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Super Dads - Super Ads!

1/29/2015

Friends and family. Great examples as Dads

The Super Bowl is finally upon on us. The two teams playing, the New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks most likely deserve to be there, that is if nothing comes out of the controversy--like air coming out of a football! This “deflate-gate” cheating controversy, whether true or not, can be a signal to kids that cheating is common to get ahead or, hopefully, a chance to explain to them why cheating is wrong. But back to the Super Bowl game itself. Although I’m mostly a baseball guy, I have to admit that the Super Bowl is the premier single-game sporting event in the US.

Beyond the game itself is the camaraderie, food, and yes—the commercials. The Super Bowl brings about a lot of the public’s attention, which advertisers jump on with both feet and millions of dollars! There have been some good ads over the years, my favorites usually being those heart-tugging ads featuring the Budweiser Clydesdales. But I think I will find a new favorite commercial this year.

Marketers are coming around to the notion that men are parents too! We fathers could use some good publicity because dads have been easy targets in commercials and TV sitcoms for years. Al Bundy, Don Draper, Peter Griffin in Family Guy, Homer Simpson, Ray Barrone did not do us well. A sleaze, a tease, a goofus, a doofus, and a self-absorbed dolt. They are all entertaining, but they leave an impression of incompetence and/or disrepute that many young people have burned in their heads. On the other hand, I was raised on the fathers in “Fathers Know Best”, “My Three Sons”, and “Leave It to Beaver”… all good models of fatherhood. So what if they were perfect beyond our means.

Nissan, Toyota, and Dove have all made ads this year showing dads in a positive light.

Toyota’s dad ad features football player dads and their kids talking about what it takes to be a good father in its "One Bold Choice" campaign for the new Camry. Kurt Warner, DeMarcus Ware, LaVar Arrington and Fred Jackson are featured fathers. I wonder how many other pro football players could have qualified to be in this commercial.

Nissan has a #withdad campaign. #Withdad is a celebration of, and inspiration for, dads who find innovative and exciting ways to make life better for their kids and families.

The Dove Men Care #RealStrength commercial is pure fatherhood! Just everyday ‘dad-child’ interactions that touch the heart, but are also routine.

And dads never stop being dads as told by Amy Purdy in another Toyota commercial. Amy lost both legs and kidneys to become a competitive snowboarder and, amazingly, a contestant on “Dancing With the Stars”. Her father’s uncompromising devotion to her saved her life!

What’s so great about these commercials is that young men see them, millions of them! Image is so important. And they see being a dad as a really cool thing—which it is! Unfortunately, the images many young men see is the misdirected machismo of young fatherless friends, or entertainers who are angry, have low morals, or will just do anything to make a buck.

Besides doing something nice for dads, advertisers also benefit from these dad-centric ads. One reason moms are portrayed on most commercials is because they control the spending on most everyday products. But the median income for U.S. households headed by single women is only $26,000, not much buying power at all. But the median income for married couples is $84,000, therefore a married woman has much more spending power!

Let’s keep families together because they want to stay together! They will want to work hard to stay together if they have their eyes open to all the responsibilities, difficulties, and especially the joys beforehand. For this to happen, we all have to help them--you, me, even advertisers!

In Toyota's "One Bold Choice" choice commercial, a young man is asked what kind of dad he wants to be. His answer, pointing to his father, "This kind!" That answer should be every dad's goal!

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The Magical World of 'Learning to Learn'!

1/27/2015

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Trains, planes, and dinosaurs--My grandson at the Science Center.

I had a wonderful grandfather experience last week! I took my two year old grandson to the St. Louis Science Center and it turned out to be a BIG hit for him! I later found out is was his first visit there, although his mom had been waiting to take him. It was a magical day of learning!

We spent over two hours...

pushing buttons
riding elevators
playing with blocks
using binary instructions to make trains go
watching mechanical gizmos
watching cars and trucks from the science center overpass
operating a miniature steam shovel
flying in simulators, and most of all--
avoiding the big dinosaur!

He wore me out, but the experience also wore him out. His mom said he was 'toast' later that night. His natural curiosity was 'drenched' with rich experiences that I hope will feed his curiosity even more. A few years earlier, my granddaughter and I spent a few babysitting days going to the Science Center. She is now six with a great interest in 'science stuff', not just because of our trips to the Science Center, but they didn't hurt!

All this inspired me to write about investing time to stimulate the imagination of preschool children. This above all is the best way to prepare your kids for school! What your children know is secondary to their curiosity. Learning to have a thirst for learning is priming the pump of knowledge.

I submitted the article to the National Fatherhood Intiative's The Father Factor Blog. It is entitled "Teach the Magic of Learning to your Preschool Children".

Please read and share this article with parents of preschool children!

Thanks!
Mike

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Real Success is Within Every Father’s Grasp

1/22/2015

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Photo: M. Smith

Former United States President Harry Truman’s father struggled his whole life to eke out a living as a farmer. Unfortunately, a drought hit and the farm had to be foreclosed on. Many years later, a reporter asked Harry why his father was a failure. Harry replied, “How can my father have been a failure when his son is President of the United States?” (All Pro Dad)

Success is like beauty, it is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes those eyes are your own and they are frequently the most critical. Most men do have a desire for success, but then how do they define it. Is it making a million dollars? Is it curing cancer? Or is it being able to pay all your bills? Maybe it’s just getting further in life than your parents or you thought you would.

A man who wants success cares about something. He has a goal—something to work towards. There is a purpose to getting up in the morning and a good reason to be tired at night. Having goals, however, creates an opportunity for both satisfaction and disappointment, the latter a reason some don’t set aggressive goals. Not having goals allows one to get a free pass from self-criticism regarding achievement.

If you reach the pinnacle of your dreams, what will you have? Will others be helped by your work? While looking for your personal success, you can miss real success--especially if you are looking in the wrong places. It may be that your greatest success, or potential for success, is right under your nose. There are many remarkably successful people throughout history, most of whom have never been documented by historians. But of those that have, I’ve always looked at Dr. Jonas Salk, who developed a vaccine for polio as the symbol of a man who profoundly left his mark on the world. Millions were saved from the crippling effects of polio thanks to Dr. Salk’s vaccine. His success was this miracle cure, which he refused to patent, allowing it to be used freely. Not once did he seek financial success from his discovery.

Where did Dr. Salk get his desire for service and his ability to contribute? Who gave him the encouragement, support, and resources to “pay it forward”? Dr. Salk’s parents were immigrants who did not have a high school education, but they sacrificed and insisted that their son have an education. How much credit do they get for ending the scourge of polio? Just imagine the pride they must have had for their son!

Now your success does not have to be as dramatic or wide reaching as Dr. Salk’s. But it can be as significant as the successes of Dr. Salk’s father--or Harry Truman’s father, men who raised their sons to be wonderful citizens. Real success is selfless. What you do to pass on or grant success to another is the best success there is. Every father can do this, and it has a multiplier effect! Every father has the potential to support and mentor every son and daughter in a way that gives them a strong start to their own successes.

Two Secrets Regarding Success and Failure

I can think of two ‘secrets’ regarding success/failure:

"Sunrise in Maui", M.Smith

Success often comes about by not knowing, in advance, how difficult achieving it is going to be.

Failure often comes about by assuming success will be more difficult than it really is.

Fathers can help their children by keeping the first secret to themselves, and giving away the second secret. Success as a father may not be the greatest success you’ll ever have. If this is so, maybe you didn’t have children.

Please consider my book for a new or struggling father. It will encourage him and get him to think. "The Power of Dadhood", coming out on April. 28, 2015.

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What Do Your Children See in You?

1/19/2015

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Photo: M. Smith, Haleakale Volcano on the Island of Maui, Hawaii

Someone once said it is none of your business what people think of you. I think that is probably great advice. Certainly someone with this philosophy will not likely suffer from anxiety. However, I believe there is one very important exception to this rule. It is vitally important what your children think of you!

In the real world, I would guess many men are more concerned with what peers, bosses, and maybe their wives think of them than what their children think. After all, you don’t have to impress your kids. Children will overlook your faults if you let them. And they are always around, so you can get to them later. There is some truth to this thinking, but with serious caveats.

You don’t have to impress your kids. They are pre-wired to be impressed by you. But you are also capable of becoming unimpressive. There a myriad of ways to do this. Not being there for them, not being reliable, not being sober, not looking past your nose to engage with them are just a few.
Children will overlook your faults. And they will if you let them. But continuing to make the same errors, like those mentioned above, and your faults will define you--causing your star to fall.
Your kids are always around. Yes, you may delay attention to your kids a day or two because you are overwhelmed with work, but ‘day to day’ will quickly become “month to month” and “year to year”. Suddenly, your kid is moving out and you only saw a couple of ballgames, you don’t know their friends, and you never went on that camping trip.

Very few fathers consciously decide to ignore their children. Not but a generation or two ago, in some parts of the US, it was common and accepted for men to be vaguely involved with raising their kids. But fortunately this is changing. It’s not the old culture that is the issue any longer, it’s the weakening of family values that is hurting fatherhood and vice versa. Many weak, ineffectual fathers had weak fathers themselves--if they had one around at all. If we fathers see only ourselves and not others, we will never learn to nurture, share, or love. When we don’t ‘see’ our children, we won’t be able to help them. If we're not involved, we won’t have any claim for their joys, nor will we be able to ease their sorrows. Lastly, without interaction, we won’t be able to receive or feel their love.

While some fathers may not be closely watching their kids, our kids are always watching us. They can tell if you’re interested or not. They know if you are honorable, consistent, or trustworthy. If your children don’t see you as having these qualities, if you are an embarrassment to them, then their world is turned upside down! Kids need a hero in their home, not on a big screen, video game, or comic book.

If you find some uncomfortable truths in this article about your Dadhood, what can you do to reverse the trend? Here are a few ideas, simple but so very effective!

Rediscover the joys and uniqueness of your children.
Dedicate time to them, as a group if you have more than one child, and to each--one at a time.
Be around for important events. By important, I mean important to them. That could be a tea party or a wrestling match.
Leave notes asking them how they are doing or telling them you love them.
Smile and wink at them.
Take them on an adventure.
Do a project together.

Change how you act and you’ll see changes in how you are treated and respected. It’s not difficult to make the change if you are aware of the need to do so and care enough to act.

“No man is a failure who has helped a child, especially his own. The greatest single gift a man can give his children is his attention. It seems so simple, but somehow it is lost in its simplicity. There is no excuse for not trying your best to be a good father. There are reasons, obstacles, and hardships, but no excuses.”

from the Introduction to, “The Power of Dadhood”

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Are You a Seat-of-the-Pants Dad?

1/15/2015

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Photo: M. Smith, Waimea Beach Park, Oahu, Hawaii

"Children seldom misquote. They always say word for word what you shouldn't have said."
Unknown

Are you a seat-of-the-pants dad? For the most part, I was. No planning, no philosophy, no hard and fast rules. Thankfully, my wife was much better at that! I think moms usually are. I got by as an okay parent because of the most important aspect of parenting, I loved my children mightily, and I was there for them when they really needed me. It's the same today, even though they are all grown. Fortunately, they don’t need very much from me, unless it’s to borrow my truck or watch a grandchild. That’s what my wife, Kathy, and I always strived for—self-supportive and independent adult children.

I’ve learned a few things since my early days of being a dad, having been an active parent of three, and now a proud grandparent of three, almost four! Also, as a reader and a writer on the subject of Dadhood, I have learned so much from others. One of the more important lessons I’ve learned, and like to emphasize, is to have a flexible plan, or a philosophy to be a proactive parent. By flexible, I mean you must being willing to change your philosophy when it's not working, or when a better one comes along. Then be as consistent as possible with the new plan.

We know parenting is important, but we don’t usually have a plan. We plan weddings, parties, vacations and funerals much better than we plan parenting. Too often, there are those that don’t even plan to have a child then--VOILA! They’re a parent! What now?

Obviously there is nothing, not one plan, that will keep you from parenting on the fly. You will make stuff up as you go. Having a plan in parenting is more like having goals for your kids. Goals like having educated, independent, and kind children. Success in these areas is much more likely for those children that have been energized, supported, given dreams, and are exposed to living a full life.

What our children start with--is given to them. What our children end up with--is their responsibility, but impacted heavily by us, their dads. Let’s give our kids a great start by being responsible parents (with their mothers) and see how well they do!

Here’s the advice I would give new parents.

Learn about being a parent. There are lots of books on parenting. I’ll be adding to that list this April. Not one of these books, nor anyone you may ask, will be the end-all-know-it-all of parental advice. Take in all advice and use what feels comfortable to you and your spouse.
Decide on a parenting philosophy. What have you learned? Will you be strict and consistent? Will there be standards to enforce? Will you be easy-going with few rules so they find their personality? Will you be directing activities or observing their interests. Will you keep them busy or allow time for imagination. Will one of you stay home or will work be a priority for both? There are a lot more questions and choices to consider.
Observe how your parenting philosophy is working. It may work for one child but not another. How do you handle that? If it’s not working at all, what next? If it seems to be working, great! But could it be better?
Adjust your parenting philosophy if necessary. Your observations may point out weak areas in your parenting skills (see “Preparing Your Children”). Be flexible!
Repeat! This means continued learning, continuing what works and deciding to change what doesn’t. Incorporating the changes then more observation on all.

And the cycle will continue.

What is a philosophy? It's a set of values. It is a way of life. Maybe your philosophy is exposure to as many places and things as possible! If you plant a seed of curiosity in the minds of your children and it takes hold, it will give them a yearning that will pull them forward. You plant this seed by stimulating their imagination and providing experiences to broaden their horizons.

We are born without fault or accomplishments, but we die with both. Nowhere is the opportunity for fault or accomplishment more apparent, and the results more influential, than parenting. Why not take the opportunity of being a father to do your greatest good? Make your number one accomplishment the independence, happiness, and personal success of your children. Be an example of enchantment, vision, and inspiration! Give them encouragement to move forward, compassion when needed, and celebration for their successes. Now that's a plan! It's not easy, and it may not even be in our wheelhouse, but it's a plan. What's your philosophy? What's your plan?

“A man is no better than what he leaves behind.”
Cecil B. DeMille-movie producer

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Preparing Your Children (and I Don’t Mean as an Appetizer!)

1/12/2015

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Chores teach work, accomplishment, and self-worth.

As a father, as a parent, one of your most important responsibilities is to prepare your children for life. There are both big picture and everyday aspects of this. The big picture involves having a philosophy about your parenting style and goals. The everyday lessons involve preparing them for the next stage in their life.

Naturally you will prepare them to walk and to talk, some parents being better than others, but it will happen. There are other needs, in every stage of their life, where you can help them to be better prepared. These, of course, change as they mature.

Without going into the myriad of ways to help your children, here are examples to make you think. Some may be obvious. Others are not so obvious but could be helpful.

Safety!

Beyond teaching that stoves are hot, outlets are not to be touched and strangers can be dangerous, there are other important things for which your children can be prepared. They need to not to be afraid of those who could help them--the police for instance. Yes, they are strangers too, and while a uniform can be fake, when your child is lost or needs help, I’d want them to trust an officer and not be afraid of them. (Never tell them that police will get them if they are bad!)

Take a toddler to a firehouse to see a fireman with all his gear on. God forbid it ever happens, but if your child must be rescued by a fireman, you don’t want him to hide because he is afraid of the monster with a mask, and an ax! If in danger, you want your child to see a fireman and run or call to him.

Dating

We all know that objecting to a boyfriend can make him more desirable to your daughter. Prepare her with standards that you both agree to before she has a boyfriend. Give your daughter some characteristics of a good guy up front. For instance, is he liked by her close friends? Does he have good manners? Does he do well in school? Is he an appropriate age? Is he respectful to her?

When you talk about these qualities up front, she will look for them. If, somehow, she does find a boyfriend that doesn’t meet those standards, you can point out the reasons why you don't think he is good for her. She may then realize you are just looking out for her, and she will be less apt to rebel.

Drug use

You must talk about illicit drugs way before they are possibly exposed to being around them. If they have curiosities, talk to them. If asked why people take them, explain the best way you know how. My approach would be to tell them that some people think they will feel better for a while, but then they feel much worse and out of control of their lives later--something like flying a jet that you don’t know how to land. That approach may not work for your kids, but you need to find one that does! The point to get across is how drugs can completely ruin their lives!

Use of Smartphones

In just a few short years, smart phones have taken over many of our lives. The iPhone came out in 2007. Since then, looking at clouds and stars, talking to family, proper English, even modesty, among many other time-tested and wonderful traditions have become old fashioned. Your children will want a smartphone! While there are reasons for them to have one, the shortcomings must be addressed. It’s an earned right, not a privilege. How they earn the right is up to you, but I would use ideas that counter the downsides.

Before you allow your younger children to have a smartphone, the rules must be clear.

Time and location limitations must be established.
Trust but verify! Check, on a no-notice basis, the apps, texts, photos, and the usage stats. Let them know you will be doing that.
Penalties for misuse must be agreed-to in advance and be as, or more, severe than the misuse.

Responsibility

Most kids don’t learn how to be responsible unless you give them a responsibility. Give them a task and see how they do. If they do well, give a little praise and add more responsibility until they fail. Then help your child to understand why they failed. It may be because you gave them too much responsibility too soon, or they reached their limit for their age. That’s okay. Admit it to them and adjust. If they failed a doable task, then you have something to work on. To ignore a failure is to accept failure.

Photo: M.Smith

Too Much Protecting is Not Preparing

Preparation includes dealing with daily life. But if you over-protect your kids, they will become helpless or lazy. Lessons learned first-hand are the lessons best remembered.

Children must learn to live with courage, resilience and determination as a part of their character, not with a parent covering their six. Prepare them by placing courage, resilience and determination in their character. For example;

A better approach to protecting your child from bullies is to prepare them with skills to deal with them.
Don’t accept excuses, push your children. But do listen to logical reasoning.
Don’t always keep them from being hurt. They need to learn how to cope.
Never decide the things for them that they can decide for themselves.
Give them room to error without endangering them.

I’ve seen kids at bus stops when it was below freezing wearing shorts and no coat. If this occurred with one of my children, I would decide to let it go the first and maybe the second time to let them experience the discomfort and come to their own conclusion. If they continued, I would then intervene in two ways.

I would then be a parent in charge and make them wear a coat for various reasons that should be obvious (write me if you don’t know the reasons).
I would have a conversation with them to get the background on their decision. Is it peer pressure? Is it laziness? Is there a storage issue at school (doubtful)? Is it showing off in some way? What is the rationale?

Preparing your children is maybe THE key aspect of parenting. How did your parents do preparing you? Can you see how important it is? I’ll conclude with the wisdom of the following classic poem.

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

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You Don’t Find Life Skills at Home Depot

1/8/2015

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Life skills are best taught by skilled parents

Being a nice person hopefully comes naturally, but being nice is more of a pleasant characteristic than a skill. Skills are usually taught by one person to another, and when it comes to life skills, the teacher is usually a parent. Of course not all teachers are good teachers nor are all students good students. Therefore, when a child is having behavioral problems, or difficulty coping with life, is it the fault of the teacher, the student, both, or something more complicated? Because life skills are so important to lead a successful life, I propose a couple of tools to help you investigate that.

1) A few months back I wrote a Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist for men to perform a self-evaluation of their fathering skills. While I think it is an excellent tool for any dad, the real grade you give yourself as a parent depends on how well your children do in life skills. But do you notice the life skills of your kids? What life skills are we talking about?

2) I found this Life Skills Report Card at Parenting 2.0. It’s an organized way to evaluate how well your children are doing, taking into account their age. Using this list is helpful in many ways.

It's availability encourages you to take action
It provides areas to look at that you may have otherwise overlooked.
It provides a scheme to measure life skills and progress over time.
It can be tailored any way you would like.

Evaluating Teacher (Dad) vs. Student (Child) Results

Sometimes it is helpful to match the weak and strong points of your children’s life skills to your self-evaluation on your 'Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist'. You may find some telling information, both good and bad. There is no doubt that your children's mother is equally responsible for life skills. So any issues need to be resolved together. Even though you may be disturbed by some of what you learn, it is very useful information, allowing positive actions!

How many parents have a way to match their parenting skills to the life skills of their children? This information may help you to realize there are some issues to address, but what caused them? And how do you fix them? This combination of your self-evaluation as a father (and as parents), and an evaluation of your child’s life skills gives parents a baseline from which to work. A tool which can help you zero-in on any serious issues that may exist.

“Now really”, you say, “I may like this idea but I know myself and I will never take the time to actually do this.” I can’t argue with that. If the issues you, and/or your children have are the run-of-the-mill issues all parents have, then you are likely not to bother (not that you shouldn’t). Everyday life does keep us busy. On the other hand serious, or potentially serious issues require you to look closely at every factor, using every available tool.

The 'Life Skills Report Card' has five major categories.

Personal Care
Organizational
Respect for self and others
Communication
Social

An Example

Let me give you an example of how using my 'Dad’s Checklist' and this 'Life Skills Report Card' may work to help you find a reason, if not a solution, to issues within the family.

Take the six sub-categories of the major category called “Respect for self and others” and evaluate one of your children. Let’s say it’s your oldest daughter and one issue of concern is that you graded her low in manners. With that information, go through your 'Dad’s Checklist' with her in mind. Then, answer the questions on your checklist under the sub-heading, “Is building the character of your children a conscious part of your parenting?”

After reviewing these questions and thinking deeply and honestly about the answers, you may come to some startling conclusions.

You may find that your daughter is really mimicking you! Unconsciously or not, your own behavior may not be a good example.
Or you may realize that you really never emphasized kindness, values, discipline, or manners when she was younger, that you really started much too late--letting her get away with bad behavior when she was younger and so adorable that it was difficult to discipline her.
Or, if you are really honest, you may find that you haven’t shown respect for her--and she is rebelling.

On the other hand, you may pass all the tests of a nurturing father (and her mom as a nurturing mother). If this is truly so, then you know to look elsewhere for the answers. Is it peer pressure, a terrible phase, a dark secret, mental illness, or does she just not understand or realize what is going on?

Coming at a problem from two directions will help you pinpoint a reason, if not an answer. Life skills are vitally important to succeed in life. You don't want you children to be mislead or left behind in this very competitive and judgmental world. Be aware and pro-active regarding any weaknesses in the character or life skills of your children.

Note: My Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist was developed from my book "The Power of Dadhood" which will be released on April 2015 but can be pre-ordered on Amazon. The checklist is also an appendix to the book.

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Super Dads - Super Ads!

The Magical World of 'Learning to Learn'!

Real Success is Within Every Father’s Grasp

What Do Your Children See in You?

Are You a Seat-of-the-Pants Dad?

Preparing Your Children (and I Don’t Mean as an Appetizer!)

You Don’t Find Life Skills at Home Depot

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