Photo by author Father’s Day is over, but fathering never ends! This fact is true for most men, but far too many never quite get the knack of being a dad. Dadhood comes naturally to some, but not to every man. Whatever difficulties you may have had as a father, it’s never too late to make amends!
Children of missing or non-caring fathers carry much pain! This pain could be the jealousy of friends who have engaged fathers. It could be anger at the loss of something so dear and desired. This loss could result in depression caused by unnecessary and unwarranted guilt - blaming one’s self for a missing father, or the emptiness of holidays or family events. There could be friction with their mother because they talk down about the father, or because there is no relief from the mom that a dad could provide.
The pain or anger even adult children carry is difficult to overcome. The pain comes from waiting for a father who is absent to return, but he never does. Many carry the pain of being summarily ignored, wanting some recognition of love. Others have anger at being mistreated, ranging from favoritism of a sibling to physical and sexual abuse—the more egregious, the more pain, the more difficult the healing.
Everyone needs comfort and love, but kids crave it beyond understanding! When it is missing, invisible scars develop. Scars often do not disappear, even those that are invisible. The memories that caused those scars are also difficult to forget. But scars are part of healing! Given time and healing, relationships can be renewed, if not forgiven.
If you are a father who has recognized your mistakes and you are capable of admitting them, then reach out to children who may be cold or full of anger towards you. It will be painful! Most likely, there will be rejection at first, maybe forever. Longstanding tensions will not go away overnight. Apologizing is like a medicine that heals, but some medications work slowly. No doubt - you will not have control over the reaction of your child. But you have full control of your honest intentions and reasonable expectations.
Warning
It is vitally important that you, a father who may not have connected to your child, be convinced of your role in the situation that resulted. More than that, you must admit who you were then and who you are now – a father with a new understanding. If you haven’t changed or believe you are the victim, don’t even try to reconnect.
I know how difficult this is! I consider myself a decent father. More importantly, my children do. But I recall incidents that I regret. There was one incident where my anger towards my daughter was so great, I charged towards her, scaring her. I never would lay a hand on her, but I did want to scare her. I think about that, and although it was twenty-five years ago, I want to apologize, and I don’t recall ever doing so. She may or may not remember it, but I do. Someday I will follow my own advice! I admit this because I know how hard it is to humble yourself for your mistakes. But do it! It may not work out, but you will know you have shown a better side of yourself. If it does work, then your joy and theirs will abound with many happier moments ahead for both of you – and your entire family!
#powerofdadhood
Children of missing or non-caring fathers carry much pain! This pain could be the jealousy of friends who have engaged fathers. It could be anger at the loss of something so dear and desired. This loss could result in depression caused by unnecessary and unwarranted guilt - blaming one’s self for a missing father, or the emptiness of holidays or family events. There could be friction with their mother because they talk down about the father, or because there is no relief from the mom that a dad could provide.
The pain or anger even adult children carry is difficult to overcome. The pain comes from waiting for a father who is absent to return, but he never does. Many carry the pain of being summarily ignored, wanting some recognition of love. Others have anger at being mistreated, ranging from favoritism of a sibling to physical and sexual abuse—the more egregious, the more pain, the more difficult the healing.
Everyone needs comfort and love, but kids crave it beyond understanding! When it is missing, invisible scars develop. Scars often do not disappear, even those that are invisible. The memories that caused those scars are also difficult to forget. But scars are part of healing! Given time and healing, relationships can be renewed, if not forgiven.
If you are a father who has recognized your mistakes and you are capable of admitting them, then reach out to children who may be cold or full of anger towards you. It will be painful! Most likely, there will be rejection at first, maybe forever. Longstanding tensions will not go away overnight. Apologizing is like a medicine that heals, but some medications work slowly. No doubt - you will not have control over the reaction of your child. But you have full control of your honest intentions and reasonable expectations.
Warning
It is vitally important that you, a father who may not have connected to your child, be convinced of your role in the situation that resulted. More than that, you must admit who you were then and who you are now – a father with a new understanding. If you haven’t changed or believe you are the victim, don’t even try to reconnect.
I know how difficult this is! I consider myself a decent father. More importantly, my children do. But I recall incidents that I regret. There was one incident where my anger towards my daughter was so great, I charged towards her, scaring her. I never would lay a hand on her, but I did want to scare her. I think about that, and although it was twenty-five years ago, I want to apologize, and I don’t recall ever doing so. She may or may not remember it, but I do. Someday I will follow my own advice! I admit this because I know how hard it is to humble yourself for your mistakes. But do it! It may not work out, but you will know you have shown a better side of yourself. If it does work, then your joy and theirs will abound with many happier moments ahead for both of you – and your entire family!
#powerofdadhood
