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30,000 Days! – A New Year’s Resolution

12/31/2014

“I never thought what my philosophy is, but it has to be balance in everything you do.”

~ Abdullah Badawi

A New Year, 2015! It’s a little scary how fast the calendar pages change month to month. The passing of time is something I can’t change. However, I can change what I do with this most precious of gifts (time). This topic supports my theme , “Helping Fathers to be Dads". I will tie Dadhood in later.

I always try to catch myself when I’m wishing tomorrow would come or today was over. Bad days come and go, but days just go! If you’re very lucky, you’ll have 30,000 or more days in your life. That sounds like quite a few, but I’ve already used 23,674 myself. The good news is, I feel a lot better and more optimistic than I would have thought when I was, say 10,000 days old (27 years). Even better is knowing I’ve done the things with those days that are most important to me.

When days passed are not wasted, they aren’t lost. Just like money, when spent on things worthwhile, you have value for value. But days are much more valuable than money. So what is the best way to spend 30,000 days (more or less)? Of course there are multiple ways that can result in a productive and satisfying life. But my New Year’s resolution is to do so with BALANCE!

I really want balance in my life. Being balanced means being poised and secure about one’s self. Real balance is knowing when enough is enough and when not enough is not enough. I find that I’m not really good about that, not many are. A balanced person would not waste efforts over which they have little or no control (e.g. world peace). Nor would they waste their energy on negative thoughts or retribution (e.g. suffering for all my enemies).

However, just wanting balance is not enough. It takes time, effort, and most importantly, realization of the things you need to work on. I’ve noticed that when I am the angriest, very unhappy, or the most temperamental is when I am out of whack (balance). What is it about us that gets out us of balance…and why? Most importantly, what tools or methods can we employ to self-correct our imbalance?

I’ve noticed some things which I have allowed to get me out of balance. Those include:

Being misunderstood or not understanding others
Not getting time to myself when I need it or being alone too long
Placing too much attention on others or placing too much time on myself
Too much work or too much play
Being rushed or having to wait
Needing control or being controlled
Challenging myself too much or feeling like I’m wasting opportunities
Lastly, being around other people who are, themselves, out of balance

What I now realize is all of those things are my fault! I have control over all of those extremes. Sure others contribute, but I am the only one that can fix me (perhaps with a little therapy).

What are the fixes?

There are no easy fixes that I’ve yet to come across. To just keep your cool and don’t get frustrated sounds like good advice. But I’ve found myself in tense situations and being mindful about it, kept my cool. But sometimes I really didn’t keep my cool, I just wrapped up my frustrations and tucked them away inside--instead of tossing them aside. When you do that, those frustrations will pop out at the most inopportune times. Keeping your cool is just a band aid, not a cure. We’re only human, so getting out of balance is not something we are going to eliminate, but we can become more balanced with a little awareness.

Awareness

Awareness is simply knowing one’s self and where one’s weaknesses lie. For example, if you are going to your daughter’s dance recital, you know there will be thirty-nine other dance routines to sit through. (I sheepishly deny having an issue with this myself.) If you are impatient and have a difficult time sitting still, remember what is important here. Your family! Have a plan, in advance, that will not cause any friction (i.e. one you can get away with). Breathe, meditate, take bathroom breaks, look for talented dancers, but be pleasant. Imagine you are in coach on a jam-packed transoceanic flight, where you’d appreciate some dance recitals to get your mind off your cramping legs and swollen ankles. And when your daughter is on the dance floor, be as present and aware as if it were the ninth inning of the seventh game of the World Series!

The key is not to try to change everything about yourself at once. Hiccups, steps backward, will happen, just make small adjustments over time and you will determine what works for you. When presented with a challenging situation, keeping your cool will work in the short term, but I suggest that after bottling up some frustrations that seem to be percolating within, go to a safe place and let go. For example:

Run as fast as you can to exhaustion!
Scream until you’re blue in the face (use a pillow when in earshot of others).
Go to the gym and annihilate a punching bag.
Chop wood!

Quotes on Awareness

Now I’m not sure all of the tactics above are encouraged in Buddhism, but Buddhists do believe in the self- awareness aspect.

“Conquer the angry one by not getting angry; conquer the wicked by goodness; conquer the stingy by generosity, and the liar by speaking the truth.” Buddha

And a Christian view:

“Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching. Persist in this, for by so doing you will save both yourself and your hearers.” 1 Timothy 4:16 English Standard Version (ESV)

Balance in Dadhood

I wrote an article for the ‘National Fatherhood Initiative’ in December 2013 called “The Seven BEs of a Successful Dad”. One of the ‘BE’s was BALANCE, suggesting the other six 'BE’s must have balance with each other and within each to be effective. I invite you to read, or reread this article if you are a dad, or a mom!

One more thing! You can remain in balance by always staying in the middle--but that is not living. Work hard--then rest totally, help others--then think about yourself, be serious--then be silly. Like balancing yourself on a bike, it's much easier if you keep moving forward!

Be aware of when you are in need of balancing, and do it!

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One of My Favorite Christmases Ever!

12/24/2014

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The Smith Farmhouse

It was Christmas of 2010. Two years earlier we had bought a farmhouse in the rolling hills of Eastern Missouri, just three miles from where Daniel Boone spent his last few years. It was a solidly built home built in 1900 of solid, real 2 x 4 oak. My brothers and I had spent many weeks rehabbing and transforming the house, not from its basic charm, but a new window here, reclaimed wood floors there, and bathrooms that severely required updating. And best of all, we transformed an old canning kitchen to a fireplace room with lots of windows.

My wife Kathy and I had decided the previous Christmas to start a tradition of having Christmas Eve with our extended family at the farmhouse. Our two daughters, with husband and future husband in tow, our first grandchild, just two years old, my mom, a niece and her three children, and my brother’s family all gathered that first Christmas Eve at the farmhouse--as we liked to call it. Especially nice was having my son with all of us! He had missed so many Christmases, as he will this one, because of his service in the US Army overseas

That morning it had started to snow. Not just flurries or a wet snow, but a real Norman Rockwell snow that fell in buckets of ornament-sized flakes. There was not a wisp of wind, allowing the snow to fall in a gentle, rocking motion. As it built up from two, to three, to four and more inches, the snow had a muffling, insulating effect. If you have ever been outside in a deep blanket of pristine snow with nothing stirring around you but a few cardinals and starlings, you know how deafeningly quiet it can be. The scene of a fresh snowfall over the fields and hills, along with a numbing quietness is, to me, uncommonly inspirational and a refreshment to the soul.

Me and my daughter Rachel

Despite the snowfall, everyone successfully navigated the snow-covered country roads and showed up one carful after the other. My mom came with a perfectly tan-crusted apple pie. My brother Bob and sister-in-law Ellen came with their teen-aged son and daughter, Timmy and Mandy. Immediately they wanted a family photo with the snow covered pines in the background. My oldest daughter, April and her husband (yet another Mike) came with the best present of the day for me, my granddaughter Malia. My son Mike was busy shoveling snow off the sidewalk that led to the back door as my niece, Stephanie, arrived with her three kids, all in their pre-teen years.

Timmy, Ellen, Bob, and Ellen

The farmhouse filled up quickly with people, food and chatter. The windows were steamed up with a turkey Kathy had in the oven. We pushed a couple of tables together, not of the same height, and crowded sixteen chairs where we could. Evening approached as we sat down for dinner with enough food for three Christmases. It was still snowing and we all felt a little magic in the air.

Me with Caitlin and Malia

After we stuffed ourselves, a few of us and the kids went outside to play in the snow. My son-in-law, Mike, found a bucket and a rope and pulled Malia around the yard in her own little sleigh. Caitlin, Stephanie’s oldest child, found a small sled and after a few trips down a small hill, also pulled Malia around as we all caught snowflakes on our tongues. Caitlin’s sister, Lauren and brother, Colin trouped back inside with Malia to watch a kid’s movie. I had my camera in hand and took a photo of them outside the window. Photos like that are always so nice after they have grown. I also tried to trick them jingling some sleigh bells outside, hoping it sounded like Santa flying by, but the older ones didn’t fall for it.

Mandy and Ellen with ornament-sized snowflakes.

Later, we played what had become a Smith Christmas tradition, Christmas Bingo. A few days earlier, we go buy the cheapest toys ($1 to $5) at a dollar store, wrap them all up for a boy or girl, then whoever wins a round of bingo picks out a toy to unwrap. They love it! They love opening presents no matter what’s inside and they have fun with the toy that night, and it usually only lasts that night!

Sledding

After all the food, conversation, games, and play, all were exhausted, but almost everyone helped to clean up. (I had to play with the kids). Then all were off to their homes to go to bed for the big reveal the next morning….except for Stephanie, Caitlin, Lauren, and Colin. They stayed the night at the farmhouse and woke up with excitement to a classic Christmas morning, in the quiet countryside, covered in snow.

The kids watching a move while I spy from outside.

That was a wonderful Christmas! I can’t believe it took me four years to capture it in words! I just wish my other three grandchildren, who have come along since, could have enjoyed it. Hopefully, they will have many memorable Christmases, and I hope to be there for many of them.

Have a very Merry Christmas!

Snowing into the night!

Our Family!

Mike shoveling snow.

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Don't Think of a Camel!

12/18/2014

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Photo: Wallpapertvs.com

I suggested something in my book, The Power of Dadhood, to make a point. The statement was, “Don’t think of a camel.” You may ask why I would say something like that, especially in a book about fatherhood and parenting. As I am about to answer that question, I ask you... “Did your camel have one hump or two?”

While my request was to NOT think of a camel, most of you did think of a camel in varying degrees of detail. The point being that human mind does not pick up on negative descriptors such as “don’t” or “isn’t” to the same degree as the subject or object of a sentence. The same thing happens when talk to your kids. Tell your six year old ballplayer, “Don’t strike out!” and you've put the thought of striking out in his head. Better to say “Keep your eye on the ball!” a much more positive and helpful suggestion.

This example was to show how negativity can sneak its way into our conversation. But negativity can also be as obvious as...well, ugly on a camel (see photo) . So what can we do to avoid negativity in the home?

Buddha said "what you think, you become". The Swami Vivekananda was quoted as saying "We are what our thoughts have made us; so take care about what you think".
We are what we think about! Too often, what we think about is what we hear all day. Your children are exposed to negativity quite a bit these days and the least you can do as a parent is to not add to the negativism they will face in the world.

Be Aware and Beware of the Negativity

Before I get into more specifics for the home, here are some examples of how we react to the negativity that's continuously reported in the hyper-present media.

Parents become over-protective of their children due in part to the frequent news of child-abductions. No doubt there are children that have been saved by this over-protectiveness, but far more have been restricted from fun adventures and stimulating experiences like those I had as a child playing on my own and with friends. The dangers then were likely the same, and if it was safer in my day, it is only because fewer people have abducting children introduced into their thinking.

Every day you hear about the persistent threat of terrorism, then one day a strange looking man walks into your church. The service is almost over yet he walks in late, with a briefcase…and we wonder, if not worry. Fleeting thoughts of danger comes to one's mind about the man and his briefcase. It is true that terrorism is more common in today's world, but the likelihood of you being injured by terrorists is less than your chance of winning the lottery.

Police are held to a higher standard, and when we see them make a mistake or act in a roughish manner, we assume more of them are inept or acting illegally than truly are. Their acts to protect and serve us are taken for granted and often forgotten.

We are affected by the constant barrage of negativity and bad news that now surrounds us with the twenty-four hour news cycle.

Minimize Negativity in Your Home

In the home, parents are the equivalent of the media. If you focus on the negative, so will your children. If you tell them they are bad, they will come to believe you. If you tell them over and over that they are lazy, they will accept that they are lazy and may become so in reality.

I’ve read in various articles on language that positive statements must outnumber negative statements three or five to one, otherwise the conversation will be harmful to the person you are talking to. There is always a better way of saying something if you care enough about the person to whom you are speaking.

Instead of saying “How can you be so stupid!” say, “Can you explain to me why that happened?”
Instead of saying “You look terrible in that dress!” say, “I think your blue dress would look even better!”
Instead of saying “I am so disappointed in you!” say, “I know you can do better than that.”

Beyond what you say, it is how you act, react, and treat other people that will paint a picture for your children. We are not often aware of how we look to others. That requires some self-awareness on our part. It takes an incident, a comment, or self-reflection to see ourselves as others may see us.

An article in Psychology Today gives this advice: "choose your words wisely and speak them slowly. This will allow you to interrupt the brain’s propensity to be negative, and as recent research has shown, the mere repetition of positive words like love, peace, and compassion will turn on specific genes that lower your physical and emotional stress. You’ll feel better, you’ll live longer, and you’ll build deeper and more trusting relationships with others—at home and at work."

Translated—THINK before you speak, especially when it involves correcting your kids. Try to be positive even when the situation is not. You and those you are speaking to will come out ahead.

At the extreme end of a negative environment, where excessive shouting and even violence can occur, children can be traumatized. Being exposed to such behavior disrupts children’s brain development and impairs their later health and well-being. This must never happen! Be honest with yourself and get help quickly if this happens too often.

Lastly, humor has a way of relaxing any atmosphere. Be humorous, or at least lighthearted, as often as the situation allows. With that said;

What do you name a camel with NO humps?

Humphrey!

Get it? :)

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Teach Your Children Well - Planning Ahead!

12/15/2014

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The North Shore of Oahu. Photo: M.Smith

This is a follow up to my last post -

A Story about Nurturing and Looking Past the Passion.

The entire point of the story was that all kids growing up need oversight! This involves being proactive, providing a little, maybe a lot, of mentoring. Some kids need oversight more than others and many need more than you might think. Parents are the ideal teachers and are in the best position to provide the help their children need, but only if they are aware of their children’s weaknesses. Regardless of their weaknesses, or strengths, all children could use help with basic life skills to succeed. The life skill I’d like to discuss here is “looking ahead and planning”.

Life is complicated, busy, and demanding. At least it is for those that are really living! One technique most of us use to deal with a busy schedule or faulty memory is a list. There are grocery lists, to do lists, top ten lists, honey-do lists, lists of goals, lists of suspects, Christmas lists, checklists, emergency lists, etc.

The Launch List Revisited

I wrote an article a few weeks back, Six Suggestions for Success: The Ultimate Fatherly Advice, in which I brought up the idea of a “Launch List”. This idea revolved around having a list of things to learn which would help to launch your adult life or a career. Whereas a bucket list is about completing one’s life, a launch list is preparing for one’s life.

I think it is a good idea for parents to talk to their children about such a list, e.g. “What is it that I need to do to prepare for my next challenge?” Take the phrase, “…my next challenge”, and replace it with whatever is important to you (school, a job, my career, a sport, my marriage…). This could be a Master List which then could consists of sub-lists. As an example, the Master List could be “What should I do to be well-rounded and a desirable employee in my chosen career? Let’s call it “My Career Checklist”

My Career Check List

·         What am I good at?
·         What do I enjoy?
·         What are some options?
·         What are my strengths and weaknesses?
·         What schools are best for me?
·         Should I go to college near home or far away?
·         Is college right for me, or should I go to trade school?
·         Am I on the right track in my current studies?
·         Will I have help with tuition or will I have to work and borrow?
·         What will my resume need to look like to apply for college or a trade school?

Now let’s take the last bullet as an example and start a sub-checklist. Let’s call it:

Resume Preparation

·         What are necessary preparations for applying to college/a trade school?
·         What summer jobs are available for money and/or experience?
·         What are the requirements for an internship at XYZ?
·         What credits do I need to graduate?
·         What civic duties can I perform to match my interests and future employment?
·         How do I write a proper resume?

You can now create a list from a bullet in ‘Resume Preparation’. It can go from very general to quite specific. It depends on the individual and what works for them. The more you dig, the better prepared you will become.

Now are the actual lists critical? That all depends on how organized you are, how your memory works, or how hectic your schedule may be. The idea of a list is all about thinking ahead and preparation. It may be that after writing a list, you rarely look at it again! But writing the steps down helped you make decisions in an organized manner.

Gen Eisenhower was quoted regarding his preparations for the Normandy invasion, “The plans were useless, but the planning was invaluable.” It may be that you end up in a different place than your original plan had intended, but not because of inattention or lack of planning. A plan that can never change is likely not a very useful plan.

Live for the Present, but Plan for Tomorrow

As mentioned in my previous article, I stopped looking ahead after receiving my pilot wings. What I should have done was plan on being the best pilot in my unit, volunteering for extra duties, extra missions, and being available when substitutes were needed. While I certainly believe in the axiom “live in the moment”, that doesn’t mean wandering about aimlessly. Living in the moment includes awareness of the future. I could have set my goal as being an instructor or check pilot. I took none of these actions because I didn’t know what I wanted out of my Air Force career outside of flying. I found that in life, succeeding is just a step that necessitates more success to keep moving forward, which is not a bad thing. Why stop at good when excellent is better? Why not strive for being the ‘best’!

When you are the fastest runner on your high school track team, you stand out. But when you join all the other fastest high school runners in college, you compete at a different level. Continued success is more difficult. To make the Olympic Team as a runner, you now must beat the fastest runners from all the colleges. You can’t settle too early if you have the talent or you will have ultimately failed to be your best. You can be a success at whatever level you choose. You will be praised for making your college track team—by those not knowing you had more to give. On the other hand, if you had no desire to succeed as a runner, that is okay. But strive for something worthwhile.

Succeed from your Failures

Plan to be the best at where your talents and desires take you. I missed my chance at being a better officer on active duty. I took that lesson and applied it in the Air National Guard. I also put it to use to write a book, which was much more difficult for me than what it would have taken to be a better pilot. But had I become that great pilot, I may have never written my book. Lesson being, you can always succeed from your failures!

It’s the person who plans and prepares, who dreams and acts, who fails and recovers, that creates advantages for themselves and finds success.

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A Story about Nurturing and Looking Past the Passion

12/11/2014

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In the AIr Force and with Kathy and our grandkids.

This is a story about looking ahead. But to tell it, I have to look back to my past. Way back when, when I was a teenager and in my early twenties, I had a lot of obstacles to overcome and I succeeded in doing so. But after overcoming those early obstacles, any future successes I had were average at best. I will tell you why I think that happened. Part of that reason was not having some basic life skills.

One of the responsibilities of a parent is to nurture their children. Nurturing is a step above loving them. It is preparing them, or better yet, it is teaching them ‘how to prepare’ for their future adult lives. For instance, men aren’t always prepared to be fathers, nor are women always prepared to be mothers--sometimes even minimally. This is often due to not being taught about those responsibilities by their own fathers and mothers. Those opportunities to teach/mentor, when lost, will multiply with each generation if allowed to continue.

One of the best things your children can learn from you is how to think and plan ahead for themselves. Very few young people prepare properly for anything. I fell into the trap of not looking ahead myself and I regret it.

My Story

As a twenty three year old lieutenant in the Air Force, I knew I would be attending survival school after graduation from Undergraduate Pilot Training. But for some reason (and I now know why), I did not prepare for this challenge. To no one’s surprise, it was a very physically and mentally challenging course. I was not in peak physical shape and lagged my peers more than I should have. I also was not mentally prepared for training situations that simulated potentially grave circumstances of survival or capture. Don’t get me wrong, this was not Seal Team training, but it was tough enough, especially when you are not prepared. I passed the course but I was disappointed with myself and in my performance.

The reason I was not prepared is because I stopped looking ahead. My goal since childhood had been to be an Air Force pilot. When I attained that long-lived passion, my life of unexpected achievement stopped. My friends and family had always looked at my goal of flying as a pipe dream. Up until that point, and basically on my own, I had gone from the oldest of six children in a single parent, very low income home, to a college scholarship from a great university, a commission in the US Air Force, to the day my wife and mother pinned on my silver pilot wings. Then I lost my way.

I was pushed by a passion, not by a philosophy or life skills. I did not have a great deal of confidence. I was not prepared for either the interaction or competition of others, or the loss of a passion to pull me forward. It was a weakness of mine at that time and I was just not ready for such things. But this is not about me blaming myself or others for my naivety. It’s about opening our eyes to the notion that we often assume too much of others, ignoring or not being aware of their needs. While I grew up without having to be taught responsibility, I never had experiences that taught me confidence. To become an Air Force pilot without having confidence, while competing with self-assured, even some cocky Air Force Academy graduates who already had four years of military training, was a near miracle for me. My passion had carried me through. But what would I do without passion to keep me going?

I’m sure my father thought he loved us, but he did not nurture nor did he even take care of his family. He did not prepare us for everyday challenges or for our lives ahead of us. My mother was seventeen when I was born and was raising six children by the age of twenty-seven. She did not have the time, assets, or experience at that point in her life to nurture or prepare any of us. Day to day survival was often difficult. Beyond that, my mother thought I was the least of her worries among her brood--and I was.

As a boy, I appeared to have it together. I was never in trouble. I did my homework. I helped my mom with my brothers and sisters. My grades were good and I was relatively respectful to my elders. So the little demons in my world were invisible to most. I’m sure my mom knew I was overly shy and tentative, but compared to truancy and troublemaking by my rambunctious siblings, not a big deal.

Although I understand why, and I’m not the least bitter about it, too much was assumed about my maturity. I stood out in some ways that made it look like I was okay, which I was in many respects. But I had no idea how I would have escaped my situation if I didn’t have a passion.

So now I was an Air Force pilot. I loved it and all seemed well for me and my chosen career, but I began to spin in place. I still did not feel comfortable in my own skin. I hid my lack of confidence as best I could, but it was manifested in my lack of aggressiveness. After six years of flying, I left the active Air Force not really having a plan. I still have regrets about that decision to leave, but I will not expand here. For the next twenty years I lived in mediocrity with regard to professional achievement. I always worked hard and responsibly, but rarely did I do so with passion. When you have nothing shiny (appealing) in front of you to reach for, you don’t reach. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and my choices.

Nurturing/Teaching/Mentoring

Moms and dads, if your child has a passion, let them ride it. If they don’t have a passion, help them explore possibilities. In either situation, teach them to always have goals to strive for and plans to get there, pushing those goals higher and higher as they near each one. And look for weaknesses in your children’s character that you can help them to overcome. Don’t expect a child to come to you and ask for help with their fears.

While I survived professionally with modest success in those twenty years, it remained a very rewarding period for me because my wife Kathy and I were raising our children. After my dream of being a pilot, I had a new dream of being a good father. While I failed in some aspects of that most important of responsibilities (after all, I had no model) my love, dreams, and respect for my children were real.

By my mid-forties, I had learned the confidence and self-assurance that, when missing, had made my life so tentative. Yes, it took quite a while as I read some wonderful self-help classics. Today, many people can’t fathom how I used to be. I became more assertive and forward-looking. My latest passion is helping men to be good dads through my writing. Now, as a grandfather, I have all these great thoughts on what parents can to do for their kids. Thoughts that I was not aware of myself as a young father but came to me as I have seen what can work as a dad and what can work for his children. I now want to share those thoughts through my book The Power of Dadhood, and this blog ‘Helping Fathers to be Dads’. If my experiences can help a parent understand their roles better, I am very happy to do so!

Conclusion

The theme in this article, beyond the need for parental nurturing, was looking ahead, planning ahead, and never allowing a goal to be reached without having another goal to continue towards. In my next post I will expand my ideas on teaching your children how to plan ahead. I hope you continue to read and share my thoughts on parenting, on fatherhood, on ‘Dadhood’! Thank you! And yes, I do have other goals ahead of me!

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All The Advantages!

12/8/2014

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photo: Michael B. Smith

Somehow it became chic for some to look down on people with advantages. I’ve never been jealous or resentful of anyone with advantages. I have, however, been very disappointed with those who don’t take advantage of their advantages.

People with advantages do have it easier, and there is nothing wrong about that. Advantages bring success when used properly. Every success brings more advantages, allowing for even more success. That’s what parents are supposed to do for their children--to give them the advantages of an education--both formal and informal, a belief in themselves, and a safety net to catch them and throw them back into the fray as failures occur—and they will.

I made a comment in one of my recent posts about winners--meaning those with a positive attitude and termination. What I said was, “winners without advantages will beat losers with advantages almost every time”. I was encouraging ‘positivity’, something that isn’t always easy to have when you are constantly swimming upstream, but necessary if you desire to reach your goal.

Surprisingly, I was admonished for saying that by some men who also blog about being dads. One said this,

“Tell my dad that a winning attitude made him a winner as he cleaned human feces off of bathroom walls because the men he worked for despised him based only on his phenotype.”

This man continues,

“A winning attitude in life can change a lot of things but there are some things, many things, that will require much more than a smile and happy-go-lucky demeanor to bring change. There are many whose voices we will never hear, who had winning attitudes but were eventually beat down by life and a system meant to keep them from achieving their best. Tell those people not to take a handout when they've no hope left. If you've never been truly hopeless, I have a hard time hearing you tell people to have a winning attitude. If you have... I mean truly hopeless and spent time in that place where you thought it would never end... preach on.”

You know what? I have also washed feces off bathroom walls as a young man. It’s an honest, if not desirable, job which allowed me to earn money as I was attending high school. That job was an early step in my journey to succeed.

I have to admit, I had to look up “phenotype”. I think the writer means his father was a minority. I admit I did not have this burden. People who despise others, only for their phenotype or race, are disgusting, heartless, reprobates (look it up)! Those people are out there in every size, shape, and color. You can’t let them be the focus of your life. The burden for minorities is greater in some circumstances, and certainly so in years past. However, in the western world, there a very few healthy individuals who are actually in a position to have “no hope left”.

This gentleman said a winning attitude doesn’t help when we have a “system meant to keep them from achieving their best”? I’m not sure which system he is suggesting that would do this in 2014, but there are also systems which are designed to help the disadvantaged. One system, that helped me, gave college scholarships to economically disadvantaged students. Who, by the way, usually had to have winning attitudes to be in a position to get those scholarships.

Another comment I received:

“A winning attitude? That's the key?? Not more money for education, not police unfairly targeting minorities, or the proliferation of guns in this country?

More money for education will do NOTHING until more parents get involved and more students buckle down. The US already spends more per capita towards education than any other country, but we are far down in world rankings of educational achievement. Even the children of Viet Nam beat American students in educational achievement. Why is it that Asian youths in our own country do so much better than children of other races? Because education is emphasized in their families.

Police unfairly targeting minorities? Yes, unfortunately it happens. But it is not near as prevalent or irresponsible as some would have you believe, especially in 2014. Minorities targeting themselves through gangs and drug use is a much larger problem and contributes to their having a light shone upon them by law enforcement.

Proliferation of guns? My question is who has illegal guns? Not people with winning attitudes!

These two men who responded to me have a very negative view of life’s possibilities. I’m sure they believe what they say and there is some modicum of truth to it. Life is certainly not fair, but there are ways to tilt it in your favor. The notion of a winning attitude is ‘Pollyanna’ if you take little or no action. It’s real if you add determination and will power.

In his book, Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill named thirty-one major causes of failure. Let me name a few.

·         Lack of a well-defined purpose in life.

·         Lack of ambition

·         Insufficient education

·         Lack of self-discipline

·         Lack of persistence

·         Inability to cooperate with others

·         Possession of power that was not acquired through self-effort

Of all the thirty-one reasons for failure, only one could not be "easily corrected" by any individual. That reason was “unfavorable hereditary background”. He did not mean race or national origin, he meant those with a “deficiency in brain power”.

If you wait for advantages to come your way or fret that others have them, if you blame others for your fate, if you constantly say, “it’s not in the cards for me”, if you are cheated, deceived, or overlooked and agonize over it, YOU LOSE!

Take any reason for failure that exists in you, outside of “a deficiency in brain power”, and add ambition, education, self-discipline, persistence, and cooperation, while not depending on others, then you will be a success by your very nature! One of the best advantages anyone can have is a positive attitude--and the most effective advantages are those you create for yourself!

These are lessons that parents should live by and teach to their children.

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What Does a Good Dad Look Like?

12/4/2014

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This is what good dads looks like.

He has a bald spot on the back of his head. He is overweight and misses his days as a smoker. He never finished high school, but he has an honest, difficult job and works very hard every day. He has a charming habit of mispronouncing words and has a hearty laugh. He has two children who are adored by him and their mother. They are getting the education and fatherly attention he never had. They have been encouraged, loved, guided, and corrected. You will not find a more dedicated father. This is what a good dad looks like.

This next dad is quiet. He loves sports but will pass up a big game for family. Growing up without a loving father, he was fortunate to have a mother and aunt who worked together to raise him and his sister. His aunt took him to basketball and baseball games, cultivating his love of sports. He waited into his thirties for the right person to marry and they now have a young son and a daughter on the way. You should see the look in his eye when he talks about, or plays with his two year old son. He makes sure he has lots of balls around, just in case his son takes to them. Diapers, cooking, laundry, he pitches in no matter the chore. This dad will be the dad he never had. His dedication to fatherhood and family are as obvious as his soft-spoken nature. This is what a good dad looks like.

Thankfully, the third dad did have a loving father. This dad is hard working, staying up late to catch up with a work-load that could never be caught. When he does take a break, he researches his interests in nature, science, and a myriad of other things. But he is never too busy to teach his two young daughters about different kinds of bugs, the constellations, or plants. He combs his older daughter’s hair in the morning, not as well as her mother, but not bad. Often he speaks German to his girls to spark their interests in language, even his one year old. This dad talks up to, not down to his daughters. He teases, hugs, bathes and loves. This is what a good dad looks like.

These are men I know in my life that are worthy of being symbols of excellent fathering. So what does a good dad look like? He’s tall and short, fat and skinny, Black, White, and Brown, bald or bearded, quiet and loud, but most of all proud—to be a dad!

Good Dads in Movies and on TV

In an earlier post, I discussed how the entertainment and advertising industry do a good job at making dads look bad. But I was reminded by an article in the Orange County Register that there have been some really good dads in the entertainment world. So with full credit to Amy Bentley, Contributing Writer to the Orange County Register, here are the good dads from movies and TV.

(Tell me if you notice anything about this list, as I did.)

Atticus Finch from "To Kill a Mockingbird"

Single dad Atticus teaches his children dignity and integrity when he defends a black man from the racist justice system in Alabama in this classic film.

Daniel Hillard from "Mrs. Doubtfire"

The memorable Robin Williams disguises himself as a nanny to spend more time with his children in this comedy film.

Chris Gardner from "The Pursuit of Happyness"

Chris ends up homeless with his son while pursuing a career as a stockbroker but never abandons his dream of a better life.

Marlin from "Finding Nemo"

This caring clown fish searches the ocean to find his lost son and teaches him to be strong and independent.

John Walton Sr. from "The Waltons"

This TV family patriarch was a hardworking man who would do anything to protect his kids.

Matt King from "The Descendants"

Matt copes with difficult circumstances while trying to do the right thing by his kids – and his ancestors – in modern-day Hawaii.

Guido Orefice from "Life is Beautiful"

When this Jewish-Italian man and his little boy are sent to a German concentration camp during World War II, Guido convinces his son it's all a game to shield the boy from the horrors of the camp.

Charles Ingalls from "Little House on the Prairie"

Michael Landon's portrayal of the industrious, protective and wise dad from this TV series made the show an all-time pop culture favorite.

Widower Steve Douglas from "My Three Sons"

Steve did a great job raising his kids, including an adopted son, with help from his father-in-law, in this TV sitcom.

Howard Cunningham from "Happy Days"

Who wouldn't want Howard for a dad? He was funny, fair-minded and easygoing – a great 1950s dad.

Mike Brady from "The Brady Bunch"

In one episode, Marcia Brady nominates Mike for a Father of the Year award, which he wins. Most "Brady Bunch" fans would agree this down-to-earth dad deserved the award.

Ward Cleaver from "Leave it to Beaver"

Ward taught morality and always had time for his children, in this series about an idealized suburban family in the 1950s.

Philip Banks from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"

This family patriarch was actually the Fresh Prince's uncle in the hit 1990s sitcom, but his stern and loving manner earned Uncle Phil plenty of fan love.

Jim Anderson from "Father Knows Best"

Jim was the nurturing patriarch of a TV family that became ingrained in American pop culture for its idyllic presentation of family life in the 1950s.

A good dad (or mom) can look exactly like you!

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Ferguson, Fathers, and Race

12/1/2014

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A painting at a US Post Office in St. Louis

There is an article below I would like to recommend to you. But first…

I am a 64 year old father and grandfather. I have written a book about what it means to be a dad and I blog about fatherhood as you are aware if reading this. I am confident in discussing parenting and fatherhood issues, especially how to raise children in a positive atmosphere. What I am not confident about is discussing the issues of race. With the incidents which occurred in Ferguson MO this year, race is the big topic--but I see it in a different light. I see it as an issue with the core family, and the significance of having fathers in the home. Being White, I could never see the issues Blacks endure as they can. But a father is a father in any culture.

In the aftermath of the tragic Michael Brown shooting, and after the Grand Jury decision, Ferguson erupted in riots. Scores or hundreds of mostly young Black men and women broke windows, looted, and burned businesses. Is this kind of behavior “Black”? Of course not! I think this very small subset of the Black community lacks values and respect for themselves, their community, and others because of broken families.

When my book, The Power of Dadhood, comes out in April 2015, you will not find any opinions or comments on race, because I didn’t consider race. I look at children, families, and fathers--and their relationships, responsibilities, and challenges. Race is relevant to the discussion of fatherlessness only when you consider the likelihood of a fatherless family situation. It just so happens that fatherless homes are much more prevalent in Black homes.

Unwed Childbearing soared for Blacks during the 60s

I said something similar to this in a post a few weeks ago:

“When 72% of black children are born without a father (in the home) compared to 28% of white children, you're going to have more (young) black males (and females) out of control. It's more about responsible parenting than what race you are.”

It wasn’t always this way. Fifty years ago, Black families were many times more likely to have a father in the home. Why this changed is a debate many have. (see chart)

I know the town of Ferguson quite well. I live nearby and my brother lived there for years. It is also where my father-in-law had a business in the 1970’s and 80’s. Ferguson has the same issues that many lower social-economic towns do--youths without direction with many families that are not whole. It’s my theory and contention that if there was a way to interview every thief, arsonist and opportunist who participated in the riotous behavior in Ferguson, almost all would be from broken homes, will have had little or no mentoring, and/or were influenced by the wrong people. They didn’t care about Michael Brown or the Grand Jury decision, and if they did, justice was not on most of their minds as they broke windows, torched businesses and stole everything from hair extensions to beer.

My quote above was interpreted as racist by several people with whom I communicate--all but one were White men. Their basic contention was that “I should not blame Black men” (fathers), I should “blame systematic racism”. It seems that any mention of race clouds the issue and many people become both offensive and defensive—one of the reasons the issues of race are never resolved. As soon as I say “Black” in any sentence, my real message of “missing fathers” is lost. Every family of every race has more potential for success when there is a strong male presence in the home. Crime, drugs, suicide, dropping out of school, all increase significantly among children who don’t have this basic need of a concerned dad.

This is all an introduction to an article a good friend sent to me. I cannot speak for or against the causes, fears, or feelings of other races, nor do I want to point fingers at anyone, other than irresponsible parents. I can speak for fathers and to fathers. It is difficult for me, however, to admonish any father who is Black, because I am White. I get it. Therefore, here is an article by a Black pastor who says the things I cannot say about the topic of fatherhood as it relates to the Black father and his family.

Please take time to read this outstanding article, Thoughts on Ferguson, by Voddie Baucham, the pastor of preaching at Grace Family Baptist Church in Spring, Texas. You and/or I may not agree totally with all of the pastor's views, but when he discusses fatherlessness and its impacts, he is right on target!

Finally

Here are facts about crime and families, without any reference to race.

A review of the empirical evidence in the professional literature of the social sciences gives policymakers an insight into the root causes of crime. Consider, for instance: *

Over the past thirty years, the rise in violent crime parallels the rise in families abandoned by fathers.
High-crime neighborhoods are characterized by high concentrations of families abandoned by fathers.
State-by-state analysis by Heritage scholars indicates that a 10 percent increase in the percentage of children living in single-parent homes leads typically to a 17 percent increase in juvenile crime.
The rate of violent teenage crime corresponds with the number of families abandoned by fathers.
The type of aggression and hostility demonstrated by a future criminal often is foreshadowed in unusual aggressiveness as early as age five or six.
The future criminal tends to be an individual rejected by other children as early as the first grade who goes on to form his own group of friends, often the future delinquent gang.

On the other hand:

Neighborhoods with a high degree of religious practice are not high-crime neighborhoods.
Even in high-crime inner-city neighborhoods, well over 90 percent of children from safe, stable homes do not become delinquents. By contrast only 10 percent of children from unsafe, unstable homes in these neighborhoods avoid crime.
Criminals capable of sustaining marriage gradually move away from a life of crime after they get married.
The mother's strong affectionate attachment to her child is the child's best buffer against a life of crime.
The father's authority and involvement in raising his children are also a great buffer against a life of crime.

* Reference: The Real Root Causes of Violent Crime: The Breakdown of Marriage, Family, and Community

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