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Get Over Yourselves!

6/27/2016

The perfect father never has to improve. The father that doesn’t care will never improve. The father who strives for perfection will always improve. The first father doesn’t exist. The second father exists too often. The third father will put his children ahead of his ego!

I knew writing a book about parenting targeted to fathers would be akin to selling Chapstick to chickens. Men read books about as often as women read “Guns and Ammo”, the magazine. When men do read books, it’s more often a ‘Jack Reacher’ thriller or a science fiction classic-- not about how to get your son to talk to you, or how to talk to your teen daughter. I wrote the book anyway because if it helped one child, dad, or family, it would be worth the effort. Still, I wanted the thoughts and discussion regarding the importance of fathering to be as widespread as possible!

I was hoping the gateway to men who were fathers may be through their mothers, wives, or sisters, etc. But my publisher changed the subtitle and I found later that it created an obstacle. The main title is, “The Power of Dadhood” in which I explain how dads are often the barrier between their children and the dangers to which they are exposed, whether it be drugs, poverty, out of wedlock pregnancy, etc. The subtitle, and yes, I’ve mentioned this before, does put off some people a bit. “How to Become the Father Your Child Needs” is often interpreted as “Buck up buddy, you’re slacking as a dad and I’m going to fix you by making you read this book!” Ouch!

Please understand, this book is a book of encouragement and suggestions to common issues faced by dads (and moms). One goal was to let men know the power of their position, the influence they have, and the best ways to bring out those qualities. Certainly, some dads need to read this book more than others. But every dad can get something out of it.

More than a few times I have heard women say something to the effect of, “my (husband, son, brother) would be (offended, upset, mad) if I gave this book to them". Well the saying is true. You can’t judge a book by its cover, or its subtitle.

Ladies, help out the dads in your lives. How could they not want to be better dads, even if they are already awesome? Dads, get over yourselves! You aren’t perfect. You do care. And you do want to be the best dad possible. You can’t do that in a vacuum.

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What My Dad Taught Me

6/23/2016

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This article was written for a charitable organization in Springfield, Missouri called "Good Dads". Good Dads began when business leaders in Springfield recognized the impact of father absence on child well-being and came together for the purpose of supporting engaged fathers. They understand the value in helping fathers become more engaged with their children.

"What My Dad Taught Me" first appeared in "realgooddads.blogspot.com"

Sometimes dads are just dads. They don’t think about how they influence their children, or more clearly, how their children learn from them. We men often go about our day with our heads in the clouds or our minds entangled in some issue, all the while we are being watched. Kids absorb as much or more through observation as they learn formally. So while you tell them to be kind to people, they really learn how to treat people by watching you. You can explain the value of reading, but if your kids never see you reading, they may shrug their shoulders the next time it is mentioned. “Do as I say, not as I do”, really never works.

Dads and moms are teaching by demonstration twenty four hours a day. And because no one can fake who they are 24/7, the good things and the not-so-good things will be on display for your kids. Kids will emulate you because they love and trust you and that is usually, but not always, good. Which brings me to what I learned from my dad.

I loved my dad. He was so interesting and mysterious. He had adventure in his heart and did things I wanted to do. He had been to places I wanted to see. Stories of his travels had me breathlessly hanging on every word. I longed for his attention and waited for him to come home - sometimes for hours, sometimes for months, even years. My Dad was a contradiction in himself. He was slight in build but had very strong hands and a stubbly beard. He was a real gentleman, charismatic, very intelligent, and well-liked by most people most of the time. There was just one huge problem, my dad was a raging alcoholic, and he changed into someone else when he was drinking. And it wasn’t pretty.

I discussed learning from my dad in my book, “The Power of Dadhood”. As follows,

“I learned so much from my father. I learned from him that I needed to get an education. I learned that people would judge me by my actions and react to me according to my attitude. I learned the importance of reliability and trust. These things I learned from him because he demonstrated how difficult life can be without them.

Unfortunately, I also saw how dependence on alcohol and drugs could steal my father’s charm and waste his intelligence. Yes, I learned quite a bit about life from my father, but what I didn’t learn was difficult to pick up on my own. Among those lessons missed early on were simple skills and pleasures of standing up straight, manners, confidence, physical competition, love of reading, and being comfortable in my own skin. Yes, my dad graduated from the School of Hard Knocks, but it is not exactly in the Ivy League of Childhood Mentoring. Too easy to get accepted into, his school lacked standards for graduation. “

I worked hard in school and earned a scholarship to college. That allowed me to become an Air Force officer and to work my way out of poverty. But I was still unsure of myself and never stood out. Not until I was in my forties did I begin to flourish, after years of spinning my wheels, by reading self-help books. They do work for those that need them.

I am in a very good place in my life now. But it took me a while to get here, mostly because my lack of self-confidence kept me from taking chances and a feeling of not measuring up to others made me a bit of a loner. Those are heavy anchors to pull around as a kid, and even as an adult. I believe my dad could have helped me with that. My mom was raising six children alone and had her hands full. Beyond that, she’s not a male and I needed a man in my life.

Not all kids would have reacted the same way. Some would have become tougher on their own, others would have never recovered. Fully a third and maybe up to 40% of kids are raised without a father in the home. Those with fathers have a distinct advantage even if their dads are a bit clueless. So a takeaway here is that you, Dad, can teach as a good example or a bad example. If you are lucky, they will know when your examples are not to be followed. The worst case is when they don’t know any better and are misled. Another takeaway is to occasionally ask yourself what you are doing to guide your children. That simple question, asked every so often, can make all the difference. Dads do teach quite a bit. What and how they teach is so very important.

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Father’s Day is Over, But…

6/20/2016

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Being an advocate of improving the fatherhood situation in our country (24 million children - 34 percent - live without their biological father*), I paid close attention to how Father’s Day was celebrated, and on how people reflected upon it. Some thanked their dads for their love, advice, and for being there for them. Others talked glowingly of their fathers who, sadly, have passed. A few chastised their fathers who they classified as irresponsible or uncaring. Almost to a person, they all claimed their love for their dads – even those who had been disappointed by their incompetence.

It’s clear that the link between parents and children is emotionally very strong. Usually those emotions are positive but sometimes they are negative. There is no doubt, however, of the remarkable and undeniable link.

Child/parent conflict often arises because of a lack of communication resulting in misunderstanding. There are good men who are poor fathers, usually for that reason. But there are very few ‘bad’ men who are good fathers. Strangely, some irresponsible men have better relationships with their kids because they are “good-time Charlies”, looking to be friends or to impress - not willing to be firm, have standards, or to guide their children. These irresponsible men can breed irresponsible children. They pick up the bad habits or questionable values demonstrated by their fathers.

Good men who struggle with fatherhood can be better fathers with a little help. All they have to do is to ask someone or pick up a book and be open to the possibilities. I consider myself a good man, but I think back to things I did incorrectly or didn’t do well which occurred out of simple ignorance. The most dangerous ignorance is the ignorance of not knowing you are ignorant, as in unaware.

Men don’t ask questions about directions or how to parent. It’s just how most of us are hardwired. It takes an awareness of men to realize this deficiency and acceptance of the fact that we don’t know everything. It’s okay! No one does.

Give yourself and your kids a break. Don’t assume you are a wonderful dad just because you don’t hear complaints, or don’t believe the complaints when you hear them. Think about what you’re doing once in a while – as a father. It couldn’t hurt and it can certainly help.

“The Power of Dadhood”, i.e. your Dadhood, works both ways, for good or for bad. Use your power wisely!

Michael Byron Smith

* Bureau of the Census

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The 2nd Annual Dad's Self-Inspection Checklist

6/16/2016

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Following is A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist. I developed the questions in this checklist from my book “The Power of Dadhood: Become the Father Your Child Needs” The emphasis of this checklist is ‘self’, because you will taking a look at yourself. The questions are not intended to judge, but to allow you to reflect on your relationship with your children. While some of the questions seem similar, they are re-worded in ways that may apply better to your situation.

Be honest! Be reflective. Don’t think yourself a bad dad if you can’t answer all these questions positively. There is no grade. This is just a vehicle to become a better dad. By the end of the checklist, you will be beaming, taking note of needed corrections, or most likely, both.

A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist

Are you there for them, not just around?

Do you/did you hold your children as babies and toddlers?
Do you enjoy spending time with your kids?
Do you make time to focus on your kids?
Would you consider yourself loving and do your kids KNOW that you care for them?
On occasion, do you give them special one-on-one attention?
Do you comfort your kids when appropriate?
Are you willing to be ‘hated’ for doing the right thing for your children?
Do you really listen when spoken to?
Do you have fun together?

Do you help your children face their fears?

Do you push (encourage) your meek children forward and hold back (protect) your adventurous children?
Are you aware of any peer pressure they may be facing and how to deal with it?
Do you give them reachable challenges to conquer to build up their confidence?
Do you praise their efforts and rejoice when they are persistent?
an you tell if and when your help will make them stronger or weaker?

Does your family work together and support each other?

Do you and their mother see eye to eye on how to raise your children? Can you compromise?
Do you continue to parent the only way you know how, or do you research other options?
Are you aware of how much you, as a father, can influence your children in both positive and negative ways? If not, read my blog or books on fatherhood.
Do you develop family traditions that are loved by the entire family?
Do you know children’s friends? Do you approve of their values?
Is diversity allowed and cooperation encouraged in your home?
Are you careful to not favor one child over another?
Do you never give in, give in too much, or give in as appropriate to your children’s requests?
Do you communicate clearly with the children’s mother regarding punishments, rewards, their whereabouts, schedule etc.?

Are you a good example to your children and do you represent yourself well?

Do you avoid abusing your power as a father, using influence instead of force?
Do you have an open mind toward things you don’t understand?
Are you consistent in your actions, discipline, encouragement, love?
Following your lead, are your children respectful and kind to others?
Are you a good model for your daughters to know how to be treated by boys or other men?

Is building the character of your children a conscious part of your parenting?

Would you want your children to act as you do? Children will usually mimic you.
Do you encourage your children’s passions, dreams, and individuality?
Do you realize that lessons taught when your children are young will be anchored in them, but missed lessons may haunt you for a long time? Prevention is much easier than healing!
Do you allow them to make mistakes (for learning) when no one or nothing will get hurt?
Do you teach, or exemplify to your kids, kindness, values, discipline, or manners?
Do you praise good behavior while redirecting/correcting inappropriate behavior?
Do you help them to make responsible choices?
Do you tell your children mistakes are okay, but known wrongdoing is NOT a mistake?
Do you instill integrity, teaching what’s right to do and what is wrong to do?
Do they know what humility means and how it can help them to be liked and respected?
Do you teach your children to be self-reliant and to be responsible for their actions?
Have you taught them how to earn, value, save, and spend money?
Do your children know how to set and meet goals?
Do you emphasize and support education?

Summary

If you have plowed through this checklist, congratulations! The mere fact that you went through it all indicates you probably did well on your self-inspection. Your most important personal contribution to your family and society is your dedication to the welfare of your children. But none of us are perfect and we do have many distractions. It’s good to review this checklist occasionally, maybe every Father's Day week, to check up on yourself while you are checking up on your children. Ask for guidance if you could use some help!

Every topic in this checklist is explained, discussed, or answered in my book, “The Power of Dadhood: Become the Father Your Child Needs”.

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Society's Wall is in Desperate Need of Repair!

6/13/2016

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When I was writing “The Power of Dadhood”, the subtitle was “A Better Society, One Child at a Time”. It was changed by my publisher to “How to Become the Father Your Child Needs”. I had no issue with the change because it reflected well what was in the book. But there is a reason why I have always viewed families as the basic answer to resolving our social issues. I would like to expand on that notion with a metaphor.

Walls. Some see walls as bad, others see walls as good. In fact, walls can be both. Walls do separate, which is not always good. But they also protect – goods, livestock, people, and more. Let me discuss a symbolic wall, a wall that is for good and compare it to a real wall made of stone.

Our society is constantly being threatened internally. But in the last five decades or so, our defenses against those threats are breaking down. Drugs pour into our society, the weaker or mislead fall prey to it. Crime fills the streets in certain areas, these same areas are full of broken families. Depression, lack of incentive, and bleak futures impact one generation after the other. And each generation can spawn multiple broken families. The primary defense against these threats, in my mind, is our symbolic wall made of children and families.

My symbolic wall is much like a stone wall. The stones are children, the mortar that keeps the stones in tact are families. What the walls protect is our society. Of course, our wall has a gate to be opened to all that is good outside of our society. What seems to be happening at an increasing rate is the crumbling of our societal stone wall. It’s not usually the stones that cause the walls to crumble, it’s the mortar (family) that fails to keep the stones in place. When those stones fall, there is a breach and threats move in. The loose stones (children) can roll away, build momentum and cause more issues crashing into other parts of the wall.

My question is where are the stone masons? Where are those that build strong walls and maintain them? We need mentors to help those that need guidance. We need government leaders who incentivize families to stay together and not to live apart. We need schools, churches, charities to continue to identify and help kids and families at risk. Most of all, we need every individual that brings a life into this world to take responsibility for that life - to love, correct, and guide.

Many of us go into to parenting blindly and still fail to seek help. This is particularly true of men. Men can be comfortable as fathers and still make mistakes, but don’t we all? Other men are not comfortable and fail to parent because of their insecurities or because they don’t know how important they are to their children. With a third of all children living in a home without a father, the mortar to hold these children safely in place is missing. Many become rolling stones causing damage to society and other sections of the wall.

Our society has drug programs. We fight crime. We go to therapy. We help pregnant teens and single moms. We argue about guns, etc. These areas all need attention, but the cause of these issues never gets enough attention. What we don’t do well enough is prevent drug use, prevent crime, avoid mental illness and neurosis, prevent teen girls from becoming pregnant, and avoid young boys from wanting or needing a gun. Prevention is the answer to all of these issues but we concentrate on fighting what already exists, what was not prevented in the past.

We need to maintain the stone wall of society so we don’t have to fight the demons allowed in by a failed wall. Moms, dads, let us do our part to end the cycle of social issues that come about because of the failure of families.

One last thought. While even the best of families can have children that go astray for one reason or another. Is there any doubt that the following social issues would be minimized significantly if 90% of families were together and practicing responsible parenting?

Teen pregnancy
Drug use
Crime
Mental illness
Loneliness
Homelessness
Violence
Thuggery
Child abuse
Poverty
Sadness
Rape
High School dropouts
Vagrancy
Suicide
Unhealthy sexual activity
Runaways
Behavioral disorders
Prison overcrowding
Physical and mental abuse
Lack of manners, kindness, and self-esteem
Neglect of children
And very importantly, an ever-growing cycle of dysfunctional families.

A phrase I used to hear when I was young was, “A stitch in time saves nine.” This is certainly true for families and society!

Thank you!
Michael Byron Smith

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The Power of Dadhood, Thoughts and Photos

6/9/2016

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A slideshow featuring some of my photos and thoughts on fatherhood from the past three years. All have been part of my blog, "Helping Fathers to be Dads". I hope you enjoy them!

Have a Great Father's Day!

Note: Some slides will be difficult to read on a smart phone.

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America's Greatest Threat?

6/6/2016

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Just two minutes! Please take this time to view this video, and if you agree the message is worthwhile, please share it. This is an issue that doesn't get enough attention for all the good it would do if brought under control.

Thank you for your time and help!

Mike

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Get Over Yourselves!

​What My Dad Taught Me

Father’s Day is Over, But…

The 2nd Annual Dad's Self-Inspection Checklist

Society's Wall is in Desperate Need of Repair!

The Power of Dadhood, Thoughts and Photos

America's Greatest Threat?

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What My Dad Taught Me