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Helping Fathers to be Dads - A Slideshow

11/27/2016

Fatherhood is a Blessing for a Man.
Dadhood is a Blessing for a Child.

I have a few passions that keep me busy. Two of them are photography and fatherhood. I combine the two in my blog, this blog, entitled, "Helping Fathers to be Dads".

Here are a few of the photos I have taken over the years that have been used as introductions to my articles. The quotes are some of my thoughts on being a father, and on parenting at large. Check my archives to find these and other articles on Dadhood!

Thanks to my daughters, sons-in-law, and grandchildren for being unpaid models.

The Dadhood Slide Show

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On Having an Open Mind

11/20/2016

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Most everyone would agree that having an open mind is a good thing. The trouble is, very few people have one. We certainly have seen that over the past few months during the campaigns for a new President. When people ask us to have an open mind, we’re not sure they are trying to educate us or convince us. With so much information and many viewpoints coming at us, we must be careful to neither be rooted too deeply in a belief, nor be the tip of a branch, leaning in whichever direction the wind is blowing.

An Eye-Opening Conversation

I had a conversation with a dear friend the other day and I asked her thoughts about something for which we disagreed. She explained her views and not understanding them, I asked more questions. Not surprisingly, neither of us changed our stance. But we did know more about each other and our philosophies.

The following week that conversation came up. I told her the only reason I had pressed her was because I truly wanted to understand her stance. Being honest, my friend said, “No you didn’t, you just wanted to harass me (or something similar) because you didn’t agree with me”. I was a bit stunned! In no way did I want her to feel bullied or threatened. I debate to understand, not to denigrate or belittle anyone. As it turns out, it takes a special skill I may be lacking to make that apparent.

Thoughts on Open and Closed Minds

One large group of Americans think they have open minds regarding all sorts of ideas and lifestyles. Yet, when someone questions these ideas or lifestyles, their minds are not open to those questions. Another group of Americans cautiously resist being open minded to ‘change’, especially when it threatens their traditions or beliefs. Both groups can be very stubborn.

Sometimes, the rebellious among us think they are being open minded by refuting their parents, bosses, or government. Thinking they are open-minded because their vision looks beyond the established ways things have been done. What they are rebelling against may or may not be proven to be unfair or wrong. They often think of themselves as being altruistic and cutting edge. Sometimes, they are. Those who are being rebelled against have little regard for the reasons for the rebellion for it can be difficult to be sympathetic to anyone bashing your world.

Fear is a strong reason for a closed mind. We fear the result of being wrong, of being exposed. The realization that you are wrong, if you are, is painful and admitting it is more so. Also, many of us have a fear of conflict so discussion is avoided and minds remain closed for lack of information.

A ‘closed’ mind could also be described as a suspicious or doubtful mind. To change a suspicious or doubtful mind takes much more work, but it can be done. Brainwashing is a negative sounding term that occurs for both good and bad. It breaks down a conviction or habit and reorganizes a belief system to bring out a different result. Mantras are a tool used to train our minds. For instance, the character Stuart Smalley of Saturday Night Live would repeat over and over, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." He said this in hopes people would like him, assuming they did not.

I, myself, once had a confidence issue. I brainwashed (trained) myself out of it through the constant study of books that indoctrinated me to a new attitude. Students go to college coming out more liberal or more conservative depending what college they attended. Commercials brainwash us every day to make us think we need their product. Sometimes your mind is more open than you think. And often more closed than you will admit.

What Children Cartoons Can Teach Us

In the children’s series “Little Bear”, Duck may be the most open-minded of all the characters. She can be convinced of anything. She is also not very smart--in the most charming of ways. A duck with an open mind to everything has no standards or philosophy on life. Owl, another character, is not so open minded. He hesitates before going along with anything believing he has a better way. Owls are thought to be wise, but Owl wants to be the smartest animal in the forest. Having a closed mind is not good, but it feels safe. An open mind sounds good, but it may lead you down the wrong path if you are not careful.

What Really Suggests an Open Mind?

In my opinion, those that are closest to having an open mind are those that ask questions about things they don’t understand. People like this are willing and ready to learn, but also cautious. Little kids may not be cautious, but they are very open-minded. They ask questions about everything because they want to learn. As they grow older, their minds close ever so slowly as they make up their own minds about things and ask fewer and fewer questions. For a parent to say, “Because I told you so!” to their child’s question is not the kind of response that will keep a mind open and curious. Patience for inquisitive children is a blessing. We never want to take that quality away from them.

Summary

When someone asks you to have an open mind, try to do so but be suspicious of their motives. Are they trying to change you, belittle you, or understand you? Are they telling you what they think and not asking you what you think? Do they listen? If you ask questions of them, you are expressing an open mind and/or protecting yourself against subtle brainwashing, but you must really listen and consider their point of view! If someone with an opposite view doesn’t ask questions about you and your views, then they do not care what you think and don’t have an open mind themselves. In short, to be open-minded consists of asking, listening, considering, deciding, and verifying.

Important Note for Dads: In the vein of being open-minded, I plea for fathers to be the example. There is no better way than for dads to be open-minded as to their fathering skills than by asking questions of themselves. Please test yourselves using "A Dad's Self-Inspection Checklist", which can find here, or in Appendix B of "The Power of Dadhood".

<http://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/the-2nd-annual-dads-self-inspection-checklist>

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Potential Should Never Be Wasted!

11/13/2016

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We all change as we grow older, but do we have the tools to change for the best? This article is about mentoring, influence, confidence, and enthusiasm. It’s about instilling hope and providing guidance to those who need it … and everyone does, especially children. Where do we find this guidance if and when parents fail? This is a plea for parents to not fail!

A Personal Take

As a kid, I had dreams, determination, and persistence. My dreams were helpful to me to form a picture of where I wanted to go, but at the time I didn’t believe they could come true. My determination to make a better life for myself was strong, but limited by my reluctance to ask questions or for help. My persistence was real, for I would not have eventually broken out of my shell had it not been there to keep me going.

What I didn’t have was intestinal fortitude, knowledge or guidance. By intestinal fortitude I mean I was afraid to be strong, i.e. to not care about consequences or what people thought about me. It kept me from getting the knowledge and guidance I needed so badly. I couldn’t open doors that I did not know existed nor could I ask questions that I didn’t know to ask. I was willing to listen to someone, but my dad wasn't there for us and my mom had her hands full raising six children. Others, that may have helped, I never approached.

I can think of so many things that held me back, all of which were in my control. I just needed a kick or a pull. In my thirty-five plus times that I changed schools and neighborhoods, I shrunk into a cocoon instead of spreading my wings. In college, I would spend a crazy amount of time on a subject I didn't understand yet not ask for help, leaving little time for other subjects. In USAF pilot training I was not aggressive enough to make corrections either in the air or on the ground. I had big ideas within myself, but tentative and cautious in the real world. I had two major fears, 1) fear of success and, 2) fear of failure. Those fears fought against each other. A conundrum for certain!

As I have written in my book, “The Power of Dadhood”, I started to turn my fears around in my late twenties, but progress was slow and confidence was still lacking for years, even with success. I still have my insecurities, but who doesn’t? What turned me around was looking at life in a way that was positive and fearless, understanding that failure was just a rung in the ladder of success, not a bottomless crevice. And success was not the last rung in that ladder, but a new base for extending my reach. That could have been taught to me had the right combination of people been in my life. There was no talk of ladders of success nor were there pep talks. Not everyone needs those words of encouragement, but most do.

Parents Take Notice

I write this as a cautionary notice, an eye-opener, to parents of kids like I was, or any kid for that matter. From experience, I know kids need and want guidance. They may not ask for it, but they do. I ask that you stop and ask yourself if you do more than love, feed, and clothe your children. Do you mentor them through their weaknesses and/or challenge them in their strengths?

If you are a single parent, do what you can on your own, but don’t resist getting help. Look for help from someone of the opposite sex whether a friend, sibling, parent, coach, counselor, big brother, big sister, or the Big Brother/Big Sister organization. Look for clues about the needs of your kids that you may otherwise miss. Don't be afraid to open that 'Pandora's Box'. A little extra angst is worth helping your children . Be careful not to allow them to fall prey to people who are troubled or reckless; that are angry or without guidance themselves.

All Kids Need Guidance

This call to parents is not about troubled kids. It’s about all kids being enabled to reach their full potential through mentoring, influence, confidence, and enthusiasm. Because, while my life has been successful beyond my dreams, missed opportunities as a young man have convinced me that I never reached my true potential. I imagine few of us do.

Summary

I am a grandfather now but I am still looking to be mentored by others hoping to expand my knowledge. Learning from others that are not necessarily smarter than me, but people with different views, experiences, and talents. Admittedly, I am stubborn regarding many issues, philosophies, or just gut reactions. That's because what I learned or didn't learn as a young person, has a tight hold on me. Therefore, help your children get all the positive thoughts and encouragement they possibly can while they are still impressionable by those who care most about their futures.

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The Powerful Leverage of Parenting!

11/6/2016

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“Don’t worry that your children never listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you.”
—Robert Fulghum

Everyone should be themselves, but what does that mean? Is it possible, is it wise? In a way, we are different people at different times and in different circumstances. That is an important consideration. Certainly this comes into play as a parent.

We will influence every person with whom we ever come into contact. It might be as significant as creating a new human being, or as ephemeral as a smile to or from a stranger. It’s true! Every interaction has an influence. For example, words of praise and encouragement from a stranger to me as a small child 58 years ago still are with me. A school counselor who didn’t know me, but knew of me, changed my life significantly! Overhearing a fellow student pilot talking about me caused me to reflect upon the kind of person I was.

Your attitude, your beliefs, your kindness or cruelty, will mold some, and/or leave a mark on others, especially within your family. What isn’t so apparent is when these influences take place. Sometimes your words or actions seem to not even be noticed, and often they are not. There are no announcements screaming ‘you have helped me’ or ‘you have changed my life’! Assume nothing.

Why is this important? Because at no time are we more likely to swayed, manipulated, persuaded, shaped or inspired than as a child. Our capacity to be influenced becomes less effective as we age, but our power to influence can happen at any age. A ninety-two-year-old person has power in words and action. So does a two-year-old toddler. Yet the two-year-old is much more malleable, much more capable of being influenced than someone who has matured.

It’s obvious to say that parents and those people that are exposed to your children are the shapers of their lives, but not always in obvious or majors ways. I mention in my book, "The Power of Dadhood";

“One thing you need not worry about—it will happen with certainty—is this: your children will learn from you. They learn in two ways: First, they learn by what you point out to them that they may never see on their own. I call this parenting. Second, they observe and mimic you. I call this as parental osmosis.

In parental osmosis, your influence can take two opposite paths. One is as a good example in which your children want to emulate your kindness or wisdom. The other is as a terrible example in which they will try their best not to be the uncaring, slothful, or cruel parent they have seen exemplified by you. The worst outcome of all is when your children assume that your bad behavior is the correct behavior, and so that is what they emulate. To be the best influence, you must be a person of clear character and integrity, not only in their eyes, but in truth, in life, and in all things.

Take stock of your values and actions. If you are rude to your elders, your children will most likely be rude to theirs. If you smile often, they are more likely to smile than not. If you smoke, they will see that as an endorsement for smoking, even if you tell them not to. If you always do what you say you will do, they will learn to do the same.”

And what about those other people who influence your kids? Friends, teachers, and acquaintances. They also have influences in both positive and negative ways. It is important for a parent to pay attention to who has access to your children. When fathers are not around as male influencers, that need could be filled by someone who is immature, misguided, or predatory. This can lead to drug use, crime, teen pregnancy and so much more.

Yes, be yourself but be careful who you are, especially around children. Because who you are at work, or at play, or in a bar, etc. may not be the person you want to impress upon a young child. We are all influencers in some degree or another.

My article next week will follow up on this theme. Tentative title, "Missed Opportunities Mean Unrealized Potential for Children".

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Helping Fathers to be Dads - A Slideshow

On Having an Open Mind

Potential Should Never Be Wasted!

​The Powerful Leverage of Parenting!

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The Powerful Leverage of Parenting!