​Gangs: Acceptance vs. Values
​
What is it that draws boys (or girls for that matter) to gangs? For some young people, acceptance is more important than the values a civilized society expects of them.

Acceptance

Most individuals want acceptance and will perform in ways to get it. Sometimes they will act in foolish ways to get it. In families, an individual's acceptance or feeling of belonging should be natural--but not without limits. If limits do not exist for or from a family member, then caring for that family member does not exist. One indication of caring or acceptance is getting attention; without it, there is no recognition of worth in the view of the one not receiving it. This situation creates an over-riding hunger for approval and belonging!

Quoting Mother Theresa, "The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread." In fact, a serving of bread can fill a stomach, but it takes time and much love to fill a heart.

Let's assume a boy, as an example, is in a home where the father is physically or emotionally missing. Let's also assume this boy has a loving mother to isolate the issue. This boy will have an emotional void whether he realizes it or not. A boy wants to become a man, not just biologically, but emotionally and just as importantly, in the eyes of society. He needs a proper mentor to do this because a mentor will praise a child's efforts leading to positive social values and condemn acts that hurt the child or others.
 
As stated by Jordan Peterson in 12 Rules for Life, "Sometimes, when people have a low opinion of their self-worth—or, perhaps, when they refuse responsibility for their lives –they choose a new acquaintance, of precisely the type who proved troublesome in the past. Such people don't believe that they deserve any better—so they don't go looking for it. Or, perhaps, they don't want the trouble of better."

Why might father-starved youth have a low opinion of themselves, or why do they seek the easy way out in life? In an obvious or even an obscure way, being rejected by a parent will significantly impact a child's personality, self-image, and self-esteem--and not in a positive way. It will forever determine how they relate and are accepted by and blend with others. This desire for acceptance and validation is one of the most potent motivating forces known to man. When parents don't do this for their child, it creates a void that needs resolution.

What does an involved father do for a child? In Fatherless Society by David Blankenhorn, Quadrant, 12/1/1997, he states clearly,

"Fatherhood is a social role that obligates men to their biological offspring. For two reasons, it is society's most important role for men. First, Fatherhood, more than any other male activity, helps men to become good men: more likely to obey the law, to be good citizens, and to think about the needs of others. Put more abstractly; Fatherhood bends maleness - in particular, male aggression - toward prosocial purposes. Second, Fatherhood privileges children. In this respect, Fatherhood is a social invention designed to supplement maternal investment in children with paternal investment in children.
Paternal investment enriches children in four ways. First, it provides them with a father's physical protection. Second, it provides them with a father's money and other material resources. Third, and probably most important, it provides them with what might be termed paternal cultural transmission: a father's unique capacity to contribute to the identity, character, and competence of his children. Fourth, and most obviously, paternal investment provides children with the day-to-day nurturing - feeding them, playing with them, telling them a story - that they want and need from both of their parents. In virtually all human societies, children's well-being depends decisively upon a relatively high level of paternal investment."

Further, from 'ScienceDaily,' "A father's love contributes as much -- and sometimes more -- to a child's development as does a mother's love. That is one of many findings in a new large-scale analysis of research about the power of parental rejection and acceptance in shaping our personalities as children and into adulthood."

From The Power of Dadhood:

"It is in the home where;

• Children should learn kindness, goodness, values, discipline, and manners. 
• Children should find understanding, caring, and comfort.
• Successful lives should begin -- with open minds, encouragement, and love.
• Compassion should exist, where the safety nets of our children's failures are made of rubber bands, ready to sling them back into the world — stronger, wiser, and with new momentum."

So back to the question, "What is it that draws boys (or girls for that matter) to gangs?" A study by Stanley S. Taylor, California State University in 2013 entitled "Why American Boys Join Street Gangs," stated this;

"All of the psychosocial histories of gang members in this study were diverse, however there were several underlying consistent themes prevalent in each members life history (1) frustration and anxiety stemming from family problems such as fatherlessness, (2) sadness, frustration, and anxiety in home life (3) the feeling that they wanted an end to the frustration (4) expression of hostility through defiance of authority in the industry versus inferiority stage and physical violence in the identity versus role and confusion stage of psychosocial development and, (5) misconduct at school, mostly for fighting or bullying schoolmates, and (6) gang membership as a salient opportunity for peer recognition in their immediate neighborhood and community."

When Taylor's conditions exist, gangs can provide some of what is missing in a young man's life. Gangs give a young man a chance at acknowledgment and status, but he has to prove himself before he can belong. He must adopt the values of that gang, and if he does, he will find the acceptance and respect that alluded him in the past. But how do the values of a gang differ from the values of a nurturing family?

Values

Goodness, fairness, honesty, helpfulness are all values that are common in successful families. These values are missing in gangs. But the desire to belong and be a part of a group is strong enough to place any common values you may have had or never learned in the rearview mirror when acceptance to a gang requires new covenants. Here are a few examples.

Toughness  

• Toughness as a value in a family situation would mean not giving in to peer pressure or trying even harder in tough times.
• But in a gang, toughness is defined by how unafraid you project yourself or how dominant you can be, which often leads to violence.

Smartness 

• Smartness as a family value is common sense and one's academic achievements or judging or making the right decisions.
• In a gang, smartness is the ability to outsmart or 'con' another person, i.e., cheating, taking advantage of others' weakness, conning people, and petty thievery are the hallmarks of a 'smart' gang member.

Enjoyment

• Enjoyment in a family atmosphere would include reading, watching movies, playing sports, etc.
• A gang's idea of enjoyment too often includes gambling, sexual adventures, drugs, and alcohol.

As I stated in The Power of Dadhood, 'prevention' is so much easier than 'correction' when it is about your children's attitudes and behavior, and it must be taught as early in their lives as they can understand it.

Summary

A kid with a supportive family, constant encouragement, and self-worth can be resilient to adversity and negativity. He will feel comfortable in his skin and have the strength to be himself and uphold the values taught to him that he holds to be true. He has the confidence of a worthwhile person, as shown to him most often and best by his family.

Without group support, he will often find himself alone and with little self-worth. Low self-worth begets devastatingly low ambition and an unwillingness to crawl out of the hole he finds themselves in. That hole is dug deep by an unsupportive environment, a missing father, a busy mother, and non-existent mentors. Tragically, it is the support of a gang that may fill the gaps in all the wrong ways.

Without a supportive family or role model, a kid cannot say 'no' when 'no' needs to be said, i.e., when expected to do something against their inner voice. When support comes from a gang, a kid cannot say 'yes' when opportunity outside the gang exists. Trapped by a code forced upon him to remain a gang member, it will take much convincing to trust support outside of the gang to have a purposeful life.
 
* Note: "…..gangs tend to propel youths into a life of crime, punctuated by arrests, convictions, and periods of incarceration. The costs to society are enormous. Each assault-related gunshot injury costs the public approximately $1 million. A single adolescent criminal career of about ten years can cost taxpayers between $1.7 and $2.3 million."

 * https://www.nationalgangcenter.gov/Content/Documents/Impact-of-Gangs-on-Communities.pdf

,​I’m a grandfather who, upon retirement, is looking back at fatherhood hoping to help fathers of today. I loved being a dad, but it took me a bit of time to figure it out. I was incentivized by what I had missed as a kid, so I’ve thought about it quite a bit. These are seven things to consider when raising kids.

1.       Wink, smile, look at them in a way they can feel the love.

Most dads say “I love you” to their kids, but some never do. For those of us that do, it can get to be routine. That’s not to imply you should stop saying it, but there are other ways of saying I love you that pierce right into their hearts! Special moments can arise where just eye contact and a smile will let them know you care. And sometimes we forget a loving touch like hug or pat on the back. And oddly enough, disciplining can also show love because you are molding them, helping them to be their best.

2.       Don’t treat all your kids the same.

Have you heard of the “average” kid? Well, he/she does not exist! The average kid is a statistic. Of course, you will find common traits in kids such as being, shy, active, loud, picky, anxious, careless; it goes on and on. You can’t treat kids the same. Your interactions should be tailored to their needs because every kid is different socially, regarding behavior, intellectually, etc. Yes, all children should all be treated fairly, but it would not be fair to treat them all the same!

3.       Your children want to be disciplined.

You kids will fight you and challenge you at every turn--until they know the routine. If you are consistent, they will know arguing is useless, and they won’t do it after a while. As they get older, there will be rules they don’t care for, and they will try to talk you out of them. “You must be home by 11 PM,” you say. “But dad, my friends can stay out until midnight!” Sometimes you can and should give in, but if you have hard and fast, but reasonable rules, then stick to them. The rules tell them you care enough about them that you want them to grow safely into responsible adults. Their ego will be angry, but their true self will love you!

4.       You are not your wife.

You are a dad, a man. You are not their mother, a woman. You are different and teach different things in different ways. Of course, parents must discuss discipline and values, compromise if necessary, and be on the same page on essential factors. But do things with your kids that their mom wouldn’t do. Have unique, personal routines with your kids. Be yourself. If one parent lets misbehavior slide, then the other parent may need to be more responsible. When these styles balance within the family, it works much better than both being easy going--or both being tough all the time. But never work against each other as parents! 

5.      Children will watch what you do more than what you say.

Your kids are very observant. They pick up your habits very quickly - the way you talk, the way you treat people, the way you treat your wife. Most importantly, they will notice if you keep your word. If your words match your actions, then you are reinforcing their belief in you. When you do, they will learn that words have meaning. When you back up what you say, then they will know to listen!

6.       Don’t ever involve your children in your marital issues.

No matter how old, never complain to your kids about their mom. They may know about what you’re unhappy about, but they don’t want to hear it from you. Why upset your children about something in which they have no say or have no fault? When you complain to them, you are the one that doesn’t look good in their eyes.

7.       Pay special attention. Seemingly everyday moments can bring such joy - now and in the future.

I have memory gaps involving each of my children. Some periods of their lives are difficult to recall. You, yourself, may not remember your son playing violin one year, or that your daughter was in a school play. Your children’s first days of school, the names of their best friends, their smiles on Christmas morning are all precious times and facts that deserve remembering. Although we shouldn’t live in the past, we also shouldn’t be without a story. The stories of the family will warm you when you are in your last days.  A lost memory of a special moment is worse than almost any object lost. Therefore, take photos, tell stories of the past to keep them alive, don’t miss special occasions, and when you do things with your kids be there all the way, in mind and spirit. Not doing this will result in forgetting certain moments which would have smiles to your lips and warmed your heart.

Summary

These are things I learned as a dad. I failed at times on all of them as you will likely do as well. But if we keep these thoughts in mind, our failures will be minimized, and our roles as fathers will be of great value to the growth and success of our children!

We all know stupid people, have seen stupid acts and done stupid things ourselves. However, some people have a knack for stupid. Maybe there is a reason, which I will get to later. Pointing out some of these stupidities to those we love or mentor may be helpful to their success. We all remember our parents saying, “If (Joe or Judy) jumped off a bridge, would you?” That was how they taught us NOT to be stupid.  But it lacked panache. Teaching the right things to do or say doesn’t have the visual impacts or humor of  ‘how to be stupid’. Let’s show them how to be stupid and hope our children ignore us as they are want to do.

The Trifecta of ‘How to Be Stupid’

1. The first step in really being stupid is to quit school before graduation or before you have a real skill. It’s not just what you won’t learn, it’s what it says about you, and the interpretations of others have about you - that you’re a quitter or think you’re too smart for school. You may get a job that earns well, but the odds are highly against it.
2. Speaking of jobs, not getting one is beyond stupid. If you are of sound body and mind, which is doubtful if you quit school, then you can still find a job. Sure, it may not come with a car and an expense account, but not only will you make some money, but you will also have pride and self-worth. Doing a job well with pride, no matter what it is, brings you respect. If you are the best burger-flipper in town, you will be more respected than a lousy insurance agent.
3. If you really want to be stupid, give birth to or father a baby in your teens. So many aspects of this will go against you. First of all, if you are a girl, the father may disappear or be irresponsible. This possibility shouldn’t be a surprise. Secondly, the freedom you have been waiting for all your young life will be gone! Thirdly, you are highly apt to be poor, really poor, especially if you quit school and don’t have a job. The statistics are overwhelming.

 
So what are the best ways to avoid falling into poverty?

Given the ‘trifecta of stupidity’ scenario above, the Brookings Institution has spent a great deal of effort studying this issue. Brookings whittled down a lot of analysis into three simple rules. You can avoid poverty by:

1. Graduating from high school.

2. Waiting to get married until after 21 and do not have children till after being married.

3. Having a full-time job.

If you do all those three things, your chance of falling into poverty is just 2 percent. Meanwhile, you’ll have a 74 percent chance of being in the middle class. These rules apply to all races and ethnic groups. Breaking these rules is becoming more commonplace, unfortunately, for all racial groups. By contrast, young adults who violated all three norms - dropped out, got married before 21 and had children out of wedlock and didn’t have a full-time job - had a 76 percent chance of winding up in poverty and a 7 percent chance of winding up in the middle class.

Not Thinking of the Possibilities/Consequences

I admit to not being a big fan of tattoos, just a personal opinion. I think we all look better without them, au naturel. But I understand the appeal of some to be individualistic - we have that right. The name of someone you love or have loved forever can be endearing. A small butterfly, flower, initials or other adornment is often sweet and harmless. But getting a controversial tattoo without thinking ahead is a giant leap towards being stupid.
​
Let’s say you want to be a real estate agent, a hand-sized tattoo of the devil on your neck may not be a good idea. If you are going to join the military, they frown on tattoos of swastikas or skulls on your forehead. I once saw a young girl with a tattoo about five inches tall of Mr. Peanut on her calf. She must have really liked peanuts! Another girl prominently displayed Tweety Bird. Tweety is cute, but what are you saying about yourself? Weddings, where the bride has a skeleton tattoo on her back shoulder above her wedding dress, do have their place in some weddings. The tattoo I saw of Patrick Swayze as half-man, half-horse, in a pink and purple motif, was a particular favorite of mind. Centaurs may have been all the rage when this lady chose her tattoo. Maybe it wasn’t stupid….then! Again, if you have an ugly, rated X, Taco Bell, scary, or cartoon tattoo, and don’t care how it may impact your future life or possible changing values, then go for it.

I live in Missouri, where they have helmet laws for motorcycles. Whenever I go into Illinois, where there is no helmet law, I rarely a helmet on anyone. Now I’m not big on the government telling us what we can do to ourselves, so I prefer not having a helmet law. But if stupid had a trophy, it would be biker’s noggin cracked open like an egg. Now I understand it is cool not to wear a helmet, both literally and figuratively. But it’s not cool to drool in a wheelchair in a nursing home, or die! Oh, and for you bikers out there who don’t like helmets while riding, I don’t actually live in Missouri. I live in Australia! 

Some things become more stupid as you age. If teenage boys are “burning rubber” on their cars, it’s kind of stupid, but it is also fun (if done safely in non-populated areas). It is what we do growing up. Now if you’re 40 or 50 and you’re burning rubber, that’s stupid. You just wasted 5000 miles of wear on those tires. Grow up!

Smoking is stupid if you’ve never smoked before! Smokers smoke because they are hooked and enjoy it. If you’ve never smoked, you are not hooked. It is expensive and dangerous to your health, so why set yourself up to be slaves to tobacco? I see more young teen girls smoke than teen boys. One of the few examples on the plus side for girls being more stupid than boys.

Now it’s safe to say that boys are stupider than girls in general. But when girls do stupid things, it can be even more dangerous. Girls drinking at parties is even stupider than boys drinking at parties, if possible. Dressing to be attractive is good. Dressing in a slutty or suggestive fashion is pretty stupid for a girl to do. And don’t twerk. Why? Because guys are so much stupider! They think you are flashing a green-light for their pleasure. And boys do very stupid things for pleasure! Girls are stupid if they don’t know this.

Other Ways to be Stupid

• Not checking for toilet paper before you go into a stall
• Thinking your kids won’t be stupid
• Not keeping your word
• Sending money for any reason to Nigeria
• Resisting arrest, even if you are innocent
• Not listening to those that know what they are talking about
• Letting kids have free, unsupervised access to the Internet
• Not saving a percentage of your income
• Texting on a smartphone while driving
• Not paying off a credit card each month
• Buying things you don’t need with money you don’t have.
• Doing X-game activities when you’re not X-game talented

Some things are more stupid than others!

I know I guy who, when he was a teenager, was drinking with a few friends. They got drunk and decided to have a bar-b-que. The trouble was they had no meat and likely spent their money on beer, etc. They decided to drive drunk to the country and find a cow they could butcher. Amazingly, without killing themselves or someone else on the way, they found a lonesome cow in a field. One of these yahoos climbed over the fence, knife in hand, to kill this poor animal. He stalked slowly and unsteadily towards this cow and just as he reached this innocent bovine, the hungry drunk thrust the knife into its hind quarter! With the reflexes of a Kung Fu artist, the cow kicked knife-wielding predator in a place where the pain was so severe, he threw up and became instantly sober! No bar-be-que that night.

No, this was not me! but I have done stupid things like everyone. I have driven while drinking, stood on a porch swing only to fall hard on concrete, and I once played “You Light Up My Life” on a Juke Box.

Can you fix stupid?

Some say you can’t fix stupid. But maybe you can. Stupid has a recipe. One part show-off, two parts needing attention, two parts lacking a mentor, one part of lacking realism, one part of gullibility, one part over-confidence, two parts arrogance, all exacerbated by a dash of liquor, a pint of anger, or a shot of revenge. The young man who stabbed the cow would not have done so without this recipe. He did not have a present father, who abandoned him, nor a present mother, whose absence was created by a need to work endless hours to feed her many children. His act of stupidity was preventable.

Let’s change the recipe with proper attention, mentoring, education, acceptance, and supervision. Let’s face it. Much of stupidity is preventable. It will never be wiped out, and each of us will have our share. But children and young adults taught a proper recipe for living a good life will minimize stupid acts, becoming more successful and perhaps saving their lives! That proper recipe involves some critical ingredients, like people who care enough to sacrifice for them. Usually and ideally, those people are an intelligent and caring mother and father working together.

​Summary
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Stupidity will always be with us! However, individual acts of stupidity are very preventable. They are preventable with good parents and good mentors teaching young people the proper recipe to improve their chances for success using reasoning, values, and foresight. Very few of us are adequately self-taught in these areas. The pressures of society, especially uncivil society, are too significant to overcome alone.

​#powerofdadhood

I began this blog “Helping Fathers to be Dads” in 2013 just before the publication of my book, "The Power of Dadhood” and I haven’t missed writing at least one article a week in over four years. My purpose was the hope that I would find an audience that might need encouragement, discussion, and some thoughts about being a parent, especially a dad! Now it is 10:00 PM on a Monday and I just realized I haven’t written a thing for this self-imposed deadline of mine.

I just returned from a visit to my son, stationed in Texas. It was Cookie Day on Saturday with our four grandchildren. I’ve been very occupied by a new book project and thoughts regarding a personal issue. Commitments, projects, family, writing, you name it - we all get busy, but after four years I don’t want to miss a week.

But I don’t want to waste my time or yours because I appreciate that anyone would take time to read what I have to say. So I will repeat some VERY important and disturbing facts regarding fatherhood. You may be aware of this info if you’ve read past blog posts of mine. Otherwise, you may be shocked by the impacts dads have by their presence or their absence.

Social Facts regarding Fatherhood:

• 91% of fathers agree there is a father-absence crisis in the US.
• 41% of babies were born to unmarried mothers in 2008. In 1950, this number was 4%.
• 70% of adults believe a child needs a home with both a father and a mother to grow up happy.
• In 1960, 88% (67% Black) of children lived in a home with two parents. Today that number is around 69% (41% Black).
• 24.7 million Children (33%) lived in a biological father-absent home in 2010.
• Half of all children are expected to live with a biological mother and a ‘social’ father.
• A 2009 study found that father involvement was the only factor that decreased the odds of engaging in sexual activity.

The resulting facts!

Children raised without a father in the home are:

• 15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
• 24.3 times more likely to run away
• 6.6 times more likely to drop out of high school
• 4.6 times more likely to commit suicide
• 6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institution
• 10.8 times more likely to commit rape
• 6.6 times more likely to become teenage mothers
• 15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager

Imagine now, a society where 90% of homes are complete with involved fathers.

• Would we have near the drug problem?
• Would we need more police?
• Would we have fewer teen births?
• Would we have less poverty and needy families?

I think we know the answers to these questions! Each issue mentioned - drugs, crime, teen births, and poverty - are continuing problems we face each day in America. We fight them with drug programs, more police, more free condoms and abortions, and increased welfare. Those programs will never solve any of those issues until families somehow become whole in the majority. Every problem begins and/or ends in the home. Better yet, the hope is a family culture that is such that thoughts of trouble with drugs, crime, teen pregnancy, or poverty could never be an issue. I believe this with all my heart!

It is 10:37. It was a quick write, but packed with important information I hope you can use and/or share! 

Think #family

#powerofdadhood

​A trend in recent years is the glacial pace at which adolescents are moving into adulthood. Young people are taking their time accepting adult responsibilities, having sex earlier with more partners, drinking heavily, marrying later, studying later, traveling longer and taking more time to decide what it is they want to do with their lives. They also are very picky about the jobs they will accept, waiting for their dream job. Some might say, “So, what’s wrong with all that?” But what it has led to is more young adults living with parents than a spouse in 2016 and not likely to be paying rent. And no matter your thoughts on the Affordable Care Act, the fact that a 26-year-old is eligible to be covered by his parent's insurance is irresponsible from the standpoint of delaying personal adult responsibility. Daddy and mommy should not be responsible for your lives at 26.

The traditional definition for adolescence is between and the ages of 10 and 19, which marked the beginnings of puberty and the perceived end of biological growth. Now, some scientists say adulthood does not begin until 24. At that age, I was already flying nuclear-equipped aircraft for the Air Force.

What comes first, adulthood then responsibility, or responsibility then adulthood?

Clearly, in past generations, responsibility made one an adult, maybe sometimes too early. These days it seems that responsibilitues are delayed until one claims adulthood, and that is happening later and later. 
In the past, young adults were expected to have finished school, found a job, and set up their own household during their 20s—most often with their spouse and with a child soon to follow. Other facts - around 1900, nine of ten young people 14-17 years old worked full time. In 1920, nearly two-thirds of all people over age 14 were married. During World War II, large numbers of 18-year-olds (and younger) were fighting and dying in ferocious battles and deplorable conditions in defense of their country.

How to accelerate into adulthood

In my opinion, as parents, we should strive to get somewhere in the middle, between the tough days of generations past and the overindulgence of young adults in the present. But how?
Some things are learned through what I call ‘parental osmosis’, where your kids learn by watching and mimicking you. It helps if you, as a parent, have the qualities you desire in your children. “Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t really work. Of course, children don’t always follow their parent’s example. Which can be a good thing sometimes, but not usually! So teaching and expecting certain behaviors from them is very important. So too, are the behaviors you choose as important.

Here are six behaviors, or characteristics, that can be helpful in guiding any young person into adulthood.

Ambition – Most kids have ambitions. Some good, like a college degree or a specialized skill, others not as good, like becoming the best video game player in school. However, the best ambition for anyone is to use every gift available to reach one’s highest potential for making a difference in the world. Although not always easy to get across, it is easy to discuss and set expectations. Without your guidance, this kind of thinking may not cross their minds until too late.

Commitment – Never accept a half-baked job from your child. Every task assigned or every venture they decide to take on should not be abandoned for trivial reasons. When they are committed, they need to go all out to success or failure, but never a failure of commitment.

Reliability – When you say you will do something, always do it (or have a darn good reason). You can’t expect a kid to be reliable when he hasn’t seen it from others and isn’t required to be so from his parents. Reliability is a giant step toward respectability!

Resilience – Failure is indeed a great teacher! There is no shame in failure because it comes with effort and risk indicating someone with goals. Resilient kids learn from their failures and keep sharpening their tools. If your child gives up too quickly on new endeavors or tasks, push them to continue. Their eventual and likely success will teach them the value of resilience.

Humility – A humble person is likely to have had success without the need to flaunt their achievements. Some people never grow up in this area. When your child is humble, it characterizes maturity and wins admiration from others. Sure, one may not get credit for something by not telling others, but bragging about any achievement will nullify any impression that you may have been looking for. Success is for you to celebrate within, not as a reason to boast or assume a higher station in life.

Courage – Courage is doing what one has to do even if they fear failure. Courage gives a child resilience which factors into their reliability because of their commitment. Speak to your kids when fear grips them. Let them know that fear is usually paper thin and can be overcome by challenging it square-on. It also takes courage to decide not to follow peers into dark places or acts. Courage always comes with some fear or doubt. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be necessary.

Summary

If you want to avoid what some parents are going through these days with their young adult children, start taking action now! Any adolescent with the above qualities will undoubtedly have success and be ready to move quickly into the responsible behavior we all look for in adulthood! A good dad or mom will start teaching these behaviors at a very young age, and when they do, they can be satisfied they have done their best as a parent. And you may have your house to yourself!

One of the key principles in parenting is ‘balance.’ That’s one of the great treasures of having two parents. A child can see different reactions, beliefs, attitudes, personality, tone, sex, and other differences with two parents in their lives. One parent may be more or less correct than the other but a sneak at both sides, when there are differences, is likely a good thing. Some people call it diversity in viewpoints. Hearing the same thing all the time is more akin to brainwashing. I’m not a big fan of indoctrination! I like choices with reasoned opinions and enlightened options. Of course, I will be biased in my teaching while trying not to be dictatorial.

There also needs to be balance in words that describe your kids’ behavior and personal characteristics. For instance, I like hope - but with action. I believe in faith - but with sincere desire. Hope puts a pilot light in your head, but action comes when you turn on the gas. Having faith, which assumes that you can’t make it happen on your own, is worthless if your faith doesn’t come from deep within your heart.

The Bible, Matthew 5:5 says, “Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.” I believe the meek should have a voice, but I never really understood how they would inherit the earth. That requires some aspect of strength. Then I heard a speaker note that ‘meek’ meant something different when that word was written or translated. The meek were those who ‘had swords but kept them in their sheath,’ assuming they would never be used for gain. I can see those that have ‘strength with temperance’ as those deserving of inheriting the earth.

No, I don’t expect everyone or anyone to accept this meaning of ‘meek,’ but the point is ‘having strength alone’ is not necessarily a good thing. Having strength, using it only for good, is balancing. It makes a strong person compassionate around those without strength.

Another example of balance with words is, ‘rules with flexibility.’ I state in my book on fatherhood, “In a family, a system (a plan or an agreement) can be a set of rules, beliefs, or standards. Most of the time these are never written down, but they should be clear.”

A child doesn’t know what to expect, or what’s expected of them, without rules. But rules must never be so rigid that exceptions can’t be made. Allowing your kids to stay up late to watch an expected meteor shower is more meaningful than sticking tightly to a rule, "In bed by 9."

Flexibility balances rules. Just as:

• Accountability balances compassion
• Humility balances competence
• Guidance balances empathy
• Encouragement balances sympathy
• Responsibility balances love
• Conviction balances promise
• Planning balances action
• Courage balances vulnerability

Maybe the words I use above to balance each other don’t make sense to you, and perhaps some do. I could explain my thoughts on each, but that’s not what is essential. I hope to convince you that there is never one word that can adequately describe or define a person or situation. It may be true that I was a demanding parent who was loving to his wife and a patriotic citizen - but indeed not the whole truth. For instance, I would say was demanding yet reasonable as a parent, loving but fallible as a husband, and patriotic but not blind as a citizen.

Summary

Balance is a place you always want to be leaning towards. Take time to think. Have I been too hard on my kids lately? Am I working too much and home too little? Have I been spending more time with my youngest child than my oldest? Did I call a child bad when I meant they did a bad thing? Actions matter. Words matter. Be sure the ear is hearing what the mouth is meaning. Nature is always leaning towards balance. In human nature, balance must more often be created.

Life is about balance. Be kind, but don't let people abuse you. Trust, but don't be deceived. Be content, but never stop improving yourself.
Nishan Panwar

Be precise in your speech.
Jordan B. Petersen

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Sometimes, it’s difficult to understand people. You listen to what they say or how they dress, with whom they sympathize or how they spend their money and you wonder why. We certainly see this dichotomy in politics. Some people want to build walls and protect while others tend towards more chaos and sharing of ideas. Some people are empathetic to a fault while others are demanding to a fault. We all know people who are dreamers but never get anything done. Then there are some who are short of ideas but give them a task and you can trust it will be accomplished.

Why people act and think the way they do will become clearer if you understand personality characteristics. By some degree, we cannot help who we are because of inborn tendencies. To understand this better, a look at personality research will help.

Many personality researchers support the five-factor theory of personality, 

1. Extraversion
2. Agreeableness
3. Conscientiousness
4. Neuroticism
5. Openness

Understanding personality is essential in parenting. As I’ve stated in past articles, you treat all your children fairly, but you should not treat them all the same. For instance, it would be wrong to compare a shy boy to his very social sister because being socially comfortable does not come as easily to him. Yes, most parents are aware of personality differences in their children and how to handle them, but not all personality characteristics are as obvious as introversion vs extroversion. It helps to understand all personality traits. These traits are relatively stable throughout one’s life.

Of course, you don’t give-in to a trait that may be holding a child back from comfort and success. For instance, my natural introversion as a boy did me no good and no one around me challenged me to acknowledge this fact. I changed schools quite often and was slow to make friends. I may even have seemed strange to some people by my reserved nature. Today, I am still an introvert but some of my friends swear I’m an extrovert. I learned over time, a long time, that I could be sociable and even enjoy being around people, but I still enjoy quiet time alone time. It would have helped me if my mother could have placed me in situations to gradually become comfortable around other kids. I don’t blame her. She had her hands full with more serious issues than my awkwardness. Unfortunately, I was thrust in and out of social circles too quickly to adjust on my own.

So personality is always a factor in parenting. But not just your children's personalities, but yours and your spouses also!

Summary
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• You can be a better parent if you understand personality traits. See five-factor theory of personality.
• Children should all be treated fairly, but not always the same.
• Any personality traits that are holding your children back can usually be tempered.
• 10 Fascinating Facts About Personality

 
Read my book “The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs”