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The Social Consequences of Father Absence

7/27/2022

Why do some neighborhoods live in relative peace and prosperity while others live in fear and dread? The real answer is rarely discussed nor seriously attacked.

In any society you will find:

Child abuse
Education issues
Poverty
Crime
Emotional and behavioral problems
Inappropriate sexual activity involving minors

But in a society where few fathers are engaged with their children, these issues explode!

The societal symptoms mentioned above are addressed much more aggressively than the cause. We often blame crime on drugs, drug trade is blamed on the lack of work opportunity, lack of work opportunity is caused by educational issues, educational issues exist because of poverty, and poverty is caused by all these issues. Where does it begin and how do we stop it?

Many believe, as I do, that most of these issues are rooted in the breakdown of the family.

What Linda Eyre’s says is true! Can anyone deny that the issues of society would be dramatically decreased with more effective families? Families are ineffective for many reasons, often because the parents were the result of their ineffective families. And if we are honest, the reason families are not whole or effective is most often due to the lack of fathers in the home.

One vs Two Parent Homes

One parent homes can and do work, but not nearly as often or as well as two parent homes. Two parent homes have twice the love, twice the variety, better financial capability, and both feminine and masculine models.

Having positive role models is vitally important! A boy needs to watch his father and learn from him. He needs his father’s approval and validation. If not, the boy tries to prove himself to the wrong people in all the wrong ways.

Girls need to be loved by a father who will show her how to be properly treated by a man and to experience male approval. If she does not find male approval from her father, she will seek it elsewhere, often in the wrong places.

The Cycle of Despair

When a fatherless boy, who is desperate to prove his masculinity, meets a girl who is looking for male approval, you can assume we have the making of another dysfunctional family. In The Power of Dadhood, I call this the “cycle of despair.” Defeated mothers and absent fathers create future defeated mothers and absent fathers.

Let’s look at some statistics which come most often from the US Census Bureau.

So we do have serious issues in society, but these stats tell us they are caused, in very large part, by kids growing up in homes without a father involved.

Teen pregnancies and high school dropouts alone are serious issues that can take generations to correct. I know....I’ve seen and lived it firsthand. Around 85% of these situations are from father-absent homes. Resolving these two issues alone, by closing the fatherhood gap, would erase many other social issues.

Fathers or Government?

Most government programs address symptoms that will never go away without addressing the cause. We can build drug treatment centers and prisons, rely on government-assisted childcare, provide school lunch programs and food stamps, which are well intended programs that help and often work well temporarily in smaller settings, but they won’t stop these societal issues from reoccurring. And no matter how hard it tries to provide food, shelter, and medical care for needy families, our government cannot provide the two most important things a child needs from a father: love…. and emotional support.

The only program that would help every issue mentioned is a program to encourage, train, and mentor young parents, especially the dads.

It’s not my intention to blame all our social ills on irresponsible fathers. There are some fine families with troubled kids and some troubled families whose offspring find a way out and are very successful. Many times the mother is the ill-suited parent, or the mother may block a father from seeing his children. No matter the situation, it is clear that healthier and whole families would allow our social issues to be much more manageable!

My Thoughts

Lets spend money on something that will eventually save money, and much more importantly, save lives! It is my hope that many more private and government led programs will evolve that promote family welfare, not through subsistence but through better educated, willing and able parents. That education needs to start before young people become parents and continue after they are parents, especially if they have no example at home to follow. And admittedly, it would likely take three generation to see significant results--but it HAS to start!

The Correlation Between Single Parent Homes and Social Issues

If the statistics above don't convince you of the crises of father absence, examine the two maps below. (I'm from St. Louis so I'm using my home town as an example, but you will find similar maps in any city.)

On the left is a map displaying areas, in orange and red shading, where many single parent families exist. The green shading show areas where two parent homes exist 90-100% of the time.
On the right is a map displaying areas where major crimes occur.

The correlation is astounding if not surprising!

If you imprison every perpetrator of every crime, but don't fix the families--is there any doubt that those crime dots will reappear in the same places with the same density in little or no time? In too many single parent homes, there are teaching gaps, morality gaps, social misdeeds and immature philosophies that become accepted. But there are too few organizations, leaders, or mentors to counter this kind of thinking and the cycle continues.

Could the root cause of our social issues be any more clear!? Can we not concentrate on educating and emphasizing family values and responsibility?

Responsible fathers could work miracles. This is why I wrote, and why I believe in, "The Power of Dadhood"!

(Below are larger versions of the maps above)

To the right (east) of the Mississippi River is East St. Louis, IL.

* http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2012/dec/25/fathers-disappear-from-households-across-america/?page=all

** http://www.stltoday.com/news/multimedia/special/st-louis-area-homicide-map/html_aac4a83d-2729-58b6-9abe-158e8affa085.html

First published here in July 2015

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The Perils of Parenting

7/11/2022

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ou know what kids want, besides sympathy, sweets, and getting their way? They want to be loved, understood, and protected. They also want someone to help them when they need it and to watch their backs. Who better to do that than Mom and Dad?

What else do kids want? They want answers but may not ask. They want discipline but won’t admit it. They want consistency, but may not know it. They want attention, but on their terms. Surprisingly, perhaps, they don’t expect you to be perfect, but they do want you to be fair. It’s left up to parents to connect the dots, knowing when to give their kids what they want but may not realize.

Discipline is the tough responsibility for most parents. Characteristically, discipline is accompanied by anger, uncertainty, tentativeness, and a desire to look past the infraction and often followed by remorse, guilt, and reflection. When my oldest daughter was a young teen, I became upset with her for reasons I don’t recall. But I became angry at her defiance at the time. It was stealthy defiance, the kind where kids give you the “how dare you” look. My rising anger involved yelling and threatening looks. As I recall, I acted more threatening than I would ever be in reality. Regretfully, I was resorting to fear as my weapon. My official stance is to never parent through fear, but we know that isn’t always easy.

When a child gives you a smirk, or laughs at your reprimands, or ignores your directions, it is a show of disrespect. That disrespect is a challenge to you. It’s a test of where the limits are and a power-play you cannot lose. But how do you go about not losing? How do you keep your cool? If I had a pat answer to that, I would have a parenting show on the Oprah Winfrey Network. What I do know is you must have a response that is swift and strong - but without anger. But who am I kidding? How can you not have anger occasionally?

When I say your response should be without genuine anger, I mean being out of control. Showing controlled anger helps to get your point across, IMHO. Without having any specific recommendation as to how to handle a challenge by your child, I do recommend that you be thinking at that moment, “Am I in control?” While fear is not a gold star tool of parenting, you must demand respect from your children. Fortunately, you can get that respect by your fairness and consistency throughout your parenting. It will do you well in most circumstances. But we don’t live under a permanent rainbow, nor do we ride unicorns on cotton candy clouds. Challenge is in children’s nature. It’s how they learn.

When kids refrain from doing something, of which you would not approve, hopefully, their decision is based on fear of losing your respect and not out of fear of reprisal. But fear is a very close cousin to respect, and we can’t deny that. For instance, I admire 99% of police for what they do and the dangers they face. But I also have a bit of fear when one knocks at my door or pulls me over in traffic. Police carry weapons - there is both fear and respect in that. In a way, you are the law enforcers in your home, and kids react in different ways to your authority. Some will respect your earned authority (you’re a good cop) and others will not (evoking the bad cop).

I still think about that time some thirty years ago when I frightened my daughter over her perceived disrespect for me. I may have overreacted (although I think she overreacted also). I regret that incident, but while I was angry and showed it, I knew what I was doing at the time. I was not out of control. I may not react the same way today, but my daughter did know one thing after that incident - I loved her, and I was being her dad.

Summary

There are no pat answers to parenting. However, always think through what you are doing. Never lose control. Mistakes will be made, and be comforted that you are not alone in making them. Perfection will not be the reason your kids love you. But there is something that will make them love (or hate) you, and that is their perception of you. If your children:

perceive you are loving and protecting them,
that you have their backs,
that disciplining is just part of your molding them to be better people, and
you are predictable and consistent,

then you will be loved as much as any child can love a parent – despite your occasional mistakes.

Your child’s perception of you is more important than your attempted perfection as a parent!

Originally posted July 2019

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What Every Dad Should Teach His Children

7/1/2022

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A simple yet very complicated message follows. It is a list of things a father should teach his children. It’s not specific, not like, how to fish, or hold a fork, or a million everyday things that are very important to pass on either through specific lessons or example. It’s more like how to live your life. These are big lessons, taught in many small bites, day after day, year after year!

You can’t teach these ideas without trying your best to live them yourself. If you find them very idealistic, they are. But any serious attempt at achieving or teaching these principles to your children is a definite step towards true, loving, nurturing, DADHOOD!

Found in the beginning of my book, "The Power of Dadhood"

Great, you say. How do you teach these things?

Here are some thoughts:

Be an example of all
Know and notice your child
Never let these teachings fall to the wayside

With these things in mind, you will find ways to establish them in the psyche of your children. Many ideas will literally come from the ether. Be proactive!

Michael Byron Smith

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The Social Consequences of Father Absence

The Perils of Parenting

What Every Dad Should Teach His Children

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