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​The Tree at Baxter and Justus Post

9/25/2016

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Picture
PictureA branch of the new tree shades the scare of the old oak's location
"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done."
~Lucille Ball


 
There is a tree at the corner of Baxter and Justus Post Rd. in Chesterfield, Missouri. I drove by the other day and felt very sad. For many years I had passed this corner where a magnificent oak tree stood over a small pond. Every trip I took on this path was highlighted with the anticipation of, once again, for the hundredth time, seeing this work of art shaped not by a mortal hand.

Often, I passed this corner with the intention of photographing the tree from many angles to capture its grandeur and beauty. Even when I had my camera with me, as I do most of the time, I never stopped. But I knew the tree would be patient and would wait for me. After all, it had been there for at least 200 years, long before the corner existed, before the homes and condos that were now its neighbors.

On this trip, performing the routine chores of life, I looked for the tree…but it was gone! In its place was a newly planted tree, maybe 15-20 feet tall, that caused me to feel sad. I was jolted into the realization that I had missed my chance to visit this living monument and capture it in photographs. I felt the loss in my chest, not just because of a missed opportunity, but the shock of loss without anticipation. I expected this tree to outlive me, yet it died un-expectantly.

I hoped above all hope that the tree had to come down because of unsustainable old age or disease. There would be no other reason, not even for so-called progress for it was in the perfect place and obviously saved during the advancing population. I wondered, did anyone else love this tree as I did? It seemed to be gone without ceremony. Had it been worthy of any mention in the local papers? Was there anyone who fought against its removal?

I know some who read this will think, hey, why so emotional over a tree? I’m not what you would call an active ‘tree-hugger’. While I consider the tree worthy of my respect and sadness, I’m sure there were other reasons for my sorrow. I think I knew unconsciously that this is a warning to me. A warning to not put off the loving things that need to be done, not to delay saying the things that need to be said, and to capture the moments that will define your life.

In many ways I already knew this lesson. I revel in my family and have so many photographs and videos of my children, and especially of my grandchildren, I am nearing the description of that nuisance with a camera! But in other ways, I have been guilty of misusing the moments of my life. I have often put off saying I am sorry. I have delayed certain adventures. I have not moved forward in some instances where mere nervousness or perhaps the fear of ridicule or embarrassment have stopped me.

I don’t have complete confidence that I am now changed, living every moment to the fullest and without regret. I will regress occasionally. But I do know that thoughts of that magnificent oak tree will help me come back to the realization that I should not waste a moment without purpose.
 
PS. A photo of this tree would have been the perfect complement to this story. If I had that photo, this story would not have been written. Maybe the tree is still speaking to me?

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The Barrier of Good Enough

9/19/2016

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Something struck me when I was at a “Military Appreciation” event the other day. It made me ask myself, “what drives us to do better”? After setting the scene, I’ll get to it.

I was supporting Little Patriots Embraced (LPE), a wonderful charity that supports military families throughout the country focusing on the needs of military children.  I discovered LPE when I was looking for organizations to which I could donate my book, “The Power of Dadhood, How to Become the Father Your Child Needs”.

I brought a couple of my books to the event to give away to anyone that expressed an interest in the topic. The topic of my book dovetails nicely with the goals of LPE. Military families suffer many more challenges in raising children than non-military families, at least in general. The constant separations, the frequent moves, the long hours, and even PTSD, all contribute to more pressure in family unity and harmony. This is why Carol Watanabe, the founder of LPE became so interested in what my book can do for military families. Through her organization, we give hundreds of books to the military.

As I said, I brought a couple of my books and some literature to the event. People were very nice, it was a gorgeous day and a great turnout. However, few people took notice of my book. In no way was I surprised by that, in fact, it was expected. The food and fun were more attractive, but you never know who might be interested so it is best to be prepared. Finally, a family came to our booth and the mother picked up some literature on my book. She quickly put it back on the table and I said “Please keep it, better yet, here is the book and you can also keep it if you like.” The mother took the book and showed it to her husband asking him if he would like to have it. He glanced at the title and shook his head no.

This father of three young children showed no interest in learning more about ‘Dadhood’ because he may have thought he knew what he needed to know already. And it is much more fun to read Tom Clancy or the adventures of 'Jack Reacher'. His lack of interest in my book doesn’t mean he was anything less than a good father.

Pilots read aviation magazines. Gun enthusiasts read “Gun and Ammo”. Investors constantly read up on investment advice. I would bet these men are good pilots, great marksmen and wise investors, but they keep up and try to become better. My observations tell me this is not so true about their most important and vital responsibility, being a nurturing father, a dad! I don’t blame fathers for being like this. It’s a cultural thing. There is no general emphasis and very little talk about fathering. There is no pattern or social pressure to read about parenting for men as there is for women. I was like that myself!

What exists is a “barrier of good enough” which allows fathers to think they are parenting just fine, or at least as good as most fathers. After all, if you are around you are better than many fathers. Feed them, clothe them, pat them on the head, and go to their ballgames. It is all good, but it does not complete what being a dad is all about. A dad is also a mentor, a coach, a cheerleader, a disciplinarian, and a protector among many things.

Fathering can be like eating, you can get by without much effort. But by understanding diet, one can do much better regarding healthy choices. That fact was recognized and the void was filled, over and over again. The void in healthy fathering was not filled so completely. I think books on the topic of diet outnumber books on fathering at least 1,000 to 1. Yes, there are books about fathers and fathering, but they are mostly authored and read by professionals and academics.

My book was written for real dads regarding real situations. It takes a special father to think and research about being a better dad. Don’t be satisfied with a vision of being a good father based on past experiences that set a low standard. In the army of Dadhood, be the best you can be!
​

*  *  *
Click here for more information on Little Patriots Embraced. A charity I highly endorse serving the children of those who serve us. 

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Group-Think Vs Me-Think

9/12/2016

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I am not a sociologist or psychologist, nor am I anything close being an expert in human behavior. But like most, I have my thoughts and opinions on why people act the way they do - or how they make life decisions. Therefore, I am open to corrections and/or disagreements about my thoughts because, most of all, this is an article for stimulating thought.

The question is why and/or when are people, 1) selfish or generous, 2) obstinate or cooperative, 3) failures or successes? Also, why does behavior that brings success to one result in the failure of another. It may depend on one’s definition of success.

Below is a chart of behavior comparing behavior with outcomes as it relates to thinking as a group or thinking for one’s self. 
In which quadrant(s) are successful leaders?
In which quadrant(s) are followers?
In which quadrant(s) are gang members?
In which quadrant(s) are narcissists?
In which quadrant(s) are favorite politicians?
In which quadrant(s) are politicians you don’t care for?
In which quadrant(s) are clergy?
In which quadrant(s) are cult followers?
In which quadrant(s) are entrepreneurs?
In which quadrant(s) are criminals?
In which quadrant(s) would you guide someone to improve their situation?
In which quadrant(s) would you help a community improve?
In which column do people thrive?
In which column do people not thrive?
Is group think always good or bad?
Is me-think always good or bad?

In which quadrant(s) are people you like?
In which quadrant(s) are people you avoid?
In which quadrant(s) are your children?
In which quadrant(s) is your spouse?
In which quadrant(s) are you!
​
Summary

Some of these questions are obviously easy to answer. Some are more difficult. Those are the questions that address those people closest to our personal life. That may be due to the fact that our emotions can block the truth. It also important to know when to switch from 'group-think' to 'me-think' or vice versa. 
​
It seems there are cycles when children are taught they are special, even over others, and cycles where they are herded to all think alike. It is critical that when either of these teachings are happening that the quadrants and questions above are kept in mind. As a parent who raises and mentors children, this will help you make better decisions, not only in your household, but in those groups in which your children are involved. 


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A Grandfather's Poem

9/5/2016

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'Pookie' is my nickname for our fourth grandchild, Juliette. We've become very close as I have with all my grandchildren. Their grandmother and I watch over them two days a week allowing us to build special relationships with each of them.

This poem about our youngest came about while I was 'singing' to her one day, making up words as I sang. A couple of phrases stuck with me and I decided to write them down. This poem would have fit nicely with any one of our grand kids. I share it here because I think those of you with children and/or grandchildre
n will understand.


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My Little Pookie

My granddaughter Pookie is only one.
She always keeps me on the run.
Two days a week, we spend time with each other.
Along with her rambunctious three-year-old brother.

Her crinkled nose and wobbly walk,
Her babbles when she tries to talk,
Charms me like no other could.
The love between us is understood.

I’ll love Pookie when she turn two.
And I’ll spoil her often, as grandfathers do.
I’ll love her still, when she reaches three.
Her hair will be longer and she’ll be diaper free.
​
There is no doubt, that when she turns four,
I’ll be loving her even more
.
​​And when she is five and growing so fast,
I’ll be praying our relationship will always last.

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​She’ll be going to school when she is six.
By then I’ll have a million pics.
At seven she’ll be busy, activities all week.
We'll have to schedule a date, to meet.

Her friends will come first when she turns eight.
When you’re a grandparent, no doubt, that’s your fate.
A young lady will appear as Pookie turns nine.
Her eyes will sparkle, her hair will still shine. 
​

When Pookie turns ten, I’ll almost be old.
And many years later she’ll ne'er need be told,
“You know, your Papa loved you so!”

Because, my little Pookie… she will know.

michaelbyronsmith.com

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