Helping Fathers Become Dads - MichaelByronSmith: The Power of Dadhood

What is Easy but Difficult and Does So Much Good?

5/6/2019

I admit that I need to practice what I am about to write as much as anyone and more than others. But I think everyone has had difficulties in this area at one time or another. It is this. One of the most challenging things for any of us to do is to say, "I'm sorry", and to say it honestly. The reasons this is difficult are many!

Maybe you don't think you were, or are, wrong
Perhaps you are angry enough not to care
It could be you are embarrassed
You don't want to open old wounds or possible ignite a renewed argument
It's possible you just don't know how to say the words

Yes, the excuses are numerous. What we don't do is consider the positive aspects of saying, "I'm sorry", and there are many.

Often, a weight is lifted allowing you to move on
Your admission is a real sign of maturity
It takes away someone's anger towards you
It will enable openings for those you say sorry to you, returning the courtesy by your example
Even if you don't think you were wrong, saying sorry says you don't think a particular issue is worth having hard feelings.

Perhaps one of the reasons adults have a problem with saying they are sorry is because they never learned how or why to do so as children. Sure, when a child does something inappropriate to another, parents will tell them to "say you’re sorry", and they will most of the time. Young children just want to get out of trouble; they aren’t concerned about a weight being lifted and are not apt to act maturely. As adults, we need to forget our childish ways and weigh the situation, apologizing if appropriate. But that doesn’t mean we should always apologize, because there are good reasons not to do so. For instance,

An apology is not in order when no wrong has taken place, even if someone else thinks so
A weak apology is like no apology
An insincere apology for deception is unethical and harmful

In a sappy movie from my youth, there was a line, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I never knew what that was supposed to mean. To me, love means saying you’re sorry, especially when you love someone you may have hurt. Having said all this, I know I may pass up opportunities to say I’m sorry when I should. I’ve been there, and so have you. It is difficult sometimes. Maybe, however, having thought about it and writing it down, there is a better chance I will do the right thing in the future. I hope so! I know one thing, I’m not sorry for writing this.

An Open Letter to Every Child Who Worries Too Much

4/29/2019

Worry: To torment oneself

Last week, at a St. Louis Cardinal Baseball game, I was walking in the corridors between innings with my ten-year-old granddaughter. She noticed there was a medical cart with a stretcher on it and asked me why it was there. I told her that sometimes people fall or experience heat exhaustion, etc. and need medical attention. With 47,000 people in the ballpark, it would be likely that someone may need medical help. Immediately she asked if I thought anyone would get heat exhaustion today (it was 76 degrees), and where would they take them? “How often do people fall”? “What happens when people get heat exhaustion”? She continued showing concern for people she didn’t know about things that hadn’t happened. We were there to have a great time, but her focus was elsewhere.

Her anxiety was not an isolated incident. My granddaughter worries continuously about things she hears on the news, things she sees on TV, the fate of people and animals, and things that might happen – even if unlikely. Although her parents are frequently reassuring her, it doesn’t seem to help. Because I don’t want her to go through her young life like this, I decided to write her a letter, but I have not decided to give it to her, yet. I leave that decision to her parents.

Knowing she is not the only person, young or old, who wastes precious time worrying, I thought I would share this letter in my blog, Helping Fathers to Be Dads. I tailored this letter to my granddaughter, but much of what I say is appropriate for anyone who has a loved one that tends to mistake ‘worry’ as something kind, as some type of salve that will make things better. It is sad to see someone else who is unhappy or in some distress. But to see someone who is sad when they have many other reasons to be thankful or when nothing wrong has happened to them, it is a waste of their precious time on this earth. This letter is my attempt at an argument that might help those worriers to enjoy their lives better.

* * *
Dear Granddaughter,

When you came into the world, it was then I knew that being a grandfather was what I always wanted to be. When you were a baby and toddler, I had the privilege of spending time with you, one-on-one, being completely taken by your joyous and adorable personality. As you grew, you remained as sweet as the day you were born, and it was apparent you had gifts of intelligence, creativity, and empathy for others. I wouldn’t change a thing about you, but there is one thing I’d like to bring up to hopefully help you live a more cheerful life.

Too many times I’ve seen the sadness in your eyes as you have seen the struggles of others and felt their pain. Your concern for them is one of your finest traits, and I love you so much for it. But don’t replace empathy for others with wasteful worry. Your heart is big, big enough to share it with others. Even the potential of sad events is worrisome to you as you suffer in small amounts, stealing from your deserved happiness and right to a childhood that should be as innocent and lighthearted as possible.

I hope you understand that adulthood will bring you new and immediate concerns. But they will be concerns that more directly affect you and, fortunately, you will be better prepared and capable of handling them. You will move from worrying about things you cannot change or fix to issues that you can attack to the best of your given abilities. Being able to address a concern is comforting and something you will do. What will not change is life as it has been for thousands of years - full of good things and bad, joy and sorrow, miracles and tragedies, and ups and downs. The cycle of life and the survival of the fittest are the very essences of nature. We are sad for the antelope that is captured by the lion and forget the lion has to survive lest we will feel sadness for its starvation.

What I am trying to say is captured in one of the most famous prayers ever spoken – The Serenity Prayer! Read it and live it. There is only negativity and anxiety in placing worry in things you cannot correct on your own. While this insight is true, it is undeniable that turning away untouched by unfortunate events is difficult. However, unless you have a role in a heartbreaking development, you have no reason to feel guilt or responsibility for it. All you can do is say a prayer for those involved and then accept what you cannot change, pushing the sorrow out of your consciousness. When you do, you will be free to concentrate and improve upon those things near and dear to you, making them better. That’s your way to make the world a better place, by looking past where you have no power and towards where you can do so much good.

You are who you are, and I would never want to change you. I want the best for you because you have so much to give. You can do so much more if not burdened by those unchangeable things that hurt your sweet, loving heart. You can worry all you want and feel bad for others, but it won’t solve one thing. Worry is exhausting - a thief of energy and serenity – and as worthless as that worrisome thought last week, whatever that was?

Worrying about something that may happen in no way eases the pain even if it does happen - and usually, your worries will never come about. Turn on your ‘worry radar’ and shoot down that worry before it gets ahold of you. Do it by thinking what good you can do for yourself, or others you love, in its place. If you try a little each day and remind yourself that you can make the world a better place without worry, you will become a powerhouse among all those you touch and so very pleasant to be around.

Love,
Papa

Reasons and Excuses

3/25/2019

A ceiling in the Alcazar in Seville, Spain

I think we all know the difference between an ‘excuse’ and a ‘reason’ even if difficult to convey. Here is my simpleton way of differentiating the two. You do things for a reason. You don’t do things to have an excuse. Not unless you are all messed up.

When you do something for a reason, you have a ‘cause for action’. For example, “I went to the store because we needed bread.” A simple act. The reason is the same before and after the act.

All excuses, however, tend to be past tense even if perceived in advance. “There’s no bread because I was hungry and I ate it all.” He ate the bread for a reason, he was hungry. Still a simple act, but eating it all was a selfish action knowing others wanted bread also. His reason to eat some bread was hunger, but to eat all the bread required an excuse of hunger because he had a choice not to eat it all.

When the result of an action or non-action isn’t perceived the way you wanted it to be, due to your own selfish or non-thinking behavior, the act is not from a reason, but an excuse, because better alternatives existed. Reasons don’t typically need rationalization, excuses always do.

Now I understand this could be debated ad-nauseam, and I bring it up not to be definitive, but to cause reflection. There are reasons people do things, and often they don’t have positive results. That’s understandable! Honest failure exists and is a path to eventual success. When things go wrong due to your own selfish or non-thinking behavior, failure exists and is not a path to success. There are no reasons to plan failure, just excuses (rationalizations) for doing so.

Dysfunctional Families

This discussion leads me to the chaotic youth in which I was raised, never living more than three or four months in any home, born to a mostly absent and alcoholic father, a mother who had to work constantly in low wage jobs, and six siblings who suffered from a lack of guidance and support. The reason these things happened to me and my siblings were the decisions of our parents. There were no reasons for being poor and itinerant from the view of my parents, but there were plenty of excuses.

When brought up in circumstances similar to mine, children react in different ways. That could be seen in my own family. It wasn’t being poor that had a real impact on any of us. Being poor in America isn’t a death sentence; it’s not even all that inconvenient compared to the rest of the world. Anyone who has witnessed the suffering in parts of the Middle East or Central Africa would think our issues were trivial. Being shy and father-deprived is not an issue when you are starving, but it can become so after the basic nutrition problem is solved, even if the food wasn’t always healthy.

Poor should not be an excuse

If an American family can hang together with proper parental care while being poor, the children will be fine, maybe even better off than kids whose parents are rich but not caring or nurturing people. But you don’t see too many poor families with awesome parents. Why that is true is simple. Families are very often poor because one or both parents aren’t remarkable. Bad choices have been made. This is a broad statement not intended to claim all poor families consist of bad parents. Not at all! It’s just that a large percentage of poor families don’t have both parents engaged in good parenting and, possibly, not even living in the home. The poverty rate for married couples in 2016 was only 5.1% - but the poverty rate for single-parent families with no wife present was 13.1%, and for single-parent families with no husband present was 26.6%.

I don’t have many complaints about being poor as a kid. I never starved although I often ate mayonnaise sandwiches lacking any meat. I got an education -- as wackadoodle as it was! The fact my family was poor is because my dad didn’t take care of us even though he was capable of making good money. Yes, being poor made it necessary for us to be itinerant, causing much disruption in our lives. But the blame doesn’t lie with a lack of money since being both poor and itinerant were the result of inept parenting - an irresponsible father and an undereducated mother who was required to work her ass off just to feed us. But that wasn’t an excuse to give up on ourselves – because we had alternatives.

Reasons and Excuses

I make excuses all the time, more than I should. I make them because I had better choices and didn’t take them. And certainly we often use the word reason when we actually mean excuse without trying to be deceitful. Here I am highlighting the decisions and excuses that determine the direction of our lives. Life moves forward with decisions directed by reason and reasons. Life is held back by bad choices and excuses.
The fact my life, and those of my siblings, started with obstacles was beyond our control. But to call that fact a reason to wallow in that lifestyle forever would be inaccurate. It indeed was not a ‘call for action” to be poor. As we grew older and had alternatives, then the burden of our future was on each of us. To not take those positive alternatives and run with them would allow our circumstance to remain as it had always been. From there on, to remain poor or itinerant would only be an excuse.

Summary

We were disadvantaged in our youth - not for a reason, but for excuses. Quitting school is a decision. Not getting help for alcoholism is a decision. Having a baby in your teens is a decision. A father not supporting his family is a decision. When bad decisions are made, and you are poor as a result -- you only have excuses. There are not many real reasons for being poor in America. Most of us escaped our disadvantaged situations with reasons to escape, not excuses to remain.

A Stranger in Spain - Childhood Revisited

3/11/2019

The Mezquite (mosque) in Cordoba, Spain

My wife, Kathy, and I are visiting Spain. Fortunately, Kathy has a cousin who is living and working in southern Spain near the town of El Puerto de Santa Maria, very near where Columbus sailed out of - and into - the ocean blue in 1492 (or so). She kindly met us in Madrid where we caught a train first to Cordoba, a medium sized city with busy streets, and a historic district named the Judeira. The main attraction in Cordoba is the Mezquite (mosque). The Mezquite was built by the Moors, but after they were driven out, the Christians took over this amazing building constructing a gorgeous Christian church within in it. Then, we would be onto Cadiz, Seville, and back to Madrid on our own!

But this is not a travel guide. It’s what I found out about myself and it applies to most of us, but especially children. Annette, Kathy’s cousin is not fluent in Spanish but she can get around quite easily. She directed us from the Madrid airport to the rail station, had already bought our train tickets, and had reservations ready in Cordoba. After settling in, she asked the front desk, in Spanish, places to eat. We choose a restaurant and the menu was in Spanish so she ordered for us. You see where I’m going?

Now, Kathy and I are no strangers to visiting foreign countries on our own. We’ve been to Norway, Italy, and even Barcelona--two days prior to a cruise. We did just fine. Many tourist areas in Europe have plenty of English speaking citizens, which helps. But Annette was doing everything for us…and I let her! It was easier on me and quicker for all of us. But I wasn’t getting my bearings, picking up phrases or interfacing with the local populace. I was dependent on Annette. I acted and felt dependent, and while it was painless, it didn’t feel good. That didn’t stop me from going down the easy road. What’s worse, she wouldn’t be with us our entire trip so I wasn’t preparing to be on my own, neither was Kathy.

I had reverted to childhood and Annette was my pseudo-mother, taking care of Kathy and me. She was just being very helpful. The trouble is that mothers and fathers fall into the trap of being too helpful to their children when they do everything for them. And most children will go right along! (But not my 3 year-old granddaughter! Very independent!). I have two daughters and they have always pushed their kids to do things on their own. For instance, they will tell their 3, 4, and 5 year-old children to order their own meals in a restaurant (waiters and waitresses are usually very patient). They get dressed on their own. They have to pick up after playing (not always enforced if in a play area). This prepares them to be independent and unafraid. The easier the road ahead for a kid, the worse it is for their development. Someday soon, they will have to act on their own, hopefully with confidence and politeness!

My first few days in Spain, I reverted to childhood and I really didn’t like the feeling or results. The same will be true of your children if you don’t build some knowledge and independence in them. Every day is like being a foreigner in Spain when you’re a kid who hasn’t been shown the ropes. Don’t let that happen to your kids.

Summary

Catching a train,
in Spain,
may be in vain,
  if you abstain
from using your brain,
and that would be insane!
And yes, it did rain (a bit).

Also............

Try to forbid,
  doing too much for your kid!

37 Principles I Believe In Enough to Live By

3/4/2019

We all have names, our own look, and a family tree. Someone may recognize you by these attributes, but they will not know the person you really are until they know the principles of life by which you live. In other words, your values. Our beliefs are developed over time as we experience life influenced by family, friends, teachers, mentors and even adversaries.

As a parent or mentor, ‘how you live’ will be the lessons most trusted and believed by your children or followers…not ‘what you say’! That doesn’t suggest you should not say what you believe, just don’t negate your oral teachings by how you act out your life.

Below are the principles I try to live by -- not perfectly by any means. I have violated, at times, 30 or more of these principles. But they are my guiding light and the lessons I would like to pass on to my children, grandchildren, and anyone else who would care to listen.

37 Principles I Choose to Teach and Follow:

A stable, supportive family is the greatest privilege you will ever have.
You create your own privileges by forsaking victimhood of any kind.
Always do what you say you will do!
A goal, trusted advice, persistence, and self-reliance will are your best tools for success.
Your 'worth' is the sum of your tangible and intangible assets.
Never have more debt than you’re worth. (See 6 above).
Never work with people that don’t value you or your mission.
Job satisfaction comes with what you love to do, not what you earn.
Charity’s goal is to help, not to substitute.
Giving is selfless, and selflessness is freeing.
Making the right decisions is aided by having values.
To ensure a young person will not live in poverty, they need to do these three things. (from Brookings Institute)
1. Finish High School
2. Get a job
3. Don’t get pregnant before you get married.
Always attempt to think before responding.
Apologies are like hard work, tough but rewarding.
It’s better that no one knows your achievements than to boast about them (with few exceptions)
Surround yourself with inspirational things and people.
Capture inspiration before it leaves you!
Teach and give your children responsibilities, and hold them to those responsibilities.
Failure is a teacher, and like any teacher, you must pay attention to its lessons to learn.
Bad times are tough, but thankfully tough to recall.
Only when you leave a beaten path will you have a possibility of finding something undiscovered.
Be you! Always be you! That doesn’t mean ‘don’t change’, but change to be a better you. It’s like polishing silverware. A tarnished spoon is still a spoon after you make it shine.
Have gratitude and appreciation: Rain makes me appreciate the sunshine, sunshine makes me appreciate colors, colors make me appreciate the greenery around me, and the greenery around me makes me appreciate the rain.
Respecting other opinions does not mean you have to agree with their opinions.
‘Pace yourself’ doesn’t mean slow down, it means to move forward smartly.
The past is for memories. The future is for hope. Today is for you!
Never box yourself in. Have an open, but critical mind.
If it feels wrong, it most likely is.
A dollar earned is one hundred times more valuable than a dollar handed to you.
Pay attention to kids, but ignore their tantrums.
We’re created equal in the eyes of God, but we must admit we are not equal in all talents or results.
Everyone deserves equal opportunity, but each of us owns our results, good or bad.
When you realize life is cycles of ups and downs, it will keep you even-keeled. (This too shall pass)
Don’t overreact to what you see or hear. Understand life by percentages, not raw numbers. It may help to keep you sane! For example:
1. Typically 100 children are kidnapped by strangers in the US each year. An absolute nightmare for any parent. Each reported incident creates numbing fear!
2. But be reassured, somewhat, that these 100 incidents happened among 61,000,000 children 14 and under over 365 days (2017). A very, very, rare occurrence – 0.000001%). *
There is no better rest than the rest that comes after hard work.
The only one who will know if you have true integrity is YOU. (Doing the right thing without the knowledge of others)
Strive for, but don’t expect, perfection!

The Power of Self-Responsibility!

1/28/2019

This little one wants to do things herself!

"God helps those who help themselves"
~ Benjamin Franklin

My goal in life is good health, to be free of anxiety, to help others when possible, and not have to depend on anyone. That’s also what I want for my children. Granted, we don’t have control in all of these things, but we do have a say. I find that we don’t always take advantage of our ‘say’ in these matters. I have placed myself in situations where my health is ignored, where anxiety is a bi-product of a choice I made, where I pass on chances to help, and dependency is the only way out of a predicament. So do you!

Nevertheless, we should strive to do our human best to help ourselves despite the fact we will often fail in our efforts. But failing at improvement is like failing to reach the top of Mt. Everest. Even if you don’t reach the peak, you have demonstrated a willingness to plan ahead, to look risk in the face, and to ignore some present suffering to achieve a higher goal – all tools of future success!

Most of those I know would not express their thoughts of me as a ‘hard-ass’, at least I hope so. However, a few friends and family have criticized me for my views on self-responsibility by declaring some people are more helpless than others. While true, I’m a hardliner on pushing accountability to the degree possible for each of us. I’m a hard-ass on myself as much as anyone. Almost every disadvantage ever placed upon me involved terrible decisions as a factor, whether those decisions were my own or those who were responsible for raising and/or influencing me. These acts were rarely, if ever, intentional -- just a lack of foresight or inability to take charge. I rarely fault myself for bad outcomes as much as I do for a lack of planning or for not considering all possible outcomes.

Passing down questionable life choices

Without getting into detail, I was raised in a very dysfunctional home where daily life was chaotic. No stability, no feelings of comfort or safety, a lack of money, and life lessons that were reactive instead of proactive. Why? Much had to do with the choices of, not only myself and those directly influential in my life, but also those before them -- and those before them. For example, my paternal grandfather owned a bar and, in tragic irony, was an alcoholic. His wife, while kindly, was not an ideal mother in any sense of the term. Together they had six boys and one girl in a highly dysfunctional home – their lives revolving around the running of a tavern and all that comes with that. My father, the third oldest, being lost in the crowd and without much supervision, left home at 11 years of age learning the life of a vagabond and becoming an alcoholic like his father. While still a teen, he decided to see the world joining the Merchant Marines and sailed the seas, disappearing often and rarely sharing his pay with his family.

My mother’s parents were sharecropping farmers in southeast Missouri. My grandmother had a hard life! Her mother died eight days after her birth, and her father shipped her off to live with another family in the aftermath. She was forever unhappy -- even in her later years. My maternal grandfather, her husband, was a very strict, stoic, and religious man, kind but never displaying much love towards his wife or daughter. He was a very hands-off father busy with his farming and religion. My grandparents divorced when my mother was thirteen, and she didn’t see her father for four years. The effect this life had on my mom was predictable -- a young girl who wanted adventure, the attention of a male figure, to be told she was pretty, and deserving of love. Although a good student, she quit school at sixteen years of age thinking she was ready to be an adult.

My nomad father had a thing for redheads and met my fifteen-year-old redheaded mother, nine years his junior, while home between sea duty. When sober, he had a very charming side to him and gave my mother the attention she craved. Although put off by the age difference, my mother enjoyed the attention of an older, interesting, man of the world. Well, it was quite inevitable that I would eventually come into this world as a result of their liaisons. I thank them for that or I would not be here, but they were not meant to be parents, not as a teenager for my mother, and never for my father, who refused any responsibility for his children.

They decided to get married soon after my mother became pregnant at 16 years old and eventually brought six more children into the world. That brings me back to our dysfunctional upbringing and the point I want to make. The mistakes my parents made -- quitting school, drinking, my father’s decision to abandon us, etc. -- were directly responsible for our plight. Indirectly responsible were the conditions in which they were raised themselves and so forth. Fault is rarely borne to one person; it has a family tree. Therefore, it's up to ourselves to break free of unhealthy life choices passed down to us. This isn’t to say that one can’t make terrible decisions on their own, nor does it suggest we place all fault on our parents

So as I grew up, we were often on welfare or given some mercy on occasion by churches, etc.. We got blocks of cheese and powdered milk from the government, more than we could consume, and toys from caring people at Christmas. We needed help, but why? Unwise life choices! It wasn’t the fault of us children, not yet. But our lifestyle was sure to be imitated in varying degrees into the next generation if something didn’t change. As it turned out, we all made common mistakes growing up but added to that were the burdens that followed us from our upbringing. Today, despite five siblings failing to graduate from high school, mimicking our parents, most of us have broken the cycle of chaos to lead much better lives for our families! Unfortunately, a couple of siblings struggle mightily to this day from a lack of planning, a feeling of helplessness or defeat, or just bad choices; and those struggles have now moved into a third generation for some.

Being accountable is being answerable to no one…but yourself!

You don’t have to be stupid to make bad decisions. All it takes is a lack of vision and a lack of planning. Those in our family who have elevated their situation in life have taken on accountability for their futures. We’ve changed our ways and found people to listen to, taking their advice. We have all worked very hard to get past the lifestyle we knew. Self-responsibility or the lack of it is a learned characteristic for most! If being responsible for one’s self is not absorbed through the example of others, then we must start being accountable for seeking it ourselves. Those that do will always do better than those who don’t.

Note: I must qualify that the type of people I’m talking about have the resources we have in the US, with reasonable intelligence, no major medical (including mental) issues or disabilities. I also exclude those with whatever disadvantages I am leaving out that cannot be controlled by themselves. Those who are so unfortunate deserve our help in every way possible! They above anyone deserve compassion! Yet so many people are in terrible situations from their own disservice to themselves and take resources from those that didn’t have a choice, or had no part in their predicament.

Questions to ask yourself

So, parents, I ask you to think about a few things. 1) What bad habits and lessons did you pick up from your parents? 2) Have you tried to kick them out of your life? 3) Are there bad habits and/or misleading lessons you are passing on? You may not know unless you think about it. 3) Are you making excuses for your children and not putting any responsibility on their shoulders? 4) Are you consistent, fair, and demanding enough, or is it too easy to look the other way? 5) How many mistakes have you or your children made that have placed a burden on their lives that could have been avoided?

Sometimes it just takes a little thought and a change in attitude to change your life in beautiful ways. It would do well for your children to hear words like these from you, their parents. In no way do I, nor will anyone, expect bad choices to cease. That’s merely impossible, even when thought is given in advance. No doubt my mistakes will continue as long as I live. However, nothing but good can come from minimizing as many mistakes as possible. And yes, in times of a tough economy, the best of us can feel it – but not nearly as much as those without the power of self-responsibility. Teach your children responsibility and give responsibility to them. Besides love, there are not many things better to offer!

Michael Byron Smith,
Author of “The Power of Dadhood”

Choices to Ponder

11/19/2018

“Life is a matter of choices, and every choice you make makes you.”
John C. Maxwell

As a follow up to my last blog post regarding balance, I bring up choices. Choices are those decisions about things that can bring balance into your life. A question: How often does balance factor into your choices? Likely, not too often. When we choose what we choose it is likely highly influenced by what we want regarding that choice. For instance, if you’re a car nut, you might buy a Mercedes over a Volkswagen even though you live in a third floor flat in a crappy neighborhood. That might be ‘balance’ for you, but it’s not a balanced lifestyle. But it is your choice.

Let us play a 'what-if' game. Would you rather have a below average IQ and be rich, or an above average IQ and be poor? Which choice would give more balance in your life? Lets forget at the moment that if you already have a low IQ that you would choose to be rich. No one is that stupid!

Let's set a scene.

You haven't been blessed intellectually, but on a billion to one shot you may have won the lottery! Or a rich relative, knowing you didn’t have much going for you, left you a fortune in a will (not something I would have done).

So the first thing you decide to do after coming into money is to take a vacation to the Philippines, ignoring all the State Department warnings of terrorism. Or maybe you crave the best cheesesteak sandwiches in the world and thought you booked a flight to Philadelphia? Regardless, the fact that you are stupid is why you are in an ugly situation because you have been flashing money while looking for a cheesesteak joint in Manila and have been kidnapped by the terrorist group, Abu Sayyaf. But hey, we’re past that now.

You need mucho greenbacks to be released and, fortunately, you have the money to do it! Besides, Abu Sayyaf quickly realizes money is the only thing you have to offer. Being rich is now better than being smart, and you are released having electronically transferred your entire fortune to the terrorists. The only problem is now that you are free, you are both stupid and not-rich while wandering homeless in the streets of Manila - hoping someone will donate a cheesesteak sandwich to fend off starvation.

In this what-if game, I would choose to be 'poor but smart' over 'rich but stupid'. If you are poor but have intelligence, you can escape being poor with good choices. Rich people who make bad choices won't keep their money very long.

On the other hand, not everyone is smart in practical ways. I have a couple of distant relatives with very high IQs who wallow in self-destructive habits. Bad choices occur even if you are smart like these relatives of mine who devour science fiction books and score high playing video games. They revel and do well in the activities they enjoy. They also have very little money even with the intellectual talent to earn well. They would never confuse Philadelphia with the Philippines, but they may confuse being smart as having emotional intelligence, which would be wrong.

Seriously

We all make good and bad choices. My example of the stupid guy kidnapped by Abu Sayyaf may have been a bad one. Bad choices are not always apparent in advance. Sometimes, they are miscalculations with good intent. However, choices for the most important things in life should be clear - like the following.

When it is vital for balance in your life;

Choose family over work
Choose memories over things
Choose love over luxury
Choose independence over dependence
Choose travel over counting your money
Choose friends over contacts
Choose action over empathy
Choose strength over fear
Choose balance over extravagance
Choose investment over gambling
Choose Philadelphia over the Philippines until Abu Sayyaf is defeated.

Choose well, choose with factual information, choose long term goals over instant gratification. Choose a city for action and country for relaxation. Choose coffee in the morning and wine in the evening. But you don't have to - because you make your choices and your choices make you. Something you should definitely teach your children!

Now, I choose to end this blog and have some coffee and small talk with my wife this morning!

Balance in Words and Action

11/12/2018

One of the key principles in parenting is ‘balance.’ That’s one of the great treasures of having two parents. A child can see different reactions, beliefs, attitudes, personality, tone, sex, and other differences with two parents in their lives. One parent may be more or less correct than the other but a sneak at both sides, when there are differences, is likely a good thing. Some people call it diversity in viewpoints. Hearing the same thing all the time is more akin to brainwashing. I’m not a big fan of indoctrination! I like choices with reasoned opinions and enlightened options. Of course, I will be biased in my teaching while trying not to be dictatorial.

There also needs to be balance in words that describe your kids’ behavior and personal characteristics. For instance, I like hope - but with action. I believe in faith - but with sincere desire. Hope puts a pilot light in your head, but action comes when you turn on the gas. Having faith, which assumes that you can’t make it happen on your own, is worthless if your faith doesn’t come from deep within your heart.

The Bible, Matthew 5:5 says, “Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.” I believe the meek should have a voice, but I never really understood how they would inherit the earth. That requires some aspect of strength. Then I heard a speaker note that ‘meek’ meant something different when that word was written or translated. The meek were those who ‘had swords but kept them in their sheath,’ assuming they would never be used for gain. I can see those that have ‘strength with temperance’ as those deserving of inheriting the earth.

No, I don’t expect everyone or anyone to accept this meaning of ‘meek,’ but the point is ‘having strength alone’ is not necessarily a good thing. Having strength, using it only for good, is balancing. It makes a strong person compassionate around those without strength.

Another example of balance with words is, ‘rules with flexibility.’ I state in my book on fatherhood, “In a family, a system (a plan or an agreement) can be a set of rules, beliefs, or standards. Most of the time these are never written down, but they should be clear.”

A child doesn’t know what to expect, or what’s expected of them, without rules. But rules must never be so rigid that exceptions can’t be made. Allowing your kids to stay up late to watch an expected meteor shower is more meaningful than sticking tightly to a rule, "In bed by 9."

Flexibility balances rules. Just as:

Accountability balances compassion
Humility balances competence
Guidance balances empathy
Encouragement balances sympathy
Responsibility balances love
Conviction balances promise
Planning balances action
Courage balances vulnerability

Maybe the words I use above to balance each other don’t make sense to you, and perhaps some do. I could explain my thoughts on each, but that’s not what is essential. I hope to convince you that there is never one word that can adequately describe or define a person or situation. It may be true that I was a demanding parent who was loving to his wife and a patriotic citizen - but indeed not the whole truth. For instance, I would say was demanding yet reasonable as a parent, loving but fallible as a husband, and patriotic but not blind as a citizen.

Summary

Balance is a place you always want to be leaning towards. Take time to think. Have I been too hard on my kids lately? Am I working too much and home too little? Have I been spending more time with my youngest child than my oldest? Did I call a child bad when I meant they did a bad thing? Actions matter. Words matter. Be sure the ear is hearing what the mouth is meaning. Nature is always leaning towards balance. In human nature, balance must more often be created.

Life is about balance. Be kind, but don't let people abuse you. Trust, but don't be deceived. Be content, but never stop improving yourself.
Nishan Panwar

Be precise in your speech.
Jordan B. Petersen

Things I Must Remember!

10/15/2018

It seems we are, as a nation, advancing-in-reverse to our corners of comfort. The idea of “safe places” at liberal colleges has expanded and become pervasive as virtual safe places for each religion, for each mode of thought whether liberal or conservative, for each family, and for your personal choice of social media and/or cable news. We go where we feel validated.

It’s tough to leave our ‘safe places’ because outside of them makes us uncomfortable and/or angry. Its uncomfortable when we see some logic or understanding from the other side - even if you don’t agree with it. We become angry when the rhetoric of other viewpoints appear over-the-top, exaggerated, or misleading. This tends to push us back into our ‘safe places’. But if we do and never communicate, then finding a resolution is impossible.

I think civility would come about if we try to understand the other position from their viewpoint because all of us have backgrounds and personalities that give us many ways of looking at an issue. For instance, I may like dogs and you may like cats. In fact, I never understood people’s fondness for cats until I talked to them about their relationship with their feline friends. Cats are fun to watch, easy to care for, and they keep creepy critters away. Now none of that is convincing to me, but it does allow me to have respect for their choice.

To know why is not necessarily to be convinced, but to understand which conveys respect. Those who drive a Prius have reasons for doing so just as those who drive Escalades. Some people do things because of guilt or conscience and others do things because they can or need attention. If it’s not illegal or harming anyone, then live and let live. We can be critical but we best do that quietly. Forcing or demanding anyone to do anything is rarely, if ever, acceptable.

What to do?

Here are a few things to remember when discussing any topic from cats to politics with someone who may have thoughts differing from yours. We all break these rules occasionally, but if you keep coming back to them, you will do well in this world as a citizen and leader. It would be helpful to teach these thoughts to your children. It will make their lives a lot easier and teach them to have open minds.

Things I Must Remember

Know for sure what I am talking about.
Is it important to say? If not, keep it to myself.
Does the occasion require it?
How will the other person react and does it matter?
Separate facts and opinions. MINIMIZE opinions.
Know my opponent's key points from their point of view.
Listen. Appreciate another’s counterpoint. Concede a good point.
Don’t embarrass anyone.
Don’t get mad or defensive.
Save my arguments for important moments or causes.
Showing understanding is not weakness.

We don’t have to agree about everything; but let's agree to have an open mind, being kind, and civility in discussion. The situation can only improve from there.

Personality and Parenting!

10/8/2018

Each of these four kids are awesome and different!

Sometimes, it’s difficult to understand people. You listen to what they say or how they dress, with whom they sympathize or how they spend their money and you wonder why. We certainly see this dichotomy in politics. Some people want to build walls and protect while others tend towards more chaos and sharing of ideas. Some people are empathetic to a fault while others are demanding to a fault. We all know people who are dreamers but never get anything done. Then there are some who are short of ideas but give them a task and you can trust it will be accomplished.

Why people act and think the way they do will become clearer if you understand personality characteristics. By some degree, we cannot help who we are because of inborn tendencies. To understand this better, a look at personality research will help.

Many personality researchers support the five-factor theory of personality,

Extraversion
Agreeableness
Conscientiousness
Neuroticism
Openness

Understanding personality is essential in parenting. As I’ve stated in past articles, you treat all your children fairly, but you should not treat them all the same. For instance, it would be wrong to compare a shy boy to his very social sister because being socially comfortable does not come as easily to him. Yes, most parents are aware of personality differences in their children and how to handle them, but not all personality characteristics are as obvious as introversion vs extroversion. It helps to understand all personality traits. These traits are relatively stable throughout one’s life.

Of course, you don’t give-in to a trait that may be holding a child back from comfort and success. For instance, my natural introversion as a boy did me no good and no one around me challenged me to acknowledge this fact. I changed schools quite often and was slow to make friends. I may even have seemed strange to some people by my reserved nature. Today, I am still an introvert but some of my friends swear I’m an extrovert. I learned over time, a long time, that I could be sociable and even enjoy being around people, but I still enjoy quiet time alone time. It would have helped me if my mother could have placed me in situations to gradually become comfortable around other kids. I don’t blame her. She had her hands full with more serious issues than my awkwardness. Unfortunately, I was thrust in and out of social circles too quickly to adjust on my own.

So personality is always a factor in parenting. But not just your children's personalities, but yours and your spouses also!

Summary

You can be a better parent if you understand personality traits. See five-factor theory of personality.
Children should all be treated fairly, but not always the same.
Any personality traits that are holding your children back can usually be tempered.
10 Fascinating Facts About Personality

Read my book “The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs”