Blog Archives

A Bigger Snowman

1/28/2016

This snowman could use a little work!

"A Bigger Snowman " is about winter, kids, and teachable moments. While many people in Florida and California feel badly for us who deal with winter, I believe kids who were never raised experiencing the seasons missed out. There is so much to learn in spring, fall, and especially winter, both good and bad. But when growing up, good, and most bad experiences are valuable.

To read "A Bigger Snowman", just click on any of the titles or the photo.

A Bigger Snowman is an article I wrote for the Changing Behavior Network, a radio-style podcast & blog supporting emotional and behavioral well-being in our young people. This network is the creation of Dr. James Sutton*. It also appears in Dr. Sutton's blog "It's About Them".

*Dr. James Sutton is a child and adolescent psychologist. A former teacher, his interest and passion is young people. He speaks and writes extensively on the emotional and behavioral issues that affect children and adolescents today.

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Helping Your Kids with Bullies

1/26/2016

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Mommy and dad

Parents, one of the most important things you can do for your child is to teach him or her how to handle themselves in times of stress, fear, and intimidation. These are feelings all children will experience but few escape without a loss of self-esteem or self-doubt.

Children are not the only ones who suffer the wrath of bullies. It happens to people of any age, background, race, or religion and it happens in a myriad of ways. Bullies can be very subtle or violent, young or old, boys or girls, co-workers, family, or strangers. They have one thing in common, bullies prey on those they perceive are weaker than them. That knowledge is useful in defending yourself against them.

I was bullied as a young boy. I was skinny, meek and usually by myself. I was ‘chum’ for bullies who had a feeding frenzy when they saw me. Not surprisingly, the bullies I came across always travelled in pairs. Usually one was the harasser and his buddy was his flunky entourage. Whenever I saw these bullies first (I learned to peek around corners before proceeding) I would run for safety. If they saw me, I would not run, but I would tremble in my shoes. Fortunately, most confrontations were verbal with maybe a little shoving. A couple were more physical and I wasn’t a confident fighter.

In my book, The Power of Dadhood, I have a couple of stories about being bullied. In one story, a young black bus driver in the late 1950s helped me by chasing some white bullies away from me. In another, my father came by as I was being harassed. Both of these incidents greatly affected me for different reasons, which I explain in the book. But there is no doubt I was not prepared for bullies. That is something parents can do for their children.

To ignore them may work for a while. But the bully may feel victory in having thrust the verbal dagger in your self-esteem without consequence and they may look to do it again. They have not been stopped, having gained confidence in their perceived power.

If you can, take a deep breathe and see if you can disarm them instead of angering them. You do that by developing a sense of humor. I was once teased about wearing the same shirt all the time. I told them I got a deal, “but one get five free”. It broke the tension and the teasing stopped. I did, however, stop wearing that shirt to school.

Another thing I now know is physical hurt is rarely as painful as emotional hurt. Just the idea that you may fight back will stop most bullies. One time I did get into a physical fight and I lost badly. I wasn’t seriously hurt but I did have a few scrapes and a bloody nose. Amazingly, I was a little euphoric afterwards because I had not backed down. Had I backed down and ran I would have avoided the bloody nose but felt morose and disappointed in myself. Those feelings last a long time while my nose stopped bleeding before I got home.

Every child is different and no one knows them better than mom and dad. As a parent, you know your child's weaknesses and perceived challenges. Talk to them about different ways to handle themselves in challenging situations. Some preparation will give them more confidence and self-esteem.

If you have a serious issue regarding bullying, you can download this short book for free.

Bullied to Death Click on titleBy Thomas Jacobs
& James Sutton

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Bullies, Parents, and Humor

1/25/2016

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David Naster and the author

I revised this article due to a an error on my part.Click: here for rewrite.

http://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/helping-your-kids-with-bullies

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Dads, Hearts, Brains, and Italy!

1/16/2016

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I have written at least two articles a week for the last 120 weeks, 95% on fatherhood, a few on photography and two or three involved both. Some were good, some bad, some ugly. I have written over 240 articles during this time, all available on this website. I decided to take a break for a week or two, but I don't want you to forget me or my blog on Dadhood.

I'm guessing you haven't read them all and I don't suggest that you do. But I have ferreted out four at random and made sure they weren't the ugly ones.

Please hit the links below to read these four past posts of mine and check them out. It will feel nice knowing I'm getting some traction without writing something new. Yes! I believe in recycling!

Thanks
Mike

The Seven "Be"s of Successful Dads - All dads should 'BE' these things!

Balancing Work and Family - A Fatherly Dilemma - Both are important but you need to be aware!

When Your Heart Lags Your Brain - A brief look at a dad (my dad) "lost at sea"!

A Photo Journal of Cinque Terre - A change of pace! All about five picturesque villages in Italy.

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A Homecoming

1/14/2016

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Scenes of the homecoming of members of the 101st Airborne Division on Jan 10th, 2016

This article is a tribute to the members of the United States military and their families. The efforts and contributions of these men, women, and children to and for our country are truly a family affair. While our Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, and Airman are those in the most danger and often live in real discomfort, the families have the stress of fending for themselves back home. We owe them all our thanks!

Children are born while fathers are away. Kids have birthdays, sports, and recitals without mom or dad around to cheer, applaud, and encourage. The moms and dads who remain with the family have the work of two parents and all household chores. I haven’t yet mentioned the loneliness, fear and heartache all feel.

I left off my last article mentioning that I was going to Ft. Campbell with my wife Kathy and our two daughters to greet our son upon his return from Afghanistan. Mike had been deployed four times before, but this was the first time he returned to the mainland where we could meet him. It was a new experience for us. I brought my camera with the sole purpose to record the event for my family. As it turned out, it became a bigger story for all of us.

We entered Ft. Campbell an hour prior to the scheduled arrival of the troops of the 101st Airborne and were directed to hanger 3 for the homecoming ceremony. As we walked into the hanger and saw all the families, the signs, and the children running around freely, I was overcome with emotion. My wife and daughters were walking ahead of me. When they turned around, they all had tears in their eyes. We were all struck by the same emotion of sadness and thankfulness. My oldest daughter said, “I don’t know how I’m going to get through this.”

We took seats in the stands, had a drink and some popcorn provided by the family support group, and watched the families and kids waiting for loved ones. The welcoming signs many had so proudly prepared, and being dressed in their finest were both subtle hints to the obvious. They had waited a long time for this day! One child had a sign attached to his stroller saying, “I’ve been waiting all my life to meet my Daddy”. Another little girl boasted that her daddy was coming home to be her Valentine.

Finally, an aircraft could be seen in the distance. A chartered airliner was bringing the troops home on a very cold, sunny day. Everyone had poured outside to greet, and get a first peek of their loved ones walking across the tarmac from the plane. Despite the cold, the enthusiasm was intense. The soldiers had to take care of some business before coming into the hangar. Families returned inside for a brief ceremony prior to their reunions.

Upon release from the two-star commander, the soldiers broke their ranks and the families poured from the stands. It was a great scene, heartwarming, but I was a bit surprised. The crying tears of happiness I had expected were few. What I witnessed were mostly big smiles, kisses, group hugs, and handshakes all around. Kids were placed on the shoulders of their dads, one couple stared into each other’s eyes seemingly forever, unaware of anyone around them. One little girl hugged her daddy’s leg and wouldn’t let go. Another little one sucked on a juice box as her daddy hugged her mom.

The strong emotion we all felt when we first arrived had curiously not gotten out of our control. We took the lead of the brave families, who may have gone through this scene maybe two to five times before and had accepted this as their way of life. They didn’t act as if they had just survived a major interruption and sacrifice in their lives. Instead, they were thankful that they could be together once again. It was if they had become calloused to giving so much of their lives and loves, doing something more than 95% of the country has never had to do, yet all benefit from the service of these brave men, women, and children.

I tried to tell this story with words, but the story is likely better told with pictures. Please take the time to watch the slide show of this remarkable event (below). It will make you want to personally thank the next military family you see. In my opinion, in these days of strife and terrorism, you can’t thank them enough!

#powerofdadhood

Slideshow of the 101st Airborne Homecoming

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They Grow Up So Fast! - Reunion

1/11/2016

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Easter 2015: The last time we were all together.

I was 26 and a Captain in the Air Force when my first child was born. Back then we didn’t know what the sex of the child would be until birth. You hear stories all the time about fathers who just have to have a boy. I, however, wanted a girl -- and I got my wish. We named her April. I think I had this vision of a sweet little girl with curls who wanted to wait on me. I got the sweet little girl with curls. I later discovered the ‘waiting on me’ thing was a little backward.

As a B-52 pilot, I was stationed at Ellsworth AFB, South Dakota, just outside of Rapid City and the beautiful Black Hills. In the mid-1970s, Rapid City didn’t have a lot going on. Two theaters, about four decent restaurants, a new fast food place called Arby’s and a K-Mart were the highlights.

I was on alert quite a bit back then, which meant I lived on base next to my aircraft, just in case World War III might break out. So my wife Kathy was often alone with April. To give her a break when I came home, I would take April out for a daddy-daughter dates. Walks to the park when it was warm enough, sometimes rides in the car, but mostly we went to the local K-Mart. Usually, we didn’t have anything to buy--it was just a warm place to walk around in with colorful things for April to look at. I’m certain the employees knew us.

Not quite two years later, Kathy was pregnant and another baby was on the way. Today, dads are pregnant too, as in “We are pregnant.” Nonsense! I can understand saying, “We are expecting.” But only the mother will ever be pregnant in my mind. Nevertheless.

Again, I didn’t have this great desire to have a boy. I just wanted what every parent wants, a healthy child. It was June 4th, 1978 and I was in the delivery room as Kathy was about to deliver our second child after a very long labor. The doctor came when the nurses called him. Soon after, the baby was delivered and the doctor said, “It’s a boy!” Instantly--emotion welled up in me to the point of crying. I had expected the adrenaline of being a father again, what I hadn’t counted on was this emotional reaction of having a boy. It was quite surprising! I think I actually wanted a boy since I already had a girl, and I didn’t consciously know it.

Obviously, I don’t have any evidence, but I think an ancient part of my brain needed to have a boy for the reasons boys were so important in the past. Maybe for survival, lineage, society, protection, etc. Whatever it was, I didn’t know it existed.

I didn’t get to wander around K-Mart with my son because two weeks later I left the Air Force. Thank goodness Mike was not late or we would have had to pay for the delivery ourselves! He flew home to St. Louis with his mother while April, her grandmother, the dog and I drove home, pulling our meager belongings behind.

Four years later we are going to have our third child. This one a civilian birth in much more plush circumstances for Kathy than the Air Force births. Again, I did not care if it was a boy or a girl. I remembered my reaction to Mike’s birth, but since I already had a boy, I figured that dormant emotion wouldn’t happen again.

So it happens that we are blessed with another girl and we're thrilled for the third time! I remember driving home from the hospital with the other two kids singing a song we made up using the spelling of our newborn daughter’s name, R-A-C-H-E-L! What a doll she was - and is. I used to take her to the mall, just the two of us, and because of her long curly hair and pretty dresses, cute ladies and girls would always come up to talk to us (her). Rachel was our last child and we waited another twenty-six years before having grandchildren.

I’m writing this the night before Kathy, April, and Rachel are leaving for Ft. Campbell, KY to welcome our son, Mike, home as he returns from another tour in Afghanistan as an Army helicopter pilot. He’s been gone for nine months! I talked to him a few days ago and he said he didn’t want everyone to come, just me because he needed someone to pick him up. Besides, he said, he would be driving to St. Louis the next weekend. Well, we didn’t tell him, but we compromised. We’re leaving his grandmother, aunts and uncles, two brothers-in-law, his nephew and three nieces home--just the four of us will be there to greet him. We’ll try not to be emotional. He hates that (because he's emotional too!)

Parents--enjoy every simple moment of your children's lives. They grow up so fast!

The next day! (follow up article coming)

My family at Ft. Campbell, KY, home of the 101st Airborne

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12 Things That Blow Me Away!

1/7/2016

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"Homecoming GI" by Norman Rockwell, 1945

If you take the time to notice, there are things all around us that are just incredible. The voices of singers, the grace in dancers, the brilliance packaged in a smartphone, or the learning capability of a toddler. Our senses are numbed too often to everyday things that would otherwise make our jaws drop. I cannot sing, dance, understand a smartphone or learn at the pace of a toddler, but what I can do is notice these things. Not always. I’m not forever turning in circles with my mouth wide open. But I can stop every so often and take it all in.

Here are twelve things that blow me away when I stop to notice them. Every one of these must be noticed, not just by looking, but by soaking them in. This list came to me in about 15 minutes. I’m sure I missed some doozies, but I wanted to keep it short and spontaneous.

My List

A rising full moon on the horizon
Seeing the silhouette of my aircraft moving back and forth on a billowy cloud
The birth of a child
The love and detail in Norman Rockwell paintings
The power and expanse of the ocean
The bravery of men and women in the face of combat
The 10-12 absolutely spectacular sunrise/sunsets that occur each year
The creativity of people from Michelangelo and Da Vinci to Edison and Hawking
The infinity of space
A family walking together holding hands
The carpet of stars on a dark clear night
The Bentley Continental GT Speed Convertible

My list goes from shameless to schmaltzy and, not surprisingly, most have to do with nature. I’m guessing half of the things on this list may not have occurred to you. I hope so because it would be a shame to miss the wonder and appreciation of the special and unique aspects of our world that you may also appreciate if considered.

And, of course, I am absolutely blown away by the #powerofdadhood !

What amazing things blow you away?

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The Greatest Lesson!

1/4/2016

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Kids go through stages. Stages of growing, learning, maturity, understanding, etc. There is a great lesson to be taught in every stage whether it be how to share, how to be responsible, how to be kind and so on. All parents know it takes a lot of patience and perseverance to teach these important characteristics. Some of us are better at it than others. There is, however, one lesson every kid should learn before they are tossed out into the cold cruel world. It's a two-part lesson. From that time forward, it may be the last greatest lesson you can give them.

What is the first part of the lesson? It is one that will free them from many ills such as, dependence, regret, self-pity, misunderstanding, anger, and resentment. It is something kids are taught to be when they are young because it is an admirable trait. But, unfortunately, the lesson doesn’t always hold true in the real world. It’s not that it doesn’t happen frequently, but it can never be assumed or to be counted on. So what is the lesson?

I. Life is not fair and one should accept that reality.

It is true. Life is not fair as we all have experienced. There are many examples of it. Some people have fancy homes and cars while others live on the edge of hunger. That doesn’t seem fair at all. Some people are born into money, some are born with lots of intelligence, and others just seem to have more energy and better instincts. None of those things are fair, but you know what? That’s just too bad and we must get over it!

II. The second part the lesson: "Success is about leverage”!

Kids need to know that in the adult world, decisions are not always made according to fairness. They are more frequently made based on leverage. For instance, educated or skilled people have the leverage of better performance than those who don’t. They are the ones who are awarded scholarships, better jobs, and more money if they use that leverage!

Yes, you say, but there are some not-so-educated and not-so-hard working people that have more money. True, and that may not be fair. But surely they have leverage in some way that allows them to have more money. Any person born into a western culture like the United States has much more leverage than a very hard-working person born in the slums of Calcutta. The leverage in this example is birthplace. Again we see that it isn’t fair that some people are born less fortunate or in the wrong location. But life is not fair and likely never will be.

Note: Be as fair and ethical as possible, but don’t depend on it coming back to you!

Anyone can come up with examples they think are unfair. But in every one of those examples, there will be a situation where leverage has come into play. I thought that it was unfair when I went to college, that I was a commuter student without dorm friends who, I discovered later, helped each other study and had access to all kinds of old tests, etc. They had the leverage of instant help from smarter people who lived across the hall. It wasn’t fair to me, who studied alone. But I didn’t have the leverage of living in the dorms or knowing how things really worked in college. Yes, being naive is on me!

Note: There is NO leverage in being naive!

Here is another example. Should there be a minimum wage and is it fair to have one? Most people who have minimum wage jobs do not have the leverage of an education or special skills. People who hire them have the leverage of a large pool of non-skilled workers from which to choose so they can pay as little as it takes to get the employees they need. You can say it is unfair to these workers who may work very hard for their wages, but the employer has the leverage.

The only leverage unskilled workers may have is when the public, via their government representatives, has sympathy towards them. If deemed by law, these unskilled workers must be paid more than the market alone allows. This becomes fairer for the workers but unfair to the employers who now have to pay an artificially higher amount than the market. It may also be unfair for those that will not be hired because of the higher cost of labor. A majority in a democracy will almost always have leverage.

My wife was a teacher, my son is a soldier, one of my daughters is a college counselor and my other daughter is an occupational therapist. None of them make even one percent of the salary of an average major league baseball player. I think we now know that this is about the leverage of their talent, not the fairness of what occupations are most important in society. We accept that. And I do enjoy baseball even though they are overpaid in the minds of many. It’s not fair that some people have unique leverage that you could never attain, but you can’t wallow in that.

Note: There is no leverage in wallowing!

If your children can understand leverage and the ethical use of leverage, they have a tremendous head start over their peers! Being young, in itself, is a great leverage tool! Young people have time to earn, learn, and implement the things that will become leverage for them later in life, without ever depending on fairness or luck! Those people with this attitude are the ones who seem to succeed and be the most “lucky”.

Note: Understanding leverage IS leverage!

Leverage that doesn’t exist by chance can be built. Working hard in school to have good grades creates leverage over others to get into college or even a scholarship. The education attained via scholarship provides leverage over those without an education to get the best jobs. The money you earn is generally higher because fewer people have your education or skill. We all know that having money is classic leverage.

Note: There is tremendous leverage in a good attitude, a good education, a good work ethic, and a good understanding of how the world operates.

Like intelligence, a special talent, or being born into a well-to-do family, sometimes leverage is given to you. That is a gift. But leverage can be wasted if not valued. Also, leverage given to you can be taken away. It is the worst kind of leverage because you are counting on others and not yourself.

If your older children can grasp the notion that building leverage is to their advantage, that complaining about life not being fair is a waste of time, then you have given them a tremendous advantage in life. The leverage of understanding life, of having a work ethic, and knowing their success is basically up to them, could be the greatest lesson of their life!

Note: Having leverage is not always fair, and being fair does not always create leverage.

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