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Will Your Kids Be Set for Life?

5/30/2014

Adam Wainwright - cbssports photo

Are Your Kids Set for Life!

The vast majority of us want to do the best we can to ensure our children’s futures will be happy and secure. Yet we have different ideas on how to do this and what it takes to follow through.

Back in 2004, a pro basketball player by the name of Latrell Sprewell was offended by a three year offer of $30 million. ''Why would I want to help them win a title? They're not doing anything for me. I'm at risk. I have a lot of risk here. I got my family to feed.'' Keep in mind, Sprewell made over $14 million in 2004.

Now whether he was worthy of more money or not is not the issue here. What caught the attention of most people was his plea, “I got my family to feed”. There are two immediate thoughts here.

1) You don’t get paid according to what you need. You get paid for what you are worth. Being paid more than you are worth is a form of charity. Sprewell needed more money to feed his family?

2) Obviously, you don’t need millions of dollars to feed your family. The median family income in 2004 was $44,000. That means fully half of families made less than $44,000 a year.

Well, you might say, he was just saying that to mean ‘he must do the best he can for his family’. It’s true, a man must do the best he can for his family. But to intimate that he needed it to feed his family was insulting to people who actually struggled to feed their families. Maybe he wanted his children to be “set for life”? If so, it would be interesting to see how they are doing 10 years later. My guess is not so well for having a father who earned more than $96,000,000 over his career. Mr. Sprewell had 4 children from one woman and was sued for child support!! He reportedly many more children from other women.

Then there is Adam Wainwright, a pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals. He, too, makes millions of dollars, much of which he donates to various causes. He doesn’t worry about feeding his family. He worries about his children being set for life, not monetarily, but with character and life skills.

What may not sound like a problem to most, can be an issue for families that have more money than they will ever need. In a radio interview, Wainwright said he wanted his children to be able to stand on their own. This is one reason he said he’d like his “last check to bounce” just before he died, meaning he will have done all he could with his ‘good fortune’ through service to others. Of course he will leave money to his children or grandchildren, but if I know Adam Wainwright, there will be conditions placed on most of that money.

When your children are ‘set for life’, that shouldn’t mean having money, ready for them, when they want it.

Being set for life means:

   A useful education

   An independent and responsible attitude

   The ability to work with others

   A good work ethic

   Both a toughness and softness, both to be used when appropriate

If your children have these characteristics, you don’t have to leave them a dime, because they will be set for life!!

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The Toughest Job a Dad Could Ever Have

5/26/2014

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www.thinkstockphotos.com/image/133724412

Imagine being sent on a business trip for a year when your wife is six months pregnant.

Imagine being unable to see your daughters first dance recital.

How would you feel if you had to take you children away from their friends, three or more times!

What if you could not promise to be around for your kids’ birthdays?

You’d like to coach your son’s baseball team, but your schedule just doesn’t allow it.

Would you accept a job with risks that could leave your family without a dad, for modest pay?

Could you find a wife who understands that you cannot always be there to help her raise your children?

Welcome to the life of a military father. It’s not always this way, but it is always possible. On Memorial Day we honor those service men and women that gave the ultimate sacrifice for their country! We also honor those families that had to get along without them.

We should also not forget that every military family has some sacrifice to endure, be it fear, separation, unfair burdens, multiple moves, loss of roots, uncertain futures and more. When you are a military father - a Soldier, Sailor, Marine, or Airman – you might say your toughest job is not in service to your country, but in being able to be an effective father as you serve.

I’d like to say thanks the military moms and dads, their spouses and children for being those called upon to be ready - to leave each other, to sacrifice family time to defend the rights and privileges we enjoy each day.

Thank You!

PS. Since I first wrote this in May 2014, I have found Little Patriots Embraced, a wonderful charity that supports military children and their families. Please learn about and consider supporting this fine organization.

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Teaching Your Kids Financial Responsibility

5/23/2014

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This young man appears to be living beyond his means!

My wife Kathy and I love to travel. Fortunately we have the means to do so because of a couple of reasons. One, we did what we could to be responsible in our choices regarding work, play and investing. Two, we did the best we could to instill that responsibility in our children, thereby insuring they weren’t a burden to us financially or emotionally.

In the beginning, we really didn’t have a plan. We struggled like most young families. However, over the years, we did what we thought was the right way to do things and it became a plan that we used to teach our three kids financial responsibility.

This plan to teach financial responsibility to kids has three major steps.

Get to them while they’re still young
Educate and prepare them to be on their own
Get them off to a good start in their earning years

Step 1:
Getting to them when they are young means teaching basic responsibility by giving them tasks for which they are responsible. Let them know they are an important part of the family team and that you depend on them. Of course those tasks grow as they grow and they should not be paid for routine tasks.

As I’ve mentioned in previous articles, always support and help your children, but do it in a way that will make them stronger, not weaker. They must pay for or make good their own mistakes. They need support until the point they need to move forward on their own. Encourage them to make money with typical jobs like lawn mowing or babysitting, then watch how they handle it.

Step 2:
Educate them! Use your leverage, encouragement and funds to get them an education that will result in skills that will translate into a real job. This may be college, a trade school, something else. The money you spend now may save you multiples of that amount if your children cannot support themselves in the future! Prepare them by continuing to make them responsible people.

Step 3:
Soon after they get their first job after a higher education, do these things:

Take them to see a financial adviser (not a financial stock or fund salesman). This will at least make them aware of their existence, and the ways money can be used, for emergencies, for growth, and how to handle risks by the differing ways to save and invest. I even would give them some money to invest in mutual fund - a nice graduation gift!
Set them up with an automatic savings plan where a certain percentage of their income is diverted to a savings account before the ever see the money. People often say they can’t save money because they make too little. You can always save a little, the habit is more important than the money at this point.
Your now grown children must understand that they can’t spend all they make on obligations. Not only the 5% or so that I suggest they save for emergencies and the future, but there must be some amount left to enjoy life, to go the movies, or a ballgame, buy some ice cream, or go out to dinner. They should never buy a car or house that’s fancier than they need. It will tie up not only the future, but the present.
Teach them to never spend emergency funds for anything but emergencies! Don’t be tempted by instant gratification.
Never lend your grown children money without having them pay it back. If they don’t pay it back, then stop lending it to them. Gifts of money from you should be your idea and uncommon.
Have them get a credit rating early. Buy something small on credit or get a credit card. We all need a credit rating eventually. BUT IT HAS TO BE A GOOD CREDIT RATING! Pay your bills on time. My son was 28 years old with substantial savings but he couldn’t get a loan for a car because he had always paid cash for everything. He even had a difficult time getting a credit card, but we eventually worked it out.

The whole idea of step 3 is to establish good habits and a good financial attitude!

If, after all of this, your children have financial difficulty, it’s on them! At this point you should be very careful to help them financially because it most likely won’t help and your hard earned savings will be wasted!

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Will You Make Them Stronger or Weaker?

5/20/2014

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A perfect start to a perfect relationship.

We all need support. Especially our children. Just like a sapling when you stake it in place, allowing that sapling to establish roots and strength, our children are human saplings that need that same support. Parents are the stakes that support and give them time to become strong and independent!

Virtually nothing moves forward successfully without support. Success stories that seem to have miraculously occurred with sheer determinism, seemingly devoid of any support, are rare.

Many years ago I was a bomber pilot in the U.S. Air Force. I thought I had the best job on the crew although it was just a support role. The entire purpose of the aircrew, the ground crew, the logistics organization, etc. was to take the radar navigator (bombardier) to the target, but he couldn't do his job without us!

Any successful person, any well-adjusted child, has a support system that is vital to their success. That support system may be hidden by quiet conversations and stealthy observations. Often, support must be flexible, knowing when to jump in or when to pull away. Being flexible is particularly important when you are a parent, adjusting to each child and circumstance.

Here are some samples (with those characteristics) of support:

Wings (vital) support an aircraft’s airframe in flight. The airframe cannot do its job otherwise.
A good foundation (hidden but so important) supports a building. The building above is what everyone notices.
Ropes (flexible) support a swing. The seat supports the person that swings, but not without the ropes, nor the tree limb.

Some successful people could have been more successful with a stronger support system. That is one of the hidden costs of dysfunctional families. Some parents support too much, not allowing their child to build a strong, resilient character. Other children fail even with a strong support system! I can’t explain why this happens, but there will always be a small percentage that defy logic and the odds. We can’t let those failures keep us from the continuing support of the majority.

Know how and when to give your support:

Help your children to know right from wrong. Don’t help them escape punishment from doing wrong.
Help them with their education. Don’t do their homework for them.
Help them learn financial responsibility. Don’t give them money just because they ask for it.
Help them to have strength of character. Don’t fight their battles for them.
Help them by having rules and structure. Don't think you're helping by being their friend.

In summary: Always quietly ask yourself when you are helping your children, "Will my help make them stronger or weaker?" The answer to that question will help you decide what to do.

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Daddy's Home!

5/17/2014

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You come home from a long trip or a tough day at work and this is what is waiting for you. Unfettered, unrehearsed, unlimited, unabashed, unmitigated, unbelievable, real yet unreal LOVE! Now that should help you forget the struggles you may face and/or realize why you are facing them.

Dads, unless you are a SAHD (stay at home dad - and your numbers are growing), you may not be feeding, changing, holding, caring, etc, your kids as much as mom, or in many instances, grandma, daycare, or the babysitter. That doesn't mean you aren't appreciated by the little ones!

All your kids want from you, really, is to be there for them!

Note: If you do not get this reaction, you might be doing something wrong.

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What Should a Family Look Like?

5/13/2014

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What Should a Family Look Like?

There are many definitions for ‘family’. Most of the top definitions always mention parents and children. Here are some I found in four separate dictionaries.

·       Parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not.

·       The children of one person or one couple collectively.

·       The spouse and children of one person

·       A group of persons, consisting of parents and their children.

What the definitions do not do are to describe the parents or the children. So we could ask, “What should a family look like?” A very controversial question, indeed. But if you think about it, a family should have certain characteristics.

·       Adults, preferably two, knowledgeable and skilled in how to raise children

·       Loving, but not necessarily perfect, relationships among and between parents and children

·       Open, honest, and constant communication

·       An emphasis on structure and education

If these characteristics are in place, then little else matters. The children could be adopted. The parents could be of the same sex. It could be a second marriage with children thrown together. There is no doubt in my mind that these characteristics would work for any style of family.

I have to admit, however, that if I were given the power to choose the make-up of a family, there would be a mother and father, married to each other, and all the children would be brought up by both of them from birth. While some of you are nodding your head, others are in passionate disagreement.

To those nodding your head, we have to admit that we can’t dictate how families form. An ideal is just that and what’s real is what we have to deal with. Fathers don’t always hang around. Women don’t always like the fathers. Some children lose both parents by death or abandonment. Would not two dads or two moms be better than one or none? Would not a child adopted into a good family have a much better life than living in an institution? What’s better for a child is always a goal. There is no doubt that some gay couples are much better parents than some traditional parents. Many mixed marriages can work better than the ones from which they came.

To those that disagree with my idea of an ideal family, don’t take offense. You see, I am only minimizing potential negatives and maximizing potential positives. Two parent households produce more successful children statistically and realistically. With both a mother and a father, we have a balance. A dad gives boys a male example to follow, and teaches girls how to be loved and treated by a man. A mom gives the feminine understanding girls need, and she teaches boys how to treat and be around women.

What does a family look like? It looks like the view through a kaleidoscope. Different pieces with their own shapes and colors, merging, clashing, blending, always turning, always changing.

So what should  a family look like? There is no one answer, but in my mind, a successful family is loving, teaching, understanding, and structured, no matter the make-up of the kaleidoscope.

"What do you think a family should look like? I would love to hear from you in the comments."

Here a trailer of the movie "Irreplaceable". Very interesting!

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'Being There' Can Be Like Making Butter

5/12/2014

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The most important thing a dad can do for his children is to 'be there', to give and show loving attention. The best advice I can give any dad, who wants to be a better dad, is to do just that! But it's not always easy. Sometimes you have to churn-churn-churn!

The greatest asset you have to get what you really want is your ability to churn, churn, churn! Churning is what you do to make butter from milk. It doesn't happen right away. One ‘churn’ will not make butter, nor will two. It requires you to churn, churn, churn and churn! If you really don’t like butter, you won’t put out the effort to get it. Or you will let someone else do the churning - that doesn't work with 'dadhood'!

Dadhood is a lot like making butter in that it takes a lot of effort to be the dad you need to be. Dads also need to “churn, churn, churn!" If you live separately from your children and/or don’t see them as often as you want or should, ask yourself why. If you do live with your children but rarely interact with them, something has to change. There are certainly many possible reasons these situations exist, but none can be used as excuses. Reasons help identify necessary actions to take, while excuses are a request for sympathy and dismissal.

Let’s take the excuses away and consider them reasons instead. With reasons, you have actions to take to counter them. These actions are not always easy to accomplish. You may have to work at it!

Reason, action:

If you are frustrated, you must be patient.
If you’re full of despair, you must have faith.
If you feel out of control, take a deep breath.
If your priorities are all wrong, re-prioritize.
If you are exhausted, rest and come back even stronger.
If the odds are against you, vow to beat them!
If your reality is bad, get a new reality.
If you are afraid of criticism, buck up!
Never surrender, never give up!
If you are not really interested in your kids, (if you don't like butter), you won't be churning. I’m without any words to help, except, get a new reality!

Be there for your children - always! If you take a vacation from that responsibility, there may be a price to pay, or a difficulty to overcome.

Turning a phrase from 'Star Wars', "May the butter be with you!"

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My Five Favorite Moms - Ever!

5/8/2014

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My Wife, Mother, Mother-in-Law, and daughters, April and Rachel from 2007.

This Blog is called “Helping Fathers to be Dads”. The reason I do this is my belief, backed by facts, that a present, loving father is critical to healthy, confident children. However, in no way do I place fathers over mothers. When there is only one parent in a family with children, it is overwhelmingly the mother that is there for her children. There is no doubt that mothers were the most influential people in my life.

My mother raised me without the help of my father. She sacrificed for me, loved me, held me, encouraged me, fought for me, and gave me all she had when she had little to give, then gave more to my five siblings. Her loving and kind nature was always a comfort to me. My Mom is truly a gift to her 6 children, 23+ grandchildren, 21+ great grandchildren, and 1 great-great grandchild! She is truly treasured by all!

My wife accepted me into her life when I had nothing, with little to offer for the future. She taught me simple etiquette, not to order Italian salad in a Chinese restaurant, and how not to dress. She stood by me when I was awkward and clumsy (still am), and helped me to grow as a person. I once held her by her ankle while she leaned out of the car to keep my muffler from dragging on the street (note: we were in her neighborhood). With all this, my wife, Kathy, still married me! She put her teaching career on hold to be the mother our three kids, giving them the benefit of every experience and lesson she could think of, while I was often away at one of my two jobs and not there to help. All three of our children grew to be wonderful, caring people. I could go on and on about what Kathy means to me, my career, and my life!

My mother-in-law was always wonderful to me. She treated me like her own son - even for the six years before I married her daughter. When I was 19, I borrowed her car and bumped into the back of a police car. She was calm and understanding. When I was very sick, she insisted I stay at her house and took care of me. When my car broke down and a gas station mechanic wouldn’t let me borrow a tool, she came to pick her daughter and me up and gave that mechanic a tongue lashing. Mind you, this was all when I was just dating her daughter. Her kindness, caring, and love continued on for the many years I was her son-in-law. We lost her 5 years ago and miss her very much.

Now my two daughters are mothers and my chest swells with pride when I see them with their children. They learned from their Mom. Both married men who could not possibly be better fathers. I know that my grandchildren are in great hands. Yes, I have been blessed my whole life surrounded by dedicated mothers who were, and are, also nurturing women and beautiful people. They made me who I am today. I cannot thank them enough!

HAPPY MOTHER’s DAY to all the beautiful ladies who take care us!

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A Mix That Clicks

5/5/2014

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When we find totally different things that, when brought together, work in harmony, it's....harmonious! Here are a few samples on which you can digest, like cookies and milk, or ponder, like beauty and the beast, but I saved best for last.

Baseball and hot dogs
Lily pads and croaking frogs

Flowers blooming in the month of May
The Golden Gate Bridge and San Francisco Bay

Disney and kids
Jars and lids

Parks and grass
Fishing and bass

Socks and shoes
Children and zoos

Peanut butter and jelly
Hip Hop and Nelly

Moonlight and love
Peace and a dove

Starlight in the midnight sky
Grandmas and homemade pie

Abbott and Costello
Whipped cream and Jell-O

Four Lads from Liverpool
James Dean and being cool

Spaghetti and meatballs
Moving day and U-Hauls

My grandson and trucks
Bathtubs and rubber ducks

Eggs and bacon
Fall leaves and rakin'

Eagles and flying
Sadness and crying

China and crystals
Holsters and pistols

Hammers and nails
Brides and their veils

Ribbons and girls
Women and pearls

Campfires and stories
Spring days and Morning Glories

Poetry and romances
First loves and prom dances

Bread and butter
Palmer and putter

Success and passion
Armani and fashion

These are things that go together
Like Lena Horne and “Stormy Weather”

But a mix that clicks better than any other
Are kids with a loving father and loving mother!

The stats when they don't (click, here)

PS. I'm thinking of "A Mix That Clicks" part 2, sometime in the future. Help me out and send me some mixes that click that I have not mentioned or thought of. If you find two that rhyme, even better! I'll add my favorites to Part 2!

Just write them in comments to this post or email me.
[email protected]

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What Street Do You Live On? Knowing Your Kids

5/1/2014

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Quote by twitter.com/adamweber from the book "Wisdom for Dad"

How well do you know your children? Communication will help! I’ll get back to them a little later.

The answer that resolves most questions has this common element called communication. While I basically consider myself an introvert, I’m pretty much a non-mystery to my friends and family. I have thoughts that I like to share. Sometimes I want to convince people, other times I want to see where I may be wrong, so I don’t continue to be a fool. The result is always enlightenment and better understanding because communication is a two-way street that actually takes you somewhere.

A form of communication that I’m not a big fan of are bumper stickers, or political yard signs supporting one candidate or cause over another. The reason I don’t like them is because there is no conversation on the matter, no back and forth on the positives and negatives of any topic. In other words, bumper stickers say, “I’m putting forth my views, but I don’t have to validate them or hear your side.” That’s why I consider bumper stickers, etc., as a one-way street called ‘Shouting Place’ that will only take you in one direction.

Those that are silent in discussion are giving up their voice and can be misunderstood. Children can also be misunderstood if not taught to communicate via speaking and listening. Speaking and listening are the east and west of a two way street, therefore, your household should not reside on “Shouting Place”. Instead, live openly on the “Avenue of Communication”!

So back to the kids! How well do you know them? Here are some sample questions for a 5 - 6 year old:

Do you know their favorite color?
What is the name of their best friend?
What makes them happy or sad?
Do they like school?
What animal would they choose to be, and why?
Do they know their address and your phone number?
When, what, where, how, who…..

If their teacher knows these answers better than you, you need to communicate with your children a little more.

Knowing your children is critical to helping them through troubles and life. Asking questions stimulates their brain even if they say “I don’t know”. It also lets them know you are interested in them which may be the most important reason of all!

What street do you live on? ‘Shouting Place’ or the ‘Avenue of Communication’?

The older your kids get, the questions may become more complicated or probing and you won’t always get an encouraging or open response. Back off when they appear annoyed or uncomfortable. Come back later when their vibe is a little more approachable. That’s when the “Avenue of Communication” will really work. Never stop the communication!

Have I told you anything you don’t already know? Most likely NOT! But what I needed as a dad was a reminder.

THIS IS YOUR REMINDER TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR CHILDREN!

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