MichaelByronSmith: The Power of Dadhood
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​The Second Man (or Woman) In

3/22/2021

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PicturePhotographer unknown
A leader can't lead without the first follower.

We have heroes in this world, men and women, who have led causes and people. Lincoln, Gandhi. Martin Luther King and Susan B. Anthony, to name a few. There are, however, heroes we never see or hear about. They are those that fight city hall or the school board, confront bullies, lead men into battle, charge into the unknown, risk death or injury to save a life, or speak a dissenting opinion. These are true heroes that rarely get their due for the chances they take or the ridicule they may bring on to themselves. Sometimes, they may even be on the wrong side of what is right in the view of most. That doesn't take away from their courage. As the title suggests, I'd like to speak, not for these heroes, but for the second man (or woman) in a fight.

Popularly held opinions are difficult to oppose. It takes a strong will and resilience to take on the forces against a dissenter. However, no matter how strong the leader may be, they will get nowhere until a second man joins the fight. This second man may not be as daring or have the characteristics necessary to lead, but they are brave enough to be supportive. Without that second man, there will never be a third or fourth to join in. When a tipping point of support is reached, these opposing issues have to be acknowledged. For instance, one woman at the turn of the 20th century, wanting the right to vote would be ignored or shunned until a second joins in. They both may be disregarded, but a third woman (or man) may join upon seeing the bravery and verification of the first supporter.

A lieutenant in battle raises to lead a charge. His heroism is for naught if none under his command rises behind him. It takes but one soldier being unhesitant to make the charge go forward. A woman jumps into a frozen lake to save a drowning child, but she may also die without the help of others who can throw a lifeline to them. The fastest way to stop a bully is to have someone intercede on behalf of the one being bullied. But the bullying will continue unless someone else, hopefully, many, supports the hero's efforts.

My point is this. I see many crazy ideas coming forth these days, especially culturally. Not all new ideas are crazy, most being helpful. Without them, we will never move forward as a society. But some trends or thoughts (choose your own trend or idea you think insane, or at least not helpful) are antithetical to our beliefs. If you see no hero speaking up, then you may reevaluate yourself and remain in your silent corner considering you are alone. Then again, maybe you will be the hero! If, however, someone else does speak for you, they deserve your backing in whatever way you can; otherwise, their voice will be drowned.

There are many ways to protect yourself, your family, and your society. If you fail to take action, you cannot complain when the circumstances overtake you. A silent, inactive majority cannot win against a vocal and aggressive minority. History has shown this is true.

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The Surprising Thing About Being a Father

3/23/2020

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PictureWith my daughter Rachel 12 years ago.

Success is wonderful and so satisfying, and most of us all strive for it. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and success doesn’t always come easily. One of the toughest, yet least prepared for, responsibilities in the world is parenting. We all fail at times. But just remember that failure means you care; while giving up means you don’t care. Your natural abilities have nothing to do with either.

That’s the surprising thing about being a father. You may not know how to change a diaper or say the right things at the right time. You may not be naturally funny or know how to talk to a kid comfortably. Your walls may not be adorned with awards and degrees. Athletic activities may not come naturally to you, or you can’t string two words together that make sense. None of those talents will make you a good father. I don’t deny that any of them can and do help, but they are the adornments. Here’s what is real!
  • Imagine a barely literate father, holding his toddler on his lap reading, in a halted manner, a children’s book. That’s a real dad! That’s Dadhood at its best.
  • A father may never change a diaper or get his kids off to school in the morning. He may be an over-the-road truck driver or has long hours as a store owner or a doctor. Maybe he just can’t handle the duty. Sure, that may be a weakness, but it doesn’t define his parenting. His eyes and heart do that.
  • Words may escape a father, but the right look or a hug can say everything! That’s Dadhood!
  • Humor is an excellent quality in parenting, but humor doesn’t necessarily mean funny. As much as anything, humor is an attempt to relieve tension. Trying and failing to be funny can be humorous. Dad’s do that a lot. It makes them real!
  • A saw a dad playing catch with his son in a park. The dad was so awkward at throwing; you could see he never played a sport. I was so proud of this dad! He was trying!
  • Not every father can or will write a letter or even a decent, loving text to their son or daughter. Many fathers seldom do. But here are two words you can string together, “I care!” You can stretch yourself and string three words together, “I love you!” How about four, “How are you doing?”  Real dads do these things, and they don’t have to be Shakespeare.
The surprising thing about being a father is failure becomes irrelevant when he cares. His caring will make up for his shortcomings somehow. A father that gives up trying to be a real dad is a real failure, no matter how funny he is or how fast he can throw a ball or how smart he may be. Children may notice your talents, but they feel your caring nature. That realization and knowing it in your heart will grease the skids for a wonderful Dadhood! The #powerofdadhood is life-changing in the most literal sense!

Search #powerofdadhood on Twitter or Facebook for more.

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How to Improve the ‘Formula for Success’

3/16/2020

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PicturePhoto by author
​We all know our children have different personalities. We also know some children have advantages others do not have. I’ll generalize their advantages/disadvantages as their environment. Lastly, both of these factors, ‘personality’ and ‘environment’, drive a child’s expectations. Those factors even drive an adult’s expectations. As parents, we have the responsibility to make their child’s environment as helpful to them as possible and to be aware of the factors of their personality.  Here’s why. (Read the summary as a minimum!)

These are my thoughts on Success (S) and Personal Success (PS). I’m speaking from my background as an engineer, a former struggling child, and as a father of three awesome adults. So note, there is no Ph.D. to be found in my resume, just my observations as an interested party on the topic.
Success is an elusive thing to evaluate because it means different things with different criteria for everyone.
  • Environment (E) includes such things as family, friends, mentors, neighborhoods, schools, and accepted social standing. By ‘accepted social standing,’ I mean what an individual thinks there standing is despite what others may think it is.
  • Personality (P) includes, but not limited to, energy, desire, passion, intellect, goal seeking, attitude, ability to plan, introversion or extroversion, and perseverance.
  • Expectations (Ex) compare where you are aiming to where you end up
The relative influence of Environment vs. Personality differs for everyone, it is clear that when one factor is low, the other factor must be strong to achieve Success.

Note: Those who don’t like math can skip all the equations and read the words.

Success = Environment X Personality

Personal Success = (Environment X Personality)/Expectations, OR
PS = S/Ex
​
  • High expectations for your personal Success makes that Success more difficult to achieve. (e.g, a General, CEO, or a movie star)
  • Lower expectations for your personal Success makes that Success easier to achieve. (e.g., a Sergeant, middle manager, or supporting actor)

Three Examples of the Success Formula

Example 1: Low E, High P = High S, Average PS

A distracted single mother raises a young man with no fatherly influence. This young man’s environment rating would be low because of the family environment and a lack of mentoring. It could also be low value friends surround him.
On the other hand, this young man has a passion. He has the intellect and attitude to achieve his passion. His Personality rating would be high, and despite his low environment rating, his chance for Success is good!
His chances for personal Success (PS), in his judgment will depend on his meeting his top goal. He could be a success (S) as a Colonel but feel a lower personal success (PS) because his goal was General.

Example 2: High E, Low P = Low S, High PS

A young woman is brought up by loving and reasonable parents. She goes to good schools and has no social disadvantages. Her environment is high.

However, this young woman is self-centered and lazy. She doesn’t do her homework if she’s not interested in it and lives day-to-day.

Her chances for Success are not very high, but she could feel like she has personal Success as her expectations were low, never having a goal or desire to grow. She may be a sales associate when she could have been a manager or higher.

Example 3: High E, High P = High S, Average PS

I’ve only provided two examples of the multiple combinations of factors that result in a likelihood of Success (S) and personal Success (PS), but here is one more interesting example!

There is a wealthy and successful man whose name I don’t recall. He teaches entrepreneurial skills through his schools all across the world, helping thousands to become successful themselves. While his Success (S) is very high, he has a lower opinion of his Personal Success (PS), the reason being his extremely high expectations for himself. And why are his expectations so high? What is his standard? His roommate in college was Elon Musk. He compares himself to his roommate and not to someone like me.

Some successful people feel like failures because someone they respect has had more Success, or a loved one has demanded more Success from them. Neither instance should steal personal Success from them.

Summary

Success is really in the eye of the beholder. When that eye looks in the mirror, maybe Personal Success is more important, regardless of potential. We have choices and opportunities. Successful individuals make smart choices and are aware of the opportunities afforded them. If you are making a positive difference in the world, you are successful. If you enjoy that Success, then you are personally successful.

How to help:
  • Environment: parents have the responsibility to make their child’s environment as helpful to them as possible. Education, health, safety, encouragement, etc.
  • Personality: be aware of your child’s strengths and weaknesses. Encourage strength, give help with any weaknesses, and get them professional advice when necessary.
  • Expectations: This is a tricky one. A parent wants to encourage them to do their best. But don’t put pressure on them to overachieve because it will backfire. Everyone can be the best meeting their capabilities, but not everyone can be a rocket scientist, brain surgeon, or best-selling author.

​Note: PS = S/Ex (no, I did not intend to have Sex in this article, but if it drives you to read it, okay!)

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After 70 Years, This is My Most Important Thing!

2/10/2020

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PicturePhoto: Michael B. Smith

“Conquer the angry one by not getting angry; conquer the wicked by goodness; conquer the stingy by generosity, and the liar by speaking the truth.”  Buddha 

As I am about to turn 70 years old, I’d like to give my thoughts on what is important in life. As the author of a blog entitled “Helping Fathers to be Dads”, you may think I’m going to say ‘family’. Well, I could certainly go with that, but there is something higher that includes family. That something is balance!

Some think of balance as a static thing, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. You can be a potato chip eating, beer chuggin’ mass of humanity in an easy-chair and you will be in some balance. But not really. A healthy balance has a spectrum that changes continuously. Now there is an essential aspect of static balance as you swing from one thing to the next. That could be rest, reflection, or observation, but you won’t have much of a life spending too much time there.

I’ll start with ‘family’. I love my family more than anything! I spend my happiest times with my family and some of my toughest because our emotions are so closely tied to what is going on in their lives. Balance requires you to get away from your family on occasion. A lonely hike in the woods or reading a book in a café is a perfect balance to vacationing with family. On the other hand, I’ll spend two or three days alone at my farmhouse and be full of anxiety to see my wife, kids and grandkids. Balance!

Living in the Midwest, we aren’t known for beautiful weather days on end, but I find we appreciate 75 degrees and blue skies more than most living in San Diego. It’s ’balance’ that does that for us. Winter makes Spring glorious! Summer makes Autumn so refreshing. I love sunshine! But if I get two weeks of sunshine, a rain shower is most welcomed. Three days of clouds and I’m screaming for the sun. Not everyone will agree with me on this. That’s because everyone’s balance is different – but balance is essential for everyone.

Habits are the enemy of balance keeping us from new places and experiences. I have known people who are such exercise freaks; they go crazy if a commitment may interfere with their weightlifting or Zumba routine. Smoking, excessive drinking, video game addiction, or any addiction will throw you in a state of imbalance. Drugs are an extreme example of a habit that throws any balance in life out the window.

Nature is an expert in balance, always managing to find its way back towards stability. Often this balancing act is difficult to recognize because nature’s clock has a much slower tick than we humans do. Droughts, floods, and earthquakes are all transitions back to balance. There is no doubt that nature is always seeking balance - and without regard to the human race.

Balance in Dadhood

I wrote an article for the ‘National Fatherhood Initiative’ in December 2013 called “The Seven BEs of a Successful Dad”. One of the ‘BE’s was BALANCE, suggesting the other six “BE’s must have balance with each other and within each to be effective. I invite you to read or reread this article if you are a dad or a mom!

‘Be involved but not too involved. Be principled, but don’t be preachy. Be consistent but not inflexible. Be loving, but don’t be a pushover. Be fun but be respected. Know your own limits. You cannot be consistent if you don’t have principles. You can’t be loving or fun if you are not involved.’
 
What will take you out of balance?

I’ve noticed some things which I have allowed to get me out of balance. Those include:
  • Being misunderstood or not understanding others
  • Not getting time to myself when I need it or being alone too long
  • Placing too much attention on others or placing too much time on myself
  • Too much work or too much play
  • Being rushed or having to wait
  • Needing control or being controlled
  • Challenging myself too much or feeling like I’m wasting opportunities
  • Lastly, being around other people who are, themselves, out of balance

What I notice is all of those things are in my control, the extremes and everything in the middle. Sure, others contribute, but I am are the only one that can fix me (perhaps with a little therapy).

Summary

In my mind, balance in life is moving away from something towards its opposite when that something no longer feels right or is no longer satisfying. Some things you can control and somethings
 you can’t control. Accept them.
​
And remember the Serenity Prayer!

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​Put Your Oxygen Masks on before Your Child’s - An Analogy

1/20/2020

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PictureThinking ahead!
I’ve made it my mission since retirement to ‘help fathers to be dads’. I did this knowing what a difference it makes when a father is totally engaged with his family and children. When I say ‘totally engaged’, I mean through a dad’s ‘best effort’ because each father has his own circumstances with which to deal. Personalities, occupations, emotions, health, marital harmony, divorce, the children, are all factors in your ability to engage and influence as a parent. For example, a soldier or over-the-road truck driver may not be able to participate in family matters in the same way as a father with a 9-5 job. Nor could a divorced dad be as engaged as a happily married father. No surprises thus far.

Now comes another dilemma to consider. Given your ability to ‘be there’, to be engaged, how much ‘me’ time, or ‘guy’ time do you allow for yourself? Let’s face it – fathers and mothers are people too. Neither a dad nor a mom can be a great parent if they are tired, overburdened, or miserable. All parents should carve out time for themselves to relax and do the things that make them happy and relaxed.
 
You're only human, and that's not bad!

Go bowling once a week if you enjoy it, do woodworking in the garage, meet your buddies for coffee or a beer occasionally. When you take care of yourself, you will be better able to take care of your family. But this comes with a caution! You must have the proper priorities and not be selfish!  Your family comes first in any situation in which there is any doubt. Bowling should strike out on the night of a recital. You can carve out time from woodworking if your child is upset about something. Time with buddies is never appropriate when your wife needs help.

What kid wants his dad around all the time, especially if he is grumpy? Children want a dad that is happy to be with them, showing interest in their activities and doing things together. The amount of time you spend with your kids is not always in your control. However, the quality of your dedicated time together is always something you can control and much more important. Quality time is being focused on your kids, having positive reactions, and showing that you care. That’s not too difficult to do when you are aware and relaxed.

Let’s say you haven’t had time for yourself to gather your thoughts and emotions. You may have a big project at work, and you haven’t been exercising or eating right. You’re coaching your son’s team and helping your daughter with homework every night because she has trouble with math. Tensions will build without relief. You're a good dad, doing the right things, but you might be on the edge of losing your temper - and it will likely be over nothing serious. Call an audible and get a time out for yourself. You need to help yourself before you can continue helping your kids.

Summary

Balance is such an essential aspect of being a parent! Time and respect for yourself are as important as it is for your family - if you understand your priorities! Putting your oxygen mask on first is critical because you can’t help your child if incapacitated from a lack of oxygen. This fact also applies to daily life! You can’t help anyone if you are helpless yourself, whether it is due to exhaustion, confusion, or a lost sense of self. Balance baby, balance!

Picture
Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental : )
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Reading to Your Children is Next to Feeding Them

11/18/2019

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PictureCopyright: Michael Byron Smith
​Have you ever found a baby or toddler that isn’t fascinated when you read to them? As for myself, I have not. They love everything about it. The attention, the pictures, your voice, the magic and wonder of words on a page having meaning, the characters and stories themselves are all quite spellbinding and together become a symphony of learning.

I’m not going to quote research here. Let’s go with common sense and experience. Reading, as they say, is fundamental to learning and communication. The earlier you introduce books to the developing mind of a child, the quicker and easier the synapses of the brain connect, promoting understanding, and a desire for more stimulation.

Due to unfortunate circumstances, neither my siblings nor I were read to - neither did we have much access to books. As a result, I had no interest in reading anything outside of school until I was in my thirties. I found my curiosity lacked stimulation because of this. Of my five siblings, there is not one that is much of a reader. It affected not just our informal education, but our formal schooling. All of my siblings quit school before getting a high school degree, although a couple went back to school later in life. It had much to do with not having an interest in reading, making school subsequently less appealing, and more challenging to succeed.

So I advise with enthusiasm to start early, read often! Reading to babies helps build bonds with books, wonder, and the reader. Vocabularies improve, and a habit of learning sinks in as a consequence. When reading a story becomes part of the bedtime routine, your child will ensure this happens every night. Spend time on photos and illustrations, connecting the words to the visual story. Ask them questions to make them think and to have them be involved in the story.

My heart swells when I see my 4 or 6-year-old grandchild sitting with a book alone. I find the four-year-old reading her books from memory, and with expression, which reminds me to read with expression myself. My eleven-year-old granddaughter was bitten early with the reading bug with the help of her parents. She has read every Harry Potter book, some twice, and many, many others. She is in the 5th grade but already understands at a first-year university level. Her world is so much bigger than the world I knew as an eleven-year-old. All my grandchildren’s curiosities are through the roof!

I wonder what more I could have accomplished with a reading background from my childhood? It took me quite a while to catch up with my peers in aspects beyond education. I read much more as an older adult, but my wife will read 4-5 books to each one of mine. I’m still a slow reader, but I found how much I can grow and have grown from reading and enjoy every moment of it.
​
Do it! Starting now if you haven’t already. Read to your kids and let them read to you! It is truly a great way to connect and such an easy and essential gift to give, and it includes the whole world!

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​A Manifesto on Citizenship for Our Youth

9/9/2019

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Picture
In a way, being born in the US is dangerous to your psyche. No, I’m not talking about the seven counties in the US where 90% of murders take place. (Studies show how murders in the United States are heavily concentrated in very small areas. Few appreciate how much of the US has no murders each year.  Murder isn’t a nationwide problem.  It’s a problem in a very small set of urban areas, and any solution must reduce those murders. Most of us are safe!) Nor am I talking about the San Andres Fault in the West, Tornado Alley of the Mid-West, or the Hurricanes on the East Coast. No, I’m talking about the virtual smugness of those citizens who do not know they are among the .0000001 percent (chose your number of leading zeroes) of the most fortunate of ALL the lives of previous generations in history - to now be living in today’s World and especially in the United States of America.

The danger lies in an inherited lack of appreciation (sometimes taught) of the good the United States and the World have painstakingly brought to all of us. It seems many, especially our youth, focus on our evils, past and present – and indeed they exist. We should never stop trying to make both our World and the US better - there is much work to do! But we need discovery and understanding of the past, and more balance in our views, before sounding off uninformed or too critical of the opinions of others.

In the Shoes of Others


It’s not just complacency that takes place in many of us; it extends into a lack of appreciation for the battles, verbal and physical, that influential citizens of the past have taken on at great expense to get to our standard of living today.  A great number of young people believe that America is evil because we once had slavery. Yes, slavery is awful and good citizens fought to rid us of that terrible injustice with great sacrifice. Some say we are a terrible country for not allowing women to vote until a few decades ago. True! Good citizens marched and got that changed. Or maybe we are an evil country for getting involved in the affairs of other countries - even when invited. Many mistakes occurred in this area, yet what would the world be like if China or Russia were the most powerful nation in the world? I believe that when the US made mistakes or had bad policies as a country, they were just that, not a means to take over the world. Where, after all, have we stayed to rule? Not Germany, Japan, Viet Nam, Iraq, etc.
​
My point is the self-righteousness of those who forget what our ancestors have overcome. It’s straightforward, today, to say women should have the right to vote. It was not so easy at the turn of the century for reasons of historical factors and the traditions of the day. To end slavery, hundreds of thousands had to die, mostly those not under bondage of slavery. Think twice if you think we, in this softer generation, could have done better or got it done faster.

Think Before You Drink the Kool-Aid
 
 
I may be confusing you. On the one hand, I’m saying we don’t appreciate what the citizens of the past have done to overcome certain inequities. That’s true! On the other hand, I’m implying that our citizens of today should hesitate before fighting real and perceived injustices. Of course we should fight, as others before us have! But understand first the 'what and why'. What are the injustices? Some are well worth the fight; others we perceive in the light of rabble-rousing or are very low in comparative importance. I can only have my own opinion, and you should have yours – not someone else’s. If you are right-leaning or left-leaning, you will find many on the opposite end of your ideals. Most of the time their views are honestly held.

Here’s the thing! Study before you come to an opinion. Think before you act. Give before you take. Understand before you criticize. Don’t assume. Think about your opposition’s reasoning. Yes you can disagree, but maybe you will have a modicum of understanding for what brought them to their position. Here’s an extreme, perhaps an unpopular, example.

An Islamic terrorist does not see him or herself as a terrorist. In their minds, they are a champion for Allah. And that ‘fable’ (my strong opinion) of 72 virgins at your service upon self-sacrifice is exciting at the least.  This conviction is what these people are taught and believe from birth by people they love and trust. We are fighting their beliefs, not so much them.

Another consideration is personality attributes of which there are many. Some of us are agreeable, and some are not. Some of us are conscientious while others are more creative. Some believe in self-responsibility because that’s in their social DNA. They don’t understand people who seemingly don’t care for themselves. Others want to help everyone, even those who won’t help themselves. So, if one person believes in giving to the homeless, and others don’t, it’s not a matter of being right or wrong, it’s often a matter of your personality and background. It takes much convincing to change your beliefs on victimhood, the evils of society, or conservative/progressive thought in general.

Young adults put too much faith in listening to those around them before they think for themselves. Places this happens are the home, churches, mosques, temples, military, schools, and universities. Even those in gangs allow the gang to think for them. How many of these places teach you to think for yourself? Not many. It takes time and experience to shake the beliefs of others that aren’t indeed your own. Again, the intentions of these groups are usually excellent and not intentionally bad, but it is worthwhile to look with a critical eye and ask many questions with an open and judging mind.

We are always correct in our minds. We can’t always trust our thoughts or judgments. For instance, there is a major political issue about which I have changed my opinion. My old opinion made so much sense until I talked to a friend with a different view. His explanation made more sense to me than the reactive idea I had before. I’ve had other discussions where my mind was not changed. These discussions are valuable because many factors are considered, leading one to more or less faith in their stance. That is important!

Principles


As previously mentioned, don’t take until you’ve provided. When you are very young, most of your thoughts, lifestyle, and beliefs and been provided to you. To spout those things forward is not credible until you have thought for yourself, supported your own lifestyle, and have your rationalized reasoning for your beliefs. Learn by doing, volunteering, giving back, reading history, understanding people and personality. Spend a year working before going to college. Live by your self-provided means. Support your country through community volunteering or the military. If you go to college, go to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer, architect, scientist, teacher, etc. These are things that require further education. You can learn most other topics, not all of course, on your own – and save tons of money! If you go college to be an artist, dancer, social worker, activist, or actor, then consider these to be gifts to society. We need these people and should support them and enjoy them. It’s usually not, however, a way to earn a comfortable living. Know that! Make your choices with targets for which you are aiming your life.

Summary

Study before you come to an opinion. Think before you act. Understand before you criticize. Don’t assume. As an adult, don’t ‘take’ until you’ve ‘provided’. If you still ‘take’ and you are 26 years of age, you are still a child. It’s not all about YOU. When you understand that, YOU will like yourself more, as will others. These are ideals I hope my children learned from me. I already know one or two have a few differing opinions than me and that is a good sign.

If you agree with these words, do so because you came to your thought-out conclusion. If you don’t, here’s your chance to give these words consideration, at the least - or argue your point.
​
PS. Next week I will put forth some substantial proof of how much better off we are than our ancestors, even our parents.

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​Why Fathers Need a Sense of Humor

9/2/2019

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PictureA Lake Michigan Sunset
Fathers are parents too. They are just as important as mothers to the welfare of their children. However, being respected as a parent can be more difficult for fathers. There are factors such as unfair assumptions, time available, lack of mentoring, lack of opportunity, and personality that have caused some of these difficulties. Whereas the previous sentence can apply to women in the workforce, it is true for men in the family.

Married men and/or fathers take a beating in many circles. Not that men don’t deserve some of it, but I will explain. Before I begin, this is not going to be an anti-woman stance. I don’t push feminist doctrine, but I am very pro-woman. Most of the important people in my life are females. They raised me, they comforted me, and have given me great joy. In short, I very much respect women. On the other hand, when I have had trouble, most of it came from, or because of, men. That’s just me, not everyone. However, men often get what we used to say when I was a kid, “the short end of the stick” when family issues are discussed. Oftentimes, men are ridiculed in ways women would never be. Yes, there are blond jokes. But we don’t really assume someone is dumb just because they are blond - not anyone with a lick of sense, and they are rarely our moms.

TV Shows

In family oriented TV shows, for instance, men are shown to be idiots, buffoons, lazy, and/or self-centered. ‘Everyone Loves Raymond” is a classic example, as is “Homer Simpson”, “Two and a Half Men”, “Bob’s Burgers”, and “Married…with Children”. I enjoyed all these programs and wonder if they would have been successful if it had been focused on the shortcomings or buffoonery of women. The one TV program that came close to this was from the 1950’s, “I Love Lucy”. Lucy, however, was much more loveable than Raymond or Al Bundy, in my opinion.

Commercials

In commercials, it’s men who are always being rescued by their wives, daughters, or moms. In “The Boy Crisis”, author Warren Farrell states, “…virtually 100 percent of TV ads that portray only one sex as a jerk portray the man as the jerk.” A 2016 Super Bowl commercial shows a dad distracted with his Doritos while a female doctor and mom look at the ultrasound of their child as they wonder how they put up with his behavior. Any commercial that would belittle the skills or knowledge of a woman like this would never make it on TV. I understand this. Women are the main consumers of TV products so it works to downplay the attributes of men.

Does it bother me that men are often belittled on TV programs and commercials? No. I can take it and smile. Few men complain about how they are portrayed. But it doesn’t help young men who watch these commercials and assume their dads are like this. What does bother me is the wrath that would exist if it were the other way around. I’m very happy it isn’t the other way around, i.e. men being the smart ones, men showing women which water filter is best. It would make me cringe a bit. Men and women, as groups have their strengths and weaknesses. We should recognize that but not be married to the notion either of us are helpless. All of us can find instances, no matter our sex, when we are in need of help.

Family Heroes

When discussing their lives in speeches, most speakers credit their mothers as the backbone of their family. It was factually true in my upbringing that my mother was our backbone, as is true in many other families. However, the truth of the matter is most families had a backbone of a mother and father molded together to perform what each does well. But it’s the mother who is most commonly considered the backbone. I have no issue with this trend. But I can’t imagine it would be socially acceptable to say men were the backbone of most two-parent families. When in doubt, go with the mom.

The Courts

Men, as fathers, take a beating in the courts as is sometimes appropriate. In circumstances that are not so obvious, it is the mother who is most often awarded custody of the children even when the father wants custody himself. Whereas Moms have a right to their children, Dads have to fight for their children. In 2013, just one of every six custodial parents (17.5 percent) were fathers according to US Census Bureau. We can factor in the remarkable parenting skills of most mothers and that is still a lopsided statistic. Everyone has heard the term “Deadbeat Dad”, but you never hear the term “Deadbeat Mom”. The area of child custody is one area where a sense of humor doesn’t help. The good news is more fathers are getting custody and visitation rights than in the past.


Summary
​
Fewer people today want to admit that men and women are different, even to the point of confusion. (Some push the narrative that there are 70+ genders.) Strengths are not usually owned by one sex or the other, but they can be predominant in one or the other and this fact has repercussions and advantages. The honor, ability and burden to bear children has naturally been a factor in women’s social standing.  The truth is that men have had the advantage in the boardroom, and women have had the advantage in the courts, both in law and public opinion through the media. In both of those situations, the trends are reversing. More women in the boardroom means more men at home. This works well when both are where they most want to be. Changing social standards will allow them to be where they feel is best for their family and to feel good about it. Life is not fair; it doesn’t have a conscience. Women have disadvantages and have been mistreated, but men also experience these things. We rarely talk about the issues men face.

Yes, fathers need a sense of humor, and not just with their kids. #powerofdadhood

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​Do Whatever You Want! Success Demands It!

8/19/2019

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PictureThe author's 4 yr old granddaughter
(This is the type of conversation a parent should have with their child when they deem it appropriate) 

Do whatever you want! Sounds nice, and it is! But doing what you wish to requires responsibility and boundaries. I’ll get to the limitations later, but first, doing what you want is very important to your success!

Some artists and authors couldn’t manage a grocery store, and grocery store managers often can’t draw a decent circle or write an original sentence. If one were born into a family that managed grocery stores but had an artistic flair and desire to be creative, they could be coaxed or fooled into thinking they must do what their parents do. They also may have been convinced that art is a waste of time, especially financially. Hearing this over and over, and not being understood by others, could give one serious doubts.

I know a man who became a priest at the urging of his parents. His parents were very proud of him! He, too, believed he wanted to be a priest – until he went to the seminary and found his enthusiasm lacking compare to the other students. Maybe he wanted something else in life but never gave himself the freedom to explore those thoughts. When he finally did, he was wearing a clerical collar and knew it would devastate his parents if he were to give it up.

My three adult children all earned a college degree. My two daughters wanted an advanced education, and they went at it enthusiastically. My son, however, is a hands-on kind of guy. Formal education was a challenge to him, not because he wasn’t smart; he is very much so. He went to college because we expected of him. At first, he went to engineering school because I did. But that wasn’t him. Then he joined Air Force ROTC because I did. But that wasn’t him. I never once suggested either of those avenues. He had no plan of his own because college wasn’t his thing. My wife and I fought him for two years to keep it up, to graduate. As parents, we thought it best, but after two years of pushing, we decided we had to stop.

“Okay, do what you want, Mike. Quit if that’s what you need to do”, we told him. No more would we pressure him to stay. As a result, he remained in school and got his Bachelor’s Degree. He complained no more because it was his decision! Now, in two years, he will retire from the Army as a helicopter pilot and highly ranked Warrant Officer. He became successful because he did what HE wanted to do.

The Limitations

Of course, you can’t do whatever you want. There are laws, ethics, common sense, and others to consider. You should never cheat, steal, or lie to get what you want. That’s obvious. Be careful of following the crowd, fads, peer pressure, and being too accepting of other’s views. Remember that you must sometimes forfeit what you want for the better of loved ones. As an example, don’t be out with your buddies if your child has a concert or a play. Always consider others when making decisions for yourself, but don’t be a slave to those considerations. It is mostly just common sense, but we don’t always use it, and some don’t have any. You owe it to loved ones to communicate with them your hopes and dreams. They will most likely help you!

Success/Happiness

Financial success may come even in a circumstance where you aren’t happy. However, it’s not very likely you will enjoy it. Happiness will never happen just because you’re successful, or just because you made someone else happy while going against your desires. You can be successful in a dishonest way, but that will not make you happy unless you’re a sociopath. You have to be your persona within the limitations by which we all live. In short, happiness is success! Making a positive difference is success! The best there is! So do whatever you want – but remember the social limitations. Recognizing those limitations may help you to reach your happiness!

​#powerofdadhood



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Learning to be Grateful

5/20/2019

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Picture
I don’t think most of us realize just how fortunate we are. Certainly, this is true in the big picture. Realizing our fortunes would cause us to be more grateful, and I find that grateful people are happy people. However, to become more grateful takes a bit of reflection and less self-absorption. After all, we quickly adjust to our conveniences.

Is there anyone reading this that hasn’t slept in a warm bed, been awaken by the alarm on your smart-phone - which has almost any fact, type of entertainment, or directions to anywhere? You have refrigerated food that can be cooked or warmed in no time in your microwave. You may head off to work in your car or find public transportation available. Surprisingly, everything works. Highways, utilities, law enforcement, you name it, have occasional issues but overwhelmingly are dependable.
We live longer and healthier than at any time in history. My infant sister died of an esophageal issue in 1953, but my neighbor’s son thrives today, having had the same issue as a baby in 1980. Various diseases have vaccines. Infant and toddler deaths used to be common, now they are a tragic but comparative rarity, especially in the US. We have more free time and unlimited choices in food and entertainment. Crime has decreased dramatically - although we don’t realize it because we hear about everything bad that happens instantly. According to the document, named "The State of Food Insecurity in the World 2015" (SOFI), in developing regions, the proportion of undernourished people has almost halved since 1990, decreasing from 23.3% of the population to 12.9%.

All these good trends do not mean there is no sadness in the world. The pain of a loved one being hurt or dying will never cease. Misfortune still happens, and life is not fair. But that is not the point here. Outside of individual circumstances, our collective lives are blessed with advantages never known for thousands of years and up to less than 200 years ago, and in some examples, less than 20 years ago.

So What is the Point?

As I mentioned earlier, we adjust to our conveniences and become ungrateful. Caves were once valued and battled over as the height of shelter. Wouldn’t the cavemen have loved a canvas tent or a log home? Few of us would want to live in a tent these days. These seem to be extreme examples only because of our current standards. But there’s something to be gained by recalling the past and our current fortunes because doing so will ease some of the sorrows or injustices we may feel today putting them in a new perspective. As an example, a young girl living in rural China in 1900 would not spend one moment of sadness for anyone not making the Cheerleading Squad at school. Understanding our times are different, it’s okay to be down for a day if that was you, but move on quickly! Your son may have diabetes, but it can be controlled, giving him a full life, whereas he could have died young in the past.

My family was poor to the point of homelessness at times, but I never recall being hungry, and my education was free, allowing me to move out of that situation. One of my sisters had a baby at seventeen years old and was divorced soon after. She struggled for a while but earned a college degree in her forties because she lived in a society that had a path out if taken, unlike being trapped in a specific class like most societies in the old world and even some countries today.

Summary

Yes, every generation has the story they tell their children of how they walked three miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways. We all had it worse than the generation that followed us. And just like we did, our children laugh at our self-pity. But there is value in children learning and knowing History. That value is gratefulness! Let them read “A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich” by Solzhenitsyn. The story is from not so long ago, and it puts some perspective on how some people have been forced to live their lives. Many other novels or history books will tell these true stories. They will be much more useful and effective than our sad stories of how tough life was before smart-phones and Netflix!

Teach your children to:

Welcome challenges, for they make you grow! Know history, for it gives you perspective. Be grateful, for it removes boorishness!

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