of fatherhood is the well-earned joy of grand-fatherhood! This is especially true when your children have married strong partners and are both responsible parents. This allows you, as a grandparent, to enjoy your grandchildren--and for your grandchildren to enjoy you. When you know your grandkids are being taught discipline at home, you can concentrate on love, attention, and maybe a dose of spoiling. All children LOVE ‘love', attention, and acceptance! And all kids deserve to be special to someone. Grandparents fit the bill perfectly. 

I now have three grandchildren--two girls and one boy. You don’t know true joy until you have grandchildren!

Malia

This story is about Malia, the oldest. She will turn six next week and is the most precious and precocious child I have ever known. At 18 months old, Malia could recite the entire ABC’s  and spoke in complete sentences. Around that time, I was showing her some fun things on my smartphone while babysitting. She grabbed it and started investigating the top, bottom, and all around. Without looking at me she said, "What's in there Papa...what's in there Papa?"

One day, just before her second birthday, we were watching a kid’s movie about dogs. In one scene, the dogs were running away from some danger in the middle of the night. Malia looked up at me and asked, “Papa, are those dogs nocturnal?” I was a little stunned, got on my smart phone and looked it up, then I answered, “I guess they are.”

Her attention to detail and her memory are spot on. I never question her version of things. Not after I came to the realization that her version was always right. I'll tell her "we haven't read this book". She'll then tell me when we read it and what the book is about. Once we were driving in an unfamiliar area. Malia, looking backwards from her toddler car seat and still in diapers said, “This is the way to Lilly’s house.” My wife and I looked at each other and smiled. Later on, we found out from her parents that it was the way to Lilly’s house. 

Her talent at manipulation is extraordinary. Mind games come naturally to Malia and using me as her pawn is literally child’s play. Once, as her grandmother and I were driving her home after a visit with her great Grandma Smith, she asked if we could get more toys for her playhouse --which was an old tool shed I had converted at my farmhouse. We asked her why she wanted more toys. Malia responded that she wanted more toys so her friends would have more things to play with. We told her how nice it was to think of her friends. 

Malia rarely comes straight out to ask for something, e.g. she will offer, “It's hot outside. Do you want some ice cream?” She very good about sharing, but when I cut something in half to share, Malia carefully studies each half as if it were the wings of a fairy princess, then chooses what she has determined is the larger one. I learned over time to make one half a little larger. It speeds up the sharing process.

Four days before her third birthday, I took her out to lunch. Literally to the waitress she said, "I'll have a strawberry Italian soda with a splash of cream please. Oh! And a grilled cheese!" I did not prep her for that. It came out of nowhere.

She is constantly teaching me things I don’t know. She explained to me the difference between a bee and a hornet. I didn't even ask. She speaks a little German because her dad is fluent. I recently said “wunderbar” to her to show off a little. She told me, “That’s not how you pronounce it.” Malia claimed I had said ‘Thunderball’. “Yes it is”,  I said confidently. Her response was, “Well, I know it’s not pronounced like that in Swiss-German.” 

If it sounds like she’s a ‘smarty-pants’, it’s not really like that with her. She is just precise about everything she has ever learned. If I say something is red, she’ll say it’s really more like orange-and she will be correct. When she watches TV, which isn’t often, she is mesmerized in concentration. You could do the hokey-pokey in front of her and she wouldn't see you. She knows “The Sound of Music” by heart and the names of all the Von Trapp kids.  Here recall for any movie, book, or outing is faultless.

Malia loves to sing and dance. She’s a little afraid of putting her face under water. She has a love of books, drawing, and pretending. Malia loves to pretend! We have played mermaids (my favorite). I've been a little brother, a princess, and a tea party companion. When I've added my two cents to the drama, Malia always said, "No, that's not right." She had total control of the plot. I really didn't like pretending. But I loved pretending for her.

While never hesitating to correct my mistakes, Malia also gives the tightest hugs, has the biggest smiles, and loves to hold my hand and skip. She often runs to meet me when I come over to visit. Sometimes when we are together, alone, or with her family, she will come up to me and silently climb on my lap, her curly blond hair tickling my nose. We have a connection that melts my heart. 

As her grandparents, Malia had our full attention for four years. Then her cousin and baby sister came along within nine months of each other. Malia has shown very little, if any, jealousy. She is wonderfully loving with both of them.  Her pre-school teacher told us she is a peace-maker and is very sociable with all kids. Whenever I picked her up from pre-school, she always hugged her friends before leaving.  When kids don’t reciprocate her friendliness, her feelings get hurt.

She is a sponge! If I use a word Malia doesn't know ( a rare occurance), she’ll always ask what it means and I will define it. Once I said I was famished. She immediately asked me, "What does famished mean?" The next time I saw her,  she told me she was famished.  

 She remembers every person she has ever met, especially kids, by name and what they did together, even if was two years ago. And socially aware? Malia scolds me if I eat a piece of fruit without washing it. When I put her seatbelt on, she tells me to make sure it is tight. Since she was tiny, she warned me to stop when the traffic light turns yellow. And she reads speed limit signs and asks if I am speeding or not. “Go fast but not faster than the speed limit!” --she'll tell me when wanting to get somewhere quickly.

The ‘coup de grace’ came when she recently said to me, “You know what Papa?” 

“No, what?” I responded.

“Everything you ever told me--I already knew.”

My ego was crushed (not really). Her mom and dad are always teaching her things about nature, etc.. I'm more just for fun. I tried to think of something that I had taught her--proving what a force of good I have been in her life.

I asked, “Didn’t I tell you what ‘famished’ meant?" 

Silence! I had her! She was quiet, then stumbled trying to get out of it. She hates to be wrong.  I had conquered this five-year-old, finally! She remembered that little jewel of knowledge I had taught her.

I had been concerned, before my other two grandchildren came along. How could I possibly love them as much as Malia? Well, it turns out that was just silly. They are all special in their own ways and loving them is as easy as falling off a boat and getting wet. Ryan is my buddy at 20 months. We both love trucks, cars, and airplanes. He loves to ride on my lawn tractor, play with my keys, and pretend to drive my truck. Rosie, who is 11 months, is my sweet addiction. She has a ready smile, very rosy cheeks, chubby legs, and half-moon eyes. She grins and waves to everyone as she happily coos. I cannot get near her without picking her up and dancing with her.  She snuggles right in. More about Ryan and Rosie later!

Yes, this grandparent thing is pretty special! Your grandchildren’s happiness depends very much on how you raised their mom or dad.  Happiness and love, like Malia’s brown eyes, can be passed down, generation to generation.

HAPPY 6th BIRTHDAY MALIA!!!! Papa LOVES you!

What we really want to believe, are often those things that make life easier for us. Those things that tell us there is a shortcut in life. The things that validate the reasons for our lack of accomplishment. We want to believe the success of others came about by luck or manipulation. We raise our cup to those that say what we want to hear when we are too busy to research it ourselves. We sneer at those we disagree with us for the same reason.

This article is not directly about my usual topic--fatherhood. But the issues discussed abound in fatherhood—how we raise our children, what we teach them, what we fear, how we mold them to be just like us, or cause them to be the opposite of us, and how we apologize to them. We are products of our upbringing and our children will be the products of your upbringing.

We are not taught to be biased, but what we are taught creates bias

There is no way to eliminate bias. It’s who we are, and those biases aren't always liabilities. Before we believe what we want to believe, we are taught what to believe. If a boy from Wisconsin is adopted by a couple from Chicago, he’ll likely grow up rooting for the Bears and against the Green Bay Packers. Jews raise Jews. Those who believe in Islam, raise their children to believe in Islam. Catholics raise Christians. Children of agnostics tend to raise agnostic children. We want to believe our heritage as sacrosanct. Beyond that, it is easier to believe what we are taught. Just ask any anyone who has challenged their family or religion by a contradictory lifestyle.

I am just as guilty as anyone. I too, believe what I want to believe, but I also have an awareness. I am aware of my bias and therefore try to consider the other side. My mind is not often changed, but I may have a more sympathetic view of an opposing thought. That alone, a more sympathetic view from both sides of an issue, would work miracles in reducing hate, and improving cooperation.

Bias in society

Let’s face it, one of the reasons the world is screwed up in so many ways is because we human beings are not sympathetic to the viewpoints of others. We rally around like-thinking people to air our complaints--but we rarely air competing views when we feel alone or outnumbered. Only the brave speak out when it is not politically correct for them to do so. Being brave, however, is not enough. You must have facts, an open mind, and not be emotional.

Among the brave is the young white college girl, marching with a majority of Blacks to protest unfair treatment of Blacks by police. Does she have unbiased evidence, an open mind, or has she been taught to feel guilty because she feels ‘privileged’? Also among the brave is Dr. Ben Carson, a Black man who escaped the ghetto to be a successful surgeon. He believes Blacks could better themselves by taking responsibility for the state of their lives and families, and to stop blaming others. Does Dr. Carson have the facts, an open mind, or is he unsympathetic to the historical plight of Black community of which he is a member? Both are speaking out of--what would be conceived as--their natural comfort zone.

It’s good when we can understand the other side of an issue, or hear it from someone who doesn't have an ax to grind. It could be both sides are right depending on where the shadows fall. As I have mentioned, most of us are taught what to believe by parents, friends, teachers, religion, the media, mentors, etc. My advice is to listen to them, but challenge them also--not necessarily directly, but in your own mind. To have biases is human, but bias is a leaning. Bias shouldn't be an immovable position anchored permanently with cement.

Examples of bias

We are biased within our head, within our family, within our community (political, race, country, sex, etc.), and within our religion. The only place where bias is accepted and understandable is sports. Bias in sports is for competition, fun, bragging rights, and escape. The most dangerous place where bias exists seems to be in religion. We've seen it over the centuries and we are seeing it, tragically in the Middle East, today! But blind bias is harmful whenever and wherever it exists. You can find various examples of bias here.

Bias exists even with reasonable people. Bias is most dangerous, however, with unreasonable people. You can not reason with some people any more than you can dribble a deflated basketball. At least you can inflate a basketball. Everyone wants to be on the ‘right’ side, but not everyone wants to be on the side of the truth. Being on the ‘right’ side is comfortable because it is right for you. Being on the side of truth, however, can be very painful. Sometimes too painful to bear!

My bias, until convinced otherwise

I believe our societal issues are not schools (bias: blame teachers), not race (bias: blame the other race), not crime (bias: blame the economy), not the economy (bias: blame politics). Those are symptoms of the real issue--the breakdown of the family. That’s what I want to believe. That’s my bias, not because I was taught it, not because it is easy, but because every issue points to it. Involved families would create better schools. The worst schools are in the worst neighborhoods. The worst neighborhoods have the worst economy. The worst economic areas have the most crime. The worst areas for criminal activity have the least effective families. The least effective families most likely do not have an involved father in the home.  This is why I write about fatherhood.

Summary

I am very hopeful that open-minded thinking will grow. The kind of thinking that gets to the root of an issue, not the convenient biases people like to use. This is difficult to believe at times because closed-minded people have voices that are loud, angry, and demanding. You notice them, and sometimes you fear them. Fear is one of their tools, used in place of logic. When we hear loud voices, it’s often the sound of insecurity. Confident people are usually quiet people.

Bias will continue but, with open-minded, sympathetic thinking, we can normalize the biases that exist. This, more than anything, takes education and the leadership of fair-minded people, not hate mongers. It can be difficult to be persuaded to an unfamiliar way of thinking. However, it is easier for us all if we ‘live and let live’ when no one is harmed by an alternative view.

Bias is a story you tell about yourself--or a story told by anyone. Really courageous people admit when they are wrong. I haven’t always been courageous, but I want to believe that I’m working on it.