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If Only I Had a Swimsuit Edition for My Dadhood Blog

2/25/2016

Photo by author

I was in my local library writing the other day when I took a break to research SUVs since my wife is in the market. I found the Oct 2015 issue of Motor Trend and as I sauntered back to my table, I was stopped in my tracks! On the rack was the cover of Sports Illustrated - ‘The Swimsuit Edition’. There was literally a rack on the rack (with apologies to my female friends). I admit to picking it up and thumbing through, looking for articles on the upcoming baseball season. ; )

Now, what do swimsuits have to do with sports? SALES! This edition sells fifteen times more than the regular editions, even though it comes out when sports, overall, are in a slow part of the year! It pays some bills and generates tons of free publicity for Sports Illustrated. It is an idea that works and has grown for over twenty years.

Now comes an unknown, retired grandfather who writes a blog about parenting focused toward fathers. Do you see where I’m going with this? Think about it. Who is more into parenting talk? Moms or dads? Who reads more, women or men? My topic is on the wrong side of these questions. I’m writing to men, who generally prefer topics like sex, sports, sex, cars, money, politics, etc. Did I mention sex? So I’m asking men to read about being a dad, which is like asking teenagers to read about etiquette. They may care about the topic, but think they already know everything they need to know.

I do have an advantage over Sports Illustrated. I don’t need to make money to survive. I’m not a non-profit organization but I am undoubtedly a ‘no-profit’ entity. I don’t get paid to write this blog but I do spend money on advertising it. Sounds crazy, I know. But it is a small price to pay, in time and money, to write about the importance of fathers in the success of families and children.

If I had a ‘swimsuit-type edition’ in my blog, what would it look like? What special edition would get my blog the attention and broad readership of fathers I hope for?

I’m still thinking!

How about this? Ten ways to have your children respect you, your wife to adore you, your boss to promote you, your friends to be loyal to you, and women to admire you. It’s not a real sexy topic, but it would peak some interest. I’m writing it as soon as I can come up with ten ways.

Maybe I should reduce it to five. Ten ways may sound too difficult and guys wouldn’t be interested in reading that much. So here are the five suggestions I would write about.

Being honorable
Being trustworthy
Having a sense of humor
Doing what you say you’re going to do
Treating others fairly

You know what? I don’t think Sports Illustrated's swimsuit edition has anything to worry about from the likes of me.

Read: The Power of Dadhood: Become the Father Your Child Needs

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Talking to Teens is Like Hunting Deer

2/22/2016

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Photo by author

Teens are a different animal. It’s often the age, in raising a child, that the kid you used to know is transitioning to the adult you will get to know later. Unfortunately, it is also a time when you need to know them the most! Getting a teen to talk with a parent is like hunting deer. If you chase the deer, they will run away from you. It’s best if you let them come to you. And with patience, they will come. But like a deer approaching a tree stand, when a teen comes to talk to you, you must be prepared for the occasion.

Here are a few tactics used by deer hunters (and I admit to not being expert at this) that you as a father can use to get to know or help your son or daughter.

Camouflage: “Come here, I want to talk to you” doesn’t usually work well. If your teen is cornered, you won’t get anywhere. Set up non-threatening situations but don’t give away your true intention, that being to understand them. Be casual, friendly, open, but don’t make much noise (let them talk).
Scent: Deer hunters like to be downwind from their prey so the deer are not aware of the hunter. Don’t give yourself away by jumping in too quickly when they are nearby for they may smell trouble! For instance, if you are together on a long trip, don’t ask leading personal questions right away. Let them get comfortable and relaxed. You can ask non-threatening questions, but talking must be their idea.
Binoculars: Be on the lookout! Be proactive in stalking your prey. In other words, to get inside the head of your teen for purposes of helping or protecting them, you first have to be aware that something may be bothering them. Looking ahead allows you to not be caught off guard, seeing trouble in time to have a plan of action.
Weapon: No! Don’t shoot them! But be ready. Your weapon is not only non-lethal, it is healing. Your weapon is your love, understanding, and advice. Be armed with advice that makes sense to them. If you run out of ammunition, stop talking.

Teens, like deer, are skittish. Especially with parents. They want their space and most of them will graduate successfully to adulthood. However, too often we hear of troubled teens that, without help, can fall into depression, drug use, contemplate or attempt suicide. Suspecting any of these issues, a parent must do what they can to help. But you can only help if you know what the problem is, and know how to handle it. Although much more important than deer hunting, many dads know how to bag a deer but don’t know how to mentor their child.

I don’t have any trophies on my wall adorned with antlers. But my wall is decorated with photos of independent and thriving children and grandchildren. My wife couldn’t be happier about that (including the antlers), and I couldn’t ask for much more in life.

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Hooking a Worm Can Be Like Facing a Bear!

2/18/2016

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Photo credit: Winning the Fight

I wrote in my book about an incident, when I was around eight years of age, which embarrassed me in front of my cousins and younger brother. We were going fishing and I was skittish about hooking a worm. I’m actually embarrassed to admit that even today. This is magnified by the fact that I just saw the movie, “The Revenant”. If you saw this movie, you know being squeamish of a worm squiggling in my hand is very unflattering when compared to surviving a grizzly bear attack. But let me tell you why kids can react like I did at the time.

There were a couple of factors involving my fear of worms (it still sounds silly!). One factor was that I had never gone fishing and had been raised in the city. My cousins were all country boys who fished all the time. But what about my brother? He was raised with me. Why wasn’t he wary of that slimy little creature? The answer lies in factor two, that all kids have their own personalities and that fact must be taken into account. While I was quiet and more studious, my brother was an adventurer and tougher.

I tell this story because it is so important to understand that, 1) all kids have different needs, fears, strengths and experiences and, 2) the need for parents to recognize this reality and have methods to help them through their needs and fears while also taking advantage of their strengths.

To get over my fear of hooking a worm, all I needed was someone to encourage me to try it. I found that it felt strange, at first, to have the worm struggle and twist in my hand, but it didn’t bite! Once I knew the experience and lost my fear, I could hook a worm myself. Similarly, with just a gentle introduction, you can help reduce any fear a child may have, including fear of dogs, fear of the dark, or fear of social situations. Of course, it’s not always easy to remove a fear, but the stronger the fear, the more likely it needs to be addressed.

Helping your children often means not helping them. If my dad always hooked a worm for me, he’s not really helping me with what is important. Teaching and mentoring are the important things, not making everything easy for your kids. Parents can train their children to be absolutely helpless. If you always tie your toddlers’ shoes, you’ll be tying them long after you should be. If you dress them, brush their teeth for them, react to every whimper, you will be setting them up to be helpless and spoiled. It takes patience and valuable time to let your three year old learn to dress himself, but by age four, your only task of dressing your kid is quality control.

A parent must also be observant! You can’t correct what you don’t notice. Kids can be careless, lazy, afraid, or simply oblivious! Those qualities may not soon change without your help. Both fearless and fearful children present problems. You could have one child that you have to hold back from trying things too dangerous, and another child that you have to push into trying anything.

Kids, like anyone else, learn best from first-hand experience. Let them try, fail, succeed, and get frustrated to a point. The best lesson to be ingrained is that not everything is easy, nor will someone always be around to bail them out. Always have in mind the best interests of your children. The long term benefits usually outweigh the short term conveniences.

Now if you are a stay at home mom, or dad, these thoughts and suggestions may be obvious to you. But if you are a working parent, coming home tired with only a few short hours to be with your family, it’s important to be reminded of the huge responsibility of raising kids with all the advantages you can afford them!

And, as quoted in my book, The Power of Dadhood, “Now I fear no worm!”

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You Can Help Someone Have 'A Wonderful Life'!

2/15/2016

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Photo: AF Archive / ALAMY

Strange, isn’t it? Each man’s life touches so many other lives, and when he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t he?

Clarence, from “It’s a Wonderful Life”

I would have to say that “It’s a Wonderful Life” is my favorite movie of all time. There are so many reasons that is so. For one, Jimmy Stewart has always been my favorite actor. While he played many characters in movies, the man himself was the model of the man I wanted to be like. From all accounts, he was a kind, charitable man, loved by all. Like him, I had a passion for flying and we both became US Air Force pilots. I drove by his old home in Los Angeles when I was there on business. It was in a normal neighborhood filled with very nice, but not ostentatious homes. A sidewalk led to his door. No gates!

Donna Reed was one of the most beautiful actresses at the time. A real girl next door type, although I never saw one like her. I loved the “Buffalo Bill won’t you come out tonight” scene, which came after they had fallen into the pool at the school dance. And who didn’t love 'Bert and Ernie'? It is my belief that the names of the Sesame Street characters came from this movie. The real reason, however, that I loved this movie is the story and its message. In my opinion, it has one of the greatest lessons ever told, outside the Bible, and delivered in a way that could not be missed or misunderstood!

The obvious message is in the quote of Clarence, the second class angel sent to help George when he was at his wits end. It is an encouraging message for all those, like George Bailey, who feel like their lives have not reached their potential. Everyone’s life touches others, some in bad ways, but mostly in good ways. Even a smile from a stranger at the right time can change your day from awful to pleasant. Knowing how you can make the lives of others better, makes your life have much more meaning!

Similar to the opening scene of the movie, many years ago my children were sledding down Art Hill, a famous sledding location in St. Louis. It was a Sunday with my wife showing the kids a good time while I was on duty in the Air National Guard. At the bottom of Art Hill was a large lake built for the 1904 World’s Fair. If you saw the Frank Capra movie, you know what happened next.

My three kids, ages nine, seven, and three, built up speed and barreled down the steep hill. As instructed, they raised their feet to go faster. About half way down, the sled spun around, going backward. They were zooming looking back up the hill when suddenly they were airborne, rocketing into the frigid lake. My wife was at the top of the hill and was in horror as she saw what was happening and raced, slipping and falling down the hill to help them. Fortunately, bystanders saw these three young children break through the ice, splashing into this cold lake! Wonderfully, five men jumped in to pull them to safety!

If not saving their lives these men, who we never came to know, saved them from any number of harmful effects. The kids were scared and shivering, but not hurt, although my three year old daughter became quite sick afterwards. This incident, lasting just moments, had a lasting impact on my family. I’m sure it also impacted all those involved. Thank goodness these men were there and reacted!

Parents, friends, teachers, and strangers--all have a combined effect on any one of us. The impact may come in a moment, a day, or a lifetime. The impact can be seemingly minimal or outright obvious as in the sledding incident. But can there be any doubt, however, that those that raise us have the most impact on how we think, learn, and live? Every day, something can happen that will change the course of a life--and you may not even know it happened.

What if you are a father?

Are you there for support?
Are you a good example?
Do you provide and protect?
Do you show love in a way that is known or sensed in no uncertain way?

Whether you are there, or you are missing—the impact of a parent is real and life changing!

Taking liberties with Clarence’s quote,

Strange, isn’t it? Each father’s life touches his children’s lives in so many ways, and when he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t he?

#powerofdadhood

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Our Youth, Our Future, Our Part

2/11/2016

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Photo by author

“If you don’t invest very much, then defeat doesn’t hurt very much and winning is not very exciting”
Dick Vermeil, football coach

I know a few outstanding young people that make me feel good about the future of our country. Unfortunately, I used the word few. Of course, I have a relatively small sample size so maybe I’m being pessimistic. When I mention the troubles of youth today, I recall this quote.

“The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.”

The author of this quote is Socrates, who lived 400 years before the birth of Christ. I bring it up for perspective because it helps me have hope. Hope that we are no different than any society who may be having doubts about our youth. And I think that is true. Nevertheless, I still have concerns about what I see and don’t think it would be wise to ignore it.

First, some good news. High school graduation rates are at an all-time high of 81%. The bad news is too many don’t know who won the civil war, or who the vice president is, but they do know the name of Kim Kardashian’s kids. Admittedly, what I just claimed is not a scientific survey, but I do believe science and history take a back seat to pop culture and other less than useful activities. It doesn’t bother me if someone loves to watch reality TV, but that person should also know a little about the more serious side of the world.

We also have issues with self-sufficiency. According to the Census Bureau, full-time workers in the US are outnumbered by those on welfare. Liberals and conservatives can spin that fact any way they want, but that is not something to be proud of. To be fair, many of those on some form of government assistance are children and senior citizens. Certainly the children are innocent victims of their situation and it is only right that the government help them. But what about their parents? Did they finish their education? Did they have problems with drugs or alcohol? Did they not challenge themselves? Or were they innocent victims of mental health, the economy, or a terrible upbringing.

What I’d like to see is the minimization of the preventable reasons so many Americans need assistance, or lack simple knowledge of their duty as citizens. Often this situation could be prevented simply by better parenting. Values, kindness, determination, empathy, responsibility and so much more of the qualities of a successful person are influenced mightily by those who raise them.

What kind of person gets a thrill out of a reward they didn’t earn? What kind of person doesn’t care if they lose? What kind of person blames others for their trouble? What kind of person takes credit for positive acts not due them? What kind of person will take advantage of those weaker? What kind of person will be jealous of those more successful? What kind of person thinks they shouldn’t wait their turn? What kind of person will not help others? What kind of person will avoid responsibility? What kind of person would take from others? What kind of person wants to be taken care of by others?

I really don’t know the answer to all those scenarios, but I do know they are much more likely to occur to those without responsible mentoring and discipline. It’s usually not the youth we need to blame when they fall short, it’s those who raise them. Parents, especially dads, we all need to step up!

#powerofdadhood

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Restrain, Review, Reflect, Rethink, Reword: Relief not Regret

2/8/2016

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Professional leg model for hire :)

My last article was entitled, “Stream of Consciousness”. It was an experiment. I wrote what came to my head and since it was going into my blog, my mind was on fatherhood. I was lucky that I didn’t say anything too embarrassing, although it sounded like I was frustrated and depressed. Maybe I was, but that is not a message I would have put across had I wrote as I usually do.

Stream of consciousness is unfiltered. What you say may be true, at least in that moment, but it can also be emotional and not as true in a more reflective period. My initial drafts are always like that, and I always review and usually change them. Why? Because moods change, wording can be misunderstood, and often you really don’t believe what you thought you did. And while one should always be honest, one doesn’t have to always tell everything. That decision takes caring and judgement.

Those of us who don’t write regularly aren’t accustomed, sometimes, to reread what we write. In these days of social media we actually write more often, but less elegantly. We use short cuts, abbreviations, colloquialisms, LOLs, etc. not to mention mistypes and missing words. Because we use email so often, this can cause many misunderstandings and even anger. Twitter sometimes forces us to abbreviate.

More seriously, when we are upset with our spouse and/or our children, we too often go ‘stream of consciousness’. We say things in anger, we say them in the wrong way, and usually we regret what we said. Unlike stream of consciousness writing, you don’t have a chance to edit when your words have been spoken. While spouses are adults and may be able to understand words of anger are just that, children are more likely to take them to heart and be hurt or afraid.

The lesson here is not to judge your carelessness, your writing ability, your use of shorthand, or your lack of English skills. But I do hope I brought to your consciousness the need for pause when angry, especially with your children. There will be times when you will not remember to hold back, but practice will help you. When you do overreact or over punish or say terrible things to your kids, apologize for your words and/or actions while making it clear their actions were also wrong, if they were.

Sometimes kids are just innocent bystanders of an angry parent. I’m sure you agree that this is unacceptable in any situation! Restrain yourself. If it’s too late for that, reflect on why you did not. Rethink your actions before you regret another incident. And when you communicate in words, a moment of review can save hours of regret, or even a friendship.

Be the person you want your children to be.

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Stream of Consciousness

2/5/2016

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The author in Cinque Terra, Italy

Usually I’ll write something about fatherhood (Dadhood, as I call it for reasons having to do with earning your title as a dad) and then set it aside for a couple of days. It never fails that I will rewrite, rearrange, and/or correct errors. It’s like an artist who has to take a few steps back to evaluate his work. I’m not doing that tonight. I plan a half hour at most on this when I usually spend six to ten hours on most articles. Thinking, researching, writing, rewriting, rewriting again, and searching for a photo to match with the article all takes time.

I’ve been thinking about dropping to one post a week lately. I have been doing two a week for the last 30-35 months. It takes a lot of time and I don’t mind that, if what I send out can help someone. I wasn’t going to do a Thursday post but here it is, 11:21 pm Central time (Thursday) and I am writing as I think. I guess I feel guilty. Because of a technical issue with my website, my readership the last three articles has dropped by 80%, so I’m a little depressed about the whole blogging thing.

As I type, I have no idea what photo I will use but I will choose one because that is my style. 99% of the photos I use are my photos. I love photography and the photos I pick were almost never taken for an article, an exception was a photo I took for the Chinese version of my book.

Another thing is my book never seems to sell because of my articles. (Hint: See upper right hand corner.) Sometimes I will get hundreds of likes on a blog post I wrote that I post to Facebook (Helping Fathers to be Dads). Often the articles will reference my book, but it doesn’t help my sales. I write to help children through their fathers, not to make money. But my book is the real tool to help fathers and that is why I wrote it.

Because I have a publisher, and am I ever happy I got one, I only get 80 cents or less per book sold. Self-publishers get about 90% of the book’s sale price, but they rarely sell as many books. I needed a real publisher because I want my book to reach as many fathers as possible. I have given away hundreds of them. To ever break even on what I have spent on editing, marketing, etc., I would have to sell 12,000 books. That doesn’t include the 15 years and thousands of hours I spent writing and researching.

So what you have read here is ‘stream of consciousness’ writing. No editing except what very obvious errors my computer highlights for me. It will not be my best article but it is likely not my worst either. Sometimes I look back on past articles I wrote that I thought were pretty good, and they disappoint. There are, however, about fifteen articles of the 250 or so I have written that I am really proud of.

I am also very proud of my book! Whenever I re-read it, I come away feeling that I could have done better, but not much. It was my first, and maybe my only book, but it gets my message across. I’ve never been a writer nor had any training in writing. But I was a son and I am a father. My book and this blog are simply a way to get a message out. A message very important to me, and one that should be very important to society for it is in the home where every good, and every bad thing begins!

Thank you!
Michael Byron Smith

PS. I actually spent 43 minutes on this article, not counting the photo I end up posting. Sorry for any errors!

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The Secret to Everything!

2/1/2016

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Atop Haleakala Volcano, Maui, Hawaii, Photo by author

Just recently in the news there was a story about python snakes becoming a real problem in the Everglades. Most likely when ‘pet’ pythons were too much trouble, owners dumped them in the Everglades where they had a feast, but they, themselves had no natural enemies to keep their numbers in check. If left to solve this problem on its own, nature would eventually find an answer, although not without a cost. Natural predators keep populations of their prey in check until something, often man, upsets that balance.

The world of nature is always in a state of balance or seeking balance. This is easy to see when you drop a rubber ball that will react to gravity by falling, then rising again from the energy of the rubber recovering to the ball’s round shape. This happens over and over again until gravity and energy stored in the ball become equal.

Nature is an expert in balance, always managing to find its way back towards stability. Often this balancing act is difficult to recognize because nature’s clock has a much slower tick than we humans do. Droughts, floods, earthquakes, are all transitions back to balance, and there is no doubt that nature is always seeking balance.

Can we learn from this?

I think this is a lesson we can learn as human beings, as one of nature’s own, and as parents. Surely, you may say, humans are very good at balancing and we do it all the time. While this is true, it is mostly demonstrated when it involves how we use nature. We ride bikes without falling. We drink when we are thirsty and eat when we are hungry. We work, then rest. We wear warm clothes when it is cold and jump in the pool when we are hot.

Unfortunately, we are not as good in this game of balance in our minds, hearts, and actions. We can be too objective or too subjective, too skinny or too fat, too open or too secretive, too docile or too confrontational. When we are these things, we rarely change without a significant event having occurred. When we do change, sometimes it to the opposite extreme. I used to exercise regularly and I never wrote anything, not even ‘thank you’ notes. Now I spend hours a week writing and I stopped exercising. I know there is a middle ground somewhere, but not being a natural or particularly talented writer, it is a chore for me to think, write, and edit. My articles would certainly suffer if I spent less time on them. In the meantime, I’m getting rounder, have less energy and struggle to touch my toes. I have to take action to get balance back in my life. It won’t happen on its own as it does in nature.

Habits are the enemy of balance. I have known people who are such exercise freaks, they go crazy if a commitment may interfere with their weightlifting or Zumba routine. Smoking, excessive drinking, video game addiction, or any addiction will throw you in a state of imbalance. Drugs are an extreme example of a habit that throws any balance in life out the window.

The best of us have a good middle place to return to from up and down, left and right, big and little, etc. Many of us have a skewed place to return to, a place that for those around us are too up or down, too left or right, too big or little. Of course, those points of balance are not the same for everyone. That would be boring.

Balance in parenting.

This brings me to parenting, where balance is truly important. Here are some things to think about which are vitally important in parenting, but each need to be balanced with each other, and within themselves.

Involvement: Be constantly involved in your children’s lives. Know their fears and strengths. Help them learn and love. But don’t constantly hover over them, making decisions for them in your interest, not your children’s.
Principles: A parent must have high principles in order to pass them on to their children. They watch you more than listen to you. Have rules and limits, but don’t be inflexible and don’t be preachy.
Consistency: If you are not consistent with your children, you will confuse them. Do what you say and say what you will do. But to balance your consistency, mix it up once in a while! Surprise them with an extra treat or an unexpected adventure. The balancing act of consistency is not inconsistency, it's surprises.
Loving: Give all the love you can give. Show your love with hugs, smiles and attention. But love also means showing your concern for improper behavior. Love is not all puppies and balloons. Love is also direction and correction.
Fun: Parents must have a sense of humor and show their children the joys of life. Play with them. Joke around with care. Get down to their level. But don’t overdo it! You are their dad or their mom. You are NOT their friend. Rules must exist and be adhered to. Giving in to be liked is a strict no-no!

Real balance

You can be a potato chip eating, beer chuggin’ mass of humanity in an easy chair and you will be in some balance. But that is sedentary balance and real balance is not that. Real balance, as a person, is having a wide range of talents and activities with an ability to move deftly from one to another as needed. So it is as a parent using the principles noted above. Real balance in life is constant motion with a sense of knowing when to lean, shift, or correct in another direction.

Balance is boring when there is no movement, like the guy sunk deeply in his easy chair, or a rubber ball at rest on the floor. Balance is quite exciting with action, like when a man can efficiently run an organization or a bulldozer and then come home and take the time to bounce a rubber ball back and forth with his toddler.

With regard to nature, life, and parenting: Balance may be the secret to everything!

Note: Please consider my book on parenting as a dad. The Power of Dadhood: Become the Father Your Child Needs. It's a discussion all fathers need to be aware of.

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